Hi everyone! I regret to say I use a lot of words, so bear with me here 
.
I'm Lupa, a 31-year old female, together now with M (32y male) for 13 years. He was my highschool sweetheart and my first real love. I met L (32y male) 5 years ago at evening school and we fell in love. M and I were pretty open but never discussed the possibility of PA. But here I was, wanting to start a new relationship with another man. It was very threatening for him, but he allowed me the chance to pursue it since he knew it was something I really wanted. We moved very slow the first year, for example I first kissed L after about 6 months. Even though I often behaved very impatient, afterwards I'm glad we took our time to figure out how this could work for everyone. In the last year we seemed to have come to an arrangement that kept everyone happy: I slept over at L once a month, we saw each other every week (on Saturday when M has to work) and regularly texted and called each other. I wouldn't say L and M are the best of friends, but they get along.
All this time, L didn't have another partner, though he said from the beginning of our relationship that he identified as non-monogamous and would welcome a 'primary' partner of his own. I tried to support him in this, which mostly meant keeping some distance so that he could have time to go looking for that someone. This was hard because L has a tendency to claim a lot of attention from me; he wanted to see me very often, called me all the time, even if he didn't have anything to say, and displayed general neediness ("please come over, I'm so alone"). I didn't mind as long as I was in love, but after a while I found it annoying. I also had some trouble dealing with his addiction to various substances; mainly for this reason I kept my distance from him and because of all the drama (relapses from L, regular comments from M that he tolerated my relationship but didn't really like it and probably never would), I started thinking if maybe it would be better if we parted ways. My relationship with L brought me a lot of joy and self-discovery but for months now it has been more work than joy. I started seeing him in a negative way, made sarcastic and snide comments, we got into fights, the whole nine yards.
And then, two Saturdays ago, we had a good talk. I told L that I had trouble letting him back in, trusting him, and that if we were to turn this thing around we would really have to work at it. I was also quite insecure about where I stood with him now that he was dating casually with a lot of people and told him I needed to know he still wanted to make time for me, especially now we were going through a rough patch. After all, he never juggled two relationships before, he just said he wanted to. He felt the same way, we had a really good talk and we felt closer to each other than we did in months. He mentioned he had dated someone (X, via Tinder) a few days ago and that it really clicked, she could be a potential partner. I was happy for him and wished him luck on his date later that evening.
On Monday we had planned to have a coffee date in the afternoon. It was the last day of my vacation and he had finished an exam. That morning I got the text "hey sweetie, I'm gonna be honest, X wants to meet me this afternoon so I'll have to postpone our date to a time when I'm less busy, won't be today." I was so overwhelmed with emotions I didn't know what to respond right away. I just felt that at that second, he did exactly what I asked him not to do: he was more interested in seeing someone he knew for a couple of days than to reassure me that I was still important to him by keeping our date. I lashed out angrily ("thanks, now I know where I stand") and he explained that he was in love and had to 'strike while the iron is hot'.
I was devastated all last week, emotions a soggy mess, sobbing every night, totally insecure and fearful. I'll admit that my conversations with L and M weren't very rational and that I said some stupid things. It didn't help my fear that from that day (now a week), X has been with L every night, slept over at his place every night (or so I think), so all of a sudden, I got practically no more texts and absolutely no more calls or emails. If he texted me, he tried to reassure me, told me he loved me and wanted to make this work, but it just seemed like empty words to me. Of course he'd like to do that, but I just can't see how he can make time for us when now he has X in his life, who demands almost all of his free time, thus leaving no time for us. While we are actually in a delicate place right now. In comparison, M and I had a solid base, we were together for 8 years before L came in my life.
We talked for a few hours on Saturday (luckily both M and X have to work on Saturday, otherwise I don't know if it would have been possible). He was able to finally give me some information face-to-face about who X was and what she thought of the fact that L is also involved in a relationship with me. He told me she was very jealous and insecure and immediately placed boundaries: L cannot touch me in a sexual way anymore, including kissing, basically we can only act as friends would. I totally understood her reaction although it was hard to hear (I highly value my physical relationship with L), after all we did the same for M. L wants us all to become friends and in his mind this could all be resolved in a matter of weeks. He also mentioned she would be moving in with him asap.
But I just don't know. Doesn't this just look like a recipe for disaster? Why should I invest in making this work with X in the mix if I was doubting whether to continue the relationship before all this happened? I feel like I'm being dragged into negotiating before I even know what I want for myself.
My first goal now is trying to work out whether I want to continue my relationship with L.
My second is to talk to X. I told L that I really want to see her alone as I don't want to see them together right now (I'm funny that way, I don't mind him having a girlfriend, but I don't want to see them acting lovey-dovey and he basically told me that if I were to see them she would be all over him, I suppose because of her jealousy she wants to 'claim' him), I don't know what he's saying to her about me, in what words, and how she reacts. But I don't feel up to that now. This is all new to me, though I've had two relationships for the past five years, it's the first time I've ever had to share my partner (M isn't interested in multiple relationships and L has never had anything serious while we were together).
I don't really know why I'm posting this here, I suppose I could use any advice, feedback, or comments if you have them. All perspectives are welcome. Sorry for the long read!
