Exploring Polyamory instead of Monogamy

The Pilates is changing my body from the inside out. I am now doing Pilates three times a week. Twice at the studio classes and once at home. I feel strong and capable, my body isn't complaining about exercise, it's not so painful I need to sleep the next day. And slowly slowly, I build up my endurance one little bit at a time. My knees and joints still hurt, but it's a bearable pain.

The most exciting part was having Trip over on Thursday. We went ion a walk and I went climbing, up a tree. Suddenly I thought...yes I can do this. I did it Effortlessly! I haven't been this strong since I was 17 I think. Even then I don't think I was a strong as I am now.

I am learning how to be happy, learning how to do things that make me happy. It's like I am discovering these hidden happy parts of myself, that make me giggle and laugh and exhilarated. I am ready to take off my kid gloves and work, but also to put them back on and be happy.

Sunday was pretty great. I had a wonder peaceful day with Trip, we made love for the first time. Again not planned, but it felt right in the moment. We ended up making food together and spent most of the day in bed, after our walk and meal. I really enjoy getting to know him, and he told me he's working on talking to me more openly.

it was really strange and surreal day, dreamy is the right word. And he was a bundle of conflicting emotions, which meant when we had sex, it was very strange. It was more about each other's pleasure and enjoyment not about PIV sex, this is something I still struggle getting used to since I have only been engaging I. This type of sex with men since meeting Rocky last year. The sex was really scary for both of us, it was a bit like we were both teenagers again and nervous, but then when we got into it we relaxed. He has such soft skin, and hair that is translucent. In one angle it's dark brown, in others, sandy blond, then in the light some of it looks red, and some silver. It's really interesting. He also gives amazing oral. So I have had a lot of fun sexy times the last few days.

I am going to keep pushing myself and him in a positive healthy direction. He asked me to not stop loving him, to not stop pushing him, or engaging with him...we had such tender moments together.

I am really happy with how Sunday went. :)

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After a lot of contemplation I realised I can hold both parts of strong and soft in myself.

I realised this after meeting up with Irishcoffee yesterday night. I had seen my girls on Monday, and was really upset by the end of it, and needed to let off some anger at my ex husband but not around the kids. So I held it together until I got to Irshicoffee's.

We had the most amazing play session, I learned how to make my own rope harness, it was the most surreal thing in the world wearing a dildo. So many jokes ensued, and I strutted around pretending to be a guy hahahaha. It was a really funny evening. While channeling my inner male, we played halo. Tuis is a game that as a mother and feminist I would turn my nose up to. But yesterday I just wanted to shoot stuff because I was so angry.

I really got all my emotions out, and it was better than crying or anything and made me super productive today. I also had the most amazing orgasm ever last night. Seriously, it was the combination of the play session, all my emotions all over the place and needing an outlet, 0 expectations with Irishcoffee and me, and also us being really good at reading each other sexually. He knows how to turn me on. He really does. But seriously, it was out of this world.

I am pretty lucky to have three men in my life who care about me so much.

I am building a life and need to stop complaining. And comparing. I have been doing some soul searching on these faults, and think as long as I am direct and open it doesn't matter how different I am with any of them.

I want to be a goofball with Rocky and Irishcoffee. I want to be challenged with my physical health with Rocky. I want to have amazing love making with Rocky.

I want the most amazing orgasms with Irshcoffee, and laughing until my stomach hurts. I want to drink coffee with him at 2 am. I want to play Diablo and geeky stuff, I want t stare in his green eyes and say the most rubbish crap ever about all the stupid injustices in the world, and then piss ourselves laughing about how overly serious and melodramatic I am.

And I want to cherish and mother Trip, he fills another needs, the sexy woman sophisticated side that can do things like operas, jazz live music, dancing, and fancy drinks, I can dress up and be classy, but I can also be my most peaceful calm and healing self too. He also fills the inner need of calming and soothing the hole of missing children in my life, as I inherently soothe his inner child. He shows me how to be strong and sexy. I show him how to stop and smell the roses, to stay present and be still and calm completely present in that moment.

I want to go on roller coasters with Rocky, and travel, because he loves that. And that's part of me too. I want to rock climb and skii, and do physical things with him because he enjoys those with me too.

All these things I can do for people. And have different sides of me with each one.

And that's ok.

That's ok.

I will stop being so hard on myself and other people. The analytical side needs a new outlet, in maths, education, or learning a new language...something along those lines.

Anyway, I just feel so amazing. I have grieved and put behind me the majority of scars with the girls and started to move into acceptance. Soon I will be in America for two months roughly. I am going to keep busy. I have a lot of people to visit.

Life is pretty good and I am blessed with a roof over my head, wonderful food and friends/ family, and just many good things in my life right now. I could be better off with money, but I am grateful for my rest right now - how lucky am I?
Now many people get the opportunity to heal and work on themselves this way and I am going to live it up.
 
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Oh,
I have had the most amazing few days.
Rocky and I are so solid now, we have had a lot of heart to hearts and the fear and worry that he would have his new place and dump me out of his life is past. He's reassured me with actions. He's also proving his trustworthiness too.
Yesterday I went over to see my poly friend Ivy. I am going to have to add her to my tag line because she's freaking amazing. We have so much in common and I can see us being fast friends. I have known her about two months now, and we hung out last night having dinner, then Rocky came over, and me and Ivy we're sorta plotting getting him naked with her ...:rolleyes:
I guess I am just not really a jealous person. It was the hottest thing ever to see them flirt with each other. And me and her established that for now we want to remain platonic friends because we both need that so much. And I want to be there for her like that and vide versa. It's too rare to come across someone like this, who you are so similar with, and I don't want to basically fuck it up with sex. I think we both could use some strong female friendships. But I do think she's pretty amazing.
Rocky and her were totally into each other, and I do think we'll all hang out Gain soon. Way fun, we laughed and had drinks and talked about everything under the sun. The nice thing is she is really local to rocky new home, so it's like he's already getting a social network with me In his new area. And Ivy and her partner just moved there so they are looking for friends too!

After an amazing time, Rocky and I left around 11, and hit an Indian restaurant, he sweet talked them into letting us eat in, and so we did until midnight. It was kind of cheesy and romantic, and Rocky was brimming with happiness to have "two beautiful ladies flirting with him all night and me bigging him up." :rolleyes: (his words not mine!)

