Partner is smothering me

[pandoradawn]

Hi! Just as some background, my live in partner and I practice non hierarchical polyamory. In the particular style we practice involves us each having a primary relationship with ourselves and secondary relationships with others. Now I'm an introvert so this type works really well for me and she claimed to follow it when (in fact she was the first to bring it up)

Now she can be really clingy at the best of times, but usually not unbearably so. The most that can usually be overwhelming is that she posts a little obsessively about me on social media and I don't care so much for being worshipped. It feels to me like sometimes she puts me on a pedestal above others, including her platonic partner. It makes me feel uneasy and I also just feel like I don't have a stitch of privacy in the relationship. I understand partners post pics and gush about partners from time to time and that's reasonable. The amount she does it however is in excess. Even so I've been able to let it slide.

Things have been a little too overwhelming recently though. In the past little while i worked up the courage to ask a friend of mine out on a date. She said yes, which is exciting, but my partner has started behaving odd. She says she worried she'll get jealous and has started to get extra clingy, even though I haven't even yet gone on a date with my crush. She's been latching onto me way too much asking for more time from me than usual. She already takes up a lot of energy (more than anyone else in my life) and I see and talk to her every day, eat dinner with her (which we take turns with), wish her off to work each day and give her good night cuddles every night, play DND with her and her friends, attend an additional monthly rpg meetup with her and put aside time each week for a date night. Now she all of a sudden wants more date nights which I don't think is fair because I need time in the week for other people/partners/friends and also a significant amount of time for myself to do introvert stuff. It's bad enough that I feel like I can't close my door when I need privacy when she's home, because she's already made it clear that closed doors bother her. I understand she has insecurities and anxieties, something I can related to, and I want to help her through them. It's just I also feel pushed away as a result of not having room to breath.

We are both diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, though I think her symptoms are stronger than mine. I'm autistic and struggle sometimes with communicating needs. I care a lot about her I just need to emphasize that even people who care for each other and live with eachother need space from each other, especially in polyamorous relationships. Does anyone have any advice on how I can express my concerns without coming across as rude or creating more insecurity? Thanks!

 

[Spork]

I think that you have done a very nice job of expressing them in writing here.

I suggest that maybe you copy and paste this very post into a document and then edit it into the format of a letter to her. If it is hard to communicate your needs and boundaries verbally, perhaps you can do so in written form.

I tend to go on and on about my loved ones, both here on this site (in my blog) and to others...I talk about people. I can be gossipy, I won't even lie, and when I'm happy, I want to shout it to the world. I try to be mindful of social circles and connections, and gush my happiness to people who don't know my loves, mostly, just to preserve a LITTLE bit of privacy for them. (It's a reason I like doing so here, they have nicknames.) Sometimes I wonder if it makes any of my loves uncomfortable. But we have spoken about communication and we are all adults and expect one another to "use your words" ...honestly, I really REALLY hope, that if an aspect of my behavior like this one bothered one of my partners, that they would bring it up. I would make a serious and sincere effort to modify my behavior if they wanted me to.

So maybe your partner would rather hear from you if something that she is doing is making you uncomfortable, rather than have you just suffer it and her not know...?

One thing that I think would help when you write down what you need to say, is try to be specific in what you would ask for, whenever possible.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

To me you sound like you have explained over and over. So... could stop explaining and say a polite "No thank you." No JADE. No justifying, no arguing, no defending, no explaining. Just state your position once. Then say "No thank you. We already covered this."

It's bad enough that I feel like I can't close my door when I need privacy when she's home, because she's already made it clear that closed doors bother her.

Just close the door. Meet your need for privacy first so you are not burning out.

So closed doors bother her. She won't die. Don't take away her opportunity to learn that closed doors are not a big deal. Surely you lock the front door of the home. That doesn't stay wide open, right?

I just need to emphasize that even people who care for each other and live with eachother need space from each other, especially in polyamorous relationships.

You could emphasize that by DOING it, rather than keep talking about it. It is ok for you to say "No, thank you. I need some space and privacy right now. I'll see you later at ____. " Then close the door, go do your stuff, whatever it is.

Galagirl

 

[IndieSolo]

Hi! Just as some background, my live in partner and I practice non hierarchical polyamory. In the particular style we practice involves us each having a primary relationship with ourselves and secondary relationships with others.

This is a contradictory statement. If you practice "non-hierarchical" egalitarian poly, you wouldn't have a "primary" and "secondaries." Primary + secondary = hierarchy. So, is it hierarchical or not?

