Need advice/thoughts

N

Nyxx

New member
My partner Rob and I have been together for six years, when we started out we both agreed that we wanted to keep things open. Over the years he has had two other partners and we've never had any major issues. We all got along great. I hadn't bothered to flex my side of things, due to time constraint and life in general.

Recently though, I've developed a connection with another guy who I would like to explore things with. I talked to Rob about the possibility last week and that night he seemed fine. He agreed to meet the guy and didn't show any concern or upset at all.
The next day though, he became really clingy which wasn't a negative in its self, until it started presenting any time that I would pick up the phone to text or check messages.

I figured that he was just a little insecure and made it a point to give him a ton of attention and affection, not that we weren't already affectionate, just added extra to see if it helped. A couple days later we were cuddling, watching a movie and Rob just started crying. Like out of the blue.
I got him talking and he revealed that the idea of me with anyone else was upsetting to him. The exact opposite of what he had been telling me for our entire relationship. I understand that theory and practice are different and feelings you didn't expect can pop up. I asked if it was something he thinks he can work through and he says that he wants to try to but only so he "doesn't fail me".
He kinda insinuated that he would be miserable the whole time and just trying to force himself to change to make me happy. Later mentioning that he was giving up looking for new partners because his last alternate relationship hurt too much when she had to move. The first he ever mentioned not wanting to try again...Since that talk hes been quiet and depressed and making a point of showing it while talking about being sorry that his emotions hurt me.

I obviously don't want Rob hurt or him hurting himself to please me, but honestly don't know what to think. I'm stuck between "it was okay for him but not for me then? wth! " and feeling like a terrible, heart stabbing, monster. I don't know if he's actually willing to work through anything or trying to guilt me into monogamy instead of just saying its what he needs.

I had grown pretty attached to the other guy and got my hopes up. Now I have no clue if i should break it off before we go deeper or keep trying and naively hope that we can make it all work. While being caught in this storm i feel the need to ask for a clear headed view on things. Help?
 
I'll start out by saying that your experience in polyamory is vastly greater than mine, I'm quite new to the game myself, so please do take all my words with a rather large "grain of salt" - but I felt all the same that I could at least speak to one or two aspects of your post.

I, too, experienced this same thing from your partners perspective recently. I'm trying polyamory for the first time, and I knew I would be encountering eventually that inevitable moment when I hear the news that my partner was interested in/sexually involved with someone else - I spent a great deal of time mentally preparing myself for the situation before it occurred, and in truth I completely believed I was ready, but I was not. In fact, the event sent me into a horrible place of intense emotional darkness for a good 24 hours or so which completely caught me by surprise. So, in other words, I can vouch for the idea that particularly in this case, for some people, theory can be a massive distance from practice, and the person holding these emotions can be entirely unaware of this.

Outside of that, at least in my opinion - the key to this you said yourself with "I don't know if he's actually willing to work through anything or trying to guilt me into monogamy instead of just saying its what he needs." I see the first step as him ascertaining what he actually wants - if it's worth it for him to try and work through the jealousy, or if he needs to back out and pursue monogamous relationships. From what you said, he sounds very conflicted to me, and he may be even having a hard time understanding what he wants himself at this point.

My course of action, if I were you, would be to try to create environments where he feels safe expressing his emotions and thoughts to you about the situation. I think the more he talks about things and is able to feel safe exploring himself and his honest desires, the closer he'll get to finding his own answers, and from there you'll be better equipped to choose how you want to respond to the situation.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I asked if it was something he thinks he can work through and he says that he wants to try to but only so he "doesn't fail me".
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For you? Or he's only making a half hearted attempt just to avoid a break up?

Either way... that does not sound like "joyous yes" to me. So take it as a "No." He's not going to work through it. And go from there.

You could ask -- "Do you prefer to Close?" and see what he says.

