I'm concerned about my partner's other partner

[simonollie]

Hello! I'm new to the forum but not to polyamory. I want to seek the advice of other folks just to get another opinion on this matter.

I have had a long term partner for 2.5 years and only recently began seeing another partner at the beginning of October. It isn't my first rodeo with another partner but this is the first time in a while that I've been in a healthy relationship with a secondary partner for some time. My new partner (we'll call him N) has a primary partner as well, who I'll call M. They've been together for 5 years and are younger than I am (I'm 24, he's 21 and his partner is 20). At first, everything was going great and we were all getting along. Now, however, his other partner has gone off his medication and seemingly refuses to get help. I get caught in the line of fire quite a bit. I've become sort of the middleman and the one that's always breaking up the fights and taking on a lot of the emotional stress of their relationship, even though I'm not in a relationship with both of them.

My partner, N, and I have had many talks about this. I feel like sort of a jerk suggesting that he needs to break things off with his other partner, but I'm starting to feel that the relationship is abusive. What's worse is that I feel like if some kind of solution isn't reached soon, I'll have to leave for my own mental health's sake - something that I don't want to do but have been preparing myself for.

My question is am I crossing my boundaries by putting my foot down and saying no more to being the middleman? Should I put a deadline on when things should be cleared up? I'm wearing quite thin and with my own mental health issues to deal with, it's been emotionally draining to feel as if I'm having to take on all of their relationship drama. It's always a breath of fresh air when I'm with my primary partner, but I'm always tiptoeing around things when I'm with N and M is around too.

I know I'm kind of talking all over the place, so feel free to ask me any questions relevant to the topic if I've neglected to leave out details. All advice is appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read and discuss!

 

[KC43]

How would you be crossing your boundaries by telling them to stop using you as a middleman? *They* are crossing your boundaries by putting you in the middle! You need to set boundaries that are safe and healthy for you. Being the middleman between your partner and your metamour (his other partner) sounds neither safe nor healthy, and in my opinion, if they're deliberately putting you in that position, that's very unfair to you. It's perfectly okay to say to them, "I'm sorry you're having relationship problems, but I cannot be your sounding board or your mediator, and I need you to stop asking me to be."

If you set a deadline, I would make it one that's solely for you, not one you give to them. If you tell them, for example, "If you don't settle this by the New Year, I'm walking," that sounds like an ultimatum. But if you say to *yourself*, "I can only help them until the New Year, and if things haven't resolved, I'll have to leave," you aren't being confrontational to them, but you're setting a reasonable boundary for yourself.

As for whether their relationship is abusive, it's natural for you to be concerned about your partner. But if *he* doesn't see it as abusive and you try to convince him it is, it might backfire on you. I might say, "I'm concerned about how I see your other partner treating you. To me, it seems like he's crossing the line with his behavior," but I would be very cautious about using the word "abuse" and definitely about advising your partner to leave that relationship.

At the end of the day, their relationship is *theirs*. It isn't your problem. It isn't up to you to mediate, or fix it, or advise them to end it. The only thing that's up to you is taking care of *you*.

 

[simonollie]

Thank you for the response, KC43. This is exactly what I've had in my head and I'm glad that I haven't been wrong in thinking in this vein of thought. I've already said that if the next time I visit something goes amiss again, I'm walking, but I haven't expressed that to either of them and don't plan to. Especially with how this has been affecting my mental health, I think that's a reasonable deadline to set for myself. Again, thank you for the response

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I get caught in the line of fire quite a bit. I've become sort of the middleman and the one that's always breaking up the fights and taking on a lot of the emotional stress of their relationship, even though I'm not in a relationship with both of them.

My question is am I crossing my boundaries by putting my foot down and saying no more to being the middleman? Should I put a deadline on when things should be cleared up?

Sounds more like you're crossing your boundaries by continuing to be the middleman.

There's no rule that says you have to see your partner's partner at all, let alone if they're stressing you out with issues that aren't your problem.

It's their right to refuse medication, and it's the right of everyone in their lives to refuse to tolerate any unhealthy behaviours that result.

That said, I can't really blame the other partner, knowing how awful many of the side effects are for psychiatric medications. But that doesn't make it your responsibility to hold anyone's hand. If M doesn't want medications, they have a choice to make: use some kind of cognitive behavioural therapy and try to manage the illness that way, or accept the risk of losing people that matter to them.

If you set a deadline, I would make it one that's solely for you, not one you give to them.

As for whether their relationship is abusive, it's natural for you to be concerned about your partner. But if *he* doesn't see it as abusive and you try to convince him it is, it might backfire on you.

Spot on both points.

When mental illness is involved, it's much more difficult to assign behaviour as abusive. What I mean is that the person is sick, just like cancer or diabetes. If someone throws up on you because they're drunk, that's their fault. If someone throws up on you because they're on chemo, that's not their fault. No one chooses mental illness, unlike abusers who choose that behaviour.

It's not appropriate for other people to "force" them to take potentially harmful medications just because it's difficult to live with them unmedicated. Sometimes that's just what commitment means. In those cases, I think it's important for the partner (N in this case) to have counselling for themselves to get constructive support on how to deal with the other person... tools on when and how to step back and do self-care, and how much crap to tolerate because you're choosing to support them through their difficulty.

This applies to you, too. There's nothing wrong with telling your partner "I love you and I want to support you through this, but there's only so much I can take. Whenever I reach my limit, I'm going to step back and do self-care. I respect M's right to refuse medication, I respect your choice to stay with them despite that, and I need you to respect my choice not to be involved with M's mental illness. I have my own to deal with, and I need all my energy for that."

Mental illness is a shitty deal for everyone involved, no question about it. My gf's husband has severe anxiety and it's really challenging for her a lot of the time, especially with she and her daughter both having bipolar. But she knows how to compartmentalize and keep problems in appropriate boxes. She might vent to me every now and then, and I don't mind that at all, but she would NEVER ask me to mediate between her and her husband, or her and her daughter. Their relationships, their issues, their responsibility.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi simonollie,

The one bit of advice I want to give is, put your foot down and say no more to being the middleman. Which you are already thinking you'll do, and I'm just here to say I encourage you to do it.

Sounds like a rough situation. I hope things don't get too bad between N and M. But even if they do, that's for them to figure out. Let them do their own work in that area.

I hope that helps a little bit.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

My question is am I crossing my boundaries by putting my foot down and saying no more to being the middleman?'

No. That is you SETTING a boundary for your behavior.

"I will not be the middle man any more. You will have to talk to each other directly to solve your problems or seek a professional counselor to help you. I am not the guy. Please respect my limit. If you try to put me in the middle, I will repeat what I said before and I will leave the room."

Follow through. Let them deal with their stuff.

I'm starting to feel that the relationship is abusive. What's worse is that I feel like if some kind of solution isn't reached soon, I'll have to leave for my own mental health's sake - something that I don't want to do but have been preparing myself for.

Speak your truth to N. He's not a mind reader. Report where you are at.

Set a date in your mind -- if things are not better by X, you bow out in order to preserve your own mental health. That is not you asking him to break up with M. That is you telling you when to bow out.

If you don't want to be involved in a patient relationship even as a meta, then you do not want to. You do not have to be. You can bow out. You are the one who decides what you are and are not up for.

Galagirl