FWB experiment ripping marriage apart

The reasoning she's providing you sounds odd to me. Could she be grasping at anything and everything to avoid simply saying she will not accept you having the power to tell her she has to end her relationship with the boyfriend? You want her to be happy, healthy and fulfilled. She should want the same for you. Maybe stop talking about what you think she needs to do and move to conversations about what she needs in her life and what you need. Then you can move forward with how does each of you get it . A little more positive approach where no one shows up defensive.
 
PolyinMT said:
The reasoning she's providing you sounds odd to me. Could she be grasping at anything and everything to avoid simply saying she will not accept you having the power to tell her she has to end her relationship with the boyfriend? You want her to be happy, healthy and fulfilled. She should want the same for you. Maybe stop talking about what you think she needs to do and move to conversations about what she needs in her life and what you need. Then you can move forward with how does each of you get it . A little more positive approach where no one shows up defensive.
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I'm not quite sure how that would lead to any resolution. She wants total freedom - it's clear she's wanted that since the beginning, since her epiphany, since suggesting the bf/gf experiment and agreeing the ground rules for it.

I'm still on that journey - still moving along a road that could lead me to the same "zen" state, but might not. Don't I have the right to travel that road at a pace of my choosing?

I feel that I've been giving as much as I can, growing as I become more comfortable, but it's been 3 steps forward, 2 steps back each time she pushes my boundaries - ok, tramples all over them.

We've argued more this past 12 months, since this all began, than before. And almost all of those fights follow a pattern - she changes something up without discussion, I take it badly, she tells me that I should make things easy, I ask why she can't let me grow at a pace I'm comfortable with and then... well, DEFCON 5!!

Her arguments center around how "she makes it easy for me"... etc.

She won't acknowledge the cause and is using the fights to support her "married life is boring" assertion.

I've tried to encourage her to do everything, anything she needs/wants. Never stood in her way. I seriously dont think I could do anymore, short of saying "go and do whatever you please" and then deciding how the hell I find happiness for me and my son. :(
 
Has she completely checked out of the marriage? If so, that sucks and you are right. There is no resolution cause she's not trying. A relationship can't function if only half of the parties involved are present and working on it.
 
JustBob said:
I've tried to encourage her to do everything, anything she needs/wants. Never stood in her way. I seriously dont think I could do anymore, short of saying "go and do whatever you please" and then deciding how the hell I find happiness for me and my son. :(
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then what are you fighting about if she's already getting her way as you are encouraging her to do everythng that she wants and needs and never stood in her way? Isn't he married too? what does his wife think of him spending all his time with your wife?
 
PolyinMT said:
Has she completely checked out of the marriage? If so, that sucks and you are right. There is no resolution cause she's not trying. A relationship can't function if only half of the parties involved are present and working on it.
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But has she checked out, or is he pushing her away with all the negativity?
 
Inyourendo said:
I would absolutely love for his wife to join the conversation since it's about her behavior, maybe seeing from other people and getting feedback would be helpful
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I would as well, because this seems very one-sided. I'm not buying everything the husband says. Perhaps because I am clouded by my past.
 
Magdlyn said:
Yes, you have a right to your feelings and your voice, but the 3rd one is a needle scratch. You don't have a "right" to "say stop" if that means telling her she has to stop seeing her bf, or to stop being poly. You do have a right to seek counseling to improve your communication skills, or to empower you to leave the marriage if it is no longer serving your needs.

...What do you mean by "your journey," exactly? And btw, where does your gf come in, in all this? Is she filling needs of yours in any good beneficial way, that helps you keep your calm as your wife is exploring new love territory?

...So, she is a stay at home mom to a kid who is 5... he's becoming more independent, he is probably in at least half time kindergarten, she isn't making platonic friends... bf is filling up a lot of her time.

What would you like to have happen to make this easier on you? Besides telling her to stop? I asked that before. Do you need more dates with her? How often is she gone when you are home? Do you not see enough of her? Is she distracted when she is with you? Is this just NRE or will this continue? Will she get a 2nd bf when the newness of this one wears off? Do you like him, do you guys ever hang out, either as a threesome, or you and him hanging doing guy stuff?
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vinsanity0 said:
... this seems very one-sided. I'm not buying everything the husband says.
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Yes, he seems unable to think or speak to the specific problem, since he refuses to answer my questions about her wishes and behavior, and his wishes, needs, manner of communication ("fights" for 12 months doesnt sound too good), or his behaviors. Does he spend too much time doing childcare while wife is off with bf? Does he have a productive nurturing relationship with his own gf? We don't know. He's stonewalling us (as well as his wife?).
 
