Mono/poly newly opened relationship. Need advice

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daledavis67

New member
I have been with my current partner for 8 years. We were married last September. I had grown accustomed to the possibility of her entering into intimate relationships with other women because I viewed them as less threatening and able to offer her things, as a man, I could not. I had no illusions one way or another about my involvement in those relationships. So in this respect I was already open to additional relationships. What She didn't share with me was her interest was also in men as well.

When we first started dating there was a suggestion of a threesome with another man. I didn't rule out that as a possibility but was uncomfortable with it at that time. She took that to mean that it was off the table and only ever talked about her interest in women. I gave my consent to those relationships as long as any sexual interactions were safe.

For the past year she has been exploring her kinky side and is going to Fusion for the first time as I write this. As far as her kinks I have wanted to give her space to explore the things she is interested in without me hovering over her. I recently went to my first kinky happy hour. I am interested in meeting her friends and exploring some of these things for myself. I met some nice people and there seems to be a lot of cross-over in kink and poly communities.

A little over a month ago she met with a sub guy she was talking too about doing a scene with. What I didn't realize was that she had an interest in this guy physically and emotionally and she ended up kissing him. When she came home and told me it was a big surprise. In an instant I had gone from being OK with her exploring relationships with women to her being in the beginning of a relationship with another man.

She said she kept her interest in men inside as a way to protect my feelings. She felt she might be able to just explore relationships with women and be alright with that. I feel like I had a long time to grow accustomed to her being involved with a woman but the very first relationship she wants to pursue is with a man. I feel rushed now and am torn by many emotions.

Most of all I want to preserve our relationship but all of the unknowns are really frightening. How will I feel about her after she has slept with another man? How will she feel about me after that? Will she be thinking about him while she is with me? She says from a time management point of view she only wants to have one additional significant relationship and is not interested in random sexual encounters.

I don't feel I can ask not to do certain things because I feel if they were not important to her she would not have brought them up. I do not want her to resent me in any way. She did tell me the only reason she was able to bring these things up was the fact that our relationship is so strong. I am unsure of my own feelings about a fully open poly relationship. All I know is that I owe it to her to examine this new dynamic and see how I feel through the process. I am very anxious about all of the unknowns and there are some things that we can't undo once done.

I need advice. Please feel free to ask any questions you like. I am currently reading Opening Up and More Than Two and have read both twice already. We have listened to some of the sections together and use that to start conversations.
 
I will say this as gently as I can. You're being a sexist ass. There's no difference in what a man or a woman can offer your partner in a relationship. If you were fine imagining her being with a woman you were either a) deriving some sort of gratification from that image yourself, or b) imagining that whatever feelings (sexual or romantic) that that woman inspired in your partner, they could in no way be better, or even equal, to whatever feelings (sexual or romantic) that you inspire in her.

In other words, you hold a belief that your partner could not possibly leave you for another woman. That belief likely has something to do with how you see yourself in comparison to other women. Superior. Better. It also has something to do with how you see yourself in comparison to other men. Inferior. Lesser. You worry about "What if he has a bigger better cock?" when you haven't even thought "What if she knows how to make my girl cum harder with her tongue?". You are acting like the only thing you have going for you is the fact you're a guy with a dick in his pants, and so could be easily replaced when another one comes along, when you have so much more to offer her than that. Stop selling yourself short!

OK, so I lied. I didn't put that as gently as I could. You are, however, in good company. We get loads of messages from guys just like you, who freak out, feel less-than, and like their very masculinity has been threatened by the idea of another cock touching their lady-friend. And who then go on to insist on a One Penis Policy in their open relationship to ensure that never happens. Society has been feeding you messages like this for your entire life, so I'm not saying this to be mean or judgemental. But you are certainly capable of overcoming that kind of programming. Keep yourself grounded in the facts of the situation. Your partner cares about you. She loves you. She doesn't want to leave you. So trust her.
 
