NRE & Self-control- advice needed

B

Brillig

New member
Hi!

My fiance and I have always had a nominally open relationship, but I haven't had any other actual outside relationships. I started dating a fantastic girl who I've known for awhile this week, and emotions-wise things are moving very quickly (NRE maybe, but seriously we're both feeling pretty obsessive).

My fiance is havng trouble adjusting to the suddenness and he's also feeling overwhelmed by life at the moment. I agreed to go without seeing her for a few days and not make any more plans to see her again until he's feelng more comfortable, but I'm finding it very difficult and so's she. (And yes, everyone is talking to everyone else about all of this!)

Any advice for how to keep the new relationship moving at a pace that my fiance can handle, when I'm dealing with these overwhelming emotions?
 
Hi Brillig,

I don't believe you can choose your emotions, but I do believe you can choose your actions. So, even if you are dealing with overwhelming NRE, you still have the power to develop the new relationship at a slow pace. It's a decision and you just make it.

Hopefully in the meantime your fiancé will be doing some reflection to figure out what he fears when you set a faster pace. In other words, it shouldn't be like this forever. You should eventually be able to go at a faster pace (without upsetting him as much).

Just some initial thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Brillig said:
I started dating a fantastic girl who I've known for awhile this week, and emotions-wise things are moving very quickly
...
My fiance is havng trouble adjusting to the suddenness
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One of the problems with woman-woman relationships (in regard to a male partner) is that there is a level of emotional intimacy that would rarely be present in the opposite (male-male)--and even if it was, I doubt it would impact you because of how those relationships tend to go.

I've seen this here many times... The woman in a male/female couple starts dating another woman, and the emotional aspect skyrockets. That leaves the guy wondering if you're falling out of love with him. Let's be blunt here... Guys are comparative creatures. They compare everything... Where do you think the term 'pissing contest' comes from? :) So he sees the emotional energy you have with your new partner, and likely feels like it has (or will) outstrip the emotional energy in your relationship with him. Especially since you are engaged to be married, he may worry whether that will actually happen now.

Not seeing her (entirely) isn't the solution either though. It just hits 'pause'. When you hit 'unpause' you will be right back where you were. This isn't about *her* -- it's about *him*. He's likely feeling left out of your life, and/or the intensity of what you feel/show towards her is greater than what you feel/show towards him.

Think about it... Let's say you're mono, and engaged to a guy who is seeing another woman. Let's also say the NRE he has with this other woman makes it seem like the kind of NRE that you had when you first met him. But now that NRE isn't directed at YOU, it's directed at HER. That's gonna affect you, regardless of the circumstances.

Since the girl you are dating isn't just a 'sexual fling', perhaps what may be better is to try to get her and your fiance to know each other better. One of the biggest fears is of the unknown. You can't compete with that. No matter what is 'real', the imagination will always make it out to be something 'bigger' if it doesn't know what reality is.

Maybe try to plan some time together with the three of you for a platonic evening where you can all hang out and he can get to know her. If you're sitting on the couch, you'd want him to be in the middle. The idea would be that you would be with your fiance, and she is invited over as a 'third party' guest. Watch movies, hang out, or do whatever might be enjoyable. It also might help him to forget about life for a while.

It's not about turning this into a triad, it's just about demystifying your girlfriend. The more he gets to know her, the less of a 'threat' she becomes. But the bottom line is that if the intensity of your emotional connection to this girl is stronger than with your fiance, there really isn't anything you can do that will make him comfortable with it.

There needs to be balance.
 
Savant said:
But the bottom line is that if the intensity of your emotional connection to this girl is stronger than with your fiance, there really isn't anything you can do that will make him comfortable with it.
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So how do successful poly people handle this? Because NRE will always be more intense then long-term.
 
Tinwen said:
So how do successful poly people handle this? Because NRE will always be more intense then long-term.
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NRE, is, by definition, intense but shallow - no matter how strong it is, you don't *really* know the person yet, you don't have the years of shared experience and bonding, and so you make choices that let you strengthen both. You don't spend every minute of the day with your new love, even if you want to. You deliberately do fun things, and bonding things, and sexy things with your long-term love because everything you love about them is still true, even if you're distracted. It's not *easy*, but it's entirely doable.

