GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
Congrats to Rider!!!
Sounds like things are off to a great start for you guys
Sounds like things are off to a great start for you guys
The Best Life Yet
- Thread starter Reverie
- Start date
Reverie
Active member
GFT's post got my wheels spinning thinking about the idea of "face" in poly relationships. I was thinking about how it irked me to lose face over something that actually wasn't true, but how if I lose face in a situation that IS true, I think of it as a "suck it up and deal" situation.
Real life example (also mentioned on GFT's blog):
When Rider and Kelly were dating, and she was very lonely in her situation, he used to say that he "wished he were going to be there with her that weekend," etc., when she expressed similar sentiments first, when in reality I knew he had super fun things planned with me or with me + others that he would never want to miss.
His telling her that boosted her opinion of her connection to him and of her own face with him, while devaluing mine, since I was the person with whom he actually had plans at the time.
IF it had actually been true...say, he had expressed to me that he would have wanted to go see her that weekend, but something (work, some boring event he had to do with me like a relative's wedding, etc.) had gotten in the way...or if he had been so long without seeing her and he really wasn't looking forward in the same way to spending a lazy weekend at home with me (which he claims was never the case; he saw her when he wanted to, and when he didn't, it was because he'd rather see me), I might not have been happy about it, but I wouldn't have felt irked in quite the same way as I did when I knew he was looking forward to having fun with me but was lying about it to her that he'd rather be with her.
It was the cashing in of my face—my social prestige between the three of us—for a LIE that got to me. It is one thing to face a slight tarnishing due to the constraints of reality or the bonds of necessity. It is an entirely different thing to be thrown under the bus to keep up the appearances of a lie. When he says to me "I can't wait to see you tonight and I'm so happy we get some QT together," but in the next breath says to her "I wish I were there with you too," one of them is a lie, or, at the very least, not the whole story.
I, myself, have spoken here of wishing I could be in two places at once. To keep the truth, it could be as simple as expressing that to your lovers. "I miss you, and I am really looking forward to my evening with X; I wish I could be two places at once." I have said that very thing to more than one lover. It is crediting the connection without it being at the expense of the other partner. It is saving everyone's face, so long as everyone is OK with sharing. It doesn't have to be either/or. Isn't that part of the idea of poly?
OK, enough waxing philosophical for me. I have to get up early.
Yay, Rider. Yay, job. Yay, getting there step by step. I am so thankful for this blog as a place to process random ideas that the world drops in my lap. <3
Real life example (also mentioned on GFT's blog):
When Rider and Kelly were dating, and she was very lonely in her situation, he used to say that he "wished he were going to be there with her that weekend," etc., when she expressed similar sentiments first, when in reality I knew he had super fun things planned with me or with me + others that he would never want to miss.
His telling her that boosted her opinion of her connection to him and of her own face with him, while devaluing mine, since I was the person with whom he actually had plans at the time.
IF it had actually been true...say, he had expressed to me that he would have wanted to go see her that weekend, but something (work, some boring event he had to do with me like a relative's wedding, etc.) had gotten in the way...or if he had been so long without seeing her and he really wasn't looking forward in the same way to spending a lazy weekend at home with me (which he claims was never the case; he saw her when he wanted to, and when he didn't, it was because he'd rather see me), I might not have been happy about it, but I wouldn't have felt irked in quite the same way as I did when I knew he was looking forward to having fun with me but was lying about it to her that he'd rather be with her.
It was the cashing in of my face—my social prestige between the three of us—for a LIE that got to me. It is one thing to face a slight tarnishing due to the constraints of reality or the bonds of necessity. It is an entirely different thing to be thrown under the bus to keep up the appearances of a lie. When he says to me "I can't wait to see you tonight and I'm so happy we get some QT together," but in the next breath says to her "I wish I were there with you too," one of them is a lie, or, at the very least, not the whole story.
I, myself, have spoken here of wishing I could be in two places at once. To keep the truth, it could be as simple as expressing that to your lovers. "I miss you, and I am really looking forward to my evening with X; I wish I could be two places at once." I have said that very thing to more than one lover. It is crediting the connection without it being at the expense of the other partner. It is saving everyone's face, so long as everyone is OK with sharing. It doesn't have to be either/or. Isn't that part of the idea of poly?
OK, enough waxing philosophical for me. I have to get up early.
Yay, Rider. Yay, job. Yay, getting there step by step. I am so thankful for this blog as a place to process random ideas that the world drops in my lap. <3
AutumnLeaves
New member
Congratulations to Rider!
starlight1
Active member
Congrats to both of you! YAY Rider and the job! You guys have an exciting start to 2016!!
Reverie
Active member
I am still alive, just very, very busy lately. I had only four days home between business trips. I am on the second one now, in Chicago. I'd never been here before, so it is interesting. My work duties here finish tomorrow afternoon, and Rider is flying out to join me tomorrow evening. We'll be staying at a friend's house tomorrow and Saturday nights.
I went out with that friend and her husband last night and had a total blast. She is so much fun! We're going to have a good time this weekend.
Tonight I am going to have dinner with Aurora. It will be good to see her. I leave in just a little while.
I had a fun IM chat with Elise last night, in which I had spoken about maybe pitching in to fly her out once Rider and I get things settled financially.
I was following the "hitting one's metamour" thread over on Kimchi Cuddles, but it looks like she has decided to take those posts down. Someone had mentioned that the metamour had a blog but didn't link to it, and I would have liked to read the other side of the story. From Kimchi's perspective, it seemed like the (naturally monogamous) metamour was trying to "cowgirl" her husband away, but I have no idea what the other woman's perspective was.
I've been mad as heck at metamours before, but I don't think I would ever actually HIT somebody. I did get very poke-chest-with-finger-y with Rider one time when we were processing Kelly things a while back—and it scared me that my anger was manifesting itself even as mildly physically as that, so I did a lot of exploring that side of myself to see what was up.
The Kimchi character, based on the artist herself, actually reminds me a lot of myself in both strengths and weaknesses: very whimsical and naturally poly but prone to struggling very hard in particular situations and with the fault of a tendency to be naturally a little cavalier or insensitive about other people's struggles when it is something that seems easy to me. It's something that I have been working on.
