timeloardess
New member
Yes, he doesn't want people who he has known or know about his private life.
I find myself at the same place again!
- Thread starter timeloardess
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Yes, he doesn't want people who he has known or know about his private life.
YouAreHere
Well-known member
What makes a stranger easier to trust (for hubby) than a friend? If you began to date someone, hubby approved, and you invited this person into your family only to find out that they share common friends, then what?
I, like your husband, don't really want to be "outed" against my control (especially among my coworkers) BUT I also accept that the planet is small, people know each other, and it may happen at some point. Part of the "price of entry" into my relationship with my partner is the fact that I can't *really* keep this cat in a bag forever (and don't really want to, to some extent - it's nice to not have to hide things from people). It's a frustrating, fruitless task to try, as once you define your line, there are suddenly other cases that inch over it. Do you keep moving the line, or do you just accept some level of risk?
I, like your husband, don't really want to be "outed" against my control (especially among my coworkers) BUT I also accept that the planet is small, people know each other, and it may happen at some point. Part of the "price of entry" into my relationship with my partner is the fact that I can't *really* keep this cat in a bag forever (and don't really want to, to some extent - it's nice to not have to hide things from people). It's a frustrating, fruitless task to try, as once you define your line, there are suddenly other cases that inch over it. Do you keep moving the line, or do you just accept some level of risk?
timeloardess
New member
That is what I thought, I asked him if he is willing not to make it private would it be okay. DH says there is no guarantee for him to do that basically, people will ask who his GF is and so forth. Now, I told DH that when we talked and I learned about where he use to work he stated he hasn't talked to any one from there in over a year. That still wasn't enough for DH. I guess for DH its better with a stranger, at least this is the first time I have ever had an issue like this.
vinsanity0
Active member
I was like that at the beginning. I didn't want my wife openly dating in front of my friends, much less dating someone I knew. That was because I was afraid of how others would view me, or that they might think my wife was sleeping around on me behind my back. Ego. It seems kind of silly to me now.
Of course this does nothing to help you in your current situation. I mention it to show that people can change. It's a shame DH isn't the one on here trying to work out his issues. He is the one who needs to do the work.
timeloardess
New member
That is what I wish would happen but he won't do that. I asked him to go with me to our local poly meet ups and he doesn't want to, he can be stubborn sometimes.
New boyfriend had no idea when you met who you were and who you were married to, right? That tells me you weren't going to work functions with hubby every year and socialising with the people he work[ed/s] with. If someone asks new boyfriend who his girlfriend is, he says "her name is timeloardess, I'm very happy with her" and the conversation moves on. If he wants to introduce you to close friends, then there is a proviso there that it can't be anyone who hubby knows. People really don't talk about others as much as you think. He has absolutely no reason to name your husband as the other man in your life, especially if he's aware that it's a sensitive issue.
If he were a stranger to him, there's absolutely no guarantee that he wouldn't come to be a part of you and your husband's life, and then meet a mutual acquaintance of your husband, and unknowingly blurt it out. So to my mind, this tactic stands very little chance of protecting his privacy in the way that he thinks it will. If he's not able to handle the small risk of people finding out and it's tying him up into knots thinking about it, then you might both be better off closing your relationship until it's resolved. That kind of cloak and dagger secrecy works if you just have an occasional fuck buddy (as your husband prefers) but it's never going to work long-term in a way that gives you the opportunity to have the kind of relationships you crave. Rather than pulling others into your life only to have to end it with them, I think you both need to stop dating altogether while you figure this out. Your poly styles do not match, and that can be accommodated, but only with a bit of flexibility from each of you.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
In my experience, just keeping this at the forefront of my mind is what can move mountains because how we view people has a huge influnece on how they "are." Nobody is a statue. Keep quietly to what feels authentic to you and you'll be slowly and quietly pleased by how very much the people around you actually do change.