Then we went back to mine and we were both so charged we went straight up to bed and made love. He adores how much work I have out into my self respect of my body and boundaries and life, and i guess it's made me more attractive to him, and I felt much closer to him tonight than I have in awhile. I think it was because on the ride home he spontaneously brought up that he wants to know me, for the rest of his life, and he loves what we have, and loves me, and he's very very happy with me. He said a lot more romantic things too and I was just so full of love for him by the time we got back.
We spent hours in bed exploring each other and reconnecting. It was amazing , I think we finally went to sleep sometime after 2.

I woke up to him tickling me, and pretending he had spider hands, walking them across my body. I was laughing so much, and I said something about having an epiphany to him and it came out of my half asleep mouth as 'epic fanny' LOL...and so we were just in fits of laughter this morning. I have done a job of painting only one side of Rocky on here, but today, I wanted to show why I so adore this man, and why I work so hard with him in the relationship. There are so many good parts to it.

We made breakfast together, he is always a willing particant in my life with tasks, he likes helping me and takes much joy in it. And I adore the fact that he just gets stuck in without complaint. We managed to make the most perfect omelettes by helping each other with the process, I held the pan and he used two spatulas to flip it. Then I helped him get it out of the pan, and to spice it with smoked paprika. Yummy. We also had homemade salsa, with cherry tomatoes, spring onions, cilantro, sesame oil, avocado, and lime juice. Freaking amazing. Takes ten minutes to make and is wonderful.

Anyway, I am glowing this week as I am definitely getting my sexual quota, and also in a pretty awesome place with all my relationships. (Sans kids but even that one is improving slowly) :D
 
I couldn't wait any longer. I finally asked Rocky straight up what his decision is. Does he want me as a girl friend or just friend?

I was inspired by NYCindies comment on "hell yes" people in her life, I explained the comment to him that I had come to terms and was at peace if he wanted to walk away from the relationship. That I only wanted him in my life if I was a hell yes, I wouldn't accept a meh, yes, or a maybe. I needed to know he wanted me, I needed to know why, and I needed to know it would be followed through with actions.

And the verdict is...Yes! A RESOUNDING HELL YES.

I think the last straw in place was the very strange and ironic coincidence of Ivy and rocky really digging each other! I am so happy for them, because I think it cleared a lot of negative or confusing ideas about poly in a practical way for him. Things like kids +poly, and would he find someone who liked him and was his age and he liked while still dating me. Those were valid concerns. Now he can see it's possible even if nothing actually happens between those two. But I think it will. Ivy asked me to pass on his number, and he was really flattered and shy by it. I know right now he's more into the three of us as a threesome sexually, but I explained to him, that he didn't need anyone to hold his hand to date me, and that his possible whatever with her is outside of me. If we all hang out and something happens at some point, great, but that is a really bad way to start a relationship, to have the expectation of a threesome.

I teased him saying we aren't there for his entertainment, we are fully autonomous women who might end up just doing stuff with each other without him and how would he feel then? Lol.

So he got it, and it's stuff he's never thought about so we go gentle together and I walk him through possible scenarios beforehand to point out different ways of thinking about things. In return I listen when he points out flaws in mine, and we have grown a great deal of respect for each other.

So the ball is in his court now to take things anywhere with her, and both of them expressed interest in being friends first. I feel calm about going away to America knowing he's got the potential female friendship (plus possible more) with Ivy. She is a really awesome quality person, and so is he and it's super cool to see that happiness and connection between people. This is one of the main reasons I have wanted to do poly, is to really connect with people.

Ivy and I spoke about this ideal and how we were thinking sometimes sex inhibits real connection and sometimes it helps it. We're both new to poly in practice as she has been doing it since January... and me, well with real authenticity and part of the groups around five months? From March/April?

Anyway, we made plans all of us to meet up at Ivy and Grayson (her partner ), and straighten both boys hair and paint their toenails while we all watched terminator. Both Ivy and I have never seen terminator. And Grayson and Rocky are huge Annie fans. Plus they both have long flowing locks that will look super hot straight, not that they don't rock the curls. ;)

Rocky loves the idea of this and we all can't wait to get to know each other better.

Last night, after all the heavy talking, Rocky and I finalised plans for our trip to Cornwall. I changed my mind about Lake District because I wanted to see the water, go rocky climbing and Rocky wanted to go kayaking. So away we go for three days two nights in the beginning of September. We found an adorable BnB right on the ocean very inexpensive, and literally a 2 minute walk from the beach. We both are really excited and it's our first proper trip away with us being a bonfide poly couple, in our new established happy place. I am so super proud of Rocky. He really has stepped up and voiced wha the wants. Both what he doesn't and does want. He is much clearer with his Nos in the last four to five months, so I feel I can trus this yeses. We actually debate, and come up with compromises, solutions that respect both of us. God I love that man. And when he tells me no...I get so turned on. I don't want to change it I just love that he's speaking his truth, and being authentic. :D

The rest of the evening was spent watching movies and cuddling, I asked if he had any doubts or bad feelings about his choice, he said no he felt very peaceful. I do too, or did until I went to sleep and had a panic attack in my sleep and a nightmare involving Rocky.

I dreamt I was inside a volcano, and rocky was trying to get me to walk over the edge and convince me I wouldn't get burned. I told him lava is hot and I will get hurt, and I kept walking in, even though he insisted it wouldn't hurt me. He had a really cruel face and wasn't like him at all. I woke up in a sweat with my heart racing, the dream was nonsensical after that and I don't have much more memory of it than that.

But it's not unusual for me that when I trust someone on a new level, (especially rocky) to dream like that. Especially given my history of abusive men in my past. I think this was me processing ex husband again, because we had also talked about the ex husband last night, and also the lead up to break up, clearing the air one final time, to start our new chapter. I also spoke to him for the first time properly about court, and the rape with ex husband and different things leading past the breakup with him and where we are now. So it's little wonder I had a nightmare. Usually my dreams about rocky is him as a protective factor when ex husband hurts me.

Anyway I explained what happened to rocky when I woke up, as he spent the night with me, and he held me and after about ten minutes (record time to recover from a full blown panic attack for me!) I calmed down enough to sleep. :) I will need to cash in a few extra hours of sleep now though, so off to bed I go. More updates tomorrow after I see trip tonight, mmmmm life is so sweet right now. I am so freaking lucky.
 
I'm feeling sad today. Saturday's are so hard for me. I am just finding my heart breaking every time my girls ask and plead and cry to live with me and there is literally nothing I can do about it. I fought long and hard, but it is what it is. The judge made his decision, and I don't have the energy or money to fight again.
Ugh.

