Hey, all!
I'm a 27 year old man who has been in a 6 year relationship with a man my age. He has been my first boyfriend. When we first started dating, things were awesome. We were both seniors in college, everything was easy and fun. After graduation, we stayed together and after a few months doing long distance moved in together. At around this time I began to desire other men. It was the wrong thing to do but I cheated on my boyfriend with two different men once or twice over the following three years. I was trying so hard to be the boyfriend he wanted me to be, but I just wasn't satisfied with him alone. I felt incredibly guilty and ashamed.
Two years ago, I confessed to having these affairs and discussed my need to open our relationship. He agreed to allow me to meet men with his permission. At this point we were doing long distance and I slept with a few men over the course of the year. After we moved back in together, I slept with two different men and my boyfriend was clearly uncomfortable with the situation. We had a long talk. He said that he might eventually be comfortable with opening up our relationship if I could prove that I was 100% trustworthy and could respect his boundaries, but that he really wasn't as comfortable with my having sex with multiple people as he initially thought. I love him and when things were better with us it was so awesome, so I agreed to this and we continued the relationship.
Since I confessed to cheating, though, our relationship has been really rocky. My boyfriend has had several mental health crises (partially due to my aforementioned liasons and partially due to his intense and pervasive anxiety disorders). I've tried my best to be supportive of him, talking through his struggles, trying to help him find solutions, listening and respecting his boundaries. I stopped seeing other men, and I've had to shoulder a lot of the burden of our shared life. In spite of the challenges, I really do love my boyfriend. He is a selfless, sweet and genuine person.
Well, the crux of the matter is that we are now doing long-distance again. He gave me permission to sleep with other men as long as I don't tell him. So, I met up with a friend who I previously slept with during the period when our relationship was conditionally open. When we first met two years ago, I was extremely attracted to him and I didn't disclose I was in a relationship before we messed around. I also didn't specifically ask my boyfriend's permission, just rather his permission for us to meet up and then one thing led to another. It was my first officially poly hook up and I botched it royally. So, the next day, I told them both the truth. My friend was at first okay with it and my boyfriend very deeply hurt that I had betrayed him again. Slowly, my boyfriend forgave me and I didn't do anything further with my friend without explicit permission from him. Well, my friend and I had some good times over a period of two or three months and then things fizzled out. I tried to keep up the relationship, but he was often very distant toward me.
In any event, meeting my friend again recently, it was nice to see someone who I had been intentionally avoiding when our relationship was closed. I still find him very attractive. Well, I proposed we fool around again but he said that wasn't good for him. He said he is attracted to me too but needs to be in a monogamous relationship with someone in order to have sex without later feeling used. This explains his distance. I actually really respect his self-awareness and discipline to act according to his heart and not somewhere else. So, he left and since then we've texted a bit, just light stuff, but he's been distant again. I think he really likes me and wants me to dump my boyfriend for him. Truth is, I really like him too and I want to try being with him, even if it means being monogamous... and maybe even if I have to leave my boyfriend for it, as much as I dislike the hurt I'll cause him and the sinking feeling in myself that I'm making the wrong decision.
Well, I want to be true to them and to be honest with myself. I'm definitely attracted to other men and I don't believe I have to define myself as poly. I'm kind of open to trying monogamy with my friend to see if maybe my boyfriend was just the wrong person for me? I know that I've done a lot of things wrong to these two and I'm trying to make amends and do right by them now. I just wish there was some way that I could date my boyfriend and my friend... Do you have any advice for a lost soul?
I'm a 27 year old man who has been in a 6 year relationship with a man my age. He has been my first boyfriend. When we first started dating, things were awesome. We were both seniors in college, everything was easy and fun. After graduation, we stayed together and after a few months doing long distance moved in together. At around this time I began to desire other men. It was the wrong thing to do but I cheated on my boyfriend with two different men once or twice over the following three years. I was trying so hard to be the boyfriend he wanted me to be, but I just wasn't satisfied with him alone. I felt incredibly guilty and ashamed.
Two years ago, I confessed to having these affairs and discussed my need to open our relationship. He agreed to allow me to meet men with his permission. At this point we were doing long distance and I slept with a few men over the course of the year. After we moved back in together, I slept with two different men and my boyfriend was clearly uncomfortable with the situation. We had a long talk. He said that he might eventually be comfortable with opening up our relationship if I could prove that I was 100% trustworthy and could respect his boundaries, but that he really wasn't as comfortable with my having sex with multiple people as he initially thought. I love him and when things were better with us it was so awesome, so I agreed to this and we continued the relationship.
Since I confessed to cheating, though, our relationship has been really rocky. My boyfriend has had several mental health crises (partially due to my aforementioned liasons and partially due to his intense and pervasive anxiety disorders). I've tried my best to be supportive of him, talking through his struggles, trying to help him find solutions, listening and respecting his boundaries. I stopped seeing other men, and I've had to shoulder a lot of the burden of our shared life. In spite of the challenges, I really do love my boyfriend. He is a selfless, sweet and genuine person.
Well, the crux of the matter is that we are now doing long-distance again. He gave me permission to sleep with other men as long as I don't tell him. So, I met up with a friend who I previously slept with during the period when our relationship was conditionally open. When we first met two years ago, I was extremely attracted to him and I didn't disclose I was in a relationship before we messed around. I also didn't specifically ask my boyfriend's permission, just rather his permission for us to meet up and then one thing led to another. It was my first officially poly hook up and I botched it royally. So, the next day, I told them both the truth. My friend was at first okay with it and my boyfriend very deeply hurt that I had betrayed him again. Slowly, my boyfriend forgave me and I didn't do anything further with my friend without explicit permission from him. Well, my friend and I had some good times over a period of two or three months and then things fizzled out. I tried to keep up the relationship, but he was often very distant toward me.
In any event, meeting my friend again recently, it was nice to see someone who I had been intentionally avoiding when our relationship was closed. I still find him very attractive. Well, I proposed we fool around again but he said that wasn't good for him. He said he is attracted to me too but needs to be in a monogamous relationship with someone in order to have sex without later feeling used. This explains his distance. I actually really respect his self-awareness and discipline to act according to his heart and not somewhere else. So, he left and since then we've texted a bit, just light stuff, but he's been distant again. I think he really likes me and wants me to dump my boyfriend for him. Truth is, I really like him too and I want to try being with him, even if it means being monogamous... and maybe even if I have to leave my boyfriend for it, as much as I dislike the hurt I'll cause him and the sinking feeling in myself that I'm making the wrong decision.
Well, I want to be true to them and to be honest with myself. I'm definitely attracted to other men and I don't believe I have to define myself as poly. I'm kind of open to trying monogamy with my friend to see if maybe my boyfriend was just the wrong person for me? I know that I've done a lot of things wrong to these two and I'm trying to make amends and do right by them now. I just wish there was some way that I could date my boyfriend and my friend... Do you have any advice for a lost soul?