PinkPig
Well-known member
The thing that makes no sense to me is that DH is not telling you that you have to break it off with your bf, right? He just wants it to be separate/compartmentalized, no interaction with mutual friends, family, your children, or him, right? So, how exactly is that going to make much difference in whether new bf accidentally (or purposely) outs you & your dh to a mutual acquaintance? It's really not! Maybe there's slightly less opportunity for him to out you (or at least the illusion of less opportunity), but the reality is that he still can. For that matter, he can out you even if you break up with him right now!
I think you have two viable options going forward. You can keep seeing him and just not go out of your way to keep it secret from hubby...hoping that he'll eventually adjust and be open to including bf in your family life like you want. The risk there for you and bf is that dh will change his mind and veto bf (same as he did your last bf.) If you choose this route, I agree with everyone else, your bf absolutely needs to know that your hubby has veto rights. That way he can make the informed choice to be in relationship with you, knowing that your hubby ultimately has control of the relationship. Anything else is unfair to him.
The other option is to do what tenk suggests...close your relationship on both ends and work on negotiating a style that works for you and your hubby before opening again. Many would consider this the most ethical choice; however, if bf has full knowledge of the veto power your hubby has, and he still consents to the relationship, then it's ultimately his choice.
timeloardess
New member
Thanks again for all the feedback! I will update over the weekend for any new developments; but for sure our feelings (OSO and me) are fairly intertwined.
I am sorry you struggle.
If I get this right, your husband used to be your boyfriend's boss. And though they are not in the same company today, they are both still in the same field in the town where you live. They both still rub elbows with common worker people. DH is not comfortable doing "kitchen table poly" with this one BF as a result. He worries about being "out-ed" somehow at work.
DH welcomed you previous BF into the poly family. But previous BF was not his former coworker. Dh felt comfortable doing kitchen table poly with that one.
That said, your husband said go ahead and have a relationship with this one. He's not saying a hard limit NO -- he's saying yes with some limits so he can feel safe enough in a "V" with you as the hinge and this new BF. Just don't be telling husband about it or involving husband and don't bring BF to the house.
Maybe he figures the less they interact then the less there is to tell?
You don't want to break up with DH. You are willing to break up with OSO.
Is that where this is at?
Galagirl
If I get this right, your husband used to be your boyfriend's boss. And though they are not in the same company today, they are both still in the same field in the town where you live. They both still rub elbows with common worker people. DH is not comfortable doing "kitchen table poly" with this one BF as a result. He worries about being "out-ed" somehow at work.
DH welcomed you previous BF into the poly family. But previous BF was not his former coworker. Dh felt comfortable doing kitchen table poly with that one.
That said, your husband said go ahead and have a relationship with this one. He's not saying a hard limit NO -- he's saying yes with some limits so he can feel safe enough in a "V" with you as the hinge and this new BF. Just don't be telling husband about it or involving husband and don't bring BF to the house.
Maybe he figures the less they interact then the less there is to tell?
You don't want to break up with DH. You are willing to break up with OSO.
- So now you get to figure out if dating this guy is worth it to you if you don't get to have the model you like best (kitchen table poly).
- And you accept it would be more like a DADT model on the (you + DH) side of the V if you continue with OSO.
- Or if you rather break up with OSO and move on to date a person that has no connection at all to DH's work -- past or present.
- And then you could have the kitchen table poly model on the (you + DH) side of the V. Because then DH would be more agreeable to that model with a non-coworker.
Is that where this is at?
Galagirl
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I hear that you want to ideally have 2 husbands. And that is a fine goal.
However, you have chosen a new OSO on your husband's "messy people list." He is embarrassed to be around this guy, and he doesn't want this guy to potentially out what is going on to common acquaintances.
If it were me, I'd make sure to get rid of the veto idea. That never works. It just breeds resentment.
It's great that hubby at least is willing for you to continue seeing new OSO, as long as there's a sort of don't ask, don't tell arrangement in place. So. Since you are infatuated with new OSO, keep seeing him. Grow the relationship. See if it works out (things often don't work out). Don't talk about him to hubby, at least, no details, no sharing of any drama or issues you have with OSO. Don't gush about how great he is either. Just play it cool out of respect for hubby's discomfort.