Once I get home from Chicago, I get to be home for EIGHT WHOLE DAYS before the next business trip.
During that stretch of eight days, we are having a houseguest who has been a long-distance crush of Rider for a long time. Our house kind of isn't fully set up yet, so it's not a perfect situation, but he's so excited about seeing her that I can't be very disgruntled about it. Anyway, I only ever got to speak to her for a few minutes one time, so I'd like to get to know her better.
Rider and I, now that we are moved, are starting to have preliminary wedding-planning talks. Whether to elope or invite people, etc. We need to start working on a saving budget, which will give us an idea about setting a date. Probably some time next year.
Rider is still working out the details of his new job. The woman who interviewed him initially quoted him a salary that today she told him that she couldn't get approved, so it might have to be a little lower than he first thought. But it will still be a LOT higher than his last job, for sure! And he got approved to work in the office location closer to our place, so he will be able to take transit rather than drive and park. This means we can continue to share my car—less expense on that all around. I hope the new number they come up with is close to the last one. Sounds like the lady who hired him is going to bat for him. We're hoping the difference will be $5k or less. We'll see!
OK, off to dinner with Aurora!
I went out with that friend and her husband last night and had a total blast. She is so much fun! We're going to have a good time this weekend.
Tonight I am going to have dinner with Aurora. It will be good to see her. I leave in just a little while.
I had a fun IM chat with Elise last night, in which I had spoken about maybe pitching in to fly her out once Rider and I get things settled financially.
I was following the "hitting one's metamour" thread over on Kimchi Cuddles, but it looks like she has decided to take those posts down. Someone had mentioned that the metamour had a blog but didn't link to it, and I would have liked to read the other side of the story. From Kimchi's perspective, it seemed like the (naturally monogamous) metamour was trying to "cowgirl" her husband away, but I have no idea what the other woman's perspective was.
I've been mad as heck at metamours before, but I don't think I would ever actually HIT somebody. I did get very poke-chest-with-finger-y with Rider one time when we were processing Kelly things a while back—and it scared me that my anger was manifesting itself even as mildly physically as that, so I did a lot of exploring that side of myself to see what was up.
The Kimchi character, based on the artist herself, actually reminds me a lot of myself in both strengths and weaknesses: very whimsical and naturally poly but prone to struggling very hard in particular situations and with the fault of a tendency to be naturally a little cavalier or insensitive about other people's struggles when it is something that seems easy to me. It's something that I have been working on.
Once I get home from Chicago, I get to be home for EIGHT WHOLE DAYS before the next business trip.
During that stretch of eight days, we are having a houseguest who has been a long-distance crush of Rider for a long time. Our house kind of isn't fully set up yet, so it's not a perfect situation, but he's so excited about seeing her that I can't be very disgruntled about it. Anyway, I only ever got to speak to her for a few minutes one time, so I'd like to get to know her better.
Rider and I, now that we are moved, are starting to have preliminary wedding-planning talks. Whether to elope or invite people, etc. We need to start working on a saving budget, which will give us an idea about setting a date. Probably some time next year.
Rider is still working out the details of his new job. The woman who interviewed him initially quoted him a salary that today she told him that she couldn't get approved, so it might have to be a little lower than he first thought. But it will still be a LOT higher than his last job, for sure! And he got approved to work in the office location closer to our place, so he will be able to take transit rather than drive and park. This means we can continue to share my car—less expense on that all around. I hope the new number they come up with is close to the last one. Sounds like the lady who hired him is going to bat for him. We're hoping the difference will be $5k or less. We'll see!
OK, off to dinner with Aurora!
Reverie
Active member
OMG, Aurora blew my mind tonight. She told me she's "obsessed" with me, and we made out topless, and she made plans to meet me in my next business trip city, a short train ride away. She wants me to dominate her, which I am now used to because of Rider, and she expressed interest in playing with both of us, with me directing while Rider does things to her. We fantasized out loud about all the things we would do. Eeeeeeeee! I need to sleep. Ugh, gotta be up so early. #worthit
Reverie
Active member
Rider and I got back from Chicago last night. We stayed with friends, a married (and to my knowledge, mono) couple. We also got to see Aurora for a bit when she came out to brunch with all of us.
I have a giant crush on the husband in the married couple, but I would never let a peep of it escape to anyone other than Rider. I really adore both the husband and the wife, and I have no desire to stir up any insecurity anywhere. It's fun to fantasize, though. Unrequited and unexpressed crushes can be pretty yummy, like a sneaky little secret that I have all to myself. (Well, of course I did tell Rider, because I tell him everything, but I'm not telling anyone else.)
Rider's crush, Lily, arrives in a couple of days. I asked him what his intentions so far were with her, just so I'd have an idea, and he said "tacos, watching wrestling, and footrubs...of course, I'd be open to more if given the opportunity, but I don't know what her current situation is like."
She's pretty hot, so I'd possibly be down if something came up. I'm feeling a little "socialed out" though.
Work and all of this travel has been kicking my ass. I've also been full of Monistat for the past 7 days (Saturday night was my last application), and all of this travel and eating out is making me so chubby that I think I might feel weird about playing with someone new. I am looking forward to getting back from my last trip next week and just kind of holing up and getting settled again—getting the last bits of the apartment into place, and getting into a good routine with cooking healthy food and exercising. I have had enough of the chaos!
I have a giant crush on the husband in the married couple, but I would never let a peep of it escape to anyone other than Rider. I really adore both the husband and the wife, and I have no desire to stir up any insecurity anywhere. It's fun to fantasize, though. Unrequited and unexpressed crushes can be pretty yummy, like a sneaky little secret that I have all to myself. (Well, of course I did tell Rider, because I tell him everything, but I'm not telling anyone else.)
Rider's crush, Lily, arrives in a couple of days. I asked him what his intentions so far were with her, just so I'd have an idea, and he said "tacos, watching wrestling, and footrubs...of course, I'd be open to more if given the opportunity, but I don't know what her current situation is like."
She's pretty hot, so I'd possibly be down if something came up. I'm feeling a little "socialed out" though.
