Co-Dependency vs. Polyamory - feeling hopeless

[SchrodingersCat]

I want to comment on the 'codependent' aspect of this discussion here. As someone who studied psychology, I can say that 'codependent' is one of the most abused terms around. Furthermore, it's often referred to as a 'mental illness' when it isn't one. Pick up a DSM-V and you won't find any reference to 'codependent' disorders.

Good point. One of my reactions to this thread was: why does it have to be dysfunctional if two people want to be two halves of a whole? It's not how I personally prefer my relationships, but then neither is monogamy, so what does that matter? There are plenty of perfectly happy couples who see themselves as two halves of a whole, and if they're happy and functional, then who are we to say they're broken? Psychiatrists used to diagnose homosexuality as a mental disorder, and we all agree how wrong that is!

I took another route in my post because, no matter what you call it, the boyfriend obviously has issues with self-esteem and social isolation. The label of the problem doesn't change the fact that it's a problem, official diagnosis of a mental disorder or not.

 

[KC43]

I think you can also look at it this way:

Each person is a whole person in and of themselves. But a couple is a different type of "whole". To have a whole couple, you have to have two people, and in that sense, each member of the couple is, in fact, half of that whole. That doesn't mean they aren't whole people by themselves; it just means that each whole *person* is half of a whole *couple.*

There's nothing inherently negative or dysfunctional about that; it's a simple matter of mathematics and fractions.

If, however, one person does not feel like they are a whole person unless they are part of a couple, that could be a sign of a problem, whether a mental health issue or a self-esteem issue or whatever.

I'm half of the whole couple made up of Hubby and me. I'm also half of the whole couple made up of Woody and me. But I am ALSO a whole person in and of myself. Neither Hubby nor Woody "completes" me; they each combine with me to create a larger whole.

Did any of that make sense? I have some brain fog going on, so I may have rambled...

 

[branches]

I'm confused. Are these platonic friendships or friends that you hope may become romantic partners? If they are friends, I'm not sure why you need to give them up? If they have been presented to the Writer as potential new partners, I can kind of understand why he would want you to calm things down with them while you and he sort out where you are.

Do you not have other friends that are not tied up in your new poly feelings who you could feel revitalized with?

They are currently platonic friendships that I hope would become romantic partners.

I'm feeling very confused now, to have people telling me that my feelings are not polyamorous. I've found that, when I feel this deep kind of deep connection, I tend to give myself completely. I want our friendships to grow, but that also means I want to give myself physically and sexually as well. I've always been a very physical person, and I love giving back rubs, long embraces, etc. That is nothing new. But with these two in particular, I want to be able to snuggle, I want to be able to kiss them when I feel the desire to, I want to be able to be with them sexually, I want to love them the same way that I love the writer. Is that not polyamory?

I think my heart is on it’s way in that direction to, whether I want it to or not. Even if I were to cut them out of my life completely, I think I would still get very hurt by it. I’m willing slowly, but it’s hard to stop, and also try to backpedal. In the past when I’ve felt like this about other people, I’ve ended my relationships out of panic. I don’t WANT to end the relationship with the Writer. I haven’t fallen out of love with him, and despite the issues that have cropped up since we moved in together, I think we have an incredibly beautiful relationship that really works. I just have different needs than he does.

 

[branches]

I swear I'm going to figure the reply-to-thread thing eventually...

If you really don't think he's going to deal with the codependency, then I disagree with the other commenters. While I don't think polyamory will "help" your relationship, it would force his hand. Right now he has no reason to change. His life is going along tickity-boo, and you're the one sacrificing your needs. You describe it as a snowball rolling down a hill, getting worse and worse every day, not better. If you leave the snowball in his court, it's just going to keep rolling.

It's one thing to avoid moving forwards, but he has no right to push you backwards just so he can avoid moving forwards.

First of all, thank you for providing an alternative point of view. I find it really helpful to look at a situation from different sides.

Introvert actually did describe him really well… when we first met. He did have friends, but he needed very little time with them to rejuvenate, and would often want to leave social events early because, as he described it, he “filled his cup and it started to overflow.” I never saw that as an issue, but some time after we started dating, he stopped maintaining his friendships at all and focused entirely on our relationship.

