partner and metamour getting married. not sure how I feel

[karsa]

So I ended the relationship today. We were talking again about the visa and I was again explaining why I am not completely comfortable with it all. It just became apparent that dh does not love me, at least not in a way that one would build a partnership on. I do think he has feelings for me but really only because we have been together so long and have kids, you cant help but have a deep connection after 16 years.
I wasn't angry when I said we should just end it, and it was after dh said that he only has so much compassion/consideration for others and now that he has two SOs he cant be as good to me as he used to be. I mean where do I go from there? If he's saying that this is as good as he can be in polyamory it's just not enough. Not to mention that he has a new child to give more consideration to so logically it would mean even less as there are more people in his life to care about.
That in combination with the fact that he has not been able to make any real steps to rebuild our relationship this whole time, and stating my personality faults as the reason he can't be better himself just leaves me feeling like this is hopeless.
It's incredibly sad as I do still love him and keep thinking back to 15 months ago when were pretty good, we had some problems but we were ok and the problems were fixable. But he really seems like a different person now, like something snapped in his mind and the old dh is just seeming less and less likely to return.
Since this happened metamour has completely ignored me while acting as in love with dh as always. I would think a person who actually cares about both of us like she claims would not behave like this, it might be hard and awkward, but if she really cared about me wouldn't she at least try to speak to me, see if I'm ok, ask if I'm serious, something?
They have both been telling me for months that they are committed to this triad working and that nothing works if we aren't all good and together and that I'm wrong for having doubts about this but I really feel like they are lying to me or themselves and dont want to look like the bad guys so just keep makingnthis harder for me until I can't take it anymore and now I'm the bad guy for saying this stuff has to stop and the only way I can stop it if they wont is by breaking up.
I can see things will be messy from here on out as I have no where to go until I can set something up. No family or friends in this state and I cant leave the state with the kids. And I have no money or income, we don't have joint accounts and I left my job last year to provide more support to dh. So if anyone has any advice on how to manage living in a house with a newborn and ex and metamour it would be appreciated.

 

[Vinccenzo]

Has her visa ran out yet? If so, report her. Wait, you said a few months. Okay I'd stay put in your current residence (so long as you are not threatened) till it runs out. They can't pull off this marriage thing legitimately with you still there. Once it expires, report her.

Are you on the lease for the place you currently live in?

Is she on the lease or does she have her name on any of the utility bills? If not, and if you are on the lease, have her removed from the residence.

If you are on the lease, and at any point things get scary/threatening with either of them, call the cops. You have kids to care for and it will be him and/or her told to leave.

Just some ideas to look at.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry. This is not a fun situation to be in.

Good for you though on breaking up. I see that you continue to see clear, painful as it is. Everything you said in that post rings true. And breaking up clears the path for them to do whatever crazy without you being in it. You are moving it forward for yourself.

I think "start seeking employment" could be the first thing. And talking to a lawyer about custody issues. I would let them carry on with their stupid VISA dream -- with you living in the house as mother of his two other kids I doubt that's a go. But it DOES keeps their focus busy wrangling with that stupid rather than focussing on blocking you from exiting.

Call around family and friends. What stops you from leaving the state with the kids? You are not married to him. Who has custody of them at this time? Just you? Shared?

Could taking yourself and kids to a women's shelter locally be possible? To help you get a reboot in life?

Theres a lot to do here, but I think becoming able to move out and sustain yourself and the kids comes first.

Galagirl

 

[Inyourendo]

I would agree with either leaving the state since you aren't married or going to a local shelter. Staying in that house would not be an option for me.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

Keep your head cool

So, you ended the relationship, good for you. They were heading way into fairytale-land and good you did not follow. He is not a responsible parter towards you, and she is not a good metamour.

That being said: being a bad partner is not a crime, being an expartner and a bit selfish neither. He is the father of your children, behave to him accordingly. Many people fall into the trap of repaying with even worse behaviour than they themselves received, while that is sometimes fun when you are young and all, with you being a mum it will reflect on you very badly. Sure if you are a concerned citizen by all means report her if she overstays, but not to take revenge on your ex, that is simply bad form.

