Facebook Harassment
- Thread starter KC43
- Start date
That is not ceding control of the situation back over to him to say "Yea" or "Nay"? I mean it seems like you are letting him either try to talk you into continuing at this level of connection or tell you "Yeah, you're right. It is not going to work, bye."
My thought has been that maybe you are not crazy enough for him to be in an romantic relationship with but you might be able to have a decent friendship once he is done with the current GF. That is, if you can achieve enough distance not to be mad at him for messing your life up with his messed up choices.
leetah
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Being one of the yoga people you derided, I am just going to say that the purpose of pulling back from emotional hornets nests is NOT to go live in a cave, egotistically ignoring the pain of others. The purpose of yoga (for me) is to maintain my well being so that I can be present - present and with people in a stable, caring, positive way. Acting to "fix" situations that I don't have perspective on, that I feel anxious about, that bring me further upset when I come closer, does not serve anyone - neither the people involved nor myself. Far from being an emotionally removed "navel gazer," I am very involved with my friends, family and community. Yoga is my way, but in whatever way a person can bring themselves to be present and at peace, this is the way of true and lasting positive influence.
He definitely goes for the "broken bird" type. He's said as much himself.
I can see what you mean about how saying I'm willing to discuss it might seem like I'm giving him control, but I don't see it or mean it that way. It's more that I don't like completely closing doors unless I know there's no other option, so that's my way of letting him know the door isn't completely closed. He won't want to discuss it. I know him too well. If this is what I say I need to have happen, he won't try to change my mind.
And honestly, with me mentioning emotional abuse in reference to his girlfriend's behavior, even though I clarify that I'm not saying *she* is being abusive only that it reminds me of the emotional abuse *I* went through, and with me reminding him how hurt I was by his actions and dishonesty, he might be too pissed off to talk to me at all after he reads the email.
Which I still haven't sent, because indecisiveness... and because I'm going to have to text him to tell him I sent the email, because he doesn't check his email unless he knows there's something there. (It isn't his main email account; he wouldn't let me have that email address because he was afraid that somehow, someone would find an email from me to him and figure out that he was dating a married woman, and the entire world would implode...) So I'll then have to wait for him to respond to the text *and* the email, which is going to make me anxious again. Because of that, I agree with PinkPig that maybe I shouldn't say anything... but then I feel like I'm taking the coward's way out, which is what S2 did for so long that made me so hurt and angry with him.
I can see what you mean about how saying I'm willing to discuss it might seem like I'm giving him control, but I don't see it or mean it that way. It's more that I don't like completely closing doors unless I know there's no other option, so that's my way of letting him know the door isn't completely closed. He won't want to discuss it. I know him too well. If this is what I say I need to have happen, he won't try to change my mind.
And honestly, with me mentioning emotional abuse in reference to his girlfriend's behavior, even though I clarify that I'm not saying *she* is being abusive only that it reminds me of the emotional abuse *I* went through, and with me reminding him how hurt I was by his actions and dishonesty, he might be too pissed off to talk to me at all after he reads the email.
Which I still haven't sent, because indecisiveness... and because I'm going to have to text him to tell him I sent the email, because he doesn't check his email unless he knows there's something there. (It isn't his main email account; he wouldn't let me have that email address because he was afraid that somehow, someone would find an email from me to him and figure out that he was dating a married woman, and the entire world would implode...) So I'll then have to wait for him to respond to the text *and* the email, which is going to make me anxious again. Because of that, I agree with PinkPig that maybe I shouldn't say anything... but then I feel like I'm taking the coward's way out, which is what S2 did for so long that made me so hurt and angry with him.
Last edited:
opalescent
Active member
I do this thing when I have a break up (it doesn't matter if I ended things or was the one dumped). I have no contact at all - not in person, or over the phone, text, or any social media - with the other person for 40 days. I do this so I have a chance to reset myself, and my expectations and emotions around that person while getting a break from their presence in my life.
It's a long enough time frame to be useful but not so long as to be a burden if one wants to remain friends in the long term. And I've found it incredibly helpful in allowing me to remain friends with exes. (Fortunately none of my exes have been abusive or otherwise behaved poorly towards me so I wanted to be friends.)
