Feeling lost and confused

J

JHS

New member
Hi All,

I'm a 35 year old woman in a mono relationship and my husband now wants us to pursue a poly lifestyle. I am struggling with this. Sorry if this is a bit lengthy...

To give you some background my SO and I have been together for 15 years, 8 of which we've been married and with a 5 year old son. Our relationship has been mono, amazing and full of love and compassion, etc. All except for the last two years when my husband and I fell in to a period of stagnation and pretty much a sexless marriage. I was supporting him in pursuing his dream hobbies and I ended up staying home taking care of our son. We both drifted apart and were unhappy and then a couple months ago he met another woman who he had a secret emotional affair of the heart with- meaning I didn't know about her and he was meeting with her in private and carrying on a secret relationship.

He would meet secretly or say he was going to a work event and then leave early to go spend time with her. They did not have sex, but he kissed her on several occasions and built a very strong emotional connection and has feelings of love for her and wants her physically and romantically. I only found out accidentally and when I did find out he brought up that he wants us to open up our marriage.

I am perfectly happy being in a mono relationship with him and he says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and die in my arms... but he now wants to be able to be free to pursue and grow connections with other women without any restraints.

I want him to be happy more than anything and am trying to be open minded about this and turn our relationship poly as he says I will benefit from this as well, but I can't seem to get over the feelings of insecurity.

We both agree that we need to fix our relationship first before we pursue this type of lifestyle but he is still very emotionally invested in the other woman and still maintains a relationship with her by messaging. I feel the distance between us when she is on his mind... which seems like it is all the time. His moods swing based on whether or not she has responded to him in a timely fashion and when he doesn't hear from her for a couple days he becomes anxious and sulky. I told him if he wanted her that badly to go, I will set him free, but he doesn't want to leave me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me... but he wants her too.

Our relationship has improved by bounds since we both realized we almost lost each other and we are doing research and continuously discussing concerns and wants out of a poly lifestyle- mostly my concerns and his wants, but I still get this unsettled and easy feeling when I open up to it more.

Today I told him that I would be open to try making connections with another person together with him and not separately to see if this is something I can actually enjoy and be ok with. We are going to Europe in Summer without our son and would use this time to explore a bit and maybe meet some people in the poly community. But I also told him that I don't think I would feel comfortable with him having that type of relationship with the other woman as there are already feelings of betrayal, lies and disrespect- she knew he was married and knows my family and that he wanted to fix our relationship and advanced on him... but also told him she didn't want a relationship with a married man, but didn't stop his advances.

I would have thought that by feeling that we could explore this lifestyle a little bit at a time, very slowly I would be able to feel at ease. But now that i've told him we can delve in to it a little deeper together when we go abroad I feel like i've put myself in a corner or backed myself up against a wall.

I'm not really sure what i'm looking for here... advice, comfort, answers, etc. and I apologize for that. It's just that I have no one to talk to other than my SO and I'm feeling so lost and even scared. I just want him to be happy and fulfilled, but I want to be happy too.

Thanks!
 
Today I told him that I would be open to try making connections with another person together with him and not separately to see if this is something I can actually enjoy and be ok with. We are going to Europe in Summer without our son and would use this time to explore a bit and maybe meet some people in the poly community.
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No...that sounds more like swinging. So you want to have some threesomes while traveling around Europe. Sounds like fun, but it is not poly.

The main cause of your insecurity is your monogamous mindset. It is hard for you to grasp that your husband could love both you and someone else. You feel that if he falls for someone else he will leave you. You feel like this because that is what monogamous people do if they fall for someone else.

I think you are assuming that your husband is just looking for sex. It makes no sense that he would be happy fucking random strangers when he has someone he is emotionally attached to.

Poly may not be for you and that is okay.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Basically it sounds like he cheated on your monogamous agreements. Poly is not the whitewash for that.

I would have thought that by feeling that we could explore this lifestyle a little bit at a time, very slowly I would be able to feel at ease. But now that i've told him we can delve in to it a little deeper together when we go abroad I feel like i've put myself in a corner or backed myself up against a wall.
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Sure. It isn't like polyamory is "cheat proof." Poly agreements can also be broken. It's normal to feel unsafe and unsettled trusting his Word about poly agreements when it is a) a new model and b) well , he just broke his Word before! To me it sounds like you are considering forgiveness, but he hasn't yet made amends.

