Exploring Polyamory instead of Monogamy

I feel so much better having ranted that here and not at rocky. I was really really really hurt by the America thing, it meant so much to me to visit my family with him and he basically threw it in my face.

So I needed time to rant, calm down, then talk to him. After that explosion that was my emotions the other day, I talked to him this weekend. We had an amazing productive conversation, which ironically stemmed from the fact he is dealing with the same communication issue with his sister that he is doing with me. So it was super easy for me to point it out, I basically said, yeah I completely understand your frustration. :rolleyes:

This weekend I have been in constant text with Mr Bond. He is so cheesy and funny. He sent me a video he made of the underground in London with a busker playing My Heartbwill go on, by Celine Dione. Lol. This is relevant for multiple reasons, as he has been on a trip through the Atlantic on the same route as titanic...and he watched that movie as a kid as a secret hopeless romantic. I told him as long as he doesn't mind me drawing him instead ;) it's also relevant because he knows I am such a big fan of Celine, and talked about going to one of her concerts now that she is touring again. :)

I also skyped with Mr Bond on Friday while waiting for my brother in downtown to pick me up. He was so kind to me then, and we laughed and had fun talking. I reiterated about the poly side of myself and where I stand with the men in my life, and poly in general. He was very understanding and concise. He said he didn't misunderstand me, but that I was worth getting to know. I was just trying to wrap my head around the fact he likes me even when I am with for certain one or their person, possibly two. I guess it hasn't really sunk in that I can and will find like minded people, and even people enthusiastically onboard with this lifestyle. I miss my poly network in UK that confirms this regularly and makes me feel welcome and loved. Haha.

This weekend has been super busy. I went down to my brothers house and met up with flat mates and friends and brother and his gf. It was a near constant stream of people...his life is so different to mine.
I ended up staying up while they all got high, with his roommate, Ben, and play d a dungeon game together until 1 am. Then all the other people wen tot sleep and Ben and I stayed up chatting and talking until 4 am. It was so awesome.

He's a supe sweet guy, but I was respectful because even though there was obvious chemistry between us, he has a gf that lives with him too...and I don't know if they are open or not, and they don't know about me being poly. My brother does, but Ben doesn't.

He was even sweet enough to offer to take me back home himself a two hour drive away. Seriously,such a good guy. I am just having so much fun with life.
But instead my brother took me home today with his gf. We went out to dinner and watched the movie Everest.

It was really intense and sad. Today was a big processing day because My brother and I had a one on one bonding session where we went over the past stuff about being a kid and him bullying me. He apologised for it all and we put it to bed. Afterwards we hugged and cried a little. It was a big day.

Then when I got home I got a huge backlog of surprise text messages from Rocky:

First a picture of a box of chocolates, from Rocky. The ones I knew he loves that I had bought him as a housewarming gift. I had forgotten I had sent them to him.

(Each set of quotes represents separate text messages. I also didn't get these till later so didn't reply inbetween each message.)

Rocky:
"I gathered up all your post. Your fridge is clean now, gave it a good rub down and checked the upstairs. All is well!"
"I tried some of the chocolates you bought me. They are so damn good! I had to really hold back on eating the entire box."
"I will save some for later x"
"Anyway I hope you're making the most of your day."
"I am going to head to bed shortly, I need to wake up early tomorrow and run some errands. Also I have something I am really excited about that I booked."
"But I will tell you about it on the phone next time we speak :cool: "
"Have a good one (star) x!"

So he went down to my house, took care of things while I was sitting here ranting about him. I feel like a total jerk now. He even cleaned my fridge :(
But I am quite curious to find out what this surprise he has booked. Perhaps it's something for both of us, because if it was just him he would probably have mentioned on text or at least the idea in the phone last time I talked to him.

So will be interesting to find out what this surprise is. The way he communicates with me sure doesn't feel broken up even though I have backed off on texting quite a bit, as well as emails and phone calls. We used to speak daily or sometimes more. He gives me a crap load of his time. And I do appreciate he sweet and kind things about him. I need to write more of those and less rants.
 
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Rocky is interested in being an intimate friend and continuing discussing an us. He brought it up yesterday with flirty texts and continued the discussion today on Skype. We both aren't sure if we want to go back there, but We both can't deny the connection we have, if I pull away he comes after me and vice versa. Also, we have been through a lot together, and there for each other, and he values that aspect of me,. I know it's not for just sex, because I am not in UK right now and he wants to talk to me every day this week.

I had to reassure him I would talk on Wednesday but not every day, because I am busy too. I don't want to be available every day right now because I know he puts huge amount of pressure on himself with labels and relationships and this ultimately leads to him having a meltdown. In fact I may tease him with this because we have an inside joke about me going "I just can't take this anymore!" Lol. That's our version of arguments. I also told him how important he is to me, how much I still love him, and that I am sorry if he felt rejected by me doing poly when our relationship was in question and how I would like to focus on rebuilding the feeling of him being important to me. That I do value him. He always encourages the best in me, he told me he thought it was a good idea I reconnect with family. I took his opinion on board, and eventually saw that he was right, family is worth fighting for. And so on that note, I think he is too. So, instead of focusing my energy on new people, I am focusing on the ones currently in my life, and building deeper connections there. If other people come along great, but neither him or me are actively looking anymore. I have realised with Mr Bond just how special Rocky is because We have already done so much leg work already.

We rarely get angry or mad at each other, and most the time we challenge each other to be better.