Anyway,
I am processing this. Sigh.


I am making tentative plans with Siren and Gale this week to do some artwork on the Heath nearby. Can't wait to get out and just enjoy nature. I am also working on some things at home: finances, my 30th birthday party celebration plans, some artwork, housework, meeting up with Trip and Rocky this week, and also trying to fit in Irishcoffee. I also have a phone call with Ivy tomorrow to natter away. :)

Tonight I think I might take it as an early night as I have been up since 5 am this morning, and I went to bed at midnight. I had Pilates this morning before I saw the girls, so it's been a super busy day. Once I sleep I am sure I will feel much better.

Last night was another confusing and amazing night with Trip. I really like him. We went out to dinner at an exotic cocktail restaurant, with colourful draped curtains hanging from the ceilings...moody lighting against bright yellows, maroon, neon pink, and dark blues and Browns. Very interesting decor. I had dressed up in a punk rock cocktail dress, dangly earings, loose crazy curls, and stiletto ankle boots. Trip was in a very nice pressed shirt and slacks with Italian black leather shoes. He looked hot.

After dinner and flirting, we hit a bar nearby. I got ID'd. The highlight of that bar lol.I was too tired from an early day again, so we only stayed for one drink. After that we went back to my place where we did some new and interesting fun sexy stuff...mmm. Trip did things I have never experienced before and clearly loves oral. It was exciting fun and very intense emotionally.

I find it confusing with him because our connection is so emotional and intense, when we are sexual, and we are both bewildered by how intense it is. It's like we get to a certain point and then, we have to stop because we can't actually process that much good feelings, vulnerability, and ability to deeply understand each other's darkest parts and accept them all at once.

I have never experienced anything like this. I just feel super protective of him, and of us, and we are just focusing this week instead on going out and slowly building up the intensity and just see how it plays out as we go along. Every story is different, every path walked a new experience. And it certainly never boring with Trip. I think the closest way I can describe this, is when I touch him, I reach inside him and heal something without even trying. I am not looking to fix anyone or anything, I am doing this without knowing how or why, but it's having a cathartic affect on Trip. This has happened in the past on the other side of the fence for me. When Adasan and I dated briefly, he did a neck/shoulder rub on me that literally healed my emotional and physical issue with my past experience of the ex husband trying to choke me to death. Now Adasan had no idea that the neck/shoulder rub he gave had that effect on me. He also did it without realising or trying to. He wasn't out to fix me, and I wasn't looking to be fixed.

So, anyway, I guess if people can touch me with hate and leave scars, then someone else can touch me with love, and leave healthy whole parts of me I didn't know was capable of being ok again.

I am almost certain this is what I am doing for Trip.

So I spend a lot of time cuddling him, and holding him and telling him it will be ok and just letting him grieve whatever it is that he's processing in the safe space with me. It's an honour to have his trust and his heart and vulnerability. It's an honour to know him, he's a good person.

I feel calmer now knowing that even if I have caused my kids unmeasurable pain because I can literally do nothing to change or help them right now, at least I can help someone else. And I know my worth still. It's just the worst thing in the world to have your child in pain and sadness and not be able to make the situation better or right for them.

I did a lot of cuddling with them today too. We also picked blackberries, and made lunch together, and played a game. We walked in the forest, climbed some trees, dug up stones to take home, and played songs with pieces of grass strung between our thumbs. Those moments are precious even if I can't help them. I don't want to be the cause of anymore pain.

Sigh.

I will keep working on the calm places inside me, and keep trying. I am lucky to have the friends I have and to have them in my life. I am also lucky to have the love and devotion of two wonderful men. I must keep on putting one foot in front of another, moping will definitely not help my girls or myself in any way.

Onwards and upwards as they say.
 
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I took a mental health day today, I usually need an r and r day after being with kids because it's like re traumatising for all of us, it makes us all face head on that the girls aren't living with me anymore, and it's eating us all up.

So today I watched melodrama and listened to music and slept until midday. I need to get a job because I am seriously bored. I want to do more things, and I need money to do that, which means I need to work. And I feel if I can keep this level of activity I am doing now up, which is namely, Pilates three times a week, 2-4 miles of walking per day, and house stuff, I think I will be ok. Not every day is this way. It about three fourths of the days are. I think a lot of my M.E. Was skeletal/nerve in my back, and that is being addressed by the Pilates, so although I have pain, I have less than a year ago, and loads more than two years ago. And it's increased my stamina and stability muscles, so I am burning fat more effectively, and I am losing inches but not weight right now. Pretty pleased with myself.

Sigh I think this week is going to be only twice in the week sex. Rocky is usually fine with one time per week, and I only see Irish coffee once. However it does mean I get to go out and do things with the boys instead, and that is cool. I will just have to charge up my Lelo. Lol.

You'd think with three guys I would have more sexy fun times, but its just timing and fitting in times out and times in etc. I am getting more sex than I was with just rocky though so that's a positive thing. With a job and doing Pilates more daily, like five or six times a week (working up to that point) then it should squash my sex drive some. Maybe. Here's hoping. Lol.
 
nycindie said:
Sorry to interrupt, but just wanted to let you know I've been enjoying reading your blog. However, I've been trying to figure out - what is M.E.?
Click to expand...

Hey NYCindie thanks for the comment. And I am chuffed you like my blog! :cool:

As for ME, it stands for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. It is also known as chronic fatigue syndrome, but there's a lot of controversy and misinformation around the name and what exactly it is. So I just go with ME because that's what my doctor described it as.
Here is the wikepedia explanation on this illness:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chronic_fatigue_syndrome

I personally don't like the name chronic fatigue syndrome because for me it's less about fatigue now, and more about pain and sensitivities. I am sensitive to gluten, dairy, light, sound, too much stress will have me at a breaking point some days. I also get pain generating from my back outwards, I have we constant pain in my joints. Most of this stuff I am so used to dealing with, that I don't notice normal anymore. And on the rare day I am completely pain free, I don't really know what to do with myself lol, I tend to overdo it then and have caused days of exhaustion the next day. I tend to need a solid 8 to 10 hours of sleep a night, and sometimes a midday nap too.

I was diagnosed a few years ago, but it's improved greatly in the last year. Going pales 80% of the time, and also avoiding wine/beer, and doing Pilates...they have all been factors in my recovery. I also take a low level dose citalopram for depression and pain management of ME.
 
I need to make a post about all things poly today.

