Desperate Help! >.<

[lovelynina]

Hey!

My name's Nina. I'm pretty new to this poly community. In fact, I joined today. Because I am in desperate need of your help, advice, or whatever you think it could benefit me. Before I start, this is going to be a bit of a long message.

Few months ago, my friend and I decided to go to a LGBT nightclub for dancing. While dancing, I bumped into someone who I used to work with. He introduced me to one of his friends. She's the "A", which I'm going to use to tell the story about us. So, A couldn't help staring at me. We continued dancing, but she moved closer to me. Before I realize it, we ended up grinding on each other and dancing like wild. It was limerence at first. We're attracted to each other both physically and sexually. It's such an incredible, powerful connection for both of us. When I felt the ring on her left finger, she immediately explained to me that she's engaged to her girlfriend and thought I'd freak out. To my astionishment, I was not freaking out in any way. That was a bit weird and unexpected because I'd react awkwardly. For whatever the reason is, I appreciate the way she is being open and honest with me from the start.

As long as I could remember, I've been in many monogamous relationships (mostly with men). Most of them ended shortly. Until last year, I began dating women only. The first woman was asexual. It was one of the most difficult dating experiences I've ever had as a highly sexual person. I don't think I want to go through that again, honestly. The second woman and I kind of rushed from dating to getting into a monogamous, commited relationship to living together. She had extremely jealousy issues and insecurities, which I obviously failed at giving what she wants/needs. For a while, I stayed single before starting to date women casually until I met A.

After spending time with A, she and I fell in love with each other and couldn't help choosing each other more and more. I acknowledge that she lives with her fiancee and is engaged. But since A told her fiancee about us entering a poly relationship, they've been fighting a lot. Her fiancee is a controlling introverted person, so she really doesn't want to know anything about us at all. A and I wanted all of us to, you know, meet and get to know one another in the same space, which we both thought how nice it will be. However, her fiancee is completely against that. She even told A that she'd say mean things to me. I told A that I can't be the cause of her other relationship breaking down and hurting 2 people. A assured me that it doesn't have to do anything with me and she'd make sure that her fiancee doesn't use me as an excuse to break up or puts me to be blamed. She said that her fiancee doesn't like new changes and need more time. So, okay, I trust her. Although, they have some opposite views on many things and supposedly make an effective team as A said so. A and I share many similiar interests/beliefs/views. We have been researching a lot of information and resources about poly. Also, A is trying to educate her fiancee as well.

In the meantime, they got into another fight... Again because of me. Without any kind of informed consent or mutual agreement upon everyone who is involved, her fiancee wanted A to stop seeing me, but A told her that she has to let her go and do what she wants because, without me, she could not feel complete. They ended up agreeing without me being there that her fiancee would allow A to spend time with me once or twice a week. On top of that, A and I don't get to spend a night unless her fiancee is in a great mood. Her fiancee's still uncomfortable with what we are doing. It's like I really don't have a say in schedule. It hurts me that she dislikes me because A wants to be with me. I'm happy for them and want to meet her because she also makes A happy as well.

For the schedule part, I sent her a text saying that if it goes on like that way for a while, I can't handle it anymore because all I ask for is to spend at least one night once a week. A is worried that it will make her fiancee unhappy. But I told her that we can just put an end to this new relationship. She was like no let's book a night next week! Then I asked why not spend a night at my place just cuddling and watching a movie. It's nice having some downtime, you know? Then she said that she has to go back home by 10pm... I don't know what to do anymore!

Obviously, it's the first time for us to experience a poly relationship. A and her fiancee tell each other everything, but we don't. I don't even know what her schedule looks like. A and her fiancee spend almost all the time and take up almost all weekends. The other day A told me the reason why her fiancee is the top priority is because of the beautiful ring on her finger. Basically, it's like her fiancee is the #1. What's only left is at least a couple of hours a week like (4 hours on Tues evening and 3 hours on Thurs evening). I feel that is not enough time. Is it that I am asking for too much? Sorry, I am breaking down a bit at the moment. It's unfair to me since I strongly value fairness, equality, and happiness that everyone deserves because everyone should be treated well as an equal individual. If there's something else that involves everyone, then it's important for everyone to be there to listen and speak up. In my case, her fiancee doesn't allow that at all... Only if I know how long it would take. I pray that it doesn't turn months into years.