I found out that he told his sister and friends that I was poly. He did this of his own volition...that's huge. I was really happy about that and helped build trust from me to him again. I guess the next step is to be connected on Facebook again. That will be nice. He mentioned it awhile back, and I had said no because he wasn't authentically himself. Whereas I am authentically myself on there and I didn't want to cause family / friend drama. He knows I posted pictures of my birthday and me with him etc.

I talked at length yesterday with Mr Bond...

We had a huge disagreement in how we view sexual and romantic relationships. It was not an argument but he didn't see where he could fit into my life with two/three men in total.

I also know for a fact he isn't happy I am sexual with other men. I point blank said it was on my profile and I am not budging. If he wants to be involved with a woman who is monogamous there are plenty of those, but I am going to be sexual with whoever I want to be.

He asked me where it stops? Will I be sexual with others after him? I couldn't answer no to this question, so I guess for me I don't know where it stops, or why it has to. I told him i just don't view sexual relationships the same way, as a currency or people as objects. I view it as people in the moment deciding to have sex, and if it continues, great, if not that's ok to. Maybe I am more ok with casual than I realised.

So he agreed to discuss how I see things, as he is from South Asia and conducts his ideas of love and relationships very differently. I think the best thing is be less intense and just FB and discuss these differences. But I do have my reservations. He's funny and handsome and wealthy and dresses smartly. He's interesting and intense and intitiates things with me, but I am not sure I have the internal resources for a third male relationship. Especially now that I am focusing on getting work and also doing my education. I spend a lot of time on education right now. He also doesn't agree with me being friends with exes. I see life and sexuality more fluid and open than that. And I am working proactively on being free and myself. I just don't think we will gel well the more I get to know him. But it depends, I am the first person he's ever talked to about this, so perhaps just FB FWB. I don't do casual well, but I do enjoy having sex regularly. And rocky and trips version of regularly is not regular enough for me ;)
 
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Ok so my course is a science tech and maths access course, where I am doing a lot of charts, and proving my points, and deliberating logically.

I decided to apply this logic to clearly see how often Trip and I communicate in text and why I feel neglected now when I didn't in June July and August.

So here are the statistics for my OCD hilarious amusement.

114 text conversations between June and October 2015.
I started 87 text conversations.
He started 27 text conversations.
I dropped 11 conversations at the end with no explanation
He dropped 39 conversations at end with no explanation
All others were mutually stopped.
His averages to 19 conversations on average. So this takes away the theory he doesn't do texting. Clearly he does, that's more than half the days of the month ;)

On the initiating of texts, we equally initiated between June, and July, then in August September he drops down significantly, and September to October even more.

I take away from this, that I need to initiate less ha, but when I asked trip if he was ok with this he got sad and upset. I told him it does me no good to send a text when someone doesn't respond, or worse be the only one who does it. He said he is trying and apologised for not doing it more, but I haven't seen a huge improvement, he tried for a day or two after our disagreement a few weeks back but not much since then. Meh. I could present him these facts and maybe it will change, but I doubt it, it is who he is. In terms of how much it matters to me on a scale of one to ten, it's not as important as being able to call and know he'll pick up, or knowing he will call me occasionally, or the fact that we can talk and mingle in person. But he doesn't do the phone calls much, maybe once every other week or less. I just feel very disconnected from him right now and maybe he is feeling the same way? I don't love him less, I just am sad we aren't communicating, and seeing each other right now. Hopefully this will pick up soon when I am back. Our last conversation was about scheduling. I can't wait to see him on the 6th !

These text things are post the event where his partner P and I didn't really gel. So I think he was hurt by my feelings. We discussed this before I left, and we're working on building up trust again. I am not sure how To help since it's basically me saying I don't accept his current partner that hurts him. I don't need to accept her in my life. That's ok. He has said it was but he's adjusting to the loss of potential possibility probably. I mean I can't help how I feel about her, and I treated her with respect. But I won't be moving in with them or moving this in any escalator way (loss of expectations, and also P is really struggling, so it could be all that and work.) and I know his ideal poly is kitchen table poly. I want that too, just not with her at this moment in time, and I am not sure ever.(with her) So we can keep carrying on as we are, just us getting along with Trip separate of each other. And occasionally doing things together, like a few times a year. So we'll see if he's up for that when I get back. :)

Definitely some TLC is needed in person to reconnect and spend time together understanding and loving each other.
 
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I found out what the surprise is:

Rocky and his best buddy are headed to Arnold Schwarzenegger live and take a picture and talk to him. Rocky is sooooooo obsessed with this guy lol. Ah well, best buddy and him will have a fab time, I was just a little envious. Only because, well, I love travelling with Rocky :D:p

My workouts are coming along nicely and I finally hit 155 today! Woohoo!! I am sure that sexy times will be improved when I get back, more stamina and all ;) I also have this fantasy of using a strap on on a girl....:rolleyes: maybe I have enough core muscles and upper arm strength to do that now?

I am thinking maybe a random hookup while in high school city before I leave, I am missing sex badly! Sigh sigh. I do have two weeks left and it is getting near to period time again, so I alway get rather randy at that time lols.

I sent rocky a long email on my definitions of what I wanted with him, now that I have dropped the escalator with him. I also explained what marriage means to me since marriage means to him a loveless contract that is forced on someone and requires all the family to be up in your business and asking when you're going to have babies etc. so yeah I figured what I was saying and what he was thinking we're two different things. I know me sending info about marriage vows are confusing, but HEs the one who brought that topic down after I said lets just be intimate friends...so yeah. I felt I needed to clarify so he knew I wasn't his worst nightmare coming alive on the spot ha!

It's the first time I have ever thought of marriage vows.

