Just wanting to do whats best but not sure what that is

R

roslin

New member
So me and my fiancé are very new to polyamory and I wasn’t really looking for new partners but I met an amazing guy who is also poly and has a wonderful girlfriend that is happy for both of us. Unfortunately although my fiancé has been very gung ho about being poly (he’s the one that originally did all the research and suggested that it would be right for us) being faced with the real thing has brought up a lot of issues. He has been feeling very insecure and jealous about it and is very worried that I will leave him. I have been trying to be very understanding of this, and the other guy has been very understanding as well, and I have been keeping things as just friends for now so that my fiancé feels more comfortable. He is trying to work on feeling better about everything and ok with me having another relationship but it’s still very hard to talk about with him. So I barely ever see my friend in person but we still text often and we have realized that we love each other.

How do you balance things in these situations though? When you want so badly to be with them both but have to wait so that your not hurting your partner? I love them both and just want to do what’s best for everyone, and the second guy has been very understanding of all this and is willing to be patient and wait and hope that we can be together eventually. I just find it hard to consider him just friends and keep things from moving forward when I love him and want to be with him so bad, but that’s what I have been trying to do so that my fiancé can feel more secure and ok with everything. I just don’t completely know if I’m going about this the right way.
 
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roslin said:
the second guy has been very understanding of all this and is willing to be patient and wait and hope that we can be together eventually. I just find it hard to consider him just friends and keep things from moving forward when I love him and want to be with him so bad, but that’s what I have been trying to do so that my fiancé can feel more secure and ok with everything.
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As the second woman, in this case, I can say that I relate to this. However, please realize that we won't wait around forever :) I internally gave him a year to figure shit out. Because I loved him more than anything. I did want things to resolve between him and his wife, though, so I stepped back. I hope you and your fiance can work this out...my partner and his wife could not.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. Could any of these help?

Esp page 5 and 6 here?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/jealousy-first-aid

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

I suggest you read those and then talk to him and maybe read them together. Talk. Directly and honestly. Don't avoid having hard conversation just because it's hard. Have it anyway.

Galagirl
 
Maybe there needed to be more discussion before actually going ahead with acting on polyamory.

The idea that you will leave him for someone else doesn't make sense if he remembers that poly is about being with more than one, not choosing one over another. If I were you, I'd gently remind him of that.
 
roslin said:
How do you balance things in these situations though? When you want so badly to be with them both but have to wait so that your not hurting your partner?
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Here's the thing about gaining the emotional maturity to handle the challenges that life throws at us, if we aren't forced to handle the situation then growth will be slow (if it occurs at all). That's how growth works, we encounter problems, we experience fear/confusion/frustration, we deal with it and we gain the tools and tricks for dealing with it in the future.

So, if you are shielding him from difficulty then you are simply stunting his emotional growth but confusing it with "helping".

roslin said:
I just don’t completely know if I’m going about this the right way.
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There are really no one-size-fits-all answers, so if I were you I'd sift through the answers you are given here and filter them through your personal experiences to come to the decision that works with you.

My personal opinion is that you need to move on with your life, date both of these men that you love, and be as supportive to them as you can without sacrificing your own well being in the process. I always recommend against playing the martyr because it's not doing anyone any good.
 
Hi roslin,

I suppose my suggestion is to give each step a few months, then tell your fiancé you're going to take the next step. For example, wait a few months before your first kiss with your other guy, then tell your fiancé, "I'm going to kiss the other guy." Wait a few months before saying, "I love you," to the other guy, then tell your fiancé, "I'm going to tell the other guy I love him."

Or if you've already taken one or both of those steps, do it with other steps, such as a first hug or a first passionate kiss or a first fondling ... the point being, your husband gets a couple of months to "recover" from one step before he has to brace himself for another step.

That's the best way I can think of to balance it.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Sorry it took so long to reply, life has been very crazy lately. I really appreciate all the advice and links. I have been talking to my fiancé, I don’t know where we are going from here yet but he still feels like he cannot handle me having a relationship. At one point he said he would step back so we could have a relationship but he thinks he will become obsolete and left behind. I’m trying my best to reassure him. Apparently we really weren’t ready to be poly, I just don’t know how it went from him helping me flirt with people to him hinting that we will end if I start a relationship with someone else. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Going to keep talking to everyone involved and try to find a way through this mess…
 
roslin said:
I’m trying my best to reassure him. Apparently we really weren’t ready to be poly
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I understand that it feels like you are between a rock and a hard place; that would seem to be a reasonable emotional response to your situation. You can capitulate to your spouses insecurities and blow off this whole poly thing, or you can venture forward and see if your husbands ultimatum is legit. Only you can decide which path holds the greater potential flourishing for you.
 
There's no hurry. If you love someone and you're poly then opportunities are not time limited. It's not like they're having to wait around partnerless or can't enjoy a close friendship without sex while things get figured out.

If you're upfront and honest and behave in loving ways you can be a positive part of someone's life even if it takes longer to have sex than you may like.
 
@Confused, great point. I expect that even in the best case scenario it will take a lot of trust and time for a couple to open their relationship to a third person. Patience is key; sex may naturally follow later; but best to let other forms of intimacy to develop without expectation.
 
Besides the links Gala Girl gave, have you and your fiance read Opening Up, or More Than Two?

I agree, there can be a big gulf between approving of poly intellectually, and then the emotional response when one of the newly poly couple actually finds another partner and falls for them.

I think it's similar to being pregnant and reading all the books about labor, and greeting a newborn and falling in love with it. You really can't imagine the huge emotional and physical aspects until you are IN it.

Keep in mind (we see this over and over here), that your fiance now feels jealous now and wants to put on the brakes, but if and when he himself finds a compelling other partner, his attitude will change. It seems hypocritical, but there you go.