I had grown pretty attached to the other guy and got my hopes up. Now I have no clue if i should break it off before we go deeper or keep trying and naively hope that we can make it all work. While being caught in this storm i feel the need to ask for a clear headed view on things. Help?
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If not dating helps you be more clear headed -- then pause the relationship with the new guy and sort this out.

You sound like you want Open. If your BF wants Closed and is not being assertive about stating his preference clearly -- ask clarifying questions. If he's doing a song and dance to avoid answering... that answers you. Not as good as a direct clear response, but it certainly is not "joyous yes." And anything less than a joyous yes could count as a "working no." Just to make it easier to be decisive. Then you could chose if you want to Close and give up the new guy entirely, or if you want Open and give up the BF.

It's not fun right now. But sort this out.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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I agree with GG, and also wanted to add if he's doing emotionally manipulative things - guilt-tripping you, saying he's "forcing himself to change" to make you happy - I'd seriously considering breaking it off.

Does he guilt trip you about other problems? Has that kind of behavior happened before.

Also, about him "forcing himself to change"...I'd like to revisit that with him. It implies that - this whole time - he KNEW he wouldn't be happy with you seeing other people. I mean, if you were open the whole time, then in theory, he was OK with it, and he didn't realize until it was happening in practice that he wasn't OK with it.

Those are two very different things. So which is it?

No matter what, it's going to take some very open, painful talking. I think you might need to take it slow, but no matter how painful it is, it's really helpful to state your needs clearly and in unambiguous language. Sometimes, I find it helpful to start a conversation by emailing back and forth a time or two. Each person can read the other person's words, mull them over carefully, and give a full response back. Once you've each written out where you are, it can be easier to sit down then, with that, as frequently, in talks like this, things can get derailed, or someone can forget a really important point while they're waiting to talk.

Another thing I like (if emailing doesn't work), is if each person sits with a pad and paper, and takes notes while the other is talking. You want to be fully listening, and you may need to ask the talking partner to pause, or repeat him/herself, but the point is to both fully engage in listening, and fully record any important responses that come up you while the other person is talking.

Best of luck to you in this. I'm sure it's really hard. If poly is something that means a lot to you, you should be able to pursue it - just maybe not with Rob.
 
Thanks!

I appreciate the thought out responses, and having a view into the other side of things really helps. I know that we have a lot of work to do and a hard time ahead either way. Rob has just a tiny bit of a problem with passive aggressive stuff and actively runs from confrontation, so I can't rule out manipulation but at the same time, even if it is, his hurt is still valid.

This is the first time in six years that I've felt the need to flex my side of the open thing, so I'm more inclined to close than to end things if it comes to that. Thanks all!
 
Nyxx said:
I appreciate the thought out responses, and having a view into the other side of things really helps. I know that we have a lot of work to do and a hard time ahead either way. Rob has just a tiny bit of a problem with passive aggressive stuff and actively runs from confrontation, so I can't rule out manipulation but at the same time, even if it is, his hurt is still valid.

This is the first time in six years that I've felt the need to flex my side of the open thing, so I'm more inclined to close than to end things if it comes to that. Thanks all!
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That's how I felt, my husband had a could dozen lovers while I had none for years then the second I met someone I wanted a relationship with our marriage turned to shit. I almost gave up trying to be in poly relationship because of it
 
Well, if you'd rather close the relationship than upset him, then it seems that what he's doing is working - he will have his woman under his control and be able to avoid uncomfortable feelings. How lucky for him!

It isn't your job to manage his inner emotional life for him by squelching your own desires and needs. He needs to step up and own his shit! By caving, you'd actually be depriving him of an opportunity for personal growth.
 
If you close to make him happy, what happens if/when he meets someone again that he likes?

If that's what you decide, I think that needs to be spelled out very clearly. Because if you want to be open on both sides, then it needs to actually be open on both sides.
 