Work and all of this travel has been kicking my ass. I've also been full of Monistat for the past 7 days (Saturday night was my last application), and all of this travel and eating out is making me so chubby that I think I might feel weird about playing with someone new. I am looking forward to getting back from my last trip next week and just kind of holing up and getting settled again—getting the last bits of the apartment into place, and getting into a good routine with cooking healthy food and exercising. I have had enough of the chaos!
Reverie
Active member
I am starting to be able to see the slightest glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel of chaos. I can see how, eventually, my life will actually be organized again! I got some bunnyproofing done to my room last night, and Rider put my desk together while I was at work yesterday. I'm getting all my lists populated of the various things we still need to do and buy in order to be settled, so I can get to the point of just checking things off instead of whirling around in a frenzy trying to do the next thing in front of my face.
Reverie
Active member
I am organizing my work files and doing a deep cleaning of my hard drive, and I came across a folder of phone wallpapers I had downloaded when I was really upset with Rider and wanted to change my phone's lock screen to something more neutral than a picture of him since looking at him made me sad. The files were dated almost a year ago.
It took me back in an instant to the whole superbowl debacle last year, and the following tumult. How hurt I had been by Claire's rejection. How Rider had been suspicious that I was trying to manipulate him into "her or me" instead of understanding that I needed to set boundaries and do what was right for me and be in a situation that was right for me, even if that situation meant walking away.
I am so, so, so glad that things have calmed down since then!
It took me back in an instant to the whole superbowl debacle last year, and the following tumult. How hurt I had been by Claire's rejection. How Rider had been suspicious that I was trying to manipulate him into "her or me" instead of understanding that I needed to set boundaries and do what was right for me and be in a situation that was right for me, even if that situation meant walking away.
I am so, so, so glad that things have calmed down since then!
Reverie
Active member
Last night with Lily went slightly differently than expected, but it was still good. It didn't feel like it was going to start off that way, though.
My commute was long, and I was hangry, and by the time I got home, I saw my boss had emailed me several times asking me to put out a fire related to a small but thoughtless mistake I'd made. It was an easy fix, and he didn't seem stressed out about it, but then he had a handful of other changes that he'd noticed he wanted made immediately on top of that (that were unrelated to my mistake).
Lily had wanted to meet us at a restaurant, and if Rider waited for me, he'd have been late, so I sent him ahead. The work took me long enough to finish that by the time I got there, they'd finished eating, and I felt terrible for holding them up, so I ordered my food to go.
Lily had forgotten she'd met me before (at the same party where I'd also met Beckett), as she had been drunk at the time, and so that whole "oh, but we've met before" exchange made things feel awkward. I should have kept my mouth shut about it, probably. I am never sure what the proper etiquette is in those situations: be polite and not mention the forgetting? But then what if it comes up later and then there might be equal weirdness about the not mentioning it? Sometimes I'm not so good with intuiting social things.
Things quickly improved on our walk home, though. We were all getting along well, chatting and agreeing on things. When we got back to the apartment, Lily and Rider watched their wrestling show with great delight, while I used the opportunity to sit with them and get some extra work done on my laptop. Wrestling really isn't my thing, but I like the company, and I will occasionally glance at the screen and ask a question or make a comment on what I see.
Some time into the show, I noticed that Rider hadn't asked Lily to rub her feet yet, and I knew that he wanted to, so I figured I'd break the ice by asking him to rub mine so that he could ask if she wanted in on it. She did, and I had a little internal giggle at having greased the wheels for him. Wingwoman FTW!
After Rider did a quick rub on me and then rubbed Lily for quite a while (as I continued my work), Lily talked of wanting a snack. I tried to get something delivered but we were just outside of the delivery range of the thing she wanted, so I offered to set off on foot to a nearby place with similar food but that didn't deliver. I didn't mind the walk at all, and I figured it would give them a few minutes alone in case they wanted it. Rider told me later that after I left, she had told him that he could continue to rub her feet as long as he wanted, so he did.
When Lily learned what time we generally wake up in the morning, she suddenly wasn't so keen on staying over. She said she had another friend who'd offered to let her crash whose situation would allow her to sleep later, since she is a light sleeper. So when I got tired and went to bed (leaving the two of them to do what they pleased), Lily apparently left right after that, and then Rider came to bed.
I thought Rider would be more disappointed about that, but he didn't seem to be. He just seemed thrilled that he'd gotten to rub her feet. His foot fetish is so cute; he really gets a kick out of it, and I just think it's adorable that he can get a sexual thrill from something that seems so non-sexual and innocuous to me. As for my own part in the interaction, I got a pretty straight vibe off of Lily. She seems fun, kinda dorky, and pretty down to earth, and I like her and think she's pretty aesthetically pleasing, but I wasn't feeling any sort of sexual chemistry between us.
I couldn't really read what was happening between her and Rider, either. I know he's had a long-distance crush on her for just about forever, after meeting her at a fetish party, but I don't think they'd ever hung out before. He says he thinks she has a boyfriend, but that she's poly. She seemed to be not really flirtatious with him, at least not in front of me, but then she did encourage him to keep touching her when I went on the snack run, and she left her legs lying across him for most of the evening, so...I dunno. Either way, she lives in literally the opposite corner of the country from us, so it's not likely to turn into anything.
She will be in town for a few more days, though, and I think tomorrow she and Rider are going to run around doing happy hour things before I come home. I'm coming home earlier than usual because tomorrow is the day of the hip-hop show that I bought Rider tickets for as his Christmas present.
And Saturday we will get to rest, at least a little! Although not all day as I had originally hoped. My brakes have started squeaking, so we're taking the car in to the shop that morning. (And we JUST got those fixed on the first leg of our cross-country journey, so I am hoping whatever is up with them falls under the warranty.) Once the car stuff is dealt with, though, I am going to be super lazy!
My commute was long, and I was hangry, and by the time I got home, I saw my boss had emailed me several times asking me to put out a fire related to a small but thoughtless mistake I'd made. It was an easy fix, and he didn't seem stressed out about it, but then he had a handful of other changes that he'd noticed he wanted made immediately on top of that (that were unrelated to my mistake).
Lily had wanted to meet us at a restaurant, and if Rider waited for me, he'd have been late, so I sent him ahead. The work took me long enough to finish that by the time I got there, they'd finished eating, and I felt terrible for holding them up, so I ordered my food to go.