When I was married before with ex husband..that ironically was a contract so we could get away from family :p also the vows were prescription through the Mormon church. Woot.

Lesson learned: problems with life + add new person to fix problem = bigger mess than you started with instead of solving the problem on your own.

I am feeling pretty confident that I can sort out my life now on my own. For the first time ever. Go me! Responsibility.....:cool::)
 
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I have avoided instigating text messages or emails to trip for a week now. Hard but nessecary. So he has spammed me with a lot of texts last night, which I didn't get until morning for me. I answered but he's ignored them. That was like 10 hours ago. And it's now night time there. Considering the texts he sent were about talking in Skype this weekend I won't have time now to explain face to face or messaging live that I am not free all weekend. I don't want to leave a message. I am learning his yes, is actually a no, or at best maybe.

But why instigate scheduling himself then back out of it, wish washy? Doesn't make sense. I will let him pick up the pieces if he can be bothered.

I am so bored of dating. No one I have dated has been rocky calibre yet. That mix of smart interesting funny and cheerful. And I don't want to be with people who doesnt have anything interesting to say or contribute. Or maybe I am just bored of people rather than they don't have anything interesting to say? I am also in a weird place of being bored with relationships right now too. I very much want to focus on work and education and rocky and maybe one other. I just haven't decided who that one other is yet.

I had a good time talking with Mr bond tonight but i just felt no spark. Sigh. I think it's at that point we need to meet in person, I hate ldrs, and this is turning into that. Combine my lack of interest in all things male related..and I just I don't know.

The only person I smile with and light up with right now is Rocky. (And Ivy) I am feeling very disconnected from the other two men because Mr bond is very into me, and I think we don't match up well. He feels I am "the one" and I call skeptical bullshit. I also think he was casually wanking off at one point of our Skype and I almost asked but I didn't want to assume the worst.

However...licking his lips and then one moving up and down with his hand out of the way...erm...

Yeah.

I think this guy wants sex and not a relationship. He's saying all the right things and doing all the right things but doesn't show a lot of emotions or interest in the conversation and frankly I am just not feeling it. Most relationships for me are 0 sum or negative sum at the moment other than rocky. So why invest? Plus I just don't have the emotional capability.

Mr bond kept texting me while I was talking to my girls on Skype after he knew I was talking to them. So I just stopped replying. I don't text either my guys all day long, I text them once per day or every other day. Sometimes if I catch rocky or trip online I will talk more, but not always. Some days I turn my phone off and just deal with life in the moment. He eventually realised what he was doing and apologised and stopped but I responded to none of those texts. I also have no desire to share my past or anything else. I am entering a strange new phase and way of relating to the world for me.

I retook the Briggs Meyer test...I used to be consistently INFP/ENFP with slight leaning towards I . Now I am ISTP. Apparently my core values and belief system have changed , and that's true they have, I am very different this year than any other time in my life, I am cautious, deliberate, careful, and I don't let people in as easily as I used to.

I am fucking sick and tired of men saying, wow star you're so easy to talk to, get along with, and I've never met anyone like this I can get along with.

And then assuming that means I get along with them that way.

Well I don't nessecarily, and just because you're comfortable doesn't mean I am.

What does this say about me?

I need to speak up more and set clear boundaries, and stop men In their tracks if it's something I don't want to hear, see, or be around.

I am not the local friendly psychologist.
 
Ahah I figured out what has got me so under the weather the past few days.

I am missing home. Now that the novelty of me being here has worn off my mother has gone back to treating me as she always done. Insisting I have an illness, changing goal posts, not keeping her word, saying one thing doing another...etc.

I don't want to be that mother to my kids.

But the things I am trying to squash that I am missing.

The smell of the rain in the morning, the damp and cold chill as you step outside on a fall London day. The sound of the British accent, and the sound of the bus that goes past my house regularly.

Curling up in my own bed, with my new duvet, that I bought this summer.
Waking up to instant coffee that I adore, with my "where there's tea there's hope , mug. Having my art supplies around me, that let me get on with the business of painting...I miss actually painting.
I miss the warm hugs and huge smile of Rocky.
I miss the giggles and playful fun of my girls, their moods and discussions, their silly knock knock jokes, and also giving them warm cuddles and kisses.

I miss walking along the Thames, watching the boats and taxis, letting the hum of the city drown out my isolation, where I can be both alone and together at the same time. The perfect combination for an introverted extrovert.

I miss the forest outside of my house, indeed any greenery in England that I can get lost in for hours, where I can find time to just contemplate and watch the simple things. There is big change when I get back, from a new job to new move, and it's exciting and scary and sad and happy all at once.

I am also a bit sad to leave here so soon, after so long reconnecting. I love the dry cold mountain air and the sunshine which has definitely topped up my vitamin D lol.
I also spoke up again today with Mr Bond telling him that he needs to slow down the sexual comments and couple innuendo and keep it platonic until we meet because I haven't decided if I want to date him yet. He was very respectful of this. I just keep having a negative niggling stomach feeling with him I can't place that makes me think this is not right. So I don't think it will go anywhere at this point. I want people who genuinely want to be my friends first, not hop into bed, unless we're fine with FB and people who don't have a lot of xperience with love and relationships don't tend to know how to be FB because they want more with me than I can give them.

Right now my whole world is around Rocky, and myself (health and education and my kids) in equal measure, and some small part of myself towards Ivy and Trip, but other than that I just don't have the energy and time, and a lot of the extra love and support ....the neediness I had before, that was unhealthy has now been resolved in America with my family. So I no longer feel like there's some hole I need to fill, or something. I feel like I have sorted that myself. My family is around me in England. And that is me, my girls, rocky, Ivy, siren and gale, and irishcoffee. And maybe Trip.? I feel pretty dang content with the awesome people in my world.
 
