Recently opened the marriage - not sure if I should act on it

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GeekGirl

New member
Husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 2, no kids yet (still young). We've discussed open relationship even before marriage, recently we talked again and both agreed that we're allowed to be with other people. Rules we set were:
1. Don't ask don't tell. I don't wanna know if you've been with someone else, but if I end up finding out I won't be mad. No need for elaborate lies, just don't tell me in advance or if it's unnecessary and keep it discreet.
2. No doing it in our home.
3. No emotional attachment - no one that we see on a regular basis like a colleague, and might end up falling in love with.

I'm not sure if this falls under the category of polyamory specifically because of rule 3.
I must confess that part of the reason I agreed to this arrangement now and not in the past is because I've been developing a crush for some time now. I didn't tell my husband that. I thought he was out of my life already and thankfully nothing happened, but now he wants to meet me and I'm not sure what to do.

Background: There's this guy I met in Uni, let's call him Sean. We studied together for a while and the chemistry was really strong, we flirted (I think) but we're both married so never acted on it. Came really close though - at least in my head I was very close to kissing him, I'm not sure he even knew. We talked about our spouses and I know he loves her a lot. I love my man a lot too.
I was going crazy for a while not even knowing if he likes me, unable to read his signals, I wasn't even sure we were friends because we never really met socially without some excuse related to school. He graduated so I figured this was a good time to stop seeing him and forget about him.
However now he FBed me and casually said "I've been a bad friend for missing that talk you gave... we should meet up for beer". I said yes. We didn't discuss if we were bringing spouses (I met his wife twice, once was with my husband at another friend's wedding, but we didn't interact much there). We said we'd meet in two days and haven't figured out details yet.


I am really debating whether I should try to meet him alone and act on the urge to kiss him and possibly more. His marriage aside (that's for him to work out with himself and\or her) I feel like the attraction is much more than physical, so I think my husband would view this as cheating or at least get rather jealous if he found out. I'm afraid this could ruin our marriage. I'm also not sure if it's worth it, because although I've been fantasizing about Sean for a couple of months it might all dissipate the moment we kiss and I'll just end up regretting it and feeling like shit. I will probably be disappointed after all the fantasizing :).

Still I haven't been attracted to anyone like this for years and years (since I met my husband actually), and I really want to act on it... I can't resist seeing him again, chatting with him. Also I just can't seem to tell if he's into me! I just now realized that he thinks we're friends, I wasn't even sure of that! But we did chat in a way that was flirty (I ended up deleting the messages afterwards because they felt "incriminating", even though they were very subtle).

Help me please! What should I do?
 
GeekGirl said:
His marriage aside (that's for him to work out with himself and\or her) I feel like the attraction is much more than physical, so I think my husband would view this as cheating or at least get rather jealous if he found out.
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What do you mean about this? Are you saying that you would progress no matter what arrangement he has with his wife?
 
That depends

I wouldn't seduce him, persuade him to cheat or actively try to make him do something he's not comfortable with. If anything, I'd wait for him to make the first move, which is why this whole scenario is unlikely to begin with.

However I don't have such a big moral dilemma on this issue, maybe because I'm so consumed with my own issues that I haven't actually thought enough about it. That sounds horrible but it's how I feel.
Taking a step back, if I were single - I think it would bother me a lot more that he's married and I wouldn't want to get into that situation. But knowing that we're both in a similar place in life and not looking to break up our marriages actually makes this feel a little more "safe".
 
GeekGirl said:
1. Don't ask don't tell. I don't wanna know if you've been with someone else, but if I end up finding out I won't be mad. No need for elaborate lies, just don't tell me in advance or if it's unnecessary and keep it discreet.
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I am not a fan of DADT policies. I do not like my partners feeling like dirty little secrets. plus in case of emergency I like my partners to know where I am and who I am with.

2. No doing it in our home.
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This one I can understand.

3. No emotional attachment - no one that we see on a regular basis like a colleague, and might end up falling in love with.
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This right here IS NOT POLYAMORY it is a swinger mentality. Poly is the ability to have multiple romantic, loving relationships at the same time.