I think what you say, above, is an extremely valid point. There was a part of me that felt he brought up “co-dependency” as a ‘trump card’ way of avoiding the having to deal with what I had brought to the table, and going back to a state of complacency. Our biggest “fight” in the past few months, has been over my feelings that he’s trying to ignore that I ever said anything at all, and to move on pretending like nothing happened.

There are ways to "move forward" with polyamory without blasting forwards, 0-60. It's not all or nothing. You have these platonic friends with whom it would be more convenient to crash after a late-night talk? Do it. You're not breaking any agreements, you were doing it the first year and a half of your relationship, and he should know by now that it doesn't mean you love him any less.

I think the hardest thing for him to accept is that things won’t change overnight. I think he’s afraid that if he says yes to polyamory, I’m immediately going to start having constant sex with as many guys as I can. I know that’s a common misconception for people that don’t understand polyamory. But what I wish he would acknowledge is that, at this point, absolutely nothing will change. I haven’t moved forward with either of the guys I’m interested in, because I wanted to figure out things with the Writer, first. Because that’s the right thing to do, even if I DO want to move forward with them, eventually.

I want to comment on the 'codependent' aspect of this discussion here. As someone who studied psychology, I can say that 'codependent' is one of the most abused terms around. Furthermore, it's often referred to as a 'mental illness' when it isn't one. Pick up a DSM-V and you won't find any reference to 'codependent' disorders.

My apologies, I acknowledge the misuse of the term. When he brought these issues up to me, he had said “these are the aspects of co-dependency that I relate to, that I feel are parts of my personality.” The terminology may be incorrect (I do not have substance abuse issues, I barely even drink, and he has never dated a substance abuser in the past), they are real issues that he has and I suppose neither of us stopped to think long enough to say “hey, we should figure out what the correct terminology is.”

I did study psychology for a time, though my most recent copy of the DSM is the IV-TR (I just can’t seem to adapt to the adjustments in the V). I never really spent too much time with Dependent personality, actually, so I think I will be looking into that further today. Thank you for the pointer, and I’ll try to be better about the adoption of the term co-depency in the future.

If, however, one person does not feel like they are a whole person unless they are part of a couple, that could be a sign of a problem, whether a mental health issue or a self-esteem issue or whatever.

I'm half of the whole couple made up of Hubby and me. I'm also half of the whole couple made up of Woody and me. But I am ALSO a whole person in and of myself. Neither Hubby nor Woody "completes" me; they each combine with me to create a larger whole.

Did any of that make sense? I have some brain fog going on, so I may have rambled...

It makes total sense! And I think that’s how -I- feel about relationships. I see myself as a whole person who choses to be a “half” of a couple. The problem we are facing right now, is that Writer does not want to be a whole person. I don’t know how I didn’t notice it before…. maybe just because it’s occurred slowly over time, but he’s abandoned a lot of his own hobbies for mine (he stopped playing guitar and started cooking, which is a hobby of mine), and stopped having his own friends and just focusing on “us,” stopped furthering his career and trying to invent projects for “us” to do that I’m not really interested in… I think he sees me as what “completes” him or makes him who he is. I do think that is a problem, regardless of what it’s called.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I'm feeling very confused now, to have people telling me that my feelings are not polyamorous. I've found that, when I feel this deep kind of deep connection, I tend to give myself completely. I want our friendships to grow, but that also means I want to give myself physically and sexually as well. I've always been a very physical person, and I love giving back rubs, long embraces, etc. That is nothing new. But with these two in particular, I want to be able to snuggle, I want to be able to kiss them when I feel the desire to, I want to be able to be with them sexually, I want to love them the same way that I love the writer. Is that not polyamory?

Ignore them. There's a minority of self-proclaimed poly police around here, but they don't know what they're talking about. The only thing you need to identify as polyamorous is a feeling that you identify as polyamorous. You clearly resonate with the label, and as far as I'm concerned, that's the single only criteria.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

They are currently platonic friendships that I hope would become romantic partners.

Ah - I wondered if they were.

For the moment, while you and the Writer sort things out between you, do you have any other friends that you are able to spend time with? Friends that are not part of the poly discussion?

You sound depressed, lonely and in need of company outside of your relationship. Yet - to spend lots of time with friends that you hope to be romantic partners with - at a time when you and Writer are working through your desire to be poly and his desire to remain mono - would seem likely to me to increase the drama and conflict in your life.