In my shoes, what would you do? Thank you for being patient and taking your time to read the story!

 

[FallenAngelina]

I strongly value fairness, equality, and happiness that everyone deserves because everyone should be treated well as an equal individual.

If this is what you strongly value, then gravitate toward situations that feel this way to you. This situation is not in keeping with your values. You're trying to pound an awful lot of square pegs into round holes (this situation, dating an asexual woman when you value sex) which is OK, since you're still exploring what works and what doesn't work for you. But look at the people you're drawn to and ask yourself if they are reflecting the fullness of who you are or whether they're reflecting the pieces that you perceive yourself to be missing. You've got an awful lot of focus on the shortcomings of the fiancee, which in all likelihood are not accurate. She likely sees things in a very different way. This all sounds like an "other woman" scenario in which two women are pitted against each other, struggling to win the prize. Even though you say that you and A want poly, your view of yourself is that of the "other woman" and that is always a self-diminishing perspective. You're never going to change this situation by trying to get A to change. It's all about how YOU view yourself. It's always about how you view yourself.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you are struggling.

Obviously, it's the first time for us to experience a poly relationship.

Do you mean sex? It's time for you and A to share sex? I wouldn't. It sounds way messy here without adding that layer to it.

FWIW?

When I felt the ring on her left finger, she immediately explained to me that she's engaged to her girlfriend and thought I'd freak out.

That is not being "honest from the start." That is grinding up on you and then making excuse after you noticed the ring.

since A told her fiancee about us entering a poly relationship, they've been fighting a lot.

That does not sound like they agreed to have an open relationship together before you ever came along.

That sounds like A took up with you, and announced "it's a poly relationship now!" Did not ask for fiancee's willingness to participate in such a model. In fact, might be cheating on agreements they had together.

I can see why the fiancee could be upset by A's behavior. Can you?

I told A that I can't be the cause of her other relationship breaking down and hurting 2 people.

So why let A talk you out of a break up? Why do you continue in this and hurt you? A wonky triangle hurts 3 people, not just 2. You count. You don't sound thrilled. Otherwise you would not be posting.

I feel that is not enough time. Is it that I am asking for too much?

A can't give you enough time. That's not you asking for too much. That's just how it is. You don't get enough time here to sustain the relationship. Not a good match.

I told her that we can just put an end to this new relationship.

And again A talks you out of a break up. Stand firmer.

You are willing to let go of the new relationship. So let it go. Tell A to sort herself out and sort it out with the fiancee. Look you up if she ever does.

Step away from the drama.

It's unfair to me since I strongly value fairness, equality, and happiness that everyone deserves because everyone should be treated well as an equal individual. If there's something else that involves everyone, then it's important for everyone to be there to listen and speak up. In my case, her fiancee doesn't allow that at all

Fiancee told you that yourself? Or you hear this story via A?

I wonder which it is.

Either way -- you don't get the clear communication here that you like in your relationships. So why are you staying in this? You could treat yourself well and stop letting A talk you into going for another spin on the A merry-go-round of fog and confusion. Just stop participating here.

I know it is tempting to blame the fiancee for being "too controlling" but who picks her out? A does. I also don't think it is kind of A to call her fiancee "controlling" when it sounds like it is A who lacks self control. The fiancee sounds upset -- and I don't blame her when A is opening their relationship without her input. She just made some announcement one day. "I was grinding on some woman and that's my new GF! We are all poly now!"

That is A's behavior. Is that fair, equal, and happiness creating for the fiancee? Nope.

