Split Confusion

[UnicornLove]

Ok, so, I'm in my first triad. I'm really enjoying the experience and I can't wait for multiple years to come. However, the "issue" is, is that my boyfriend and I are in love with one another. He's the epitome of the guy I always wanted. But his wife (my gf) and I are having....problems. We're both really shy. We don't really hang out a lot. And while she claims she wants to be close to me, she rarely meets me half way.

So, the deeper my feelings grow for my boyfriend and the harder things get with my girlfriend, it seems like the strong case of....dare I say it...jealousy sets in.
I don't live with my couple and I really wish I could.
My bf loves to tell me that her and I are equal, but I don't feel that way at all. She has the ring. She has the last name. She gets to know the family. She's there by his side day in and day out. She gets it "all". At first, NONE of this use to bother me. But as a first time polyamory individual, I'm having a hard time learning how to be in love with someone and not wanting them just for myself. Because when the group is all on one page, it really is a beautiful outcome.

Does anyone have any tips or may have gone through something similar? If so, how did you resolve the issue?

 

[Viridis]

Oh my goodness can I relate! I moved in with my couple 6 weeks ago after a year of dating. I went though every thought/emotion I thought I could ever have with moving in with them before I ever did it to make sure I'd be okay with it.

But now that I'm here, I'm having issues with things that are shocking to me. It's a new house for them and she is so excited to decorate etc... they were in a very small apartment when I met them and was dating them. There were a few personal things - family photos on the wall, their wedding picture of course etc... I was fine with all that and I loved hearing the story of how they met, their wedding etc... hearing how much in love they were/are was a HUGE part in me deciding they were the right couple for me to pursue this poly world with.

More and more things are coming out of storage and this past weekend, in comes this huge hutch as she calls it with all their fancy wedding gifts from 9 years ago - china etc.. and another big wedding photo directly in the center. I actually got internally angry and had to excuse myself to my room! I was shocked at myself.

I have to just keep telling myself that this is unfortunately a normal jealousy thing and that just because material items are displayed - it doesn't mean the feelings they/he has for me are any less. It all takes time and patience.

How long have you been with this couple? In my situation, she and I are getting closer but it has taken time and we just hit the one year mark.

 

[Marvin]

Hi unicorn and welcome! Your situation rings so very true with me as I am sure it does with the majority of members here. Jealousy is a natural emotion that we all have the pleasure of dealing with unfortunately... In our situation, I am the one that was in the other side of the fence- I got everything that she couldn't have-- and sadly enough had no clue that she was feeling this way. A few mildly uncomfortable conversations will bring this beast to light at which point you may slay it
A poly relationship that is not burdened by jealousy and contempt is absolutely a beatiful thing-- trust me -- I go home to one every day! Hang in there and work on your relationship and you will happier than you could have ever imagined!
Marv

 

[Magdlyn]

Ok, so, I'm in my first triad. I'm really enjoying the experience and I can't wait for multiple years to come. However, the "issue" is, is that my boyfriend and I are in love with one another. He's the epitome of the guy I always wanted. But his wife (my gf) and I are having....problems. We're both really shy. We don't really hang out a lot. And while she claims she wants to be close to me, she rarely meets me half way.

So, the deeper my feelings grow for my boyfriend and the harder things get with my girlfriend, it seems like the strong case of....dare I say it...jealousy sets in.
I don't live with my couple and I really wish I could.
My bf loves to tell me that her and I are equal, but I don't feel that way at all. She has the ring. She has the last name. She gets to know the family. She's there by his side day in and day out. She gets it "all". At first, NONE of this use to bother me. But as a first time polyamory individual, I'm having a hard time learning how to be in love with someone and not wanting them just for myself. Because when the group is all on one page, it really is a beautiful outcome.

Does anyone have any tips or may have gone through something similar? If so, how did you resolve the issue?

You know, you don't have to have an equal triangle to be poly. Most poly couples date independently. Maybe you and your so-called gf aren't really gfs after all. If you don't hang out or meet halfway (whatever that means), perhaps the whole thing would be better as a V, instead of a forced triad.

However, yes, if you wish you were your hinge's co-primary, along with his legal wife, that takes some doing. If you and she are uneasy together, imo living together as one big family is the last thing you should do. Cohabiting only works if the arms of the V are good friends who aren't envious or jealous of each other.

