Came out to husband and need support

P

polywanna

New member
Hi I'm new obviously.

Husband and I have been together five years, second marriage for both of us. We both have kids who live with us. We are both early forties.

He is a straight cross dresser. He told me four months into our relationship and I was shocked but grew to accept it. Parts of it still make uncomfortable but I deal with it.

I have been vaguely talking about poly for a month. The other day I just told him this is what I am. And he was very uoset, said I just wanted to sleep around. He said he would never accept me having other partners so the ball was in my court.

We agreed to go to therapy with a poly friendly counselor. But I am feeling kind of down like what is the point? If he has made up his mind why bother? I just don't know what to do.
 
Right now he thinks polyamory is sleeping around with whoever whenever however.

You could go to your therapy appointment to talk it out so he knows what YOU mean by "polyamory." And he can successfully repeat it back to you and you agree that he got it.

It is fine if he's still not up for poly after that. He can choose what he is up and not up for.

But I think it might feel better to you if you could know that he understood where you are coming from like he SEES you and HEARS you rather than shooting it all down because of a misconception he has.

That's not responding to YOU. That's reacting to whatever is in HIS head.

Galagirl
 
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That's a good point. I have told him multiple times it's about love and he says bit you would have sex right? And I say yes. And he says no way can he ever be ok with that.
 
The initial reaction from a mono partner is often really, really negative and meant to shut things down, just like how your husband reacted. However, if you allow for time to things to settle in, for him to learn and understand what you mean by poly, he may be more open later on. However, this process can take a long time - years sometimes. And at the end of it, he might still just want to be monogamous which is his right. But hopefully this is the beginning of the conversation and not the end.

And from your wording, it sounds like you really dropped a bomb on him kinda out of the blue. He thought you were one 'type' of person and now, unexpectedly, you inform him 'oh, I'm *this* type, not that.' It's disconcerting. Give him time to stop being in such a reactive state, and he might be able to actually hear what you are saying to him.

It sounds like there is no one else in the picture right now, you've been mulling and come to this conclusion. Is that right?

If so, then I suggest telling him you are not leaving him, you are sorry that you told him in such an abrupt manner (if that is what indeed happened) but this is important to you and you need to share your true, authentic self with him. Ask him to not react right away, to take some time to have his feelings and *then* respond. His feelings are valid by the way, as are yours. And while it's very human to say 'Nope, never, no way' to something so threatening (and poly is threatening, don't doubt that), it's not very productive. Ask him to try to hear you instead of whatever fears or stereotypes are running around in his head.

Good luck!
 
No I told him I was interested in it and we discussed it. We had about four long conversations about possibilities and what if and he said he just couldn't imagine wanting to add another person to his life. And he couldn't imagine being ok with me having another partner.

And then I just told him this is what I am. And I don't know any other way I could have done that.

I guess there is hope. I don't want to hurt him. But I feel like I have to be true to myself too.

There is no one else yet. We have some sexual incompatibility and that's why I started thinking about it.
 
Well it is a good sign that he is willing to see a poly-friendly therapist/counselor with you - maybe he or she can explain things to him in a way he can hear without feeling as threatened as when he hears you say them.

And you and the therapist can point out to him how you accepted who he is despite still being uncomfortable about it. Many cross-dressers have been kicked out of their homes by their wives upon finding out, but you did not do that. That should go a long way in his coming to understand your feelings, hopefully.
 
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Oh aha. I wondered why you brought up his crossdressing.

Does it bother you that he enjoys crossdressing? You don't find it a turn-on, in fact, quite the opposite?

So, you want to find a gender "normative" guy to shag, one that you imagine will suit you better sexually?

And also, do you feel since you came to accept his crossdressing (however reluctantly) he should accept your polyamory (or polysexuality) in return?

All well and good. We all grow as adults, and become more comfortable with sharing who we really are. In this case, I am glad you came here to learn about opening up your marriage. In addition to reading threads here, there are other places to learn about the healthiest ways to do poly. It takes time, so try not to be disheartened by his initial reaction.

Look around morethantwo.com

books: Opening Up, More Than Two, The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn.
 
nycindie said:
Well it is a good sign that he is willing to see a poly-friendly therapist/counselor with you - maybe he or she can explain things to him in a way he can hear without feeling as threatened as when he hears you say them.

And you and the therapist can point out to him how you accepted who he is despite still being uncomfortable about it. Many cross-dressers have been kicked out of their homes by their wives upon finding out, but you did not do that. That should go a long way in his coming to understand your feelings, hopefully.
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Yeah, no, it doesn't necessarily work tit for tat like that. For example, many gay men and lesbians are rabidly anti-polyamory. No reason just because you are differently orientated queer-wise, that you'll be secure enough to do poly.
 
Magdlyn said:
Yeah, no, it doesn't necessarily work tit for tat like that. For example, many gay men and lesbians are rabidly anti-polyamory. No reason just because you are differently orientated queer-wise, that you'll be secure enough to do poly.
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No, I didn't mean to sound like he should automatically accept poly just because she accepted his cross-dressing. What I meant was (and I guess I wasn't very clear!) that if he can see how lovingly she accepted something that he felt is an important part of who he is, despite being uncomfortable with it, that maybe he would begin to have an inkling of how she feels this is just as much an important part of who she is. That doesn't mean he would nor should agree to be in a poly arrangement, because it is still something that may not fit what he wants, but maybe he can start to see it as something other than "my wife just wants to fuck other people."
 
