The "How Are You Doing" Thread (redux)

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nycindie said:
I've decided on an alias for the new guy with whom I went out on two dates: Berry. Not going to explain that one, but it makes sense to me.

Anyway, feeling good about Berry -- glad he contacted me on OKCupid, and glad we met. I like Berry a lot and it seems he likes me a lot, and we are both hot for each other, but we are also both very busy people! Our schedules might not mesh very well this summer. Looks like we probably won't be able to see each other for a few more weeks due to his work schedule and various commitments he's got, and my days being switched around at work a little bit, to cover my co-workers' vacations.

I told Berry not to stress about getting together, that it will happen when it happens and we should just enjoy whatever opportunities might come up, even if brief or infrequent. He said he appreciates my laid-back attitude about it. I would really like to jump his bones sooner rather than later, even though I was the one who turned down the offer to have sex with him on our second date, but what can I do about that now? It was the right decision that day.

I'd rather be chill about being able to hook up with Berry than all uptight if it doesn't happen. Life's too short. Plus I've got shit to do.
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I'm kind of in the same place, nycindie. Had my second date with Cuba Monday evening. We stayed in his place and watched movies all night. He ended up asking me to stay overnight, which I did gladly. Things advanced physically very quickly later on. No actual sex, but it established a nice flow to our intimacy.

Not really sure when I will get to see him again, but it also helps keep the anticipation very nice.
 
Don't know why I'm still here, but here I am. Djinn is no longer worried about Mal/I because it "doesn't exist". Not sure if that is that the relationship doesn't exist (in her mind, which would be bad) or the anxiety doesn't exist (which would be good). Can't tell. And she is so one-track right now about her busy season that talking to her about anything that isn't work is a no-go.

Mal and I are still good. I feel loved and supported by him, and vice versa, but the Djinn situation makes me uneasy. He's gun shy to bring it up with her, and so am I, but if she thinks that our relationship "doesn't exist".... then I feel like I am being unethical - even though I've never been anything but honest with her about my feelings, and so has he. I don't think we've been misleading, but she has incorrectly assumed a lot though. Can't figure out if it has become a DADT kind of situation, or something less ethical than that. What ever it is it makes me nervous.
 
A2Poly said:
Don't know why I'm still here, but here I am. Djinn is no longer worried about Mal/I because it "doesn't exist". Not sure if that is that the relationship doesn't exist (in her mind, which would be bad) or the anxiety doesn't exist (which would be good). Can't tell. And she is so one-track right now about her busy season that talking to her about anything that isn't work is a no-go.

Mal and I are still good. I feel loved and supported by him, and vice versa, but the Djinn situation makes me uneasy. He's gun shy to bring it up with her, and so am I, but if she thinks that our relationship "doesn't exist".... then I feel like I am being unethical - even though I've never been anything but honest with her about my feelings, and so has he. I don't think we've been misleading, but she has incorrectly assumed a lot though. Can't figure out if it has become a DADT kind of situation, or something less ethical than that. What ever it is it makes me nervous.
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It sounds like someone needs to start being more direct. In this position I would likely try and tactfully approach her to find out what that "it doesn't exist" mean. It's that kind of vague communication that really messes things up.
 
Really drained today...

Dean made it clear today (if his interaction with me already didnt) that he still wants something more. Trying to be very careful in not leading him on but continuing letting the friendship develop.

My focus right now is developing things with Cuba. I like him a ton.

Zed is encouraging me to give Dean a chance as he doesnt feel my relationship with Cuba should dictate something else I can enjoy closer.

Head spinning. ugh.
 
Sorry that things are tiring for you, bunnielight. :(

I am thrilled about moving in a couple of weeks! It's stressful and exhausting, but I'll be cutting my long distance travel time with Jack in half! It'll be a wonderful step towards moving in together at the end of the year.

I am trying to support Roger throughout all this, seeing as his mostly-in-town relationship with Taylor will be transitioning to long distance for an undetermined length of time (likely a year plus). Roger and I are going to have some interesting hinge work and growth on both our ends to be done in the next year, as we adjust to these changes. It must be really hard on him, even if he knew about this move before they started dating.