I am really debating whether I should try to meet him alone and act on the urge to kiss him and possibly more. His marriage aside (that's for him to work out with himself and\or her) I feel like the attraction is much more than physical, so I think my husband would view this as cheating or at least get rather jealous if he found out. I'm afraid this could ruin our marriage. I'm also not sure if it's worth it, because although I've been fantasizing about Sean for a couple of months it might all dissipate the moment we kiss and I'll just end up regretting it and feeling like shit. I will probably be disappointed after all the fantasizing :).
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There is nothing wrong with meeting someone for a beer alone.

But acting on a crush who is married who is NOT open and honest with his spouse is wrong wrong wrong. Are you seriously thinking of taking the path of a homewrecker over a crush?

Plus you are breaking rules that YOU agreed to with your husband. That is wrong. If you cannot play by the rules you agreed to that is dishonest. You need to have an open a frank discussion with your husband and renegotiate the rules so that they work for BOTH of you.

Honestly you and your husband need to do a lot more work and soul searching before diving into polyamory. Honestly poly is like throwing a flashlight into a ceramic vase. If the vase is cracked you are going to see every flaw. If it is solid you are not going to see any cracks. Poly is the one of the hardest paths I have ever taken. It can be a marriage destroyer even to the most solid marriage.
 
You all ready have potential feels, and this is someone you want to see more than once. Acting on it breaks rule 3.
That said, rules 1 and 3 rarely work, if ever.
You don't have to hear about it every time someone is going out, you don't have to discuss your partners, but DADT can put up some walls between you and hubby. It shouldn't feel like something you need to hide.
Rule 2 is just a respectful thing to do unless you have permission from your SO to do otherwise, imo. Personal space.

My personal opinion is that you and your husband should talk and reevaluate.

On your crush's marriage: you're right. That's his ship to sail or sink. If it causes drama for his marriage, however, it may very well cause drama for you, and that could end poorly. Besides, do you really want to hook up with a guy if he's cheating on his wife?
What does that say about how potentially honest or dishonest he may be with you?
 
Dagferi thanks for the brutally honest reply, I guess I needed to hear it.
You're right, this whole thing smells of deceitfulness and dishonesty and I hate it. I'm really on the fence about the DADT issue even though I insisted on it. The reason I insisted was that the thought of knowing that he's out with another woman for hours while I'm home "waiting" feels like it would eat me up. But really maybe we just haven't figured out the right way to do this open marriage thing and be more honest with each other.
Honestly I have no idea how to tell him that I'm madly crushing on someone else. He already has a bit of self confidence issues that have only just subsided since we got married. I love him to bits but he'll never be "new" to me again and I feel like I need that.
 
Invi said:
On your crush's marriage: you're right. That's his ship to sail or sink. If it causes drama for his marriage, however, it may very well cause drama for you, and that could end poorly. Besides, do you really want to hook up with a guy if he's cheating on his wife?
What does that say about how potentially honest or dishonest he may be with you?
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Again, if I were single and he was married this would be my exact instinct. But I don't know, something about this feels so different. He's a good guy, so in all likelihood this is just not gonna happen anyway cause he would never make the first move. But who knows, maybe they also have some arrangement which I'm not aware of? It's not something you advertise. I'm bargaining, i know :)
Thanks for all the replies everyone, I really needed to let it out and hear someone else's take on things...

I think I will tell my husband I'm meeting him for a beer and invite him to join us. Maybe we'll just become friends and that would be cool too. Trying to make it more than that is just not gonna work for all the reasons you said.
With regards to a more open conversation with my husband I think I need more time.. Tips?
 
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GeekGirl said:
Dagferi thanks for the brutally honest reply, I guess I needed to hear it.
You're right, this whole thing smells of deceitfulness and dishonesty and I hate it. I'm really on the fence about the DADT issue even though I insisted on it. The reason I insisted was that the thought of knowing that he's out with another woman for hours while I'm home "waiting" feels like it would eat me up. But really maybe we just haven't figured out the right way to do this open marriage thing and be more honest with each other.
Honestly I have no idea how to tell him that I'm madly crushing on someone else. He already has a bit of self confidence issues that have only just subsided since we got married. I love him to bits but he'll never be "new" to me again and I feel like I need that.
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I hope you don't find this rude, but one of the things I find that many poly people are very excited about but don't seem to be able to get past is the NRE delight. They're really into the NRE, but when the NRE fades and a relationship has been established, it's all of a sudden a chore. Then they move on and find another relationship.