I'm feeling very confused now, to have people telling me that my feelings are not polyamorous.

The benefit of message boards like this one - this one in particular - is lots of view points, different people feeding back to you from their understanding of your words. The people here are diverse, living many different types of lives and having many different views. Diversity is encouraged and supported here which is why I like it.

My view point is that the vast majority of people feel like you do. Meet new people that under the right circumstances they'd like to have a romantic connection with. I have a small crush on a guy at my work just now and my partner, Art, is in love with a friend of his - he thinks she's sexy, smart and she's providing him with support just now as he goes through a tough time. Neither he nor I have fallen out of love with each other - not at all - our relationship is strong just now. Those feelings are all pretty normal human feelings and I'd guess that most folks experience them at times.

For me, feelings like that aren't enough to pursue multiple romantic relationships. To manage multiple romantic relationships takes time, effort, energy and planning.

The thing is that all of these seem in short supply for you right now. You describe yourself as depressed, you seem lonely and overwhelmed. You have a partner who shows no enthusiasm for poly. You are living with that partner and the living together seems to be causing problems together yet neither of you seem to want to work toward living apart again.

From reading your words, you seem to be clinging to the idea of a romantic relationship with one or both of your friends as a way to pull you out of the painful situation you find yourself in. A way to regain space from your partner without going through the pain of breaking up with him.

It isn't uncommon for people to turn to poly when they are going through big life changes or are depressed. Have read through the board. There are plenty of threads describing those situations - often from the unhappy spouses of those people.

If I were in your shoes I would suspect I that I was reacting to being depressed. I would probably seek ways to deal with my depression that seemed less likely to cause additional hurt and drama in my life. Seeing platonic friends who are platonic friends and not potential partners, finding ways to create some space in the home from my partner, doing my hobbies on my own and not letting my partner colonise them. Then, when I felt better, if I still felt like I wanted to have poly relationships, I'd do the work to make that happen.

I absolutely love dogs. Yearned for a close relationship with a dog for my whole life - it was literally all I could think about as a child. I was almost 30 before I ever experienced that sort of relationship. Much as I love dogs, relationships with them are time consuming and there is lots of learning to be done so that communication goes well and the relationship is a positive one. I had to wait because I needed to to form the sort of life that would allow me to be able to have a positive relationship with a dog. Much as I love dogs, before then, I couldn't have held up my end of the relationship bargain. Having waited and sorted myself out, living with dogs is all I'd ever hoped it would be and more.

I suspect that poly relationships are similar - go better when the people involved are in a position to give time and attention to them.

Nevertheless, you answer to nobody on this board and are free to ignore anything at all that you wish to ignore. We all have those choices.

IP

 

[Tinwen]

I'm feeling very confused now, to have people telling me that my feelings are not polyamorous. ... But with these two in particular, I want to be able to snuggle, I want to be able to kiss them when I feel the desire to, I want to be able to be with them sexually, I want to love them the same way that I love the writer. Is that not polyamory?

I was one of those people. Of course this may lead to poly (if you choose to). It was only a thought/warning about that feelings of wanting closer connection do not necessarily lead all the way or last in the long run. You came across to me like perhaps you do not necessarily need the complications of a second romantic and sexual relationship, like you may be jumping to conclusion like I did. But what you wrote now is more understandable, thanks for clarification. You know yourself best.

 

[LizziE]

I'm feeling very confused now, to have people telling me that my feelings are not polyamorous. I've found that, when I feel this deep kind of deep connection, I tend to give myself completely. I want our friendships to grow, but that also means I want to give myself physically and sexually as well. I've always been a very physical person, and I love giving back rubs, long embraces, etc. That is nothing new. But with these two in particular, I want to be able to snuggle, I want to be able to kiss them when I feel the desire to, I want to be able to be with them sexually, I want to love them the same way that I love the writer. Is that not polyamory?

Like SchrodingersCat said, ignore the poly police. What you're describing sounds exactly like polyamory. You can be poly and be sexually exclusive to one person. Or you can be sexually involved (or romantically involved) with multiple people. You're loving multiple people and doing your best to do it ethically, yes? That's polyamory.

From what you're writing, I really don't think you should shelve these friendships that may develop into more. Do the people that you're having these feelings for know about them/reciprocate? Do they identify as poly? Do they know anything of the problems between you and Writer?