First off, I have been loving my freedom to go out and meet people. I also love the mostly freedom of pain I have been having. Today is a bit bad with change in weather. Which is normal with my joints, when it rains or goes suddenly colder, my joints hate it. (I sound like I am much older than nearly 30 lol) all he more reason to Pilates . I will work on my bone density, and strengthening he muscles supporting my joints. :D

Ok so back to the polytuides. (Like platitudes? Can we create new poly words here? lol)

I am really enjoying Irishcoffe's time and friendship. It's so easy with him because we are friends first. I am very certain we will always be friends. We hung out and cuddled. I didn't have sex once this week and looks like it won't happen now, but strangely I am ok. I have wanted major cuddles this week. I think a part of me wanted reassurance that I am wanted for more than just sex with my guys. ;)

So I chilled at Irishcoffe's, I watched him play an episodic Xbox game, then we played Diablo. We read a book together and dissected it intellectually, it's call "why do people believe weird things", it's very heavy and technical citing a lot of higher knowledge reference. We had to do a lot of cross referencing with Wikipedia to understand it. Then we debated it. We didn't get past the foreword, and spent about two hours on that alone lol. Was good fun!

After spending the night at his, cuddled up, in which I slept very well, we went out to late breakfast early lunch on Monday.

From there I had originally agreed to see Rocky that night at mine, but he was super busy setting up house with family, apparently it took him like four hours to do the blinds because he had to assemble them from scratch himself. Lol. So we cancelled.

I had also made plans to see Ivy for the afternoon as a pit stop on my way home. Her home is halfway between Irishcoffees and mine, so it's a good meeting point. She home schools her kids, and we had a great time hanging out. I met her kids once already since we established platonic friendship. And so we spent from 3pm to midnight talking. When her partner came home, we all sat around chatting some more and "chilling" with some new alternative experiences I have never done before. I am being intentionally vague here, lol.

This made me very creative and super intense. So I created a pen drawing of Ivy which she loved! I will have to do one of Grayson next time.

After passing out on her couch, I got up around ten and she was bright and perky already lol. I was totally zoning out lol.

We did some activities with the kids and I stayed till 5pm talking and having fun. Literally we could talk all day and night and be totally unproductive haha. She said she will definitely come to the birthday party I am throwing next month. woo hoo.

On Tuesday evening I went up to central to meet with Peti and Trip. I reluctantly agreed to go and I told him to make no illusions that I was joyfully doing this, that I was doing this for him and only him.

This time I prepared and gave them a time limit, saying I could only stay for two hours, and I am so glad I did.

Although I feel peaceful and happy whenever I interact with Trip I really really really can't stand Peti. I don't mean I hate her, it's not anger or frustration I feel ftowards her at all. It's like recoiling from a snake in the bushes. I feel...on guard, afraid, like she doesn't have good intentions.

And these aren't suppositions I am making, they are based on facts. I was finally told exactly what her mental health issues are, and they are pretty serious, which is more than just the symptom that I had been previously disclosed to. So this has made me realise I can't do this relationship with Trip. Full stop. Because i know for a fact it would cause drama, heartache, and possible abuse towards me. I know the signs. I have been around people with these problems before. Experience has made me cautious that for me it is not a good idea. The feeling I get with Peti is, don't just walk, but RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

It's too risky to my self preservation, and also to my kids. Shudder. I had nightmares last night about her, and woke up throwing up. I haven't had such a strong reaction to someone for awhile. It reminded me similarily of my reaction to my biological dads side of family, who allowed abusers to rape me as a kid. That type of reaction in a stranger is not a good sign.

Definitely a deal breaker for me.

It is not my job to show Trip that what he is in is deeply unhealthy relationship.
No, I admire that he is able to go into that eyes open and love someone with those mental health issues. But I don't do poly with unhealthy players.

At one point during the night Peti said "it's not in my interest to hurt Trip because I have to keep him Healthy enough to hurt him later."

She was making a joke about BDSM, but the truth that rang from that one statement almost made me vomit right then and there.

I was so glad after that, that Rocky and I met up.
It took me about 20-30 minutes to decompress, then, I enjoyed and appreciated rocky so much.

We get on so well on so many levels. And I just gushed at him saying, I appreciate you too much to ever hurt you intentionally Rocky, I just want you to be joyfully you, whatever that is. Whether that includes me or not. I felt so much love for him, pure love, not dysfunctional. I know how far I have come, and I won't go back there with anyone else's drama. God I love that man, he is so kind and sweet.

We found a little place to sit in a bar under a bridge, with an alcove, that had an arch window, watching people walk In the moonlight. Very cool and romantic. We used my iPad to look up and finalise hotel plans, so we are definitely off to Cornwall, and we are definitely doing kayaking even if we can't do rock climbing. Might not be able to afford both!

Since he is paying all for me, as I am off work, I was fine with foregoing rock climbing for now. The fact he's doing this for me, ugh, so sweet. I can't wait to spend three nights four days together of bliss, just us nature, and good times. :)

Whenever I come away from rocky, or at least 9/10ths of the time, I feel energised and happy and committed. He feels that way too, it's awesome it's like we're two energiser bunnies who bounce off each other in positive ways.

In Retrospect with Peti, we are like opposite sided magnets, where we literally repel each other. And I feel very uneasy and sick to my stomach when I think about her. My lizard brain keeps telling me danger.

One more bizarre thing happened that proved to me she is trying to micromanage and control trip/me, is she announced randomly out of nowhere that she is no longer poly. She is breaking up with her 2 year female partner, and going mono. BizarrE. She has been poly for 8 years, and she stops now when he is practicing his right to poly? Anyone else see the warning flag?

As I said I need to run not walk away.

I am so sad I have to let Trip go, but I know I need to, for my own sanity. A small stink now while love is new vs a big stink later when it could be so much harder, and I could potentially be hurt more by her. I don't want to risk it.

Edited to add:
I have decided to rip the bandaid off and do this sooner rather than later. I do like trip a lot, but I have put up big walls into feeling more in the last week because of the various flags, so many I can't actually mention them all, and also because they are too private part of his world things. I think I am sliding into unhealthy rescue mode with him and need to back off. It's not my job to fix his relationship with her. The last few times I have talked to him have been very different from when we first met, he is more and more sad as we go on, and I would rather do this before his and mine bday. I don't want him spending any more money on me, and I don't want to drag on something I know is ending. I can't do that to myself. I don't want to talk myself out of it either, I am very sure about this and if we have sex more, I will want to protect him or help him some way that would in turn hurt me because of her. It's not a Helathy dynamic. He's a grown man who can help and protect himself.
 
