A VERY BAD start!

Really just here for discussion, sharing, understanding etc... not sure why all the bashing.

Is it ok for me to discuss how I feel openly and honestly? Is it ok for me to not be thrilled with the potential pitfalls of poly? All I have to do is read some of the other threads on here and it's pretty self explanatory.... lot's of DRAMA!

That being said, I don't know if we are a good fit for poly.... but maybe. I think it would depend upon the right people being involved.

As far as the word poly being loosely throw around, I believe it is... from my exposure to it. I would think that the couples here that are really living it.. like sharing finances, living together COMMITTED ... would also be rolling their eyes at those who are just casually dating multiple people and claiming to be poly :rolleyes:

Does poly work sometimes? Of course it does... but it's just not very commonplace. If it was common, I would certainly know several... if not lots of poly couples living happily around town etc. Where are they hiding? On websites? Tucked away in remote areas of Mendocino County?

I have a deep respect for a poly relationship that has lasted for years and the participants are happy. Same respect for long term swingers.

A lot of people are dabbling or pretending with a lot of false pretense or expectations.
 
Of course your only going to see drama on a message board.

Who wants to read about my boring life. How yesterday I left work went home to Murf to have dinner, pay some bills, do a load of laundry.. I then drove home to my house with Butch because he had to be at work at 3am and I had to get the kids up and off to school. Oh I stopped off to buy my youngest some sweatpants.

No one wants to hear me gush my relationships.
 
Er... how do you figure that if happy poly relationships were commonplace, you would know a lot of poly couples? Do you know everyone in your area? Of the people you do know, do you know everything about their lives?

Some people who are living in happily committed poly relationships don't talk about it to "outsiders" about it. Some are "in the closet," so to speak, because of work, church, family, etc. Just like not all swingers go around telling everyone "guess what, I fucked six people at a party Saturday night and I do that every weekend," not all poly folk are going to tell everyone they know "guess what, my boyfriend and my husband and my husband's girlfriend and her other boyfriend all live together."

And even those who don't make an effort to hide it don't necessarily talk about it to everyone they know.

I'm polyamorous, and other than occasional glitches mostly caused by my insecurity or not understanding something, I'm very happy in both of my relationships. (No, the one with Woody isn't long term. Yet. I've only known him since October. That's beside the point.) But most of the people who know me have no idea I'm poly. I only actively hide it from Hubby's family, at his request; the other people don't know I'm poly because it just isn't a thing that's relevant in the conversations I usually have with them.

And several of the people who do know, know because Alt outed me behind my back, not because I brought it up...

So no, I don't think you would necessarily "certainly know several...if not lots of poly couples living around town," because first of all, "poly couple" isn't always a relevant thing. There are plenty of people who consider themselves solo poly and are completely happy. And if more than two people are living together, it isn't a couple. And second of all, not all couples are poly together. I'm poly; Hubby isn't. Woody is, but he and I don't... Okay, officially he and I don't live together. Except for his having designated his house as my home, his bedroom as mine, and some of my stuff having migrated over there over the past couple of weeks at his request. But people who know Hubby and me, even those who do know I'm poly, don't know a poly "couple," because he is not poly.
 
I wrote a lot about our relationships in the beginning when everything started. Now, I write much if I can make it once a month to give a (mostly boring and repetitive) update about our life in the blog section. That's how committed relationships tend to be. There is a lot going on, but more often than not nothing out of the ordinary you would talk about.
 
Bella999 said:
Really just here for discussion, sharing, understanding etc... not sure why all the bashing.
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Are we bashing you? Or are we questioning you to help you figure out what shape of relationship you (and your wife) currently want?
Is it ok for me to discuss how I feel openly and honestly? Is it ok for me to not be thrilled with the potential pitfalls of poly?
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Yes. And yes. But maybe it's a little not OK to come on a poly board and bitch about how awful "poly" is. Would you go on a Christian board and tell everyone how awful Christianity is? Would you go on a Facebook group for say, Barbie collectors, and tell them how ridiculous collecting dolls is?

All I have to do is read some of the other threads on here and it's pretty self explanatory.... lot's of DRAMA!
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My life is pretty drama free. I post about the boring (happy) details of my life about once a week. Feel free to go read it in the Blog section. Once in a while, I have troubles in my relationships. But no one never has troubles in their relationships. Even a swinger like you! And many many mono relationships have troubles also. And single people can be lonely. Life is full of trouble. We all do our best to get along, including posting here asking for help. And as we know better, we do better.