I haven't quite yet figured out what can stem the damage caused by the types who are NRE-seeking. I don't mean to make it sound demeaning or terrible, but how committed would you be to following through with a relationship that has great NRE but... then all of a sudden won't have it? I don't know your history so I'm sorry if I'm making presumptuous statements.
 
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A lot of poly people are NRE junkies.

Some of us are not.. Me I am perfectly happy in my two long term relationships. I have no urge to partake in NRE. Both my husbands after all these years make my heart skip a beat.

But then again I am the type who will go for an old comfortable pair of shoes over a pair of shiny new ones.
 
  • I think my husband would view this as cheating
  • I'm afraid this could ruin our marriage.
  • I'm also not sure if it's worth it, because although I've been fantasizing about Sean for a couple of months it might all dissipate the moment we kiss

That's not sounding like a "joyous yes -- go there at this time!" to me. I am glad you decided not to cheat.

It sounds more like time to talk some more with your spouse. Ask to drop #3 on your agreements.

Then at least it is ethical, even if you go there and find out there's no magic.

That's better than cheating on agreements to go there and finding out there is no magic.

Or that there IS magic and you get tempted to go ON cheating.

Talk to spouse too about the nature of agreements -- how do you go about updating them if/when they need updating as circumstances change? Or does he think these are set in stone? What are his dealbreakers?

As for the DADT -- what does that even mean to you? To him? Limited data or ZERO data.

I want to know he's got a lover, and when/where they go to things and for how long. First because of sex health hygiene impacts on me. Second because does he expect ME to babysit the kids whole time? Or other arrangements for childcare? If some emergency happens, what's the best way to contact him?

I do NOT need to know details like she likes it when he sucks on her toes. Those details do NOT impact my sex health, the house/kid schedule, etc.

I think you guys could talk more.

But be honest on how you are feeling about Sean. It's not a big deal to tell DH you have a crush. It's ok to find others attractive. You are human. This is your husband. Don't sell him short.

You might want to read more

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

http://www.morethantwo.com


HTH!
Galagirl
 
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Dagferi said:
I am not a fan of DADT policies. I do not like my partners feeling like dirty little secrets. plus in case of emergency I like my partners to know where I am and who I am with.



This one I can understand.



This right here IS NOT POLYAMORY it is a swinger mentality. Poly is the ability to have multiple romantic, loving relationships at the same time.



There is nothing wrong with meeting someone for a beer alone.

But acting on a crush who is married who is NOT open and honest with his spouse is wrong wrong wrong. Are you seriously thinking of taking the path of a homewrecker over a crush?

Plus you are breaking rules that YOU agreed to with your husband. That is wrong. If you cannot play by the rules you agreed to that is dishonest. You need to have an open a frank discussion with your husband and renegotiate the rules so that they work for BOTH of you.

Honestly you and your husband need to do a lot more work and soul searching before diving into polyamory. Honestly poly is like throwing a flashlight into a ceramic vase. If the vase is cracked you are going to see every flaw. If it is solid you are not going to see any cracks. Poly is the one of the hardest paths I have ever taken. It can be a marriage destroyer even to the most solid marriage.
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Well it sounds like the others will be dirty little secrets. Discreet, no emotions involved etc
 
You already have feelings for this guy so you have already cheated (based on your rules). It sounds like this guy is already emotionally cheating and I bet if his wife knew about you, she would freak out. Trust me, get rid of rule number 3. Don't ask don't tell is immature and shows you have not properly thought things through as an adult should before jeapording their marriage. You should at least do as much due diligence and research as you would when buying a home. Don't ask don't tell allows for an enormous number of hurtful secrets to pile up and inevitably come spilling out when one least expects it. Regardless of your notion that you promise not to be angry or hurt by inevitable secrets that are revealed, you have no idea until it happens. Imagine finding out the following all at once.
1. Sex is more intense with your husbands new lover
2. He has a pet name for her (maybe the same one he uses for you)
3. They have tried sexual things that you have not
4. They have been to some special place that you have been wanting to go to but haven't had a chance to go with your husband
5. She is way more outgoing than you, more pretty than you and more everything than you (or at least that's what your inner voice is saying)

Instead wouldn't it be better to put on your grown up pants and understand that what happens in healthy normal relationships can trigger jealousy but does not detract from your worth and is to be expected and celebrated?
 
