I recently entered into a relationship with a new girl, and she is poly. At the time we started talking and getting to know each other I was the only one she was involved with. When she asked me to be her girlfriend I said yes, but then after I said yes she told be about another girl who she had recently started talking to as well. At this point the other girl didn't know about me or that my partner is poly. She was told after I said yes. I am 100% OK with her having another partner, and we have been very clear with each other on what we want and what we can handle right now. This is the first time I have been involved in a poly relationship. My problem is that the other girl is also new to everything and is reacting completely different about it. I feel a strong need to know her and hopefully get alone with her. She wants absolutely nothing to do with me. She has made it clear to my partner that she never wants to meet or hear about me. This is making it very difficult for me to deal with the situation. She has demanded that weekends are her time because they are her days off. I work over nights and my nights off are monday tuesday. She actually works with my partner indirectly, they work with each other 2 or 3 times a week. She has also used work as an excuse to get my partner to cancel plans with me once already. I made it very clear that this is not OK and my partner limited their meeting that evening to work only and made sure she didn't stay over. Then she gets to have the weekends too. If I want to spend time with my partner I am expected to make the plans weeks in advance and hope she hasn't tried to pull something like a set date night every saturday... I feel like I am being very cooperative and understanding. I just don't know what to do.
What to do when my partners other partner hates me.
- Thread starter hmaviab
- Start date
Hi hmaviab,
Can I ask, why does your partner make you plan dates weeks in advance? Does she make her other (newer) partner do the same?
It's nice when metamours can hang out and be friends, but it's not a requirement. In your situation, with how adverse the other partner is towards you, I would suggest shelving the idea of meeting up with her. Let your girlfriend figure out how to balance things in the V configuration.
It sounds like you're frustrated; I know I would be.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Can I ask, why does your partner make you plan dates weeks in advance? Does she make her other (newer) partner do the same?
It's nice when metamours can hang out and be friends, but it's not a requirement. In your situation, with how adverse the other partner is towards you, I would suggest shelving the idea of meeting up with her. Let your girlfriend figure out how to balance things in the V configuration.
It sounds like you're frustrated; I know I would be.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
The weeks in advance thing is a combination of all of us. For me to get a weekend off I have to request it at work a full month in advance. That does not however, mean I can't do things during the day. I loved being able to say lets go to the farmers market saturday morning. It is only sense things became official between me and my partner that the other girl has claimed weekends completely because I get monday and tuesday nights. Bed time is super early, usually before 10, on week nights because my partner works very early in the morning. They work the same hours. They could easily have sleepovers on work nights and both leave for work in the morning. I would be willing to do the same thing if I had a day shift job. Now we can't do anything spontaneous like that. The other girl wants that planned in advance to because its on her day. She also rejected my suggestion of me monday tuesday, her wednesday thursday and we alternate weekends. I am even willing to let her make plans with my partner on my weekends after I've left for work for the night. I feel like I am giving everything, and she wont meet me anywhere even close to the middle. I am scared of her. I feel like she wants my place in my partners life. When I said yes we did discuss dynamics and agreed that at least for now i need the primary secondary structure. My girlfriend made it very clear for me that I am primary in her life. Big decisions will be made together. I love the idea of family and extended family.
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Let me repeat that back so I know I got it, right ok? You correct me if I am wrong. I'm going to take the liberty of giving them generic names -- but you change those if you want, ok? I just track better with some names.
BACKGROUND
TYPE OF "V"
PROBLEM WITH KNOWN DAYS OFF
So... basically you have a problem with Apple there. Instead of alternating her weekends, she gave them all to Banana. Have you asked Apple if she's willing to change to alternating weekends? It's Apple's time. She chooses what to do with it. If she says no, she's giving them all to Banana? You could (live with it and stop calling this model primary-secondary) or (end it because you want to have some weekends time with a dating partner.)
PROBLEM WITH MAKING SPONTANEOUS DATES WITH APPLE
So ask her out. Let Apple deal with her calendar. She can tell you "Yes, I am free then." or she can say "No, I am not free then." Keep it simple.