I applaud you for you insight and thoughtfulness to explore this possibility. Get ready for more responses like the above. You are not a sexist ass but many women on here are militant on insisting there is no difference between giving consent for your wife dating a woman vs a man. If we were raised in a nonbiased completely equal and egalitarian society with no cultural mores, taboos, emasculation, or bullying that may be the case. but we don't live in such a paradise and frankly Tenk calling you an ass only points the finger back to her as an even bigger one for not recognizing this or empathizing with you. It's a common thing for men to be OK with women being with their wife.
1. yes it feels less threatening
2. yes bisexuality is hot between two women for most hetero males
3. yes there is an ick factor to sharing the same woman for MANY men because of penis cooties
4. yes men are far more physically dangerous and more likely to rape or kill your wife than women
5. yes there will be more feelings of competitiveness generally between two men

these are all valid reasons along with others that give men pause for such a relationship. Your emotions are valid and do not make you an ass.

The first thing to address is the fact that your wife was dishonest with you, took advantage of the leniency you gave her within the confines of your agreed upon boundaries, and tried to change the rules the minute they no longer suited her. My wife did the same thing in a far worse way and we are still feeling the repercussions from her decision. So you have every right to feel blindsided and hurt. It feels like cheating I'll bet.

Before you even consider to take on poly with other men, your wife needs to make amends and apologize for crossing your boundaries. Many people start into open relationships with "rules", and any time a specific rule is broken it hurts. It shows dishonesty and a lack of respect. Many swingers will have the rule that no feelings are allowed, or no specific sex acts are allowed with other people. Many times those rules get broken and cause hurt. Many of the people on here that will call you sexist will at the same time tell the hurt swinger that he/she is right to feel hurt.

Next you will need to analyze each of my above reasons and any others you may have about men and decide if they are really true and something worth worrying about. It will take time. Turn the tables on your wife. Tell her you are planning on dating women. See what she feels about that. There can be no double standards. Thus far you have not appeared to seem interested in poly so that may be off the radar for her and shock the ever living shit out of her. Thus far I see no because of your willingness to let this be a one sided poly situation, I don't see anything wrong with your preference to keep it restricted to women. because there was no double standard. People will have a messy list...like no dating family, friends or coworkers. I see nothing wrong with having men be on your messy list at least until you date other women. Then it's a double standard.



I see nothing wrong with your original agreement with your wife and applaud you for your willingness to explore changing it. Feel free to private message me if you like. Know your limits and boundaries, guard them and be prepared to end your marriage if they truly are your limits.
 
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tenK said:
I will say this as gently as I can. You're being a sexist ass. There's no difference in what a man or a woman can offer your partner in a relationship. If you were fine imagining her being with a woman you were either a) deriving some sort of gratification from that image yourself, or b) imagining that whatever feelings (sexual or romantic) that that woman inspired in your partner, they could in no way be better, or even equal, to whatever feelings (sexual or romantic) that you inspire in her.

In other words, you hold a belief that your partner could not possibly leave you for another woman. That belief likely has something to do with how you see yourself in comparison to other women. Superior. Better. It also has something to do with how you see yourself in comparison to other men. Inferior. Lesser. You worry about "What if he has a bigger better cock?" when you haven't even thought "What if she knows how to make my girl cum harder with her tongue?". You are acting like the only thing you have going for you is the fact you're a guy with a dick in his pants, and so could be easily replaced when another one comes along, when you have so much more to offer her than that. Stop selling yourself short!

OK, so I lied. I didn't put that as gently as I could. You are, however, in good company. We get loads of messages from guys just like you, who freak out, feel less-than, and like their very masculinity has been threatened by the idea of another cock touching their lady-friend. And who then go on to insist on a One Penis Policy in their open relationship to ensure that never happens. Society has been feeding you messages like this for your entire life, so I'm not saying this to be mean or judgemental. But you are certainly capable of overcoming that kind of programming. Keep yourself grounded in the facts of the situation. Your partner cares about you. She loves you. She doesn't want to leave you. So trust her.
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Wow. So much for getting support on this forum. You also do not know me and should, perhaps, ask some questions before you make some assumptions. You may have just made an ass out of yourself.

