Why do these people keep coming out of the woodwork?

[anomaly]

You say you do trust her, but I think you don't completely trust her and you don't like the fact that she identifies as poly. Whether you're in a closed or open relationship, there WILL be people who approach your partner. That's just life. It will happen. Some of them will be honourable, some of them won't. YOU CANNOT CONTROL THAT. I think that your feeling upset is about the fact that you would like to control those people and their actions. YOU CANNOT. You need to accept that fact first. Then, you need to figure out whether you really do trust your partner.

My personal experience: I have a partner who is poly and meets a ton of people who are interested in her. Some of them would prefer that she be primary with them and not me. I trust her to tell me what's happening and I trust her commitment to me. If she chooses to leave me to be with them? Well, that'll be her decision. I CANNOT CONTROL WHAT SHE DOES AND DOES NOT DO AND WHAT OTHERS DO TOWARDS HER. I'd hate to lose her but I am secure in the fact that I probably won't and that if I do, I will survive.

STOP LOOKING AT OTHER PEOPLE: you're projecting your lack of trust and self-confidence onto others. Look at yourself, your partner and the trust in your relationship. Really look - no excuses, no denial.

 

[CTF]

This is the issue, not the "losers" who you're turning your anger on, CTF. As has been said, if you had trust (whatever that means to you both) and a rock solid understanding with each other, no person or force in this world could evoke anything but mild amusement in response to these approaches. No matter how well or how little you or your wife know these men, the issue here is that your relationship with your wife is still quite shaky. That's not a judgement, it's just important for you to know. Perhaps your wife is sending out "available" signals, perhaps not. The bottom line is your perception that she is not 100% yours, as you very much want her to be.

In this forum community, we never try to convince anyone to adopt a poly attitude if it doesn't speak to their heart. Quite the opposite. The forum members here typically see monogamous partners struggling miserably to adapt to the poly that has come up in their relationship. Most of us counsel the mono partner to embrace his monogamous desires. It's a rare person who comes from a long life of satisfying monogamy and happily switches to having a poly partner, especially if any kind of secret relationship is involved. In your situation, as I recall, there's been quite a bit of information withheld, if no outright affair, and you are strongly against an open marriage of any kind. Your wife continues to be who she is (poly inclined) and this is why you rail against the "losers" who seemingly come out of the woodwork to tempt her. Nobody can come out of the woodwork or jump from the bushes and get into anyone's life unless that person is allowed in somehow. It just can't happen without emotional cooperation in both people.

How you see the situation sets the tone. Right now, you're a perfect cooperative component in the "wolves at the door" scenario, believing these men to be slobbering over your innocent wife once they get a whiff of her. If you don't like the way this feels, don't rail against the wolves. It's fruitless and it paints you and your wife as helpless victims. You never have to suffer with "the way things are." Never. Change your story, change your world.

I'll admit, things are still a bit shaky... Much better than before, but still not 100% yet. However, especially in this circumstance, it is this loser & miffed at. I don't know, call me old fashioned, but I am a firm believer in the notion that consent from both is required before propositioning someone. Could he have come to me for consent before saying a word to her? Yes. Would he have? Of course not. But Should he have? Absofreakinlutely. That is, if he really thought there was a chance. Otherwise, he should have just kept his mouth shut, if for nothing else, then to be able to preserve & maintain the friendship that they had.

I know that many on this site can be quite understanding & sensitive to mono partners like myself. And there is definitely no shortage of mono folk who come here to try & gain some understanding & insight, in an effort to help them discover who THEY are, and what THEY seek. And, for what it's worth, I thank each & every one of you for taking the time & listening to me, as well as putting in the effort to reply. I don't think it's a secret that my works can tend to frustrate a great many of you who don't identify in the same manner as I do...

That being said, it's difficult to explain WHY I get so upset. It's tough for me to verbalize WHY I still have a problem, even though she agrees to keep it closed. And yes, there is a bit of things seeming withheld, that tend to put me on alert. It's weird, I'm much more aware now. And things that didn't used to bother me, now bug me immensely. Movies & t.v. shows that display partners cheating on each other, or engaging in threesomes (I'm not talking about porn, but that would apply too), make me uncomfortable.