Maybe you'd want to slow down on the possibility of becoming more sexually intimate with these people, but I do think backing off from them entirely is a mistake, because of the message it sends. Which is that when someone else (like Writer) has a freak-out, you'll drop everything (including your friends) to make that better until...when, exactly? Is that a message that you want to send?

When Jon and I had been dating for about six months, he and Lora had a huge fight that led to a break-up (that was over in a day), which led to them having a "relationship overhaul". It was about addressing issues that Lora was having and him working on fixing them. When it happened, he told me what was up and asked if I'd be OK not seeing him for a week, because he wanted to spend that week having some intense time and addressing of problems with Lora. To me, that felt "ok" because he was giving it a set period of time, make it clear this was an extraordinary circumstance, and we DID communicate that week. Phonecalls, chats, texting. Though the majority of his attention was focused on Lora, he made it clear that I was still in his heart and that he still cared.

And when the week was up, we went back to spending multiple nights a week together.

From what you've said, I don't think giving Writer and indefinite break while you "work things out" is going to help. What that will teach him is that you'll drop everything when he has a crisis. And if he *really* doesn't work to work this shit out, he'll could continually have a crisis that never gets quite good enough for you to pick the rest of your life back up. It may essentially teach him that he'll get what he wants by constantly being in a state of crisis, which is going to be terrible for your relationship together, as well as each of you individually.

So were I you, I might (maaaaybe) give him a week or two that it specifically engineered to lay down some ground rules or talk things out to a certain point and/or do some hard emotional work together. But after that time period is up, you go back to seeing your friends. He uses the tools you've talked about for self-care when you're not around. And you progress forward, instead of being stuck in the same place indefinitely.

 

[branches]

From reading your words, you seem to be clinging to the idea of a romantic relationship with one or both of your friends as a way to pull you out of the painful situation you find yourself in. A way to regain space from your partner without going through the pain of breaking up with him.

It isn't uncommon for people to turn to poly when they are going through big life changes or are depressed. Have read through the board. There are plenty of threads describing those situations - often from the unhappy spouses of those people.

If I were in your shoes I would suspect I that I was reacting to being depressed. I would probably seek ways to deal with my depression that seemed less likely to cause additional hurt and drama in my life. Seeing platonic friends who are platonic friends and not potential partners, finding ways to create some space in the home from my partner, doing my hobbies on my own and not letting my partner colonise them. Then, when I felt better, if I still felt like I wanted to have poly relationships, I'd do the work to make that happen.

I absolutely love dogs. Yearned for a close relationship with a dog for my whole life - it was literally all I could think about as a child. I was almost 30 before I ever experienced that sort of relationship. Much as I love dogs, relationships with them are time consuming and there is lots of learning to be done so that communication goes well and the relationship is a positive one. I had to wait because I needed to to form the sort of life that would allow me to be able to have a positive relationship with a dog. Much as I love dogs, before then, I couldn't have held up my end of the relationship bargain. Having waited and sorted myself out, living with dogs is all I'd ever hoped it would be and more.

I would agree with you if my desire to have romantic relationships with my current interests had occurred when I was depressed. But before I told the Writer about polyamory, I was actually quite happy. I was seeing my friends about once a week, usually spending a whole day with them. I was heavily involved in work, and I was still coming home and cooking with the Writer and spending evenings watching TV and playing board games or video games with him. We were even finding time to go on our own dates. I was really happy with how the things were, and I knew that I wanted more from my interests. Yes, the Writer wasn't perfectly happy with me spending times with friends, but he certainly wasn't in the state that he was in now. That was when I found out about polyamory, and it just seemed perfect. For some reason, I actually thought he'd be really accepting of it, because he had brought up early on in our relationship that he didn't think monogamy was natural.

Then, when I brought it up, all of his insecurities increased ten-fold, and I started to realize a lot of the dependency issues that I hadn't realized before. And that was when he started pressuring me to spend less time with friends (especially my interests), but he has also not been happy about my spending time with other friends, even platonic lady friends, that he knows well. This is when I became depressed, lonely, and needing company. I can't even make phone calls to friends at this point.