I would say that if you are worried that YOU couldn't handle your husband dating without needing a don't ask don't tell policy, then you're not quite ready to be dating yourself either. And if he is feeling that same way (you mention he has low self-confidence and is not super enthusiastic about all this anyway) then you definitely need to spend more time talking, and less time secretly-not-quite-dating. Many couples who transition to an open relationship - whether that's a poly relationship where emotional connections are encouraged, or a swinging relationship where the focus is on sexual experiences only - take a few years of talking and working through the various issues that arise, before anyone actually pulls the trigger and going out with someone. You seem to be rushing into things because this is the first hot 'n heavy crush feeling you've had for years. But if you're serious about doing this AND maintaining your marriage, you are going to have to slow right down. There will be other hot guys in the future. In fact, there will be other hot guys that are in open relationships themselves, who won't be behaving unethically if they feel the same way.

I suggest the pair of you, you and your husband, start doing some research together - so you can bounce ideas off each other and talk about any worries or fears you have as you read more about the subject. See if there is a local poly meet near you and start going together. You can make friends, listen to other people's experiences, figure out what you are really looking for as individuals and work on strengthening your relationship enough to handle that. You've been brave enough to broach the issue with him, but the way you guys communicate sounds like it needs a bit of work. And you need to address your underlying insecurities about why you'd be uncomfortable knowing he was on a date. DADT policies encourage you and your spouse to start building walls between each other, and we've often seen how this just encourages a couple to grow apart completely. I don't think that's your intention here; I think you sense the possibility of opening your relationship bringing you guys closer together. It can do that, but not if there is a wall of silence between you. Just my first thoughts.
 
Thanks for all the help everybody! This thread has been really eye-opening for me. I actually came into this forum without much knowledge of the polyamory world, just seeking help for an immediate problem I felt I couldn't quite solve on my own, and looking for open-minded people to help me sort things out. We indeed didn't do enough research on the topic of an open relationship but rather just talked about it between ourselves, and I guess we didn't reach the right conclusions just yet.
Reading everything you've said and digging a little into polyamory materials online is actually super interesting. I realize now that our arrangement is more of the "swinging" nature, and while I thought that was what I needed, it actually isn't. I am indeed an NRE addict (at least I used to be when I was single, and looking at this crush I guess I still am) and I realize that hopping into bed with people without getting to know them is not going to give me that NRE rush and is quite the turnoff for me.
Also I realize that DADT is a bad way of trying to handle this situation, and that we need to be more open honest and adult about it.
I think our path to getting there is still long, I'm still trying to process everything I've read and figure out if I'm ready for a truly open relationship of the polyamory kind, and then figure out how to bring it up without causing DH to spiral into self doubt about our relationship; because he does need lots of reassurance and despite my best efforts, I feel like he still sometimes looses confidence in my love (although I love him very much and want our relationship to grow stronger!). Polyamory is a new concept to both of us and really hard to digest at first or at all. So big To-Do list for me!

I am still debating whether I should meet my crush tonight. I'm afraid seeing him again will cause me to fall deeper into crush mode, which I've almost gotten over after not seeing him for a few weeks. Also worried if DH joins us then the crush will be too obvious and he'll be jealous regardless of the fact that nothing happened.
 
Forget the crush!

You're not a teenager, right? A crush is just a little bit of attraction mixed with fantasy and, as tantalizing as it seems, isn't important. Crushes do fade. Your bigger, much more important and pressing issue is to discuss non-monogamy more in-depth with hubs. How? Well, I see no reason why you couldn't simply say to him almost exactly what you wrote in your previous post:

"I realize now that our arrangement is more of the "swinging" nature, and while I thought that was what I needed, it actually isn't . . . I realize that DADT is a bad way of trying to handle this situation, and that we need to be more open honest and adult about it.

I think our path to getting to a healthy and ethical way of practicing non-monogamy is long, and I'm still trying to process everything I've read and figure out if I'm ready for a truly open relationship of the polyamory kind.

I think we need to talk more about how we will do this and all the possible ramifications, but I hope we can be honest with each other without spiraling into self doubt about our relationship. I know you will need lots of reassurance in order not to lose confidence in my love for you, and I will probably need reassurance sometimes too, but I don't think either one of us is really ready to be with other people until we hash it all out. I love you very much and want our relationship to grow stronger!"
 
