agentb2016
New member
Hi everyone,
I'm happy I found this forum. I'm considering entering a polyamorous relationship but have faced a major problem in the past week, and could use some feedback from others who are more experienced and actually practicing poly.
I met a guy online last August, and we met in person in October. We started dating in mid October and have been really enjoying each others' company and getting to know each other better. We have what I think is a great connection and chemistry.
About a month or two into dating, he expressed that he had been unhappy in previous monogamous relationships. One in particular had gone on for five years and although he said there had been nothing wrong with it, one day he decided to end it as he didn't feel fulfilled in it any more.
He thinks he might be polyamorous, however he knows little about it.
He met and started speaking to two poly couples earlier this year and told me about that. I expressed interest in meeting the couples and finding out how they make their relationship work. I had no issue with him meeting and talking to them. However, he hasn't told them anything about me or the fact that he's dating someone.
I've always been curious about poly, but I'm also inexperienced and have only done one open relationship previously, which ended up not working for me (because our ideas of what an open relationship were ended up being very different).
So I am curious, but still tentative about doing it. I told my current guy that I am open to keep talking about it and discussing the possibility, but I asked him to keep me involved and informed. I told him that for now, I would be more comfortable doing things as a couple. I've been warming up to the idea of him doing sexual things with some of these poly couples on his own.
However, I told him that it would make me uncomfortable if he were to go off and sleep with a girl on his own right now.
Fast forward to two weeks later, we get together and have dinner, and he raises the topic again. He says again that he's interested in the possibility of something sexual happening with some of these poly couples. He also says he's met a girl that he thinks he has a connection with, and wants to know how I feel about it. It takes him a while to finally admit it, but he states that he has already had sex with her.
I was pretty hurt and felt betrayed. His action was completely out of left field. There was no heads up (as there had been with the couples), no checking in with me beforehand to see how I felt about it. He just fucked her, and then told me days later about it. She's someone that he met in a bar and isn't a member of any poly community. He apparently told her that he was already dating someone.
We had not yet agreed to any rules or even confirmed that we were in a poly relationship. I needed time to figure out where I stood on the whole topic, and had asked him to respect that boundary while I figured it out.
To add further complication to this situation, he has told me that while he likes me and feels a connection with me, he hasn't fallen in love with me (he seems to be afraid of love, saying when he's fallen in love before it hasn't worked out), and he only thinks of me as a "friend." Calling me a "friend" feels very casual to me, and I've told him I'm not ultimately interested in casual relationships any more. I'm interested in something more long term, with more depth and connection. But I feel like he's keeping me at arms length.
I'm hurt, because I've let my guard down with this guy and have started to get feelings for him. I've done a lot of reading in the past week, and his take on poly (fucking someone else on his own without checking in with me, hiding it from me for a few days, doing it even tho I specifically told him it would make me uncomfortable, and calling me a friend and being unwilling to consider me a girlfriend) doesn't seem to line up with what many people consider poly to be.
I feel like I need to either have a solid talk with him about what my needs would be in a poly relationship (checking in before you are sexual with someone else, being open and honest, acknowledging me as a primary partner, respecting others' needs and feelings, being open with potential new partners)....
Or, I need to leave, because I'm not convinced that he really understands yet what poly is about, and that there's still an aspect of love and commitment to it. He seems very afraid of love and commitment.
I'm very unsure of what to do.
I'm happy I found this forum. I'm considering entering a polyamorous relationship but have faced a major problem in the past week, and could use some feedback from others who are more experienced and actually practicing poly.
I met a guy online last August, and we met in person in October. We started dating in mid October and have been really enjoying each others' company and getting to know each other better. We have what I think is a great connection and chemistry.
About a month or two into dating, he expressed that he had been unhappy in previous monogamous relationships. One in particular had gone on for five years and although he said there had been nothing wrong with it, one day he decided to end it as he didn't feel fulfilled in it any more.
He thinks he might be polyamorous, however he knows little about it.
He met and started speaking to two poly couples earlier this year and told me about that. I expressed interest in meeting the couples and finding out how they make their relationship work. I had no issue with him meeting and talking to them. However, he hasn't told them anything about me or the fact that he's dating someone.
I've always been curious about poly, but I'm also inexperienced and have only done one open relationship previously, which ended up not working for me (because our ideas of what an open relationship were ended up being very different).
So I am curious, but still tentative about doing it. I told my current guy that I am open to keep talking about it and discussing the possibility, but I asked him to keep me involved and informed. I told him that for now, I would be more comfortable doing things as a couple. I've been warming up to the idea of him doing sexual things with some of these poly couples on his own.
However, I told him that it would make me uncomfortable if he were to go off and sleep with a girl on his own right now.
Fast forward to two weeks later, we get together and have dinner, and he raises the topic again. He says again that he's interested in the possibility of something sexual happening with some of these poly couples. He also says he's met a girl that he thinks he has a connection with, and wants to know how I feel about it. It takes him a while to finally admit it, but he states that he has already had sex with her.
I was pretty hurt and felt betrayed. His action was completely out of left field. There was no heads up (as there had been with the couples), no checking in with me beforehand to see how I felt about it. He just fucked her, and then told me days later about it. She's someone that he met in a bar and isn't a member of any poly community. He apparently told her that he was already dating someone.
We had not yet agreed to any rules or even confirmed that we were in a poly relationship. I needed time to figure out where I stood on the whole topic, and had asked him to respect that boundary while I figured it out.
To add further complication to this situation, he has told me that while he likes me and feels a connection with me, he hasn't fallen in love with me (he seems to be afraid of love, saying when he's fallen in love before it hasn't worked out), and he only thinks of me as a "friend." Calling me a "friend" feels very casual to me, and I've told him I'm not ultimately interested in casual relationships any more. I'm interested in something more long term, with more depth and connection. But I feel like he's keeping me at arms length.
I'm hurt, because I've let my guard down with this guy and have started to get feelings for him. I've done a lot of reading in the past week, and his take on poly (fucking someone else on his own without checking in with me, hiding it from me for a few days, doing it even tho I specifically told him it would make me uncomfortable, and calling me a friend and being unwilling to consider me a girlfriend) doesn't seem to line up with what many people consider poly to be.
I feel like I need to either have a solid talk with him about what my needs would be in a poly relationship (checking in before you are sexual with someone else, being open and honest, acknowledging me as a primary partner, respecting others' needs and feelings, being open with potential new partners)....
Or, I need to leave, because I'm not convinced that he really understands yet what poly is about, and that there's still an aspect of love and commitment to it. He seems very afraid of love and commitment.
I'm very unsure of what to do.
I find it helpful to start a conversation with one focus point, and then - often it expands from the starting point. 