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I have been so sick since the last post. I have been throwing up with a nasty tummy bug, and I have had quite a few sick nightmares, a couple surrounding trip and Peti.

I finally told trip on the phone I need to have a chat with him.

My sane rational part of my mind wants to make it work for him, because I care, even though when I think of her it sets off this tummy bug more.

I cancelled seeing my girls because I am living in bed and toilet right now, not very fun :(

Trip wants to come around Sunday to talk, but I am just not sure I want him trying to talk me out of it. I don't have the strength to go through with that sort of talk right now when I am ill. Maybe next week.

I have a lot of things to focus on right now...

Signing up for open university. Moving, my time with rocky, the girls move to west city. So much on my plate.

I really can't be dealing with Peti and how irrational I feel about her right now or where the triggers come from or why. It's enough for me right now to know whether they are from her actions or my background or a cocktail of both, I don't want to face them right now.

My way of dealing with my past trauma and triggers is to avoid the people who retruamatise me or who act and behave in unkind and unempathetic ways.

It is MY choice if I want to deal with that now, not trips...no matter how much he wants to work through this for us, I may just not want to.
 
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Well
On Friday Trip asked if he could see me Sunday. But I don't want him to see me this sick and vulnerable. I mean I don't mind him seeing me that, I guess what I mean is I don't want Peti in any way seeing me this sick and vulnerable, and although it will be trip here, I don't know what he shares with her about me. We haven't had that conversation yet. So I don't want to give her ammunition. Especially as I want to be all together for the breakup and not nessecarily in my house while I am ill.

So I also forgot that I had agreed with Rocky to see him today because of my illness I got the days and nights all confused. I have been seriously out of it since Thursday. This illness wiped me out and I only just feel mostly normal today. Yesterday I was weak as anew born kitten, but at least not throwing up anymore, and I was starving. I made two roast chicken thighs, and two large baked potatoes and one of those microwaveable rice meals. That's a lot for me when sick. 1) it was the effort of making it, and 2) I just couldn't seem to eat enough food to replenish myself after all the throwing up.

It was not a fun Few days and one of the bad parts of being solo poly, no one there to take care of you if you're feeling awful.

But now that I feel more cogent, I am going to putter around the house cleaning. I am starting in my room, then the kitchen. I have a shit ton of dishes that I haven't done since before I went away last week. I had only a few, but then they just kept stacking up in my laziness. That's a perk of solo poly, I dont have to worry about anyone else's cleanliness. I am generally fairly clean, except when I am sick, or VERY stressed. This last week was a combination of both.

So now it's time to right my world back in place and pull it together for Monday. I have letters to deal with, doctors to see, bills to pay, I have boxes to get to start packing for my move(most likely), and just a ton of other things to do. My stomach is still wobbly, but I think if I stay with plain food again (chicken, rice, potatoes etc.) I should be ok. I will do my best to do the bare necessities, and not over do it.

I am really sad I need to break up with trip, but I really can't see a way around this. I have too many emotional things to deal with right now, so this is just not something I can take on board right now. :( breakups suck.

I'm going to have a talk with him where we try to work around it but, I am really not sure how I can. I am feeling at a loss.
 
I am experiencing a mini relapse with M.E., perhaps I pushed myself too hard father getting over my illness. The last two days, Wednesday and Thursday have been lazy days.

Monday was a crazy busy day.

It was payday so one of the first things I did was go out and get some shopping for the house done.

On Sunday to Monday Rocky has spent the night, so he dropped me off in town for shopping. As we were going through town in his car, I ran across a previous rapist, who I had reported to the police. I had a very mild panic attack, but I calmed down and Rocky asked if I wanted to go somewhere else or be taken home. He couldn't stay with me so these were the options we discussed. I turned to him and told him, no way is he (predator) going to determine what I do with my day. I had already reported him once so if he talked to me then I would dial police and report him again for harassment. Not to mention he now gets recorded in his profession because of the incident.

Anyway...
After that, I went to get my hair done, thinking, I haven't done this since February, and it was getting quite long and wild. I liked the length in the back so decided to get layers that I could keep most of the length but frame the curls better. Plus getting the head massage and pampered really chilled out my amygdala. After that I felt really proud of myself, and when I went shopping and ran into another bothersome male (this was a man I met in hospital a few years ago who pestered me to go out with him, and I kept refusing him, so he started stalking me, and I threatened to report him to the hospital if he kept it up. He stopped but it was weird to see him again right after the first incident a few hours before! (I later found out from staff in hospital he was a diagnosed Narcissist waiting to be transferred elsewhere...)

This one was a lot less dramatic, I simply looked him in the eye as I passed, and he looked away first with out saying anything. He knew who I was, and we acknowledged each other non verbally, but there was no need to say or do anything, or to give it anymore thought. I just found it interesting in retrospect because of the question I had asked in forum about learning how to deal with predators. At that point, I realised I am in complete control of how I react to a situation even if someone else wants to try to control me in anyway I have to give them permission first.

After shopping, and heading home, I spoke to Siren on the phone about going out dancing with me and Ria. Ria and her had never met but they would both be at my bday party, so I was looking foreword to them hanging out. :)

Seroc dancing was definitely the highlight of my week, and danced my feet off! It was definitely a fun girls night out. Siren and I travelled up together so we got to spend one on one quality time together and catch up girlfriend style.

I finally have three close to my age, girl friends who I know I can rely on and talk to and be close with, it's awesome. :) I had to back off the people I wished would be more (the non hell yes people) to find them, but I am glad I have them in my life. On Monday I was just there for my friends. I haven't always been able to be there for other people, and struggled doing this with women, so this marks a huge turning point for me. I am super proud to have Ria, Siren and Ivy as my friends and I am glad they trust me enough to share with me and to let me be there for them too. That's very cool!

At the dancing, I learned three basic moves, there was teaching for a part of it, and then free style, which reminded me a lot of high school dances in a America. If I had known it would be like that I would have dressed up more. It also didn't focus on alcohol, providing only soda and water. The layout was in a dance academy's theatre dance hall. The leaders stood on a stage showing us the moves, and we all stood in lines taking turns with different partners (around 2 mins max per partner). The leaders would randomly move people up and down the lines at different intervals, so men might move two or six spaces down, and girls the next time might move four or one space up. This was a great way for people to get familiar with others to break the ice and dance with loads of people at the free style at the end.

It's really interesting who you have dance chemistry with. It can surprise you. In particular I enjoyed taking turns with men in their 60-70's because then I could slow down a bit, and practice the moves at my pace for awhile.