So now the affair is out in the open, and there's some poly hell as he tries to repair things with you AND deal with his NRE. What's he doing to repair trust?

In your shoes? I would not agree to anything just yet. You cannot be rushed, and trust has to be rebuilt.

It is rare to see people transition into polyamory with the cheating affair partner still in the mix too. They could have to mend fences with you first because they helped your partner to cheat. Unless your partner was lying to them too.

Do not rush to leap into a "V" model and mend fences later. First things first.

Could any of this describe what you are feeling?

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

Galagirl
 
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vinsanity0 said:
No...that sounds more like swinging. So you want to have some threesomes while traveling around Europe. Sounds like fun, but it is not poly.
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I do not want to swing and sex or a threesome is not what I was gunning for. I am trying to see what it would be like to grow a deep meaningful connection with another person, with him as well, which may or may not lead to sex. Starting off going in to something together and seeing how comfortable we can both be with it. My SO is a musician a free spirited thinker. I am similar, but a little more left brained and we both have fallen in love with Europe on the bohemian lifestyle there. So naturally it is the place I would feel comfortable trying to open my mind to this lifestyle. Not the tiny community of close minded people we live in now.

The main cause of your insecurity is your monogamous mindset. It is hard for you to grasp that your husband could love both you and someone else. You feel that if he falls for someone else he will leave you. You feel like this because that is what monogamous people do if they fall for someone else.
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NO, I actually don't feel this way. Even though I am mono, I am not stuck in a mono mentality. I grew up in a poly family... my father had two wives and two sets of children and we all grew up together. I do not fear he will leave me as I am a strong enough person with who I am to be in or out of our relationship and I've told this to him. When he told me he loved her I was genuinely happy for him and have even helped him try to maintain a friendship with her when he was gripping her to tightly- not to chase her off.

What I feel the roadblock is, is that I feel like part of what we have/had has been given to someone else. I sense or have a feeling and fear of a loss and don't know if I can settle for a relationship that feels like less than what we used to have. Like part of our connection has been frayed and his frayed strands are being tangled with someone else.

I think you are assuming that your husband is just looking for sex. It makes no sense that he would be happy fucking random strangers when he has someone he is emotionally attached to.
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On the contrary, I know he is not just looking for sex. He is looking for more than that and that's the hard part for me. If it was just sex we would both be in a non-mono relationship where we could just both have casual sex with the other people we are both physically attracted to. The spiritual connection we both shared is what I am fearing have less of.
 
It sounds like the thing that would make you feel better has nothing to do with tipping your toes into polyamory together, but repairing that frayed edge. Getting more secure and renewing the energy in your own relationship with him. There has obviously been some neglect, perhaps a dash of taking each other for granted, that lead up to you guys drifting apart and entering a sexless phase. It sounds like you get his polyamory but are insecure because your gut is telling you something is missing from you and him. I think in your shoes this is what I would be wanting to work on. Of course, he may be better able to do that if his own head is in the game and not spun out on new-girl. You could give him the opportunity to try, and see whether he really can juggle both relationships, although I suspect she's not really on board with polyamory either and inevitably that will put additional strain on him.

In short, I would use the time in Europe to reconnect with him, not to try to attempt some kind of triadic relationship with someone else. That is deeply impractical and unlikely to pan out well - just read this forum to hear of the many many MANY ways a couple with an insecure connection and a desire for poly can make their own lives hell by "adding a third". Consider your own wants and needs. You may very well come to realise you are truly monogamous when it comes to love, but that being in an open relationship can allow you to explore your sexuality with others in really positive ways. Or you might discover that as long as you feel fully connected to him, him having another relationship is not such a big deal to you. What you know right now is that not feeling fully connected to him, and him having another relationship is NOT okay, so I'd start with the first part of that statement and work from there.
Best of luck.
 
JHS said:
.... I feel like part of what we have/had has been given to someone else. I sense or have a feeling and fear of a loss and don't know if I can settle for a relationship that feels like less than what we used to have. Like part of our connection has been frayed and his frayed strands are being tangled with someone else.
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I sense that this is it - you're a monogamous couple that has drifted apart and your husband has found intimacy with a woman who is also monogamous. It's too painful for both of you right now if he were to choose one woman, so you're both looking to "poly" to solve this. Doesn't sound like anyone in this situation really wants polyamory.