It's hard that he and I are not on the same page with our emotions about this move, but I'm dialing down my excitement to him and letting Jack feel the full force. I can't wait to see him more often!!
 
Bunnielight said:
It sounds like someone needs to start being more direct. In this position I would likely try and tactfully approach her to find out what that "it doesn't exist" mean. It's that kind of vague communication that really messes things up.
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You are so right, but in her 'busy season' at work she won't talk about it at all. She is 100% into work stuff and 'barely surviving' other stuff (like parenting). She totally refuses to discuss relationship things right now. I've pretty much decided that it is Mal's problem to deal with. He's the one who lives with her and can pick a 'good time' to discuss it all.
 
Feeling good today! My meds are finally at the right level and I'm past all the 'acclimatization' days. AND Djinn invited me to their house for 2 weeks this summer. One while she is home, and one while she is away for work! It was looking for a while there like I wouldn't get to see Mal or The Kids before Christmas, but now I get oooooddddles of time with them :)

AND because we'll have our share of down time I'll be able to pin her down and talk about her anxiety over Mal/my relationship and see if we can work some of that out. I'm not going anywhere unless HE wants me too, so she can either realize I'm not a threat, or we can work out some communication strategies so that she can tell me she is feeling anxious without us making each other's anxiety worse.
 
While I remain solidly in the same open/poly dyad, and rarely so much as have a "date" outside it, my poly life is seriously beginning to unfold ... into a world of fiction -- lol. I've decided to go ahead and provide a flexible plot for a novel with a strong polyamory aspect. One of the two main characters is in a MMF poly family. The other is in a sexually open but emotionally closed couple relationship -- "emotional monogamy"*. They become friends ... and eventually fall in love, which disrupts the lives of all, to varying extents.

Hey, if you can't live it, why not imagine it?! ;)

I now have the bare beginnings of a fiction writing group getting started. I've been involved in non-fiction and poetry writing groups before, so I decided to create this group (or rather, invite folks into it)... to learn the art of fiction writing in group. There was no such group I could find in my town, surprisingly, at least not the kind of group I want and need (no fees, no higherarchical leadership, it's okay to critique one another's work...).

I'm in the "shooting baskets" phase of my fiction writing experience. That is, if the analogy is basketball, I'm just learning, through repetition, how to get more shots to go in the hoop. I'm not ready to get out and play an actual game yet. I'm just learning the basic skills, slowly.... But my characters are coming alive in my heart, and I'm slowly getting to know them as well. :p

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*The phrase "emotional monogamy" is in common use, and refers to a dynamic sometimes also called "emotional fidelity".

EMOTIONAL FIDELITY: A belief or practice that emotional intimacy or love must be kept exclusive to a particular relationship, though sexual activity or other forms of physical intimacy may occur outside that relationship. Commentary: Some swingers practice emotional fidelity.
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from - http://www.morethantwo.com/polyglossary.html
 
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River said:
While I remain solidly in the same open/poly dyad, and rarely so much as have a "date" outside it, my poly life is seriously beginning to unfold ... into a world of fiction -- lol. I've decided to go ahead and provide a flexible plot for a novel with a strong polyamory aspect. One of the two main characters is in a MMF poly family. The other is in a sexually open but emotionally closed couple relationship -- "emotional monogamy"*. They become friends ... and eventually fall in love, which disrupts the lives of all, to varying extents.

Hey, if you can't live it, why not imagine it?! ;)

I now have the bare beginnings of a fiction writing group getting started. I've been involved in non-fiction and poetry writing groups before, so I decided to create this group (or rather, invite folks into it)... to learn the art of fiction writing in group. There was no such group I could find in my town, surprisingly, at least not the kind of group I want and need (no fees, no higherarchical leadership, it's okay to critique one another's work...).

I'm in the "shooting baskets" phase of my fiction writing experience. That is, if the analogy is basketball, I'm just learning, through repetition, how to get more shots to go in the hoop. I'm not ready to get out and play an actual game yet. I'm just learning the basic skills, slowly.... But my characters are coming alive in my heart, and I'm slowly getting to know them as well. :p

_________________________________

*The phrase "emotional monogamy" is in common use, and refers to a dynamic sometimes also called "emotional fidelity".



from - http://www.morethantwo.com/polyglossary.html
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Hey, I would read it. :)
 
I'm doing....quite well. Eerily well. Scary well.

