A VERY BAD start!

Bella999 said:
Would I start sleeping with someone then bring up the poly? I would think that a new lover would be more open to such a situation if we were already feeling that kind of closeness or intimacy. I can only imagine how awkward it would be to tell a date, I'm looking for a Poly relationship.. are you interested?
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*highlighting mine*

What a new lover is likely to be is really pissed off. If this were done to me, that would be the end of it. It would break all trust I'd thought was there. It's incredibly deceitful to intentionally leave out something as large as being married (which I am assuming is what you'd be doing, since the other option is to look for someone who is wanting a clandestine affair with a married man, which also puts into question an awful lot about ethics). That isn't intimacy, it's--at best--manipulation and dishonesty. Poly is predicated on honesty and communication for it to work. This is the exact opposite of that. And, if you recall, the reason all this mess got started: your wife was dishonest and manipulative, and chose to withhold very pertinent information regarding your relationship configuration from you. Clearly, you see how well that worked, and how badly it hurt you. Why on earth would you consider trying to do something like that to someone else?

While it may "feel weird" to tell someone you have an open/poly marriage and are seeking partners who are okay with that, at least it's honest, which is something a new person deserves when making decisions about moving forward with any kind of relationship with you.
 
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I am not married, but I am in a long term, live-in relationship. I am very clear on my ok cupid profile and my answers to the questions OKC provides to determine match percentage, that I am poly, that I have a live-in partner, and that I am also open to dating others. Open to seeing how any new relationship develops, sex partners who are friendly, to deep fondness, to love.

Of course, 90% of the men that contact me on OKC do not read my profile. They may actually look at my pix. But I know many women who have no pix on their profile, just a blank or the back of their head, get contacted with spam type messages telling them how pretty they are. But I digress.

You must be upfront about being married and seek women who are fine with being your secondary (unless you are fine with something progressing to a co-primary deal).

However, it could take AGES for you to find a girlfriend/lover/fuckbuddy. Right? Is your wife just going to sit twiddling her thumbs and leaving this man she loves alone, while you mess around trying to get laid? Or will she just fuck him behind your back again?
 
Bella999 said:
I know there are plenty of swinger's sites, but are there quality Poly dating sites? From my understanding, the single female is what is generally in demand. A married guy looking for an extra partner seems like the least likely
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Also, why would you limit yourself to single women? You're not single, why must she be? You'd likely have much better luck with a "secondary" style relationship with a woman who had other partners (possibly even married).

If you're serious about poly dating for yourself, it is a big help to spend some time thinking about how you see and engage people. No, a man looking for an "extra" partner isn't going to have much luck, probably. I certainly don't want to be viewed as disposable, which is how that kind of comes off. A person who is open to new experiences and developing new relationships, though? Very different thing.

Attitude is very important. People will read what you put out there in terms of language, body language, etc., and that will definitely impact who you attract.
 
OKC is really the only option for a polyamorous dating site.

I recall Bella saying he had several prospects from his swinger network though. Have you contacted any of them, Bella?

Personally I think it's unethical for you to date, with the current mess your marriage is in. I sure wouldn't want to date you!

Tit for tat poly never works. "Good for the gander, good for the goose"? What kind of woman would want to date, much less fall in love with, a man who is only seeking her to "make things equal" with his cheating wife and her lover and her other cheating lover?
 
Magdlyn said:
However, it could take AGES for you to find a girlfriend/lover/fuckbuddy. Right? Is your wife just going to sit twiddling her thumbs and leaving this man she loves alone, while you mess around trying to get laid? Or will she just fuck him behind your back again?
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We are going to have some swinger friends over next weekend... this will be the first time we have played in several years.