Lily had forgotten she'd met me before (at the same party where I'd also met Beckett), as she had been drunk at the time, and so that whole "oh, but we've met before" exchange made things feel awkward. I should have kept my mouth shut about it, probably. I am never sure what the proper etiquette is in those situations: be polite and not mention the forgetting? But then what if it comes up later and then there might be equal weirdness about the not mentioning it? Sometimes I'm not so good with intuiting social things.
Things quickly improved on our walk home, though. We were all getting along well, chatting and agreeing on things. When we got back to the apartment, Lily and Rider watched their wrestling show with great delight, while I used the opportunity to sit with them and get some extra work done on my laptop. Wrestling really isn't my thing, but I like the company, and I will occasionally glance at the screen and ask a question or make a comment on what I see.
Some time into the show, I noticed that Rider hadn't asked Lily to rub her feet yet, and I knew that he wanted to, so I figured I'd break the ice by asking him to rub mine so that he could ask if she wanted in on it. She did, and I had a little internal giggle at having greased the wheels for him. Wingwoman FTW!
After Rider did a quick rub on me and then rubbed Lily for quite a while (as I continued my work), Lily talked of wanting a snack. I tried to get something delivered but we were just outside of the delivery range of the thing she wanted, so I offered to set off on foot to a nearby place with similar food but that didn't deliver. I didn't mind the walk at all, and I figured it would give them a few minutes alone in case they wanted it. Rider told me later that after I left, she had told him that he could continue to rub her feet as long as he wanted, so he did.
When Lily learned what time we generally wake up in the morning, she suddenly wasn't so keen on staying over. She said she had another friend who'd offered to let her crash whose situation would allow her to sleep later, since she is a light sleeper. So when I got tired and went to bed (leaving the two of them to do what they pleased), Lily apparently left right after that, and then Rider came to bed.
I thought Rider would be more disappointed about that, but he didn't seem to be. He just seemed thrilled that he'd gotten to rub her feet. His foot fetish is so cute; he really gets a kick out of it, and I just think it's adorable that he can get a sexual thrill from something that seems so non-sexual and innocuous to me. As for my own part in the interaction, I got a pretty straight vibe off of Lily. She seems fun, kinda dorky, and pretty down to earth, and I like her and think she's pretty aesthetically pleasing, but I wasn't feeling any sort of sexual chemistry between us.
I couldn't really read what was happening between her and Rider, either. I know he's had a long-distance crush on her for just about forever, after meeting her at a fetish party, but I don't think they'd ever hung out before. He says he thinks she has a boyfriend, but that she's poly. She seemed to be not really flirtatious with him, at least not in front of me, but then she did encourage him to keep touching her when I went on the snack run, and she left her legs lying across him for most of the evening, so...I dunno. Either way, she lives in literally the opposite corner of the country from us, so it's not likely to turn into anything.
She will be in town for a few more days, though, and I think tomorrow she and Rider are going to run around doing happy hour things before I come home. I'm coming home earlier than usual because tomorrow is the day of the hip-hop show that I bought Rider tickets for as his Christmas present.
And Saturday we will get to rest, at least a little! Although not all day as I had originally hoped. My brakes have started squeaking, so we're taking the car in to the shop that morning. (And we JUST got those fixed on the first leg of our cross-country journey, so I am hoping whatever is up with them falls under the warranty.) Once the car stuff is dealt with, though, I am going to be super lazy!
Lily had forgotten she'd met me before (at the same party where I'd also met Beckett), as she had been drunk at the time, and so that whole "oh, but we've met before" exchange made things feel awkward. I should have kept my mouth shut about it, probably. I am never sure what the proper etiquette is in those situations: be polite and not mention the forgetting? But then what if it comes up later and then there might be equal weirdness about the not mentioning it? Sometimes I'm not so good with intuiting social things.
Hahaha, totally understand. At my wedding, when I finally got to talk with Tech and his wife, she said, "it's so lovely to meet you, I've heard so much about you." Now, a couple of years before, when I first met her, the three off us had been out drinking for a night in Wellington and her and I spent most of that yabbering to each other lol. I just looked at Tech with a slight "wtf?" expression and he smiled, rolled his eyes and gently shook his head, so I figured he'd take care of it later lol. She's remembered who I am when I've seen her since then hehe.
Reverie
Active member
I forget who people are ALL THE TIME and usually just kind of shrug and apologize and say that I'm terrible with remembering people, or that I have a bad memory, and so I never feel like it's a bad thing if/when other people do it to me. I might have forgotten who she was, too, if Rider hadn't made such a big deal of her that night. I think in the future I will take the silent road when someone does it to me and, as you said, let the mutual friend do the explaining later!
Reverie
Active member
As you may have noticed, I haven't had a whole lot of time to write lately. I am currently on my last of three consecutive business trips—the last for a while, thank fuck. It is only now, on the last day of my last trip, that it is becoming real to me that I will just have a normal life for a while. (Well, as soon as I get over this cold I seem to have come down with yesterday.) I have been in tumult pretty much since mid-December. There is just this last, terrible 19-hour work day and then I actually get to relax for the weekend.
Things on the love-life front have been good. I couldn't be happier with Rider. He started his new job last week and said it is going to be challenging but he's kind of excited to take on a challenge after years of work that he has excelled at to the point of it being boring. I am super excited to get back into the swing of our normal, spicy sex life, as well. All of this chaos and travel has made me so tired and lazy that a lot of nights I just want to do nothing at all, not even have sex. He's super sweet and understanding though. He brings me flowers and wine and chocolate when I am burnt out and too tired for anything but lying on the couch, cuddling and binge-watching Orange Is the New Black.
I actually got to see Aurora on Tuesday. She took a bus to the city I am in and spent the night with me in my hotel room. We had a good time wandering around the town and had some delicious sex at the end of the night.
When I woke up the next morning with a cold, with her having sneaked out while I was asleep to get back on the bus, I felt guilty that maybe I might have gotten her sick. But I didn't know that I was getting sick, so I guess it isn't really my fault but just poor timing.