 

[Ravenscroft]

+1 what NYC said.

Firstly, IMNSHO, two people with BPD probably shouldn't be in a relationship (outside of a controlled environment). Deciding to also leap into nonmonogamy sounds to my ears a little like "trainwreck waiting to happen."

characterized by

• extreme fear of abandonment
• unstable relationships with other people
• unstable sense of self
• unstable emotions
• feelings of emptiness
• frequent dangerous behavior & self-harm

Symptoms may be triggered by seemingly normal events.

People with BPD often engage in idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard and great disappointment.

Substance abuse, depression, and eating disorders commonly co-exist with borderline personality disorder.

Your first post is larded with trigger words indicating "I'm a saint" & "she's a parasite, poor li'l thing."

smothering -- really clingy -- unbearably -- overwhelming -- obsessively -- being worshipped -- on a pedestal -- don't have a STITCH of privacy -- in excess -- overwhelming -- extra clingy -- latching on to me -- takes up a lot of energy -- I need time -- insecurities and anxieties -- pushed away -- room to breathe -- struggle -- needs

If you can't write about this supposed primary relationship in a more objective manner, this indicates you probably cannot think about it objectively, either.

Until you set that tendency aside, any advice given to you here will likely be filtered for whatever you believe makes you righteous in what you do next.
________________

Generally, when I see a Golden Ticket presented in a first post, I say "huh".

When I see a whole fistful, I get wary.

1. introvert
2. insecurities
3. anxieties
4. borderline personality disorder
5. autistic

What do your respective therapists have to say about any of this?

 

[pandoradawn]

+1 what NYC said.

Firstly, IMNSHO, two people with BPD probably shouldn't be in a relationship (outside of a controlled environment). Deciding to also leap into nonmonogamy sounds to my ears a little like "trainwreck waiting to happen."

Your first post is larded with trigger words indicating "I'm a saint" & "she's a parasite, poor li'l thing."

If you can't write about this supposed primary relationship in a more objective manner, this indicates you probably cannot think about it objectively, either.

Until you set that tendency aside, any advice given to you here will likely be filtered for whatever you believe makes you righteous in what you do next.
________________

Generally, when I see a Golden Ticket presented in a first post, I say "huh".

When I see a whole fistful, I get wary.

1. introvert
2. insecurities
3. anxieties
4. borderline personality disorder
5. autistic

What do your respective therapists have to say about any of this?

Hey, no need to be rude. This is really ableist you know? You don't know either of us so you shouldn't make prejudice remarks about either of us or our relationship. If autism, BPD, anxiety, insecurities and introverts raise red flags for you need to seriously check yourself. You have no right to tell someone you don't know if they should or shouldn't be poly, based on their mental health, especially when you don't know their history with it. You should also read topics more clearly because I never stated she was my primary. We're in a secondary relationship. We just so happen to share an apartment (separate rooms) that is all. We agreed to a level of space before we moved in. I feel like I'm not getting that space. It's probably not a relationship ending problem. Just something we need to talk about (and have started talking about) and I was just looking for advice as to how I could because I'm not always good at the communicating things effectively (The solution a few message up of "write her a letter about it" was very helpful. You've just been an unhelpful judgemental bully.) and I felt a poly forum was the most appropriate place to ask, given the situation. I am aware that I sometimes see and express things in black and white and it's something I've been working on. It doesn't mean I can't see the grey area eventually. Instead of attacking me like that you could have politely pointed out that the way I was communicating was problematic. If you want to judge a person on their mental health or neurotype go right ahead. Just know you come across as bigoted troll when you do.

 

[pandoradawn]

I think that you have done a very nice job of expressing them in writing here.

I suggest that maybe you copy and paste this very post into a document and then edit it into the format of a letter to her. If it is hard to communicate your needs and boundaries verbally, perhaps you can do so in written form.

I tend to go on and on about my loved ones, both here on this site (in my blog) and to others...I talk about people. I can be gossipy, I won't even lie, and when I'm happy, I want to shout it to the world. I try to be mindful of social circles and connections, and gush my happiness to people who don't know my loves, mostly, just to preserve a LITTLE bit of privacy for them. (It's a reason I like doing so here, they have nicknames.) Sometimes I wonder if it makes any of my loves uncomfortable. But we have spoken about communication and we are all adults and expect one another to "use your words" ...honestly, I really REALLY hope, that if an aspect of my behavior like this one bothered one of my partners, that they would bring it up. I would make a serious and sincere effort to modify my behavior if they wanted me to.

