It's a Texlahoma Story

What I really want - with Dag, and with any future boyfriends - is to be able to say "I'm stressed, I need alone time, I can't get together this week".

I have that with my friends... My more casual friends just take it at face value. My closest friends might show up with beer and cigarettes and occasionally a puppy, hand them off to me, and then go hang out with Andy upstairs.

But Dag... Dag does not get it. He wants to "be there for me", which for him means actually physically being next to me. Or at minimum, texting messages of support and love nonstop. I find that incredibly stressful. I have a very hard time figuring out my own needs and soothing myself when I'm trying to respond to him. I think I've mentioned this here before... That no matter how many times or how many ways I ask for SPACE AND QUIET!!!, he just keeps up the contact.

I guess at some point I figured it would be easier to sacrifice a few hours here and there, so he could feel like he'd accomplished his "fix Claire" mission, then to keep explaining what I needed.

(Ironically, telling him about the Lexapro did buy me some quiet. And as weird as it felt to have him basically ghost on me for four days, I do think I got back to normal-ish faster for having the time to focus on myself. Hmmm.)

I obviously have to figure out how to handle this going forward. This was the worst my anxiety has been in, damn, almost 7 years. I hope I get another 7 before this happens again! But I'm always going to have days where I'm feeling the stress rise and need some space.
 
I haven't been updating this blog much lately ... I could make a bunch of excuses about being tired or busy ... but the truth is, I'm just meh with everything poly lately and haven't wanted to talk about it. I read about how happy everyone is with their busy poly lives, and I feel like such a downer, because my poly life is not making me happy right now.

There's no drama, everything is same old, same old around here. My heart just isn't in it right now. I still text with Dag off and on all day, but it feels like a chore to me. We still have trips and such planned months out, but inside I'm thinking I'd have more fun doing that stuff with Andy. I'm supposed to spend tomorrow night with Dag, and I'm kind of dreading it. I'd rather be home with my husband and my dogs. Or at the gym. Or out with friends. I'm just not feeling it with Dag right now.

And I have no idea why. There are a million little annoyances, but those happen in every relationship, and aren't enough to explain my current mindset. I still think Dag is amazing and smart and funny and sexy as hell. He's the perfect boyfriend. But somehow that no longer translates into wanting to be with him all the time. We had plans Wednesday, but he had to cancel at the last minute because of work stuff. All I felt was relief.

If I had a *reason* for these feelings -or lack thereof - I'd talk to him. I'd work on it. But I honestly don't know why I'm just mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship right now :(
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
I haven't been updating this blog much lately ... I could make a bunch of excuses about being tired or busy ... but the truth is, I'm just meh with everything poly lately and haven't wanted to talk about it. I read about how happy everyone is with their busy poly lives, and I feel like such a downer, because my poly life is not making me happy right now.

There's no drama, everything is same old, same old around here. My heart just isn't in it right now. I still text with Dag off and on all day, but it feels like a chore to me. We still have trips and such planned months out, but inside I'm thinking I'd have more fun doing that stuff with Andy. I'm supposed to spend tomorrow night with Dag, and I'm kind of dreading it. I'd rather be home with my husband and my dogs. Or at the gym. Or out with friends. I'm just not feeling it with Dag right now.

And I have no idea why. There are a million little annoyances, but those happen in every relationship, and aren't enough to explain my current mindset. I still think Dag is amazing and smart and funny and sexy as hell. He's the perfect boyfriend. But somehow that no longer translates into wanting to be with him all the time. We had plans Wednesday, but he had to cancel at the last minute because of work stuff. All I felt was relief.

If I had a *reason* for these feelings -or lack thereof - I'd talk to him. I'd work on it. But I honestly don't know why I'm just mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship right now :(
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I can identify with every shred of this! Like, for me, every time I weigh ANYTHING against spending time with Rider...Rider always wins. Hands down. I have pretty much only been doing other stuff out of a sense of obligation because I said I would. If he can't be there, I'd rather just stay home with him. Un-poly-like? Sure. Which is why I'm not trying to actively date right now. Just because I CAN love more than one person doesn't mean that I NEED to all the time. I'm still poly. Just not ACTIVELY right now. (We'll still have our sexual adventures with Sam and Allie when they come visit, but that's not the same as actually DATING.)
 