There's a chance that after you keep seeing him for a few months, and he seems trustworthy, your hubby might relax a bit and regard new OSO as less of a risk to out him as poly. After all, new guy is also in a poly relationship and might want to keep it all on the DL amongst colleagues as well!
And hon, no more of this "I just can't help myself," and walking holding hands with the guy at work functions. You're just shooting yourself in the foot right out of the gate!
However, you have chosen a new OSO on your husband's "messy people list." He is embarrassed to be around this guy, and he doesn't want this guy to potentially out what is going on to common acquaintances.
If it were me, I'd make sure to get rid of the veto idea. That never works. It just breeds resentment.
It's great that hubby at least is willing for you to continue seeing new OSO, as long as there's a sort of don't ask, don't tell arrangement in place. So. Since you are infatuated with new OSO, keep seeing him. Grow the relationship. See if it works out (things often don't work out). Don't talk about him to hubby, at least, no details, no sharing of any drama or issues you have with OSO. Don't gush about how great he is either. Just play it cool out of respect for hubby's discomfort.
There's a chance that after you keep seeing him for a few months, and he seems trustworthy, your hubby might relax a bit and regard new OSO as less of a risk to out him as poly. After all, new guy is also in a poly relationship and might want to keep it all on the DL amongst colleagues as well!
And hon, no more of this "I just can't help myself," and walking holding hands with the guy at work functions. You're just shooting yourself in the foot right out of the gate!
timeloardess
New member
Thanks everyone for your continued support It feels good in knowing there is a community out here! So we have been dealing with what looked like a doom heartbreak. Today after spending am intense shopping day with DH he said that it's clear my BF is making me happy, and in turn he is glad to see this too. He said he is open to meeting him (he said it will be awkward at first) and having him over for dinner. BF is out of town until Thursday or Friday (he is not sure which day he will drive back yet) I am not going to tell him until I see him in person but he will be excited to hear this
It feels good in knowing there is a community out here! So we have been dealing with what looked like a doom heartbreak. Today after spending am intense shopping day with DH he said that it's clear my BF is making me happy, and in turn he is glad to see this too. He said he is open to meeting him (he said it will be awkward at first) and having him over for dinner. BF is out of town until Thursday or Friday (he is not sure which day he will drive back yet) I am not going to tell him until I see him in person but he will be excited to hear this
Thanks everyone for your continued support
Great!
timeloardess
New member
Well I guess I misunderstood him when he said he wanted to meet my BF! So the point we are at is he won't meet him but I can bring him around our home and children. He has no problem with any of this as long as he never sees him. I guess it doesn't bring us back to square as he has no restrictions just on how we are doing poly
timeloardess
New member
Happy New Year Everyone!
Well I guess I am here wondering why things have to be the way it is. Yesterday after spending a great time with my BF I came home so me and DH could spend new years eve together. We both went out without OSO and said we would spend the evening together with the kids. Well, he had a great evening with his GF, talked about what he wanted to and then I was talking about me and my BF to him. I happen to mention it to him because I was grateful that he was going to give us time alone at our house together but then my phone was still on silent from the movies earlier that day and I missed the time, but anyways I had said how we both were grateful for his efforts.
Well that was a huge mistake and really sent him into a demanding mode. He asked why did I bring up his name to him and if he knows he knows. Umm well that was in passing and its clear that he knows by now I mean he has either been over to our house or with our kids every day this week so its not a big secrete.
Basically, our conversation went down to him reminding me he is doing me a huge favor by allowing me to even date my BF and he can put a stop to it at anytime. Of course as he was saying this to me my whole feeling of being energized and happy changed dramatically and then I was reprimanded for not still being cheerful after he told me this. Needless to say after that I certainly didn't feel like ringing in the new year with him and vice versa because he fell asleep shortly after that.