If Banana has a cow over Apple's choices? That's over on THEIR side of the V. That isn't your problem. Apple can handle her problems with Banana.
If she's oversharing that stuff on YOUR side of the V? Tell Apple you are not the person for that job. This is a "separate V" model, so Apple best vent to a friend or someone else OUTSIDE the system. You are not the listening person for Banana problems.
PROBLEM WITH APPLE BAILING ON DATES
That I see as an unresolved problem. Dealt with that one day, but Apple has not said what she will do in future to keep the "V" separate and stop Banana from intruding.
You could ask Apple what she plans to do in future. You can also define what are acceptable reasons to break a date -- illness, medical emergency, car break down, etc. so you are both clear. Make some kind of agreement and hold each other accountable.
Then you could set some consequences YOU can do if Apple doesn't follow through on her agreement with you. You could stop dating her because she keeps bailing on dates for unacceptable reasons.
Sort it out, then hold her accountable would be my advice.
You seem distracted by Banana. Just check out and let Banana be Apple's problem.
That's your problem right now. Apple is not keeping her agreements with you. This is a primary-secondary V for now, and Apple is not treating you primary.
GL!
Galagirl
BACKGROUND
- I recently started dating a poly girl, "Apple."
- After I agreed to be her GF, she told me about this other girl that she's dating -- "Banana." I'm ok with her dating other people.
- Apple did not tell Banana that she is poly and already had a GF (me) ahead of time.
- Banana agreed to date Apple thinking it was just her and Apple.
- When Banana learned about me and poly? Rather than ending it with Apple because Apple withheld information, she agreed to be in a poly "V" situation anyway.
TYPE OF "V"
- This is a primary-secondary "separate V" model. I am Apple's primary. Banana is Apple's secondary. (All agreed to this model?)
- I would be willing to get to know Banana and try to get along with her. I would be willing to change to co-primary model over time.
- Banana wants nothing to do with me. She told Apple she never wants to meet or hear about me.
PROBLEM WITH KNOWN DAYS OFF
- I am expected to make some plans ahead of time -- we have challenging work schedules and while we can get days off at other times, we have to put in for them at work.
- I work over nights and my nights off are Mon and Tuesday. As a result, Banana demanded Sat and Sun for her.
- Banana rejected my suggestion of me monday tuesday, her wednesday thursday and we alternate weekends.
- Apple agreed to give her weekend time to Banana rather than alternate weekends.
So... basically you have a problem with Apple there. Instead of alternating her weekends, she gave them all to Banana. Have you asked Apple if she's willing to change to alternating weekends? It's Apple's time. She chooses what to do with it. If she says no, she's giving them all to Banana? You could (live with it and stop calling this model primary-secondary) or (end it because you want to have some weekends time with a dating partner.)
PROBLEM WITH MAKING SPONTANEOUS DATES WITH APPLE
- I also want to ask Apple out on spontaneous dates.
So ask her out. Let Apple deal with her calendar. She can tell you "Yes, I am free then." or she can say "No, I am not free then." Keep it simple.
If Banana has a cow over Apple's choices? That's over on THEIR side of the V. That isn't your problem. Apple can handle her problems with Banana.
If she's oversharing that stuff on YOUR side of the V? Tell Apple you are not the person for that job. This is a "separate V" model, so Apple best vent to a friend or someone else OUTSIDE the system. You are not the listening person for Banana problems.
PROBLEM WITH APPLE BAILING ON DATES
- Banana intrudes on our time together. For example -- since they work together she comes up with work meetings they have to do on our date nights. Then Apple goes.
- I have a problem with Apple bailing on our dates. I told her this is not ok. On that day, Apple limited it to the work meeting and did not stay over. In future, Apple will do _____ to prevent her other partner intruding over on our time.
That I see as an unresolved problem. Dealt with that one day, but Apple has not said what she will do in future to keep the "V" separate and stop Banana from intruding.
You could ask Apple what she plans to do in future. You can also define what are acceptable reasons to break a date -- illness, medical emergency, car break down, etc. so you are both clear. Make some kind of agreement and hold each other accountable.