I'm supposed to meet Dag in an hour, and I'm trying to firm up what exactly I need to say to him tonight. I hate marching into a date with a "we need to talk" agenda, but... We really need to talk. I've basically been checked out emotionally for a month now, and that's not fair to him. Or me. So I tried to make a list of things I felt like would help me feel more connected... And then I looked at the list... Take walks or bike rides. Have lunch once a week. Go out with my husband or my friends. Actually watch a movie instead of just making out while it plays in the background.

And suddenly it was so, so, so stinking obvious what was going on.

The last time Dag and I met up and hung out and didn't have sex was our at Geeky Con in January. Since then, every no-chance-for-sex date has been canceled, or rescheduled so many times it got lost in the shuffle. I don't feel like we're friends anymore. We don't have lunch, we don't meet up to run errands together, we don't do group stuff, we don't even go out to dinner or drinks unless there's a hotel room reserved for afterwards. Even our text chats... I look through them, and it's like we can chat for five minutes max before it turns sexual.

I don't know why this happened. We used to do TONS of other stuff together. But now it's just weekly dinner and sex. Or him coming over and we have sex. And that's not working for me. Sex is great, but I need more than sex. It's not my primary way to connect with people.

So, I'm going to bring this up. I just don't know *how* to bring it up, because, well, I feel guilty. My crazy schedule is the main reason we usually only get to see each other once a week. If I ask him to make some of those meetings "not sex", I'm basically telling him he doesn't get the amount of sex he's used to getting. I wish Dag still had some kind of sex life with his wife. I would feel a million times better asking for non sexy time dates if I wasn't his only sexual partner right now.

I have always felt like Dag and I saw this relationship differently. I want us to be good friends, who love and care about each other, and have sex sometimes. He wants us to be a couple who doesn't happen to live together. It seems like those different takes shouldn't matter, but sometimes they do. Is our sexual and romantic connection the focus? Or our friendship?

Ugh. I do not know how to have this conversation.
 
You don't owe Dag sex. You're not obligated to have sex with anyone, ever. Where did you get that idea?

If you want some romance, walks, bike rides, to watch a damn movie and really focus on it, that is GOOD and NORMAL.

If he is horny for an extra week because you didn't put out, so what? He's got hands, I assume.

I think you need to learn to identify what you want and need, ask for it, and stick to your guns about getting it. If he won't provide what you need, he may not be right for you.

If that makes him upset, so what? That's his shit to deal with. On the other hand, if he really does want to help you and not hurt you, you need to let him know who you are, as you do everyone else that is important to you. More space? Ask. More dates? Ask. No sex this time because you're just not feeling it? Great! You're not a prostitute.
 
It also isn't your job to compensate for his lack of sex life with his wife. That isn't your problem; it's theirs. If he wants to get laid, he can find a fuck buddy; if he wants to be involved with you, he's going to have to deal with treating you the way you prefer being treated. And if that means not having sex with you because you feel like that's all this has become, he's just going to have to accept that. Or stop seeing you.

And to me, if he chooses to stop seeing you or gets pissy or whatever because you say you'd like to have times together that aren't about sex, then that would kinda prove that he's only in it for the sex now, and that would mean you and he aren't compatible, so losing him wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.
 
I probably could have been clearer in my last post - the cancellations and such were by no means all Dag, a lot of them happened because I was stressed out and exhausted. And I was by no means having sex when I didn't want to - I pretty much always want to, if it's on offer! Which is probably why it took me 6 weeks to notice, hey, we're not doing anything else anymore :eek:

Dag and I had a REALLY good talk tonight. He was soooo relieved I brought up wanting to go out more. I actually felt a little embarrassed, because here I am complaining we never do anything fun together... When for the past month I've been telling him I need space, and I'm too exhausted to leave the house. But, he was kind enough not to make a big deal out of that, and just said he missed hanging out, too.