I have never seen him act like this before, I asked if he wanted to go with me to our local poly meet-ups maybe talking to someone might help him but he said no. I have never experienced this before, granted iv dated but never had developed strong feelings for someone before and now I am into it thinking DH has never been prepared for it. I mean iv stated what I want, clearly to him and he says o that is great but then when it is presented to him he acts completely different.
Today I sit here wondering should I break it off now before we are too further into it, I mean im not sure how much further is too further? Iv meet my BF mom, been to her house 2x's this week along with my own children and she is understanding to us being in a poly relationship. I am already upset over what my DH said to me last night, so feelings will be hurt regardless. Or do I continue and have DH have to face this issue he has because frankly him thinking he holds the scissors to cut my ties in this relationship is BS I never agreed to that either.
I am sorry your NYE was disappointing.
As I understand it, current agreements are
So then...
If you cannot keep that agreement of not talking to DH about your BF, you could tell DH and either renegotiate agreements or let either BF or DH go.
You can basically date this BF in a "Don't ask, don't tell" model. You are not going to get "cozy share everything" model here. Are you not happy with a DADT model?
I wonder if what he means is...
DH isn't feeling appreciated because recently he consented to you bringing the BF around. Before the old agreement was that DH not see him, you don't talk about him, and you don't bring him to the house. So maybe he felt like he had given something for you to feel more comfortable. But here you are talking about the BF on New Year's Eve. NOT honoring things in the agreement that help DH feel comfortable.
You express you and BF are grateful (talk) but you do not DO grateful. (keeping agreement actions).
DH could ASK you to dump the BF. You could say yes or no. But he cannot ORDER you to do it. So why choose to get upset about that at this time? You know the reality.
That to me is a side trip that doesn't need to be taken right now.
SHORT TERM
I think you could you could apologize to DH for talking to him about your BF and breaking agreement rather than focussing on your NYE date with DH.
Ask him what things you ARE allowed to talk about -- just calendar and sex health labs? Get more clarity on that so you can better keep the agreement in future.
LONG TERM
Once clarified, I think you could focus on holding up your side of the agreement better.
And take a step back to assess if a DADT model is something you even enjoy or not. Otherwise making agreements to sustain such a model is moot.
Galagirl
As I understand it, current agreements are
"Date your BF. You can bring him around the house when I'm not there. I don't want to see him. I don't want you to tell me about him."
So then...
- DH is home to keep his NYE date with you. He wants to talk about what you guys can do together.
- Instead of (talking with DH about what to do together on your NYE date) you start talking about (You + BF being grateful)
- DH gets mad because you are breaking agreement to not talk to DH about your BF
- You are surprised DH is mad you cross that line.
If you cannot keep that agreement of not talking to DH about your BF, you could tell DH and either renegotiate agreements or let either BF or DH go.
You can basically date this BF in a "Don't ask, don't tell" model. You are not going to get "cozy share everything" model here. Are you not happy with a DADT model?
I wonder if what he means is...
DH isn't feeling appreciated because recently he consented to you bringing the BF around. Before the old agreement was that DH not see him, you don't talk about him, and you don't bring him to the house. So maybe he felt like he had given something for you to feel more comfortable. But here you are talking about the BF on New Year's Eve. NOT honoring things in the agreement that help DH feel comfortable.
You express you and BF are grateful (talk) but you do not DO grateful. (keeping agreement actions).
DH could ASK you to dump the BF. You could say yes or no. But he cannot ORDER you to do it. So why choose to get upset about that at this time? You know the reality.
That to me is a side trip that doesn't need to be taken right now.
SHORT TERM
I think you could you could apologize to DH for talking to him about your BF and breaking agreement rather than focussing on your NYE date with DH.
Ask him what things you ARE allowed to talk about -- just calendar and sex health labs? Get more clarity on that so you can better keep the agreement in future.
LONG TERM
Once clarified, I think you could focus on holding up your side of the agreement better.
And take a step back to assess if a DADT model is something you even enjoy or not. Otherwise making agreements to sustain such a model is moot.
Galagirl
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