And you need excellent 3way communication as well, because issues crop up all the time, and poly forces the issues. It is much harder to just coast like you can do in monogamy.

Your bf can have co-primaries in you and the legal wife by going back and forth between your 2 houses regularly, so it is as even as possible. You're not going to get a legal marriage or automatic protection of course. That doesn't happen in our society. You can do a hand-fasting (although that is also illegal in some US states).

Read up on the website morethantwo.com, about the rights of Secondaries.

 

[LizziE]

I'm not sure how you get to calling someone your girlfriend if you don't hang out. How did she get to be your girlfriend?

Also, she gets to know his family and you don't? So they're not openly poly, is that correct?

I think the place to start would be to firmly inform your boyfriend that - contrary to his delusion - the relationships are NOT equal. He may (though I have doubts) treat you both with the same level of respect. He may do his absolute best to be a good partner who doesn't put his wife's feelings above your feelings in a conflict.

But as long as they are legally married and she can (for example) legally bar you from his bedside, were he ill, that's NOT an equal partnership. If you are a secret, and can't know his family, that is NOT an equal partnership.

Now, it doesn't have to be equal to be something you love and get a lot out of. Many people have non-equal partnerships or relationships and are happy. My girlfriend Issi has a husband, and he absolutely is the first one in her life (above me) and I'm totally happy with that - our relationship dynamic is such that it works really well for us, as it is.

But one of the important things, I think, is that we don't lie about it. Issi wouldn't waste her breath telling me that we were "equal" in ways that we aren't. I know that in terms of humanity and basic human decency, we are. But in terms of the time, energy, and attention that Issi puts into her husband (and other partners) versus the time, energy, and attention she puts towards me, we're nowhere near equal.

It would be helpful if you explained more about your situation, but right now, I think the first step is to make sure everybody is on the same page about what your relationships with your boyfriend and his wife (note I didn't say "your GF", because I'd like clarification on that) actually ARE, versus what your boyfriend WANTS/THINKS they are.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you are struggle.

But his wife (my gf) and I are having....problems. We're both really shy. We don't really hang out a lot. And while she claims she wants to be close to me, she rarely meets me half way.

You are talking about dating her right? Not sex like she's shy to have sex, she doesn't meet your sexual overtures, etc? Or IS this about sex? I am not clear there.

Sounds like communication needs to happen either way. Could stop being shy about talking things out plain. Speak up and get your concerns aired out. Hang out more often and get to know each other better. This is not a triad. You are trying to build a triad and still sorting out compatibilities. If this is better as a V -- talk that out with your people.

My bf loves to tell me that her and I are equal

To him maybe they are in his feelings.

In actuality, it is not. She's the wife and has legal protections and things you will not automatically have as the GF.

If what you need is for him to see you grieving that you won't have it with him if you stay in this poly network and want his help making peace with it inside, he could acknowledge it.

If what you need is for him to appreciate things you are giving up in order to be here, he could acknowledge that also. If what you need is to know that if things get serious, he will make provisions as far as can be done (ex: add you to his hospital visiting list).

If what you need is to be in a poly network that is "out and open" rather than in the closet -- that needs to be discussed.

What are your needs?

I don't feel that way at all. She has the ring. She has the last name. She gets to know the family. She's there by his side day in and day out. She gets it "all".

That is right. She gets all those things. You knew it going into it. This is not a triad with unmarried couple. You are with a married couple.

You sound like you need to know you hold a valued place in his life -- because the more "obvious" symbols of that aren't going to happen here.

At first, NONE of this use to bother me. But as a first time polyamory individual, I'm having a hard time learning how to be in love with someone and not wanting them just for myself. Because when the group is all on one page, it really is a beautiful outcome.

Which goes back to – what needs to happen to get the group back on the same page? With her? With him? With both?

You know... relate. Sort stuff out. Participate. Have the conversation you could be having. Find out what works and what does not. If the triad model does not fit, let it be a "V" model instead. Don't try to force a triad. Not all triangles have to be equilateral ones where everyone is romantically involved with everyone else. It could be a triangle where only two legs are romantically involved and the third is not.

But each side has to be happy participating in the model they are in.

Def don't be in a rush to move in.

Galagirl

 

[UnicornLove]

Oh my goodness can I relate! I moved in with my couple 6 weeks ago after a year of dating. I went though every thought/emotion I thought I could ever have with moving in with them before I ever did it to make sure I'd be okay with it.