Anyway, you might a break from S2 to be really necessary for your peace of mind right now. Give yourself time to sort out things emotionally and get some distance. That distance is essential to being friends afterwards, at least for me. It doesn't really matter that the catalyst may be this clusterfuck with the stalker and his girlfriend. (It's a clusterfuck because of the actions and reactions of *others*, not you. Don't doubt that.)
S2 and I went 20-something days with almost no contact after we broke up. I did text him about a week later to make sure he was still okay with me using a song he'd already given me to use, but that was it until I asked if he was ready to talk.
Probably should have been longer, though...
Probably should have been longer, though...
MrFarFromRight
Banned
I wasn't deriding Yoga/Pilates or Yoga/Pilates people per se. and I certainly wouldn't deride YOU. I have appreciated your input elsewhere on this forum.
Not knowing the background to this situation and reading that 3 people were in pain (perhaps the one most in pain being S2's GF), knowing that it bothered KC43 to turn her back on S2 and the GF, I wrote that [in that particular circumstance] to use Yoga or Pilates to calm down (read: silence) her concerns for others would be wrong.
If we all had to read ALL the former posts of EVERYBODY on this site before trying to offer useful advice, we'd have no other life outside of http://www.polyamory.com
I quote myself (this time with bold italics):
To see this as deriding you is - I believe - taking the belly-button quip out of context.
Having read more aspects of the dynamic, I then changed my opinion and advised her to "Walk away. (Not from him, but from this situation.)" Not only because that is best for her, but best for all concerned. Having read her subsequent post about the e-mail that she sent to "Hubby" for his opinion, I thought that I had posted a further - even further distanced from my original posts - comment. It appears now that I was looking at it in "Preview Post" and that window got closed (and its content thrown away) when I lent my laptop to a friend for a few minutes.
That thrown-away post advised her to distance herself from S2, advised her to send the e-mail. Using an earlier comment
, I wrote: "But there's a BIG difference between holding out a friendly hand to somebody in pain and becoming a crutch to somebody who needs to learn to walk without one."
I also wrote: If he dumped you for being too clingy,
a) prove to him that you aren't anymore;
b) let him enjoy the clinginess of a new GF who won't allow him to have any close female friends aside from herself.
And: If he refused to read a thread that was IMPORTANT to you,
if he refused to allow you to meet his new GF,
then he is shutting you out.
No point pounding on that door.
He didn't break up with me for being too clingy, nor did he ever say *I* was clingy at all. (In fact, he constantly told me the opposite, that I gave him exactly the balance of time with me and time alone that he needed.) He just expressed a distaste for clingy women in general.
He broke up with me after three months of knowing he didn't have romantic feelings for me, three months during which he consistently refused to actually end the relationship and kept telling me the lack of feelings was probably just temporary because of stress he was dealing with. He broke up with me the day after his first date with his now-girlfriend.
There was dishonesty involved on his part--some of which he owned up to just before we broke up. I should have ended it well before he did, but I was operating under two promises I had made to him, and I never break promises. I won't say the word "promise" at all unless I know it's something I'll be able to keep. If I had broken up with him, I would have broken both of those promises, and I couldn't do that even though it cost me a lot emotionally to keep them. And even though, when he realized how hard it was for me, he TOLD ME not to keep promises that were hurting me. I don't break promises no matter what.
He refused to let me meet his girlfriend *for now* because he doesn't believe she would be able to handle meeting me, or respond appropriately to doing so, because of her baggage from previous relationships. And again, he refused to read the threads on here because he didn't want to risk intruding on my privacy. With the thread I asked him to read and he refused, I wrote him a letter that had the highlights in it. He *did* read that. He just didn't want to come to this forum.
(Yes, I still defend him. I still care about him. I just can't handle the current situation.)
He broke up with me after three months of knowing he didn't have romantic feelings for me, three months during which he consistently refused to actually end the relationship and kept telling me the lack of feelings was probably just temporary because of stress he was dealing with. He broke up with me the day after his first date with his now-girlfriend.
There was dishonesty involved on his part--some of which he owned up to just before we broke up. I should have ended it well before he did, but I was operating under two promises I had made to him, and I never break promises. I won't say the word "promise" at all unless I know it's something I'll be able to keep. If I had broken up with him, I would have broken both of those promises, and I couldn't do that even though it cost me a lot emotionally to keep them. And even though, when he realized how hard it was for me, he TOLD ME not to keep promises that were hurting me. I don't break promises no matter what.