Then you could set some consequences YOU can do if Apple doesn't follow through on her agreement with you. You could stop dating her because she keeps bailing on dates for unacceptable reasons.
Sort it out, then hold her accountable would be my advice.
You seem distracted by Banana. Just check out and let Banana be Apple's problem.
That's your problem right now. Apple is not keeping her agreements with you. This is a primary-secondary V for now, and Apple is not treating you primary.
GL!
Galagirl
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My problem with the weekend situation is that Banana has already tried to have my plans with apple cancelled because it is on a weekend. 3 weeks ago Apple and I made plans for this coming Saturday and i requested the time off from work. Banana thinks it should be void because it was set before she knew the entire situation. Apple has made it clear that she and I will still be going out saturday night, however I am now being told that I have to be up and out by noon (a time picked by banana) because she wants to do something (work related and is actually something that must be done by monday) sunday afternoon. When Apple and I go out dancing we don't get home until close to 6am. We both drink more than we should and i need to sleep for at least 8 hours before it is safe for me to drive. So now she is requiring us to change how we spend our nights out.
In chronological order here's what I see:
You could say "Banana, you prefer not to to meet or hear about me yet you are calling my phone. You could not do that. You could ask Apple out on Apple's phone. I am going to hang up now. You go ahead and call Apple." Then hang up.
You can maintain your boundaries with Banana. "Separate V" means SEPARATE.
When Banana calls Apple on her phone? Apple can restate her boundary. "Banana, I see you want to work together on this thing Sunday. You are free to do that. Work on it on your own. I already have plans for Saturday and Sunday. I will not be working. I am not available until ____." Then she can hang up and not get sucked into a circular argument. If there's things to discuss further, she can do it on (Apple + Banana) time on ____. Not on (Apple + you) time over the weekend date.
Apple can maintain her boundaries with Banana.
And you can each decline to change anything about that because it is on the (Apple + you) side of the V. Maintain it separate, and maintain your boundaries.
Banana is Apple's problem. Unless Banana is calling to tell you Apple was in a car accident or something, she doesn't need to be calling your phone to ask Apple out. She can call Apple's phone to ask her out. Apple can deal with it there.
It is also Apple's home. When Apple has guests in her home, she can tell the guest when to leave. Not Banana. Apple could tell Banana not to be bossing her guests around. It is her house, she deals with her guests. Apple can manage her calendar, her time, and her guests in her home.
Stick to your personal boundaries: Tell Banana not to be calling you.
Stick to your boundaries: Tell Apple you expect her to deal with Banana. Tell Apple you expect Apple to keep her agreements with you.
If it turns out Apple is a sloppy hinge who promises you a (primary-secondary "separate V" model) but actually brings you a big ol' mess? You can choose to end it because she's a sloppy hinge.
Keep it WAY simpler on yourself.
Galagirl
- 3 weeks ago Apple and I made plans for this coming Saturday and i requested the time off from work.
- Banana thinks it should be void because it was set before she knew the entire situation.
- Apple has made it clear that she and I will still be going out saturday night, and we go dancing/drinking and use Sunday to recover.
- Banana is now acting out. She's telling me I have to be up and out of Apple's home by Noon because Banana wants to do something work related Sunday afternoon with Apple. When the work thing doesn't have to happen til Monday.
You could say "Banana, you prefer not to to meet or hear about me yet you are calling my phone. You could not do that. You could ask Apple out on Apple's phone. I am going to hang up now. You go ahead and call Apple." Then hang up.
You can maintain your boundaries with Banana. "Separate V" means SEPARATE.
When Banana calls Apple on her phone? Apple can restate her boundary. "Banana, I see you want to work together on this thing Sunday. You are free to do that. Work on it on your own. I already have plans for Saturday and Sunday. I will not be working. I am not available until ____." Then she can hang up and not get sucked into a circular argument. If there's things to discuss further, she can do it on (Apple + Banana) time on ____. Not on (Apple + you) time over the weekend date.
Apple can maintain her boundaries with Banana.
And you can each decline to change anything about that because it is on the (Apple + you) side of the V. Maintain it separate, and maintain your boundaries.