Many intermediate and advanced student men asked me to dance, and were shocked when I told them it was my first night. I found being the female partner a similar headspace to be a sub, I stopped letting my brain think and just went along with it. I had a really fantastic time, where I really enjoyed myself!

I even asked Ria to dance while I haphazardly tried to do the male lead, haha it was good fun.

In total the event was on from 730-1100 and included around 40 men and 40 women! Afterwards, I went with Ria to a pub and we caught up on life in general.

I think there's a combination of a lot of good learning and healing and growth going on in relationships for me.

The relationship with my self is much stronger, I have a much stronger sense of self worth and self happiness. I don't beat myself up over things anymore, and I generally accept what I can and cannot change while still challenging myself to be better. I am at peace with me.

With my mother, I am low contact. I keep my phone calls no longer than 20 minutes. I now refuse to answer the phone if I am in a negative headspace. I don't let her problems become my problems and I am keeping healthy boundaries.

With poly, the saturation point I have of juggling three sexual relationships, means that I can free myself up to just be friends with other people. It's made me feel a lot better about having female friends, and accepting myself as poly, instead of hiding and denying after all these years makes me feel settled too.

Continued...
 
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Continued...

Oh I also got news about my housing. My landlord and council are renewing my lease for another three years and from what I understand will continue to do so!

After this good news, I tossed around the idea to Irishcoffee of moving in with me. We're negotiating but it may happen 85% likely after I return from my trip. This means I would be in a much better financial position and allow myself to feel safer about my condition if anything should happen. We talked about this at length, and he's willing to be considered a carer for me if my health should go down hill. Very awesome. So it looks like we may be roomies! We are still friends with benefits and this isn't an escalator, it's more like fellow nomads unite.

We both have never lived anywhere long. He hasn't lived in a house longer than a year in his entire life, and I haven't lived in a house more than 4. In my head Irishcoffee inhabits a place of cousin, friend, girlfriend, play partner, and never sits easily in one box. I don't view him as someone I would fall in love with, or someone who I would want escalator things with. I view him as a really awesome person who I want to help, and continue being friends with for life. :)

There's a lot to consider with everything, but I see it being a way for us to financially be in a stronger position than doing it on our own. In an Anarchist -style way. Also there's no rush. I can just about manage on my own, and he can too so we're going to have lots of lengthy chats about house rules and financial breakdown and poly and bdsm, my kids coming over once a month, that sort of thing, so there's no confusion or miscommunication before we live together.

Luckily were really similar in our communication style and conflict resolution, we prefer to walk away and leave the room/house/flat if we get too emotional or overwhelmed. That’s very positive because it means we'll be ok. I told him my biggest problems I foresee is possible sexual entitlement (the creeping kind), and cleaning / cleanliness of each other. I told him if he wants to keep just his room a bomb site that's ok as long as theirs no mold etc. He explained his place isn't always this way because of loss of job (high paying job) to now minimum wage one, and the loss of girlfriend who he lived with for three years, he's a bit messier than normal. So we decided ok cool we can work in this.

As I said, lots of talking going on!! And we aren't 100% sure. I want to make sure he's ok with it, I mean having just lived with someone...yikes! he may need more time to heal first. But in his favor he told me the whole breakdown, his side of it, and what he learned. He didn't demonise her, and he spoke frankly of how he had some reservations because of how his last sexual relationship went down. I told him, well we can bench the sexual side and live together or keep the sexual side and not live together and give him any amount of time he needs to feel comfortable with it. I am not out to convince him, it was just a win win for both of us financially if he wants to.


So after Seroc I headed over to Ivy's House, and spent the night. I didn't get in till almost 1 am! I woke up early though from nightmares about Peti again...but in the context of other people. I just know it was about her.

Anyway, I helped the kids in the morning while my friend Ivy had a lie in, and then she admitted to really struggling with jealousy in her polycules, so we had a long heart to heart. I get her so well.

I mean we have such similar situations. She is a stay at home mom, because he oldest child has learning behavioural disabilities and so she's adjusting to that, on top of her separation divorce and new lover she is living with. She really needs a friend and so do I, and I wasn't able to help the unfair situation I was in, I got isolated like her. So if I can help her, then I will. It's horrible how the burden the isolation and strength always has to come from the self sacrificing mothers of the world, there's just so much pressure on women to do it all now a days, and just grin and bear it.

More and more I think, female friends are what's going to be my cornerstone In My life, and I am really glad i can be there for someone else. Also we relate on a lot, she has two kids same age as mine, we are in the same social networks, we struggle with getting a lot of male attention, after never receiving it in the past, we like to Learn be creative study, and put the kids at the centre of our worlds. I did that for 9 years, but with out any help. Luckily she has friends, family, and lovers who are there. And I am going to be there too now.


Continued...
 
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After hanging out with Ivy and her kids till 3pm on Tuesday, I headed to hometown, And the nearby village to do my Pilates.

This seriously helped my ME crash, it didn't help the exhaustion, but it did help with pain and stiffness. I was still able to cook and do very gentle cleaning and self care on Wednesday and today.

If I hadn't done the Pilates Tuesday it wouldn't have been able to move, Seroc demands a moderate to high level of core strength, stability, flexibility and speed. I have the flexibility and for short bursts, the stability and speed, but not the core strength yet. And my back isn't quite as flexible as I’d like. It needs a lot of self care.

So…yeah, I really really love my Pilates classes. I was so excited Wednesday about Seroc I asked if Rocky would go with me next Monday, even if it was hugely painful afterwards. It the benefits outweigh the negatives, and I will eventually get to a place I can do it easily with out pain I hope. I am not sure if I am brave or stupid about my ME sometimes. It's easier to live putting it on the back burner, I tell people if I think it's relevant, like going dancing I let my friends know, but I don't focus on it and let strangers or other people know.

I also don't let it determine what I do every day, I do my best to pull myself out of bed, even if it's Just puttering and my house, and on my personal journal I put at the top my mental health rest day but also my weight and physical health / energy levels. I keep a record to allow myself the room to grown within the confines of my illness. I have yet to get through the glass ceiling of consistently doing things every day, which would mean I am ready for a job. But hopefully my open university course will help with that. :)

So, yes this is where I am at this week. I have today and tomorrow to chill and clean until my girls come over Saturday. Then Trip is possibly coming by Saturday night to Sunday. I miss him.