There is a difference in between what a man or a woman bring to a relationship. We are different creatures. We talk, feel, think, act, speak, touch, love, etc, etc, etc differently. I was fine imagining her with another woman because she talked about being with another woman for 6+ years. It is part of who she is and I love everything about her, the curves and the edges. She has even started a relationship with another woman and I have been supportive and encouraging. What she didn't talk about was her equal desire to have another man in her life. I have had 5 weeks to wrap my head around that idea and confront all of the feelings and emotions that brings. As far as what gratification I take from that relationship, I am happy to give her the ability to explore things she feels strongly about. I also have no illusion about the possibilities of her taking greater pleasure, satisfaction, enjoyment, fulfillment, be it sexual or romantic, being greater than what we have. Its all a risk and you won't know if it is worth it until you take it.

I do not hold any belief that my partner wouldn't leave me for another woman. I also do not hold myself superior or better than any woman. I have a mother and 3 older sisters. I feel I have grown up very well adjusted. I feel that a woman, assuming you love and respect her, sets the tone in a relationship. I do many small things every day to let her know just how important she is to me. I also do not think of myself as inferior to anyone. I know my value and worth and what I bring to a relationship. I am sure there are plenty of guys with bigger dicks than I and she has been with a couple. What I am experiencing are, from what I have read so far, are normal fears of loss, of inadequacy in providing everything she needs, which no one person can be reasonably expected to do. Rationally I know this. It's the irrational part of my mind that has to catch up.

I do not "freak-out" about another cock touching my wife. We have, in our fantasies with each other, included men and women in our sex lives. I is very exciting to see how she reacts to things I say to her about what another man or woman would be doing to her. I have often thought about adding a third, either a man or a woman, if the situation was right and how much pleasure she would take from that.

Some of what is going on inside me could very-well-be this programming you speak of. In all of the research I have done over these past 5 weeks i have identified fear as being the root of my feelings. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the loss of the amazing life we have built together. Fear of negative change.

Even through all of this fear I am still present. Still talking about all these things with her. Letting her experience the things she feels are important to her growth and expression. This weekend she is exploring some kinky experiences. Her new potential partner will be her sub in a scene. She has to experience these things for herself. Make her own choices. I trust in our commitment to each other. and we will talk about her experiences and choices when she gets back on Monday. I am sure there will be some difficult things to talk about. But I want to talk about them. I want to see how far my love for this amazing woman can expand my mind and heart.

tenK, you do come across a little mean and judgmental. I am sure this is colored by your own past experiences. Maybe in the future put in a little effort to get to know the people you are dispensing advice to on these forums. The Internet has a way of insulating us and making it easier to be hurtful in what we say. I think if you and I were sitting down over a drink and I started the conversation in the same way your response to me would have been different. You would have seen and felt the deep love I have for my wife and understood immediately that I am not some other douchebag you have had poor interactions with in the past. I am just am man deeply in love with his wife 8 years after they met, struggling with a change to the basic structure of their relationship, and looking for help from people with more experience in this than myself.

Thanks for your reading and understanding
 
Dale, while tenK's response sounds harsh, as she said, these forums often see posts about situations in which men have "approved" their wives seeing other *women*, but not other men...and in a number of those cases, the man wants to see other women as well, either not realizing or not caring how hypocritical that might be.

You said in your original post that you wonder how you and your wife will feel about each other if she sleeps with another man, and I think that's where tenK got some of what she was responding to. Why would you and your wife feel any differently about each other if she has sex with a man than if she has sex with a woman? It's still fucking someone other than you, regardless of genitalia. If she's attracted to both men and women, it shouldn't matter to you or her which one she's having sex with in terms of how you "feel about each other."

