Unplanned Pregnancy

H

Hurtscorpio

New member
My partner and I at one point had a partner that we hoped to become a triad with. She had monogamous plans for him. Long story short I distanced myself from her and understanding his love for her, I made my doubts(she doesn't deserve or love him, she has no ambition, etc) known and left it alone. I asked him to keep her away from me, do not get her pregnant and not to discuss her or talk to get on the phone around me. So far that was going fine until i discovered through a mutual friend that shes pregnant. He doesn't know if it's his but the possibility is real.

Through trial and error I'm now convinced I can't have children something we've been trying for awhile. Something I'm so sensitive about because my desire is so strong to bear children. This feels like slap in the face. How greedy/irresponsible/reckless is he? i dont want to build a family with that woman and i would never want to treat his "child" differently than the others because of her. I love this man more than anything but idk what to do besides wait and see.

Help
 
It seems a little early to be too stressed. Have you talked to your partner about it? Was it really irresponsible or was it a normally reliable birth control method failing (or even multiple BC methods failing - I've known more than one person to get pregnant while using condoms AND oral contraceptives)?

Personally, I've always thought that pregnancy and STIs are two things that anyone in a sexually open relationship (whether it's poly or just sex) need to be prepared to face. It's something that is discussed very early on in any of my relationships, and Hubby and I had multiple conversations about it before either of us began dating anyone else.
 
Has your partner actually talked to this woman about the pregnancy yet? Seems like that would be the first step ;) I can't tell from your post how serious his relationship with her is, but it seems strange to me that you are learning about the pregnancy from a random friend.

There are a lot of unknowns here - time for some open and honest communication. Your partner and your metamour need to discuss if your partner is the father, if she is planning on continuing the pregnancy and keeping the baby, and what kind of co-parenting she might want (if he is the dad and she does decide to have and keep the child.) And once you have all the information, you and your partner can discuss how all of this affects your relationship. Figure it out one step at a time :)
 
I don't know that you would have to "build a family with her" just because she's preggers. If she keeps it and it is his, she and the kid don't have to live with you and your husband. He can split his time between two households, or she might want to co-parent with someone else, other people, her family, etc. Or she might terminate. You don't know. But you should look into the legal ramifications because no matter where she lives, if he is the father, he will probably be responsible for child support.

I wouldn't automatically jump to the conclusion that your husband was "greedy, irresponsible, and reckless" because this happened, either. Women can get pregnant with very reliable birth control in place, even IUDs and the pill are not failsafe.

Time to get some straight answers. Communication is key here!
 
Hurtscorpio said:
Through trial and error I'm now convinced I can't have children something we've been trying for awhile. Something I'm so sensitive about because my desire is so strong to bear children. Help
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I'm so sorry. This is the crux of it, isn't it. Sometimes it seems like the universe has a really fucked up sense of humour. i.e. not funny at all.

When you're TTC and someone else does, especially with these circumstances, ouch x a zillion. Especially after you had said that was effectively a hard limit for you.

Are you going to enforce the hard limit?

That's also the tough part, at the end of the day, it is your call what you do next.

Honestly, this is a great resource for that, because writing you thoughts out means that you don't have to hold on to the same ones. Put them on this metaphorical paper and then move to the next ones. There will be a record if you need to check something from earlier.

I'm guessing if she carries and keeps the baby there will be dna testing for fatherhood. This might pass yet. Keep looking after you.

arohanui
Evie
 
I am sorry you struggle with this news. I hope you feel better for the vent.

If this is the current agreement...

I asked him to keep her away from me, do not get her pregnant and not to discuss her or talk to get on the phone around me.
Click to expand...

If she's pregnant, I guess you guys are waiting to see if it is by him or not? So you know if he broke agreements or not?

idk what to do besides wait and see.
Click to expand...


YOUR BODY

In the waiting... you could do your self care. Did he also break fluid bonding agreements? Because if she's pregnant by Mystery Dude, and she had unprotected sex with him and he with you...Do you need to be tested for STDs? Does he?

YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM

In the waiting... you could decide what the consequence are to the relationship.
What's the conclusion for you...

  • If it turns out it is not his? Do you still feel dating him? Ok with her in your poly network?
  • If he did break agreements by being careless... what then? Do you still feel dating him? What will change in his sex practices in future to prevent this?
  • If a condom broke, but then neither of them sought emergency contraception... what then? Do you still feel dating him? What will change in his sex practices in future to deal with this?

Or are these things deal breakers for you? Ultimately what is your desired outcome?

You could think things out while you wait, and when you know if he's the father or not, you can then pick the track that matches.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Hurtscorpio,

Sorry this has happened to you, I can see how it would be extra painful when you so badly wanted to get pregnant yourself. What's the deal with your partner (and his now-pregnant partner)? Was he careless in not taking precautions, or was this a freak accident? What does he have to say for himself?

I don't think you have a lot of options, unfortunately. :(
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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