I originally posted this in the wrong area - my apologies.
I would like to hear people's thoughts about dealing with partners in the past who have lied and how that affects your relationships now. There is a tl;dr at the bottom because this got longer than I thought it would be.
I will be the first to admit I have difficult trusting people I am in a romantic relationship with. I have come a long way and am able to step back before becoming upset, suspicious, accusatory, etc. My two "big" ex's ("big" meaning were together for years, lived together, shared finances, had pets, etc.) - one I was mono with, the other began as mono and ended as polya if that matters - both lied to me in major ways about seeing others/cheating. There has been past family things that I have realized may contribute to my reluctance to trust.
The partner this is about I have been with for over four years and live with. We both have other partners/have a common partner. It is a very happy family that I am very, very thankful for. I felt I was at a very great place until the other night which I will get to. Our relationships have had rough spots - admittedly, a lot of it had to do with trust issues on my part. As our relationship grew, I came to trust the person this is about in a surprising and happy way. The person knows about my past relationships, and I have repeatedly made it known that honesty is the most important thing to me in relationships, and I can't let myself be with anyone who lies to me again. Again, this partner and I have had very rough spots. But we have felt (he has indicated this, and things have seemed lighter and happier) our relationship is at a wonderful place, and we are connecting in a way that is very positive.
I could not sleep and went to sleep on the couch as I often do when I find it hard to fall asleep. My partner was sitting on the couch and told me he couldn't sleep either. I began to talk to him, and he seemed preoccupied with his phone, so I left him alone for a bit. A little while later, I asked him a question - he was totally unaware. I asked if he was okay. He put down his phone, and things seemed normal. I asked if I was interrupting a conversation he was having with someone. He said he was not talking to anyone when his phone began blowing up with text messages. He had been texting with someone who we both hang out with, and I like as a friend very much, that I think has a crush on him. Which is totally fine. But he lied about it. I was clearly upset given how much honesty means to me and how suspicious it seems that he lied.
We do not have any "rules" per say - just to let your other partners know you are interested in someone, may see them, etc - basically, no surprises. He said he lied because he thought I would be mad and a fight would ensue. I feel upset because, well, he lied, but also that statement feels unfair - like he blamed me for his dishonesty. To be fair, he did apologize and seem remorseful, and I do feel like he understands he fucked up. We have had awful fights in the past, so maybe he is partially right in blaming me. I don't know.
There are a lot of feelings happening. One minute, I am fine and understand that people make mistakes - I certainly have. The next, I feel disappointed and hurt because I know it seems small or maybe what people mean when they say "a little white lie", but it really sucks and I wonder now what else he has lied about or will lie about. And then I feel guilty because is he paying for what my past partners did? And then I feel bad for him because I can tell he feels bad. Is it possible to be too empathetic? Because this has happened more than a few times - when someone wrongs me, I am upset but also console the person who wronged me. I am not sure that this is healthy behavior, but I guess that is a different issue. Basically, I feel petty one second - like it shouldn't be a big deal - and then really disappointed the next because it does feel like a big deal to me.
tl;dr: I have had people close to me lie in major ways before, and it has made me cautious in relationships. A partner I have come to trust (after many rough spots) lied to me in a way that from the outside is pretty minor but because I have difficulty in trusting it keeps feeling really big. I am unsure if 1.) I am being petty because people make mistakes and he said he did it to prevent a fight, or 2.) it's okay for this to be a huge disappointment for me because I thought we had reached a great place and it isn't fair for him to blame me for his dishonesty by saying he lied to prevent a fight.
I would like to hear people's thoughts about dealing with partners in the past who have lied and how that affects your relationships now. There is a tl;dr at the bottom because this got longer than I thought it would be.
I will be the first to admit I have difficult trusting people I am in a romantic relationship with. I have come a long way and am able to step back before becoming upset, suspicious, accusatory, etc. My two "big" ex's ("big" meaning were together for years, lived together, shared finances, had pets, etc.) - one I was mono with, the other began as mono and ended as polya if that matters - both lied to me in major ways about seeing others/cheating. There has been past family things that I have realized may contribute to my reluctance to trust.
The partner this is about I have been with for over four years and live with. We both have other partners/have a common partner. It is a very happy family that I am very, very thankful for. I felt I was at a very great place until the other night which I will get to. Our relationships have had rough spots - admittedly, a lot of it had to do with trust issues on my part. As our relationship grew, I came to trust the person this is about in a surprising and happy way. The person knows about my past relationships, and I have repeatedly made it known that honesty is the most important thing to me in relationships, and I can't let myself be with anyone who lies to me again. Again, this partner and I have had very rough spots. But we have felt (he has indicated this, and things have seemed lighter and happier) our relationship is at a wonderful place, and we are connecting in a way that is very positive.
I could not sleep and went to sleep on the couch as I often do when I find it hard to fall asleep. My partner was sitting on the couch and told me he couldn't sleep either. I began to talk to him, and he seemed preoccupied with his phone, so I left him alone for a bit. A little while later, I asked him a question - he was totally unaware. I asked if he was okay. He put down his phone, and things seemed normal. I asked if I was interrupting a conversation he was having with someone. He said he was not talking to anyone when his phone began blowing up with text messages. He had been texting with someone who we both hang out with, and I like as a friend very much, that I think has a crush on him. Which is totally fine. But he lied about it. I was clearly upset given how much honesty means to me and how suspicious it seems that he lied.
We do not have any "rules" per say - just to let your other partners know you are interested in someone, may see them, etc - basically, no surprises. He said he lied because he thought I would be mad and a fight would ensue. I feel upset because, well, he lied, but also that statement feels unfair - like he blamed me for his dishonesty. To be fair, he did apologize and seem remorseful, and I do feel like he understands he fucked up. We have had awful fights in the past, so maybe he is partially right in blaming me. I don't know.
There are a lot of feelings happening. One minute, I am fine and understand that people make mistakes - I certainly have. The next, I feel disappointed and hurt because I know it seems small or maybe what people mean when they say "a little white lie", but it really sucks and I wonder now what else he has lied about or will lie about. And then I feel guilty because is he paying for what my past partners did? And then I feel bad for him because I can tell he feels bad. Is it possible to be too empathetic? Because this has happened more than a few times - when someone wrongs me, I am upset but also console the person who wronged me. I am not sure that this is healthy behavior, but I guess that is a different issue. Basically, I feel petty one second - like it shouldn't be a big deal - and then really disappointed the next because it does feel like a big deal to me.
tl;dr: I have had people close to me lie in major ways before, and it has made me cautious in relationships. A partner I have come to trust (after many rough spots) lied to me in a way that from the outside is pretty minor but because I have difficulty in trusting it keeps feeling really big. I am unsure if 1.) I am being petty because people make mistakes and he said he did it to prevent a fight, or 2.) it's okay for this to be a huge disappointment for me because I thought we had reached a great place and it isn't fair for him to blame me for his dishonesty by saying he lied to prevent a fight.