I'm not naive enough to think, oh, we talked, it's all fixed. But I am hopeful that we can get back to connecting as friends.


KC43 said:
It also isn't your job to compensate for his lack of sex life with his wife. That isn't your problem; it's theirs.
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This, I do feel some confusion about. Logically I know that it's not my job to compensate... Emotionally, I feel guilty that I have two partners and he only has me. And that extends beyond sex, to emotional support and companionship, too. There are a lot of times I think Dag would be happier dating someone single and mono - except that isn't what he wants, for a lot of really good reasons.

Your line about him getting a fuck buddy made me laugh, KC - isn't that me, lol? Jokes aside, this really is as casual as either of us can handle. Which is probably one reason we stumble so often, we're both clueless on how to handle relationships that aren't marriages.
 
Magdlyn said:
You don't owe Dag sex. You're not obligated to have sex with anyone, ever. Where did you get that idea?
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Where did you get the idea I felt that way :confused:

I will say, though, that *to me* sex is an important part of romantic relationships. I think about Dag's sexual needs, and Andy's. And my own. If I only had sex once every two weeks, I'd be climbing the walls. So I do feel conflicted asking Dag to skip some sexy times to do other stuff. Not because I owe him sex, but because his sexual needs matter to me. And at this point, I'd much prefer it was me (or his wife) meeting those needs, because add another girlfriend to the mix and there'd be zero time for movies and bike rides ;)

Great! You're not a prostitute.
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Um, thanks? I think? Though personally I don't see anything wrong with being a sex worker.
 
Glad you guys had a good talk. A good talk can go a long way.
 
Except you aren't just a "fuck buddy" if your connection with Dag includes more than fucking. It might have been trending that way, but it sounds like you and he sorted things out.

I can relate to the guilt. I experienced that to some extent with both of my ex-boyfriends. Guy was not only not in any other relationships, he was long-distance so we couldn't see each other at all most of the time. I told him he was welcome to have other relationships; he chose to fuck other women but not in any type of relationship capacity, just in a one-night-stand or fuck-buddy type of thing. He didn't want other relationships. He didn't even want one with me until it happened. With S2, he wasn't nearly as poly as he wanted to believe he was; the one time he went out on a date with someone other than me, he told me over and over that he felt like he was cheating on me. So I was the only partner of any type that he had, but he preferred it that way. (Until he didn't anymore...)

And Hubby is purely monogamous; while he occasionally entertains the idea of having a fuck-buddy or FWB, for the most part he feels like there would be too much potential for drama or conflict, and he flat out refuses to consider another full-fledged relationship with anyone because he says he can barely handle ours sometimes. (That isn't a slam against me; he says he's lazy and doesn't like having to work on things, and while *our* relationship is worth the work, he wouldn't want to have to do it with anyone else.) So he, too, only has me.

I'm on the other side of the equation now. Hubby doesn't pay a lot of attention to or spend a lot of time with me. Our sex life is infrequent unless *I* make the effort to make it otherwise; he's happy to have sex with me, it just doesn't occur to him to try initiating. And sometimes I get petty and pissy about that and refuse to initiate either, because why should I be the only one? So while I do have two partners, as far as time, attention, and to some extent sex, I only have Woody, while he has two other partners in the area, a long-distance partner, and apparently several other women that he's considering some level of beyond-platonic connection with.

In the cases with Guy and S2, and with Hubby, it wasn't/isn't my job to compensate for anything. Nor was/is it my place to feel guilty because I had two partners (three, during the two months or so that those two guys overlapped in my life) and they each only had one. It didn't bother *them*, and it doesn't bother Hubby, so there's no reason for it to bother me.