But now that I'm here, I'm having issues with things that are shocking to me. It's a new house for them and she is so excited to decorate etc... they were in a very small apartment when I met them and was dating them. There were a few personal things - family photos on the wall, their wedding picture of course etc... I was fine with all that and I loved hearing the story of how they met, their wedding etc... hearing how much in love they were/are was a HUGE part in me deciding they were the right couple for me to pursue this poly world with.

More and more things are coming out of storage and this past weekend, in comes this huge hutch as she calls it with all their fancy wedding gifts from 9 years ago - china etc.. and another big wedding photo directly in the center. I actually got internally angry and had to excuse myself to my room! I was shocked at myself.

I have to just keep telling myself that this is unfortunately a normal jealousy thing and that just because material items are displayed - it doesn't mean the feelings they/he has for me are any less. It all takes time and patience.

How long have you been with this couple? In my situation, she and I are getting closer but it has taken time and we just hit the one year mark.

Oh my Lord, if you didn't just write out my life!! I love the fact that they're in love and happy because that means there's a stable place for me. But at times I can't help but want to sit in the corner and pout while screaming "where's mine?"(lol). They have a new house as well, and as much as they want me to be "apart of everything", all the decorating and rules are on her. So, it's really hard finding my place at times.

Like yesterday, we were sitting around talking and they ended up going down memory lane about how they met, the ups and downs, how he proposed...everything! And while I'm listening, I'm just becoming more and more surprised at how jealous I'm becoming.

So, to know I'm not alone and to know that it's actually ok to admit that I'm slightly jealous is soothing.

By the way, it's Amazing to talk to another "third". I've never been able to meet someone in my place.

My couple and I just made 8 months.
So you and her had a "difficult time" getting close as well?

 

[UnicornLove]

Hi unicorn and welcome! Your situation rings so very true with me as I am sure it does with the majority of members here. Jealousy is a natural emotion that we all have the pleasure of dealing with unfortunately... In our situation, I am the one that was in the other side of the fence- I got everything that she couldn't have-- and sadly enough had no clue that she was feeling this way. A few mildly uncomfortable conversations will bring this beast to light at which point you may slay it
A poly relationship that is not burdened by jealousy and contempt is absolutely a beatiful thing-- trust me -- I go home to one every day! Hang in there and work on your relationship and you will happier than you could have ever imagined!
Marv

Awww thank you! That really makes me feel better. Because my couple has no idea that this jealous has set it. But I can feel like that big beast of a conversation is coming soon because I think my boyfriend notices something is wrong. So, hopefully I am able to slay it (lol). 'Cause I would love to go back to the lovey dovey moments that mean the most to me. How long have you been in your relationship?

 

[UnicornLove]

You know, you don't have to have an equal triangle to be poly. Most poly couples date independently. Maybe you and your so-called gf aren't really gfs after all. If you don't hang out or meet halfway (whatever that means), perhaps the whole thing would be better as a V, instead of a forced triad.

However, yes, if you wish you were your hinge's co-primary, along with his legal wife, that takes some doing. If you and she are uneasy together, imo living together as one big family is the last thing you should do. Cohabiting only works if the arms of the V are good friends who aren't envious or jealous of each other.

And you need excellent 3way communication as well, because issues crop up all the time, and poly forces the issues. It is much harder to just coast like you can do in monogamy.

Your bf can have co-primaries in you and the legal wife by going back and forth between your 2 houses regularly, so it is as even as possible. You're not going to get a legal marriage or automatic protection of course. That doesn't happen in our society. You can do a hand-fasting (although that is also illegal in some US states).

Read up on the website morethantwo.com, about the rights of Secondaries.

And that's what I was thinking (about proposing that we become a V and not a closed triad). Having my bf as our focal point and her and I learn to be good friends at least. And if things develop past that, then great! But if not, then I at least know where I stand with her.

I am definitely still learning that communication is incredibly important. Because I'm experiencing "issues" now that I've never come across in the past. But I knew coming in that poly wouldn't be a walk in the park. I'm a "well that hurt, but I'll stay quiet until I get over it" type of person. But with 2 other people involved? It becomes impossible to do that and I need to stop fighting the fact of which.

And thank you so much for the link. I was looking for secondary rights but didn't really know where to look and how to word it.