And as much as I want honesty & openness, a big part of me feels that, if there was one thing I wish she would have withheld, it would be telling me that she's ever had the desire to sleep with anyone outside of our marriage. And I realize that that sounds like I'm saying that I want her to suppress herself... But consider this... She tells me that she's poly, but has not had even the desire to act on it. Knows that I would never consent if she ever did want to, and is perfectly content with that. Now... Why even say anything if you know, and accept the outcome, and don't have any desire to change it? THIS is why I'm constantly confused.

 

[CTF]

You say you do trust her, but I think you don't completely trust her and you don't like the fact that she identifies as poly. Whether you're in a closed or open relationship, there WILL be people who approach your partner. That's just life. It will happen. Some of them will be honourable, some of them won't. YOU CANNOT CONTROL THAT. I think that your feeling upset is about the fact that you would like to control those people and their actions. YOU CANNOT. You need to accept that fact first. Then, you need to figure out whether you really do trust your partner.

My personal experience: I have a partner who is poly and meets a ton of people who are interested in her. Some of them would prefer that she be primary with them and not me. I trust her to tell me what's happening and I trust her commitment to me. If she chooses to leave me to be with them? Well, that'll be her decision. I CANNOT CONTROL WHAT SHE DOES AND DOES NOT DO AND WHAT OTHERS DO TOWARDS HER. I'd hate to lose her but I am secure in the fact that I probably won't and that if I do, I will survive.

STOP LOOKING AT OTHER PEOPLE: you're projecting your lack of trust and self-confidence onto others. Look at yourself, your partner and the trust in your relationship. Really look - no excuses, no denial.

I'm not going to lie... I don't like the fact that she identifies as poly. Not just that, I flat out HATE it. Nothing felt like a bigger slap in the face, than being told such a thing.

As far as trusting her, here's the thing. I certainly trust her not to act now. There was a time when I didn't because being told such a thing was a breach of trust, itself. The person she "loved", was someone she was spending an exorbitant about of time with, and it was like the rug being pulled out from under me. When it became time to call it off, there were a few hiccups during the process, that made me question if/when she was ever going to choose what we agreed to, or if I was going to have to leave & go my own direction.

The present is a different story. I do have complete faith in her remaining faithful. But the simple fact is this... For 19 (married for 17) years, we've been together, and it couldn't have been more crystal clear that, I am monogamous, and could never, ever ever be on board with either of us having another sexual partner. No open marriages, no swinging, no one time threesome, not even a "which celebrity gets a free pass?" discussion. So any sort of hint that would allow these people to approach her to consider it, are crossing a line. Now, if she doesn't stop them in their tracks, then it's on her too. I'm sorry, but one does not proposition a married woman/man without first gaining consent from their spouse.

 

[Magdlyn]

Umm, men proposition me on ok cupid multiple times a day. Not one of them has ever said, give me your gf's profile so I can ask her permission to proposition you/ask you out.

You do not own your wife. You don't get to give her permission to do this or that with her body. Her body belongs to her.

If men are coming on to her, she can make the choice to not spend so much time gaming. She can firmly say, thanks, but no thanks. She can tell you, or not tell you, that men are coming on to her. It seems to upset you when she tells you that someone came on to her. Would you like her to stop telling you?

You know, most mono couples do have to deal with feeling attracted to others now and then, despite being mono. Most mono/married women are occasionally hit on by men who do not care if they are married and mono, married and open, married and a swinger, or single! Horny boys will be horny.

It is better to have a plan agreed on by you and your wife (not between you and every Tom, hard Dick or Harry) on how to proceed with her being attracted to others, and others being attracted to her.

Some mono people NEVER "look at another man/woman." Most mono people do get attractions from time to time. It's part of life. Just shoving it under the carpet makes a very big lump that is easy to trip over.

 

[FallenAngelina]

...I am a firm believer in the notion that consent from both is required before propositioning someone.

I....one does not proposition a married woman/man without first gaining consent from their spouse.

In what century and in what culture did anyone approach a spouse before flirtation and arranging rendezvouses? You do know that this idea of yours, to gain consent of all involved, is super duper new fashioned and only the most sexually progressive person would even consider it, don't you? In what world would this notion be considered "old fashioned?"

....for what it's worth, I thank each & every one of you for taking the time & listening to me, as well as putting in the effort to reply.

I don't agree at all with your outlook on life, but I find you engaging and sincere and FWIW, I appreciate your willingness to lay out your personal life for all of us to discuss.

 

[CTF]

Umm, men proposition me on ok cupid multiple times a day. Not one of them has ever said, give me your gf's profile so I can ask her permission to proposition you/ask you out.