I'm supposed to start a new extra project for work on Monday that is outside of my regular hours, so I am trying not to get panicky when I think about that and all the moving-related tasks that I have had to put off till my conferences were over (DMV, setting up my new health insurance, etc.). I need to work out a plan for getting into a good routine of exercising, cooking, doing my extra work, and still having time for Rider and music. Adulting is hard.
I was supposed to start making time to meet my new OKC people when I got back, but I may have to see them at very spaced out intervals if I get involved with new people. Like once a month. I'll have to make it clear to them that I only have space in my life, schedule-wise, for something casual. Like, not necessarily emotionally casual if we end up really liking each other, but time-casual. There is never enough time.
Maybe it will get easier once my job moves to the new office in a few months. It's closer to my house and will likely cut my commute down from 40–60 minutes each way to more like 20–30. That's like getting an hour of my life back every day! What really blows my mind is when I think about how some people do all of this AND also have kids. That seems almost superhuman to me.
It was nice getting my first bigger paycheck, though. It's just slightly larger than my old paycheck was, but the taxes were already taken out, so no more owing the government at the end of each year. I've reached a financial nadir, but I will keep on plugging away at my debts with this new, higher paycheck, and every month I will be closer to done with them.
Things on the love-life front have been good. I couldn't be happier with Rider. He started his new job last week and said it is going to be challenging but he's kind of excited to take on a challenge after years of work that he has excelled at to the point of it being boring. I am super excited to get back into the swing of our normal, spicy sex life, as well. All of this chaos and travel has made me so tired and lazy that a lot of nights I just want to do nothing at all, not even have sex. He's super sweet and understanding though. He brings me flowers and wine and chocolate when I am burnt out and too tired for anything but lying on the couch, cuddling and binge-watching Orange Is the New Black.
I actually got to see Aurora on Tuesday. She took a bus to the city I am in and spent the night with me in my hotel room. We had a good time wandering around the town and had some delicious sex at the end of the night.
When I woke up the next morning with a cold, with her having sneaked out while I was asleep to get back on the bus, I felt guilty that maybe I might have gotten her sick. But I didn't know that I was getting sick, so I guess it isn't really my fault but just poor timing.
I'm supposed to start a new extra project for work on Monday that is outside of my regular hours, so I am trying not to get panicky when I think about that and all the moving-related tasks that I have had to put off till my conferences were over (DMV, setting up my new health insurance, etc.). I need to work out a plan for getting into a good routine of exercising, cooking, doing my extra work, and still having time for Rider and music. Adulting is hard.
I was supposed to start making time to meet my new OKC people when I got back, but I may have to see them at very spaced out intervals if I get involved with new people. Like once a month. I'll have to make it clear to them that I only have space in my life, schedule-wise, for something casual. Like, not necessarily emotionally casual if we end up really liking each other, but time-casual. There is never enough time.
Maybe it will get easier once my job moves to the new office in a few months. It's closer to my house and will likely cut my commute down from 40–60 minutes each way to more like 20–30. That's like getting an hour of my life back every day! What really blows my mind is when I think about how some people do all of this AND also have kids. That seems almost superhuman to me.
It was nice getting my first bigger paycheck, though. It's just slightly larger than my old paycheck was, but the taxes were already taken out, so no more owing the government at the end of each year. I've reached a financial nadir, but I will keep on plugging away at my debts with this new, higher paycheck, and every month I will be closer to done with them.
Reverie
Active member
Ugh, just accidentally closed the window and lost my post.
Anyway, on Saturday, I got back from being stuck away from home due to weather. Rider and I had a quiet night it. It was so good to see him after being gone for days and days. Sunday we got together with a few of his friends to watch the Superbowl. There were five of us in total. I had a lot of fun!
Yesterday and today, I get to work from home because all my bosses are out of town and there is no one in the office. The lack of commute has let me spend some time organizing my budget and beginning to think about wedding planning.
We are still on the fence as to whether to actually have a wedding or elope. I've been married once before, so it's not a huge deal to me to do the "real" wedding thing, as I have done it before. But Rider never has, so I'm ultimately leaving the decision up to him. I did put some numbers together to see how cheaply we could do it if we did decide to, and how much we'd have to save per month. We're looking at next spring as our date window. Probably some point from March to May.
Complicating matters are my large immediate family and Rider's having a LOT of very close friends who he would want to invite, so it'd be tough to get the number under 50 when partners are taken into account. That gets expensive really fast, especially when we just moved far away, so it seems only right to treat people to something nice if they come all this way, instead of just a picnic in the park or something. It's super tempting just to elope with a couple of witnesses.
We're going this weekend to scope the cheapest (but still meaningful) place I could uncover in my research. It's a hall in the ranger station of a nearby park. Rider has never been to the park before, but they have astronomy exhibits there, and he is really into space, and telescopes are meaningful to our relationship, with our second song ever titled "Telescope" and I got him one for the first birthday he had while we were together. I guess if we do decide to have a wedding, it'll be space themed. Also fitting with his love of David Bowie.
I am just barely starting to get my life organized. The budget helped. Getting some more boxes packed and put away also helped, as did finally getting my email inbox down to one page again. I tend to feel frazzled more easily overall when there is chaos in my life.
Tax time is coming. Oona is going to give me $500 from her return to pay me back for my computer that she spilled beer on. Rider is using part of his to pitch in for half of my recent car repairs, since we are now sharing a car, and he said he is going to buy me a guitar as a "just because" gift. I can't share his because I am a lefty and he is not.
Speaking of music, we had one of Rider's friends over last night. She is a drummer who he was in a band with in Former City, but she moved here some years back, and Rider is super excited to be making music with her again. She brought a hand drum over, and Rider played his acoustic, and I alternately sang or played bass (while Rider sang). His friend said she liked my voice. That always surprises me because I don't think I am very good. But it made me happy. And I am even still getting over being sick, so I had a bit of a quaver going on. I'm glad she liked our songs.
I intend to start meeting OKC people soon, once I am fully recovered from all the disorder. Next weekend is Valentine's though. And the weekend after that is our anniversary weekend. And the weekend after that, I am supposed to drive down to see Moss one night. He lives about two hours away now. So I guess I'm squeezing the OKCers in on weekdays?
