"Somebody more important came up."

Spork said:
The Worm King (disastrous fling of last summer) once said to me, after months of not seeing each other, "I miss you." I told him I thought that was kind of a stupid thing to say since I've been pretty clear I wanted him in my life and wanted to see him anytime he wanted to see me and he set everything up on his terms and then ghosted out on me...but fine. You miss me? I'm free Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday nights this week...any of those work for you? "No...I'm busy..." Um. Yeah. See? Well if you ever get some free time you want me to be a part of, you just let me know. *crickets.*

Anything was more important than me. Anything. Watching TV. Dinner party with friends (no way was I invited.) Gardening. Hanging out with his cats.

"I miss you." Psh. You shutcho mouf.
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I know that feeling.

I don't think it was deliberate on the other person's part, but they just didn't actively *want* to spend time with me.

To the point that when we did spend time together, they would say "I missed you" and I would stare at them and either think they were lying to make me feel better, or that what they really meant was "I *FORGOT* that being with you felt like this."

Either way, it did not make me feel particularly great about our relationship, or that person's self-awareness. (We are not together anymore. Officially we are still friends, but I sincerely doubt that I will see them very much from now on. I am fine with that.)

I made a new year's resolution this year - "stop having relationships with people who don't want to spend time with me."

A corrollary of that was that I also broke up with someone that I didn't actively want to spend much time with. Why would I put anyone else through that nonsense either, when I already knew how I felt, *and* how shit it was being on the other side of that?
 
polyciraptor said:
I know that feeling.

I don't think it was deliberate on the other person's part, but they just didn't actively *want* to spend time with me.

To the point that when we did spend time together, they would say "I missed you" and I would stare at them and either think they were lying to make me feel better, or that what they really meant was "I *FORGOT* that being with you felt like this."

Either way, it did not make me feel particularly great about our relationship, or that person's self-awareness. (We are not together anymore. Officially we are still friends, but I sincerely doubt that I will see them very much from now on. I am fine with that.)

I made a new year's resolution this year - "stop having relationships with people who don't want to spend time with me."

A corrollary of that was that I also broke up with someone that I didn't actively want to spend much time with. Why would I put anyone else through that nonsense either, when I already knew how I felt, *and* how shit it was being on the other side of that?
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It's definitely NOT a good feeling. And I find it's understandable (at least in my experience) if the person just has a lot going on, and is willing to communicate what's been happening...Zen's got a convention this weekend, Analyst skipped some get togethers because he had a cold, or because he had to study for a big cert test, Hefe and Fire were in Mexico one weekend...it's cool. I know what's up and we're all good. But that other guy, he never wanted to talk to me about what he was up to, besides to occasionally tell me he was gardening or he was watching the debates or he had a dinner party...and he wouldn't let me be part of any of that, our visits had to be confined to food/drink, chat, sex...nothing else. I was this compartmentalized thing, he'd call me just to get laid more or less. Which I actually didn't mind that much (the sex was just THAT good, in my opinion)...but when it didn't happen for weeks, and then months... Fine. I get the message. You don't want me anymore. Don't tell me 3 months after the last time I saw you that you "miss" me, ya flaky bastard! lol

The last time we talked, I told him that I had four relationships right now with wonderful people who love me and enjoy spending time with me, and while I would still enjoy seeing him if I had the chance, there is no longer any particular NEED driving that. I thought that maybe if he felt that I was in a more casual place with him and less needy/clingy, he might be more comfortable. All he said was, "I'm glad you're doing so well." and then nothing for another few months and counting. I have a feeling that unless I run into him randomly some day, I will never see him again. At this point, I can shrug and say, "Meh. It's alright. He was probably a mistake anyways."

I just wish I could find that level of sexual compatibility in a partner who wasn't so emotionally unavailable (or whatever.) It's like...I can get each particular ingredient of that stew in high concentration from each of the lovers I presently have, but he had a way of blending all of those elements into a more harmonious whole, and being intellectually fascinating on top of it. I don't miss how he approached our...relationship? thing?....but I miss the man. Damn shame. Oh well.
 
