Not sure what you are alluding to. I am sorry if you are being treated poorly by someone right now.
In the general sense? IME dating some people like that? Here's what I think happens in their heads... I don't know if it helps you any or if it is just me talking to the air. FWIW?
So why is it that fear of losing the people we love the most makes us treat them shittier than anyone else?
It's a way to hold them at arms distance so they can't hurt you too bad when they leave.
Folks like this do not view themselves living their lives like "I am the captain of my own ship." They view themselves more like "leaf blown about in the wind." Things just happen TO them.
What sense is there in that?
If you hold them at arm's distance? They cannot see how "horrible" you are and then maybe they won't leave you too soon. (BONUS: you get to complain they never really loved the REAL you when they go.)
And if they DO leave you because you keep them at arm's distance? It just proves that they really didn't love you
anyway because they didn't take the trouble to climb the wall. (That you put up to keep them out. But let's not mention that, shall we?)
Both approaches reinforce a core belief of "I am not lovable." So both is a "Win" for the person holding that core belief. The belief gets reinforced either way.
Both approaches also let the person be "off the hook" for taking personal responsibility over their own behavior contributing to the situation making. It's all "the other guy doing it" or the "other guy not doing enough."
Translates as a win for the insecure person. It wasn't their fault! Nothing is ever their fault. "Poor me, nobody loves me" stuff. (Reinforces belief they are unloveable.)
And it makes for a great sob story for the next person they date... how the ex just never really loved them, etc.
It's not a healthy way of going, but there's "wins" all over the place! If you are not after being healthy and just are after the "win" of getting that wonky core belief reinforced? It's like hitting jackpot many times over.
And why does insecurity cause people to do crap that is the exact opposite of what would make sense.
Why does the blind person not see? Cuz blind.
Why does the deaf person not hear? Cuz deaf.
Why does the insecure person do insecure things that make no sense? Cuz insecure.
Until they decide to become secure? They will keep on keeping on like they have in the past.
Besides... being insecure and doing insecure things to sabotage their relationships helps them maintain the core belief of "I am not loveable." It works for them. Win!
Galagirl