And who is picking out poor behaving A? You are. Stop picking her. You might have great limerence, but she treats her fiancee poorly. Is that something you admire?

She also doesn't treat you all that great now either. Once the shiny wears off with you, how's she going to treat you then?

In my shoes, what would you do?

If all A could offer me right now is

• No kind of informed consent or mutual agreement from everyone who is involved
  
• A sounds like she opened the relationship by making a unilateral decision. (Which not any better than "Hey fiancee, I decided to break our agreements. I took up with a new woman. Here she is. Now let's all kumbaya!" )
  
• You don't know what open model is being offered to you. You just know it is a mess and leans to primary-secondary. Which you do not like. You prefer working toward co-primary.
• A told fiancee that A has to let her go. Did she actually break up with fiancee? Nope. Still stringing the fiancee along.
• A discourages clear communication across the three by blaming her fiancee.
• You hear things via A rather than direct from the fiancee (so it cuts down on possible "stories" and triangulation)
• not enough time spent with you
• drama with the fiancee and you don't want to deal in drama
• A won't tell you her calendar schedule.

then that's a crap offer to me. I deserve better than that! I would dump A.

You deserve to be treated well. I think you could DECLINE the offer and break up. Tell A to clean up her life. Make you a better offer down the road if she ever does.
And you get yourself out of this weird in the present time. No more drama for you. You are out of the line of fire.

To me it sounds like A opened the relationship without fiancee being on board. The fiancee is upset (and rightfully so). To me it sounds like A wants to keep you as the bit on the side. So she's currently telling you both whatever stories keep you both on the string.

I vote no confidence.

I'm sorry. It does not sound healthy to me here.

Galagirl

 

[tenK]

Hi there,

I get why you are asking other's opinions on this, but I'm not sure it matters. For some people, seven hours a week of quality contact time in the early stages of a relationship is plenty; for others, it is not enough. All that matters is how it feels to you, and you say this isn't enough.

One thing that I think would be helpful is if you (and A, if she's contributing to this idea) could accept and acknowledge that no matter what A's fiancee wants, she is not ultimately the one in control of A's schedule. A is. So the next question is a simple but brutal one: is A happy with how much time she has to spend with you? If she is, then you and she have a mismatch - a not uncommon occurrence in the early stages of a relationship - and you can handle it any number of ways. You could adjust your expectations to match, or you can choose to end the relationship and find someone more compatible. If A also wants more time, then she has to figure out her priorities. Sometimes, you can want something, but because of your priorities, you have to learn to accept that you cannot have something. It is likely that she does in fact value her existing relationship highly enough to want to make that sacrifice of going slow to ease her partner into the poly lifestyle, and that comes at the cost of being able to invest in you and her as often as she would like. Again, you could choose to adjust your expectations, or walk away if that doesn't work for you.

Note that just because she values her fiancee's level of comfort highly, it doesn't mean she doesn't value what she has with you. Are you thinking all short-term and 'I want this now, now, now, not having it now hurts me' while she is thinking more long-term 'I want this to be right with everyone and I want to keep everyone happy, going too fast will hurt me' I wonder? Or is it more that you are just not used to taking things slow in a new relationship, full stop? In any case, I do think you need to be realistic in how you see that balancing act playing out. If you were dating a single mother who had responsibilities at home, you wouldn't expect the same level of interaction and spontaneity that you would have with someone without that pre-existing level of commitment in her life, would you? Some people would choose never to date a single mum because they prefer to date unrestrictedly, and/or don't want the hassle of getting to know the other important people in that persons life (her kids). It's the same with poly. I think you could figure out what kind of person you are, and whether you can handle going slow for a long-term gain, or if at this point in your life, you value the freedom and unrestricted spontaneity thing. One is not better than the other in itself, but I think the latter approach cannot work here, and brings you both to a mismatch.