That being said, I don't know if we are a good fit for poly.... but maybe. I think it would depend upon the right people being involved.
Click to expand...

The right people, and the right information about how to avoid difficulties and overcome problems.

As far as the word poly being loosely throw around, I believe it is... from my exposure to it. I would think that the couples here that are really living it.. like sharing finances, living together COMMITTED ... would also be rolling their eyes at those who are just casually dating multiple people and claiming to be poly :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

I am not sure what you mean here. "Couples here that are COMMITTED"? Do you mean poly couples who are each committed to one or several others? Read the blog section. Each poly person does poly in their own way. Solo poly (pretty common). Fully open coupled poly (like my nesting partner and me, where she and I live together but we each date one or two others at any given time). Closed triads (rare). Closed or open Vs (pretty common). Open poly networks where each person involved may have one or more partners (common). Closed or open quads. Mono/poly relationships. And the list goes on. No one is rolling their eyes at the shape other peoples' relationships take. We are too busy leading our own lives.

The one exception might be predatory "unicorn hunters" who are looking for "girl to share," as fitting someone into a small box isn't good manners.

And some polyamorous people are also polysexual, and may be in love with one or two of their partners, but have more casual sexual relationships with others.

The only thing we all have in common, ideally, is, honest clear communication, no cheating and practicing safer sex.

Does poly work sometimes? Of course it does... but it's just not very commonplace.
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You are correct. It is a new movement, spurred by the greater freedom women now have in relationships, thanks to feminism.

If it was common, I would certainly know several... if not lots of poly couples living happily around town etc. Where are they hiding? On websites? Tucked away in remote areas of Mendocino County?
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Many poly people do need to be quite discreet about it, especially in more conservative areas of the US and around the world.

I have a deep respect for a poly relationship that has lasted for years and the participants are happy. Same respect for long term swingers.
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Just be careful about how you define "success." Long term happy relationships are not all that common in any type of relationship shape.
A lot of people are dabbling or pretending with a lot of false pretense or expectations.
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Well, speak for yourself, hon. Beware of pot/kettle.
 
I am not in the closet. But if you saw Murf and I or Butch and I in public how would you know I was poly? I don't go around announcing in my daily life "weeee look at me I have two husbands."

I live my life quietly. If I have conversation with someone I will openly discuss my life if the conversation goes that way. I discuss what happens in my life with both partners in every day conversation with Co workers friends etc.
 
I had a supervisor once say to my face "I've only met one poly person my whole life and his relationships were fucked up!" She didn't know that not one but two of her subordinates were poly. I finally told her that the reason she would hear me refer to "the boys" when I talked about holidays and such was because I had two significant others. She had no clue, and I saw her at least 4 times a week for over a year.

I'm not closeted, but I don't flaunt my relationships either. I don't use titles unless questioned - I call Hubby by his name and if asked say he's my husband, I call Boy by his name and if asked say he's my boyfriend. Not everyone asks, so not everyone knows.
 
I'm always amused to hear about the cluelessness one of my boyfriends encounters when talking about his partners. Astonishingly few people seem to notice that he has both a wife and a girlfriend, despite the fact that he often mentions us to the same people at the same time, eg:

Co-worker: "Did you get up to much over the weekend?"

BF: "Not really, my wife and I went car shopping, then I mowed the lawn, saw a movie with my girlfriend, took the dogs for a walk... the usual weekend stuff. Yourself?"

Co-worker: "Laundry, mostly. I wanted to paint the bathroom, but I never seem to get as much done as I think I will. What kind of car are you looking for?"
 
So true, Emm. Recently I've posted 3 pix of my boyfriend Punk on my Facebook wall. I called him my "boyfriend." A newer friend and I got together a bit later. We are new friends and also Facebook friends, and I mentioned my bf Punk, and told her, "You know, that guy I posted pictures of on FB, calling him my boyfriend?"

And I was coming out to her as poly. And she said, "That guy? I thought you were kidding!" (About him being my boyfriend.) I don't know what she was thinking. But people see what they expect to see.
 
Getting ready for the play night.

Wife has agreed to have a talk with the other female about having me
as a "hall pass" swinging partner to start things off. I do like her, and we have had some great conversations over the last week or so talking about all kinds of things.

In the swinging world, it is important that everything is above water and that everyone knows what is going on. The female to female conversation is one that needs to happen. Any thought that I would be sneaking around behind my wife taking the other female to parties is way out of bounds.