Banana is Apple's problem. Unless Banana is calling to tell you Apple was in a car accident or something, she doesn't need to be calling your phone to ask Apple out. She can call Apple's phone to ask her out. Apple can deal with it there.
It is also Apple's home. When Apple has guests in her home, she can tell the guest when to leave. Not Banana. Apple could tell Banana not to be bossing her guests around. It is her house, she deals with her guests. Apple can manage her calendar, her time, and her guests in her home.
Stick to your personal boundaries: Tell Banana not to be calling you.
Stick to your boundaries: Tell Apple you expect her to deal with Banana. Tell Apple you expect Apple to keep her agreements with you.
If it turns out Apple is a sloppy hinge who promises you a (primary-secondary "separate V" model) but actually brings you a big ol' mess? You can choose to end it because she's a sloppy hinge.
Keep it WAY simpler on yourself.
Galagirl
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IndieSolo
Active member
Tell your girlfriend NO. Tell her you will not tolerate her other girlfriend making up rules for your relationship. Tell your girlfriend she needs to stop involving your metamour in issues that affect you, because that is disrespectful to you. It should be first come, first served - whoever makes plans with her first gets a say about those plans. No one should be adjusting anyone else's plans for themselves. Your girlfriend needs to manage her relationships and being a hinge better.
Dagferi
Well-known member
This a 110% I am the hinge between my two husbands. I do not tolerate one trying to dictate anything about the others relationship with me.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
That's a LOT of regular drinking, even if this is youthful bacchanalia. I understand that love situations can be quite compelling and of course you want to get your boundaries in order, but I'd be asking myself why I'm drinking so much on a regular basis. Messy and upsetting boundary situations never just come into our lives out of nowhere.
opalescent
Active member
Every few weeks is a regular pattern.
If you are managing your life just fine, no worries. But that level of binge drinking can cause problems.
And, yeah, sounds like your mutual girlfriend has to manage some boundaries between her relationships a bit better. It can take time to sort these things out.
It also reads like your girlfriend having another partner was dropped on your metamour out of the blue. You started seeing your girlfriend and at that point, your girlfriend told the other person she was seeing that hey, I'm poly at that point? Is that right? If so, while it doesn't excuse disliking you, they are in a situation they did not know about, may not be sure they want, and don't have any experience with.
Some compassion for them may be helpful for you. I find it helpful to assume the best of other people (until they definitively prove otherwise) - way less stressful. Good luck!
My girlfriend(Apple) and I had been seeing each other casually for a a while. She met the other girl(Banana) after we started seeing each other but before we became official. Banana was not aware of the poly stuff at that point and was informed when Apple and i decided to lable ourselves. I am trying very hard to be compassionate and understanding. This is my first poly relationship, but i was aware going in before I said yes to the relationship. Apple and I do not believe in a don't ask don't tell policy. We have a ask and I will tell policy. No information is given to me unless I want to know.
I did speak with Apple about the division of weekends. I am very happy to report that Apple responded by informing banana that she could not clame all weekends as Apple has other commitments that she must honour in addition to just spending time with banana.
I did speak with Apple about the division of weekends. I am very happy to report that Apple responded by informing banana that she could not clame all weekends as Apple has other commitments that she must honour in addition to just spending time with banana.
Spork
Active member
Hm. At first I was thinking, "I wouldn't like this...not at all..." But that's not entirely true/fair. Because in fact I don't know all of my metas...Fire has at least one other man in her life that I've never met. I would have issues with vibes of hostility, but not with "I don't care, it's none of my business, I don't need to meet her" thing. As for schedules, well...calendars help. But the only way I've found that my group can operate reasonably smoothly is when we all understand that we're busy adults with busy lives. One of us will say, "Does anyone want to go do X" and the rest either jump on board or not. If it's a set date, we all agree and lock it into the calendar. If it's spontaneous (we often do dinner dates like that) then people either can or can't, and nobody gets upset if the answer is "Sorry I can't, I've got a thing." It helps a lot for all of us to be pretty easygoing about stuff.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Even every few weeks - my point is still that messy and upsetting boundary situations never just come into our lives out of nowhere. I'd be asking myself why I need to drink to that extent at all. This isn't just a matter of practical scheduling and figuring out what is fair. This is a painful, messy boundary situation and there's likely a connection between your being attracted to it and your binge drinking. When you're young, many call it just having a good time, but as the years go by, the connection between excessive drinking and painful relationships (hopefully) grows clearer. They are connected and there is often a painful roots cause of both. Things get better when you realize that you're not at the mercy of your past, nor must you live bandied about by the actions of others. Seeing the connection between excessive, regular drinking and pain in relationships is often a good place to start.