One of the single females that is coming over might be a candidate for a closer relationship. She is looking for someone and is having a hard time finding a compatible guy who is ok with her fucking other guys. Most of the swinger guys do want to take her to parties, but they want to basically use her to get entry so they can fuck other women. It would be a good match because I don't go to parties to sleep with other women. I like to keep my focus on the woman that I bring and make sure she is always having a great time. I will help her find guys, talk to them... tell them what she likes and doesn't and a make sure the play is exactly what she wants and not just what he wants. I'll jump in and play with her when the feeling and timing is right. She keeps telling me for years that she would like to find a guy like me... so we will see. My wife is going to talk to her about this a bit... woman to woman.
 
If the wife of a friend approached me to encourage me to date her husband - ugh. Why not approach her yourself?
 
Bluebird said:
If the wife of a friend approached me to encourage me to date her husband - ugh. Why not approach her yourself?
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Agreed. It would take a really specific set of circumstances for me to ever consider dating someone who wouldn't/couldn't approach me about it him/herself.
 
AlwaysGrowing said:
Agreed. It would take a really specific set of circumstances for me to ever consider dating someone who wouldn't/couldn't approach me about it him/herself.
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Not that I want to defend Bella999 here, because I think the levels of clusterfuck this is all going to turn into is pretty high, but this kind of thing is pretty common and accepted in swinging circles. A large part of it is to act as a buffer for women against the sometime overwhelming number of men interested in fucking her and to provide some safety (this shouldn't be necessary, of course, but reality is what it is). In some cases, it's not about these things, but more about control and what's the guy wants (rather than the girl being into it), but it's not my experience that this is the case all that often.

Fucking in a swinger situation is, of course, totally different than poly. But, since Bella999 and his wife seem to be familiar with that world moreso than the world of poly, it's not surprising to me it's taking this route. Again, I think it's asking for a metric shitpile of trouble, but I can see why this is the initial plan for how things are going to go.

Bella999, one thing to consider here is that your wife may also use this as a power play. She's not, as I recall, excited about you having your own partner? So, keep in mind that doing things this way establishes her authority, as well as puts her as a source of communication. These things never go well in poly relationships. I encourage you to step outside the swinger mindset, and talk to this potential new partner yourself. Don't allow your wife to become the hub of communication, or put her in a position where she controls aspects of your relationships.

Of course, I really think you both need to reconsider the whole poly thing given your current situation; but, if you are dead-set on going that route, at least don't set yourself up for failure, and your potential new partner for a really awful experience.
 
Wife discussed her latest offer.

She says "I will swing with you, so you can enjoy the swinging lifestyle …. because you like that… and then each time we do that, I get a night with my secondary."

This is mainly to give me time to find my own secondary… which I think would come from the swinger pool. Once I find a female swinger poly partner, then she (wife) can drop out of the swinging scene and I can play with my new secondary swinger poly female.

She seems certain this will work… and is willing to swing again with me until something more poly develops..

I could also date in the vanilla world, but that to me isn't very interesting.
 
As long as it works for all concerned, that's what counts.
 
So you have accepted her offer to fuck other men, when she doesn't want to, so you can spend time there, trying to hook up or fall in love with this "female" you've got your eye on?

I have heard many swinger women go to swing parties to fuck other men or women for their husband's pleasure, not because they actually want to. I guess it's true.
 
I think she wants to do this so she can have her way on her side. It's called compromising I think.

It's not like she hasn't done this before... she pretty much ran the show on it for years (for us).

This whole compromise thing has been her idea.... not mine.
I just reminded her that "poly" means I can see or love someone else as well.

My feeling is that she is more than happy to keep me over in the swinging world. I'm of course not "sold" on poly as a realistic long term venture.
I feel that the word poly is thrown around way to haphazardly and is mostly used as rationalization to just date other people and keep your S/O at bay from the kind of commitment they would rather have.
 
Magdlyn said:
So you have accepted her offer to fuck other men, when she doesn't want to, so you can spend time there, trying to hook up or fall in love with this "female" you've got your eye on?