I brought it up because it's a part of who we are as a coupke. I am accepting of it. I'm not attracted to him when he is fully dressed but he is ok with that.

I don't expect that he will accepted poly just because I accepted CD. We had been dating a few months when he told me so this is completely different.

We have some sexual incompatibilities that led me to explore poly. I don't know if they are related to him being a CD or not. But this isn't about me wanting to have sex its that I want intimacy with more than one person.

I'm glad he's willing to go to counseling. I'm finding most therapists who are ok with gender issues are poly friendly too.

Thanks everyone for your insights and help.

I'm feeling a little down today. I just wish I could be normal I guess. I need a new normal.
 
Hi polywanna,

Would you be willing to let us know how the counseling goes? I'm hopeful and curious.

If your husband is willing to do a little reading, maybe Franklin Veaux's FAQ page might help? Something to consider.

I wish both you and your husband the best.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I definitely will.

We had a really long talk this week that was tearful and emotionally exhausting. There was a misunderstanding because I thought that he had said absolutely not to poly and just wanted to go to counseling so we could figure out what to do next.

And I started to think that if this was the case I couldn't stay in a marriage like this and I had to be true to myself. I started looking at apartments and trying to figure out what to do, and it was killing me.

We talked about it all and I think he realizes now this isn't a choice for me and that I'm scared to death. I don't want to lose him.

He said he wants to go to counseling because he wants to try to make it work. I am still stunned. Yesterday I told him I'm scared and he said he's scared too because we are changing our entire relationship. He told me that he doesn't want to lose me and I realize how much this man loves me that he is even willing to attempt this.
 
Wow, so he is possibly (eventually) open to poly after all? That's good news.
 
Polywanna my heart goes out to you!
I'm terrified I will find myself in the same situation when I tell my fiancé. I think if she can get over the initial shock she might work with me, but I'm afraid she will just bail.
You are giving me a little hope!
 
Oh no I just wrote a long post and then lost my internet connection and now I have to start over.

Well long story short....we are looking for a counselor. Found one out of network, will make an appointment next week because she said she does have openings.

We got into a fight about it all this week and we both got really angry. I don't even know what I was angry about. He was just being impossible I suppose. I know I could have handled it better. I am the one asking him to deal with me not the other way around.

But it was good. I think we both got our angry feelings out and said things we needed to say. And then the next day we both felt bad. He told me some things about his first marriage and his life that I didn't know, so at least we are communicating more. He is doing a lot of self reflection which is awesome.

He told me he feels like a bad husband when we fight and that he doesn't want to lose me and wants to go to therapy and work this out. I am just really surprised to be honest. I mean I knew he loved me but I didn't think he would be able to do this or even think about it.

He did tell me that he never had casual sex and he hasn't had many partners, he has been a very relationship heavy person so the idea of this is foreign to him. I told him I don't want to have casual sex. I think honestly he might be afraid that if he tries to find partners he is going to strike out. I am going to talk to him about that. Of course we all know it's easier for women to find poly partners than men.

I'm feeling good about things today so we will see!

Good luck to everyone who is doing the mono to poly transition. And thanks for your support.
 
polywanna said:
I think honestly he might be afraid that if he tries to find partners he is going to strike out. I am going to talk to him about that. Of course we all know it's easier for women to find poly partners than men.
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He doesn't need to "be poly" just because you are. In many couples one person feels good being mono and the other feels good being poly. We have lots of couples in this forum who are mono/poly (one of each.)
 
It is not actually easier for women to find partners than it is for men. Women are approached more, since it is socially acceptable (and maybe hormonal) for men to be initiators. But just because 10 men write to me on OK Cupid, for example, it does not mean I've found 10 perfect poly partners. I have found I need to talk to at least 20 men to find one I'd even want a first date with. And I have had several first, 2nd or 3rd dates that then led nowhere.
 
I know that there are mono/poly couples. We have talked about that option and I have asked him to read some articles about it.

We went to counseling together. It was a bit strange. He likes her and I do too. I felt like I did more of the talking. He seemed to kind of freeze up and wouldn't really say much. He did say that this reminds him of the demise of his first marriage.

I'm just hoping that this can be worked through. I'm feeling a lot of guilt. I had an individual session with her and told her how guilty I feel and that I'm doing something bad to him. She said that I'm not doing anything to him I'm just being authentic to myself.

We have another session together next week. I asked him to read More Than Two with me but he says he isn't ready. I just feel like he's suffering and kind of holding it in. I just wish he could talk about it and let it out.
 
It's good that you guys are in counseling. I think that will help.

I hear your frustration that he won't open up and talk. I think he will, eventually, a little at a time.
 
It is so hard for men to identify and talk about their feelings. From birth, almost, they are told to man up and hold things in. The only 2 emotions men are allowed to have are anger and horniness, seems to me. They can be happy when their team wins in sports. Otherwise, the nuances of good and painful emotions are in a deep dark hole in their psyches.

Of course, I am generalizing. There are some men capable of identifying and working through their emotions, but I find them rare.

This is totally off topic, but I have struggled with men for so long. My marriage to my ex husband lasted 30 years and was rotten the last 10. Then we separated and I fell in love with a WOMAN. It is like night and day. SO much easier (for me) to talk to and love a woman. She is so kind, we talk things over in depth, we relate emotionally, she is so supportive, kind and gentle with me.

I am bisexual, so I still date men. I have looked and looked for a good boyfriend (over six years now) and been disappointed over and over again. So lately, I have sort of given up on men for a real relationship, and just have a guy I see for a sexual romp every week or two. This is working well for me!
 
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