 

[UnicornLove]

I'm not sure how you get to calling someone your girlfriend if you don't hang out. How did she get to be your girlfriend?

Also, she gets to know his family and you don't? So they're not openly poly, is that correct?

I think the place to start would be to firmly inform your boyfriend that - contrary to his delusion - the relationships are NOT equal. He may (though I have doubts) treat you both with the same level of respect. He may do his absolute best to be a good partner who doesn't put his wife's feelings above your feelings in a conflict.

But as long as they are legally married and she can (for example) legally bar you from his bedside, were he ill, that's NOT an equal partnership. If you are a secret, and can't know his family, that is NOT an equal partnership.

Now, it doesn't have to be equal to be something you love and get a lot out of. Many people have non-equal partnerships or relationships and are happy. My girlfriend Issi has a husband, and he absolutely is the first one in her life (above me) and I'm totally happy with that - our relationship dynamic is such that it works really well for us, as it is.

But one of the important things, I think, is that we don't lie about it. Issi wouldn't waste her breath telling me that we were "equal" in ways that we aren't. I know that in terms of humanity and basic human decency, we are. But in terms of the time, energy, and attention that Issi puts into her husband (and other partners) versus the time, energy, and attention she puts towards me, we're nowhere near equal.

It would be helpful if you explained more about your situation, but right now, I think the first step is to make sure everybody is on the same page about what your relationships with your boyfriend and his wife (note I didn't say "your GF", because I'd like clarification on that) actually ARE, versus what your boyfriend WANTS/THINKS they are.

Yeah, it confuses me as well. She honestly became my gf because she's his wife. We just all started things at once. However, my boyfriend and I took the time and energy to learn each other. Where as I don't get that with her. We have "elevator talk" (stuff you would tell any stranger). But I don't Truly know her.

Yes, we are all secretly poly. They get to know each other's family. Go in public and hold hands. All the perks. Me? Not so much.

I'm so glad that you said that. 'Cause I have in fact informed him that I will Never be her equal. In his life, I will forever come third to his wife and child. But unfortunately he wants all 3 of us to be equal. I knew it wasn't realistic, but thought "hey, what do I know? Maybe he's right." So, it's great to know I'm not wrong for hearing that

I would love to explain the situation further, but of course it would take forever on here lol. So, I'll message you.

 

[UnicornLove]

You are talking about dating her right? Not sex like she's shy to have sex, she doesn't meet your sexual overtures, etc? Or IS this about sex? I am not clear there.

Yes, I'm talking about dating. We've only had sex twice, which is fine. My main concern is the emotional aspect. Without that, I could care less about sex. But we're both shy on EVERYTHING. Hell, we've only had sex the 2 times because my boyfriend set it up.

Sounds like communication needs to happen either way. Could stop being shy about talking things out plain. Speak up and get your concerns aired out. Hang out more often and get to know each other better. This is not a triad. You are trying to build a triad and still sorting out compatibilities. If this is better as a V -- talk that out with your people.

Communication needs to happen big time. The issue is, I'm still learning how to be a communicator. Not only that, she doesn't like to talk to me unless we're face to face. Every now and then, she'll text me. But due to scheduling and a list of other factors, we barely see each other. So, things just get pushed under the rug and forgotten most of the times.

To him maybe they are in his feelings.

In actuality, it is not. She's the wife and has legal protections and things you will not automatically have as the GF.

My point exactly. He tries his hardest to make me feel included in every decision and every move. But the truth of the matter is, is that my "perks" of being the gf are limited. And I know he just wants to make everyone happy.

What are your needs?

Now that? I've never thought about. And even if I did, I have some work to do within myself because stating what I want is the Hardest thing for me to do. I don't know how to work on that or where to start. But I feel like if I voice what I want, I end up sounding selfish and/or self-centered.

You made a lot of valid points. It's just good to know what I've been feeling and thinking isn't wrong.

 

[Magdlyn]

I feel like if I voice what I want, I end up sounding selfish and/or self-centered.

Honey, whoever told you that your feelings could be "wrong" and your needs should not be expressed for fear of sounding selfish?

How is your bf to know what your needs are if you don't tell him? He isn't a mind reader. How is he to even know WHO you are, if you aren't honest about what you want and need? Who is he in relationship with, if you are hurting and just sucking up your feelings and waiting for them to go away?

