This Again (Persistent Patterns)
- Thread starter River
- Start date
River
Well-known member
Here we go again.
I'm sharing here (below the line) my blog post of today. I'm doing so because I'd like to have "feedback" on it, and I know people will be reluctant to offer such feedback in my blog space.
Some of you have already read in here about my recent falling in love experience, and those who have not can have a look at the earlier blog posts.
_____________________________________________
Yesterday evening he let it be known that he's planning on leaving the region in which I live after graduation from his university. And my roots and life are here.
So I'm going to abruptly shift gears with him and just be platonic friends with him. Again. (Ouch.)
Some part of me wants to generate a story from this which goes roughly like this: "Gay and bi men are generally not available for long term, polyamorous loving relationships. Both men and women tend for various reasons not to be aviailable for such relationships with me."
Worse, it wants to say: "Because I've always had things come to an abrupt end soon after it gets started, I'm doomed to repeat this experience over and over and over again -- or to simply stop trying to include another love in my life."
I want to resist buying into these stories, because I'm pretty convinced that if I come to believe them I will be creating the very condition I bemoan.
I've been seeing this pattern for so long now that it looks and feels like a broken record. And I'm genuinely curious to understand how I may possibly be unwittingly involved in the creation of this broken record pattern.
Perhaps I've come to believe this must always happen to me already, and, somehow (mysteriously) this belief is implicated in my unfolding experience?
I'm sharing here (below the line) my blog post of today. I'm doing so because I'd like to have "feedback" on it, and I know people will be reluctant to offer such feedback in my blog space.
Some of you have already read in here about my recent falling in love experience, and those who have not can have a look at the earlier blog posts.
_____________________________________________
Yesterday evening he let it be known that he's planning on leaving the region in which I live after graduation from his university. And my roots and life are here.
So I'm going to abruptly shift gears with him and just be platonic friends with him. Again. (Ouch.)
Some part of me wants to generate a story from this which goes roughly like this: "Gay and bi men are generally not available for long term, polyamorous loving relationships. Both men and women tend for various reasons not to be aviailable for such relationships with me."
Worse, it wants to say: "Because I've always had things come to an abrupt end soon after it gets started, I'm doomed to repeat this experience over and over and over again -- or to simply stop trying to include another love in my life."
I want to resist buying into these stories, because I'm pretty convinced that if I come to believe them I will be creating the very condition I bemoan.
I've been seeing this pattern for so long now that it looks and feels like a broken record. And I'm genuinely curious to understand how I may possibly be unwittingly involved in the creation of this broken record pattern.
Perhaps I've come to believe this must always happen to me already, and, somehow (mysteriously) this belief is implicated in my unfolding experience?
I have always gotten involved with men who are witty, intelligent, kind, sociable, totally fun to be around with good social networks. It is only when I am deeply involved that I discover that they are also depressives. Like my Dad. Go figure. But still, they are not wandering around depressed when I meet them, get to be friends with them and eventually fall in love, so why do they and I keep being attracted to each other?
When I was a kid I was completely into Jonathan Winters and Robin Williams. A sign of things to come?
Leetah
When I was a kid I was completely into Jonathan Winters and Robin Williams. A sign of things to come?
Leetah
River
Well-known member
Good question? Perhaps there is an unconscious sensing of some sort going on here? But I find these patters generally mysterious.
I do know I really, really (consciously) don't want to be involved in any way with unavailable people in the future -- even if their unavailability masquerades as availability. I'm, like, totally over it.
vinsanity0
Active member
I firmly believe the subconcious mind does dictate quite a bit of our behavior, even when we realize it is happening.
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Inyourendo
New member
I have always been attracted to loners who are creative, geeky, and not into partying.
River
Well-known member
Do these words describe your own nature, as well?
IndieSolo
Active member
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River
Well-known member
Thanks nycindie. Telling a story like that is both an act of generosity and of courage.
Inyourendo
New member
Nope, I'm none of those things
opalescent
Active member
I tend to be attracted to very empathetic people. I don't know exactly why yet. I suspect it may have to do with feeling deeply understood. Or why people with that ability are attracted to me - it's been a two-way street.
River
Well-known member
Gosh, I thought that was just a human trait. Who knew? It seems perfectly natural to me -- perhaps especially in our present society in which (very strangely, to me) empathy is seen by some to be special or rare....
It seems like you are in a rural area - is that correct? I'm wondering if some of the things that love in people are also things that either trigger wanderlust in them or possibly that they feel "too big" for the place where you live, and so they move on to other places.
I'm sort of looking for a "X behavior often (but not always) means Y consequence" when I'm thinking about that.
For me, I really like passionate people who aren't afraid to argue or debate about nearly any subject in the world and will dig in really deeply to meaty or fraught topics. It took me a while to realize that I needed to refine my "passionate" preference and look for people who are also deeply respectful of the humanity of other people. This was after years of meeting (and loving) passionate people who were also raging assholes, because their passion also had a lot of arrogance attached to it. Once I started sussing out the passionate people I met and rejecting the ones that could be nasty or condescending to those who disagreed with them (and couldn't support their disagreement with an argument that was "good enough" to the passionate person in question), the quality of the passionate people in my life rose considerably.
Does that make sense?
I'm sort of looking for a "X behavior often (but not always) means Y consequence" when I'm thinking about that.