My life has become quite interesting lately.

Going to see Cuba Thursday. Zed is doing his show and meeting Pixie and I there with two other comics that we got on the bill for him. ^_^ It's going to be quite a night and I will likely end up going home with Cuba. ;)

Dean and I made up. We are in the process of getting back together. It's hard to get the alone time we need with his poly situation, but I'm really in no rush. Trying to keep physicality on the low end, though the kissing has already begun.

I just couldn't help myself anymore. We didnt get very far along before and it's been 5 months since we both acknowledged wanting that.

Their first concert with Zed in the band is next Friday. Seeing as Dean and I will likely be "officially" back together at that point, he let me know that I will be the accosted during the show. And who the fuck else knows what may happen that night.

The next couple weeks of my life are going to be intense....

In the mean time I need to FOCUSSSSSS.
 
The guy I met at a wedding last weekend has been texting me every. damn. day. Ugh. I had to tell him to stop that.

I just do not have it in me to have daily conversations with someone, especially since we only danced together for a few songs, shared a few chaste kisses (no tongue), and then he went home to a different state. He wants to come back up to NYC to see me later this summer, and I'm cool with that, showing him the city, etc. However, we don't really even know each other and if every single day I am answering questions like "How are you? Did you have a good day? Was it busy at work? What are you having for dinner?" and so on, I will go insane! I told him last night that I don't need daily contact, and that if that's what he is expecting, it will feel like pressure to me and I will eventually not want to communicate back. I asked him if we could just keep things casual, and it took him a few minutes to respond but then he said that works for him and he was fine with that (this was all in text messages). Then we said good-night.

I felt like I had been as direct as I could have been, and now I could look forward to a Friday that would be free of any obligatory text messaging. Well then. Friday afternoon, he texts me again to ask if he "said something wrong" yesterday. Arrggghhh. He is very needy, obviously, and I think he's really lonely. I explained myself again, he thanked me, I told him not to worry, and we both wished each other a happy holiday weekend. Let's hope his being okay with what I said actually sticks this time. <sigh>
 
nycindie said:
The guy I met at a wedding last weekend has been texting me every. damn. day. Ugh. I had to tell him to stop that.

I just do not have it in me to have daily conversations with someone, especially since we only danced together for a few songs, shared a few chaste kisses (no tongue), and then he went home to a different state. He wants to come back up to NYC to see me later this summer, and I'm cool with that, showing him the city, etc. However, we don't really even know each other and if every single day I am answering questions like "How are you? Did you have a good day? Was it busy at work? What are you having for dinner?" and so on, I will go insane! I told him last night that I don't need daily contact, and that if that's what he is expecting, it will feel like pressure to me and I will eventually not want to communicate back. I asked him if we could just keep things casual, and it took him a few minutes to respond but then he said that works for him and he was fine with that (this was all in text messages). Then we said good-night.

I felt like I had been as direct as I could have been, and now I could look forward to a Friday that would be free of any obligatory text messaging. Well then. Friday afternoon, he texts me again to ask if he "said something wrong" yesterday. Arrggghhh. He is very needy, obviously, and I think he's really lonely. I explained myself again, he thanked me, I told him not to worry, and we both wished each other a happy holiday weekend. Let's hope his being okay with what I said actually sticks this time. <sigh>
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That sounds quite annoying for someone that doesn't know you that well.
 
I'm feeling pretty fucking incredible.

Spent Thursday night with Cuba. Got to feel out our public dynamic a little bit, which came super naturally. He fell right into boyfriend mode perfectly without me even asking any questions. We ended up sleeping together for the first time and it was fabulous.

I'm supposed to have a date with Dean tomorrow when I get back into town. Finally. Really looking forward to that as I feel like my infatuation with Cuba has subsided after this weekend. I feel I can see my feelings for Dean more clearly now that I better understand my dynamic with Cuba. I'm really glad about that. Mainly because Pixie has communicated to me a lot lately about Deans anxiety and fear of my relationship with Cuba.

I anticipate that our date tomorrow will make him feel better.
 