I think the key thing to remember is that it will be easier on you if instead of blaming her fiancee for not letting her spend time with you, you try to keep working with everyone and assume everyone is approaching this with the best of intentions. It's not fiancee's fault. She did not sign up for this originally, and this is a painful transition. A is making the choice of who to spend her time resources on, so any issue you have with that should be directed only at A. Does that make sense? Also, remember that A's time is also going to be spent on others things - friends, work, study, hobbies, whatever. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that just because they live with each other, they are spending every minute together.

To give you a sense of where I am in my own relationship, I live with my girlfriend. We both date other people, which keeps us out of the house on average an evening a week (3-5 hours). Sometimes those date nights will line up and be on the same night, but sometime they don't, so that's theoretically two nights a week where we don't see each other. I play sport once a week, and she has an art class. That's another night gone. Then there is chore night, where we just do all our cleaning. No quality time there, I'm afraid. We usually go out socially with joint friends twice a week. We both have family who are far away, so some time a week must be found to keep in contact via phone or Skype with our loved ones. We are renovating our house, so much of our weekend day time is spent doing that together - which is kind of quality time, but not the relaxing kind. We usually get one evening a week where we can flop on the sofa and chill together, and if we are lucky, we might get to go out on a proper date, just the two of us, once a month. We have a partner we both date, and we see him about once a month too, together. Sure, sex is possible most nights, but often doesn't happen because we're both tired. If I imagine how my time is spent in context, having 7 hours a week of uninterrupted connection sounds pretty lovely to me! My main point is this though: I've chosen to do all of this, to fit all of this stuff into my life, even though I could equally have chosen just to spend all my time with my girlfriend, or all my time with work, or whatever. Sometimes I do wish she and I had a little more space for one on one connection, but overall I am very happy. If a partner of mine needed more time from me, I might be prepared to sacrifice one of my hobbies, or try to combine activities with my live-in partner, or include new partner more in my social time with other friends, but I don't honestly think I could take any more time away from my live-in relationship and still be happy.

I agree, it might go easier if fiancee was willing to share time with you, but no one can force that to happen. In my opinion, the best way to encourage that to happen is for you and A to be patient and give fiancee the time and support she needs to be comfortable with this. You also need to consider whether you would be fully comfortable watching them interact and being couple-y together. This is new for all of you. Expect growing pains all round.

If you are set on having an additional evening a week, you guys are going to have to compromise, and maybe that compromise doesn't have to involve fiancee at all. Perhaps A could look at other options, like inviting you out to hang with her and other friends, or giving up some of her hobby time? There is always a solution, but it might just be that you realise you and A are wanting slightly different things right now and that despite the chemistry and attraction, you're not suited to being long-term partners. Or that maybe you want to be in a poly relationship with her, but you'd like someone else in your life who doesn't have such time restrictions too.

 

[Tinwen]

I agree with everything tenK wrote about time management. However the biggest worry here to me is the mismatch in short and long-term expectations:

You want egalitarian poly, or perhaps actually mono, I don't know.
A seems to want poly, but perhaps a hierarchical structure (she emphasizes the ring).
We don't know anything about the fiancé. Is she willing to do poly at all? Or is she strictly mono? Did A talk to her at all before making a new relationship?

If you want a full-time live in relationship longterm, and all A can offer you is hierarchical restricted one, adjust your expectations from her significantly, or run immediately.

 

[vinsanity0]

My advice is to slow it down. This was sprung on A's fiance. Imagine how she feels, having this sprung on her by someone she just bought a ring for. I totally get the sense of urgency. I feel it myself for someone I started seeing in August. I see it as a relic of my monogamous years. It's natural to want to spend all of your time with someone new. Just keep in mind there is at least one other person involved. Give A's fiance some time to adjust. And don't blame everything on the fiance.