He refused to let me meet his girlfriend *for now* because he doesn't believe she would be able to handle meeting me, or respond appropriately to doing so, because of her baggage from previous relationships. And again, he refused to read the threads on here because he didn't want to risk intruding on my privacy. With the thread I asked him to read and he refused, I wrote him a letter that had the highlights in it. He *did* read that. He just didn't want to come to this forum.
(Yes, I still defend him. I still care about him. I just can't handle the current situation.)
Last edited:
Good for you. Glad you sent it.
FWIW, I you called it right -- you haven't had enough time since the summer break up to adjust being in the role of "his friend and ex." 20 something days was not long enough. I am glad to hear you sent the email and are taking the time now that you realize you needed to have a longer break first.
Doing things to DE-escalate seem good to me right now. So kudos there:
All good stuff. And this time you made the decision in a day. Compared to several days like last time. You are becoming more decisive. Kudos!
I wanted to lift this bit up to you:
Yes. Learn to meet your needs first. That is why I encouraged you to step back from it. You were letting yourself get too sucked into it at the expense of your own well being. Caring for people is one thing, selling YOU short is another.
I am concerned that you are too "people pleaser" from fear of being blamed that everything in the world is all your fault. (Past belief that is limiting you today.)
You then live in an anxious, hyper vigilant state trying "over care" people and predict when they might feel yucky to ward it off ahead of time so they don't blame you for it. Trying to control the world around you so people don't act out at you and you can finally feel safe and free from blame. That is an exhausting world view. As you are finding out.
Easier to just NOT do that stuff. If they blame you and you did not do it? Say no. "I see you blaming me. I do not accept it. I did not do it. You are having outburst at me. Stop. Please handle your emotional management more appropriately. " Hand the baggage back to them rather than taking it on board yourself like it is your job somehow. It is not. It is their job to do their own emotional management. They keep having cows? You can choose not to hang with these people any more. YOU get to choose who you hang with.
I encourage you to be ok having sent the email telling him you need a longer break before trying to be friends again. It was too soon. Mistakes in judgement happen -- you are correcting it to get what YOU need now. That's fine to do. So go ahead and be ok taking more time apart to heal and to adjust. THEN decide if you want to work him back into your life as a "friend and ex" role or not. You jumped the gun trying to do it too soon.
Well, if you decided you just want him to be "ex" and not "friend and ex" that is your choice to make at that FUTURE point in time. He will feel whatever he feels about it at that FUTURE point in time. That part is not your job -- his emotional management is his job. It's for him to deal with. Not yours. IF he tries to fob it on you, you can say NO. Not my job. Not my stuff.
So right now? Could focus more on the PRESENT. Not the past or the future. Just the here and now. In order to do your self care and reduce your anxiety wobble.
DEESCALATE.
Not everyone has to like your choices. But YOU do. So choose what is best for YOU in the PRESENT situation. I think backing off from it is best so you are less agitated over it. And if people feel what they feel -- ok. They are allowed. That's their stuff.
Again... try to be more "my stuff - your stuff" in your approach. See if you are more able to reduce the anxiety by taking it one day at a time.
Let go of past stuff that does not serve you well today.
Don't be in a rush to take on board future stuff prematurely. What to see if they even are a thing first.
Keep your "today load" more even keel. Your anxiety management is your stuff to be doing.
HTH!
Galagirl
FWIW, I you called it right -- you haven't had enough time since the summer break up to adjust being in the role of "his friend and ex." 20 something days was not long enough. I am glad to hear you sent the email and are taking the time now that you realize you needed to have a longer break first.
Doing things to DE-escalate seem good to me right now. So kudos there:
- You talked to S2 and he reassured you he doesn't blame you for X being a jerk and sending anon FB weirdo.
- You took down the vlog so X cannot use it again.
- You are letting S2's problems with his GF be his to deal with.
- You had hubby read your email to make sure it wasn't hot headed before sending it.
- You emailed S2 to tell him you are taking a break to give you more time to heal from the break up and him space to deal with him and his GF's FB stalker problem.