Bunnielight said:
. . . Pixie has communicated to me a lot lately about Deans anxiety and fear of my relationship with Cuba.
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Red flag!!! Why should he be anxious and fearful about another relationship of yours? He is blaming his feelings on something that has nothing to do with him! You have every right to have as much love and loving relationships in your life as you want. And why is she telling you about it? That is not nice of her and seems manipulative.

Be careful - it's not your job to alleviate his anxiety and fear, nor to prop him up; it's his job to deal with his own insecurities and you do not owe him anything. Watch out for any kind of guilt-tripping, manipulation, or pressure from him. I'm not saying he'd do it consciously, but he does seem like he needs to get a grip. Ugh, I'd be vigilant in maintaining my personal boundaries if I were you.
 
I'm feeling pretty amazing right now.
I joined here just a few days ago as I was beginning to feel a real need to express myself again, and then last night hubby himself dived right into the poly conversation with barely a nudge (and he won't know I'm on this forum) - it's a type of telepathy :) (and we're LDR right now).
We were just talking (well, sms-ing on Skype) about cool things to do - go to the cricket, the opera, camping. So I threw a swingers club into the mix, mostly in jest as I can't stand the places generally. But he dived right in, saying he'd be curious to see one, but moreover just recently he's been actually been thinking about that in a more 'personal' capacity (not a club), and to top it off and he's getting far more open to a mmf encounter.
So we talked about that, and about spending time with another couple, and about how neither of us wanted time share or live-in with another permanently but would enjoy a long weekend or even a week "on holiday" with someone or another couple. So I encouraged him to start making and fostering contacts. Both of us would actually rather go back to our own "little black books" than meet new people. Good thing they're both quite full lol.

Honestly, I joined here because of a type of NRE that I couldn't express anywhere else. And I haven't here either before now. But a few weeks ago I reconnected with someone I knew only briefly. Like, for about 6 hours lol. But it was a real connection then, and it's alive now. I've seen him twice, once for a beer, once for a drive for a few hours. No intimacy, but I'm hoping there may be a chance in the future. He has a particular skill that I'd love if he could teach my husband... ;)
 
Things are good, and bad and up down and all around lol I feel like I'm feeling every emotion out there, in waves. No one explained this part, but then again, does it need explaining? People work through things in their own time.
 
nycindie said:
Red flag!!! Why should he be anxious and fearful about another relationship of yours? He is blaming his feelings on something that has nothing to do with him! You have every right to have as much love and loving relationships in your life as you want. And why is she telling you about it? That is not nice of her and seems manipulative.

Be careful - it's not your job to alleviate his anxiety and fear, nor to prop him up; it's his job to deal with his own insecurities and you do not owe him anything. Watch out for any kind of guilt-tripping, manipulation, or pressure from him. I'm not saying he'd do it consciously, but he does seem like he needs to get a grip. Ugh, I'd be vigilant in maintaining my personal boundaries if I were you.
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Pixie was discussing these things more out of concern for Dean. She and I are very close and she knows that I care deeply for him and want to know what's going on. She knows he won't come to me with these anxieties for the exact reasons you mentioned: they are his to work through.

When I confronted him about this he was very vague and seemed to have already gotten past whatever anxieties he was feeling. I brought it up again on our date on Sunday and it seems like something that he is easier able to work through than what is assumed. He told me he feels like they may be a little too sensitive about his anxiety. When Cuba was mentioned, he told me he actually thought we had already slept together because of the nature of our relationship and it really doesn't bother him so long as Cuba is okay.

And Cuba's concern is for Dean because they have never met before (Cuba is very close with Zed so he is aware of his comfort).

I am really not worried about manipulation from Pixie as it seems she mainly comes to me when she wants to share what's going on. We really just all care about each other and want to share even the struggles.
 
not keeping score

One of my dear friends/lovers reminded me today that our friendship needs nothing but our love.

I have cried on his shoulder, well from a distance, a little over the last month over something non-poly related. Today I reached out again asking for a reply to an email I'd sent him last week. I then attempted to give the offer of reciprocity, being there for him if/when he needs. He didn't reject that, he just reminded me that our love and friendship is enough. Absolutely, totally enough.

Evie
 
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