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Still no reply from trip from the spam texts a few days ago, see what I mean? He initiates scheduling then drops off the face of the world.

actions speak louder than words for me, and regardless how he feels for me when he texts or not, his erratic scheduling and lack of texting/any communication at all, erodes my trust and desire for him or my fondness for him. He never has any good reason he hasn't been in touch. His last one was, oh my the weekend went faster than planned. Like he and I have different amount of hours in a day to deal in? Lol. Oh I know, it's that he's able to bend the laws of physics and time speeds up for only him making it impossible to say "sorry plans changed unable to talk this weekend." NOTHING infuriates me more than a person who initiates a plan/time/day to do something and then backs out. :mad::mad::mad: that's now four or five times he's done that just on this vacation!

Anyway, I decided to give all the guys a break this weekend, I have turned off my phone , and am going hiking in the mountains. I will be around my brother and his gf and friends until Tuesday.

Rocky and Mr bond got back immediately-ish, within the next five hours. (even though rocky was with his mother celebrating her bday and Mr bond was sick and working and doing extra time at work with conference). Both of them made time to do a quick, " have fun, be safe, talk to you when you're back," message! So I know what I am asking of trip is not that much.

Rocky even went above and beyond saying how in love he is with me still, and the later another message saying he's sitting in his bed listening to James Horner and thinking of me (we share a love of classical music and film scores..) so I got a happy residual nice love glow from that and told him I would call as soon as I was back. Seriously, I didn't know it was possible to love someone this much, but God I love that man. He is so worth keeping, and I am seriously considering not doing poly for a while, not benching it forever but just focus inn education, kids, work, and rocky for a bit. See if he's down for that.

I don't know how to be non poly anymore, I have integrated it so much into my life and I want him to know that. That I am not stopping my identity or lifestyle, but just that right now, all I want is him.
 
The next morning, after months of no contact Leo got in touch saying he finished his dissertation and finished his degree. He also got a job placement in another country not too far from where I am and will be in England a few times a year. He asked if we could do an LDR , and he said he felt bad for the way he treated me but thinks we have a strong connection. I felt a spark again. Something that has been missing since trip and I have been on uncertain terms. Apparently my moods for one person can have a ripple knock on effect to other people unintentionally.

It was exciting to talk again. He explained that it was bad timing for him because of his dissertation but now that it's done he would like to keep in touch. One of his fantasies is lying in bed with me while I am making love to another man...:rolleyes:

So we'll see if that actually happens because if I recall he was very flakey before!
But we are discussing...mm his kisses were very nice and he had lovely long hair and a kind smile.

Psshh me giving up poly for rocky is just unrealistic. Glad I slept on that.
 
I have had a crazy weekend down at my brothers place.

We went hiking in the mountains on Friday, it was really good fun.

Then we went to crater hot spring as well, that was sixty five feet deep.

I don't really have a lot of meaningful stuff to say. I had fun chumming with the guys who are all much younger lol. Except one who was 35 and one of those "I will always party never grow up types".

It made me more passionate jot to turn into that type. I know I won't, I like my parties to be slightly more sophisticated now. Plus I enjoy intellectuals, and I am thinking I need to make sure I am choosing my friends, men and people I hang out with carefully.

Too much drama with the young ones, from cheating, to moving out, to a frat house full of alcohol and god knows what. I guess I wasn't missing much in my twenties it's been a fun weekend but I am glad to go back to my quiet organised life :) where I party with mulled wine and get invited over to others houses, and we all take trips abroad to places like Poland or Austria. :)

But I am enjoying this for the experience, it's nice to experience it at least once. It just makes me exhausted to think this is their lifestyle every weekend. I am so hung over and sick of sports and computer games. Lol. Give me th silence a good book and a walk in nature. That's my idea of heaven right now.
 
Not much going on on the poly front

Still no word other than a few disjointed text messages from Trip. They say he's sorry he's busy with work, and not much else. No replies to my questions, no scheduling etc. so I texted back my own disjointed message letting him know I made seperate arrangements to get picked up at airport.

And I have. Rocky is going to try to shift swap the day, and if he can't he doesn't work until 12 and my plane comes in at 6, so he'll take me by car to his place and come back to work, or we'll take tube together and he takes one of my luggage. I think I will insist on car ;)

So I will sleep at his for the weekend until I head home.

I am not sure if I want to do sexy fun times with him, we haven't talked about it, form his point of view, and he looked like a deer in head lights offering me to stay. He teased saying he thinks he just has cold feet and probably needs more socks...such a silly man.

I don't want to push anything on him though so I will stay friendly without kissing him.

I think I will be meeting up with Mr. Bond Monday, this guy is being super aggressive in pursuing me. I still have this sick to my stomach feeling about him for some reason and I don't know why. So I will meet in person, but not take him to my house, and if I still have that feeling in person I won't go forward.

I think I am pretty done with relationships for awhile . I am so burnt out, other than rocky, and that's hard work on its own. So yeah. I want to foster female relationships and people who are healthy in my life. Plus I am super focused on getting my new place, and saving up for that, as well as sorting out the rest of my life. Like work etc.
 
starlight1 said:
I think I will be meeting up with Mr. Bond Monday, this guy is being super aggressive in pursuing me. I still have this sick to my stomach feeling about him for some reason and I don't know why. So I will meet in person, but not take him to my house, and if I still have that feeling in person I won't go forward.