Oh I have to talk about my boundaries. I spoke to him on Skype last night after speaking to my girls and Irishcoffee and doing gentle Pilates at home…

I didn't know when we started Skype that Peti was in the room because I couldn't see anything except Trip. So, the first thing I said (since it was 1030pm) was “I am taking you to bed with me, because I am exhausted and going to sleep soon after talking to you.”

Well then Peti said she was getting up and leaving the room, she must have been upset? Why else tell him she is getting up and leaving…she could have just got up and left? Or stayed and not said anything if it didn't bother her…

I shrugged this particular one off, but categorised it to tell Trip on sat/Sunday in person as a personal boundary. We chatted for a bit, but then Peti came back in to show hi. Her hair and leaned into the screen…so then I thought, ok what can I do to keep my boundary of no contact with her? My option (and I was triggering at the same time) was to turn off Skype call. I didn't announce I was doing this, I reacted this way. On reflection I realised I could have done it slightly less dramatic, by muting it and physically walking away, or minimising the screen. But at least this way I was sending my message loud and clear.

I then ignored his incoming calls, and texted him on whatsApp to say I would be happy to call him when she's no longer in the room.

He said she was gone, so I answered his next call, but he looked very upset and sad. I explained that I wanted clear boundaries in regards to Peti,, and that I had planned to bring this up on Sunday in person, but this situation was calling for me to address it now.

He listened to my feelings and apologised for not recognising it, I said how could you recognise it when I hadn't stated it, but now that I had, we could discuss them. He said he wasn't comfortable telling me how he felt right now, because it was Skype, so we benched the topic for the evening. He said he felt very alone right now, I asked what he meant, and said did he mean Peti? And he goes, no I am just alone.

Then he said an obtuse statement of “I wish it were six months from now.” And my brain though…huh? What happens In six months? So I asked what did he mean, and again he was unwilling to articulate himself clearly. I got frustrated that he wouldn't talk to me clearly, so I changed the subject and said we’ll talk on Sunday.

I will tell you what isn't happening though, I won't be closer or normalise or rationalise or justify or corroborate anything Peti wants in six months from now.

And if he pushes, suggests, or tries to force this issue, or even manipulate in any way that outcome, I will put my foot down hard. And I will lose all respect for him! I said to him as much last night at one point during my explanation that my feelings, and my gut instinct are just fine. This is not me “being wrong” about my view or over sensitive about my past, and I told him about my run ins on Monday with people and how I don't let things like that dictate my life, but I do have an awesome bullshit meter and I won't let anyone treat me badly, or disregard my boundaries. If he's willing to let her boundaries control his and disregard mine, then he will know where I stand and what I won't put up with, so this Sunday's talk for me is sort of a make it or break it. We will actually discuss, and if he can't articulate in person what he's feeling and thinking, then that's another reason not to be dating him, I would rather be just friends, because, I want emotionally healthy happy people in my life too.

As far as I am concerned unless it's a genuine emergency or a social event we're both at that I can't get out of, (his birthday for example) I want nothing to do with her, full stop.
 
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So, I am all over the place right now.

My period is late. This is not unusual, I have wonky periods. Thinking of trying out the diva cup suggested on the forum here, by Reverie, so I can try to gain some more information on my cycles. Perhaps they come every six to seven weeks instead of four? Either way I think I am pmsing but not sure.

The social worker changed the place of meeting kids when it was supposed to happen at my home this week. Very annoying. There was nothing for it but to cancel as getting up where the kids are would take me 3 hours by bus. The people doing contact wouldn't wait around that long. I am pretty pissed off about it that she changed it and didn't notify me or ex husband.
Grr. I can't wait for the day when they stop interfering in the girls lives and mine!

As far as other things go...I am trying to figure out what to do with my time other than sleep, clean, eat and socialise. I need to work or educate myself for work, something where I am not doing nothing. I think I am pretty close to being strong enough to work, I have done a lot of healing and growth, and getting pretty close to daily workouts, including being on my feet with walking and cleaning,,,but then I have days I do pretty much nothing too.

Hmm as far as poly things goes, it's going to be emotionally difficult week this week. I am shoring up my emotional well of resources. I have Irishcoffee coming by tonight instead of Trip, because trip isn't coming until 1 pm tomorrow . Then he'll stay to late. After that Rocky is stopping by at 4 pm Monday, And I have IVY spending the week with me. She can't afford a break in her world to go away on vacation doing the stay at home mum thing, so I offered my place for her to crash at to get away for a while. Her kids are going to be with their dad for the week (yay summer holidays) and I am going to enjoy this time!

Thankfully seeing Irishcoffee and Rocky will be positives. I am helping Ivy with some emotional stuff, and trip too, which may be potential breakup conversation, I don't know...it just seems not healthy his partner and me the dynamic and I tend to avoid unhealthy.

Sigh.

I am looking forward to laughs and fun times with Ivy, and both of us doing girly things and having fun.

I decided to do something fun to surprise Ivy when she comes over, I am going to write up some notes where she can exchange them like a spa. Basically, I can't afford to take her out or treat her as a friend in crisis so instead, I am going to turn my home into the spa! We'll do mani pedis, and guided meditation, and Pilates, and long walks in the Heath, and silly dancing with crazy music while jumping on my bed...yup, I am zany enough to do all those things and have fun. She just needs a good dose of female fun, and that's what I want too!! I will also leave some blank ones for her to fill in :)
 
Well that was highly informative.

I had a three hour conversation with Trip about Peri, breaking down every trigger, worry, conversation point, and flags.

I also figured out why she bothered me so much from the get go, there were things she deflected / dismissed when talking to me that reminded me a lot of my mother and made me particularly edgy. My emotional buttons were pushed big time.

Apparently I was judging her quite harshly. I also learned a lot about the kind things she does, and a few things she was being considerate about with me that I didnt know about. I am still cautious but less anxious or upset. It helps I haven't seen her in awhile though, so who knows if it will get easier.
I explained it might be that even with my effort, she may just be a toxic personality For Me, and not nessecarily for him, and if that's the case and we reach that point I would end things, I was very clear with him.
I also explained I wouldn't deal in drama, so if this became lots of stress/nightmares/drama for me over a few months then it wouldn't be working for me.
He isn't able to do DADT so,,that's off the table. He is willing to respect my boundaries of Skype being private, and his bdsm with her to stay with her and not cross over to me nessecarily.

All of today with Trip seemed to be about mutual miscommunication, we had many moments of lols over one or both of us misunderstanding each other.
For example he showed up outside my house with flowers and chocolate, and I said, why are you bringing these you aren't in the dog house? Lol
And he goes, isn't it ok to just do nice things for you?