All good stuff. And this time you made the decision in a day. Compared to several days like last time. You are becoming more decisive. Kudos!
I wanted to lift this bit up to you:
Yes. Learn to meet your needs first. That is why I encouraged you to step back from it. You were letting yourself get too sucked into it at the expense of your own well being. Caring for people is one thing, selling YOU short is another.
I am concerned that you are too "people pleaser" from fear of being blamed that everything in the world is all your fault. (Past belief that is limiting you today.)
You then live in an anxious, hyper vigilant state trying "over care" people and predict when they might feel yucky to ward it off ahead of time so they don't blame you for it. Trying to control the world around you so people don't act out at you and you can finally feel safe and free from blame. That is an exhausting world view. As you are finding out.
Easier to just NOT do that stuff. If they blame you and you did not do it? Say no. "I see you blaming me. I do not accept it. I did not do it. You are having outburst at me. Stop. Please handle your emotional management more appropriately. " Hand the baggage back to them rather than taking it on board yourself like it is your job somehow. It is not. It is their job to do their own emotional management. They keep having cows? You can choose not to hang with these people any more. YOU get to choose who you hang with.
I encourage you to be ok having sent the email telling him you need a longer break before trying to be friends again. It was too soon. Mistakes in judgement happen -- you are correcting it to get what YOU need now. That's fine to do. So go ahead and be ok taking more time apart to heal and to adjust. THEN decide if you want to work him back into your life as a "friend and ex" role or not. You jumped the gun trying to do it too soon.
Well, if you decided you just want him to be "ex" and not "friend and ex" that is your choice to make at that FUTURE point in time. He will feel whatever he feels about it at that FUTURE point in time. That part is not your job -- his emotional management is his job. It's for him to deal with. Not yours. IF he tries to fob it on you, you can say NO. Not my job. Not my stuff.
So right now? Could focus more on the PRESENT. Not the past or the future. Just the here and now. In order to do your self care and reduce your anxiety wobble.
DEESCALATE.
Not everyone has to like your choices. But YOU do. So choose what is best for YOU in the PRESENT situation. I think backing off from it is best so you are less agitated over it. And if people feel what they feel -- ok. They are allowed. That's their stuff.
Again... try to be more "my stuff - your stuff" in your approach. See if you are more able to reduce the anxiety by taking it one day at a time.
Let go of past stuff that does not serve you well today.
Don't be in a rush to take on board future stuff prematurely. What to see if they even are a thing first.
Keep your "today load" more even keel. Your anxiety management is your stuff to be doing.
HTH!
Galagirl
Last edited:
vinsanity0
Active member
Personally, just being drawn into drama that really has nothing to do with me would be cause enough to walk the other way. Who needs that?
MrFarFromRight
Banned
For the record: I have now come around to agreeing with everything that GalaGirl says in that last post of hers.
Thanks, GalaGirl.
I actually don't have any second thoughts about the email at all, and I feel stronger and healthier than I have in quite a while because I did actually take control and make a decision based on my needs instead of my fears or someone else's needs.
Based on a number of things S2 told me, I think his girlfriend is being emotionally abusive, or at the very least very manipulative, toward him. Threatening things like "I'll break up with you in a hot second if anyone in your life upsets me" and saying things like "I have a horrible past so you have to prove you aren't like everyone else"... blaming him for other people's actions (the messages and my posting the vlog)...telling him if other people mention him on social media she thinks he's going to break up with her... those are HUGE red flags as far as I'm concerned. I'm trying not to think about it, because the more I think about it, the more worried I am for him.
It isn't my problem. If she is being abusive to him, that isn't HIS fault, but it seems to me that by caving to her demands that he tell me not to ever mention him online again, and that he tell me to take down the band's Facebook page because his name is on it along with mine, and by trying to "fix" her by proving he isn't like the people in her past... he isn't causing the abuse, and he isn't to blame for it happening, but he's enabling her behavior in some ways. I can't figure out how to say that without sounding like I'm victim-blaming, so I hope people understand what I mean. He isn't making her or letting her behave that way, but he's making it easier for her to do, and he's showing her that it's acceptable.