I think I am pretty done with relationships for awhile . I am so burnt out, other than rocky, and that's hard work on its own. So yeah. I want to foster female relationships and people who are healthy in my life. Plus I am super focused on getting my new place, and saving up for that, as well as sorting out the rest of my life. Like work etc.
Click to expand...

If you are having a weird feeling about meeting Mr. Bond, why meet him? Just because he's been pursuing you?

I've had odd feelings about someone I've been texting/PMing but had not yet met in person. Every time, when I've met them in person, nope, not compatible. Sounds like you are not just not into him from your blog. Why waste your time and his?
 
starlight1 said:
I think I will be meeting up with Mr. Bond Monday, this guy is being super aggressive in pursuing me. I still have this sick to my stomach feeling about him for some reason and I don't know why. So I will meet in person, but not take him to my house, and if I still have that feeling in person I won't go forward.
Click to expand...
Never second-guess your intuition! You don't owe him anything!
 
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Yeah, whenever I've been worn down by an insistent guy I am not feeling sure about, and go, "...Oh, all right!" and meet them, they are even worse in person than I'd imagined in texting with them. I still do it once in a while, and then feel stupid.

And if there's an actual sick feeling, I'd listen to it.
 
Thanks everyone. Really a lot :D

I appreciate it!

Well I want to meet him in person to tell him to his face I don't want him, because I feel bad he has invested all this month texting.

But he isn't good at listening to my boundaries, so it would probably be risky to do that in person.

I know gut instinct know he isn't ok with poly even though he is pretending to be cool with it. Hmm.

You're all right I don't owe him anything. Perhaps I will do a message and then block him on different platforms, i had such a sick feeling telling him about my area I live in, thankfully I didn't tell him my address.

He knew I was seeing either Trip or Rocky (or both) the weekend I get back and was really trying to get my time.

I said no thanks, I am not free, so then He said I will see you on Monday.

Er, no thanks. If I am trying to figure out where I stand with the men I am with, i really don't need an anti poly aggressive male. And it's interesting I wrote aggressive and not assertive. It feels like lack of respect dressed up in pretty words. And if feels off putting. Yup I am goi g to send him a message saying I changed my mind (with no reason) and then block him.

Another thing is I have told him every Wednesday I talk to my girls and I am not free...and he ignored that three times now, and I had to turn off my phone. I have been avoiding my phone all together because of how much he's been texting me. So yeah I won't waste my time or his anymore. Man I feel so good about that decision!

Thanks everyone :) you all are awesome!

Edited to add all sorted. No more phone calls, emails text messages. He is blocked on all platforms, and I kept the text messages just in case, I simply said, I have changed my mind and good bye and good luck, please don't contact me again.

And if he does contact me I have saved the ones I have if he continues I will threaten to report him, that should be enough to stop him. Weird that I feel so...threatened by him, in a way I didn't at all with Rocky or trip.
Sometimes I can be so blind at such obvious things. Apparently he came along at a weak mowmnt for me with family emotional stuff, trip and I working through stuff, and rocky and I working through a rocky patch.
 
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This near miss made me realise that I have been working through rough patches with both my guys, and hadn't addressed them yet.

Tonight I addressed both. I had an hour talk with both men.

Rocky said there might be another side to the trip story I didn't know and give him a chance to explain. So I did.

Trip said he just has serious disconnect issues with me being gone and he's missed me so much and has been unable to articulate what he's missing. That its not an energy time commitment thing, it's that he goes to text and looks at his phone and doesn't know what to say while I am away. That its been really hard for him, and painful, and he knows he hurt me and is hurting me, but feels so bad he doesn't know what to do.

This was really upsetting for me because it focuses and minimises my pain, so I couldn't get past his justifications to get to how to fix the problem. He did it again at the end of the conversation, "I might be free on Tuesday, will you be around then? " I said, maybe, but by the time he knows if he's free (Sunday) I will be traveling and have already made plans with my aunt Honour for the last four days with her till I fly back to England. I don't want to prioritise trip above my aunt when he has flaked so badly on me. I am still really upset about this.
The real thing that irks me that I didn't get to talk about is, that he expects me to drop everything for him and be available for a maybe, and he can't deal with my not being free for him, but then ISNT there for me when I need him.
I pointed out I had called, texted, numerous times and he had never got back to me.

He said about the time when I said I was only free on Friday for an hour he didn't respond because he was so upset I wasn't free.

Part of our conversation,..

Trip : I wish I could hold you like on the bridge in London, and be the one there for you who took all the bad things away.

Me: the day I poured drink on myself before I left?

Trip: no the day of court, when you needed someone and I was there.

Me: oh,...(pause) that was nice, thank you for being there that day (pause again thinking, about thirty seconds) do you like me now that I am becoming a strong woman?

Trip: (about thirty second pause while he thinks) It's hard for me. But I want to get used to, and enjoy it. I do know I miss you, and when you get back to England I want to reconnect and hold you, and I am so sorry for hurting you and not being there.

Me: ok, you can pick me up. We will discuss this more later in person. Thank you Trip.

Trip: can you bring me something when you get back?

Me: umm...ok?

Trip: you. Please.

Me: aww..you're cheesy. :)

Trip: Seriously though, I don't want this to head towards us ending, like it feels like it is. I will do better. I promise. We'll work out a plan for future vacations and work trips abroad.

I just miss you, your smell, your face, I can't connect with you like this and I am struggling so much missing you, and also failing you. I never let anyone down in work or life, and I have let you down. I am so sorry. (Nearly crying)

(Now I feel like the bad guy, even though he's the one whose been ignoring me. even knowing this, I still feel less valued, when he doesn't text. Is that my issue or his? Is it really such a deal breaker I make it out to be even though he still cares for me when I am not around?)