So maybe your partner would rather hear from you if something that she is doing is making you uncomfortable, rather than have you just suffer it and her not know...?

One thing that I think would help when you write down what you need to say, is try to be specific in what you would ask for, whenever possible.

This was very helpful and non judgemental! Thank you for the advice. We're going to have a talk tonight about boundaries and she's agreed that it's okay if I write down my words to express myself.

 

[pandoradawn]

This is a contradictory statement. If you practice "non-hierarchical" egalitarian poly, you wouldn't have a "primary" and "secondaries." Primary + secondary = hierarchy. So, is it hierarchical or not?

But we aren't in a primary relationship with each other. I said we're in a primary relationship with ourselves. We believe that each individual is their own primary partner but can have a number of secondary relationships that are different in structure (whether they be platonic or romantic, asexual or sexual.) but equal. The structure acknowledges a persons need for personal time and space and self love, some more than others, but also avoids boxing relationships into set moulds or prioritizing certain relationships over others, based on whatever mould they fit in. Is there something problematic about that?

 

[IndieSolo]

But we aren't in a primary relationship with each other. I said we're in a primary relationship with ourselves. We believe that each individual is their own primary partner but can have a number of secondary relationships that are different in structure (whether they be platonic or romantic, asexual or sexual.) but equal. The structure acknowledges a persons need for personal time and space and self love, some more than others, but also avoids boxing relationships into set moulds or prioritizing certain relationships over others, based on whatever mould they fit in. Is there something problematic about that?

Ah, I didn't get that you were meaning to say you are each your own primary. I read what you wrote and thought you meant that you and your live-in partner are each other's primaries, and everyone else with whom you two are involved are considered secondary.

It's cool that your primary relationship is with yourself, but I think that is a given in any relationship structure (or should be). We all have to take care of ourselves first. No relationship, whether poly or mono, is healthy if we put someone else's needs and wants before our own all the time. What I see as problematic, potentially, is viewing the people you with whom you have relationships as "secondary." It's such a loaded term. But if you are clear on what you mean, that's all that matters, I suppose. I just don't recommend calling anyone "secondary" to their face.

As for your privacy issue, I'm the sort of person who believes in being direct and simply, calmly stating what one needs or wants. It's best to communicate before things build up to a point where you cannot express yourself without exploding or having a lot of emotional force attached to expressing yourself.

I don't know much about BPD, but I am pretty introverted myself (there are quite a few introverts who post regularly here), so privacy and having "me time" is important to me. I would focus on that aspect of what is bothering you and tell her that you feel like your privacy hasn't been respected and you would like her to "dial down" some of the things you feel infringed upon that. You can also say that you sense she is having some anxieties and insecurities, and you want to reassure her that your relationship is okay, but that it is important that your boundaries be acknowledged and respected, too.

 

[Spork]

OP, I would like to address your defensive response to Ravenscroft. I get why you responded that way. I think that both of you are standing a little firm on some very far apart positions, and personally would bracket it in a little. Ravenscroft doesn't really need to adjust, as it's not his life, but don't push back SO hard that you don't see what valuable bits are potentially present in his input, eh?

So...Ravenscroft thinks that your relationship would be untenable due to the mental instability present in both parties. I would say...it's ok for him to feel that way, since he doesn't have to live there. It's your relationship though, pandoradawn, so YOU (and your partners) get to say if it's untenable. You don't seem to feel that it is. I think that the actual issues you brought up can be adjusted and comfort levels can be found. I do however think that your initial post carried enough frustration so that backstory got colored with some flavor of "I'm the victim of this clingy person who's driving me nuts, my issues are the understandable ones and hers are out of line" and I feel that sentiment (specific words aside) is part of what Ravenscroft was rather validly responding to. If nothing else, maybe re-read his response and let it guide you to avoid some thought patterns that might be unhelpful for dealing in your relationship and getting good results. So you can express your needs without judgment (no JADE, as GalaGal said) and compromise a place where everyone's needs are respected.

To bracket in conceptually from a "I'm entitled to whatever behavior because I've got a diagnosed mental disorder", and the opposite, ableist (as you put it) "people with these issues should not try to relationship"....

I would say that if you are well aware of issues you've got, you can attempt to control them, you can be aware of them, and while you might not successfully have a handle on every impulse or thought, you can try to manage yourself and your behavior with an aim to greater functionality in relationships.