Who knows, maybe I'll fall in love with her also. I think that is where my wife wants this all to go.
 
Well, I just wish you well ... hope things turn out as all concerned would like.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Bella999 said:
Wife has agreed to have a talk with the other female about having me
as a "hall pass" swinging partner to start things off. I do like her, and we have had some great conversations over the last week or so talking about all kinds of things.


Who knows, maybe I'll fall in love with her also. I think that is where my wife wants this all to go.
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You didn't respond to anything anyone took the trouble to write above about how poly works for them and others, and how to define "success" in polyamory.

But by saying you've been talking to this "female" for a week or so, and thinking it is possible you'll fall in love with her, and that you think your wife wants you to fall in love with her, I guess you are giving polyamory-by-way-of-swinging a shot? Despite telling us you think polyamory kind of sucks because it is too full of "drama"? You're doing it anyway because your wife is in love with another, and you're damned if she's going to get all the sex with another fun?

Good luck with that.
 
Magdlyn said:
You didn't respond to anything ...
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Yeh. One of those situations where "lack of response" is a highly indicative response -- kinda like "fixed & dilated." ;)

Nothing new: ask questions, then tell answerers they're idiots for not choosing the predestined answer. Just fishing for some melodrama.

I only participate because such trolling sometimes brings out impressively thoughtful responses, & it's those people with whom I like to interact.

But I think we're all getting kinda bored now.
 
It seems to be the opinion of most here.... that "how polyamory works" is not any set formula. Certainly "love" can proliferate in many different forms or ways. I don't see our case or situation as being any different. It may be different than how most people here have come about their own situations, but wouldn't ours be different as well?

Coming from a swinging background, we do have a head start in many ways. That has been acknowledged, certainly in the poly book I have been reading.
I am highly attracted to women who can "swing" without drama. Just beams confidence and emotional sophistication to me. It's what I like. I think that is ok.

Last night was a very interesting evening. It went quite different than I would ever have imagined. I'm going to take today to process it a bit.
 
There are many who would also say that your swinging background is a detriment to fully embracing polyamory in an ethical, compassionate, loving way, not a headstart. Sure, many people come to it from swinging, many keep swinging while also having poly arrangements - but many would tell you that your reliance on a tit-for-tat, couple-centric, sex-focused approach you learned in swinging will be a huge roadblock in poly if you don't let quite a lot of it go.

You may get a lot out of this article from the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality:
Polyamory: What It Is and What It Isn't


.
 
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nycindie said:
There are many who would also say that your swinging background is a detriment to fully embracing polyamory in an ethical, compassionate, loving way, not a headstart. Sure, many people come to it from swinging, many keep swinging while also having poly arrangements - but many would tell you that your reliance on a tit-for-tat, couple-centric, sex-focused approach you learned in swinging will be a huge roadblock in poly if you don't let quite a lot of it go.

You may get a lot out of this article from the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality:
Polyamory: What It Is and What It Isn't


.
Click to expand...

We are not tit for tat swingers... nor couple centric... never have been, never will be. The majority of our playing has been MFM situations. Couples swapping is much more complex and difficult. We have done that many times, but it usually doesn't work for more than a couple dates... as there are just too many micro relationships going on.
I'm fine with her playing with other guys, but those situations have always been mutually agreed upon. Just letting either of us just do "whatever" hasn't worked, and I don't see it working in poly either. The fact I have had no say in this not agreed upon affair is just way out of bounds.
 
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What is swinging drama? (Karen, not trying to stray off topic here...)

Here are a few real life examples

The girlfriend agrees to the venue.... and all the people involved in the playing.

She walks out of the room in the middle of playing and disappears and no one has any idea why. She doesn't tell you for a week, and what she says makes no sense.

She encourages you to play with the wife of a couple, then rips you a new ass on the way home for doing so.

She bitches about how unattractive the guy was she played with... even though she initiated the whole thing.

She screams at you on the way home for having an orgasm with the other woman even though she gave her one earlier.

She sends a hate email to the other couple the next day even though she thanked them at the party for such a great time.

She invites a couple back to our hotel room then sends them a text in the car canceling because she says "sorry guys, we are getting too tired"... but she is not too tired to want to stop by her friends house on the way home and smoke 3 joints.

She suggests or even encourages you to go out and play separately as a single or as a "hall pass" husband. You do, then she doesn't speak to you for a week when you get home.

Anyway, these are all things ex's of mine have thrown at me over the years.
My wife however has never done any of this kind of garbage.
 
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