You do not own your wife. You don't get to give her permission to do this or that with her body. Her body belongs to her.

If men are coming on to her, she can make the choice to not spend so much time gaming. She can firmly say, thanks, but no thanks. She can tell you, or not tell you, that men are coming on to her. It seems to upset you when she tells you that someone came on to her. Would you like her to stop telling you?

You know, most mono couples do have to deal with feeling attracted to others now and then, despite being mono. Most mono/married women are occasionally hit on by men who do not care if they are married and mono, married and open, married and a swinger, or single! Horny boys will be horny.

It is better to have a plan agreed on by you and your wife (not between you and every Tom, hard Dick or Harry) on how to proceed with her being attracted to others, and others being attracted to her.

Some mono people NEVER "look at another man/woman." Most mono people do get attractions from time to time. It's part of life. Just shoving it under the carpet makes a very big lump that is easy to trip over.

First of all, I NEVER said I needed "permission", I said consent. No one may need my permission, and she is certainly free to do with her body as she wishes, even if it means losing our marriage. But to not ensure the other partner's consent, is to violate the trust of two people.

As for ok cupid, That's a dating site, correct? Everyone on there, one would think, knows why each other is there. My wife isn't making friends on dating sites...

And we DO have a plan. Simply put, there is no proceeding on attraction. And just so we're clear, these rules apply to ME as well. I have told her multiple times, that anyone of my friends that I associate with, that she doesn't already, are just as accessible to her as they are to me. I have also told them, that should my wife ever try to contact them, not to avoid her. They know that my wife & kids are more important to me that will ever be. And there is no room in my life for anyone who cannot accept that.

I also fully acknowledge that people (whether mono or poly) do get attractions to other people. But this isn't about having an attraction, nor is this about "looking" at other men/women... It's about what one does when they have those attractions. I'm not trying to control anyone's mind. If someone fantasizes about my wife, oh well... The problem is, that when people do, in certain circumstances, they cross the boundary when they choose to open their mouth about it. I know that there seems to be this sense of "nobility" in taking a chance on someone, even if they feel it's a long shot, but there's nothing noble about doing it when there's a great probability that you're going to hurt some feelings in the process. And it's a selfish person that would choose his own feelings & risking breaking up a marriage. That's not sweeping it under the rug, it's having the common courtesy in not opening up Pandora's box.

And while I recognize that it exists, justifying it as "horny boys will be horny boys" is not a valid excuse in my opinion. Just because we have hormones, does NOT alleviate us from the responsibilities of our actions.

 

[CTF]

In what century and in what culture did anyone approach a spouse before flirtation and arranging rendezvouses? You do know that this idea of yours, to gain consent of all involved, is super duper new fashioned and only the most sexually progressive person would even consider it, don't you? In what world would this notion be considered "old fashioned?"



I don't agree at all with your outlook on life, but I find you engaging and sincere and FWIW, I appreciate your willingness to lay out your personal life for all of us to discuss.

Well, then I'm "new fashioned"... Either way, that isn't the point. The point is, that not attempting to gain consent from the spouse before making a move on someone, is woefully inconsiderate.

Furthermore, I'm not surprised to know that you (nor many others) disagree with my outlook, but I do appreciate your noticing my sincerity. I put my life out there, because this is really the only method in which I can do so. While I can assure you that I do not twist the story, nor am I fabricating anything, the ability to remain anonymous, is the only way I can open up. As I've said in posts in the past, I'm an extremely private person in real life. I would never tell the vast majority of the things I say here to ANYONE I know. Aside from my wife, of course, who already knows.

 

[KC43]

Personally, I can't see how it is reasonable or logical in any universe to expect someone to approach a total stranger and say, "Hey, are you okay if I tell your wife I want to fuck her?"

They have communication with your wife. Not with you. So why would it even be a thing for them to go to you to ask whether it's okay with you to flirt with or hit on her? It is NOT up to the men hitting on your wife to find out whether you consent. It is up to *your wife* to tell them she isn't available. SHE is the one who needs to know whether or not you consent, and if you don't, SHE is the one who needs to relay that message.

You don't own her. She is not your property. She can do whatever the bloody hell she wants, including fucking every man she games with if she so desires--and the men do NOT need your consent to do so. Nor does she; she can choose to do it even knowing you don't consent, though she would have to be prepared to deal with the consequences.