 

[lovelynina]

If this is what you strongly value, then gravitate toward situations that feel this way to you. This situation is not in keeping with your values. You're trying to pound an awful lot of square pegs into round holes (this situation, dating an asexual woman when you value sex) which is OK, since you're still exploring what works and what doesn't work for you. But look at the people you're drawn to and ask yourself if they are reflecting the fullness of who you are or whether they're reflecting the pieces that you perceive yourself to be missing. You've got an awful lot of focus on the shortcomings of the fiancee, which in all likelihood are not accurate. She likely sees things in a very different way. This all sounds like an "other woman" scenario in which two women are pitted against each other, struggling to win the prize. Even though you say that you and A want poly, your view of yourself is that of the "other woman" and that is always a self-diminishing perspective. You're never going to change this situation by trying to get A to change. It's all about how YOU view yourself. It's always about how you view yourself.

I don't think that is exactly the situation. I want to be on the speaking terms with her fiancee and make it clear that I am not trying to take A away because it's awful how they've been fighting. She couldn't trust A completely. Thus, A's been working on getting things back to normal at her home. A told me that they already have the issues for a long time before we met. Though, I feel like I prompted all the more fighting. One of my friends told me there's a choice for A if she wants to be with Deb or wants to be poly. The other reason why I posted this early is because A and her fiancee plan to re-evaulate their marriage and decide if it's a good idea for them or not in their upcoming trip. Since they already have the existing problems in their relationship, the obvious answer is I should put an end to this relationship because the whole thing is already affecting me. It's been so complicated for me. So much for the first time poly relationship in the early stages, isn't it?

 

[lovelynina]

Do you mean sex? It's time for you and A to share sex? I wouldn't. It sounds way messy here without adding that layer to it.

FWIW?

No, we want to be part of each other's lives including her fiancee. A and I aren't against sleeping altogether or chilling and watching a movie in the same room, but A's fiancee doesn't want that at all.

I can see why the fiancee could be upset by A's behavior. Can you?

Yes, I can see why. That's why I suggested A if it's best for us not to be together for her fiancee's sake. A and her fiancee already have trouble making each other happy before I came along, though.

So why let A talk you out of a break up? Why do you continue in this and hurt you? A wonky triangle hurts 3 people, not just 2. You count. You don't sound thrilled. Otherwise you would not be posting.

A's an amazing person. I don't want to break up with her. Nor does she. But in the early stages of this poly relationship, it's been too complicated for me to deal with the way things are. I am figuring out what works better.

A can't give you enough time. That's not you asking for too much. That's just how it is. You don't get enough time here to sustain the relationship. Not a good match.

Absolutely agreed. I will talk to her about how I feel. Everything is happening a bit too fast, so we're trying to slow down. It's just that what bothers me the most is schedule.

You are willing to let go of the new relationship. So let it go. Tell A to sort herself out and sort it out with the fiancee. Look you up if she ever does. Step away from the drama.

That morely likely works better for me, not for her. She doesn't want me to run from her in this current situation. If there's not a better way, then yes, I am willing to let it go.

Fiancee told you that yourself? Or you hear this story via A?

I heard this from A. She also shared with me that her family fears for A's marriage because all of them are already thinking it's not a good idea to marry her fiancee.

You deserve to be treated well. I think you could DECLINE the offer and break up. Tell A to clean up her life. Make you a better offer down the road if she ever does.
And you get yourself out of this weird in the present time. No more drama for you. You are out of the line of fire.

Thank you for writing up the offer. The cons/pros list, huh. Like you said, I deserve better.

 

[lovelynina]

A is. So the next question is a simple but brutal one: is A happy with how much time she has to spend with you? If she is, then you and she have a mismatch - a not uncommon occurrence in the early stages of a relationship - and you can handle it any number of ways. You could adjust your expectations to match, or you can choose to end the relationship and find someone more compatible.

That's a good question! I will ask her when we see face to face. I could adjust my needs/wants, but clearly, this is her fiancee who's hoping that A will see me less and less. Whenever she gets upset, A would focus on making her happy.

