How to handle a horrible but unavoidable metamour relationship?

U

UmBongo

New member
I seem to have somehow angered the gods of poly and ended up in my worst case scenario.

My partner C is now in a relationship with a person F who I absolutely cannot stand but also cannot avoid. This combination of circumstances is driving me mad and causing a lot of unhappiness but I have no clue how to fix it.

F isn't a bad or dangerous person and their relationship rings no alarm bells, so there’s no reason for them to not be together. I just can’t be happy for them or feel okay around them because I have such an intense personal dislike of F.

The obvious solution would be to avoid F and have nothing to do with their relationship, which I would be quite happy with. The problem is F lives in the same town as me (C lives a few hours away). We share a lot of interests and are part of the same social groups, so it’s almost impossible for me to avoid them without losing a large chunk of my social life and a lot of mutual friends.

The only other possible solution I can see is to get over it and learn to get along with F. Believe me, I've tried. We’re often in the same spaces so I've spent a lot of time trying to find common ground since long before C and F got together. Unfortunately the more I've gotten to know F the more I dislike them. We've been polite and amicable towards each other but I've progressed from seeing them as a bit of an unpleasant creep to an absolutely awful person that I don’t want to interact with at all.

Now that they’re together I don’t feel comfortable being in the same room as F. I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself without my feelings about them intruding. But even if I do leave our mutual social groups, there’s always the risk of seeing F (or worse F and C together) around town, so there’s no real way to keep this relationship separate from my life.

I don’t want to be hostile to F or create further awkwardness, nor do I want to let this issue affect my relationship with C. Obviously I don’t want C to compromise their relationships because of me; I would never feel comfortable with anything resembling a veto. This is having a massive and unavoidable negative impact on my life though and I've run out of ideas for how to make it workable.

Does anyone here have any similar experiences or suggestions?
 
i understand the feeling, same problem here but im lucky only have to tolerate it for 2 more weeks and then i never have to see her again.
dont have a solution for you sadly other then see it as the annoying collega you have to work with?
feel for you, good luck
 
You say that you tried to get to know and get along with this person before they were with your mutual partner? Just because they were friends with people you were friends with?

Probably it is because I am an introvert and don't need to spend a lot of time/energy with other people, but this is a situation that would not be a big problem for me. When I want to spend time with my friends, I usually spend time with them alone. On the rare occasion that I feel compelled to go to a party or a concert with people that I don't get along with, I make sure that enough people (generally 3) that I do like are going to be there so I never have to talk to people I don't like. "Formal polite" is good enough for me (i.e. as polite as I would be to a random stranger or someone I recognized but didn't know - a nod of acknowledgement.)

I would let C know that I was not fond of F and if I saw them out together I would not approach them for conversation, so that C would know why and not worry that I was giving them the "cold shoulder"...and work on developing a peaceful air of zen indifference to F (not hard for me, I am indifferent to most people).
 
Hi UmBongo,

Could you be more specific about what things you dislike about F? In your post you say, "F isn't a bad or dangerous person," but later in the same post you say, "I've progressed from seeing them as a bit of an unpleasant creep to an absolutely awful person that I don’t want to interact with at all." Doesn't that make F a rather bad person? or are you saying that you have a mistaken perception of F? If so, what is causing this misperception?

If you can give me some more info, I might be able to think of some useful advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Personally, I have no problem ot interacting with someone I don't like. What you have to work on is getting over these feelings and treat them like you don't know them. Don't let your dislike for them consume you.
 
vinsanity0 said:
What you have to work on is getting over these feelings and treat them like you don't know them. Don't let your dislike for them consume you.
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This is what I mean by "peaceful air of zen indifference" - they mean nothing to you. You don't have to like them. Their actions do not matter (unless they attack you personally). The fact that your partner likes them (to whatever degree) is irrelevant.
 
You are not able to be stranger polite like you would be to people around town? Like... "Good morning, Miss Bank Teller." or "Good morning, Mr Grocery Clerk."

You don't have to be super friendly or find common ground with those people in town or anything. Could stop trying to find common ground with F and accept "strange polite" is where it might be better with F.

Focus on what you want instead:

I don’t want to be hostile to F or create further awkwardness, nor do I want to let this issue affect my relationship with C.
Click to expand...

Rather than focus on what you do not want:

I don’t feel comfortable being in the same room as F. I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself without my feelings about them intruding.
Click to expand...

If you keep telling yourself that you are going to be on edge focussing on being uncomfortable. Could change it to

"Eh. F is here. If we cross paths I can be stranger polite howdy. Or I could do it now and get it over with. Then I can focus on having a good time with these other people and not deal in F."

Galagirl
 
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