She isn't a dollie that men are asking to play with. She is a thinking, intelligent, rational human being who gets to make her own decisions.

 

[FallenAngelina]

CTF, why are you so focused on the bad behavior of all these men? If you and your wife have a good understanding, then you and your wife have a good understanding. Why give one thought to how other people "should" behave? Why does it upset you if it has no bearing on your marriage? The world is full of all sorts of bad behavior but if you don't hook into it, it really can't rock you one way or the other.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I would never tell the vast majority of the things I say here to ANYONE I know.

I'd imagine that 95% of the people in this forum community (and any online forum community) feel the same.

 

[CTF]

Personally, I can't see how it is reasonable or logical in any universe to expect someone to approach a total stranger and say, "Hey, are you okay if I tell your wife I want to fuck her?"

They have communication with your wife. Not with you. So why would it even be a thing for them to go to you to ask whether it's okay with you to flirt with or hit on her? It is NOT up to the men hitting on your wife to find out whether you consent. It is up to *your wife* to tell them she isn't available. SHE is the one who needs to know whether or not you consent, and if you don't, SHE is the one who needs to relay that message.

You don't own her. She is not your property. She can do whatever the bloody hell she wants, including fucking every man she games with if she so desires--and the men do NOT need your consent to do so. Nor does she; she can choose to do it even knowing you don't consent, though she would have to be prepared to deal with the consequences.

She isn't a dollie that men are asking to play with. She is a thinking, intelligent, rational human being who gets to make her own decisions.

First of all, you're assuming this guy is a total stranger. He's not. While it's true that my wife talks to him more than I do, I do know him. I've met him face to face, he's been in my house for crissakes.

Now, it may not seem practical, but when someone KNOWS they're befriending a married woman, it is absolutely his DUTY to discover whether or not her husband would consent to the idea.

Of course I don't "own" her. Of course she can "do whatever she please", and yes, she would have to deal with the consequence of losing her marriage if she chose to overstep those bounds... I never said otherwise.... In fact, I said that very thing in a previous post (along with several other times on other posts). She doesn't need my consent to do it, but she does if she would choose to continue this marriage.... Honestly, you're speaking on a point that doesn't even need to be mentioned.

Now, just because one has primary communication with her, DOES NOT absolve them of the responsibility of communicating their desires with me. I don't care if you don't find that logical. And for the record, we're not talking about "flirting"... We're talking about flat out asking her to uproot her life, and move 2000 miles away to start a new one with him. I truly find it fascinating that I've stated what his intentions were, and yet, so far, I keep getting responses, that reduce it to harmless flirting.

The point is this... It does take two to tango. My wife - to her credit - shot him down. I am NOT upset with her in the least. I'm annoyed & irritated at the nerve of someone who would dare to suggest such a thing, while knowing that consent from me never was, nor ever would be there. Not just for the sex, but why on Earth would I say "sure honey, I'm alright with you leaving me & moving to Chicago"... I learned as a child never to ask questions you already know the answer to.

But, of course, you choose to look at this as though I see her as "property", ignoring the simple fact that I'm just looking for people to be respectful of boundaries that they already know are in place.

 

[CTF]

CTF, why are you so focused on the bad behavior of all these men? If you and your wife have a good understanding, then you and your wife have a good understanding. Why give one thought to how other people "should" behave? Why does it upset you if it has no bearing on your marriage? The world is full of all sorts of bad behavior but if you don't hook into it, it really can't rock you one way or the other.

I'm upset because I trusted him. He knew the boundaries and ignored them anyway. Now, it doesn't mean that I'm going to obsess about payback or anything... but to be irritated at someone who betrays your trust is not an inappropriate reaction.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I'm upset because I trusted him. He knew the boundaries and ignored them anyway. Now, it doesn't mean that I'm going to obsess about payback or anything... but to be irritated at someone who betrays your trust is not an inappropriate reaction.

It's not (to me) about what is appropriate, it's about the fact that you have choices here and you are choosing to be upset and look at this as a huge betrayal when you have the option to look at it as a confirmation of your bond with your wife. You can stand in your corner and be right and be angry or you can consider a different perspective offered by a few people on the internet, a perspective that very likely would feel a whole lot better and would focus on the strength of your marriage rather than on the vulnerability of it. This isn't about whether you're appropriately angry or right about proper behavior, this is about the fact that you always have a choice about the way you look at people, which greatly influences the way things evolve in your life. Why would you hang onto feeling slighted and betrayed (which I presume feel bad) when you could take the more pleasing route and feel simply amused and ever more bonded to your wife? The perspective you take will have everything to do with "how things go" from here forward. You're never a slave to how you look at a situation and thus, never a slave to your feelings. Just because you felt dismayed and betrayed when you opened this thread doesn't mean that you can't decide to think about all of this differently today and in the process, feel better and set (or keep) your marriage on a positive course.