.I'm Lupa, a 31-year old female, together now with M (32y male) for 13 years. He was my highschool sweetheart and my first real love. I met L (32y male) 5 years ago at evening school and we fell in love. M and I were pretty open but never discussed the possibility of PA. But here I was, wanting to start a new relationship with another man. It was very threatening for him, but he allowed me the chance to pursue it since he knew it was something I really wanted. We moved very slow the first year, for example I first kissed L after about 6 months. Even though I often behaved very impatient, afterwards I'm glad we took our time to figure out how this could work for everyone. In the last year we seemed to have come to an arrangement that kept everyone happy: I slept over at L once a month, we saw each other every week (on Saturday when M has to work) and regularly texted and called each other. I wouldn't say L and M are the best of friends, but they get along.
All this time, L didn't have another partner, though he said from the beginning of our relationship that he identified as non-monogamous and would welcome a 'primary' partner of his own. I tried to support him in this, which mostly meant keeping some distance so that he could have time to go looking for that someone. This was hard because L has a tendency to claim a lot of attention from me; he wanted to see me very often, called me all the time, even if he didn't have anything to say, and displayed general neediness ("please come over, I'm so alone"). I didn't mind as long as I was in love, but after a while I found it annoying. I also had some trouble dealing with his addiction to various substances; mainly for this reason I kept my distance from him and because of all the drama (relapses from L, regular comments from M that he tolerated my relationship but didn't really like it and probably never would), I started thinking if maybe it would be better if we parted ways. My relationship with L brought me a lot of joy and self-discovery but for months now it has been more work than joy. I started seeing him in a negative way, made sarcastic and snide comments, we got into fights, the whole nine yards.
And then, two Saturdays ago, we had a good talk. I told L that I had trouble letting him back in, trusting him, and that if we were to turn this thing around we would really have to work at it. I was also quite insecure about where I stood with him now that he was dating casually with a lot of people and told him I needed to know he still wanted to make time for me, especially now we were going through a rough patch. After all, he never juggled two relationships before, he just said he wanted to. He felt the same way, we had a really good talk and we felt closer to each other than we did in months. He mentioned he had dated someone (X, via Tinder) a few days ago and that it really clicked, she could be a potential partner. I was happy for him and wished him luck on his date later that evening.
On Monday we had planned to have a coffee date in the afternoon. It was the last day of my vacation and he had finished an exam. That morning I got the text "hey sweetie, I'm gonna be honest, X wants to meet me this afternoon so I'll have to postpone our date to a time when I'm less busy, won't be today." I was so overwhelmed with emotions I didn't know what to respond right away. I just felt that at that second, he did exactly what I asked him not to do: he was more interested in seeing someone he knew for a couple of days than to reassure me that I was still important to him by keeping our date. I lashed out angrily ("thanks, now I know where I stand") and he explained that he was in love and had to 'strike while the iron is hot'.
I was devastated all last week, emotions a soggy mess, sobbing every night, totally insecure and fearful. I'll admit that my conversations with L and M weren't very rational and that I said some stupid things. It didn't help my fear that from that day (now a week), X has been with L every night, slept over at his place every night (or so I think), so all of a sudden, I got practically no more texts and absolutely no more calls or emails. If he texted me, he tried to reassure me, told me he loved me and wanted to make this work, but it just seemed like empty words to me. Of course he'd like to do that, but I just can't see how he can make time for us when now he has X in his life, who demands almost all of his free time, thus leaving no time for us. While we are actually in a delicate place right now. In comparison, M and I had a solid base, we were together for 8 years before L came in my life.
We talked for a few hours on Saturday (luckily both M and X have to work on Saturday, otherwise I don't know if it would have been possible). He was able to finally give me some information face-to-face about who X was and what she thought of the fact that L is also involved in a relationship with me. He told me she was very jealous and insecure and immediately placed boundaries: L cannot touch me in a sexual way anymore, including kissing, basically we can only act as friends would. I totally understood her reaction although it was hard to hear (I highly value my physical relationship with L), after all we did the same for M. L wants us all to become friends and in his mind this could all be resolved in a matter of weeks. He also mentioned she would be moving in with him asap.
But I just don't know. Doesn't this just look like a recipe for disaster? Why should I invest in making this work with X in the mix if I was doubting whether to continue the relationship before all this happened? I feel like I'm being dragged into negotiating before I even know what I want for myself.
My first goal now is trying to work out whether I want to continue my relationship with L.
My second is to talk to X. I told L that I really want to see her alone as I don't want to see them together right now (I'm funny that way, I don't mind him having a girlfriend, but I don't want to see them acting lovey-dovey and he basically told me that if I were to see them she would be all over him, I suppose because of her jealousy she wants to 'claim' him), I don't know what he's saying to her about me, in what words, and how she reacts. But I don't feel up to that now. This is all new to me, though I've had two relationships for the past five years, it's the first time I've ever had to share my partner (M isn't interested in multiple relationships and L has never had anything serious while we were together).
I don't really know why I'm posting this here, I suppose I could use any advice, feedback, or comments if you have them. All perspectives are welcome. Sorry for the long read!
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