Likewise, even though sometimes internally I feel slighted, insecure, and even a bit pissy about Woody having so many partners and potentials while I sometimes feel like I only have one and a half partners, it isn't his job to fill in any gaps in my life, nor would I ever want him to feel guilty. He has chosen to try to fill some of those gaps and provide some of what he knows Hubby doesn't give, but that is entirely his choice and I've told him more than once that he doesn't have to do it. (To which his usual reply is "If I thought I had to, I wouldn't.")

So I can relate to feeling guilty about having multiple partners while being involved with someone who only has one, but that doesn't mean feeling guilty about it is healthy or beneficial to you or to Dag. If he wanted more than one partner, I would assume he could find another. If he's okay with the status quo, there's no reason for you not to be.
 
KC43 said:
Except you aren't just a "fuck buddy" if your connection with Dag includes more than fucking. It might have been trending that way, but it sounds like you and he sorted things out.
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We did :) It's funny, in a mono relationship, the past six weeks wouldn't have registered to me as anything other than a blah period in the relationship. We were busy at work, I was miserable and anxious, we didn't do much fun couple-y stuff. I've had plenty of months like that with Andy and - whatever, life happens.

With Dag, though, it freaked me out. I guess I still have a hard time trusting that our relationship is "real", even after a year and a half, even after countless I love yous. There's still a voice in my head saying "never gonna get married tho!" It's not that I'd even want cohabitation or marriage with him - just that I still struggle to see a non-escalator relationship as "serious" and "worth the effort". I'm working on that.

If he wanted more than one partner, I would assume he could find another. If he's okay with the status quo, there's no reason for you not to be.
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He could - although I wasn't kidding when I said this is as casual as he can handle. I completely get that, because I feel the same way. (See above, lol.) And neither of us really has the energy to maintain 3 relationships. So him finding someone else would probably be an "instead of me" as opposed to an "in addition to me".

I've brought it up before - that if he wants to keep looking for partners, I'm ok with it - but he says he can't imagine being in a relationship with anyone else. I kind of believe him. His wife is the only relationship he's had since high school. (Well, he dated one girl a few years ago, but she wanted them to leave their spouses and run off together, so that didn't last long.) I think Dag is just very much like me - willing and able to have multiple relationships, but rarely interested enough in someone to bother.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
Where did you get the idea I felt that way :confused:

I will say, though, that *to me* sex is an important part of romantic relationships. I think about Dag's sexual needs, and Andy's. And my own. If I only had sex once every two weeks, I'd be climbing the walls. So I do feel conflicted asking Dag to skip some sexy times to do other stuff. Not because I owe him sex, but because his sexual needs matter to me. And at this point, I'd much prefer it was me (or his wife) meeting those needs, because add another girlfriend to the mix and there'd be zero time for movies and bike rides ;)



Um, thanks? I think? Though personally I don't see anything wrong with being a sex worker.
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Sorry, Girl, I misinterpreted your previous post. I am glad you two had a productive talk.
 
So, it's Dag's 40th birthday today!!! And his parents showed up for a surprise visit :D I literally just got a text that said "Holy shit - my parents are here!"

I guess this means our birthday plans tomorrow are off ;) but that's ok. I'm happy to take a rain check if it means he gets to see his mom and dad, they live across the country and almost never come to Texas. I can't believe his wife and kids pulled this off! His mom is the most anal housekeeper EVER and Elvissa usually cleans for weeks before she comes. I know it must have been hard to not do that! Not to mention keeping two kids quiet about a secret grandparent visit... I am most definitely impressed!

Things with Dag have been really good since we talked. He made a huge effort this week to plan extra hangouts for us, and it was so much fun to just chill with him :) I have missed that.

With all the ups and downs, there are times lately when I've wondered why I bother. And then I spend time with Dag, and I remember. He's why. I am so lucky to have found someone that is so perfect for me.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
I can so relate to this...