Me: I still feel less valued, and ignored. I know some is me, and some is our love language communication style. I like being texted once per day. (And here I compared being bad) rocky texts me five times a day.

Trip:(joking voice) that's just needy.

Me: (laughing) no it's not, I love it! I wish you would contact me at least once a day, to like once a week with Skype or phone. We could do phone instead? we don't have to do texting, I just want to hear from you. More than hi, I am busy, tired sorry not been in contact.

Trip: (still joking) or maybe co-dependant?

Me: nah just verbose.

Trip: opening up for me is not easy at good times, right now isn't good times at work or at home, Topping how much I miss you and how disconnected I feel with text, it's been so hard for me to open up.

We finished talked, and I acknowledged his side and did my best to understand, and explained my side of needing to communicate this way often because of my family in USA etc.

So we just have different communication styles, and a lot to work on.

after this conversation rocky got ahold of me saying he missed me and asking if we could talk. Warm fuzzies.

Funny how I feel better and life is better when I reconnect with both of him. I told rocky thanks for the advice about trip, and sorry for offloading, he said it's ok, and I am pretty good about keeping it seperate, hat I don't mention other people often. That was nice to hear,

I asked about having sex at his in the night and how he was feeling about an us. He said he wants to drop labels for now, and if we have sex great, if not that's ok, he would leave it compeletly up to me. That he loves me and respects me, and he knows that he doesn't deserve me, and that I am awesome and he said verbatim. I just want to see you smile like this ever day, I love you (star) and you are such an awesome attractive person. I can't wait to see you and cuddle and talk and reconnect. I have missed you.

So I think things are going well and I am VERY glad I am not adding more relationships to the mix.

He told me he had a dream about me too. He said that he was on a cliff, and had fallen off the edge (he's very afraid of heights ) , and that I caught him and picked him back up and saved his life. He woke up missing me.

God I love that man.

Good feels today. Lots of work to do, but I am happy today at least that thins are heading in the right direction, and the fact Rocky is so cool with trip...just very awesome.

Another big deal that happened today. Rocky readded me on Facebook, knowing I would openly have my poly status plus pictures of him me and Trip on there. Wow huge.
 
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I forgot to block Mr Bond on OKC and he messaged this morning with smiles and hello and saying please message him on there if I want.

His four smiley faces, made me even more queasy and I felt right in blocking him and deleting the message without replying.

Then I figured out why his message bothered me. If I were him I would be hurt and upset about this, and his blatant overly nice routine has continually seemed false to me in text and email. Especially when we Skyped he wouldn't even smile.

So I think my assessments on his pretending to be ok with things that he wasn't ok with was very much truth. And my perceptions picked up on this. At least now I can make sense of the sick feeling and I can put this behind me. This isn't the first man I have dated that secretly wanted to change me but came across as being cool with everything. I could tell because he was really threatened by Rocky and constantly asking what my status with him was...which truthfully was none of his damn business. (Sexual, physical, emotional etc.) and it wasn't open honest questioning it was more like interrogation. Especially when he was like, yesterday, "I can't wait to be a part of every part of your life Star. I want to become one with you." Gag me please. Yuck!
 
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Yuck and ewwww.... I hope you then blocked him on okc!

I believe Trip. I think he just doesn't like to text. Some people just don't like to. And you've been away what must seem like ages to him. He needs physical contact to feel connected. I agree it sucks that he makes promises to text or Skype and then doesn't follow through. But if I were you, I'd take a wait and see attitude.

I prefer lovers who text often, but even when miss pixi and I were living apart, she didn't text as often as I wished, and she didn't want to do sexy chat when we did chat. But in person, she is all over me cuddling and complimenting and flirting and doing sexy time, and telling me her deepest feelings, and telling me she loves me all the time, and going on dates, and doing projects together, etc., etc.

So I hope it works out with Trip. He seems like a nice guy.
 
I woke up with a migraine, form restless sleep last night.

When I couldn't sleep last night I decided to start packing my suitcases for my stuff and the girls things.

The suitcase my mother "gave" me was a hand down from a broken case she had just used in Work trip away for three days.

I went in this morning to continue to pack, and see if I could fit more in, and found she had gone through my suitcase with out permission. I confronted her on this calming, but she started an argument where she was mad I had chose to prioritise my daughters baby blanket I had left here in 2011, and a handmade queen size quilt grandma had made me in 2004, over the clothes for my daughters. In reality I wasn't finished packing, and I told her I would be happy shipping the rest to my home myself.

edited to add I did fit all the clothes in, codependent I need to justify my adult actions here? So hard to feel like a woman in my own right around her, but I am keeping my cool and focusing on people who do love and care for me, such as aunt Honour and my grandma. Plenty of adult women who are healthy examples. :)

She got angry at this again, we did eventually talk about it later when I apologised but she did not. She didn't think she did anything wrong. But it's so close to me leaving I don't want her or I to have bad blood. I expect she is lashing out because I am leaving instead of dealing with her feelings of sadness and anger, and that I obviously have a closer bond with grandma and honour than her. this is her responsibility to repair now not just me. So if she needs validation that I love her more, she needs to stop being a bitch to me, and doing passive aggressive comments like I am too fat/thin and making disparaging comments about my food choices...

Then she said, it's fine for her to look through my things because it was HER suitcase and HER gifts to the girls. Uhm. WTF? Once something is given my understanding is it NO LONGER BELONGS TO THE GIVER.