You're right, in your metaphor about dogs... I do need to figure out and stabilize that situation first, before I can move forward with polyamory. But I honestly do feel that polyamory is right for me. Not only because of how happy I was before I brought it up, but also because patterns in ALL of my previous relationships remind me that I've always wanted multiple romantic relationships, I just didn't know it was possible. Maybe things won't work out with the Writer, but I think it would be foolish to completely abandon this relationship because we've run into some issues (albeit very serious issues), when there's a chance that we could try to make it work. And I think we can... we just have to figure out how to get back to the balance we had before, and try to sort through our relationship needs.

I guess that was the point in posting here in the first place... I was hoping I could get advice on how to sort through this difficult time, if anyone had any experience in it.

 

[branches]

Maybe you'd want to slow down on the possibility of becoming more sexually intimate with these people, but I do think backing off from them entirely is a mistake, because of the message it sends. Which is that when someone else (like Writer) has a freak-out, you'll drop everything (including your friends) to make that better until...when, exactly? Is that a message that you want to send?

Thank you so much for your response! It's really helpful to hear about your story with Jon and how things worked for you while he was working on things with Lora. That's exactly the sort of thing I was hoping to find at this forum.

I think the biggest thing that I've taken away from this thread is that a time limit seems to be the right choice for figuring out how to deal with things. You (and a few others) are absolutely right in stating that giving him an indefinite of time to work figure things out is just showing him that I will drop everything in a crisis. And I don't want to drop everything in a crisis... I want us to behave like reasonable adults. I do think that is the right choice.

As for the interests, I've only discussed polyamory with Wolf, and he seemed interested and intrigued to learn more. Took it much better than I was expecting him to (I was a little trigger shy after telling Writer). I haven't talked to Explorer about it, because he's currently out of the country and I think that's a conversation best left for in person. He has a long distance relationship, and he has always told me that he is free to pursue other interests. Whether or not he considers himself polyamorous, I do not know, but we have definitely expressed mutual interest in one another. They all know about one another, Wolf and Explorer both know I live with Writer, but since I've been keeping to myself lately, I haven't had much opportunity to discuss how things are currently with him (none of us really like to have heavy conversations by text, we'd rather talk in person).

But even still, I'm not sure how much I really need to "slow down" sexually. It's not like I was ready to jump into bed with either of them. I may be a very physical person, and I get a lot out of things like embraces or back rubs, but I'm a slow burn when it comes to sex. Writer and I were dating six months before we ever had sex. At this point, I think I'd be happy with a kiss. But to know that I could work in that direction... that's all I really need at this point.

 

[kdt26417]

Maybe if you burn slow anyway, you could take things at your natural pace? Just a thought.

 

[branches]

Maybe if you burn slow anyway, you could take things at your natural pace? Just a thought.

That's what I'm thinking. But it seems to be hard for Writer to understand that it WILL be a slow, natural pace and not ALL SEX ALL THE TIME! immediately.

 

[kdt26417]

I guess some things he'll just have to learn by experience.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

I guess that was the point in posting here in the first place... I was hoping I could get advice on how to sort through this difficult time, if anyone had any experience in it.

Okay - in your shoes I'd be looking for ways to regain my sense of self and work my way out of depression. In particular, ways that wouldn't make the current situation worse.

So - I'm not sure what exactly it is that the Writer was unhappy about before you talked to him about poly? Maybe the key is there. Did he want to spend more during the day time with you? Did he want to take more trips with you? Go on more dates? Do more fun things with you? Did he want to hear about how important he is to you? Or have you work on projects with him?

Is whatever it is that he wants more of from you something you can do?

Is there a way that you can set up time with your friends (including your interests) in a way that lets you have time with them that doesn't totally freak the Writer out? Are you willing to do that? Maybe compromising on this stuff isn't something you're up for - which is a good thing to know about yourself.

If you are willing to compromise, would it help the Writer if you saw your friends during the day? Or just in evenings? Or if you saw them for shorter periods of time? Or if you spent a day with him once a week and saw your friends for dinner instead?

You've said that you wouldn't rush to have sex anyway and if it's the sex that is worrying the Writer, maybe doing nothing but showing the Writer that you can see friends without anything bad happening would help?

Other than finding ways to get myself feeling better, I would also be spending time figuring out my own boundaries and what I wanted.