I was going to start running yesterday, but I was still coughing too much. I looked online and read something that suggested that running with a head cold is OK, but if it's mainly your chest that is the problem, it's better to wait till it clears up. So I'll see how I feel tomorrow, since I'm still coughing some today. I plotted out a course on Map My Run. It's not very long—less than two miles—but I am just starting back up, so there's a chance I won't even make it that far. It's a loop with a lot of zig-zagging, so if I run into trouble I can always shortcut back home.
And I have been making good on the whole "improve my diet" thing the past couple of days. More veggies, less cheese...getting a satiating amount of protein as a mostly vegetarian person (I do occasionally still eat fish, but I try not to do it more than once or twice per week) can be tough when I am also cutting out cheese. I end up depending a lot on eggs and, like, veggie burgers and canned beans. It would be nice to eventually go mostly vegan again and cut out the eggs and have cheese only occasionally, but I am taking things one small step at a time so as not to sabotage myself.
I'm also starting a new editorial project up at work that will take some more of my time. And I was introduced on Sunday to Duolingo for brushing up my Spanish, which I have been meaning to do. If we honeymoon in Europe as we have planned, we think we will visit both France and Spain. I would like to brush up on both; I took four years of French in 7th to 10th grade, and I took Spanish in college. I used to be decent at both, but now I really suck!
I'm supposed to see Oona tonight for a brief hangout. I've missed her since I've been away so much. It's really good to live in the same city as her again, that I can just hop in my car and go see her in the evening sometimes. Rider is going to hang out with a wrestling buddy. We're both adjusting to waking up early and being "regular adults" who get to bed by midnight, instead of sleeping till double digits and getting to bed by, oh, three-ish.
So, that is where I am at the moment. Getting organized, trying to get healthier, looking to the future at possible dating and possible wedding plans. Working, saving, learning languages, playing music. Nurturing old friendships and building new ones. I feel like I am looking up at a fun but challenging mountain hike, and I am only at the trailhead—adjusting all my gear, doing warm-up stretches, and checking my map to make sure I know where I'm headed. Real life starts now. And I am ready for it!
Anyway, on Saturday, I got back from being stuck away from home due to weather. Rider and I had a quiet night it. It was so good to see him after being gone for days and days. Sunday we got together with a few of his friends to watch the Superbowl. There were five of us in total. I had a lot of fun!
Yesterday and today, I get to work from home because all my bosses are out of town and there is no one in the office. The lack of commute has let me spend some time organizing my budget and beginning to think about wedding planning.
We are still on the fence as to whether to actually have a wedding or elope. I've been married once before, so it's not a huge deal to me to do the "real" wedding thing, as I have done it before. But Rider never has, so I'm ultimately leaving the decision up to him. I did put some numbers together to see how cheaply we could do it if we did decide to, and how much we'd have to save per month. We're looking at next spring as our date window. Probably some point from March to May.
Complicating matters are my large immediate family and Rider's having a LOT of very close friends who he would want to invite, so it'd be tough to get the number under 50 when partners are taken into account. That gets expensive really fast, especially when we just moved far away, so it seems only right to treat people to something nice if they come all this way, instead of just a picnic in the park or something. It's super tempting just to elope with a couple of witnesses.
We're going this weekend to scope the cheapest (but still meaningful) place I could uncover in my research. It's a hall in the ranger station of a nearby park. Rider has never been to the park before, but they have astronomy exhibits there, and he is really into space, and telescopes are meaningful to our relationship, with our second song ever titled "Telescope" and I got him one for the first birthday he had while we were together. I guess if we do decide to have a wedding, it'll be space themed. Also fitting with his love of David Bowie.
I am just barely starting to get my life organized. The budget helped. Getting some more boxes packed and put away also helped, as did finally getting my email inbox down to one page again. I tend to feel frazzled more easily overall when there is chaos in my life.
Tax time is coming. Oona is going to give me $500 from her return to pay me back for my computer that she spilled beer on. Rider is using part of his to pitch in for half of my recent car repairs, since we are now sharing a car, and he said he is going to buy me a guitar as a "just because" gift. I can't share his because I am a lefty and he is not.
Speaking of music, we had one of Rider's friends over last night. She is a drummer who he was in a band with in Former City, but she moved here some years back, and Rider is super excited to be making music with her again. She brought a hand drum over, and Rider played his acoustic, and I alternately sang or played bass (while Rider sang). His friend said she liked my voice. That always surprises me because I don't think I am very good.
But it made me happy. And I am even still getting over being sick, so I had a bit of a quaver going on. I'm glad she liked our songs. I intend to start meeting OKC people soon, once I am fully recovered from all the disorder. Next weekend is Valentine's though. And the weekend after that is our anniversary weekend. And the weekend after that, I am supposed to drive down to see Moss one night. He lives about two hours away now. So I guess I'm squeezing the OKCers in on weekdays?
I was going to start running yesterday, but I was still coughing too much. I looked online and read something that suggested that running with a head cold is OK, but if it's mainly your chest that is the problem, it's better to wait till it clears up. So I'll see how I feel tomorrow, since I'm still coughing some today. I plotted out a course on Map My Run. It's not very long—less than two miles—but I am just starting back up, so there's a chance I won't even make it that far. It's a loop with a lot of zig-zagging, so if I run into trouble I can always shortcut back home.
And I have been making good on the whole "improve my diet" thing the past couple of days. More veggies, less cheese...getting a satiating amount of protein as a mostly vegetarian person (I do occasionally still eat fish, but I try not to do it more than once or twice per week) can be tough when I am also cutting out cheese. I end up depending a lot on eggs and, like, veggie burgers and canned beans. It would be nice to eventually go mostly vegan again and cut out the eggs and have cheese only occasionally, but I am taking things one small step at a time so as not to sabotage myself.
I'm also starting a new editorial project up at work that will take some more of my time. And I was introduced on Sunday to Duolingo for brushing up my Spanish, which I have been meaning to do. If we honeymoon in Europe as we have planned, we think we will visit both France and Spain. I would like to brush up on both; I took four years of French in 7th to 10th grade, and I took Spanish in college. I used to be decent at both, but now I really suck!