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The arrangement you have now with your husband limits you to, basically, hook-ups, or at best a very casual fuckbuddy. Is that really what you want? If so, that's fine, and you'll be able to find it. I'd recommend looking in the swinger's community. There are straight single guys in the swinging community (if you're not "wife-swapping" with your husband), and they'll be very appreciative of time alone with a woman. I found an awesome single guy who became an ongoing FWB on SDC. com, and he was just what I needed at the time. He became the first man I spent the night with apart from my husband in over 15 years, and he was just lovely. Or, you can hit up hook-up apps or sites and find some guy who just wants to bang, no emotions, no getting-to-know you period, just in and out and gone. I have a few girlfriends, recently divorced, who swear by Tinder and are having a great time just "hooking up."

If, however, you need some connection with your sex, or you'd prefer to get to know someone before letting them into your private parts, your rules are set up to fail. DADT works well for very casual arrangements, but if someone is going to be a part of your life in any way or around for any significant period of time, you'll find DADT quickly becomes stifling and oppressive. I speak from experience, here.

If hooking up with random dudes is not a satisfying way to have sex for you, you're going to have to come up with a different set of "rules" which allows for friendship or love if it happens, and which acknowledges your lover as a part of your life. Good luck, be safe, and have fun!

UPDATE: I didn't read the whole thread, I see you came around to a lot of this stuff on your own and through other's comments. Again, best of luck in your journey!
 
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I am still debating whether I should meet my crush tonight. I'm afraid seeing him again will cause me to fall deeper into crush mode, which I've almost gotten over after not seeing him for a few weeks. Also worried if DH joins us then the crush will be too obvious and he'll be jealous regardless of the fact that nothing happened.
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That all sounds like this to me... And I might be guessing wrong on the (unspoken vibes) I pick up. So you correct me, ok?

I am still debating whether I should meet my crush tonight:

  • I'm afraid seeing him again will cause me to fall deeper into crush mode.
  • I've almost gotten over after not seeing him for a few weeks. (I want to concentrate on getting over him.)
  • I am worried if DH joins us then the crush will be too obvious and he'll be jealous (and act out at me) regardless of the fact that nothing happened.
  • (I don't feel confident about our DADT agreements. I think DH will go into hyper vigilant mode wondering about every guy we go out with.)
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But basically it sounds like your answer after internal debate is "No. I really don't want to go at this time." So call him and cancel, and don't go. Be decisive and assertive so you can have relief from the niggling thing niggling you.

Then have the conversations you need to have with hubby. NYCindie gave you good advice on the how. There is nothing wrong with your words from your other posts.

Galagirl
 
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Hi GeekGirl,

Re (from OP):
"I'm not sure if this falls under the category of polyamory specifically because of Rule 3."
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No I'm afraid Rule 3 pushes it out of the realm of polyamory. Doesn't mean we can't discuss it here, especially since people have been known to accidentally fall in love.

I am thinking you should probably keep things platonic with Sean. Otherwise you could end up violating the rules of both your marriages.

If you're going to take any action, the action should be renegotiating Rule 3, I think. And maybe for Sean to discuss with his wife the idea of nonmonogamy. But I wouldn't push, with either spouse.

A good book you can read regarding open marriage is "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. Maybe you and your husband could read it together? And we're always here on Polyamory.com to answer any questions you may have.

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
hislittlekitten said:
... one of the things I find that many poly people are very excited about but don't seem to be able to get past is the NRE delight. They're really into the NRE, but when the NRE fades and a relationship has been established, it's all of a sudden a chore. Then they move on and find another relationship...
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I don't actually know that many poly people IRL outside of my tangle. I HAVE noticed that many mono people are ALSO "NRE junkies" - dating and "getting serious" (WAY too soon, IMO) with someone until the shine wears off, then it is off to then next one, looking and looking for "the one" that will make them feel that way "forever" but because they are not in other relationships at the time, it is given a pass.

For myself, the "relationship" doesn't even really start until the NRE has worn off and I still want that person in my life. (I hate NRE for myself, I look forward to the time when it wears off and I can be myself again.)
 
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