 

[CTF]

It's not (to me) about what is appropriate, it's about the fact that you have choices here and you are choosing to be upset and look at this as a huge betrayal when you have the option to look at it as a confirmation of your bond with your wife. You can stand in your corner and be right and be angry or you can consider a different perspective offered by a few people on the internet, a perspective that very likely would feel a whole lot better and would focus on the strength of your marriage rather than on the vulnerability of it. This isn't about whether you're appropriately angry or right about proper behavior, this is about the fact that you always have a choice about the way you look at people which greatly influences the way things evolve in your life. Why would you hang onto feeling slighted and betrayed (which I presume feel bad) when you could take the more pleasing route and feel simply amused and ever more bonded to your wife? The perspective you take will have everything to do with "how things go" from here forward. You're never a slave to how you look at a situation and thus, never a slave to your feelings. Just because you felt dismayed and betrayed when you opened this thread doesn't mean that you can't decide to think about all of this differently today and in the process, feel better and set (or keep) your marriage on a positive course.

I understand what you're saying... The truth is, my wife & I had been done with this conversation since we first talked about it on Monday. And I do look at how she handled it as a testament to her fidelity, and have the confidence that she can fight off jackasses like this... But it doesn't mean that don't view their behavior as jackass-ish.

I guess where things hit a nerve on here, is that from the moment I brought it up, it seemed as though my feelings were dismissed as being irrational for getting upset that someone flirted with my wife without asking me first. This was much more serious than that. We're talking about a "trusted friend", who clearly showed no regard for the marriage she was in, and attempted to lure her away from her life. Now yes, she handled it just fine, and I'm happy with her for her actions in this case, but I don't see how viewing him as accountable for crossing the line is an unreasonable expectation.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I guess where things hit a nerve on here, is that from the moment I brought it up, it seemed as though my feelings were dismissed as being irrational for getting upset that someone flirted with my wife without asking me first. This was much more serious than that. We're talking about a "trusted friend", who clearly showed no regard for the marriage she was in, and attempted to lure her away from her life.

Your original viewpoint is actually quite rational and you could likely find hundreds who would agree that he was an ass and leave it at that. But how does that really help you get to a better place in your life? We know you well enough (thanks to your openness and bravery to honestly share a difficult personal situation with us over the months) to know that there was much more in your upset than simply being annoyed at a guy who made an ass move. Your opening line in this thread even reminds us that what's going on here is not just that a trusted friend wronged you, but that this episode has opened old wounds for you, presumably wounds that have not completely healed yet. I'd say that that the posters in this thread were not dismissing you, but were seeing deeper into what was really troubling you because yeah, we kinda do know you and the backstory to all of this.

Your opening line:

It never fails... Just when I seem to be feeling better about leaving certain people/events in the past, others seem to try & weasel their way back in.

That sounds to me as though you are still tender about your wife's exposure to other men. I think most of the responses in this thread were from people who were urging you not to focus on the behavior of other men (whether it's normal or everyday or bad or rude or whatever) but to focus on what's really eating you and that is that the intrusion of this man has brought to light that you're perhaps not at peace about your marriage.

 

[GalaGirl]

It's reasonable to be upset with him.

"What would you like next?" is where I was at with it.

You could consider the apology he made to you and wife through wife "good enough" apology.

If it isn't good enough? Then it's not good enough.

You could tell him you prefer he apologize directly to you.

Galagirl

 

[CTF]

Your original viewpoint is actually quite rational and you could likely find hundreds who would agree that he was an ass and leave it at that. But how does that really help you get to a better place in your life? We know you well enough (thanks to your openness and bravery to honestly share a difficult personal situation with us over the months) to know that there was much more in your upset than simply being annoyed at a guy who made an ass move. Your opening line in this thread even reminds us that what's going on here is not just that a trusted friend wronged you, but that this episode has opened old wounds for you, presumably wounds that have not completely healed yet. I'd say that that the posters in this thread were not dismissing you, but were seeing deeper into what was really troubling you because yeah, we kinda do know you and the backstory to all of this.

