New and don't know how to proceed

F

Flh

New member
This is a long story, but I will try to shorten it as much as possible. I recently took a trip out of town by my self, I met a very nice girl who I fell in love with. I am married but we have grown apart lately, well I was texting and talking to this girl on a regular basis, usually while I was out of town but not always, we began talking more and more as thing progressed. We'll eventually my wife found out and things got bad for a while, but things settled down and we began to talk about it, she knew something was up because of the changes in me since returning. I confessed that I loved the other girl. I never stopped loving my wife, it's just things kinda went dry between us. My wife was the one who brought up the idea of us becoming a threesome, I was floored by this, she has never showed any bi sexual tendencies before this, during our talks she confessed that she was falling in love with the other girl as well. The more we talked, the more she seems to want this as much as I, things have never been better between my wife and I. They are both beautiful women inside and out. I just don't know how to broach the subject with the new girl.
I have looked on the web and haven't found much on this at all, I honestly don't know what to search for, I can't even concentrate on anything but this. Has anyone on here been in a similar situation that could offer some advice?
 
Hi Flh,

I haven't been in your situation, but my general inclination is to advise you to keep it simple and straightforward. In other words, tell the new girl that you and your wife are interested in a threesome with her, and ask her if that's something she'd be interested in. Of course, she has every right to say, "No, that does not interest me," and it doesn't mean you did something wrong in your presentation.

I don't know if that helps, but those are my thoughts on the matter.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
TBH? I think it is a bit premature. But... Could be direct and clear about what you are offering her and respect New Girl's response to your offer. She might not be up for it.

You also might want to heal whatever "went dry" between you and wife FIRST before asking. Because when New Girl asks why all this sudden threesome interest, the answer of "Well things went dry between us, I had an emotional affair with you, my wife found out, fell in love with the idea of you too and suggested a threesome. So here I am..." sounds ick.

The new person is not there to be the new distracting shiny to enable you and wife to skip making the repairs required on the (you + wife) layer of things.

Relationship broken/breaking does not equal add more people to the dynamic. YKWIM? And if you guys decide to open the marriage, you may prefer that your wife date her own person rather than overlap with dating the person you date.

Here are lots of "hub" pages where you can find a lot to read.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

https://www.morethantwo.com

https://web.archive.org/web/20140810121940/http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm

I suggest you slow it down and think it through a bit more before asking. And when you do ask, be direct and clear.

Galagirl
 
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I don't think your wife is in love with the new girl. I think she is in love with the new you. It is nice that she is supportive of the relationship. But it is not for you to ask your girlfriend this. If she, over time, is truely interested, she can meet her and ask her herself.
 
It's not entirely clear from your post if your wife has met the new girl. If she's falling in love with her that would generally imply that she has, in which case then it's really up to her to broach the subject herself. If she hasn't then I suspect Norwegianpoly is quite accurate here.

Years ago I fell in love with a married man, and he with me. I also grew to care very much about his wife. Sometimes I look back and think we really should have pursued a triad.

So give her the opportunity to consider it, but really do start by fostering a friendship between wife and new girl if new girl is even keen on that.
 
If a man I was seeing came to me and said "my wife wants us to be a threesome," I'd be insulted. It's no different than if I was seeing a woman and she suddenly told me I was now expected to sleep with her boyfriend. If a woman wants a relationship with me, she needs to get to know me on her own and seduce me with her own energy. I'd be very wary that your wife is just trying to stay as involved as she can in your life, as your wife has never shown bisexual tendencies, it's possible she would just be having sex with your girlfriend for your gratification. Is your girlfriend even bi? Either way, the women would need to create their own dynamic apart from you, and it is not your place to try to orchestrate it.
 
Thanks for all the advice, it all seems relevant, the last comment seems especially so, if there is no dynamic between them it wouldn't be right for anyone. My wife and are going to meet with her, just Dinner or something see how it goes. Just gonna take it slow and if something develops.
 
That sounds good Flh.
 
Is this for real?

You take a trip out of town by yourself, meet a chick you hit it off with, text and talk with her alot after you get back, and suddenly you're in love. Your wife notices, you confess, the two of you go through a rough patch for a bit, and then -- completely out of the blue, wifey is bi, wants a threesome, and is now falling in love with this chick she's never met. WTF???

I'm sorry, but I'm having a hard time believing any of this. It sounds like a very uninformed, ridiculously nonsensical fantasy of what polyamory is, written by someone just to bait us and see what kind of reaction you get. I call bullshit.
 
I am a woman

Hi. As a woman myself, if I were the other girl I would probably be Like WTF if you were to ask me for a threesome. Still Let Her know you Love Her And that you Love your wife. Bring It in as a relationship do not say threesome youll ruin It lol. A relationship sounds more intimate.. And maybe She Will be willing to try.
 
nycindie said:
Is this for real?

You take a trip out of town by yourself, meet a chick you hit it off with, text and talk with her alot after you get back, and suddenly you're in love. Your wife notices, you confess, the two of you go through a rough patch for a bit, and then -- completely out of the blue, wifey is bi, wants a threesome, and is now falling in love with this chick she's never met. WTF???

I'm sorry, but I'm having a hard time believing any of this. It sounds like a very uninformed, ridiculously nonsensical fantasy of what polyamory is, written by someone just to bait us and see what kind of reaction you get. I call bullshit.
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The last time I was on this site was when I read this post calling this bullshit.
In fact none of this was untrue. I didn’t mean to imply that this was was just for a three some. The relationship took some time long distance but she did eventually move in with us. It was not all roses it had it’s up and downs but overall it was a good experience. She stayed with us for about six months but the relationship that I would have liked to have developed never did. I would
have liked her to be a part of a family with the three of us, but she moved out.
We are still friends and we all stay in contact. I’m not looking for anyone else, my relationship with my wife is stronger than before we met her. But I still love her and have some hope that maybe someday it will work out.
To all of those that contributed constructive advice, thank you very much. To the person who called it bullshit, thanks for nothing.
 
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