I am doing my best to stay calm, and get through these last few days. I Have done so well. Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut. By my mothers logic she will find offence in this too because SHE wants a hair cut and won't go get one, and so me doing it will obviously be a slap in her face. I know how she operates. I was going to ask her to take me, but asked dad instead as I predicted I knew she would be upset...and she was...

I also thought about offering to get her a hair cut, but she got all upset about me using my money to ship items to UK in parcels?? So I wasn't sure she would be receptive to this gift...I feel like I walk on egg shells around her, and the best way to deal with it is small doses, and ignoring a lot of what she says/does and just do my own thing...we have barely bonded and spent any time together while being here and frankly I prefer it that way than risking bringing up just how upset I am that she offered to support ex husband for kids than me during court, there is a certain line one must draw. And my emotional capacity to love her has broken somewhere inside me. I can be fond of her, but she is not longer "mother" to me in my mind any more than my bio dad. so I focus on what I can do. I be kind and civil and stick far away from sensitive topics. Even if we had months of therapy (which I asked and she refused many times), I wouldn't have the emotional capacity to deal with it right now. My life is worth living happy and fulfilled right now without attaching to her. Taken me years to finally be a full and complete adult...she did not know how to teach me, and she is mor broken than me and I cannot help her because of the damage between us...:(

Some things just have no closure or resolution just an agreement to ones sanity to not kick the hornets nest. 9 years, abuse, trauma, reached out, begged for help, was in refuges, was broken and sad, and she never was there for me. Never there for my girls. And she had the means and time to do it too. I just cannot open myself to the risk of being hurt by her again ever. I will take calculated risks with other people, like rocky or trip, or even my brother, but not her. She has had too many. She is the ay she is. I am listening to hale storm while I grieve one more time for the past. Last night I sobbed myself to sleep thinking of all the love I had despite her that I walked away from because I was so fixated on having my mothers love. I had no idea how much dad, sister, brother, and grandma loved me then. No idea at all because it wasn't HER love. So I grieved last night. And when I get on that plane, I will not look back for her. I will miss grandma , dad, sister, brother and friends. But not her. She doesn't deserve my devotion or trust. Just because she gave birth to me doesn't mean she is healthy for me.

But whatever, I need to get imy hair cut done and it's 30 £ cheaper than UK, and it's a good hairdresser. I have used them in the past. :)

I dropped the argument knowing it's pointless trying to get her to see reason. Her logic is illogical to me.

I will get through this. I could really do with a hug. I wish I were able to forgive like rocky. But then rocky hasn't been asked to forgive what she has done, or ever had someone do to him what I had to go through so not a fair comparison. Sigh. Can I forgive her for my own sanity? Can I be at peace with the fact my mother is who she is, and her capacity to show love is stuttered and broken, and she herself so not well. I see how my grandma had forgiven her, and loves her still...maybe I should ask her.
 
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Magdlyn said:
Yuck and ewwww.... I hope you then blocked him on okc!

I believe Trip. I think he just doesn't like to text. Some people just don't like to. And you've been away what must seem like ages to him. He needs physical contact to feel connected. I agree it sucks that he makes promises to text or Skype and then doesn't follow through. But if I were you, I'd take a wait and see attitude.

I prefer lovers who text often, but even when miss pixi and I were living apart, she didn't text as often as I wished, and she didn't want to do sexy chat when we did chat. But in person, she is all over me cuddling and complimenting and flirting and doing sexy time, and telling me her deepest feelings, and telling me she loves me all the time, and going on dates, and doing projects together, etc., etc.

So I hope it works out with Trip. He seems like a nice guy.
Click to expand...

Yup I did block him. Why it took me a month to puzzle it together I am not sure. But I am sure glad I didn't meet him. Whew.

I appreciate your advice in these forums ad reading your blog. Rocky also said to take a wait and see.so between you both, I may stop reacting and start rebuilding. I think I am just not good at being there for him right now, and he really needs someone. I feel like he is where I was when I finally realised I was in an abusive relationship with my ex. I am not saying he IS in one, just that's something in his life is making him deeply unhappy, and it needs to change, and whether that is self inflicted, or outside, or both, he has no one to confide in except me. From what I know of of his current relationships and myself, he has let me in deeper than almost anyone and I have been so heartless lately. And a bit selfish. I feel awful. I think a part of my heart shut down when Rocky rejected me, and my family did too, tat is only just repairing. And we'll trip took the brunt of that emotional turmoil and damage. Bless him.

I owe him big hugs and a sincere apology. I also need to figure out what gift to get him. So far I have gotten rocky a cowboy belt, and girls gifts, and Ivy a gift, but nothing for trip. I think I might give him a print of my own artwork. I have a few that are beautiful...and abstract impressionistic watercolour with calming turquoise and greens. I don't talk much about my artwork because well this is a poly blog. Lol.

Anyway, thanks mags for the advice. I think we will be ok, it's 8 more days. I can do this!

I also had three other pleasant surprises today.

One was a long sexy text conversation with rocky, that he initiated. He said he is very aware of how close he was to losing me in his life and he didn't want to repeat that in the future. Inspired by bluebird and warmans struggles and communications I said the best way to solve this was to figure out what he wanted, so we are reading more than two together. Thanks bluebird and warman, I wouldn't have had the guts to ask him if I didn't see how you two are working through it! He agreed and we're going to do a chapter once/ twice a month, slow progress but he's working on French and body building, and work, and religious festivals with family, as well as family business...and trips abroad. It's crazy busy time for him!