Keep negotiating and taking baby steps as Kevin advised, but don't wait forever. Set actual timelines and deadlines for each step you wish to take with your new guy. And then give your Fiance the opportunity to work on his feelings. You needn't play the martyr or wait in forced mono land forever. You deserve to live your life. Your fiance can make his own choices to get on board with being Open, or chicken out, leave you and be single or live monogamously with someone else... but if he really wants to be poly, this is just a normal hurdle he has to get over with time, tools such as books and poly support groups irl or here, and just dealing with his feelings of insecurity when you go on your first few dates with Other Guy. You can be kind and respectful, but you don't need to give up.
 
Hi roslin,

Sorry you have hit another roadblock; I agree with Mags that you do not need to give up on poly, just go into it a little at a time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
@Magdlyn haven’t heard of opening up yet but we have read more than two, my fiancé bought it soon after he started researching poly and read it then passed it off to me to read. And yea I have thought about how it will be when he finds someone, I will probably have issues of my own at that point and will discuss them and hopefully deal with them but that’s a bridge I can’t cross until I get to it.

I decided that I truly want both of them in my life and talked to my fiancé more about how I feel and what I want and while we are taking things slow still I can now say I have a fiancé and a boyfriend. I can still feel how worried my fiancé is when my boyfriend comes up in conversation but he has been making an effort to be ok with the situation. He even asks how things are going for my boyfriend and for our relationship. It feels like a huge positive step and I’m so happy about it! I’m so thankful to my fiancé for putting so much effort into all this even though he’s scared.

Thank you all so much for all the advice. I don’t use forums that often and I know am kinda awkward in them and not good at replying quickly but I’m amazed at how helpful everyone has been here. I really appreciate all the friendly and helpful advice.
 
Thanks for your update; I'm glad your fiancé is working on his end of it.
 
So things ended up getting worse between me and my fiancé and I finally realized we were dragging each other down. Constant fighting and controlling behavior and trust issues, there was a lot to it. I ended up having my last straw and moved into my own apartment this weekend. I expected a lot of drama and hate but everyone has been very supportive of both of us and it was the wake up call he needed. He is finally looking at himself and realizing what was wrong. He even started talking to my boyfriend, and he’s looking at dating women again. We have been able to talk more openly and honestly than we have in the last couple years and it looks like we will still be able to be friends and hang out. For now I need to start working on myself and finding out who I want to be and where I want to go with my life. It has been a crazy rocky ride to this point but it ended up in a better place even though I was terrified I was ruining everything by ending a toxic and bad situation.
 
I'm glad you were able to get out of an unhealthy situation and find yourself in a place where you can build a more positive life for yourself. Good luck!
 
It has been a crazy rocky ride to this point but it ended up in a better place even though I was terrified I was ruining everything by ending a toxic and bad situation.
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I am glad things are better for you now that you broke up and moved out.

Removing yourself from a bad/toxic situation and ending things does not "ruin" your life. It improves it. If you ever encounter that experience again, I hope you are more confident about letting it end. You did the right thing here.

Now on to the future! This sounds like a good plan:

I need to start working on myself and finding out who I want to be and where I want to go with my life
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GL!
Galagirl
 
Hi roslin,

Sounds like you had to make some difficult decisions but it was for the best. Thanks for keeping us updated. I wish you the best as you move ahead into the future.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It’s been really difficult honestly. I just feel so completely alone. He had everyone in his life rally around him and send him love and call and text and someone’s staying with him so he’s not lonely. He keeps going on about how cold and lonely it is in the big comfy bed we bought together. I’m all alone in this little apartment, I only took what was 100% mine (which mostly is stuff that’s been packed up for 4 years since I moved in with him) I was sleeping on a camp cot, now I have a mattress but its old and gross and smells bad and my fridge barely has anything in it. I have been trying to reach out but it hasn’t been the most successful, I have one long distance friend that’s been texting me some but for the most part everyone’s ignoring me. I feel I’m the one that left and therefore probably deserve to be this miserable but it’s really painful and I just find myself once again wishing I had more people I was close to. My boyfriend has been trying to be there for me some but he is busy with his own stuff right now. My ex apparently realized all sorts of stuff this weekend and is working on being better and talking about dating a girl long distance and being poly with her and he met with my boyfriend to talk and the list goes on and on and he wants me back but I hurt too much and he doesn’t understand how much all of this hurt me. And honestly I find myself angry at how much he has changed now. It was getting Bad between us. Yelling and fighting and walking on eggshells and not communicating. And now that I finally made the hard decision and left to try and better myself somehow he’s the one that has people again and is doing better and I’m all alone and yesterday I cracked a bit and lashed out at him and just went off about stuff and then got really upset and irrational. I need to find a therapist for myself soon I know this. I’m depressed and I think in the more serious maybe needing medication way. My mind is a dark lonely irrational terrifying place right now and I don’t like it.
 
I feel I’m the one that left and therefore probably deserve to be this miserable but it’s really painful and I just find myself once again wishing I had more people I was close to.

You do not "deserve" to be miserable. You simply are uncomfortable right now -- which sounds about right for a big change. You are still in transition and adjusting.

It sounds like you allowed yourself to get very isolated while with him. No social network of your own. And the break up is bringing that into the light.

Do find a therapist. Do stop talking to him so much. He showed you his true colors -- whether or not these other people know it or not, YOU know you cannot be around all the fighting and walking on eggshells and so on.

I don't know if this graphic about the stages of emotional change helps you any -- but hold on. In time hopefully you will feel some relief. It's early days yet. I have faith that you can get through this.

http://www.eoslifework.co.uk/Images/fut1.gif

Galagirl
 
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