Understanding

You need to slow this down so everyone involved is comfortable - that also means you! She is not taking your needs into account at all. There is zero reason to involve your children this early. I wouldn't just be worried about them forming attachments, but also to stave off questions. I do not trust your wife to act appropriately in front of them. Unless you are planning to explain her being poly to your children, I wouldn't do this.
 
I agree with everyone else that slower is better. However, practically speaking, we cannot control others, only ourselves. I think figuring out your boundaries and enforcing them is the place to start. So far, you've said no sex in your house, no sleeping in the bed with the other man in your house, and preferably other man stays in a hotel where your wife is free to stay with him. I think that's a great start! Just politely enforce them "no, I am not comfortable with your bf sleeping at our home." If your wife wants to share the hotel expense with the other guy, she can save the money to do so.

On the kids, I'd agree with you that they're unlikely to become attached just from a weekend visit; however, as bluebird said, they might ask questions or they might innocently share information with other adults in your life. I'd recommend proceeding carefully in regards to the kids.
 
Forgot to say...once you know your boundaries, you also want to know what you'll do if your wife crosses them. Maybe that's taking the kids to a friend's house for the night, or maybe it's you & kids stay in a hotel?
 
Yes, it is healthy to establish and defend your personal boundaries.

Your wife is being rather selfish and self-centered, and is not taking care to consider you at all. Many couples take a year or longer to discuss poly before actually practicing it. She is expecting you to adjust as if it's nothing, while your head is still spinning.

And how attentive has she been toward you in other ways? At home, sexually, etc.? The person who is the hinge with two relationships has extra responsibilities - they have to make sure neither partner feels neglected, mistreated, or taken for granted. She shouldn't just expect you to shuffle off and let her and her new lover walk all over you.

I think you might want to show her this thread. Could be the wake-up call she needs to see how she has truly affected you and to read the opinions of established poly people who are explaining how she isn't being very ethical nor kind to you.
 
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Reader, I respect your efforts to be okay with this even though your wife isn't being very, well, smart about the whole thing. You should certainly have boundaries and stand by them. Decide with care what would be best for you and the kids.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you everyone. She seems to want to do everything she can to help me for the last couple days. The last couple days have been good but I still worry. How much slower can this go? She has already slept with him.
 
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Speed aside (How much faster can it go?), you just want to figure out what you are and are not okay with at this time. Is there anything that would make you uncomfortable? If yes, then that may tell you where some of your (possibly temporary) boundaries lie.
 
ReaderofThreads said:
Thank you everyone. She seems to want to do everything she can to help me for the last couple days. The last couple days have been good but I still worry. How much slower can this go? She has already slept with him.
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It can go slower. You can request she only text him at certain times of day, not when you two have quality time planned. You can request she sees him only X times a month. You can firmly state he is not allowed in your home or access to your kids.

You can request the kind of care you'd like, your primary love language is what? Touch, gifts, quality/quantity time, acts of service, words of affection?

Also, there's the sexual health question. Make sure he's been tested. Make sure they are using condoms. If either of these common boundaries have been breeched, you will need to get yourself tested and use condoms with her.
 
The last couple days have been difficult. Had a bit of an argument that escalated into a big one two nights ago. Neither of us acted well. I did try to stay calm and stop it a few times but she kept going and then I would respond. It was not a good time.

Then last night I broke a bit. I have PTSD from abuse and rape. I have been doing my best to manage it the last few months but also during those last few months I have been dealing with her and this transition, making this entire thing many times more difficult for me.

The sex stuff with her and him hurts me, not just because of my insecurities, but because it was used to hurt me. I had my consent taken from me and was violated when I was raped which brought with it a bunch of emotional junk. She cheating on me and forcing this guy into my life without my consent also made me feel violated and, while not as traumatic as rape, it was still forced upon me. They hurt me in a way that cut me deeper than most people just so thy could screw around.

When I try telling my wife this she says sorry but she was hurting to. Or any number of things she says to make her feel as if she felt she had to do it. The biggest reason is she felt she had to find herself and who she is and, while doing this, the sex stuff sort of ambushed her. I tell her BS because I saw what was going on with them and told her that she needed to slow it down and promise me to not do anything. She promised right to my face and then, maybe not even an hour later, broke it and betrayed my trust.