I can see how learning *now* that your wife is interested in exploring relationships with other men, after believing for a while that she was only interested in doing so with women, would be a shock to you and would bring up questions and fears. In my opinion, there's no difference between her having sex/relationship with a man vs. with a woman, other than one has a penis and the other has a vagina.

I also don't see any difference in what a man brings to a relationship vs. what a woman brings, but that may be because the men I've been involved with all tell me I think more like a man, despite being "emotional like most women" as one (to my irritation) put it. Both men and women bring love, caring, compassion, and intimacy to a relationship. There might be differences in how they *express* those things, but there's no difference in the basics, as far as I'm concerned.

I do applaud you for accepting this as part of who your wife truly is, and for taking the time to discuss it with her, research it, and try to find a way to make peace with it for her sake. That is definitely a sign that you two have a strong marriage, and that this is something that could work for you.

It's okay to feel afraid, or jealous, or concerned. Feelings happen. But it sounds like you're taking steps to address the thoughts that are attached to those emotions, and that's a good thing.
 
You will see more replies like tenKs with the same accusations, but probably not as harsh. This site has a decidedly feminist slant to it and most of the women on here abhor the patriarchy our society has built. It's not a surprise since poly has its roots in feminism. I just sometimes wish they would listen to the men on here with a bit more empathy and understand why its a repeating thing for husbands to fear their wife's dating other men but not women. If so many men have the same reaction and its disproportionately displayed on the husband side than the wife side then maybe it's legitimate. We are all a product of our society and this fear has been socialized into us not just by men but by women also since they make up half of the society. Where there is smoke there is usually fire. It's like deligitimizing a common fear of women like date rape or something. The emotion is valid because there is usually a kernel of truth behind it.

Think about how most men behave and are raised.

1. Most men feel lucky and unworthy that their wife chose them to marry. Most people think of marriage as taking a valuable prize "off the market" that the competition is over and that person is yours now and you don't need to worry about them leaving you for bigger better things. Obviously this is not true but most people feel this way nonetheless. Perhaps men feel this even more so because we have had it instilled in us that the woman is a prize, we are lucky if she chooses us because let's face it women are by far the pickier of the two genders when it comes to choosing mates. One look at a dating site will confirm this. We have to do the chasing, its still very rare for women to make the first move in dating and God forbid a woman ask a man to marry her. Men are constantly taught that it is up to us to "pursue" the relationship and "win" her heart. It's something women can never understand especially for men who are introverts. It can be soul crushing. We are forced to wear our heart on our sleeve and risk rejection. Another woman never enters our mind as competition for the same woman. It is always men.

2. When men gather they tend to try to establish a pecking order and there are always assholes that like to think of themselves as alpha regardless of the circumstances. They frequently try to establish their "alpha" ness by basically being a bully.

3. It is often reinforced that when your gf or wife is with another man its because you didn't satisfy her and are a cuckold. It's probably what you deserve because you didn't see to her happiness or your sexual prowess wasn't up to par. Meanwhile the other man is seen as having game and getting one over on you.

4. Porn and regular TV reinforce the notion that two women having sex is something to cheer and celebrate about, not something to fear. Meanwhile porn also shows big dicked black guys and delivery men giving the wife the kind of sex she really craves that her pussy husband could never give.

Now after the prize has been "won" via marriage you start to feel safe. Remember it's until death do us part...right? You don't need to worry about competition right? Another man interested in being with our wife feels like the competition starting up all over again. It feels like winning a race and on the way back home with your trophy, being challenged to ANOTHER race because they want your trophy. I know this objectifies the wife but this is truly how it feels from a man's perspective. What are his intentions? Doesn't he know I won this trophy fair and square? Is he here to embarrass me? Emasculate me? Establish dominance? This doesn't feel fair within the unspoken rules of what it means to be a man in our society.