I have depression. It's a thing for me. It's always going to be possible for me to "fall down the well." I guard against it as best as I can, and do my best to prevent the thought patterns that can drive me into a serious episode of it. But I could never guarantee it won't happen, and I expect one day it will haunt me yet again. Today isn't going to be that day. You can have a disorder without allowing it to define you or excuse your behavior, and make, shall we say, a "good faith effort" to recognize unproductive ideation and challenge it.

So that is the value I would take from Ravenscroft's message, perhaps, pointing out the spots where your original post can be signaling unfair thinking on your part. Use it as a tool to help you ask questions of your motivations, and do a fair-intentions-check. Every message, even the ones that suck to hear, has potential value, once we stop fighting it off with defensive impulses, and you can carve out the bits that help you like a surgeon with a scalpel, if you care to try.

Best wishes, I hope your negotiation with your partner goes well.

 

[Ravenscroft]

According to Dreikurs, an erroneous behavior stems from one or more mistaken goals:

1. attention-seeking
2. gaining power
3. taking revenge
4. avoidance by inadequacy

Relying on a Golden Ticket or disorder is largely #4, & possibly a factor in the other three.

Expressions of sympathy & support play directly to #1, & feed into 2 & 3.

I'm somewhat scoliotic, & have had some degree of back pain rather constantly for 40 years. Yet, I do pretty well in a job that's often physically demanding because I have learned how to work AROUND what I can't readily work WITH.

Before a personal problem is identified, it's got some validity as a rationalization. Once it's diagnosed, then it's up to its owner to work around it or work with it.

Spork, I'll mostly cop to your discursus, except for one point. I don't see the relationship itself as untenable, but adding nonmonogamy to the mix has clearly brought out some fundamental flaws in the dyad. These have accrued so quickly that I figure there's been plenty of gunnysacking for quite some time, & likely the kitchen-sink variant, where someone dumps out all the old grievances to avoid facing up to the present situation --

gunnysacking (as a tactic) has the dual effect of raising additional problems (in what is typically already a volatile situation) and presenting an obstacle to dealing with the current issues.

IMNSHO, either the non-mon stuff NEEDS to be dialled back long enough to fix the dyad, OR the dyad is circling the drain & soon enough WILL blow up.

If any of the Golden Tickets is being clinically controlled, then the clinicians need to be part of the conversation. If they're not being controlled, then, yes, I'd question whether they're maybe just claims to inadequacy.

IThe bottom line: if the relationship isn't worth fixing, then it's not worth maintaining. We can offer LOTS of pretty Band Aids (symptom-oriented treatment), but the bleeding will continue.

 

[pandoradawn]

It was always a poly relationship. I've been openly poly for 5 years. We don't even have a primary relationship. We both have other partners who we both had before we even met eachother. I also can't afford therapy as I'm on disability and have been making due by taking free therapy and skills workshops when I can and applying for wait lists for longer free therapy programs. Treatment for mental illness doesn't happen over night but I'm trying to work with what I got, and i'll tell you so is she! You are making a lot of assumptions about me, her and the situation at hand and you're not making a whole lot of sense either. Anyway, we talked it over and revisited boundaries and came to a compromise and even planned our next date right after. Please stop assuming things about people you don't even know.

 

[Tinwen]

Pandoradawn, I am very glad you could solve the conflict at hand and that you are both committed to work on the issues. It sounds good overall.

Question: What do you mean by the word "primary"?

PS: I like seeing Ravenscroft told off, it took me a few months to see that there is at least sometimes more to his posts then being "rude" and a "troll" It's hard for me to follow what it is actually that's being said, both because of the language and the concepts he uses.
However I don't think he's completely off base here with the black and white thinking - your first really came across to me as "it is all her problem, I need to discipline her". Also check for that "gunnysacking" thing (I haven't heard that term before, but reading up on wiki it seems to be very common in relationships).

 

[Spork]

Pandoradawn, I am very glad you could solve the conflict at hand and that you are both committed to work on the issues. It sounds good overall.

Question: What do you mean by the word "primary"?

PS: I like seeing Ravenscroft told off, it took me a few months to see that there is at least sometimes more to his posts then being "rude" and a "troll" It's hard for me to follow what it is actually that's being said, both because of the language and the concepts he uses.
However I don't think he's completely off base here with the black and white thinking - your first really came across to me as "it is all her problem, I need to discipline her". Also check for that "gunnysacking" thing (I haven't heard that term before, but reading up on wiki it seems to be very common in relationships).