Note that just because she values her fiancee's level of comfort highly, it doesn't mean she doesn't value what she has with you. Are you thinking all short-term and 'I want this now, now, now, not having it now hurts me' while she is thinking more long-term 'I want this to be right with everyone and I want to keep everyone happy, going too fast will hurt me' I wonder? Or is it more that you are just not used to taking things slow in a new relationship, full stop?

Actually, quite on the contrary. She's totally cool with me seeing other girls, which benefits me. I'd like to establish something long term with her first. So, we're reading The Ethnical Slut and learning more about poly along the way. The point is, in the early stages of this relationship, it's already been too complicated and we both know that since there's a lot of baggage in her other relationship.

I think the key thing to remember is that it will be easier on you if instead of blaming her fiancee for not letting her spend time with you, you try to keep working with everyone and assume everyone is approaching this with the best of intentions. It's not fiancee's fault. She did not sign up for this originally, and this is a painful transition. A is making the choice of who to spend her time resources on, so any issue you have with that should be directed only at A. Does that make sense? Also, remember that A's time is also going to be spent on others things - friends, work, study, hobbies, whatever. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that just because they live with each other, they are spending every minute together.

To give you a sense of where I am in my own relationship, I live with my girlfriend. We both date other people, which keeps us out of the house on average an evening a week (3-5 hours).

Speaking of dating other people, A told me that her fiancee might as well start dating another person. Everyone's schedules vary, but A's not exactly as busy as you and your girlfriend are. Also, she has a lot of free time on weekends. This will upset her fiancee if she gets to spend a night with me every week. In other words, she can't stand the idea of sharing who spends a night. We both live very close. It's about 5 minutes away or so.

I agree, it might go easier if fiancee was willing to share time with you, but no one can force that to happen. In my opinion, the best way to encourage that to happen is for you and A to be patient and give fiancee the time and support she needs to be comfortable with this. You also need to consider whether you would be fully comfortable watching them interact and being couple-y together. This is new for all of you. Expect growing pains all round.

Actually, I would be fully comfortable watching them doing things together. It doesn't bother me at all, which would bother her fiancee if she sees us doing things together as well. It's just that not getting enough time to sustain the early stages of a new relationship bothers me the most, plus her fiancee is not willing to adapt to poly yet.

 

[lovelynina]

I agree with everything tenK wrote about time management. However the biggest worry here to me is the mismatch in short and long-term expectations:

You want egalitarian poly, or perhaps actually mono, I don't know.
A seems to want poly, but perhaps a hierarchical structure (she emphasizes the ring).
We don't know anything about the fiancé. Is she willing to do poly at all? Or is she strictly mono? Did A talk to her at all before making a new relationship?

If you want a full-time live in relationship longterm, and all A can offer you is hierarchical restricted one, adjust your expectations from her significantly, or run immediately.

I want egiltarian poly. Monogamoy is complicated for me. My last ex and I got into a huge fight because I brought up seeing other people. Being poly, it makes me feel more inclusive of who I am, which makes me happy. A's aware of couple privillege and hierarchy and has been maintaining the stability of her monogamous relationship with her fiancee, but now, it's all chaotic. A's fiancee is still uncomfortable with the idea of poly, but wants A to be happy. Yes, A already talked to her before we entered a poly relationship. A told her that she wants to feel free and explore more of me, so her fiancee has to let her go for a while.

 

[GalaGirl]

Yes, I can see why. That's why I suggested A if it's best for us not to be together for her fiancee's sake

I would put it that it is best for YOU not to take up with A for YOUR sake. Because if you can see that she treats her fiancee poorly like that and the fiancee is the "priority" then you are likely to get same or worse treatment than that once the new shiny NRE wears off with you. (Keeping in mind that what she offers you right now isn't all that hot to begin with.)

That morely likely works better for me, not for her.

Go with what works best for YOU.

She doesn't want me to run from her in this current situation. If there's not a better way, then yes, I am willing to let it go.

