Is polyamorism in men correlated with sex drive?

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Lysander

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Is polyamorism in men correlated with sex drive?

Is there any research that addresses this question?

If not, perhaps we could conduct some here. If you are a man, or know men well enough, then state which of the following is true:

  1. Ideally I would like to have sex multiple times per week daily, and I am polyamorous.
  2. Ideally I would like to have sex multiple times per week daily, and I am monoamorous.
  3. Ideally I would like to have sex once weekly or less less than daily, and I am polyamorous.
  4. Ideally I would like to have sex once weekly or less less than daily, and I am monoamorous.

I'd make this a poll, but presumably there are a lot of people here who can provide more than one sample.
 
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Lysander said:
Is polyamorism in men correlated with sex drive?

Is there any research that addresses this question?

If not, perhaps we could conduct some here. If you are a man, or know men well enough, then state which of the following is true:

  1. Ideally I would like to have sex multiple times per week, and I am polyamorous.
  2. Ideally I would like to have sex multiple times per week, and I am monoamorous.
  3. Ideally I would like to have sex once weekly or less, and I am polyamorous.
  4. Ideally I would like to have sex once weekly or less, and I am monoamorous.

I'd make this a poll, but presumably there are a lot of people here who can provide more than one sample.
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I don't know if it's correlated or not though it does seem like posters on this forum have sex more frequently than the average. But, then, ime, the more you have it, the more you want it. My partner, Blue (m40s, hetero poly) & I have discussed this. His ideal is sex at least daily.
 
Ask the other way round. Are monogamous men automatically more sexually uninterested? I have two men more or less monogamous (for sure monoamorous in one case) at home and they could identify as your category 'multiple times per week'. I think that's up to the individual person and does not correlate with a relationship orientation.
 
In my personal, anecdotal experience, it's more associated with higher libido in women than men. However, this board is likely populated with people who have more sex and/or more partners than is common in the 'mainstream' (however, one defines that). I started a thread about folks perceptions of their 'number' - the number of sexual partners they have had which you might find interesting to read.

But poly is not automatically connected to sex. There are poly people who have multiple romantic relationships who are asexual, or have lower libidos or who focus on non-sexual kinks. So while sex is an important part of poly for perhaps the majority of folks who identify as poly in some way, (it is a critical aspect of it for me), poly itself does not need sex as a foundational element. (Now I suspect the same cannot be said for open relationships which often are more focused on sex rather than types of intimate relationships.)

The other thing that can be not obvious to folks new to the idea is that poly did not evolve out of traditional polygamy (one man, many women, the women don't have sex with each other or anyone else, often with fundamentalist or other religious structures). It grew out of the feminist movement with contributions from LBGT, pagan, civil rights and sexual liberation movements thrown in. Poly, as a movement, has been led by women and emphasizes women's sexual agency, sexual choices and sexual pleasure. Popular media often miss this aspect of polyamory in their rush to focus on triads or more couple focused poly. Polyamory at its best helps empower women to explore their sexuality and drive for intimacy (whether that is romantic or another type of intimacy). (It does the same for men too, I believe, but the path, and issues encountered, seem to be different.) So while it might seem initially obvious that poly would benefit men more, the reality is way more complicated.
 
Interesting observations.

Perhaps I need to recalibrate the question for this audience? (I was certainly surprised when I learned that there are men who don't want sex daily, or at least multiple times per week!) Maybe the variable should be "daily" vs "less than daily?"
 
My husband isn't poly but he's non monogamous and enjoys flirting and having sex with new partners. We have sex almost daily but he still has sex with others. He use to have 5 regular fuck buddies but right now he only has one that he sees on a biweekly basis.

He didn't have a lot of casual sex when he was single because he didn't want to hurt someone by having sex with someone he wasn't willing to be in a relationship with. Now that he's married he feels that that expectation isn't there so he can just have fun with people. He never tells people that he is poly because he doesn't identify as that, he lets everyone know that he's in an open marriage
 
For the record: I do, and not just one :)
 
My husbands are both monogamous. One is happy having sex once a week, and only very rarely does he indulge me more than that. The other is good 2, maybe 3 times a week. Both are around 40 years old. I, however, would be happy having sex at least twice a day.
 
I was thinking about asking a similar question of women. Do you think it could be formulated the same way and with the same parameters?
 
Lysander said:
I was thinking about asking a similar question of women. Do you think it could be formulated the same way and with the same parameters?
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Whatever you do, you're going to get a very unscientific result on an internet forum of self-selected polyamorists.
 
I basically have sex once a week (sometimes less) and that is plenty for me. I identify as poly even though I only (currently) have one romantic/sexual partner.

That's my response to the "poll."
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I will re-answer then: I am poly and do not want sex daily. Short period of time maybe but not regular basis. My men are mono and would say the same :)

You have to tell us what kind of result you got from that and how the conversation with your wife was influenced by it ^.^
 
I am poly in three sexual relationships with three different men.
I am sexual fwb with one poly man(Irishcoffee) , and dating a second poly man, (trip), and dating a mono man, (Rocky).
Trip could have sex daily.we haven't had sex yet though so jury out on actual quantity, and I don't know how often he does it with other people.
Irishcoffee about once a day, he is mostly sexual with his girlfriend, and sometimes sexual with me.
And Rocky, realistically once or twice a week although he says daily (this hasn't been true in the last year and half lol).
I could easily have sex twice a day. It isn't available that much to me hence three sexual partners.

I have a massive libido and don't often meet men with my drive. I wish I had the same drive for making money. Lol.
 
FallenAngelina said:
I don't know a man of any stripe who would not answer yes to this.
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I know two...Hubby doesn't always remember that sex exists and can cheerfully go a month or longer without it. S2 hasnt had sex in two months, still doesn't want to, and has had longer sexless stretches in the past.

Hubby is monogamous. S2 doesn't know what he is. And I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm probably demisexual as well as poly; ideally I would like sex multiple times a week, but only with someone I have a strong emotional connection to. Which pretty much means I'm not having sex right now..
 
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What opalescent said. I was going to post on your other thread about that women have really led the poly movement and, from what I've seen, most major poly organizations and associations have women at the helm.

And my first gut response to your questions was, "but polyamory isn't just about sex." However, it's been my observation over my last five years of coming here and occasionally going to poly meetups in my city, that many polyamorist couples originally sought poly and other forms of non-monogamy as a way to handle mismatched libidos. And what we have mostly seen here in this forum is an abundance of women in male/female relationships who have higher sex drives than their male partners.
 
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I prefer sex daily, sometimes twice. Unfortunately, chafing is an issue for me :/ I answered for my poly bf...daily, preferably 2-3/day. We were in a triad with a poly gf who was content with 1-2 times per week. My ex husband (mono) was content with 1-2/ week but could go months without.
 
I guess I wouldn't say that I have a particularly high sex drive. I can go without for a while. But I really like variety of partners because different people have different personalities and energies, and I like those differences.

Evie
 
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