If you aren't happy being a dirty little secret, tell him. If you need more time with him, tell him. If you want to hang out with his wife and get to know her better, tell her. Don't just sit around hoping someone notices you, and trying to be happy with their crumbs, while being angry and sad, and feeling second best, and thinking, "Well, that's just a unicorn's life. It's up to me to make the best of it."

Many people here are OK with being secondaries because they have very busy lives and don't want a full on relationship, or because they have a primary already and can't commit to more involvement.

It sounds like you have no other partners. So you're just waiting around for your bf to have time for you. You're imagining his wife is your gf even though you rarely see her in person, and she doesn't return your texts.

You don't have 2 partners. You've got less than half a bf. It sounds like that is what you do NOT want. Would you rather have a relationship with a monogamous bf, and be on the typical relationship escalator, heading towards living together, meeting each other's friends and family, taking vacations together, seeing each other every day, sleeping together every night, maybe marriage and kids?

What do you enjoy about loving a poly man, over a mono one that can give you more attention?

 

[GalaGirl]

Communication needs to happen big time. The issue is, I'm still learning how to be a communicator. Not only that, she doesn't like to talk to me unless we're face to face.

Could reading about non-violent communication help any?

What about things like Skype? Is she willing to do that?

My point exactly. He tries his hardest to make me feel included in every decision and every move. But the truth of the matter is, is that my "perks" of being the gf are limited. And I know he just wants to make everyone happy.

Ok. Do you need him to acknowledge that "wife perks" and "GF perks" are different and to stop trying to be like they are not?

I have some work to do within myself because stating what I want is the Hardest thing for me to do. I don't know how to work on that or where to start.

You are not feeling/thinking anything wrong. It's just what you feel/think right now.

Can you circle needs if it were on a list? Print three times -- what you need from you, from BF, from GF?

https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

Then write out how you might want to solve them? Then just show the right person the print out that goes with them and ask them for their ideas for how to solve them? That could be a way to start communicating your needs.

But I feel like if I voice what I want, I end up sounding selfish and/or self-centered.

People are not mind readers. You have to speak up to make yourself known. There is nothing selfish about using "I statements" like "I feel, I think, I would like, I prefer, I wonder if you could be willing to..." Don't be afraid to take up the space in the world that you do.

That is different from "I am the only one who counts here, I am the center of the universe, I demand you do...." Taking up your fair space is in the world not the same as you demanding you be the center of the world.

In the see-saw of

(selfish -- self full -- selfless)

The ends are the tilted ends.

Selfish = memememe! Everything and everyone focus on me and my stuff! I don't think about others/neglect others. (Or I hope that by being super helpless and making a mess, people will eventually rush in to rescue me.)

Selfless = themthemthem! Everything and everyone focus on them and their stuff. I don't think about my stuff and neglect my self care. (Or I hope that by super caring for others, they will eventually do same for me)

The balanced place is the middle is "self full." Where you meet your own reasonable needs first (sometimes doing this by hiring help or asking for help). Then you are free to gift your help to others in meeting their reasonable needs without you burning out or spreading self too thin.

What ADDS to your joy here? Takes away from improved communication? What TAKES AWAY from your joy here? Takes away from improved communication? Does thinking of it like "adding/or taking away" help you sort out your needs/behaviors?

Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the precious one. Don't live it out passively. Don't confuse "assertive" with "aggressive." Again, people are not mind readers. You have to speak up to make yourself understood.

Galagirl

 

[LizziE]

They have a new house as well, and as much as they want me to be "apart of everything", all the decorating and rules are on her.

I apologize for the harshness of this, but from everything you're writing (especially the above), it doesn't sound like they are treating you like a person. They are treating you like an accessory.

I think you should walk. Because they have a very narrow box they want you to fit in, a hidden box where you are a secret, where you don't have protection, where you don't get to know the friends or the family, where your needs come last, and YET you're being told that you're an equal. If your boyfriend things, in any way, shape, or form that you are equal, please ask him for some facts to support that delusion. Because there aren't any.

I think you should go. Before you feel any worse, or beat yourself up any more for not fitting into the eensy little shoebox that your BF is calling "equality" and believing it's equal because he says it is.

 

[vinsanity0]

You don't live with them. Of course the wife wants to decorate her own house. Would you want her to come over and decorate your place?