It's always a mystery to me how couples can drift apart, have little or no sex for years and then be surprised when one or both find intimacy elsewhere. Human beings need intimate connection and we find it how we can. I wouldn't focus much on the "cheating" aspect of this, but on whether you and your husband truly still want to be married to each other. If you haven't had a sexual relationship for years, why not just release each other from fidelity and allow each other to form intimate monogamous relationships with another? This can be a beautiful solution that doesn't involve divorce or forced "polyamory."
 
Fix your marriage FIRST before attempting poly. Poly never fixes a broken relationship.

Poly makes every single flaw appear magnified 10 fold.
 
It's common for long term mono couples to imagine when they "go poly" that they can protect their relationship by finding a girl they can share. This is wrong. Most of the time, even if you do find a willing girl, she will fall more for one of you than the other. There is no guarantee you will find someone to "share" 100% equally, even after a decade of searching. That is why these women sought by couples are called "unicorns." It is because they do not exist.

Better to repair your marriage first, perhaps with counseling. Your husband cheated on you and lied to you. His gf willingly helped a married man cheat on his spouse. This is shaky ethics. He may be infatuated with her now, and not feel willing to pull back from her. Tough! He's a cheater! He's married to you, committed to you. He broke his vows. Unless your vows didn't mention being only for each other, it's time to lean into your problems and fix them, instead of tolerating the band-aid of another woman that your husband chose.

He can refuse to give her up though, if he wishes. In that case, it's up to you to decide what to do... One option is to leave him.

Tough times. Good luck!
 
I feel like part of what we have/had has been given to someone else.
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He cheated. So yes. You have lost

  • some trust in his Word
  • some faith in him not hurting you intentionally. Would have been painful to hear he wanted to be with someone else first, but it would have been CLEAN. This way is just messy.
  • exclusivity and having him all to yourself.

Things are not the same.

I sense or have a feeling and fear of a loss
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You need time to mourn loss/betrayal.


don't know if I can settle for a relationship that feels like less than what we used to have.
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Mourn first. Then when able to consider, discern and decide what you want next. But don't "settle" -- go for what you really want.

If what you really want is a monogamous relationship, and he can no longer provide that, you may have to consider parting ways as a healthier next step than entering "meh" poly just to cling to him.

If poly is not a "joyous yes" for you, don't go there.

Like part of our connection has been frayed and his frayed strands are being tangled with someone else.
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You both contributed to the fraying. You both stopped putting energy into the marriage and allowed it to drift apart.

It's time to assess if you both want to complete that detachment process and end it clean. Or if you both want to reinvest and rebuild it.

You might want to see a marriage counselor and not make any major life changing decisions right now like Opening a marriage.

First things first. To me that means sorting stuff out for yourself first, then with him to see what lines up or not. Things like...

  • Do you both still want to be together?

    • Yes/No on willingness.
  • Are you still able to be together?
    • Yes/no on the forgive/make amends bit?
    • Yes/no on the rebuild trust bit?
    • Yes/no on relationship model moving forward? (Closed or Open model?)
      • If Open... WHICH Open Model?
      • If Open... yes/no on the cheating partner still being around in it?

Because if this is a deal breaker to you, and you are not longer willing, anything after that is moot and a waste of time/energy discussing. The discussion topic would have to change from "How can we be together?" to "How can we best break up clean?"

I encourage you to take a time out and do the thinking you need and get help from a counselor. You sound like you could use some extra support at this time.

Galagirl
 
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Hi JHS,

Re (from OP):
"We are going to Europe in summer without our son and would use this time to explore a bit and maybe meet some people in the poly community."
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Well let's assume that is still what you plan to do. Alright. But what about the interval between now and summer? Is your husband going to continue to contact that other woman? Are you okay with him doing that? How do you propose to prevent him from doing that?

Let's then assume that the ideal scenario plays out and your husband agrees to take a break from contacting that other woman at least until your trip this summer. But then, after the trip is over, he wants to start contacting that other woman again. How will you respond? Will it depend on whether you liked what you experienced while you were in Europe?

A lot depends on whether you want him to give up that other woman, and on whether he's willing to give her up. That's all I'm saying ...

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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