Girlfriend just announced she is polyamorous.

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es24g13

New member
Hey guys,
I know there are a lot of similar threads to this, and I have read many, but I also wanted to see what people would say about my situation too.

I'm 21 if that is helpful. My girlfriend and me have been going out about two years now (almost exactly). We've sure had difficulty in the past: she broke up with me 5 months in and got with someone else immediately; when we got back together she fooled around with someone else; she slept with a guy she has a great deal of history with whilst we were going out (cheated - year and a half ago); she told me the full story 6 months ago, and then initiated a break, got with a guy; got back with me then got with another guy; then she dumped me.. And then she got back with me again. Yeah putting it all together doesn't sound great, but she makes me so happy despite our previous problems. We put it all behind us in the most recent reunion and things have been great since.

Now she's just said that she's polyamorous. She says she didn't know it when we started but blames all the "trouble" we've had because of it - she says she loved two other people without me knowing it (the guy she slept with being one). Mono is all I've ever known so this is a shock. I'm open to the idea, but it wasn't what I began with, I ask myself if I'd known at the beginning this was the case - would I have gone out with her? Probably not being brutally honest.

She says she wants to respect my side of things ie remain in a monogamous relationship with me knowing this is the case, but I don't know what to say in reply. All the troubles we've had, I'm almost certain after a time she'll want to turn things into a poly-mono relationship, which is not something I'd want. I know many of you will say that I should adapt to her etc. Please feel free to say this, I'd appreciate anything and I will take everything on board. I'm just trying to build up an understanding of polyamory.... I know everyone is different in how they feel so I'd like to capture that in light of my situation maybe.

Thank you all, I'm sorry for the long post.
 
I think you should choose the relationship style that makes you happiest and stick to it. I think she should do the same.

Her previous cheating behavior does not convince me that she will be happy to be "poly in theory and mono in practice".
 
If you are sure (at 21) that you are mono, and do not want a poly partner, stop seeing her and find someone else that is also mono.

It does sound like she is poly. If you really feel happy when she is with you, you could keep seeing her, knowing you are *one* of her loves. There are plenty of mono people on this board in r'ship with poly partners. It takes some work to adapt to this, but it is certainly doable.
 
Sometimes we love people that we are just not compatible with. If you are unwilling to be the mono part of a poly/mono relationship - and that is totally legitimate - then this is not going to work out. It's a hard path - not impossible, but difficult.

Also, it's hard to know at this point if she is poly, or just in the process of figuring out what types of relationships she wants. She could be monogamous but just really bad at it right now. Or she could be poly - and still be bad at that too. The early twenties are a tricky time - both of you are learning so much about yourself right now and it just takes time and experiences to sort this stuff out. That process is lifelong, but the early twenties are often an unusually intense time in learning about relationships.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

TBH? I am not sure why you keeping going back to someone who treats you like that. How she is treating you doesn't sound especially loving to me with the ping pong thing.

I think if she has realized she is poly? Ok. But that doesn't excuse her ethics, her interpersonal relationship skills, or her not taking personal responsibility for her behavior. It's not like poly is "cheat proof." One can be poly and still cheat on agreements with their partners.

It's weird to me that she's trying to "blame it away" on not knowing she was poly. What does the "polyamory word" have to do with it? She sounds like she knew what cheating was. She hid it.

I ask myself if I'd known at the beginning this was the case - would I have gone out with her? Probably not being brutally honest.
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Sounds like you prefer mono. So don't get back together with a poly woman. Dating is to help you find the most compatible. Not every person you date will be a runner. Let those go so you can focus on the ones that do line up with what it is you value.

All the troubles we've had, I'm almost certain after a time she'll want to turn things into a poly-mono relationship, which is not something I'd want.
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I don't blame you for doubting her Word. She cheated and waited a year to tell you. That makes trusting her Word a big problem. Another reason not to get back together romantically.

How many times do you need to try a romance shape together with all this drama before you accept that a romance shape is no good between you guys? :confused: You don't need to keep hopping back on the merry-go-round. It's ok to be done with that scene.

If you still want to remain in contact? There is nothing wrong with each of you moving on to friendship as the most stable relationship shape you can sustain between you. But I don't suggest getting close in a romance again. I think you've been dinged enough.

I know many of you will say that I should adapt to her etc
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No. I am going to say you should do what is best for YOU to remain healthy and maintain your own integrity.

Staying in a wonky cheat-y "romance" merry-go-round thing with her just sounds like it would lead to more wonky later on to me.

You sound like you took her back and are now having reasonable doubts as to actual sustainability. You could end it. Could apologize, and say you didn't think it all the way through. You are not up for it after all.

Galagirl
 
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No one here, poly or mono, is going to tell a mono person "they should just adapt" to a cheating "poly" partner. I don't even know how you got that idea.
 
Thank you for all your replies, it's my first time on this website, so your words are very enlightening indeed. Thank you for your willingness to offer advice and opinions.