 

[LizziE]

You don't live with them. Of course the wife wants to decorate her own house. Would you want her to come over and decorate your place?

This might be a thing that depends on life experience, but if they were truly equals, I'd honestly expect her to be able to have at least some input on a few things.

I know that this is a sensitive subject to me, because my hoarder mom (before the whole house was hoarded) had this attitude of "This is MY house, and it gets to be decorated the way that *I* want". Nevermind that my dad and I ALSO lived there, and might have wanted some input into it. I never had any input into how our house was decorated, including in the bedroom I slept in (which I still don't feel comfortable calling "my" bedroom, because it was made to feel as little "mine" as possible by my mom).

When Jon started living part time with me, I asked him to bring nick-knacks and things of his over, to make it feel like "his" home too. And when it became clear that he and Lora were going to move in, I invited her to do the same, to start giving the house a feel that was like the three people that would be living in it.

I don't totally know the situation of the OP (and would love some clarification there, but if (for instance) there was supposed to be a guest room that was specifically to be used by her, I would hope that at the least, her input for the styling/painting/decorating of that room would be taken, and at most, she'd pretty much be told "This is your room, do what you want with it".

But that's just me. I can see why other people would feel differently.

I am still curious to know about the home situation though, and if it's meant to feel welcoming and like a home to all three of them, even if the OP is living there part-time.

 

[vinsanity0]

This might be a thing that depends on life experience, but if they were truly equals, I'd honestly expect her to be able to have at least some input on a few things.

I know that this is a sensitive subject to me, because my hoarder mom (before the whole house was hoarded) had this attitude of "This is MY house, and it gets to be decorated the way that *I* want". Nevermind that my dad and I ALSO lived there, and might have wanted some input into it. I never had any input into how our house was decorated, including in the bedroom I slept in (which I still don't feel comfortable calling "my" bedroom, because it was made to feel as little "mine" as possible by my mom).

When Jon started living part time with me, I asked him to bring nick-knacks and things of his over, to make it feel like "his" home too. And when it became clear that he and Lora were going to move in, I invited her to do the same, to start giving the house a feel that was like the three people that would be living in it.

I don't totally know the situation of the OP (and would love some clarification there, but if (for instance) there was supposed to be a guest room that was specifically to be used by her, I would hope that at the least, her input for the styling/painting/decorating of that room would be taken, and at most, she'd pretty much be told "This is your room, do what you want with it".

But that's just me. I can see why other people would feel differently.

I am still curious to know about the home situation though, and if it's meant to feel welcoming and like a home to all three of them, even if the OP is living there part-time.

Well yeah, if she has her own room then I would expect them to let her decorate that at the very least. I didn't get the impression she had her own space there, plus they have only been together 8 months.

It's been my experience that it is usually one person in a relationship who does most of the decorating. When I moved in with Cat she had always done the decorating before I got there. I didn't expect her to change the whole place around. My stuff had a strong Asian influence and hers was more traditional. I did get a room and a bathroom to do with what I wanted, plus I took over the whole yard because she wasn't that interested in gardening, but I was.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

It is the option of telling the family later on, or having a ceremony with friends, there's always something to be done.

 

[IndieSolo]

She's not your girlfriend. Ugh, it sounds like a million other stories we've had on here..,. the guy wants to have two women, and his wife agrees to having sex with his girlfriend just to hold onto him, even though she's probably straight or mostly straight and actually not that interested in you, and you two women think you need to have sex with each other or be in a relationship in order to be poly and out of fear that the guy will dump you.

I think some truthful, soul-baring, very direct communication among all three of you is called for right now.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi UnicornLove,

Sorry things are so difficult with your first triad. You are in a bad situation because you are "just a girlfriend," whereas the other woman is "the wife."

Read the Secondary's Bill of Rights (if you haven't already). Maybe they are saying you're a co-primary. That just makes the secondary's rights all the more applicable for you.

For some reason, the MFF triad seems to be the very definition of poly, or the only way to do poly, for most people. I don't know where that idea came from, but it's very common. So, your boyfriend and his wife are trying very hard to make it work that way. But an FMF V is much more likely to be what it happening here. And there's nothing wrong with that.

The three of you should sit down sometimes (once a week?) to discuss your various needs, and brainstorm on how to meet those needs. Don't try to squish everything into a standard mold, just try to speak as individuals on what you need.

Keep us posted on how things are going.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.