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Then do not ask Apple what's going on with Banana unless it's something you NEED to know like sex health labs so your own sex health remains in check.
If Apple is having calendar date problems with Banana or problems with Banana having a cow -- let them be Apple's problems. If she starts telling you, be firm and remind her you did NOT ask to hear about those things. Apple is the one picking Banana out as a dating partner, not you.
You are picking Apple out. And if Apple cannot handle having multiple partners without going all "sloppy hinge"? And you've given her a fair chance at sorting her skills out and she still doesn't get it together? You could stop picking Apple out. You could stop participating in this "V."
Hard to feel maybe, but it is pretty straightforward in actions.
Good. Glad you spoke up. You have Mon & Tues and alternate weekends now. That seems fair. You could check in on that every X months -- just to see if it still works out. Sometimes people's job schedules change.
Did you also tell Apple that dating Banana is her deal, and that you expect Apple to keep the "V" SEPARATE and stop leaking Banana problems on to you? If you are not asking Apple about Banana, Apple could not be telling. You seem to need to reduce your stress and right now hearing about random Banana stuff increases your stress.
Did you also inform Apple that you will be letting any Banana calls on YOUR phone go to voicemail? And unless they are along the lines of "Apple is sick/hurt" you plan to ignore them? You prefer Apple and Banana deal with each other directly and not drag you into things?
Did you inform Banana herself that you prefer she not call for Apple on your phone? And unless she's calling to say Apple is sick/hurt, to just call Apple directly on Apple's phone?
I see that you have started. I think you will feel better if you continue to straighten up your personal boundaries. I get this is all new, but that's no excuse for sloppy boundaries. You aren't being mean or rude. You are being firm about what you are willing to do / not willing not do. You are being clear about what works for you / what does not work for you.
Galagirl
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Ravenscroft
Banned
It ain't good
Sounds a LOT like your gf weaseled you into metaphorically signing a binding contract with her... then said, "oh, by the way..."
...& then pulled the same scam on her new target.
You were conned. Now you're being used. If you're cool with being in a manipulative & perhaps outright abusive relationship, then godspeed. If you want better, then stop being a ragdoll, & either demand better or move along.
And instead of the overblown & largely inappropriate term "partner" maybe "fuckbuddy" would be more apt. Any partnership with this much suckage at the outset is NOT likely to age well, unless you're really into drunken rages & exchange of gunfire.
Sounds a LOT like your gf weaseled you into metaphorically signing a binding contract with her... then said, "oh, by the way..."
...& then pulled the same scam on her new target.
"Oh, dearie me, I seem to have accidentally put myself in a power situation where I can play one person off against another, have lots of sex & partying whenever I want, & use them to keep each other at a proper emotional distance AND fighting to be close to me. Gosh!!"
You were conned. Now you're being used. If you're cool with being in a manipulative & perhaps outright abusive relationship, then godspeed. If you want better, then stop being a ragdoll, & either demand better or move along.
And instead of the overblown & largely inappropriate term "partner" maybe "fuckbuddy" would be more apt. Any partnership with this much suckage at the outset is NOT likely to age well, unless you're really into drunken rages & exchange of gunfire.
WhatHappened
Active member
YES and YES.
I say both you and the other girlfriend dump the hinge. She was DISHONEST with the other girlfriend, and you CANNOT blame the new girlfriend for being a little upset. I say the two of you get together, ride off into the sunset, and leave this dishonest, manipulative hinge in the dust.