Poly Lessons We've Learned

redpepper said:
Taking things with a grain of salt seems to be the best policy and eases the tension of drama. Things have a way of working themselves out with time and aren't as troublesome as they originally appear.
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Although it can be easy to lose sight of the big picture when you are in the middle of a situation, I, for one, tend to overreact to things that really end up not being a big deal, although I've found that if I can talk about what's bothering me at length, it usually ends up not bothering me so much after I've put it out there. It's probably not the best tactic to avoid drama, since my talking tends to be pretty messy, with the tears and the moods, but bottling it up is so much worse. Hmm... that went on a bit of a tangent! :rolleyes:
 
Derby, I am talking more along the lines of the one that is not struggling so much and is witnessing the "drama."

Drama is much needed so as to move forward and establish comfort in a relationship. It's valid and vital to the emotional health of a relationship and a tribe. I certainly have had my fair share of causing drama, but when I am left to plug along, figuring out what the fuck is going on for me, all the while knowing that my loves are there to talk and listen if needed, then I will get through it. That usually takes them taking on the attitude I am talking about in my post. I need to know that they are taking me with a grain of salt in some way and letting the muddle sort itself out.

I get your point, however. :)
 
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The Power of Venting

Throughout my relationship with Redpepper, we have learned a lot about how we both work and communicate. One of the things we've learned is that I have a tendency to take in information that causes me concern, perseverate about it for a while, and eventually spew it out in the form of a vent. The time in between hearing the information and venting is essentially time that she loses the depth of my connection. It is basically the subconscious withdrawal of my energy, resulting in her getting less of me. If amplified with other issues it can become a relationship-threatening situation.

Recently I got some concerning information, and instead of holding back I just let it out. I process pretty quickly now and my vent was right there, all ready and right to the point. I think I was quicker to vent because there seemed to be a build up of things, and my ability to withhold was diminished. Regardless, the result was positive. I'm not holding onto any unspoken thoughts, my concerns were raised with full bluntness (although I always regret some things I say when I rant). Yes, I withdrew my connection and energy in that moment, but then I felt it seeping back out very soon after I had finished.

By identifying that this is a process I go through, and being both aware of why it happens, we can work through things much faster. By identifying that vents are fueled and influenced by strong emotions, it helps take the surprise factor out of them.

In the end, she gets more connection and energy from me, and I am much more consistently stable and healthy. I think I will actually just say this in the future: "Here's my rant. Prepare yourself. It'll be over shortly and then we can get back to our regularly scheduled lovin!" :D
 
I think constant and open communication of feelings (good AND bad) and jealousies should be a lesson that stands on its own. If we don't communicate our wants, needs, frustrations, etc., in a poly relationship, the hurts can pile up really fast and turn something good into a train wreck.

NRE is such a great feeling! But you need to keep a tight rein on it and learn to recognize when your decisions are being affected by NRE, and remember to think about your other responsibilities (and relationships) and the responsibilities of the person you are seeing (depending on what kind of poly relationship you are part of). Also, relationships formed in the haste of NRE can often end just as quickly when difficulties arise. I've learned that taking things slow is the best policy.

Compromise is the name of the game in ANY relationship, especially in a poly relationship. 'Nuff said.
 
The flip side of open and honest communication is also to not be a selfish receiver of communication.

I am not always going to hear what I want to hear and I am not always going to have things my way. I cannot expect to be a poly princess and get everything my way. When I am able to give, give, give in the form of listening, accepting, empathizing and making sure that not only that I get my needs met, but also give to others, then I get the best value out of my relationship.

This means not creating something out of a rant or a vent, too. I find it much more helpful, healthy and comfortable to let some stuff go when I receive communication. Often times my partner is in the process of going through something, coming to terms with something, or just blowing off steam. It's not always necessary to blow what they say out of proportion or become threatened. Often times it's all in the moment, and later, when I ask how it's going, it isn't an issue any more, or much lessened.
 
redpepper said:
Its not always necessary to blow what they say out of proportion or become threatened. Often times its all in the moment and later when I ask how its going it isn't an issue any more, or much lessened.
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Nice point, Lilo. :)
 
redpepper said:
This means not creating something out of a rant or a vent too. I find it much more helpful, healthy and comfortable to let some stuff go when I receive communciation. Often times my partner is in the process of going through something, coming to terms with something or just blowing off steam. Its not always necessary to blow what they say out of proportion or become threatened. Often times its all in the moment, and later when I ask how its going it isn't an issue any more, or much lessened.
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I tend to be a venter. I need to let things out when they're bothering me, and usually, as soon as they are out, I'm feeling better about things. I'm trying to remember when I am venting to let the recipient of the vent know in advance that I'm working through things by venting and it will make things better. I don't use nasty language or call names, but I do cry a lot. Once it's done, it's done, though, and I feel calm and open again.
 
Derbylicious said:
I tend to be a venter. I need to let things out when they're bothering me and usually as soon as they are out I'm feeling better about things. I'm trying to remember when I am venting to let the recipient of the vent know in advance that I'm working through things by venting and it will make things better. I don't use nasty language or call names but I do cry a lot. Once it's done it's done though and I feel calm and open again.
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I'm one of those "The sky is falling" types, but usually as a result of an accumulation of things. I sometimes see some relationships as "fine china," immensely valuable, but extremely fragile. So you want to experience them, but don't want to break them, either.
 