Women have never been on our radar as competition, only men. That may change as bisexuality becomes more accepted, although women who want to be with other women for the rest of their life tend to be lesbians. Most bisexuals tend to not discover it until later in life and most women KNOW that their husbands are probably OK with them kissing and flirting with other women. Many times bisexual women will choose to settle down with a man because it is the easier path through life and to get children, even knowing about their bisexuality. This may change now too with gay marriage being legalized and bioscience getting closer to being able to create kids from same gendered people.

So there are many legitimate fears, but also irrational fears if you can learn to break free of the role and script society has handed to us as males.
 
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Hi Dale,

From reading your posts so far, I actually have an optimistic view of your situation, and think that the best way to cope with your concerns is to take things slowly. Is your wife willing to take things slowly? If so, it'll give you some time to adjust and recover from your system shock.

You did not know that your wife was interested in other men. While I get that she kept this a secret because she didn't want to hurt you, I think it was a mistake. Now you're struggling to catch up in a race where she's been getting ahead for years. It should be no surprise to her if you're lagging behind.

Opening Up and More than Two are generally understood to be the best books we currently have on polyamory, so kudos to you for picking and reading them. Now you just need to adjust to this new information. I think the desire to adjust is already there. As I said, taking it slow is the key.

I hope you'll keep reading and posting on this forum. It's not a perfect forum, but it's got a lot of good points and there are people here who will help and support you.

I'll continue to follow your story.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I didn't say he was a sexist ass, but that he was (possibly) being one, in his unconscious behaviour. I guess I came on too strong if graviton felt the need to write basically the same post twice calling me out, but hey. That's what makes the forum work. If the OP wants to feel better about the situation he finds himself in, I think he needs to stop trying to think of the million-ways-this-situation-is-different-from-before and start seeing the million-ways-this-is-no-different-from-before.

OP: I get that you feel your wife just threw you a curve ball. I cannot empathise with exactly how you are feeling because I am a woman and I've been fed the converse of everything society has fed you about life, sexuality, your place in the world. However, I can (and do) certainly sympathise with you in that I too have been dealt curve balls in my life. When life smacks you in the face with a 2x4, it's often prudent to re-evaluate some of your ingrained beliefs. Since the gender of your partners prospective partner seems to be the trigger point, I suggested you look to that area first. I also suggested you trust her, continue to love her, and to give yourself more credit. Her wanting to have a relationship with another man is no more a reflection on you, any more than her wanting to have a relationship with another woman is.

As for not knowing and feeling like she has hidden this from you…well…you have known she finds men sexually attractive for far longer than you have known she is sexually attracted to women, and you have known she is not monogamous for as long as she has told you she'd like to open the relationship. If you thought that your bisexual wife would never want to actually hook up with a man, then you need to ask yourself why not. By your own admission, she talked about possibly bringing another man in for an MFM threesome, but you convinced yourself she wasn't really that into it. Why? By all means, feel indignant about my delivery, but think about it for a moment, eh?
 
graviton said:
[…] women who want to be with other women for the rest of their life tend to be lesbians.
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Really? And you know this how?

graviton said:
Many times bisexual women will choose to settle down with a man because it is the easier path through life and to get children, even knowing about their bisexuality.
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So I guess me and my girlfriend are just a bit slow on the uptake are we?

*facepalm*
 
tenK said:
Really? And you know this how?



So I guess me and my girlfriend are just a bit slow on the uptake are we?

*facepalm*
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you know darn well bisexual and gay people historically and predominantly opt for a traditional marriage to stay in the closet, or just make life smoother for themselves. You are in the minority, I predict this will change with more acceptance.
 
graviton said:
Many times bisexual women will choose to settle down with a man because it is the easier path through life and to get children, even knowing about their bisexuality.
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I don't think graviton meant that bisexual women are "slow," just that we've all come of age in a time when hetero families have been the norm. Of course marriage to a man has been the easier and obvious path for many bisexual women who have desired children, myself included. Our society is changing at lighting speed about this issue, but for most of us who came up in the 70s, 80s and 90s, having children meant establishing a heterosexual relationship. His comments weren't personal slights, just explanations of the many strong messages downloaded into us all. My life certainly has been just as influenced by the strong message to have a hetero family as the OP's has been by the message that other men (not women) are sexually challenging.
 
graviton said:
... Most bisexuals tend to not discover it until later in life ...
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Definitely not the experience of any of the bisexuals that I know personally. I have met lesbians who didn't discover that until later in life (mostly now divorced women who didn't realize that women were an option until their marriage fell apart), but all of the bisexuals that I know (myself included) came to that conclusion in college or earlier.
 