I have heard many swinger women go to swing parties to fuck other men or women for their husband's pleasure, not because they actually want to. I guess it's true.
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I'm fine with her fucking other guys. Been doing that for years without issue.
Falling in love with someone else? Sounds like lots of drama to me. That is what has created this mess in the first place. I didn't agree to that. I haven't fallen in love with anyone else in our 10 years together. Met some nice quality women, but you have to be invested to take things further. It's not high school anymore is it?

We've been out of the swinging scene for years... so this weekend will be interesting. One of our female friends has agreed to co host a party and we are inviting a few extra single guys we also know to keep things moving along.
 
Bella999 said:
I think she wants to do this so she can have her way on her side. It's called compromising I think.

It's not like she hasn't done this before... she pretty much ran the show on it for years (for us).

This whole compromise thing has been her idea.... not mine.
I just reminded her that "poly" means I can see or love someone else as well.

My feeling is that she is more than happy to keep me over in the swinging world. I'm of course not "sold" on poly as a realistic long term venture.
I feel that the word poly is thrown around way to haphazardly and is mostly used as rationalization to just date other people and keep your S/O at bay from the kind of commitment they would rather have.
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Are you saying people in poly relationships can't commit? Multiple people on this board live with more than one partner, co parent with more than one partner, etc. Sounds committed to me. If someone would rather have a different type of commitment, then yes, they should not agree to a poly relationship but that isn't the poly person's fault is it?

Don't agree to something you're not comfortable with (I mean the all inclusive you). Everyone is responsible for their own happiness and if you agree to something your partner wants it's your choice not them trying to hold you back.
 
My marriage to Murf has has lasted longer than many monogamous marriages.

As if a piece of paper from the government makes some huge difference regarding our commitment to each other.
 
I feel that the word poly is thrown around way to haphazardly and is mostly used as rationalization to just date other people and keep your S/O at bay from the kind of commitment they would rather have.
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May that is so with some, but it certainly isn't true in many cases. My "official" husband DarkKnight and I just celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary, and I've been with my other husband, PunkRockAwesomesauce, for over 2 years. We are entangled and committed to each other in lots of legal ways - joint finances, insurance, medical proxies, retirement - and at this very moment I am in the process of legally changing my name to include his last name.
 
Bella999 said:
the word "poly" is thrown around way to haphazardly -- mostly used as rationalization to just date other people and keep your [sic] S/O at bay from the kind of commitment they [sic] would rather have.
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Sure, there's people who misuse the term, though on this site a tiny percentage compared to popular (mis)use...

...but I get the impression that you're using this to damn polyamory in general, & thus to set up your lifestyle -- whatever the hell THAT is -- as superior to all us self-deluded fools. Which if true, of course, would make me wonder wtf you're trying to get out of being here.

I'm sure you can set this mistaken impression straight, correct?
 
Bella, your wife may have been the leader in your swinging in the past. But right now, she isn't interested. She is going to share her body with men whom she does not desire, as some sort of twisted favor to you, it seems. So you can fuck around and maybe find a girlfriend? So you'll be distracted with the sex and forgive her for wanting a love relationship with another?

I do not see you two elegantly making a transition to polyamory. I see a lot of tit for tat and criticism of polyamory.

You're good at just fucking people with no feelings involved. You're suspicious that polyamory is unhealthy and just a coverup for fucking around. However, you're the one fucking around. You're the one who has a wife who fell in love (against your "rules"), and cheated on you with 2 men. If we polyamorists weren't interested in deep loving committed relationships, we would all ID as swingers. But we don't. We don't take steps to "not fall in love." That is what swingers, such as yourself, do.

I wish you well. Maybe this "female" you're after will become a good swinging partner, and life will go on in a familiar way for you, with little or no love, (while your wife gets more and more entangled with her new lover).

Meanwhile, are you enjoying the cafe? With the cheating owner and his clueless wife? There's "monogamy" for ya. There's a healthy committed relationship. :rolleyes:
 
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