I'm speaking as someone who has experienced emotional abuse from several sources, including two relationship partners, and who has witnessed two friends trying to extricate themselves from emotionally abusive relationships. I might be overly sensitive to anything that even slightly smacks of abuse, but I see what I see. And I know better than to say anything about it to someone who's involved with a person who has already told him that I'm trying to destroy their relationship and that if I keep causing problems she'll dump him. At this point, if I fully expressed my concerns to him, he would see it as her being right about me fucking with the relationship, and he would cut me out of his life entirely.
Hopefully, by saying I *perceive* her behavior as being similar to my ex-husband's (S2 knows everything about my first marriage), but minimizing it by saying my PTSD may be playing a role in my perception, I've planted the seeds for him to recognize the unhealthy aspects of the relationship while still seeing me as a friend and ally. I told him that I don't consider the friendship over, and that I am here for him if and when he needs me, but that it's better for both of us right now if we aren't in touch.
I also told him that I hope that will be a temporary thing... and, though I'm sure some of you will think I shouldn't have done this, I told him that this time the ball is in his court to restore contact if and when he decides it's okay to do so. I can't, because I won't know when or if things stabilize--or end--with his current relationship. He's going to have to act instead of reacting if he wants to keep the friendship, and I'm okay with that, because I'm at a place right now where I feel like I've FINALLY clearly seen his priorities and personality... and I don't like what I see. I couldn't see it before because I was too emotionally close to the situation, even when several of you tried to point it out to me; that's a flaw in *my* personality. But now I am seeing it. If he reaches out to me in the future because he wants or needs my friendship again, I'll be there. I don't turn my back completely on people I care about. But if he never reaches out to me, so be it.
Meanwhile, I'm working on letting go of my concerns about him and his relationship. I don't have any qualms at all about cutting contact again; there is no question in my mind that it needed to happen, and in addition to being a hellalot healthier for me, having done this is making me feel far more ready to move forward with Boots. I've gotten the answers I needed from S2 to aid in my healing from that relationship, and I've gotten the closure I needed by being the one to cut the ties this time around instead of doing what I did before and just hanging back to see what S2 would do. So bonus points to me.
I actually don't have any second thoughts about the email at all, and I feel stronger and healthier than I have in quite a while because I did actually take control and make a decision based on my needs instead of my fears or someone else's needs.
Based on a number of things S2 told me, I think his girlfriend is being emotionally abusive, or at the very least very manipulative, toward him. Threatening things like "I'll break up with you in a hot second if anyone in your life upsets me" and saying things like "I have a horrible past so you have to prove you aren't like everyone else"... blaming him for other people's actions (the messages and my posting the vlog)...telling him if other people mention him on social media she thinks he's going to break up with her... those are HUGE red flags as far as I'm concerned. I'm trying not to think about it, because the more I think about it, the more worried I am for him.
It isn't my problem. If she is being abusive to him, that isn't HIS fault, but it seems to me that by caving to her demands that he tell me not to ever mention him online again, and that he tell me to take down the band's Facebook page because his name is on it along with mine, and by trying to "fix" her by proving he isn't like the people in her past... he isn't causing the abuse, and he isn't to blame for it happening, but he's enabling her behavior in some ways. I can't figure out how to say that without sounding like I'm victim-blaming, so I hope people understand what I mean. He isn't making her or letting her behave that way, but he's making it easier for her to do, and he's showing her that it's acceptable.
I'm speaking as someone who has experienced emotional abuse from several sources, including two relationship partners, and who has witnessed two friends trying to extricate themselves from emotionally abusive relationships. I might be overly sensitive to anything that even slightly smacks of abuse, but I see what I see. And I know better than to say anything about it to someone who's involved with a person who has already told him that I'm trying to destroy their relationship and that if I keep causing problems she'll dump him. At this point, if I fully expressed my concerns to him, he would see it as her being right about me fucking with the relationship, and he would cut me out of his life entirely.
Hopefully, by saying I *perceive* her behavior as being similar to my ex-husband's (S2 knows everything about my first marriage), but minimizing it by saying my PTSD may be playing a role in my perception, I've planted the seeds for him to recognize the unhealthy aspects of the relationship while still seeing me as a friend and ally. I told him that I don't consider the friendship over, and that I am here for him if and when he needs me, but that it's better for both of us right now if we aren't in touch.