Rob has just a tiny bit of a problem with passive aggressive stuff and actively runs from confrontation, so I can't rule out manipulation but at the same time, even if it is, his hurt is still valid.
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  • passive agressive
  • conflict avoidant
  • manipulative

Honestly, all that sounds like a pain. Also not esp healthy. :(

You sound like you want to exercise the current agreement (which is Open on both sides) and go date New Guy.

I think you could pause to make sure Rob knows you are sticking to current agreements, give a heads up that you have a potential, and then just date New Guy and let it work out how it does.

Closing to avoid Rob having a cow? Why'd he agree in the first place then? He could not make agreements he is not willing to do.

Was it that he wanted "Open for me, but not for you" but whitewashed it with "Open on both sides" thinking it would never come to pass on your end? And now his dishonesty is biting him in the butt and he's gone all "woe is me?"

Baffling. :confused:

Galagirl
 
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Gosh, GG, I love you, but calm down! (Oops, you edited while I was posting!)

It's always different to date oneself, and then have to get used to your partner's dating. It's only been a week here.

The internet advice nannies are always so quick to say DTMFA.

Give him a chance to deal with it. Sure, he might be trying to guilt trip her some. He's experiencing unexpected pain.

It can pass! If he takes responsibility and also if the OP takes it slow in how she dates. And there can be guidelines and baby steps to acclimate him to sharing her.

He might turn his jealousies into compersion over the next few months... I don't think she should stop seeing other guy. He needs to find his inner resources and face his fears of loss and competition.

Now, I am fine with my gf dating, it is actually fun for me to see her joy, and to help when she is disappointed, but my ex bf! NO! but that is because of HOW he was dating, all the drama, and his neglect of me, and using me to like, drive him to a date for us, and then she is there, and he ignores me to focus on her. All kinds of flaunting of her in my face, triangulating us. And then the drama of their relationship, which was rocky, because her husband was also jealous, but also fucking my bf, making him morose with me one day, and ecstatic about her (and him) the next, and mocking me for not understanding his rollercoaster. Etc. It was gross.

So, if the OP dates responsibly, and the bf is willing to not be a hypocrite, this can work. It's only been a week.
 
The passive aggressive, conflict avoidance, and manipulation stuff in the mix is a total turn off to me. But it isn't me in this.

I think Nyxx could tell Rob she plans to date the new guy and that she plans to stick to their current agreements.

If Rob wants changes to the agreements, he could speak up directly and ask for them. She sounds like she'd like the clarity.

Galagirl
 
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Nyxx said:
While being caught in this storm i feel the need to ask for a clear headed view on things. Help?
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Nyxx, you need to have the clear head, not ask for anyone else to be the stabilizing factor. People are not robots and checklists - sometimes they pout and get pissy, especially when things are new. Call it messy or manipulative or anything you like, but sometimes people show unpleasant behavior because they are knocked off their game. So what? To have the life you want, you need to be the stable one, not negotiate for your partner to "get over it" or "stabilize" or whatever other terms mean that your stability is dependent on his. Take a compassionate view and let him feel pouty sometimes. Have confidence that he is able to work on his own emotional development. He may very well go back and forth, feeling OK then feeling weird - that's human - but you don't need to get swept into his inner work. You also don't need to draw lines in the sand and accuse him of manipulation or in any way get into his head. Whether he is "conflict avoiding" is really not for you or anyone to say. His inner work is his inner work and yours is yours. The more clear headed you are, the better this will be for you both, and you don't need him to change in order for things to get better.
 
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Nyxx, I just re-read your quote today and realize that you might have been asking us to help you get a clear head, not asking him to get a clear head. In which case, just take my post above as free general advice, worth the paper it's printed upon. If you already have all of this in your tool box, I wish you well on your way.
 
Hi Nyxx,

If I were you I think I would keep on seeing the new guy, just take it slow so that Rob has some time to work on his insecure feelings. It must be hard to see Rob in pain, but give him a chance to power through it and grow. You can revisit things after awhile if he doesn't make any progress.

Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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