For me, I really like passionate people who aren't afraid to argue or debate about nearly any subject in the world and will dig in really deeply to meaty or fraught topics. It took me a while to realize that I needed to refine my "passionate" preference and look for people who are also deeply respectful of the humanity of other people. This was after years of meeting (and loving) passionate people who were also raging assholes, because their passion also had a lot of arrogance attached to it. Once I started sussing out the passionate people I met and rejecting the ones that could be nasty or condescending to those who disagreed with them (and couldn't support their disagreement with an argument that was "good enough" to the passionate person in question), the quality of the passionate people in my life rose considerably.
Does that make sense?
River
Well-known member
I live in a small city which those from big cities think of as a quaint little village -- Santa Fe, New Mexico, population 69,204 in 2012. While this is certainly not a rural area from my perspective as a kind of country boy, this little city is surrounded by vast regions of very sparsely (humanly) populated wild lands. Santa Fe is actually the largest city I've ever lived in, believe it or not.
Sure. I also tend to be attracted to intense or passionate people ... especially those with kindness, warmth and compassion toward others.
It takes a lot of life experience to learn the many things we've learned or are learning--, doesn't it?
My long time partner often says "Youth is wasted on the young". LOL. They are so pretty when they are wet behind the ears.
The exception to the rule
I was drawn to this post because of recent (not again!) problems I've experienced - basically I've got two 'types' - straight talking, straightforward guys who often have Aspergers or similar and I have a simple but perhaps less exciting relationship with them, and creative, charismatic, complicated, 'damaged' types who bring out my codependent side and I have whirlwind, destructive relationships with them...
... and then there's my husband, who is neither. This has always confused me - he's my rock, he's my soulmate and he's completely different to anyone else I've been attracted to. We got together at a young(ish) age and I've been counting my blessings ever since.
I was drawn to this post because of recent (not again!) problems I've experienced - basically I've got two 'types' - straight talking, straightforward guys who often have Aspergers or similar and I have a simple but perhaps less exciting relationship with them, and creative, charismatic, complicated, 'damaged' types who bring out my codependent side and I have whirlwind, destructive relationships with them...
... and then there's my husband, who is neither. This has always confused me - he's my rock, he's my soulmate and he's completely different to anyone else I've been attracted to. We got together at a young(ish) age and I've been counting my blessings ever since.
I guess my pattern is that I've had two sets of partner/s in my life who have been very forgiving, even accomodating, of my shortcomings. In recent years I seem to have finally stopped having raging meltdowns, but I'm also lazy as hell and my companions carry the workload around here without a word of complaint.
I think I've been really really lucky.
I think I've been really really lucky.
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
I'm a recovering NRE junkie
In every relationship I've had outside my marriage, I've basically freaked out and started sabotaging the relationship when the NRE started to wear off after 6-12 months. At least I'm finally seeing the pattern huh
There are a few reasons I do this (well, I'm sure there are endless reasons, but these are the big three I've figured out)
1. I simply enjoy the emotional high of NRE and when it fades, I miss it. I stir up drama to get the roller coaster of intense emotions rolling again.
2. I'm scared to let a second relationship move from the whirlwind dating phase to the comfy cozy bonded phase, because I feel like when that happens it will be more of a threat to my relationship with my husband.
3. I have no idea what shape a long term "secondary" relationship would take. When my husband and I hit one year together, two years together, we were moving in and getting married and building a future together. Without that Relationship Escalator, I get frustrated, panic, worry, and somehow blame my partner for those feelings.
I'm trying soooo hard to break that pattern with my current bf. To be patient and let things unfold naturally, instead of turning every tiny issue into a break up worthy disaster. But it's hard.
Wow. I feel like I'm at AA or something. Admitting that stuff (even on an anonymous forum ) was really cathartic.
In every relationship I've had outside my marriage, I've basically freaked out and started sabotaging the relationship when the NRE started to wear off after 6-12 months. At least I'm finally seeing the pattern huh
There are a few reasons I do this (well, I'm sure there are endless reasons, but these are the big three I've figured out)
1. I simply enjoy the emotional high of NRE and when it fades, I miss it. I stir up drama to get the roller coaster of intense emotions rolling again.
2. I'm scared to let a second relationship move from the whirlwind dating phase to the comfy cozy bonded phase, because I feel like when that happens it will be more of a threat to my relationship with my husband.
3. I have no idea what shape a long term "secondary" relationship would take. When my husband and I hit one year together, two years together, we were moving in and getting married and building a future together. Without that Relationship Escalator, I get frustrated, panic, worry, and somehow blame my partner for those feelings.
I'm trying soooo hard to break that pattern with my current bf. To be patient and let things unfold naturally, instead of turning every tiny issue into a break up worthy disaster. But it's hard.
Wow. I feel like I'm at AA or something. Admitting that stuff (even on an anonymous forum
) was really cathartic.
River
Well-known member
1. Another "high" lay around the bend, but it is perhaps subtler (though intensely subtle) if you will be willing to let go of the less subtle zingy energy of NRE and settle into the subtler but equally delicious post-NRE vibe.
2. Find and examine the underlying beliefs here. Are they really true? Is there really a "threat"?
3. Let "the future" unveil itself as something yet unknown in the present. In other words, don't try to manage and control this unfoldment so that looks like the little familiar categories of your familiar/comfortable world/self. In other words, just let it be what it is without so much cartography, mapping and modelling -- and control. Let go. Don't fit it to the familiar and known as a desperate attempt to make the future (present) always resemble the past. It isn't. Let it be. Let "the future" disclose itself to you afresh in each this moment of now. Be courageous! Risk the adventure.
Forget about the map. Leap.