Get a job. Get a new home. Work out a sceme for the kids. With you no longer under the same roof, ex and hotgirl marrying will not be a scam and so you don't have to worry about your children's dad going to jail. Why on earth people are urging you to take the children and run out of state, visit a shelter etc. I do not know, unless I somehow missed out on him being violent and abusive towards you or the kids, all I see is the commonly inconsiderate behaviour that usually is in the muddy waters of a break-up.

 

[Inyourendo]

So, you ended the relationship, good for you. They were heading way into fairytale-land and good you did not follow. He is not a responsible parter towards you, and she is not a good metamour.

That being said: being a bad partner is not a crime, being an expartner and a bit selfish neither. He is the father of your children, behave to him accordingly. Many people fall into the trap of repaying with even worse behaviour than they themselves received, while that is sometimes fun when you are young and all, with you being a mum it will reflect on you very badly. Sure if you are a concerned citizen by all means report her if she overstays, but not to take revenge on your ex, that is simply bad form.

Get a job. Get a new home. Work out a sceme for the kids. With you no longer under the same roof, ex and hotgirl marrying will not be a scam and so you don't have to worry about your children's dad going to jail. Why on earth people are urging you to take the children and run out of state, visit a shelter etc. I do not know, unless I somehow missed out on him being violent and abusive towards you or the kids, all I see is the commonly inconsiderate behaviour that usually is in the muddy waters of a break-up.

Because she is now a single mother living in a volatile situation and she needs to get now. Waiting months to find a job and save up to move isn't really an option. Lots of parents don't live in the same state as their ex's. She needs the support of her family now to help get back on her feet.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

Because she is now a single mother living in a volatile situation and she needs to get now. Waiting months to find a job and save up to move isn't really an option. Lots of parents don't live in the same state as their ex's. She needs the support of her family now to help get back on her feet.

She is a single mother yes and, I gather, he is also a single dad. Depending on weather or not he has official parental rights, and the laws of the state, taking the kids out of state without the permission of their father might be illegal.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from karsa):

"I don't really know how it will work re the visa. I would like to speak to a lawyer to explain the situation and find out exactly what I would have to do (sacrifice) and what the consequences would be if the marriage was deemed fake."

You should definitely speak to a lawyer, and find out all of that stuff. If you can't afford one, look for an abuse hotline, explain the situation and ask where and how you can get financial help.

Heck ask the police for whatever help and advice they can give.

Re:

"But dh is not comfortable with the idea of telling anyone official about the details of our relationship ..."

A lawyer is not a judge. A lawyer's job is to help you as much as possible. It is a lawyer's solemn duty to hold your private information in strict confidence. Your dh has no business balking at that. Consulting with a lawyer is always a good idea. If dh doesn't want to talk to a lawyer, then I suggest you go by yourself. Too bad if dh doesn't like it.

I don't like the way dh has been treating you. He's trying to cut you off from legal counsel, among other things. And I don't like metamour's way of going along with him.

In fact, I think you should consult a lawyer just for yourself, without telling them. You need to find out how to rescue your children from this unreasonable situation.

Re:

"I worry that if I do all this work and am able to rebuild my relationship with dh it won't be enough if he doesn't change his behaviors too ..."

It absolutely won't be enough if he doesn't change his behaviors.

Re (from GalaGirl):

"What stops you from leaving the state with the kids? You are not married to him. Who has custody of them at this time? Just you? Shared?"

This is where a lawyer needs to be consulted.

Re:

"Could taking yourself and kids to a women's shelter locally be possible?"

I think that's a very good idea (I'm assuming it's possible).

Re (from Inyourendo):

"I would agree with either leaving the state since you aren't married or going to a local shelter."

Yes. If at all possible. Maybe being in a shelter would serve as evidence to strengthen your case for leaving the state? I am not a lawyer so I am guessing.

In any case get whatever help you can get.
Regards,
Kevin T.