As far as just knowing about one's bisexual preferences, I'd agree with Jane Q. that most people born post Baby Boom have the benefit of the sexual revolution and would at least be aware of their desires. There's a big difference between knowing you're attracted to both sexes and choosing to make a family. In the case of bisexual people who've wanted children, my impression is that the overwhelming majority have, until very recently, decided to start a family and raise kids with an opposite sex partner because it has indeed been the much easier and widely accepted option. That's rapidly changing now, of course, but the hetero family has been a strong norm for most who came of age before June 26, 2015.
 
FallenAngelina said:
...There's a big difference between knowing you're attracted to both sexes and choosing to make a family. In the case of bisexual people who've wanted children, my impression is that the overwhelming majority have, until very recently, decided to start a family and raise kids with an opposite sex partner because it has indeed been the much easier and widely accepted option...
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I do think there is a fair amount of truth to this statement. You also have to figure in that, probably, the majority of bisexual people do NOT consider themselves polyamorous (although perhaps a larger percentage than gay or straight people?). SO, if their monogamy partner is opposite sex they may present as "straight" to most of the world, and if their monogamy partner is same sex they may present as "gay" to most of the world. Only close friends and partner may "see" their true orientation (or people who have known them long enough to "see" them have partners of whatever gender - i.e. who are close enough to have observed their dating patterns when single.) I think that "serial monogamy" is probably the norm for most bisexual people (as it seems to be for everyone else).

I have known I was bisexual since I was 18 (I knew I was theoretically "poly" well before that - although I wasn't convinced that "love" actually existed) - I have had an equal number of male and female sexual partners. BUT the FIRST (and for 19 years, ONLY) person that I fell "in love with" was male. The desire to have children didn't really come into play for me (although I do believe that it does for many), as MrS was quite adamant when we married that he didn't want children.

(As an aside, my - lesbian - friend tells me that I have it "easy" because I "pass" because I am married to a man AND my - straight male - friend tells me I'm not "really" bisexual because I am married to a man. Bisexual people often report that they feel marginalized by both gay and straight people - i.e. that bisexuality is "just a phase" that people outgrow while they are young and experimenting to find out what they "really" are.)
 
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JaneQSmythe said:
Definitely not the experience of any of the bisexuals that I know personally. I have met lesbians who didn't discover that until later in life (mostly now divorced women who didn't realize that women were an option until their marriage fell apart), but all of the bisexuals that I know (myself included) came to that conclusion in college or earlier.
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Just wanted to respond to this but I think we're getting off topic here. By later in life I meant college. I am certainly no expert on bisexuals but I have known a number of them and most of them had no clue that they were bisexual until college. They admitted that they had a passing curiosity by Jr high or high school but they didn't really know if it was just curiosity or something more. There are always those people that are bicurious where maybe they're just interested in having a once in a great while interlude with a member of the same sex. I guess for me a true bisexual is somebody who feels just as comfortable with either gender & can have a romantic committed relationship with either gender. Obviously we all exist on a spectrum from flaming homosexual to straight laced heterosexual with the bisexuals being somewhere in between.

We should probably move this topic to a different thread so we don't hijack it anymore. My discussion of bisexual women simply was trying to illustrate the difference (in a man's mind) between having sexual competition with another man versus that of a bisexual woman and that contrary to many of your beliefs it really doesn't have anything to do with believing that females are inferior and therefore no competition. For most of us they simply have never been competition in our dating lives so they're not even on our radar.
 
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I'm sorry you struggle.

