MrsBrightside
New member
Farmer: Partner of 10+ years, living together, engaged.
Red: Meta, dating Farmer for about 2 months.
Sorry for length. I have been doing my best to take my space while remaining friendly with Red. I feel like I had a pretty good balance, but Red was often asking me if we were 'okay', which I assured her we were.
A couple weeks ago she came for her visit. I had noticed some odd things during the first day or so of her stay; she was often on her phone, almost ignoring Farmer's affection, or when he was talking she wouldn't really respond. She was not overtly rude, just kind of distant and not often returning affection or seeking it very much. I tried mostly not to read into it. We went to a party together and Farmer was very good in being affectionate with both of us, it was a nice night!
I had offered (before the visit) to give them a night alone and go to the party by myself, but Red wanted to go. I even offered to sleep upstairs that night so they could have alone time; I was admittedly feeling a little sad in the moment but I had offered it and wanted to follow through; Farmer was not having it and encouraged me to sleep with them as we usually do. We had cuddles and sexy times (Farmer usually takes turns with pleasing us which is fine) and went to sleep. In the morning, I woke up in Farmer's arms and he initiated morning sex (Red was still sleeping). She woke up near the end of it and it was immediately apparent she was not in a good mood. She claimed she had nightmares again, in which all her loved ones left her and that seeing us having sex normally would have been fine if not for that. Farmer tried to console her but she was pretty shut down. He and I gave her space and went to go do some things around the house like start food and other chores. Red eventually came upstairs and hung out with me quietly while Farmer worked outside. Red warmed up a little as time went on and she helped me in the kitchen.
When Farmer came back inside they had a bath together (Farmer wanted to try and help her feel better obviously) and then had some private sexy times in the bedroom. After Red did seem a lot better and Farmer was very affectionate with me too so the rest of the weekend went pretty smoothly I thought. Farmer had to leave early for work in the morning and Red said she was excited about staying a little the next day and hanging out for a bit since we both didn't work, which was fine with me. But when the morning came, Farmer said his goodbyes, we slept in. I got up first and Red got up later; I offered her breakfast and then she said "Yeah I'm probably going to go soon". I was a bit surprised given she'd been excited about hanging out, but helped her pack up and get her car loaded anyway. I hugged her and told her to drive safe and she said, "Oh, I'll probably speed. I just want to get home." I didn't know what to say to that.
Not long after she left she texted me and apologized; said she felt like maybe I didn't want her around, but she didn't know how to communicate to me. I apologized for being distant lately, and said that I've just been burnt out from everything and not having much time off in the past two months has been really hard. She admitted to being worried about the future again, that she didn't know how she would be able to 'build a life' with Farmer because he already had the house, the fiancee, the plans, with me. Eventually got on the topic that she hoped we could all live together one day like a family (despite in the past saying she couldn't live with us if we had kids, which we plan to). Trying to be honest, I said I personally felt like it was early to be talking about that, and that right now I was more comfortable living separately, but maybe closer (like in the same city). She was kind of like "Oh. Well you can't help how you feel.. and you're the primary so you come first." Now, I have never used 'primary/secondary' language with her, so I don't know where it came from, but I didn't feel like getting into it because I do have the house, the engagement, the conjoined life, and stuff she wants but doesn't have yet so I asked "Does that bother you?" She said it does sometimes.
Now I definitely don't blame Red for wanting the things she wants, but I have often felt like her plans/visions are often very different from ours (she wants to open her own business, travel, live in a big city, not have kids; we want to have kids, build a small house and farm for a living in the smallest town ever) She wants marriage, a house together, planning a life, and the rest of the relationship escalator. I definitely get being scared of not getting those things with someone you love. But I am pretty apprehensive on making big future promises to someone we've only known for a few months either... especially given I am really introverted and there's a lot of people I love but couldn't live with.
We talked a bit more and I thought we got to an okay place; no better but no worse than usual. But I felt pretty badly that I had maybe upset her by being honest. Farmer and I spoke on the phone and I mentioned what happened, he told me that I couldn't help the way I felt either and that it was okay if I felt that way about living together right now. I mean, I can't say that I might not eventually be okay with it, but as things are now, it's just too soon to think about. He thought that was fair; he doesn't have any expectations and hasn't made any promises either because it's only been two months. He loves her and wants to be in her life being her boyfriend the way things are now and that's enough for him.
Red mentioned she was going out to dinner with friends, which I thought was great, that it would cheer her up. But I texted her after dinner and she was giving me very one-word responses. I asked her if she was feeling better and she said, "No.... not at all." And proceeded to tell me she was on the phone with Farmer 'trying to figure out how to continue' the relationship.
Farmer called me a few minutes later to tell me that Red was upset and thinking of leaving because she's scared there's no future in it for her. Farmer said he was okay; I apologized a lot because I thought I'd upset her with what I'd said earlier. He said it wasn't my fault, that it just meant they were talking about it sooner rather than later, and Red wasn't prepared to walk away just yet, so that was good maybe. We said goodnight, but I still felt pretty guilty, even though Farmer gave me no reason to.