I shouldn't have been so absolute when I wrote "Many of you will tell me to adapt etc". It's just in previous conversations I've had with people, they've said I should be the one to change because of the new dynamic to the relationship. I thought I'd preempt that potential response. You all seem a lot more responsive to the situation than those people however..

It's interesting what's been mentioned about how cheating is cheating no matter if in a poly or mono relationship. Perhaps this is something that is misunderstood often in these discussions? Also, is the idea of a completely monogamous relationship with a polyamorous person unlikely in the long term? These are two questions that your replies made me consider.
 
es24g13 said:
Thank you for all your replies, it's my first time on this website, so your words are very enlightening indeed. Thank you for your willingness to offer advice and opinions.

I shouldn't have been so absolute when I wrote "Many of you will tell me to adapt etc". It's just in previous conversations I've had with people, they've said I should be the one to change because of the new dynamic to the relationship. I thought I'd preempt that potential response. You all seem a lot more responsive to the situation than those people however..

It's interesting what's been mentioned about how cheating is cheating no matter if in a poly or mono relationship. Perhaps this is something that is misunderstood often in these discussions? Also, is the idea of a completely monogamous relationship with a polyamorous person unlikely in the long term? These are two questions that your replies made me consider.
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It is entirely possible to cheat in poly or open relationships. Cheating is the breaking of agreements within a sexual, romantic, or emotional context. It's breaking the trust of a partner (or partners). For example, if someone has agreed with a partner, that they will tell that partner about sexual contact with others, and they don't disclose that they had sex with another person, that is cheating, even if sexual contact with others is just fine otherwise.There are many complexities beyond what I've laid out here, but that's the basics, to my mind.

For your second question, I'm a little puzzled about your meaning. Are you asking if a polyamorous person can be monogamous for long period of time? Be in a monogamous relationship? The short answer to both is 'Yes'. It's possible. Some polyamorous people actively and consciously decide to remain monogamous to stay with a beloved partner. Some put a long 'pause' on seeking poly connections to raise children with a partner. It's best if this can be freely chosen and embraced. That leads to way less regrets and feelings of being trapped. Some poly people joyfully choose to live monogamously for most or all of their adult lives. They still consider themselves polyamorous but not 'practicing' so to speak. So it's possible.

Or you asking how likely it is that such a relationship (polyamorous person with a monogamous person in a long-term monogamous relationship) will fail? Look, and I hate to keep bringing up your and your partner's age but it's relevant. It's possible such a relationship could survive. However, the odds of it surviving when the people involved are in their early twenties are extremely slim. You two are figuring out who you are in a very fundamental way. That makes it more likely you will grow and change in ways that move you away from each other. And that would be true even if you were both monogamous or both polyamorous. The extra 'layer' of staying monogamous when she is possibly discovering poly suits her better - which may allow her to be authentic and not cheat - just adds to the unlikeliness.
 
It's interesting what's been mentioned about how cheating is cheating no matter if in a poly or mono relationship. Perhaps this is something that is misunderstood often in these discussions?
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If the people in the relationship talk about what they expect from selves and each other, don't make promises they cannot keep, and speak up when agreements no longer fit them? Then I don't see how cheating can be "misunderstood."

If something is not understood, one can speak up. Clarify first. Go ask the person -- "I'm not sure about X. Does that mean....? Could you clear that up for me?" rather than go off to do iffy behavior and hide it.


  • One chooses to keep their agreements and does not cheat on the agreement.

  • One chooses not to keep an agreement any more. They let the other guy know BEFORE engaging in any new behavior. "Heads up -- I don't want to cheat. So I need to make you aware that I no longer plan to keep this agreement. It no longer fits me." (They can renegotiate a new agreement or not.)

  • Or one chooses to cheat on the agreements and not be honest.

Also, is the idea of a completely monogamous relationship with a polyamorous person unlikely in the long term?
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Is this general? Is "monogamous" the word you mean to use? I am a bit confused on what you are asking. To me...

A monoamorous person has desire or capacity to love 1 sweetie. They are not necessarily monogamous in relationship shape preference.

A (monoamorous AND monogamous person) loves 1 sweetie and only wants a 1:1 shaped relationship. No other people in there. Just the 2.

A (monoamorous person and poly friendly person) might get on ok with a polyamorous person in something like a "V" arrangement.
The poly person is the hinge and has 2 sweeties. The "V" arm people each have the hinge person as their 1 sweetie.

People could choose to "Close" for a while for whatever reason -- weddings, kids, work stuff, etc. -- for however long they choose.

But I am guessing you are talking about your specific situation rather than generalities. If you meant it more like:

"Also, is the idea of a completely monogamous relationship with her unlikely in the long term?"

Going by her track record so far, I would say not likely. This dating partner cheated, lied, and behaved like a mess. I am not sure if she's actually polyamorous or trying to "explain away" her bad cheating behavior by "whitewashing" it with a "polyamory" label. She doesn't sound like she is owning her behavior. If she doesn't care to own it and instead blame shifts? How will she control her behavior so she is in keeping with agreements?