I also told him that I hope that will be a temporary thing... and, though I'm sure some of you will think I shouldn't have done this, I told him that this time the ball is in his court to restore contact if and when he decides it's okay to do so. I can't, because I won't know when or if things stabilize--or end--with his current relationship. He's going to have to act instead of reacting if he wants to keep the friendship, and I'm okay with that, because I'm at a place right now where I feel like I've FINALLY clearly seen his priorities and personality... and I don't like what I see. I couldn't see it before because I was too emotionally close to the situation, even when several of you tried to point it out to me; that's a flaw in *my* personality. But now I am seeing it. If he reaches out to me in the future because he wants or needs my friendship again, I'll be there. I don't turn my back completely on people I care about. But if he never reaches out to me, so be it.
Meanwhile, I'm working on letting go of my concerns about him and his relationship. I don't have any qualms at all about cutting contact again; there is no question in my mind that it needed to happen, and in addition to being a hellalot healthier for me, having done this is making me feel far more ready to move forward with Boots. I've gotten the answers I needed from S2 to aid in my healing from that relationship, and I've gotten the closure I needed by being the one to cut the ties this time around instead of doing what I did before and just hanging back to see what S2 would do. So bonus points to me.
Last edited:
Good for you.
Yep, stand back from this situation. They are best off with professionals if they are dealing in complex things like abuse, enabling behavior, etc. in their dynamic. Not your job.
You have articulated clearly to yourself what your current job/focus is:
So stick with it.
GL!
Galagirl
Yep, stand back from this situation. They are best off with professionals if they are dealing in complex things like abuse, enabling behavior, etc. in their dynamic. Not your job.
You have articulated clearly to yourself what your current job/focus is:
- I'm working on letting go of my concerns about him and his relationship.
- I don't have any qualms at all about cutting contact again; there is no question in my mind that it needed to happen.
- it is a hellalot healthier for me
- having done this is making me feel far more ready to move forward with Boots.
So stick with it.
GL!
Galagirl
Last edited:
opalescent
Active member
Sounds like you've done what you can do, both for yourself and for S2.
S2 does not deserve abuse, if that is what is occurring here. (I suspect your instincts may be right. I wondered at how quickly she threatened to break up over the FB situation.)
But we do tend to attract partners that have something we need to learn. S2, who never wanted to hurt anyone, may be seeing someone who gets hurt by everything, and expects others to fix her pain. Maybe he can figure some things out in this relationship. I hope so, and that it is not too damaging.
S2 does not deserve abuse, if that is what is occurring here. (I suspect your instincts may be right. I wondered at how quickly she threatened to break up over the FB situation.)
But we do tend to attract partners that have something we need to learn. S2, who never wanted to hurt anyone, may be seeing someone who gets hurt by everything, and expects others to fix her pain. Maybe he can figure some things out in this relationship. I hope so, and that it is not too damaging.
IndieSolo
Active member
How someone can misconstrue a public thank-you to another for all the help and support they've given as something to be jealous of, and a reason to go ballistic just because it came from an ex, is beyond me. Way, way beyond me.
Yeah, I'd say putting some distance between you is a good idea. This way, you won't always have to strategize all your interactions with him, if you don't have to interact at all for a good long while.
Yeah, I'd say putting some distance between you is a good idea. This way, you won't always have to strategize all your interactions with him, if you don't have to interact at all for a good long while.
Last edited:
Cyndie, exactly. And sadly, because of my own experiences, I *can* see how she misconstrued the video. It was partly because I mentioned the friendship with S2, as well as the things he's done for me career-wise, and because I said I was glad to have him back in my life as a friend.
But it was also because she *chose* to see it the way she saw it. She is choosing to make other people responsible for her feelings and behavior. Instead of saying "I had some really bad experiences that left me hurt and traumatized, and I need to work on them", she's saying, "I had bad experiences and that was everyone else's fault, so now YOU need to work on MY problems and not cause more."
I did the first one. I recognized the destruction my past had caused me and could potentially caused for others, and I made the choice to get help, to learn to recognize my triggers, and to speak calmly to my partners about those triggers when I *wasn't* in a triggery situation as well as to try to clearly explain--without blaming them--when something they did triggered me. I've always made it clear to people that my behavior and reactions to them are MINE to own, and that there are things they can do to *help me* manage my behavior and reactions, but that it's MY job to actually manage them.