Red kept texting me about her phone conversation with Farmer. I didn't know what to say... She asked me what I would do and I said it was up to her to figure out what was right/best for her, but I don't usually wait around hoping people or situations will change for me. She said Farmer didn't even sound sad on the phone with her, he just agreed, and that was hurtful. I said I couldn't speak for Farmer's feelings; so she went on to say that Farmer would be fine without her, he'd probably move on quickly, etc. She then asked me how I felt, asked me if I thought she was nuts, if I wanted rid of her. I decided not to address that and just said "My feeling is that you should do what you feel you need to and what is right/best for you." In short, she's scared there's no future she wants in this, but loves him and doesn't want to leave him either. I tried to be supportive but neutral. The next day we didn't talk at all, and since then, I don't hear from her much unless I say 'hey' first and the conversations don't go farther than 'how was your day'. Farmer said she seemed okay now, but has said to him 'Mrs. B and I don't really talk anymore' and that she's sad about it. He knows I've been trying but it hasn't gone anywhere.
When Farmer got back from working out of town he seemed kind of distant. He can get pretty emotionally overwhelmed with stuff like this and tends to need his space to think it out. Though it made me worry that he might blame me for upsetting his other relationship (he doesn't), I'm trying to just give him a little space if he needs and believe him when he says things are fine. We had a good night together last Friday and he's been gone hunting for the whole week, still a bit distant, but mostly just busy I think. At camp he tends to leave his phone inside.
Red and I talked a little a day or two ago about it (since I haven't really heard much of anything since the initial conversations a week and a half ago) and she says she's mostly just trying not to think about it, but the upside is she is trying new meds for her anxiety, so we will see if that helps at least with the mood swings/nightmares. She took this whole week off because of her anxiety, which I didn't know.
Mostly I am trying to work on myself at this point. I am anxious a lot and too focused on Farmer's relationship with Red when I should just focus on our relationship together and just being good to one another like we usually do. We have agreed to have weekly (if we can, at least bi-weekly) date nights where we can have a reasonable amount of alone time and space away from our phones; so far that's gone really nicely!
But at this point with Red it's just waiting to see how it goes, I guess.
Is there anything you would do in my position at this point? Farmer loves Red and I want to be supportive of that, especially given things are a little tricky now. But he's not the type to be super open about his feelings if he's going through rough stuff and I don't want to pester him with making sure he's okay all the time.
With Red I think the only thing to do is keep being pleasant and friendly, but taking care of myself first?
Sorry again for the length!
Red: Meta, dating Farmer for about 2 months.
Sorry for length. I have been doing my best to take my space while remaining friendly with Red. I feel like I had a pretty good balance, but Red was often asking me if we were 'okay', which I assured her we were.
A couple weeks ago she came for her visit. I had noticed some odd things during the first day or so of her stay; she was often on her phone, almost ignoring Farmer's affection, or when he was talking she wouldn't really respond. She was not overtly rude, just kind of distant and not often returning affection or seeking it very much. I tried mostly not to read into it. We went to a party together and Farmer was very good in being affectionate with both of us, it was a nice night!
I had offered (before the visit) to give them a night alone and go to the party by myself, but Red wanted to go. I even offered to sleep upstairs that night so they could have alone time; I was admittedly feeling a little sad in the moment but I had offered it and wanted to follow through; Farmer was not having it and encouraged me to sleep with them as we usually do. We had cuddles and sexy times (Farmer usually takes turns with pleasing us which is fine) and went to sleep. In the morning, I woke up in Farmer's arms and he initiated morning sex (Red was still sleeping). She woke up near the end of it and it was immediately apparent she was not in a good mood. She claimed she had nightmares again, in which all her loved ones left her and that seeing us having sex normally would have been fine if not for that. Farmer tried to console her but she was pretty shut down. He and I gave her space and went to go do some things around the house like start food and other chores. Red eventually came upstairs and hung out with me quietly while Farmer worked outside. Red warmed up a little as time went on and she helped me in the kitchen.
When Farmer came back inside they had a bath together (Farmer wanted to try and help her feel better obviously) and then had some private sexy times in the bedroom. After Red did seem a lot better and Farmer was very affectionate with me too so the rest of the weekend went pretty smoothly I thought. Farmer had to leave early for work in the morning and Red said she was excited about staying a little the next day and hanging out for a bit since we both didn't work, which was fine with me. But when the morning came, Farmer said his goodbyes, we slept in. I got up first and Red got up later; I offered her breakfast and then she said "Yeah I'm probably going to go soon". I was a bit surprised given she'd been excited about hanging out, but helped her pack up and get her car loaded anyway. I hugged her and told her to drive safe and she said, "Oh, I'll probably speed. I just want to get home." I didn't know what to say to that.