Never make someone a priority who views you as an option.
 
Dagferi said:
Never make someone a priority who views you as an option.
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Well, we actually never met face-to-face. We "met" via OkCupid (or something), exchanged a few emails and had one phone call. For "romantic" relationships, he clearly prefers monogamy, so we were going to explore a possible friendship with non-sexual cuddling as an option -- an arrangement I like quite a lot. (I love cuddling with my friends and think of myself as a student of touch--, thus the desire to explore touch of many sorts, with multiple people.)

His availability was not great -- generally just weekends. So we set up a weekend meeting and he bailed out. I guess I may have accepted his offer to re-schedule if he impressed me a lot. But my impression of him suffered when he cancelled our get-together for tea. No big deal. But still worthy of this conversation here on the topic of getting "bumped" for somebody "more important".
 
River said:
Well, we actually never met face-to-face. We "met" via OkCupid (or something), exchanged a few emails and had one phone call. For "romantic" relationships, he clearly prefers monogamy, so we were going to explore a possible friendship with non-sexual cuddling as an option -- an arrangement I like quite a lot. (I love cuddling with my friends and think of myself as a student of touch--, thus the desire to explore touch of many sorts, with multiple people.)

His availability was not great -- generally just weekends. So we set up a weekend meeting and he bailed out. I guess I may have accepted his offer to re-schedule if he impressed me a lot. But my impression of him suffered when he cancelled our get-together for tea. No big deal. But still worthy of this conversation here on the topic of getting "bumped" for somebody "more important".
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Well see, I also think, the early days are like a probationary period at a new job. If you care about starting a new relationship, you put your best foot forward and try not to fuck it up right out of the gate. Once there's a bit more investment, you can let your hair down some, your partner, if they generally like and trust you a lot, will probably cut you some slack.

Sounds like this fellow "called in" during his probationary period, and got canned! Whoops! lol
 
Online dating can be difficult this way. I tend to allow one cancelation if they let me know in reasonable time. I will usually schedule another meeting - and if that gets canceled, I'm done. No more chances. However, if someone had canceled on me stating that something or someone better had come along, I just wouldn't bother trying to make that connection. Why say something like that? It's just rude.
 
opalescent said:
Online dating can be difficult this way. I tend to allow one cancelation if they let me know in reasonable time. I will usually schedule another meeting - and if that gets canceled, I'm done. No more chances. However, if someone had canceled on me stating that something or someone better had come along, I just wouldn't bother trying to make that connection. Why say something like that? It's just rude.
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He cancelled by text messaging during a time he knew I'd be preoccupied, only moments before our planned get-together. My cell phone volume was turned off, as I was facilitating a group process at the time. Moments before our planned meeting I discovered that he had cancelled due to something more important.

In my mind there was a "whatever". :p
 
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Re (from Nancy):
-- "Uh, hi, this is Nancy. Well ... looks like Dee won't be able to make it after all ... >>tee-hee<< ... so let me know what you want to do. Bye!"
-- "This is Nancy again. Where are you? The night is slipping away! Call me soon, okay? Bye."
-- "Why are you ignoring my calls?!? I said I want to DO SOMETHING!!"
-- "PICK UP YOUR DAMN PHONE!!"
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LOL, priceless. :D
 
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She honestly thought he was just sitting by the phone waiting for her to call ...
 
AJM said:
does she ever make YOU feel special?
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;) It sorta put her on notice that, though I loved her very much & treasured her friendship & she's one of the most amazing sexual partners I've ever found... well, my little life was just going to go clicking along whether (or not) she wanted to be with me.

(A good person at heart, but she has "need" & "want" almost entirely swapped. So, she feels all motherly toward manipulative, needy, controlling people, giving them top priority every time, & angrily derides people who appreciate her presence as "clingy" -- hardly just me, btw.)

It's the answering machine that made this particular contretemps stick in my memory. :)
 
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