It would be good if you knew what sort of poly relationship you think you are attracted to. And what sort of things are hard limits for you. I think it is really really good to know your own limits and what you want from life - partly because when you have a good sense of those things, they come more easily. I tend not to have friends or romantic partners who are dependent only on me and who seek to limit the time I spend with others because I'm just not attractive to people who need to be somebody's other half. My close friends and partner are all people with lots of friends, strong social skills and an ability to depend on themselves - and I think it is no accident that those are the people who are attracted to me.

Knowing those things about yourself should help you and Writer decide if you can compromise in the long term or if you are incompatible and will simply be unable to stay together without one of you being miserable. In the long term, will help you in finding compatible people.

IP

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I'm not sure Writer's the one with codependency issues. He strikes me more as needy and manipulative. branches, you're the one who's letting your needs be steam rolled just so Writer doesn't have to inconvenience himself by working on issues that he doesn't even admit are problems. He's basically addicted to your relationship, and you're enabling that. You're letting his personality issues control your behaviour to the extent that it's causing you severe depression.

First thing I would do is shut down his bullshit self-diagnosis of codependency. You're not an addict or mentally ill, and he's not enabling you to continue being so. You, on the other hand, are enabling him to keep being insecure and overly dependent on your relationship as an indicator of his self-worth.

Okay - in your shoes I'd be looking for ways to regain my sense of self and work my way out of depression. In particular, ways that wouldn't make the current situation worse.

ok what? Seems like you're projecting something you've experienced onto her situation. Her depression is situational because she's letting Writer steamroll all over her needs. She was fine living on her own, and she was coping well enough living with Writer. She coped by spending time with her close friends, which is about the most reasonable thing I've ever heard in my life.

branches, the solution to your depression is straightforward: tell Writer that you're going to see your friends whenever you want, you're going to take as much alone time as you need, and that if he wants to be with you, he'd better find a way to get ok with that. It's blunt and callous, but sometimes that's required to protect yourself from needy, manipulative people. Whatever feelings that triggers for him can be dealt with as they come up, but the reality is you have severe feelings of depression right now, and that needs to be dealt with first. He doesn't have to think his issues are a problem, he doesn't have to deal with them at all, but his avoidance doesn't give him the right to drag you down with him.

When you brought up polyamory, he turns to Google, but does he search anything about polyamory or how work on his jealousy? No, he goes and finds a list of symptoms, starts self-diagnosing and bringing up all these issues that apparently didn't bother him before, but are suddenly and conveniently preventing him from dealing with your revelation.

Writer is the problem, like 100%. He's not only holding you back from future happiness, but he's actually dragging you down from happiness you previously enjoyed.

The fact is, these aren't problems that "Writer and I" can work on. They're his problems. Only he can work on them, but first he has to acknowledge they're a problem, second he has to want to fix them, third he has to get professional support to do so. If he's going to deal with them, you'll have to force his hand, and you can only do that by putting him in the exact situation he's so uncomfortable with.

You can love him and support him, but you can't do his work for him. And the more you acquiesce to his needy behaviour, the more he's going to expect it.

I'm all for loving and supporting people through difficult situations, but you have to take care of yourself first. No one else is going to. In fact, to be any good to him, you have to be in a good place yourself. You, unlike Writer, at least know what things you can do to make yourself happy: spend time with your close friends. If he doesn't like it, tough. Nobody but nobody has the right to stop their partners from seeing their friends.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

ok what? Seems like you're projecting something you've experienced onto her situation.

I'm talking about what I would do if I was experiencing something similar - situational depression because of a change in life and the reaction of a loved one to that change is something that I've dealt with. So I'm talking about what helped me.

I wanted to be clear that when I was talking it was very much from my own viewpoint because I wanted to avoid claiming some kind of authority about what to do in those sorts of situations. I have none. I only have what worked for me so I thought I would share it and make clear what I was sharing.

 

[branches]

Update

It's been a few days, and I wanted to update on the situation, since I've gotten such incredibly good advice here, from so many different perspectives. It's really helped me to feel empowered and to become more sure of what I wanted/needed to do to move forward.

A few days ago, Writer and I had a blowout. A big one. I had asked him, the night before, to tell me something that he loved about himself, and he couldn't come up with anything. I told him I would give him twenty-four hours and ask again. So, the next day, when I asked, he still had nothing for me. And I just wasn't going to settle for that sort of behavior anymore. We had a pretty huge fight, which concluded with him slamming the door to the bedroom, and I slept in the office that night. It's the first time we've ever gone to bed angry (and seperately) in our relationship.