The second surprise was a in person text conversation with trip on his way home from work, it wasn't as sexy, and he was exhausted but I sent him cheery pictures and cuddles and listened quietly. It made my day he tried and we joked with each other a bit, we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel here with me getting back so soon and I literally can't wait to see him at the exit of my plane...to know I get to walk into his arms and scent. I may break down and cry, I am getting emotional thinking about it.

The third surprise was a text from my ex husband about the kids. Rosebud is missing me horribly, and exhusband requested if I could talk to her tomorrow morning. Hell yes! I would move heaven and earth for those girls and I am so glad he's loosening up on his time with them talking to me...and listening to them wanting to talk to me. Hurrah! So I wake up at 730 am to talk to them on Skype. :D:D:D

Weirdly I had just got back from SAMs club making a bunch of collage pictures to put together as an activity when we get back, so the girls can make sense of the places they have lived and what's happened in their life in a positive and happy way. Despite the negative things the girls need to know that many people love them, even if we all can't love each other like we all love them. We can all agree on that at least. So very excited to return home and see my beautiful daughters. It's been too long.

And one last awesome surprise, it rained today in high school city for the first time since I have been here a month!! The fog and rain made me cry with happiness. And falling asleep to the sound of rain makes me so happy. :D

I also got migraine medicine for my headache, which has much improved my mood. Stupid head cold! had sniffles and watery eyes all day.
 
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There's something bothering my tonight only I don't know what.

I have been listening to a familiar taste of poison and feeling like I am grieving something, I know I have written about my family and home and my NPD mom. But today feels like the closing of a book. A since of bitter sweet regret and anger mixed with hatred towards my mother is simmering beneath the surface.

I guess I should explain the situation.

I spoke to the girls on Friday morning for me, first thing. Very excited to talk to them. But then their Grandma (ex husbands bio mom ) got on the phone. I have so much angrier at her because she started in to me and I lost it at her. Normally I don't rise to the bait but I am halfway around the world having dealt with some of the most traumatising things one can go through with family, and I just didn't need it from her. My conversations next time will go like this, I don't wish you speak yo u please put rosebud/shooting star on. But I just wasn't able to, I wasn't caffienated, just started period, and grieving loss of many things, I was also pissed off and stood up for myself.

I told her to fuck off at the end. THen she gets off the phone and tells my oldest the whole convo...argh!!
So this was really early, I ended up crawling into my grandma ps bed like I was 7 all over again. God how I missed having someone like that in my life. My mother has never been that for me ever, my grandma has always been. I love the crap out of that woman. She is phenomenal.
So anyway. Usually my grandma doesn't share things with people, she is usually tight lipped.
But she's trying to help improve things with me and my mom.
Anyway...
I wake up to find out she knows something about what's going on. And my mo used the situation to her advantage to make her self look like a good person. She tried to hug em, and I went stiff, I felt physically ill with her touching me.

Anyway, I think this is what I am processing, I have successfully done the hard work over ten years, to finally detach myself from my toxic NPD mother. It wasn't easy, but I had to do it for my own sanity. My mother doesn't really love me, she goes through all the right motions but it is a lie at her core her, her true self, once stripped of outside mirrors and masks. That's why familiar taste of poison is my motto. It's a reminder of where I was, it's where i was with exhusband who is a male version of her, but takes it farther...

It makes me sad because in her drawing me in phase, like right now, she is fun and interesting and kind, but the subtle tearing down has already started to happen. She has went from being a supporter of my he thy lifestyle to mocking me. She has gone from entertaining me while here to spending this week ignoring me all together.

The reason I trigger and get so upset with Trip is because this is the type of communication style my mother has always had. So trip is unwittingly tripping my insecurities and anger that arise with myself with the way my mother treated me, and I find myself in similar mind loops...am I not good enough? Then going hell yes I am.l.why doesn't he give a fuck? And not being able to tangle out my messed up thoughts in those mosment arhat trip isn't her, he isn't hating me secretly or openly. He actually cares a great deal.

But now that I know, I need to figure out if this relationship is healthy for me, if I am triggering with mother issues. Can I seperate the two right now? Can I be there for him and go let go of this negativity? Can I be self aware enough not to let this trip me up with Trip? I sure hope so. I am learning a lot with Trip, around him and without him...and I want to keep knowing him. I want to feel safe with him, and I want to let this bitterness of my mother go. I want off that mother crazy merrygoround.

I am going to go sob in a little ball. I hate leaving people I love. It hurts so damn much. I hate that I am so forgettable to my mom, and just easy to walk away from. I hate that I can't be around her and I missed out on all the love I did have...that I was so fucked up by my parents I had no idea how many wonderful people were in my life.

I never did get that therapist awhile back because of education and vacation. And I just don't have the emotional resources to dig deeper than I let myself do here. I put it here then I put it away in my mind, it's a safe spot, that lets me process and let go.

My Mother had the gall last night when my sister was here to talk about my girls and how bitter sweet it was to see me with her girls.

I said, no it's not, I am in a joyful place because my sister and her kids are happy; It has nothing to do with me. (Secretly I was upset, because I hated how my mother rushed in to help my step sister with her family but hadn't once been there for me. However, I would never put a damper on the mood or family by bringing that up, for her to do it two night before I leave is cruel. And she did it quietly when alone with me, so she couldn't be outed. I wasn't about to admit that I was in any way upset. That would have given my mother her narc supply and I was damned if I would ever be her supply again. She enjoys when I am upset.) so yeah I am pretty pissed off at her poison in my life,
And I will never let anyone treat me that way again.
 
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