If she doesn't want you to "run away" from what she offers you? She could not offer you a hot mess. She could clean up her life first and then make you a GOOD offer.

Like you said, I deserve better.

I am glad you think that!

Since they already have the existing problems in their relationship, the obvious answer is I should put an end to this relationship because the whole thing is already affecting me. It's been so complicated for me.

Then do the obvious. End it with A and simplify YOUR life so you can start to feel better. You can move on to poly with someone with less crazy baggage.

Galagirl

 

[Cynerman]

As a Beginner you'll discover that many people wanting to be Poly have many Monogamous ideas still embedded in their consciousness. Be patient and be slow. Inform yourself with Books, videos and Meetups as to better ways to negotiate relationships.

 

[River]

[....] Then do the obvious. End it with A and simplify YOUR life so you can start to feel better. You can move on to poly with someone with less crazy baggage.
Galagirl

That's a completely valid direction to take. Then again, it MAY be completely valid to acknowledge that all involved are novices in the poly realm and to treat everyone involved with some benefit of the doubt that there is genuine affection AND genuine beginnerliness. Maybe (barely) there is a chance to salvage a "better" outcome than Splitsville? But you must know that it won't be an easy crossing.

 

[River]

It may be doubtful that things can be worked out between all parties in a sensitive, mutually supportive, kind sort of way. But is it impossible?

It may be. Who knows.

It may be the best decision to flee. But it may also be okay to see if things can be worked out to the mutual happiness of all involved.

Personally, I'd not give up until the fiance and she have fully hashed things out and settled on ... something. They seem unsettled.

Be willing to back off and give them space -- I would suggest. Just 'cause there's heat in the kitchen is no reason to jump ... until the sting of the fire becomes unbearable. Or until it seems you're wasting time waiting.

 

[River]

The other day A told me the reason why her fiancee is the top priority is because of the beautiful ring on her finger. Basically, it's like her fiancee is the #1. What's only left is at least a couple of hours a week like (4 hours on Tues evening and 3 hours on Thurs evening). I feel that is not enough time. Is it that I am asking for too much? Sorry, I am breaking down a bit at the moment. It's unfair to me since I strongly value fairness, equality, and happiness that everyone deserves because everyone should be treated well as an equal individual.

This sounds like ... at least at this juncture in the process ... you're being asked to play important yet also second fiddle. This tends to work out okay-ish when the one playing second fidle-ish also has someone or someones who is/are making up the difference. So to speak.

If you're playing second fiddle and not fiddling with anyone else, ... Well, if I were in them shoes I'd feel less than entirely pleased by it.

In my own boat, I'd like to have two equal fiddle players in my band. And if that went well for a long time I may consider someone else to join the chorus. But I'd not want to be second -- that's just me -- and I'd not want to treat anyone else as second or third.

But that's just me. We're all unique, and always changing, learning, ... growing.... And we all have to make decisions that work for us individually.

 

[Cynerman]

Monogamy

As a Beginner you'll discover that many people wanting to be Poly have many Monogamous ideas still embedded in their consciousness. Be patient and be slow. Inform yourself with Books, videos and Meetups as to better ways to negotiate relationships. I Recommend Sex 3.0, Videos, Orgasmic Meditation workshops,

 

[Cynerman]

As a Beginner you'll discover that many people wanting to be Poly have many Monogamous ideas still embedded in their consciousness. Be patient and be slow. Inform yourself with Books, videos and Meetups as to better ways to negotiate relationships.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Nina,

It concerns me that A seems to have introduced poly into her life with her fiancée without getting her fiancée's consent. Because of this, the fiancée is exerting a great deal of resistance which in turn is making things hard on you.

Perhaps the thing to do is, not break up per se, but take a break from the relationship for awhile. Suspend contact for a few months. Use the time to clear your head, study poly some more, and see if you have a different view of the situation when the few months are up.

Only you can decide what you'll do ultimately, of course. But give that suggestion some thought if you're willing.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.