I guess I suck at receiving kindness still. Can't believe that's the first time since a teenager anyone has bought me flowers romantically.
Our communication was soooooo much better than in person.

I decided with peti to wait and see, and try not to frame her as the villain from the outset when I talk to her, and let her own behaviour be the deciding factor, but that I would need to meet her a few more times etc, before the final decision could be made. Much of a moot point right now though because I will be off to holiday for 2 months soon, and I am looking forward to time with just me. Not that I don't adore my guys, but, I just want some r and r, with no pressure or expectations or responsibilities for a bit.

Despite crossed wires it was a restful, fun and good day with trip.

Yesterday I had Irishcoffee over, I realised why I wasn't crazy for him the same way I am trip and rocky, and that's because of his smell. It's the only real reason. I realised he wore the same scent as my ex husband and although slightly different because of his own pheromones, I found it disconcerting today, it made it hard for me to completely relax around him.

Irishcoffee spent the night, my time of the month started so I forewent sexy time with either him or trip. I just wasn't in the mood when I had been so stressed about girls and how the conversation with trip would go.
I learned a lot about both men this weekend.

Both are very good conversationalists, and Both are better at communicating in person. Irishcoffee and I made roasted peppers last night and talked more about moving in. We watched an anime together and laughed at the English dub, as well as the melodrama.

Trip and I communicate very well we just come from very different cultural views which can be difficult to understand the others meanings sometimes. Some good example is he made a joke about moomins, which is a type of white blob cartoon/game character reference and I had no idea what he was talking about.

Then I made a reference to having coconuts instead of a horse (Monty Python and the holy grail reference) and he didn't know that one. So lots of hit and miss humour going on, which in and of its self was quite humourous.

So something's are a sit and wait situation, there's nothing dire with peti, other than my past nightmares that would mean I can't deal with this right now. It's only a matter of do I want to try, and I think I am of the observe and see if my reactions were valid, or if I judged a person for their illness and not their behaviour/who they are. I am willing to admit I am not always right, but trio did not suggest or devalue / invalidate anything I said. In fact he had logical explanations and proof on her character for living with her the past four years that made me realise I am not seeing the whole picture. We shall see.

Mostly I will be judging how I feel when around her in the future, which is a boundary I wasn't sure I was going to agree to, but want to try a few more times, not for my sake but trips. I am having a bit of faith in him.

You may have noticed, in my blog and feelings, I tend to swing from one side of an issue strongly, to the other side. This is because I am quite gentle and humanitarian, wearing my heart on my sleeve type of person.

However I have a strong protective logical side, that is nessecary after years of not protecting myself adequately. I wouldn't say I am jaded but more cautious than I used to be. That side of me is a bit judgemental and harsh in myself and others. There's good and bad sides to that part of me. Healthy skepticism is always good, when it's from paranpoia or anxiety, then it's clouded by emotion and doesn't work properly. I am still not ruling out that this is the case with peti, however, I am also honouring and respecting that my feelings are valid, and that I have a right to not be around someone who I feel in danger or afraid of.

I explained to Trip that I don't hate her, that I am afraid of her, and being hurt by her. So anyway I feel much more peaceful now that nothing bad has happened yet,and our conversation went so well. At the very least I am learning more and more how to communicate clearly, kindly, calmly and to know when to be assertive, when to be kind, when to take more time on an issue, and when to call it quits.
 
Hey! Completely ignoring the interesting and substantive information in your post, I know what the Finn Family Moomintrolls are AND the Holy Grail reference. Am I a multi-cultural geek yet?

Leetah
 
Leetah said:
Hey! Completely ignoring the interesting and substantive information in your post, I know what the Finn Family Moomintrolls are AND the Holy Grail reference. Am I a multi-cultural geek yet?

Leetah
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Haha! You deserve a gold star. Awesome. I can see we would all get along quite well. I am quite the emerging geek myself :D
 
The rain is pouring down in buckets here over most of August. August is doing a really good job of mimicking October here! blackberries are already ripe, squirrels are hiding their nuts for winter, and cold weather and rain are the norm this month. I even pulled out my fall clothes, wellies, and scarves. :rolleyes:

What strange fickle weather England has. Reminds me of myself, strange and fickle. That's why I love it here.
 
starlight1 said:
My period is late. This is not unusual, I have wonky periods. Thinking of trying out the diva cup suggested on the forum here, by Reverie, so I can try to gain some more information on my cycles. Perhaps they come every six to seven weeks instead of four? Either way I think I am pmsing but not sure.
Click to expand...

I use a combination of the Diva Cup and the free iPeriod app to figure out WTF with my body; I never have been clockwork-regular, but it does help me at least have some idea of what's going on and what to expect most of the time, even if once in a while it still goes completely haywire (like this past one).
 
So I finally narrowed down to what course I am doing starting October in open university. I am doing a access to science, tech, maths and IT course to get a feel for the different types of STEM options there are in a basic level, then make a decision based in which area I enjoyed studying the most and could see myself a career in. I will start off part time and move up to full time in FEB or next sept/October. I am super proud of myself for my decision to return to education. I may even be able to find volunteer or internship work that moves into full time employment during my time at OU. So I am very excited I have to say. I finally have a goal.

I am also excited about having a renter, and also, figuring out what to do about Trip/Peti, I am mulling it over my general anxiety still hasn't disspeared about her. I hope it does go away.

In other news, I had Ivy over for two days, she went home last night. We did the spa treatment, it was good fun. We played games, chatted late and I am seeing her again tomorrow.:)

I had Rocky over last night. Bless him he was really unwell with a chest cough and was up and down most the night. I hope he gets some quality rest tonight.
We had a good time together. He is letting me stay the night at his and meet his sister on the 14th then escorting me to my plane since he works at the airport I am going through. ;) I am so proud of him, this is huge. OOOh and he has a date with someone on OKC, he took my advice and wrote on his headline he is in a non monogamous relationship with me. God I love that man and I am so proud of him right now.

I went with him to the doctor today. I pulled my back doing seroc I think, because I have been really not ok with my back since then, thankfully is not a UTI, my doctor thinks it's muscular. All the more reason for them to keep giving me sick notes, which I renewed for another two months.

I heard from Daren on FB, the Canadian man I met in London a few months back. Apparently he wants to meet up when I go to the USA...that's so exciting for me! I hope he can come down and visit. ;)
 
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