FallenAngelina said:
I have a feeling that there is a lot more to this story and it's not necessarily that the wife isn't loving. It always takes two to fight for months on end and partners rarely barrel into town and just lay down the law suddenly and coldly. This is all from one side, which is valid (and I guess almost every thread is limited to that) but I sure would be interested to hear her perspective on all of this. I can relate to your wife in many ways, Bob, and I am certainly not unloving or unhealthy or uncommunicative or a bully. I'm not meaning to point a finger, but I do think you'd benefit from taking a lot more responsibility for your part in how your marriage is evolving.
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Quoting myself from page 2 :p
 
JustBob said:
I'm not quite sure how that would lead to any resolution. She wants total freedom - it's clear she's wanted that since the beginning, since her epiphany, since suggesting the bf/gf experiment and agreeing the ground rules for it.

I'm still on that journey - still moving along a road that could lead me to the same "zen" state, but might not. Don't I have the right to travel that road at a pace of my choosing?

...

I've tried to encourage her to do everything, anything she needs/wants. Never stood in her way. I seriously dont think I could do anymore, short of saying "go and do whatever you please" and then deciding how the hell I find happiness for me and my son. :(
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If this is all true, then there should be no problem. As long as there were an agreed-upon amount of time spend with your son, and an agreed-upon amount of time that the two of you are spending on YOUR relationship, then...what's the problem?

Your wife can have a lot freedom for herself, and go out and do whatever she wants (date multiple guys, have casual sex, whatever), as long as she holds up her obligations to the family.

And you can move slowly, and proceed at a completely different pace in terms of dating/seriousness of partners/how many partners/etc.

Neither of these things are in conflict, unless one (or both) of you believe that the other person should be doing what you're doing. That there must be One True Way or One True Speed to explore poly with.

Now, if she's say, ditching a night where she planned to do a family event with you and your son at the last possible minute so she can go on a date with a rando - that's a problem. But you haven't said that.

You have said she feels resentful towards your son. I have mixed feelings about that - I'm mainly wondering, from what you've described, if she did resent your travel while she stayed home with your son, because being a SAHM while your husband is traveling means that 100% of the time, you're being a mom, unless you live close enough to family or have good enough friends that some would babysit for you. Maybe part of the problem is too many years of what felt like nothing but pure, constant responsibility for her, and now she has this NRE experience with the new guy and is realizing how badly she needs a life outside of motherhood.

Either way, there are a lot of questions here that you're not quite answering. And like I said, you taking it at your pace, and she taking it at hers aren't mutually exclusive - unless you're trying to demand that she slow down to yours. Because that WOULD be standing in the way of her finding her way.
 
All of this very thoughtful and reasoned advice falls on deaf ears when someone takes no responsibility for his part in the state of the relationship.
 
FallenAngelina said:
All of this very thoughtful and reasoned advice falls on deaf ears when someone takes no responsibility for his part in the state of the relationship.
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There's been a lot of constructive responses to my questions and they have been very useful.

There have also been a few very antagonistic, know it all, answers too.

I have what I need - not everything is down to the guy as you seem to believe.

But thankyou.
 
JustBob said:
not everything is down to the guy as you seem to believe.
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Just adding that you seem to see things as either all her doing or all your doing. No comments have been made here that "everything is down to the guy," just suggestions that you see your part in the ongoing creation of your relationship. Progress is not made by blaming, but by understanding how we fit together.
 
Hi Bob,

These are I think the key points you're trying to make:

  • Your wife is making you go too fast.
  • You want your wife to confirm your rights.
  • You want your wife to acknowledge your feelings.
  • You feel that you shouldn't have agreed to the FWB experiment. You agreed to it because she wanted it. You did her a favor. Now this is how she repays you.
Can the two of you get couple's counseling? If she's not willing to see a counselor, could you get individual counseling for yourself? It might help you figure out how to manage the situation from your end.

You said that when she vetoed you (told you to stop), you honored her request. (But she won't do the same for you.) Can I ask: What was it that she vetoed? Was it the swinging?

Just looking to clarify my own perspective on events.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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