  • If she is polyamorous, then she's not a match for you because you are monogamous.
  • If she's "whitewashing" and you value honesty, then she's not a match because she tells stories/lies.

Since you identify as monogamous in preference? I think it is better to let it go and seek someone who wants the same kind of relationship you do and enjoy it more peacefully without all the drama.

Yeah putting it all together doesn't sound great,
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You seem to recognize that it IS wonky and messed up here. I am concerned that you might let your soft feelings for her/the past tempt you to continue on with a wonky present. Tread with caution, be leery of sunk cost fallacy, and really think this out.

If you decide you are going to stay for now, I suggest you discern what your hard limit of tolerance is and make it clear. Because you do not have to give infinite second chances.

Galagirl
 
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I've met plenty of people who don't comprehend that cheating is possible in an open marriage or polyamorous relationship. A former friend of mine was soundly ridiculed by many people in our chat group (the "sex site" chat group through which I met Hubby and Guy, same site on which I met S2) because she stated repeatedly that her ex-boyfriend had cheated on her and everyone knew they had an open relationship. The people ridiculing her said, among other things, that she was "an idiot" for saying he cheated when they had an agreement they could fuck other people.

Except he *did* cheat; he went on several dates with a woman he'd told my friend he had no interest in, and had sex with the woman several times before he admitted it to my friend. Even though they had agreed previously that they wouldn't go on dates with anyone without telling each other, and would either tell each other ahead of time if they planned to have sex with someone or would tell each other immediately after the first time if it "just kind of happened."

Open relationship, yes. Cheating, yes. Because he broke specific agreements between the two of them. But most of the folks in the chat group didn't get that; as far as they're concerned, there's no such thing as cheating in an open relationship. (Actually, as far as a few of them are concerned, an open relationship is the same thing as cheating...despite the nature of the site, there's a surprisingly high percentage of judgmental twits.)

So I understand why some of the people es24 has spoken with might not see the difference between his girlfriend cheating on him vs. her having other partners with his consent. Some people just don't get it.

As for whether a poly person can live monogamously, I was monogamous until spring 2013. It felt wrong; I felt trapped. But I didn't know polyamory was a thing. Then Hubby and I opened our marriage, and from there we transitioned into me having a poly relationship while he chose not to seek other partners.

Even then, though, I haven't always acted on being poly. That first relationship, with Guy, was primarily long-distance. There were feelings between us, but we barely saw each other, only three times in a year and a half, and the third was when our relationship self-destructed. For about a year of that time, I didn't see anyone else. I met S2 toward the end of things with Guy (they overlapped in my life by about 3 months). S2 and I had a relationship that recently crashed and burned, so at this point I'm not looking for other partners and don't know whether I ever will. I am seeking *friends*, but intending it to remain platonic friendship, nothing sexual and nothing deeper.

So yes, someone who's polyamorous can live a monogamous life, but in my opinion it only works if it's *their* choice, for *their* reasons, not because someone else wants them to or they think it's what their partner wants.
 
Hi es24g13,

To be brief, my advice is to break up with your girlfriend. You don't want an actively poly partner, and your girlfriend has a track record of not playing straight with you. With all the sleeping around she's done in the past, I doubt she'll be able to give that up. One of you will end up unhappy, or both of you will.

But, I think you'll stay with your girlfriend due to all the good times you've had, and because breaking up is too painful and perhaps because you feel she deserves another chance. I think the scenario most likely to work is one where she dates other people but keeps you in the loop and gets your blessing/consent. But I don't think you want her to date other people at all, right? That's a long shot, that's all I'm saying.

That's all I have for now.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
OP, I know this is going to seem like a crappy thing to say, but... you're young. Very young. I don't mean it in a condescending way just because I'm more than twice your age, but this much is true: You have so much living still to do.

So, don't limit yourself to a situation that makes you unhappy or uneasy or troubled. Find people and things in life that make your heart soar, and don't waste time on people who cannot bring the things to a relationship that you need. That is all.
 
You seem mono, walk away, you seem to know what you want. She is either a player or is poly and trying to deal with it.
 
es24g13 said:
...
Now she's just said that she's polyamorous. She says she didn't know it when we started but blames all the "trouble" we've had because of it - she says she loved two other people without me knowing it (the guy she slept with being one)...
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Loved two others and slept with 4 (or 5, I lost count. Or 6 plus, depending on if she's told you about all her sexual interactions). Idk if she's poly, but she certainly likes variety!

...I know many of you will say that I should adapt to her etc. ...
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Now I won't exactly say you need to adapt to her and accept her behavior because the dishonesty is unhealthy. But I will say that if you really want to keep dating her, you are better off accepting her for who she is. IMHO it sounds like she is an attractive girl who attracts a lot of lovers and enjoys them. If you are okay with that, I'd say go for it but it sounds like you are wanting someone mono to reciprocate your mono tendencies.

Also, idk the details but from your basic story "me then this other guy then another guy then me and cheated on me with another guy then broke up and another guy then back to me..." it sounds like she has a very definite pattern of using/dumping one or two people at a time and you are one of her "regulars".
 
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