Oh, I am just evil. :D (I am a redhead, after all.) Stomping around, slamming things down, yelling profanities, sarcasm, name calling. I think my motto is "rant hard or go home." Thankfully, I am quick to let stuff slide and can empathize quickly. So I don't do this often. I tend to be unsatisfied with not liking people or things happening and look for ways out of the "dislike" feeling. I'm quick to go with whatever positive someone can offer.

It usually ends in tears or laughter... Laughter with those that are able to just let me go and crack a joke to ease the ranting. I only rant at all at those I feel most comfortable with, not just anyone.
 
redpepper said:
8. There is a big difference between people who people who are poly because they like to fuck everything that moves and those that are poly because they like to loooooooove everyone and feel cozy in their connections when they do it.
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I didn't read all the other replies, but this one applies 100% to why I have become poly. Throughout my life, I have always been a grass is greener on the other side of the fence kinda girl. I just never knew why till recently. It's not the sex at all, it's the meeting someone new and wanting to explore that, while still holding onto the current relationship I might be in at the time.
 
Ariakas said:
Something I have observed on occasion, the mono in a married couple with one side going poly has an uphill battle. This isn't always the case, but the mono tends to be too reliant on the partnership, instead of realizing there are other relationships out there. So many I have seen online have no friends outside of the monogamous relationship. This creates a real problem when the poly person starts going out. They are so dependent on the relationship that they feel loneliness. They start to go out and build other friendships and that helps. But then what? While processing their partner being poly they could possibly process it for themselves.

I wonder how things would be for them if they had a social life outside of the monogamous relationship, if they had friends to lean on in and weren't so dependent on the primary relationship.

It also leaves me wondering how many poly-identified people go poly because of that dependency. They do it as a fantasy or escape from being the "one and only"... that's a craptastic amount of pressure to put on one person.
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I have noticed this too, and thought I would post it here as a possible lesson learned. Thanks, Ari. :)

Note to self-- don't become codependent. I need to find myself my own friends, interests, life outside of my family.
 
Ariakas said:
Why can't there be a sliding scale of poly/mono. I know someone threw one up here a while ago...but the gist would be like kinsey (I think it was idealist)...a scale 1 to 6 1 being mono and 6 being poly. It might help people understand a potential transition and or, where they fit in.
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You're the man today Ari :D thanks for another quote!

I think that perhaps there is some kind of scale between an all out swinger who sees sex as a matter of everyday biological need... like taking a crap :p and those that find sex to be a deep spiritual connection that they only want to share with those who are close and safe.

this seems to eb and flow in life and with certain partners even. It is important I think to make sure that one knows where they are on that scale when they invite others into their lives, so as to have the best mental health.
 
Some people love NRE and will add and add and add relationships in order to keep feeling it. It's similar to serial monogamy, serial polyamory... Partners just overlap.

For me, it's important to make sure that I know how my tribe will change if someone else is added. Everything changes and ripples through a whole constellation, right down to the people in my life that I hardly see who aren't poly. Is it really the best idea for me to add a new partner? Is it best for them? Is it best for everyone in my life? These are questions I ask myself when faced with finding that I love someone deeper than a friendship.
 
redpepper said:
Some people love NRE and will add and add and add relationships in order to keep feeling it. It's similar to serial monogamy, serial polyamory... Partners just overlap.
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I wonder if there may be a correlation to addiction to drugs or alcohol. Those initial hormonal influences can be very toxic if abused. How would you ever go back to real life?
 
Time would be a restriction in the "addiction" scenario, but that's crazy to think about. I'm sure it's happening somewhere right now.

Something else I've learned from my poly experiences is communication, more specifically, how to communicate wants and needs.

1. It's ok to express you want something that someone else doesn't want. This should be encouraged.
2. When you have a disagreement, it should be the goal for you to understand why your partner feels the way they do about what you disagree about, and for them to understand why you disagree. Once the disagreement is out, the negative energy almost dissipates, unless it's something more serious.
3. The first thing you need to do is FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT. If you don't know what you want, chances you are could be stringing your partner along, or worse.
 
rpcrazy said:
3. The first thing you need to do is FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT. If you don't know what you want, chances you are could be stringing your partner along, or worse.
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And allow it to change, if necessary. This has been a big life/poly lesson for me. I was locked into so many rules when I first got here, and have slowly been breaking down the rules. I am so quick to break other's rules (natural rebel in me), I wasn't actually taking that advantage myself.
 
There's a little game
Here is how it goes
Bullshit's like a river
It starts and then it flows
If you are afraid
That you have been neglected
Let me make sure
That you're feeling well protected
My arms are all around you
Please ignore the grip
I'll tell you that you're safe
Just don't try givin' me the slip
I think that you are vulnerable
I think that you are weak
I'll tell you who to play with
For myself I will you keep
I am your lord and master
You will never run away
Although the door is always open
Your mind will always stay
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Anything that resembles the above situation is NOT poly. I suppose that could be a poly lesson in non-poly behaviour :)
 
When you truly care for a metamour, it becomes automatic to balance their needs with your partner's and yours. Vs may be physically defined, but when everyone cares deeply about each other, they become more like emotional triads. I wouldn't have it any other way. :)
 
MonoVCPHG said:
Vs may be physically defined, but when everyone cares deeply about each other they become more like emotional triads.
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I like that. I have felt that way with my husband's girlfriends (who were both straight). I was good friends with both of them and had close emotional connections and communicated well with them both. It felt like a partnership with the goal of helping my husband feel happy and fulfilled, such a good, supported/supporting feeling. :)
 
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