I see layers.

1) Was kissing this guy cheating on current agreements? If so...while good that she told you ASAP? I think it would have been better to negotiate for changes first rather than breaking agreements and THEN negotiating for changes. You may want to ask for this in future.

2) If you are willing to renegotiate agreements... I think doing some reading together is a good start. You may have to examine these things:

How will I feel about her after she has slept with another man?
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Any dude, or this one particular one that she may have broken agreements with? Is it like 30% any dude, but 70% this dude? Something else?


How will she feel about me after that?
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What do you think she might feel that concerns you? Are you able to articulate?

Will she be thinking about him while she is with me?
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Is it that you are worried she won't be PRESENT with you? Off in dream land?

I had grown accustomed to the possibility of her entering into intimate relationships with other women because I viewed them as less threatening and able to offer her things, as a man, I could not.
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Is this fear mainly about "I can't compare with women. I don't have that equipment. So I'm not bothered. I'm worried about how I might compare with other men" stuff? Is there some "I'm afraid she will leave me for him" fear stuff?

3) Could any of this help sort what the fears are from?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf


How about these for coping?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

I don't feel I can ask not to do certain things because I feel if they were not important to her she would not have brought them up.
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I think you could ask her to bring things up to you in future in a less stressful way. Communicate about HOW she communicates. This "out of the blue" thing has thrown you for a loop. You can ask her to approach you in the way you like to be approached instead. I know I don't like "bombs from the sky" if they can be helped.

As for WHAT she's communicating... you could ask your own clarifying questions. See where her willingness to work with you lies. You are not a mind reader. You have to ask in order to know and sort stuff out. If you are willing to talk? Ask for what you need -- esp if you need her to go slow. Hopefully she shares your desire to preserve stability and security in the (you + her) layer of things and is wiling to modulate WHEN things may happen.

It's hard to trust her to control herself with new agreements if with previous recent agreements she was kissing some guy and crossing a line. Is that a part of the emotions to sort?

Could this list of activities help you both determine what slow IS to you both? Go down each one together with colored pencils. Maybe you have a list for women she dates and one for men. The goal might be to be as free as possible with both genders, but work with wherever it is you are both at.

You give some, she gives some.
Your confidence in her hinge skills grows, you give more. She gives more.

YKWIM?

  • green light -- fine to do with my blessing.
  • yellow light -- proceed with caution. These are "soft limits" -- that can change over the passage of time or with certain people. Maybe you guys agree to discern these kinds of things on a case by case basis?
  • red light -- These are the "hard limit" deal breakers that do NOT change over time.


Then do the sheet again X months from now. Re-color them to reflect the comfort level at THAT point in time. Bit by bit.

Could that help?

Galagirl
 
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Why would one particular gender be more okay with you? I don't understand why her wanting a relationship with a man somehow changes the game such that now you feel "rushed." Poly is poly, multiple relationships are multiple relationships. Why so threatened by the idea of another dick in her? Geez, man, her sexuality is hers and hers alone and she doesn't need your permission to express it as she sees fit. Pussy, cock, what does it matter? I am asking in all sincerity - why does the idea of her having a male lover throw you off-base, when poly is about love and the emotional component of a relationship? Get to the heart of the matter and you might become free of any trepidation you're feeling.
 
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nycindie said:
Why would one particular gender be more okay with you? I don't understand why her wanting a relationship with a man somehow changes the game such that now you feel "rushed." Poly is poly, multiple relationships are multiple relationships. Why so threatened by the idea of another dick in her? Geez, man, her sexuality is hers and hers alone and she doesn't need your permission to express it as she sees fit. Pussy, cock, what does it matter? I am asking in all sincerity - why does the idea of her having a male lover throw you off-base, when poly is about love and the emotional component of a relationship? Get to the heart of the matter and you might become free of any trepidation you're feeling.
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Read my posts on the previous page. It is something you can never fully understand being raised as a woman in our society, particularly if you have any bisexual proclivities.
 
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