And the other thing is, more intense isn't necessarily *better*. Even in the strongest NRE experience of my life - with HipsterBoy, for blog readers - when I was in classic can't eat / can't sleep / can't stop thinking about him mode, when things were completely and totally cloud 9, if something really good or really bad happened in my life? the first person I wanted to talk to was still TheKnight - because he's who I've been talking about those things with for almost 20 years now, it's just how that works. I'd never give that up for someone else, no matter how hard things get with us or how temporarily good they are with the other person.
 
I am not clear. Could you be willing to clarify? What is the "sudden" thing that is overwhelming your BF?

Because you seem to have agreed to be in an Open relationship. That's not new or a sudden surprise.

You finding someone to date? Ok, that's news, but presumably always an option. So that's not new or a sudden surprise.

Any advice for how to keep the new relationship moving at a pace that my fiance can handle, when I'm dealing with these overwhelming emotions?
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Is that what he is overwhelmed by? You not dealing with your overwhelming emotions well? :confused:

What do you do in your behavior? Are you suddenly gushing all this emotional stuff on to him? Like "Whee! I found a dating partner! What if she doesn't really like me? What if she does?" stuff? If so, you could express/process that stuff elsewhere. With the new GF, in a journal, online, with a friend or relative.

It doesn't sound like a date with her is a problem. If I had to guess? I would guess that maybe you gushing before date /after date at him is the new/sudden thing that is a problem for him. If so? Ask him how much he can listen to/wants to hear. And respect that. If his listening bucket only holds 5 lbs once a week, don't be dumping 100 lbs daily on him. YKWIM? Date her, and find other places to express your evolving feelings.

When you are on dates with him, pay attention and BE PRESENT. Don't make your dates with him be gushing on about her. Just like you wouldn't have your dates with her be gushing on about him.

Maybe reading poly hell together could help. Ask him if he's feeling any of those things -- intrusion, demotion, displacement, etc.

Galagirl
 
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Icesong hit the nail on the head here. NRE is intense but shallow. It's essentially a 'crush'. There is little if any depth involved. If anything, it's a journey of discovery.

In a mono relationship you can fall head over heels in love with someone and be with them all the time, since you only have yourself to worry about. But in poly you can't just toss your other partner on the 'back burner' and expect them to not feel like they don't matter as much to you anymore.

Perhaps you can look at it like a parent does with children. When you're a parent and you have kids, the same thing happens. All is well with the first one, but when the SECOND one arrives the parents sometimes don't pay enough attention to the first, and you end up with the child feeling jealous.

So how do you manage it? Like I said above, there needs to be balance.

What you also need to consider is what will happen when the NRE wears off. You could end up with the opposite. Now that you've 'gotten it out of your system', your attention could shift back to your fiance and then your girlfriend feels left out. Heck, if you are still with your girlfriend when you get married, you'll have a whole new NRE with your husband for a while after the marriage. Again, the girlfriend may have trouble with this.

That's why you need to establish balance from the very start, and maintain it. In that way, you will be able to ride out these 'waves' without too much strain.
 
A lot of polyfolk take this strangely overblown view that NRE is some kind of huge, powerful thing that is just going to take over their lives. Ugh, it's just infatuation! Keep your feet on the ground, read up about what's going on with the chemicals in your brain, stay present, and NRE won't be that big a deal.

I mean, it's great to feel excited about a new lover, but if one watches out for signs that attachment or dependency is happening too fast or too soon, you can exercise your willpower and not give in to the chemical soup in your brain that is causing you to go all ga-ga. The euphoria that happens when a relationship is new can either be a thrill, or torture, or just enjoyable but manageable. It's all in how you look at t. If people would stop assuming that NRE is going to totally knock them over, they'd be better off. It doesn't have to go that way!

Here are a few other good threads about NRE:
NRE

NRE (New Relationship Energy) - Merged Threads, General Discussion

How do you know when it's love and not NRE?
 
Savant said:
In a mono relationship you can fall head over heels in love with someone and be with them all the time, since you only have yourself to worry about.
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In monogamy, a person has to be aware of all of this, too. The focus wouldn't be on preserving an established relationship, as it is in poly, but the focus is on preserving an established life. Things often go south in mono relationships when one person (or both) jumps headfirst into NRE and doesn't keep ahold of his/her autonomy. That's why women often perceive that men only enjoy the chase. The man is attracted to a whole, centered dynamo of a woman and when she becomes wholly focused on him, gives herself over to the almighty NRE god, she loses a lot of her and what he found so attractive about her. So it's not so that in mono relationships you can just go hog wild, wallowing in NRE and everything is peachy.



But yes, most FF relationships are super intimate in a way that most MF just are not. FF relationships don't even need sex to have this hyper-focused intimacy, so just putting the sex on hold will have little impact, other than give the fiancé a false sense that there is distance between the Fs. Girls do not need to be having sex to bond in an extremely intimate way.
 
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I agree that women, generally, are culturally encouraged to be very emotionally open and intimate with each other. Even platonic women friends might feel more comfortable with exchanging their most intimate wonderings and struggles with their platonic female friends, than they do with their boyfriends or husband.

It is slowly changing, but still, men are brought up to bottle up their emotions. They may even have evolved to be hardwired to be this way. Being emotionally open, crying, etc., actively listening instead of jumping in to fix things like a boss, makes them feel weak. And weakness is going to make them feel less of a success as a man, at work, with their buddies, their brothers and fathers, uncles, cousins, brothers in laws, sons (and daughters) etc.

I do not agree however, that 2 gay males will always be less emotionally intimate with each other than any 2 women friends or lovers may be. I do not agree, either, that 2 women (bi or lesbian) will always be more emotionally mature or expressive than 2 gay or bi men.

There is evidence that the gay male brain has more in common with a female brain than the hetero male brain does. I know plenty of gay males who have been happily partnered for decades (or married, since that has been legal in my state since 2004). Gay men can be quite intimately emotionally connected, and skillful at sharing emotions and working through emotional issues. Gay and bi men might struggle more because of their cultural conditioning, to express themselves, but yet, they seem more compelled to do so because of their very nature.

I find evidence of this in looking at some gay male porn, and then looking at how gay men act. You might see still photos of a rough trade looking man, big muscles, wearing construction boots, covered in body hair, with a beard, and tattoos, posing in a garage, or in a warehouse, or some other masculine environment, and think, there's a tough guy. He must be tough, he looks tough.

Then you might go to a gay bar and see those rough looking gay men, but see them gesturing in feminine ways, speaking in a "feminine" tone, talking about the fun of shopping for their tough looking leathers, or talking about their hairstylist, or waxing or shaving their balls, or the latest rom com movie they've seen and cried over, or their gardens, or cooking a gourmet meal, or choosing a nice wine, or even talking about their fears, or their mothers, and for all you'd know, they are speaking and acting like women.

And I have known some lesbians who are very butch, very "masculine," who are emotionally bottled up, dominant, "stone," preferring rationality over emotions, also.

Anyway, no advice, I just wanted to express my thought that it isn't always so black and white in the gay and lesbian community.
 
Magdlyn said:
I do not agree however, that 2 gay males will always be less emotionally intimate with each other than any 2 women friends or lovers may be. I do not agree, either, that 2 women (bi or lesbian) will always be more emotionally mature or expressive than 2 gay or bi men.
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Just to clarify: I'm not sure that anyone said that anything is always so or a black and white situation. The thoughts offered in this discussion are meant to explain why a male partner might sense that he cannot compete with his wife's intimacy with a woman. Also why he sets himself up for failure when he tries to "balance the scales" in an open relationship by finding a partner of his own.
 
nycindie said:
A lot of polyfolk take this strangely overblown view that NRE is some kind of huge, powerful thing that is just going to take over their lives. Ugh, it's just infatuation!
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I know, right? Ever know someone who's just had a course of ECT? They look scarily like someone neck-deep in NRE. :eek:

But what makes NRE a LOT worse (poly or not) is that this sort of drug-addled goofiness is waved around as proof of Romantic "true love"!! Rather than (to mix metaphors) damp down the flames & swim toward Sanity, many people actually encourage this giddiness in themselves & others -- let's throw tinder at the burning guy! let's toss an anchor to the drowning girl! ;)

When someone at the club is staggering drunk, bouncing off the walls, totally unable to walk a straight line, only a sadist would stand 'em up at the bar & order tequila shots... but as a culture that's what we do with the least rational bits of "falling in love." :(

And when the wildfire FINALLY burns itself out, & you realize that there's :eek: a human being there, with all sorts of flaws & imperfections, you're supposed to hitch up your trousers & do your best to suffer through interminable decades clinging grimly to them, as repayment -- or perhaps punishment -- to balance all that vapid "fun" you had at the very beginning.

In cultures where marriages are somehow arranged (including matchmakers & maybe even dating services), relationships begin "cool" & with emotional distance, then over time become closer & warmer. By comparison, cultures where relationships start "hot" & insanely close can ONLY become cooler & more distant -- there's simply no way (even WITH drugs) to maintain that obsessive high.

IMNSHO, polyfolk would benefit hugely if they'd entirely drop the notion that NRE is some vital component of sane, healthy, loving relationships.
 
Vital component? Really?
 
Haha, I've got to go to Poly Church and read up.
 
kdt26417 said:
Haha, I've got to go to Poly Church and read up.
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Here is the commandment on NRE:

Thou shalt submit to the power of New Relationship Energy (NRE®), upon commencing any new relationships, and be rendered incapable of making rational decisions or of treating anyone else in your life humanely until such time that the NRE® has dissipated (anywhere from 2 months to 2 years into said relationship). Anything that goes wrong, or any douche-bag moves thou makest shalt be blamed on NRE® during this period. If thou does not feel incapacitated by NRE®, you are either not a passionate person or doing poly wrong!
 
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not a rule, but in the litany

kdt26417 said:
Vital component? Really?
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Oh, heavens, yes. :rolleyes: Back in the early 2000s, it used to show up in waves on the PMM forums, with people even congratulating each other for being stupid with NRE. And when it flamed out, they'd encourage grieving & lard each other up with trite consolations, & sometimes gleefully slander the "failed" partner.

Anyone who thought these displays ludicrous was better off staying silent. Such is the weird cult of Romance.

It's like listening to a chronic drinker, whose favorite topic is how much he drinks, the stupid crap he's done while drunk (or to get more liquor), & his day-by-day plans to continue getting drunk. Now, I enjoy having a pint or three (U.S. pints at that) of craft IPA on a Saturday night, but my self-image, my future, my life IS NOT defined by it.

In both instances: if you haven't encountered it, you are indeed fortunate.
 
I'll count myself lucky then ...
 
Savant said:
ISo he sees the emotional energy you have with your new partner, and likely feels like it has (or will) outstrip the emotional energy in your relationship with him.
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Thank you so much for all of your advice. I showed him this and it was very helpful for us in understanding how he was feeling.

I like your idea of getting them to hang out more in a platonic setting. I think that will help a lot.

Right now, for an update, we are "unpaused" since (as some of you predicted) that wasn't really helping. It's definitely the emotional intimacy that's unnerving him more than anything else, and I haven't really figured out any way to prevent that issue other than making sure I'm spending an equal amount of energy on him, which hasn't helped as much as I'd hoped.

How do you validate someone emotionally when, as you said, he's comparing the intensity of relationships and feels like he's coming up short?

And he asks, "How do I feel secure when I'm facing that kind of intensity?"
 
Brillig said:
It's definitely the emotional intimacy that's unnerving him more than anything else, and I haven't really figured out any way to prevent that issue other than making sure I'm spending an equal amount of energy on him, which hasn't helped as much as I'd hoped.

How do you validate someone emotionally when, as you said, he's comparing the intensity of relationships and feels like he's coming up short?
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How about separating? Not being intimate in front of him, so he doesn't see and compare?
Or maybe you can let it be his effort to stop comparing. Comparing relationships does no more good then comparing yourself to someone, both just give a false boost or reduction of self esteem.

This article is very good reading
https://www.morethantwo.com/polytips.html
 
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