I'm supposed to see Oona tonight for a brief hangout. I've missed her since I've been away so much. It's really good to live in the same city as her again, that I can just hop in my car and go see her in the evening sometimes. Rider is going to hang out with a wrestling buddy. We're both adjusting to waking up early and being "regular adults" who get to bed by midnight, instead of sleeping till double digits and getting to bed by, oh, three-ish.
So, that is where I am at the moment. Getting organized, trying to get healthier, looking to the future at possible dating and possible wedding plans. Working, saving, learning languages, playing music. Nurturing old friendships and building new ones. I feel like I am looking up at a fun but challenging mountain hike, and I am only at the trailhead—adjusting all my gear, doing warm-up stretches, and checking my map to make sure I know where I'm headed. Real life starts now. And I am ready for it!
Reverie
Active member
One more thing...while I was on the plane, I was reading an article that one of my friends had linked on Facebook about how the different Myers-Briggs types experience stress. It was so dead on! I'm going to put it here so that I can refer to it whenever I am starting to go into stress-overload mode.
INTJ – The Mastermind
What stresses out an INTJ:
–Being in an environment that doesn’t appreciate their skills, visions, or ideas.
– Not enough alone time. Too much extraverting.
– Too much noise or sensory input.
– Working with those they see as lazy, incompetent, or ignorant.
– Having to pay attention to too many details at once.
– Being in unfamiliar environments.
– Having their well-settled plans disrupted.
– Too much focus on the here-and-now.
– Not being able to use their intuition to envision the future.
When in a state of stress, the INTJ can feel an immense amount of pressure – as if everything is on the line. To an INTJ, this often means the ability to produce something significant is somehow stifled. They may find themselves overwhelmed, and thinking about ideas and options that don’t have a productive end. As stress increases, the INTJ can become argumentative and disagreeable. Social interaction becomes increasingly difficult; and they may become preoccupied with obsessive ideas and plans. They may start to spend a massive amount of time fighting horrible thoughts, and feelings of worthlessness. They will ruminate about their mistakes, inadequacies and weaknesses, and stop progress on a project for fear of failure. In a case of chronic stress, the INTJ may fall into the grip of their inferior function; extraverted sensing. When this happens, they may give into self-destructive indulgences, like over-eating, over-exercising, alcoholism, or buying lots of useless items. They may obsessively clean or re-organize files.
How to help an INTJ experiencing stress:
– Give them space, and time alone to process their thoughts and feelings.
– Reduce sensory stimulation like noise, TV, radio, or bright lights.
– Let them express their thoughts and feelings without judgment. Understand that they may be irrational.
– Don’t give them advice. This will only make them feel worse.
– Give them a break from responsibilities.
– Encourage them to get enough sleep at night.
– Help them lighten their schedule, or cancel unnecessary activities.
– After some time of solitude, encourage them to get a change of scenery by going outdoors.
INTJ – The Mastermind
What stresses out an INTJ:
–Being in an environment that doesn’t appreciate their skills, visions, or ideas.
– Not enough alone time. Too much extraverting.
– Too much noise or sensory input.
– Working with those they see as lazy, incompetent, or ignorant.
– Having to pay attention to too many details at once.
– Being in unfamiliar environments.
– Having their well-settled plans disrupted.
– Too much focus on the here-and-now.
– Not being able to use their intuition to envision the future.
When in a state of stress, the INTJ can feel an immense amount of pressure – as if everything is on the line. To an INTJ, this often means the ability to produce something significant is somehow stifled. They may find themselves overwhelmed, and thinking about ideas and options that don’t have a productive end. As stress increases, the INTJ can become argumentative and disagreeable. Social interaction becomes increasingly difficult; and they may become preoccupied with obsessive ideas and plans. They may start to spend a massive amount of time fighting horrible thoughts, and feelings of worthlessness. They will ruminate about their mistakes, inadequacies and weaknesses, and stop progress on a project for fear of failure. In a case of chronic stress, the INTJ may fall into the grip of their inferior function; extraverted sensing. When this happens, they may give into self-destructive indulgences, like over-eating, over-exercising, alcoholism, or buying lots of useless items. They may obsessively clean or re-organize files.
How to help an INTJ experiencing stress:
– Give them space, and time alone to process their thoughts and feelings.
– Reduce sensory stimulation like noise, TV, radio, or bright lights.
– Let them express their thoughts and feelings without judgment. Understand that they may be irrational.
– Don’t give them advice. This will only make them feel worse.
– Give them a break from responsibilities.
– Encourage them to get enough sleep at night.
– Help them lighten their schedule, or cancel unnecessary activities.
– After some time of solitude, encourage them to get a change of scenery by going outdoors.
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
That article is ... Spooky almost, it's so good!
I'm going to post mine on my blog here after I finish forwarding the link to everyone I know
I'm going to post mine on my blog here after I finish forwarding the link to everyone I know
Reverie
Active member
I ended up feeling better enough to actually go for a run yesterday. So, first one down! I immediately felt better about everything afterwards, and I intend to go again today, even if I have to go more slowly since I am a little sore.
Hanging out with Oona went well. We just lazed around playing with her new puppy and chatting. It was fun. Rider hung out at the house with a couple of friends watching wrestling.
I was way too crampy for sex yesterday, but so far I am not so bad off today, so maybe I will actually get to have some. The night before last I only ended up touching Rider because I didn't feel like getting touched myself, but I am really feeling the fact that it has been a couple of days for me now. I love that our sex life is so healthy that he will just masturbate for me if he wants to get off and I am not feeling well—and he's totally happy to do so! I never feel "pestered" by him, and a lot of times I truly get pleasure out of participating in what little way I can, even if it's just watching.
Tonight will be low-key: more running, some laundry, dinner, maybe get some extra work done and watch a show. Rider has promised me a foot rub and to re-paint my toenails. Painting my toenails is his "job" because he promised me at one point that if he painted them then he'd be responsible for either taking the paint off or repainting them, since I am too low-maintenance to bother with that sort of thing. He loves it.
Tomorrow, I think we're going to see my old friend's band play at a place not too far from where we live. This is a friend I've had since I was a teenager—very old school—and I haven't seen him yet since I've been back. It should be a good time!