Your opening line:


That sounds to me as though you are still tender about your wife's exposure to other men. I think most of the responses in this thread were from people who were urging you not to focus on the behavior of other men (whether it's normal or everyday or bad or rude or whatever) but to focus on what's really eating you and that is that the intrusion of this man has brought to light that you're perhaps not at peace about your marriage.

There is a lot of truth in that. Yes, I'm still tender about it. Granted, better than I was 9 months ago, but those wounds cut deeply. I know that most here (at least, those who where here at the time I first signed on) are aware of my back story. However, in this circumstance, with this guy, there was something different than how the other part of the story went. When she first told me about Chicago's actions (the one in question), it was brought up during another discussion about Jersey (the one in question at the time she came out last summer). She pointed out how she was able to handle the advances of others. At the time, we were discussing the lack of trust, in a general sense. Not just pertaining to her, but not trusting the others. And Chicago was an example of her being able to say "NO", and go no further.

The truth is, I was conflicted at the time. So many questions... Was she saying no, and yes to the other? Or was she using Chicago as an illustration that she would, and could say no to any of them? I try desperately to cling to the latter, but the way things were revealed from the get go, I still had that little voice telling me "what if".

Despite being upset, I really do take him as a jackass & leave it at that. My wife knows how I feel about him, and there is no need to discuss it with her further. As long as the matter is settled, and that stunt doesn't get pulled again, then we move on.

So if I misread what others suggested, then fair enough. I just felt that it was worth pointing out that we weren't talking about "flirting", as was mentioned in the thread.

At the end of the day, yes... I do still have pain with the poly stuff. With the combination of how our events transpired, and the fact that I was always so adamantly against it since forever. I don't expect anyone who is poly to truly grasp how I feel, but I can honestly say, that it was some of the worst news I've heard in my life. I still have occasional nightmares, the therapy does nothing for those. I dread seeing June 12 on the calendar, I can't look at the fire sprinkler in our bedroom, because that's all I stared at for hours when she told me. I twinge every time I hear a certain name (difficult, because I have a brother in law with the same name, and I can't even address him by it anymore). And more. The long & short of it, as much progress as I've made, it still hurts very much.

 

[CTF]

It's reasonable to be upset with him.

"What would you like next?" is where I was at with it.

You could consider the apology he made to you and wife through wife "good enough" apology.

If it isn't good enough? Then it's not good enough.

You could tell him you prefer he apologize directly to you.

Galagirl

Well, what I do next, is nothing. I try to forget it as best I can.

Do I consider the apology through my wife good enough? No.

As for him apologizing to me directly, that would at least gain a little of my respect, but I can't honestly say at this point & time whether or not I would even accept that. While I did tell my wife that, if he was truly sorry to me, then he should tell me himself, I will not ask for an apology... In my opinion, apologies lose sincerity when you have to ask for them. Let him apologize to me, unsolicited, and we'll take it from there. Although, I don't expect it to happen, and am not holding my breath. And if it doesn't, oh well.

 

[kdt26417]

Hey CTF,

Sorry to hear this Chicago guy stirred up trouble and reopened some old wounds. I think I have a better idea now of how severe the Jersey guy thing was for you. I know you trust your wife but it wouldn't surprise me if you had some residual doubts and if you wondered if you could trust her 100%.

It's hard for me to imagine the Chicago guy propositioning your wife if he really thought he had zero chance of success. That doesn't make sense. But, I won't try to figure out what he was thinking, for some reason he decided it was a smart thing to do. Maybe he's just not a very smart guy?

Anyway, I hope people like him will stop coming out of the woodwork. You would think the supply of eligible jerks would run out after awhile!

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I guess I'm different.

I don't consider stating my preference like "My wife told me you apologized to her and to me through her. I do not deal in second hand apologies. I expect and prefer apologies to me to be issued directly to me. Not come through my wife" as asking the dude to apologize.

I'm making my line in the sand crystal clear. Like you I wouldn't hold my breath. He either steps up and does it or not, but it's not like he can claim "ignorance" when I have told him myself where the line is with me.

And then my wife can't complain to me how I don't like the guy or how I don't give him "chances."

1) I don't like him coming on to my wife asking her to run off with him to being with.

2) I stated my line in the sand and he did not take opportunity to clear it up with me by apologizing directly. Making me like him even LESS.

Then I would write him off and move on.

Galagirl