But, I think it was a good thing. He was crying a bit in the bedroom, and I texted him to say that I was sorry, but I couldn't go into the room to comfort him, because that would be me forgiving his inability to actively work on an issue, and allowing him to be complacent. I told him that I needed him to face the issues on hand, on his own.

The next day, after some time to ourselves, we reconvened to have a talk about the situation. I was very clear that I wasn't okay with him finding reasons to put off dealing with problems, and he expressed that he thought I was obsessing over issues and refusing to enjoy the happy times we have together (which is bunk, because we'd pretty much spent several days watching TV and playing video or board games together, prior to me bringing up the issues again).

We decided on setting aside some time once a week to talk about our relationship. I proposed that we each bring forth a compliment, a question, and a suggestion/request to talk about (this was something I used to do in writing workshops back in high school, and I think it will allow us to have a well-rounded conversation, without it feeling like one of us is attacking the other).

We also decided to start by writing each other letters. His is to explain to me how he feels about his 'neediness' and desires/limits for our relationship, and mine is to tell him about why I feel polyamory is an important choice, and what my hopes for the future of our relationship are (he actually gave me a few questions to answer, such as how often I'd like to see my other interests, how fast we will move towards sex, and what it will mean for our sexual relationship if/when I get to sex with other people).

The other night, Wolf asked me out for drinks with some of our mutual friends. I politely declined and stayed in to make dinner and to watch a movie with Writer. Partly because I wanted to show the Writer that I don't always jump to spending time with other interests first, but also because I genuinely just wanted to stay home and enjoy not being out in the cold. Last night, I took Writer to a friend's house to play board games, and tonight I invited him out to a party being thrown by a co-worker.

I made plans for tomorrow to see Wolf for a snowball fight in the park. I made plans, without asking for permission, and I'm feeling really positive about it. I might even stay over Wolf's house, if the snow gets too crazy. I think that's a perfectly acceptable reason to stay, and I'm not going to feel bad about it if I do.

I'm hoping that Writer can see that, over this past week, we've spent six days together. And we haven't just "co-existed" in the apartment, but we've gone out together, and we've chosen to stay home together, and that only one day out of the seven in a week I am setting aside for my own needs, my own friends, and my own interests.

We still have a long way to go, but all in all, I'm feeling pretty confident compared to last week, when I first made this post. And I have a all of you to thank for your incredible input. It's comforted me and scared the crap out of me, made me feel strong, and made me feel weak, and it's all been so very needed. Thank you so much, for everything.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

This is great news. So glad you see a way forward.

I've been very glad of this forum at times. Especially in the first few years of seeing my partner. He was keen to have a poly relationship and I wasn't so much. Interested but not sure. Being able to read about the wide variety of approaches that there are here gave me the language I needed to have the conversations we needed to have.

 

[IndieSolo]

. . . all of his insecurities increased ten-fold, and I started to realize a lot of the dependency issues that I hadn't realized before. And that was when he started pressuring me to spend less time with friends (especially my interests), but he has also not been happy about my spending time with other friends, even platonic lady friends, that he knows well. This is when I became depressed, lonely, and needing company. I can't even make phone calls to friends at this point.

That's ridiculous. Yes, you can. Just because he doesn't like it and gets all moody and whiny doesn't mean he's the boss of you. Fuck that. You're not his prisoner. You want to call a friend, call your friend.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad you have decided to live your own healthy life, doing your own healthy stuff, and not putting that off any more.

I texted him to say that I was sorry, but I couldn't go into the room to comfort him, because that would be me forgiving his inability to actively work on an issue, and allowing him to be complacent. I told him that I needed him to face the issues on hand, on his own.

I am glad you are holding Writer accountable to agreements to work on issues and not avoid them by running away, shutting down, or blowing fog at you so you drop the topic and give up from frustration.

We decided on setting aside some time once a week to talk about our relationship. I proposed that we each bring forth a compliment, a question, and a suggestion/request to talk about (this was something I used to do in writing workshops back in high school, and I think it will allow us to have a well-rounded conversation, without it feeling like one of us is attacking the other).

Your plan sounds reasonable to start. Be prepared to seek a couples counselor at some point if needed.

Basically he either plays ball or not.

Good for you!

Galagirl