Hanging out with Oona went well. We just lazed around playing with her new puppy and chatting. It was fun. Rider hung out at the house with a couple of friends watching wrestling.
I was way too crampy for sex yesterday, but so far I am not so bad off today, so maybe I will actually get to have some. The night before last I only ended up touching Rider because I didn't feel like getting touched myself, but I am really feeling the fact that it has been a couple of days for me now. I love that our sex life is so healthy that he will just masturbate for me if he wants to get off and I am not feeling well—and he's totally happy to do so! I never feel "pestered" by him, and a lot of times I truly get pleasure out of participating in what little way I can, even if it's just watching.
Tonight will be low-key: more running, some laundry, dinner, maybe get some extra work done and watch a show. Rider has promised me a foot rub and to re-paint my toenails. Painting my toenails is his "job" because he promised me at one point that if he painted them then he'd be responsible for either taking the paint off or repainting them, since I am too low-maintenance to bother with that sort of thing. He loves it.
Tomorrow, I think we're going to see my old friend's band play at a place not too far from where we live. This is a friend I've had since I was a teenager—very old school—and I haven't seen him yet since I've been back. It should be a good time!
Reverie
Active member
Let the poly scheduling madness begin...
I didn't want to keep my OKC people waiting too long, so today I sent out messages to the people who had been waiting to hear from me, letting them know that I am slowly easing back into having a social life.
So next week, I have a meeting scheduled with an almost certainly platonic guy who is married and poly. I think it will be good to have some poly friends locally.
And then the week after that, I am scheduled to meet Karina for the first time. I don't know what we're doing yet, but I'm really looking forward to finally meeting her!
And then Sparrow...well...we had spoken of going to a museum in their neighborhood, but I'm not free in the daytime except on weekends, and my next three weekends are committed, so they asked me if I wanted to go to a music event downtown tomorrow night.
And I kinda do, but Rider had asked me to do happy hour with him that night. Happy hour is hypothetically early, so I asked Rider if he'd be OK with me dipping out for a few hours to meet Sparrow and go check out a thing, and he said he had been really looking forward to our having a Friday night together, since we got cheated out of our last one by my getting stuck out of town. He said he'd be scrambling to make plans for that night on such short notice and doesn't want to spend that evening alone. So I told Sparrow no.
I think Rider felt sad that I even asked, but, in truth, I was trying to be considerate of our OTHER time together. With a standing hangout with Oona on the books for Tuesdays, and weeknight meetings with two other people scheduled for the subsequent two weeks, to squeeze Sparrow in on a weeknight means that I would be not at home for part of three nights in a row. It seemed better to instead do it when Rider and I have the entire rest of the weekend together.
I have not yet tried to really juggle dating locally much yet. The closest I came was with Beckett, and that was one person for just a few weeks. At this early stage, when I am just trying to figure out who is going to actually be someone I want to hang out with, it seems to make sense to meet a handful of people. There's no way that all of them will pan out...is there?
I am a bit nervous about Rider's reaction. We've been, to some degree, functionally monogamous for a while. We've had a few out-of-town hookups, and a few threesomes and quasi-threesomes together, but really since Kelly ended things with Rider in favor of Man, out poly life has been pretty quiet. His reaction to my scheduling stuff seemed not entirely positive. Or maybe it's just that it's hard to read tone over IM.
To be honest, I'd actually be happy continuing to be functionally monogamous for a while, just because I am so busy, but I did promise these people I'd get in touch when I got to town, and I am a woman of my word, so I intend to at least start the little sprouts of friendships. My friendships take longer to grow than most people's do, since I am so busy and so introverted. I guess I'll try this out, and if it doesn't work for me, I'll retreat back into my tiny world of Rider, Oona, work, and my cat. LOL
I didn't want to keep my OKC people waiting too long, so today I sent out messages to the people who had been waiting to hear from me, letting them know that I am slowly easing back into having a social life.
So next week, I have a meeting scheduled with an almost certainly platonic guy who is married and poly. I think it will be good to have some poly friends locally.
And then the week after that, I am scheduled to meet Karina for the first time. I don't know what we're doing yet, but I'm really looking forward to finally meeting her!
And then Sparrow...well...we had spoken of going to a museum in their neighborhood, but I'm not free in the daytime except on weekends, and my next three weekends are committed, so they asked me if I wanted to go to a music event downtown tomorrow night.
And I kinda do, but Rider had asked me to do happy hour with him that night. Happy hour is hypothetically early, so I asked Rider if he'd be OK with me dipping out for a few hours to meet Sparrow and go check out a thing, and he said he had been really looking forward to our having a Friday night together, since we got cheated out of our last one by my getting stuck out of town. He said he'd be scrambling to make plans for that night on such short notice and doesn't want to spend that evening alone. So I told Sparrow no.
I think Rider felt sad that I even asked, but, in truth, I was trying to be considerate of our OTHER time together. With a standing hangout with Oona on the books for Tuesdays, and weeknight meetings with two other people scheduled for the subsequent two weeks, to squeeze Sparrow in on a weeknight means that I would be not at home for part of three nights in a row. It seemed better to instead do it when Rider and I have the entire rest of the weekend together.
I have not yet tried to really juggle dating locally much yet. The closest I came was with Beckett, and that was one person for just a few weeks. At this early stage, when I am just trying to figure out who is going to actually be someone I want to hang out with, it seems to make sense to meet a handful of people. There's no way that all of them will pan out...is there?
I am a bit nervous about Rider's reaction. We've been, to some degree, functionally monogamous for a while. We've had a few out-of-town hookups, and a few threesomes and quasi-threesomes together, but really since Kelly ended things with Rider in favor of Man, out poly life has been pretty quiet. His reaction to my scheduling stuff seemed not entirely positive. Or maybe it's just that it's hard to read tone over IM.
To be honest, I'd actually be happy continuing to be functionally monogamous for a while, just because I am so busy, but I did promise these people I'd get in touch when I got to town, and I am a woman of my word, so I intend to at least start the little sprouts of friendships. My friendships take longer to grow than most people's do, since I am so busy and so introverted. I guess I'll try this out, and if it doesn't work for me, I'll retreat back into my tiny world of Rider, Oona, work, and my cat. LOL