One of the things I love about my husband is that he has many deep, close friendships with both men and women. I have never liked the idea of being someone's everything, their only support. I started counting Andy's emotional intimates and gave up, I'm sure I'm forgetting someone. The fact that Andy has many, many people who will hold him, comfort him, listen to his deepest fears and share theirs... Somehow that makes me feel safer loving him. I can just be *me*, not struggle constantly to be *whatever Andy needs right now*.

Dating Dag, I've had to deal for the first time with a guy who doesn't have lots of emotionally intimate relationships. It's HARD. I feel a ton of pressure to be always available - not necessarily physically, but mentally and emotionally.

I'm used to a partner who sees that I'm busy/stressed/cranky and seeks emotional support elsewhere. Dag comes to me for everything emotions, and I feel like I have to be there even when I'm not up for it. I'm also used to being with someone who's basically love-saturated. Andy relishes my love and attention, but he doesn't need gobs of it, because he gets so much from others. Dag is like a starving man at a buffet when it comes to love and affection. I'm happy to give him tons - but I feel sometimes like there is no "enough".

Sometimes the difference between those who have multiple close, loving, intimate friendships, and those who only share that emotionally intimacy with their spouse, seems like a much wider gulf than sexually monogamous vs not.
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Sticking this here because someone very wise told me it was a good explanation of why I struggle so much ;)
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
Andy relishes my love and attention, but he doesn't need gobs of it, because he gets so much from others. Dag is like a starving man at a buffet when it comes to love and affection. I'm happy to give him tons - but I feel sometimes like there is no "enough".
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I've spent some time thinking about subjects close to this when it comes to myself and Rider. When Rider and I first got together, we discovered that we had in common that, for either of us, there is "no enough"—or, there IS, I guess, but it's so far offshore from most people's "enough" that it's way out over the horizon line so it looks to them like it doesn't exist.

We both have had in common that with past partners, we always had to hold back some, lest we smother them or gobble them up whole. We are both "made of love" and have so much to give and want so much in return that it can be overwhelming. It's one of the reasons that I, at least, wanted to try poly to begin with: I felt like all of that love would be more successfully distributed over multiple people than poured into one place and drowning one particular person.

One problem I keep running into with poly, though, is that now that I have found someone who will tolerate—and in fact enjoys—a similar amount of love poured over them, and who gives as good as he gets, I am actually finding out that it pretty close to satisfies my needs just to have the one who can take oh-so-much.

With one person who has nearly identical love-exchange needs to mine, I don't feel starving anymore, nor like I am cloying anyone. And I'm having trouble redirecting any of that stream to anyone else (or tolerating any of his being redirected to anyone else, now that we've dived into that infinite well together). When it seemed like one person would never meet my needs, poly seemed a much easier idea to put into practice, but now that one person does...it's all become tricksy somehow.
 
I've been in a weird mood lately. Very down on myself. Started with reading this in a thread...

Bella999 said:
I am highly attracted to women who can "swing" without drama. Just beams confidence and emotional sophistication to me.
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Bella999 said:
I love a women who can have sex freely, not bring drama, and not have to feel deeply in love to open her legs for another man. So therefore, I am most attracted to "swinger" women.... at this point.
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... And spiraled into being really angry and disappointed in myself for not being able to do casual sex :(

Yes, I know it's just one person's opinion. Except, it's not. I feel like every guy I'm close enough to that we talk about this kind of stuff has expressed this sentiment. That women who enjoy casual sex are more evolved, or more mature, or, at least, way sexier than women like me.

I know Andy thinks it's hot that Anna-Louise used to sleep with tons of random guys. Dag is, like, OBSESSED with swinger women on tumblr. Both of my serious exes talked about it, too. The idea that women who have more partners are more comfortable with their sexuality, even more comfortable with themselves. The irony, of course, is that ALL of these guys admitted they probably couldn't get it up without an emotional connection.