My philosophy has always been "I went through hell, why would I want to put anyone else through it when I know how it feels?" Apparently hers is "I went through hell, and anyone in my life had better make sure I don't go through it again no matter what I have to do to make them do that and no matter how they feel."
And unfortunately S2 has been through his own kind of hell, and tends to think "I went through hell and I handle it and want to fix other people's hells."
But it was also because she *chose* to see it the way she saw it. She is choosing to make other people responsible for her feelings and behavior. Instead of saying "I had some really bad experiences that left me hurt and traumatized, and I need to work on them", she's saying, "I had bad experiences and that was everyone else's fault, so now YOU need to work on MY problems and not cause more."
I did the first one. I recognized the destruction my past had caused me and could potentially caused for others, and I made the choice to get help, to learn to recognize my triggers, and to speak calmly to my partners about those triggers when I *wasn't* in a triggery situation as well as to try to clearly explain--without blaming them--when something they did triggered me. I've always made it clear to people that my behavior and reactions to them are MINE to own, and that there are things they can do to *help me* manage my behavior and reactions, but that it's MY job to actually manage them.
My philosophy has always been "I went through hell, why would I want to put anyone else through it when I know how it feels?" Apparently hers is "I went through hell, and anyone in my life had better make sure I don't go through it again no matter what I have to do to make them do that and no matter how they feel."
And unfortunately S2 has been through his own kind of hell, and tends to think "I went through hell and I handle it and want to fix other people's hells."
Last edited:
Can I just take this opportunity to express how very much I loathe Facebook? 
Facebook with all its nasty little games and its cornucopia of privacy breaches.
KC43, work with the power you have. The only power you have in this situation is to give or withhold attention (to the person who did this to you). Withhold attention. Don't let the person know they got to you and hurt you. If they don't get that satisfaction, they might get bored and quit.
The one other thing you can do is tell S2 what happened, and you've already done that. You don't have the power to convince his girlfriend to keep him. I think it would be extreme of her to dump him over this, but regardless of what you and I think, the power dump him is hers, and he signed up for her policies. So, work with the power you have, and let the Universe sort out the rest.
I want to affirm that this isn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. It's whoever sent that message (to S2's girlfriend) is the one who did all the damage. Even if S2's girlfriend blames you, you must not blame yourself. We can't guard against every possible thing that might happen in life.
Reminds me of the movie "Apollo 13," the part where an argument broke out over whether the one astronaut had checked the reading on the fateful oxygen tank before he gave it a stir. The damage was done and it was anyone's guess whether any of the astronauts would have checked the tank reading before giving it a stir. And in the final analysis, it was determined that the explosion was the cause of a defective part, nothing more. Certainly not astronaut error.
Re (from FallenAngelina):
Well said!
Re (from KC43):
Haha, that's what happened to me with prayer. Oh well, spending time with my cat still makes me feel better.
Facebook with all its nasty little games and its cornucopia of privacy breaches.KC43, work with the power you have. The only power you have in this situation is to give or withhold attention (to the person who did this to you). Withhold attention. Don't let the person know they got to you and hurt you. If they don't get that satisfaction, they might get bored and quit.
The one other thing you can do is tell S2 what happened, and you've already done that. You don't have the power to convince his girlfriend to keep him. I think it would be extreme of her to dump him over this, but regardless of what you and I think, the power dump him is hers, and he signed up for her policies. So, work with the power you have, and let the Universe sort out the rest.
I want to affirm that this isn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. It's whoever sent that message (to S2's girlfriend) is the one who did all the damage. Even if S2's girlfriend blames you, you must not blame yourself. We can't guard against every possible thing that might happen in life.
Reminds me of the movie "Apollo 13," the part where an argument broke out over whether the one astronaut had checked the reading on the fateful oxygen tank before he gave it a stir. The damage was done and it was anyone's guess whether any of the astronauts would have checked the tank reading before giving it a stir. And in the final analysis, it was determined that the explosion was the cause of a defective part, nothing more. Certainly not astronaut error.
Re (from FallenAngelina):
Well said!
Re (from KC43):
Haha, that's what happened to me with prayer. Oh well, spending time with my cat still makes me feel better.