Not long after she left she texted me and apologized; said she felt like maybe I didn't want her around, but she didn't know how to communicate to me. I apologized for being distant lately, and said that I've just been burnt out from everything and not having much time off in the past two months has been really hard. She admitted to being worried about the future again, that she didn't know how she would be able to 'build a life' with Farmer because he already had the house, the fiancee, the plans, with me. Eventually got on the topic that she hoped we could all live together one day like a family (despite in the past saying she couldn't live with us if we had kids, which we plan to). Trying to be honest, I said I personally felt like it was early to be talking about that, and that right now I was more comfortable living separately, but maybe closer (like in the same city). She was kind of like "Oh. Well you can't help how you feel.. and you're the primary so you come first." Now, I have never used 'primary/secondary' language with her, so I don't know where it came from, but I didn't feel like getting into it because I do have the house, the engagement, the conjoined life, and stuff she wants but doesn't have yet so I asked "Does that bother you?" She said it does sometimes.
Now I definitely don't blame Red for wanting the things she wants, but I have often felt like her plans/visions are often very different from ours (she wants to open her own business, travel, live in a big city, not have kids; we want to have kids, build a small house and farm for a living in the smallest town ever) She wants marriage, a house together, planning a life, and the rest of the relationship escalator. I definitely get being scared of not getting those things with someone you love. But I am pretty apprehensive on making big future promises to someone we've only known for a few months either... especially given I am really introverted and there's a lot of people I love but couldn't live with.
We talked a bit more and I thought we got to an okay place; no better but no worse than usual. But I felt pretty badly that I had maybe upset her by being honest. Farmer and I spoke on the phone and I mentioned what happened, he told me that I couldn't help the way I felt either and that it was okay if I felt that way about living together right now. I mean, I can't say that I might not eventually be okay with it, but as things are now, it's just too soon to think about. He thought that was fair; he doesn't have any expectations and hasn't made any promises either because it's only been two months. He loves her and wants to be in her life being her boyfriend the way things are now and that's enough for him.
Red mentioned she was going out to dinner with friends, which I thought was great, that it would cheer her up. But I texted her after dinner and she was giving me very one-word responses. I asked her if she was feeling better and she said, "No.... not at all." And proceeded to tell me she was on the phone with Farmer 'trying to figure out how to continue' the relationship.
Farmer called me a few minutes later to tell me that Red was upset and thinking of leaving because she's scared there's no future in it for her. Farmer said he was okay; I apologized a lot because I thought I'd upset her with what I'd said earlier. He said it wasn't my fault, that it just meant they were talking about it sooner rather than later, and Red wasn't prepared to walk away just yet, so that was good maybe. We said goodnight, but I still felt pretty guilty, even though Farmer gave me no reason to.
Red kept texting me about her phone conversation with Farmer. I didn't know what to say... She asked me what I would do and I said it was up to her to figure out what was right/best for her, but I don't usually wait around hoping people or situations will change for me. She said Farmer didn't even sound sad on the phone with her, he just agreed, and that was hurtful. I said I couldn't speak for Farmer's feelings; so she went on to say that Farmer would be fine without her, he'd probably move on quickly, etc. She then asked me how I felt, asked me if I thought she was nuts, if I wanted rid of her. I decided not to address that and just said "My feeling is that you should do what you feel you need to and what is right/best for you." In short, she's scared there's no future she wants in this, but loves him and doesn't want to leave him either. I tried to be supportive but neutral. The next day we didn't talk at all, and since then, I don't hear from her much unless I say 'hey' first and the conversations don't go farther than 'how was your day'. Farmer said she seemed okay now, but has said to him 'Mrs. B and I don't really talk anymore' and that she's sad about it. He knows I've been trying but it hasn't gone anywhere.
When Farmer got back from working out of town he seemed kind of distant. He can get pretty emotionally overwhelmed with stuff like this and tends to need his space to think it out. Though it made me worry that he might blame me for upsetting his other relationship (he doesn't), I'm trying to just give him a little space if he needs and believe him when he says things are fine. We had a good night together last Friday and he's been gone hunting for the whole week, still a bit distant, but mostly just busy I think. At camp he tends to leave his phone inside.
Red and I talked a little a day or two ago about it (since I haven't really heard much of anything since the initial conversations a week and a half ago) and she says she's mostly just trying not to think about it, but the upside is she is trying new meds for her anxiety, so we will see if that helps at least with the mood swings/nightmares. She took this whole week off because of her anxiety, which I didn't know.
Mostly I am trying to work on myself at this point. I am anxious a lot and too focused on Farmer's relationship with Red when I should just focus on our relationship together and just being good to one another like we usually do. We have agreed to have weekly (if we can, at least bi-weekly) date nights where we can have a reasonable amount of alone time and space away from our phones; so far that's gone really nicely!
But at this point with Red it's just waiting to see how it goes, I guess.
Is there anything you would do in my position at this point? Farmer loves Red and I want to be supportive of that, especially given things are a little tricky now. But he's not the type to be super open about his feelings if he's going through rough stuff and I don't want to pester him with making sure he's okay all the time.
With Red I think the only thing to do is keep being pleasant and friendly, but taking care of myself first? Sorry again for the length!