I've tried to do casual. Once. Twice, kind of. The first was the third date with a guy from okc a few years ago. He was nice enough, very hot, smart, etc, we just didn't know each other that well yet. It was - nothing. Tab A, slot B, and various permutations. About as arousing as getting a Pap smear. The second "kind of" was a guy I'd actually gotten to know well over a few months, and really really liked, who I knew was into swinging and had had lots of partners. I couldn't let go of the worry that I was just as much of a "notch in the bedpost" to him as the others. (I ended up practically ghosting on him, which I still feel bad about. I just couldn't think of any way to explain what was going on without slut-shaming him.)

So yeah, sex in anything short of a committed relationship does nothing for me. And I can't imagine being with anyone who felt differently. It's confusing for me, the idea that sex is sometimes just sex, and sometimes more. For me it's always more. Or else it's shitty.

But I can't seem to be ok with myself on this. I have this nagging feeling like I'm a failure or something. Like I'll never be self actualized if I don't fuck a million guys and love it.

I've talked about it to both Dag and Andy, and they both said almost the exact same thing. They get how I feel, 100%, because they feel the same way - that it's the emotional bond that makes sex good. But that there's something incredibly hot about a woman who likes sex for sex's sake and doesn't need that. :confused::confused::confused:

I'm not even sure if what I just wrote makes any sense. But I needed to get it out because it's eating at me lately.
 
nycindie said:
There's nothing wrong with not being into casual sex. However, I thought you've said here that you've had FWBs, and casual sexual liaisons - or did I mis-remember?
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I think it gets confusing because my definitions are so "mono-minded". I consider Dag a FWB. A very close friend, with lots and lots of benefits, but still. Non escalator = FWB, to me.

I can do a more "typical" FWB situation if it's someone I've known for longer. My first relationship after opening our marriage (the one whose wife vetoed me) was like that. We emailed maybe once or twice a day, saw each other every few weeks. But with years of friendship to build on, that was ok for me. My other ex, we had about the same type of relationship, but since he was someone I'd only known briefly it was REALLY hard on me. Lots of drama, almost all created by me. ( I mean, he was an asshole, but I was the one crying LOVE ME MORE!!! :eek:)

Casual... Eh, those two I mentioned. Before I was married, I was a serial monogamist, I haven't been "single" for more than a month since sophomore year of high school. Aaaaand... That's the sum total of my sexual history right there.

I mean, that actually seems like a lot of sexual partners, to me. But they have (with the exception of the two listed above) all been people I was close to. Not people I was necessarily in love with, or even romantically involved with, but guys I knew, and cared about, and trusted.

I just feel like... A big baby, for needing that. I feel SILLY. Sex isn't scary. So what's wrong with me, that I can't just do it with someone simply because they're hot? I mean, I could, but in the past that has sucked for me. I dunno, I keep thinking I must be repressed or something. Like maybe there's some insight I'm lacking.
 
I'm the same way, Claire. I can't do casual. I've tried and it doesn't work for me. Blue was suppose to be my casual, post divorce thing and here were are a couple years later :p It's just how I'm wired. The closest I can come is fwb with another women. But there has to be some level of friendship and connection first. I've yet to have a successful fwb arrangement with a man.

As far as the poster you've quoted, he's just one man. And he is into casual sex so it makes sense that he'd prefer women who are, too. That doesn't make them or him more evolved. It just makes them different from us :)
 
Thanks PinkPig :) I'm glad to know I'm not the only one without any slut potential :p

PinkPig said:
As far as the poster you've quoted, he's just one man. And he is into casual sex so it makes sense that he'd prefer women who are, too. That doesn't make them or him more evolved. It just makes them different from us :)
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I think this stuff gets to me, in large part, because Andy has always thought Hotwife scenarios were hot, and I feel guilty for not being able to do that with him. He's never been anything but super understanding, but it still eats at me sometimes.

And it totally confuses me why a guy who I have seen turn down multiple offers of sex from women - because "I don't know her! It would be weird!" - would think the idea of his wife sleeping around is hot.

Argh. I need to just let it go. And stop reading threads on fetlife that make me feel like the worlds biggest prude... The ones that start with "one of my partners and I were at an orgy..." :cool:
 
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