Thanks, Kevin. Facebook has its uses (as an author, it's my primary way of connecting with my readers), but there are definitely downsides as well.
I haven't heard anything from S2, nor do I expect to. I told him he's the one who's going to have to restore contact this time, if and when he's ready, but I'm pretty sure he won't. Even when we were together, he almost never initiated contact with me, and if his relationship with this girlfriend continues, she won't want him to be in touch with me anyway.
I will be emailing him at the end of October, if I don't hear from him sooner, to settle out issues about our band, mainly that I've decided to keep the name and look for other musicians on my own and that I want legal rights to the songs I wrote. He said a couple of times that as far as he's concerned, those songs are mine despite his having composed the guitar parts, but I want that in writing now given the circumstances. Needing to get the band stuff resolved is the only reason I'm willing to communicate with him at this point.
I've realized he isn't going to change. For him, I'm always going to be the optional friend. The one he claims to see as a soulmate but tosses aside as soon as something shinier comes along. And I'm not willing to have that position in his life. I told him when we met that I'm no one's backup plan and no one's second choice; since he has now chosen his girlfriend over our friendship twice, he's done in my life. Unless he does contact me and I get too softhearted again, which is always a possibility. I hate giving up on people, but then again, he gave up on me first.
I'm not blaming myself for the message now. My only "wrong" action was not telling him about the vlog ahead of time, which would have given him the opportunity to tell me whether or not he was okay with me posting it. Everything that happened afterward, you're right... not my fault, not my responsibility.
So now I'm sifting through the damage from my relationship with him to try to move forward with Boots. Some of S2's behavior, and my finding out how little he deserved the trust I put in him, is impacting my ability to believe some of the things Boots says, and my ability to trust my own perceptions of what Boots says and does. This wasn't something I fully realized all at once; I'm seeing it in specific situations where I wonder why I'm reacting the way I am and then realize it's because of something S2 said or did in a similar situation that from *him* wasn't honest. I'm working on it, and trying to keep that impact only in my head and not have it come through in my interactions with Boots, because Boots shares my dislike of dishonesty and I don't have any reason to believe he wouldn't be honest. It isn't fair to him if I keep doubting him because of S2, so I'm trying hard not to do that.
I haven't heard anything from S2, nor do I expect to. I told him he's the one who's going to have to restore contact this time, if and when he's ready, but I'm pretty sure he won't. Even when we were together, he almost never initiated contact with me, and if his relationship with this girlfriend continues, she won't want him to be in touch with me anyway.
I will be emailing him at the end of October, if I don't hear from him sooner, to settle out issues about our band, mainly that I've decided to keep the name and look for other musicians on my own and that I want legal rights to the songs I wrote. He said a couple of times that as far as he's concerned, those songs are mine despite his having composed the guitar parts, but I want that in writing now given the circumstances. Needing to get the band stuff resolved is the only reason I'm willing to communicate with him at this point.
I've realized he isn't going to change. For him, I'm always going to be the optional friend. The one he claims to see as a soulmate but tosses aside as soon as something shinier comes along. And I'm not willing to have that position in his life. I told him when we met that I'm no one's backup plan and no one's second choice; since he has now chosen his girlfriend over our friendship twice, he's done in my life. Unless he does contact me and I get too softhearted again, which is always a possibility. I hate giving up on people, but then again, he gave up on me first.
I'm not blaming myself for the message now. My only "wrong" action was not telling him about the vlog ahead of time, which would have given him the opportunity to tell me whether or not he was okay with me posting it. Everything that happened afterward, you're right... not my fault, not my responsibility.
So now I'm sifting through the damage from my relationship with him to try to move forward with Boots. Some of S2's behavior, and my finding out how little he deserved the trust I put in him, is impacting my ability to believe some of the things Boots says, and my ability to trust my own perceptions of what Boots says and does. This wasn't something I fully realized all at once; I'm seeing it in specific situations where I wonder why I'm reacting the way I am and then realize it's because of something S2 said or did in a similar situation that from *him* wasn't honest. I'm working on it, and trying to keep that impact only in my head and not have it come through in my interactions with Boots, because Boots shares my dislike of dishonesty and I don't have any reason to believe he wouldn't be honest. It isn't fair to him if I keep doubting him because of S2, so I'm trying hard not to do that.
Last edited: