Who is What? New to Poly

[mesamil]

SO, I've been in a monogamous relationship with my partner for over 5 years now. For almost our whole relationship we have been exclusively monogamous, talked about marriage and kids for a while there in the first few years. Last summer, she told me she was polyamorous and basically said I needed to be OK with that because if I wasn't, than that meant I didn't accept/love her for what she was and she couldn't be with me. Well it was a hard pill to swallow at first but after doing a lot of reading and self reflection I've really come around to the idea. She had even explored attraction to a guy she worked with and while it didn't materialize into anything we were able to navigate that together and I was able to work with my jealousy.

Where we are at now. She identifies as poly. I don't know what I identify as...she has it in her mind that I am monogamous, because I havent said otherwise and I am nervous to bring up the possability that I am not. Partially because I don't want her to feel unwanted by me, but also because I'm pretty sure my motivations for my own non-monogamy would be mostly sexual. Now I know there's nothing wrong with that but it's just embarrassing and a bit of a touchy subject. She stopped wanting to have sex last summer (right around the same time she came out as poly) and we basically haven't had sex at all in 6 months. It's been confusing because she says she still finds me attractive and even her straight friends joke about having crushes on me so I know I am a like-able attractive person, but the one person I want, my best friend and life partner of 5 years suddenly doesn't seem to have any interest in me in that way.

I've stopped trying to initiate because when I did she used to just pathologize me and act weird. It made me feel pretty rotten. However, lately she's mentioned a few times that maybe she is Asexual. So maybe she is just asexual plain and simple. That's also gotten me relieved because there's nothing wrong with me or my wanting to have SOME sex in my life!

So how do I come out as non-monogamous to my committed non-monogamous potentially asexual partner without making her feel inadequate for not wanting sex? I am afraid she would judge me for just seeking casual sex outside of the relationship, since her definition of HER polyamorous feelings are mostly emotional and not really sexual (which for some reason its engrained in me or her or everybody that emotional connection is more valid than just sexual, (AND obviously I would have SOME positive feelings about whoever I was having sex with)).

 

[Nadya]

So how do I come out as non-monogamous to my committed non-monogamous potentially asexual partner without making her feel inadequate for not wanting sex? I am afraid she would judge me for just seeking casual sex outside of the relationship, since her definition of HER polyamorous feelings are mostly emotional and not really sexual (which for some reason its engrained in me or her or everybody that emotional connection is more valid than just sexual, (AND obviously I would have SOME positive feelings about whoever I was having sex with)).

You can't make your partner feel anything - her feelings are hers, you are not able to make them happen. Maybe you could start from the asexual / sexual point. She is possibly asexual, you are definitely sexual. You having sex with someone else would actually free her from the pressure and you two could concentrate on the parts of your relationship that feel mutually pleasurable - whatever that is.

Even though you would be mainly looking for sex, be aware that sex often leads to feelings: romance, attachment etc. It is very likely you will end up having a loving relationship with your future sex partner.

 

[sdguitarguy]

So how do I come out as non-monogamous to my committed non-monogamous potentially asexual partner without making her feel inadequate for not wanting sex?

Your partner is poly. While they may react to the change if you have never gone out dating, they should be able to grasp the concepts. If she is asexual, she may not even care that you are going out to have sex.

Take the sex out and it becomes very easy. If you played pool and your partner didn't like pool, how would you tell her you were going out? If she suddenly says "hey, I don't want you to go play pool, I feel inadequate because you're finding someone else to play pool with but I still won't play pool with you", you have the start of a fairly straight forward conversation.

 

[GalaGirl]

Could you be willing to clarify what kind of open relationship model are you guys practicing?

From the sound of it, you used to be Closed, and used to practice monogamy. Then she came out as polyamorous and you both entered into an Open model. Presumably, you both could date in this new Open model. It wasn't like Open for her but not for you, right?

She went on to date a guy, though they later ended it. You haven't dated yet. You now want to move on to date other people.

So... where is the problem? You are just practicing the model you practice, right?

So how do I come out as non-monogamous to my committed non-monogamous potentially asexual partner without making her feel inadequate for not wanting sex?

You could just tell her you want to start dating now and exercise your side of it. And let her feelings be her feelings and her job to manage. If she needs reasonable and rational help or support with that job? She can ask you for help and support at that point in time.

I am afraid she would judge me for just seeking casual sex outside of the relationship.

If she's asexual, that's fine. But you are not asexual. Whether your other relationships are about casual sex or otherwise? Your other relationships are for you and your other dating partner to manage. If your existing partner has a problem with it, trust that she will let you know and you two will work whatever it is out. You have been together 5 years. Surely you have worked out other stuff before.

In any communication there's the person who puts out the message. And a person who receive the message. I suggest you do your job. Communicate your message up clearly, honest, and direct. And let her do her job -- receive the message with active listening. If she has a problem, trust she will communicate that. Trust she will tell you clearly, honest and up front. And at that point in the conversation, you will receive her message and do your own active listening.

Right now it sounds like you are "pre-worrying" and all that does is paralyze you.

I've stopped trying to initiate because when I did she used to just pathologize me and act weird. It made me feel pretty rotten.

Are you worried that if you try to initiate dating, she will react the same as she used to when you tried to initiate sex? She will pathologize you?

If she tries to do that same old behavior? You could tell her not to pathologize you just because you want to date. You guys are a couple, but you are also individuals. You are not carbon copies of each other. Being different and individual is fine.

If she acts weird? Let her be weird. You can ask her if there's something on her mind she wants to talk about. If she doesn't want to talk about it right now? Tell her your door is open and to let you know if she changes her mind. And be ok letting her sit with it for however long she needs. Let her stuff be her stuff to manage and deal with.

Let you stuff be your stuff to manage and deal with.

Galagirl

 

[Nadya]

If she tries to do that, tell her not to pathologize you just because you want to date.

I understood from OP's post that the girlfriend used to pathologize him and act weird when he initiated sex with her, not when he expressed wanting to date others. I gather from the OP that he has not yet told her about his wish to date.

 

[GalaGirl]

Sorry, we were cross posting. I was still working on edits.

I was guessing that's part of the new batch of worrying. Concern that she will behave like she did before. But I could be wrong. Hopefully OP can clarify.

Galagirl

 

[Ravenscroft]

Is this how you CHOOSE to live?

So, I've been in a monogamous relationship with my partner for over 5 years now. ... Last summer, she told me she was polyamorous

Huh. Okay, please clarify: did she suddenly Become Poly in some weird blazing epiphany... or has she been polyamorous ALL ALONG, hiding this trivial point from you?

and basically said I needed to be OK with that because if I wasn't, than that meant I didn't accept/love her for what she was and she couldn't be with me.

You know that's bullshit, right? She's handed you your walking papers & steered you toward the door, yet it'll be YOUR fault, your CHOICE, when she kicks you to the street. No matter what she does, YOU are automatically The Bad Guy here -- in what world is that a sign of a healthy relationship, let alone one committed (you'd likely claim) for 4+ years?

She stopped wanting to have sex last summer (right around the same time she came out as poly)

Amazing little coincidence there, eh? Maybe she's got bored with you, & now resents you for making her feel trapped, which does NOT make for a positive interpersonal connection.

how do I come out as non-monogamous to my committed non-monogamous potentially asexual partner without making her feel inadequate for not wanting sex?

Waitaminnit -- REALLY??? She suddenly plays the forged Poly Card, replete with dark threats of imminent retaliation, but it's YOU that's got the wild hair up your butt to chase extracurricular tail??? What's the alternative here, you should just stay locked in your room & masturbate while she does whatever with whoever?

 

[IndieSolo]

So how do I come out as non-monogamous to my committed non-monogamous potentially asexual partner without making her feel inadequate for not wanting sex? I am afraid she would judge me for just seeking casual sex outside of the relationship, since her definition of HER polyamorous feelings are mostly emotional . . .

You break it to her in the same unkind and mean manner in which she broke it to you: "Oh by the way, sweetums, I am polyamorous and basically you need to be OK with that because if you aren't, then that means you don't accept and love me for who I am and I couldn't be with you. Mm'k?"

 

[mesamil]

Sorry, we were cross posting. I was still working on edits.

I was guessing that's part of the new batch of worrying. Concern that she will behave like she did before. But I could be wrong. Hopefully OP can clarify.

Galagirl

Yes that was exactly my concern, but I think I am just "pre-worrying" and the pool scenarios made a lot of sense.

 

[mesamil]

You break it to her in the same unkind and mean manner in which she broke it to you: "Oh by the way, sweetums, I am polyamorous and basically you need to be OK with that because if you aren't, then that means you don't accept and love me for who I am and I couldn't be with you. Mm'k?"

Yes you guys are right, I was pretty pissed off about it for the first 6 mo or so, I think that's why it was such a hard pill to swallow. NOT because I wasn't open to the idea, but just because of the way it was brought up like I wasn't going to have any say in the kind of relationship we were in. That point there really distracted me from even being able to entertain the idea at all for awhile, because if that was the precedent, than hell no.

To be honest though, I think she was bluffing because she was scared I was going to be totally freaked out and completely reject her (poly all along btw I think).

It's also good to hear you guys reflect back to me some of my pissed off feelings/ building resentments, like "ok so what do I just lock myself in a room all day...?!" I feel more confident about just saying whats on my minds and starting the conversation...

 

[kdt26417]

Hi mesamil,

Perhaps a good way to come out to your partner would be to say something like, "Honey, do you think it would be okay if we're both nonmonogamous?" Keeping it simple is the idea here.

Sounds like you've had some frustrating times since last summer. Hopefully things will get better going forward.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[CTF]

One thing I'm curious about... You say that you think she may be asexual. Which is possible, but, did you ever get that feeling before she came out as poly? You don't need specific details, but did she seem disinterested in sex BEFORE that moment last summer?

Also, the whole bit about "this is who I am, and you better be okay with it, or else you don't love/accept me" is complete nonsense. My wife tried a similar routine on me, and I spent the next couple of months in agonizing guilt over that thought. Eventually, I realized that we DO NOT have to accept things about our partners, when they affect us just as equally as it does them.

Forgive the crude comparison, but should we be forced to be okay with an alcoholic spouse choosing to down a fifth of whiskey every night? Accepting who one is, is not the same as accepting what they do.

That being said... If you two are both down with opening up, then great. As long as the rules bring something you BOTH want to the table.

 

[Spork]

Well it's all negotiation though, right? I mean, she came to the table like a hard-ass, all "I demand this or I'm done!" and starting negotiations from that place are one thing, the question is...is she ready for what might happen if you had called her bluff? I mean, look at it like a deal on one of those pawn shows right? "I won't take less than $500!" gets countered by a lower offer and the guy either bends or walks. If the seller really feels that strongly about it, then he can always try his luck with Ebay right?

So if she really was solid on the whole, "I can only continue this relationship if I have this freedom." then that's fine. Maybe she was bluffing, maybe not. But I didn't see anything in there requiring you to be mono in the meantime. But more importantly is the fact that a relationship with someone who "pathologizes" you for wanting sex. Y'know, wanting sex is pretty normal. If she is making you feel squiggy about your own sexuality, that's not a very good thing at all. Is she implying that you are mentally wonky for wanting sex, or that you are an addict, or that you should in any way feel ashamed of your desires? Is she basically being sex-negative? Are you thinking that she would react with judgment of your sexuality if you had outside sexual relationships?

Speaking from the perspective of someone who was married to a very sex-negative partner who cast the shame shade on my sexuality until I shut it down and buried it entirely...that stuff ain't healthy, man.

And it could be that there is something about your interaction with her, your relationship specifically, which has put her off of sex, but she's saying she's asexual because it's easier than explaining to you what that is. That old "I don't know how to explain it honestly without hurting your feelings" business.

Also, gotta ask...is she on hormonal birth control? Especially something like Depo Provera, or the progestin only pill? Depo essentially made me asexual while I was on it. I couldn't bear to even be touched and didn't even want to think about sex. I think that everyone should be aware of the possible side effects of these products, but doctors don't tend to warn us...