After a few talks about opening up, a common issue arises. Are we sure we can handle the first encounter? Would we be able to go through with it? The feelings, emotions, and our history would be seemingly overwhelming standing in front of another person that is ready to be intimate with you. We have been exclusive for 20 years and had no relationships prior to that. We were each other's first. My wife suggested that perhaps a casual encounter would be good to see how I/we react. This is mainly for me, she is not quite ready to venture out.
Testing feelings and reactions
- Thread starter trallart
- Start date
I don't think a casual encounter would be useful to you. Just my opinion, but if you're delving into *polyamory*, which means you'll be having multiple *loving* relationships, fucking some random person isn't really going to give you any idea whatsoever as to how you'll feel about it. Casual sex is an entirely different dynamic from what it sounds like you would ultimately be looking for.
If you just want to see how you react to getting naked and boinking with someone you don't know, then yeah, casual sex would do that. But is the naked-and-boinking bit the only thing you're worried about when it comes to having other partners?
If you just want to see how you react to getting naked and boinking with someone you don't know, then yeah, casual sex would do that. But is the naked-and-boinking bit the only thing you're worried about when it comes to having other partners?
I guess the sex thing is a first hurdle or test of how we would look at each other knowing that one or both of us was just intimate with another person. It is not all that I am looking for. I desire emotional intimacy as well. I guess maybe this would be a first step, knowing that we were not totally involved with another person, but involved enough to have had sex. Honestly, I would like for her to have a NSA event first as well, just to see how she and I react to that part. We are both a little more intimidated by the emotional part, her more than me though. It is all new to us, so we really do not know, and can never know totally.
I've known couples who have absolutely zero problem dealing with their partner having sex with someone else, but the moment feelings enter the equation, all of a sudden the sky is falling and the universe is ending.
I understand the logic you and your wife are using. I just don't think that the way you and she react to each other having sex with someone with whom you have little or no emotional connection will have any bearing whatsoever, or give you any solace whatsoever, when it comes to having an emotional connection with someone.
I understand the logic you and your wife are using. I just don't think that the way you and she react to each other having sex with someone with whom you have little or no emotional connection will have any bearing whatsoever, or give you any solace whatsoever, when it comes to having an emotional connection with someone.
What about the idea of working up to an encounter in increments? First exchange emails (with the new person), then meet them for coffee, then for dinner and a movie with a kiss on the cheek, then a kiss on the mouth, then some petting ... something like that until you arrive at an actual encounter (with the new person).
If one of you starts to have a bad reaction before it gets to a full encounter, then you can back off a little and give yourselves a chance to recuperate.
Just a thought.
Regards,
Kevin T.
If one of you starts to have a bad reaction before it gets to a full encounter, then you can back off a little and give yourselves a chance to recuperate.
Just a thought.
Regards,
Kevin T.
The other aspect of it is, that if the experience goes badly with your wife, it might not be so painful for you or the other woman involved to just walk away if it is 'sex only'. If you wait until feelings are established, then it just makes everything ten times worse.
For the record though, I agree with what KC says. Even if a casual hookup goes well for everyone, it does not entail that you developing emotional feelings would be an easy hurdle. You are not comparing apples with apples there. However, if sexual intimacy is also a concern, then this would be a smaller step in the direction of sexual intimacy + feelings.
For the record though, I agree with what KC says. Even if a casual hookup goes well for everyone, it does not entail that you developing emotional feelings would be an easy hurdle. You are not comparing apples with apples there. However, if sexual intimacy is also a concern, then this would be a smaller step in the direction of sexual intimacy + feelings.
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
The only thing that I would add, based on my own experience, is that even if the first encounter does NOT go well, it doesn't mean that things can't go better in the future. You are on a learning curve, lessons will be learned.
In my "Journey" blog I talk about MrS hooking up with his ex - "of course" I thought I would be ok - then I wasn't. Unfortunately, although I worked out for myself what my issue was (at the time) it scared MrS off of hooking up with any other women without me being present for YEARS.
In my "Journey" blog I talk about MrS hooking up with his ex - "of course" I thought I would be ok - then I wasn't. Unfortunately, although I worked out for myself what my issue was (at the time) it scared MrS off of hooking up with any other women without me being present for YEARS.
This is a serious hurdle in addition to more experienced couples opening up. You don't know how any of you react to comming close to neither emotional nor physical intimacy, you have perhaps no idea what feelings arise when touching another person, when starting to get intimate, how falling slowly into love differs from platonic best friend ... there are so many flavours to this. You don't know your own reactions to your own intimacy, let alone to the intimacy of your partner.
In my opinion, you cannot even really know if you want polyamory, some friend-with-benefit thing, more intimacy with not necessarily any relationships expectations attached, or whatever.