I have been through the emotional wringer with this. I have tried my best to be understanding and get it all to work. I don't know how much more I can take. I love her and she tries to show me love, but it comes with a lot of pain. I want this to work. Thank you everyone for your support. I will definitely need to set up some boundaries.
 
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set up some boundaries
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I hope you can, Reader, and follow through with consequences when they are broken. As I am sure they will be. She is emotionally abusing you and sadly, you are taking it, because of your past triggers.

This is NOT polyamory. This is cheating and steamrollering, plain and simple.
 
ReaderofThreads said:
I have been through the emotional wringer with this. I have tried my best to be understanding and get it all to work. I don't know how much more I can take. I love her and she tries to show me love, but it comes with a lot of pain. I want this to work. Thank you everyone for your support. I will definitely need to set up some boundaries.
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Hi, Reader. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time :( If you're not already, it might be helpful for you to attend individual counseling to help you with your PTSD and sort through the issues in your marriage.

As for establishing boundaries, a good place to start may just be not engaging when you don't want to. Like in this case:

ReaderofThreads said:
I did try to stay calm and stop it a few times but she kept going and then I would respond. It was not a good time.
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Maybe say "We're both too emotional and aren't making headway. How about we digest the things we've discussed and reconvene on ____ day." If she persists, politely excuse yourself and walk away. If she follows, maybe lock yourself in another room, or leave the house? Whatever your comfort level is.

I know it's difficult but the more you respect yourself and enforce your boundaries, the easier it gets and the more you'll command respect from others.
 
Sorry to hear about the last few days, Reader. I can see that you are suffering. I know you want to make this work, but you can't do it all by yourself. Your wife has to help too.
 
Last night had a major meltdown and panic attack. I really don't like having PTSD. Wife held me and helped me through it, even when I was not so pleasant. I believe strongly that there is still love from her. If you have never been through what a person with ptsd can dish out when they are having a bad time, it is not at all pleasant. Getting mad and saying mean things. Getting super depressed. Wanting to hurt yourself because you think you somehow deserve it or it will make the pain stop. Crying for very long periods.

She stuck by me through all of it and was patient and understanding, like always. She held me through the depressed times. Helped to keep me rational. Kept my anger down to a manageable level. I don't know how she does it. She is a good person and I do not believe she truly wants to hurt me. It is the NRE coloring some of her judgement. I will continue waiting it out.

I did discuss some boundaries and needs and it went really well. We had a very good time communicating today. There was one rocky patch but we smoothed it out together. Hopefully it will only get better.
 
Been a long while since I have said anything on here. Things have gotten way worse. Have not really felt like talking about any of it. She already tears me down for talking on here about this at all and thinks you all are out to get her. I say it is not like that and even offered to let her read all the posts. It was the same when I started talking to some of our friends about my feelings and what I am going through. She learns what they think about the things she has done and believes they all hate her and think she is such a horrible person. I hate all of this.
 
Heya Reader,

No advice from me, just would love to reach out and give you a virtual hug. It sounds like a massive struggle that's constant at the moment. I'm sorry life is throwing this at you. Sometimes we don't know why we go through the hard stuff at the time, and one day can look back and go "ooohhhh, I get it now". I really hope you and your wife work out what is the best for both of you in a timeframe that means you can move through the pain and into the joy (even little ones) that inevitably follow.

Kia kaha
Evie
 
Hi Reader. I too am very sorry to hear how bad things are. I know how harsh someone with PTSD can be when they are in the grip of their emotional memories and are not really reacting to the real world around them. I also know how it feels to wrestle with NRE which also distorts one's vision of reality. Having those two things collide and with the added challenges of abuse in your backgrounds sounds like torture for you both. I was in a somewhat similar emotional position and it was agony. Would it be possible for you to reach out for support without conveying to her the opinions of the people you communicate with? Is she getting emotional support from her new poly group of friends if she does not trust the friends you have in common? Your wife sounds very defensive and not able to take in what you are trying to communicate. Have you looked into finding a poly friendly counselor to help you talk to each other? Or at least therapist for yourself to support you and help you sort through your feelings and help you learn better how to see and communicate your own boundaries?
 
Hi ReaderofThreads,

I appreciate your new update, and I think you have every right to communicate with the people on this thread. I am sorry to hear that things are going very badly for you. I hope I can help in some small way.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thinking of you and wishing you only the best...
 
Hope things have gotten better for you, Reader.
 
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