What happens, if you just touch someone else in an intimate way? You don't know. Actually, you might fall in love immidiatelly, if there is some major need you hope to fulfill. You might as well get nauseated afterwards, not wanting to hear about intimacy with another for quite some time, if you run agains some limiting beliefs about sex. (Both things happened to me.)
My major concern is perhaps that without experience with early dating you are very unlikely to actually find a compatible partner, because you will jump every possibility. Watch out for that.
I agree with what has been said about an casual encounter being useful possibly but not entirely, and perhaps even more with small steps building up as a possible way. But in the context of experience, a to me a casual hook-up seems way to much to start with. Consider casual petting
Consider wisiting a play or cuddling party together. Consider talking with other "real-life" people about how intimacy works. Consider some form of tantra, if you are that type of person. Consider getting a close female platonic friend first.
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This is depressing. I have had some very close platonic female friends. My closest friends outside of my marriage were other females, but that was a few years ago and we have grown/moved way apart. For the last 6-7 years I have had no other close friends, I have made it it a goal to change this. I know this is going to hard.
I have been talking to one person and I loved it, but she can not be that close emotionally connected friend that I want. She is looking for her "one" and I am not at a point in my marriage to be able to discuss other possibilities with her. I am learning from the experience though.
IndieSolo
Active member
Do not jump into bed right away with someone just to test the waters. Firstly, it's not nice to the person who would be your experiment, but mostly I think that since emotional connection is what you're looking for, then you should just see how it feels to DATE. Meet someone for coffee, see if you hit it off, and then go from there. A kiss, another date... baby steps.
I want to point out that the smarter couples take their time. There is no need to rush into things. Many couples will thoughtfully discuss opening up their relationship, and all the possible conflicts and fears that the idea brings up, for a year or longer before actually pursuing someone and developing additional relationships. It's not a race. Just because you both said, "Okay, let's try it" doesn't mean you are ready.
I want to point out that the smarter couples take their time. There is no need to rush into things. Many couples will thoughtfully discuss opening up their relationship, and all the possible conflicts and fears that the idea brings up, for a year or longer before actually pursuing someone and developing additional relationships. It's not a race. Just because you both said, "Okay, let's try it" doesn't mean you are ready.
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I am very earnest, but I didn't mean to be depressing
I am sure you can make your way. Just try to be aware, that there is a bunch of different needs, you maybe don't differentiate (the need to socialize, to have an emotionally close friends, the need for support, for romance, for touch, for sex), and since you say you had female friend years ago, even some of the not-polyamory-needs may not have been met for years. So you get this pressure to get them met now, and you feel frustrated that it is not so easy.
If I consider a romantic relationship advanced, you can try to start from the more basic social needs. Might take some of the pressure off, which actually enhances your chances to be appealing to a potential partner and sustain the relationship.
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One day I get the feeling I'm going to start looking for people. Then, another day there is a complete breakdown from my wife. This flip flopping is frustrating for me. She only looks at the negatives, only reads about the horror stories. I am not pushing. She said she does not want to stop the dialogue, but she does not want to read anymore.
YouAreHere
Well-known member
What kind of things is she reading? One reason I joined this forum, as a mono person, was to try to understand the poly point-of-view with some level of detachment from either my own relationship (being too emotionally vested makes it hard to get the "30,000 foot view") or from the support-group atmosphere of some other forums (which can get pretty depressing).
One of the difficulties of reading poly literature as a mono person, is that it's written for poly folks (naturally), and not from a mono POV. It's easy to feel as though something is wrong with you if you don't really "get it." It takes time to sort through the stuff that you can relate to, and sometimes it just gets tiring.
Maybe give the reading a rest for a while, or find a new source? It all depends on what she's looking at.
We have a thread with encouraging stories, Poly Vignettes: Sharing Success & Happiness.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Sounds like she's doing internet "research" like going to WebMD when you've got a headache and walking away sure that it's a brain tumor. Lots of poly resources on the internet are downright bizarre, depressing and don't represent the actual experience one iota. Not too crazy about some of the poly "Bibles" floating around, either. This forum is the most reflective of what poly actually is, IMO - real people in real relationships of staggering variety.
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What about Opening Up, it's mostly pretty upbeat.
GreenAcres
New member
Would she go to a meetup, maybe, to meet real people? The reality is that the internet is skewed negative for pretty much anything, because people without issues are less likely to be seeking help there. Maybe meeting people who are living as poly might be let her ask questions, see some positive attitudes?
I am getting through this one now, wife is in another book. Hopefully she will continue on to Opening Up.
The meet up thing came up too. Small town, so we would have to make a trip out of it. I know of a town a few hours away that lists a monthly meeting.
I fear her search syntax is related to how she might feel about the idea.
Thanks