Not to make it TOO much about Ravenscroft, but what I see is a tendency there to make human issues like something one is writing a very factual technical report on. I would guess Rc to be a very literal thinker who prefers concrete information over that which is nebulous or abstract. Someone who wants to cut the crap and get to the bottom line and the solution.

It's not necessarily...bad...or wrong...just hard for some folks to take. And he might be dishing the right medicine in the form of like a giant pill covered in spikes that smells funny. No one is gonna swallow that.

I get a lot of really valuable ideas from his posts. But I also see a bit of communication error when someone is likely to get too defensive (as a predictable response to the harshness of the approach) to accept any part of the message...hence my desire to soften and try to bridge the gap a little bit there, so the entirety of Rc's input didn't get rejected.

I do think that OP has some valid needs and a right to communicate those needs and have them respected in the relationship, but I also think that OP needs to make sure that partner's needs aren't being trampled in the process. Hence. Negotiation, trying different communication techniques, and compromise.

And I think the whole thing OP was saying about "primaries" was that each individual functions as their OWN primary, putting themselves first, and after that, all relationships with each other are treated as equal. "Me first, everyone else second." And...I guess that is ok. But I wonder if OP's partners are truly on the same page. I would worry that there are some personality types (my ex, jeezus he's bad about this) that would use this philosophy to say, "My needs are incredibly important!! I shall demand they be met. Your needs are your problem and not my concern."

You can't demand that other people bend around your needs and provide for them and constantly cater to them...but that you have no obligation to consider theirs because "Hey. Put yourself first. Maintaining you isn't my concern."

I'm not assuming that you do this, OP...but I'm saying that the "me first" philosophy wouldn't be healthy for all personality types. A narcissist would readily take advantage of an empath in such a structure to the great harm and detriment of the empath. If you expect your needs to matter to a partner, then theirs must also matter to you. Again...it's a compromise.

 

[Inyourendo]

i would probably take her off your feed and change the setting where you cant be tagged in posts, that will help with the facebook situation.

she's probably feeling really insecure that you will like this new person better and is worried that with new person in the mix she will see you less. i would probably make sure that I continued the same amount of attention and dates that you have been giving her but i would not give more if you don't want to.4

Have you considered living alone? It doesn't sound like her needs and yours are compatible, you aren't getting the privacy you need while living with her

 

[kdt26417]

Hi pandoradawn,

I'd suggest just telling your live-in partner that you need more privacy and independence. You're not getting much as matters stand, I know I would suffocate under all that smothering. Having to leave my door open would particularly bother me, but I know the situation with the social media bothers you as well.

It sounds like you've got the situation at least partly worked out, that is good to hear.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Ravenscroft]

I like seeing Ravenscroft told off

So... that's meant to be you demonstrating how to be a troll...? Anyway, mere ad hominem,

attacking the traits of an opponent as a means to invalidate their argument(s). Equating someone's character with the soundness of their argument is a logical fallacy.

This site sees plenty of people who show up, & all but demand sympathy merely because the term "polyamory" shows up at some point. Goffman covered that:

when an individual comes in contact with other people, that individual will attempt to control or guide the impression that others might make of him by changing or fixing his or her setting, appearance and manner.

At its simplest, we might present ourselves as more saintly in order to rally support against an adversary, or make ourselves look weaker & gain more uncritical support -- not unlike a con game,

an attempt to defraud a person or group after first gaining their confidence, used in the classical sense of trust. Confidence tricks exploit characteristics of the human psyche such as dishonesty, honesty, vanity, compassion, credulity, irresponsibility, naïveté and greed.

Please don't misinterpret me -- to some degree, we all do this, me included. House's Credo: "Everybody lies. The only variable is about what." I differ with House in that it's not the WHAT that's interesting, but the WHY.

Last I checked, polyamory isn't particularly easy. In fact, it seems to require skills that are left atrophied or entirely nonexistent from being force-fed the catechism of Monogamy since birth.

Most human beings (me included), faced with yet another demand to Learn A New Skill, roll our eyes & try to sneak away. Even if it turns out to be simple AND useful, that "oh, god..." reaction remains.

And some of the skills that make polyamory a lot easier (if not actually easy) are scary, depressing, emotionally painful because they force us to confront experiences we'd really rather leave buried... even if they've turned into the very landmines that are causing problems right now.

FWIW, I deal better with "nebulous or abstract" than most people. However, experience has often taught me that such vagueness is NOT a positive in interpersonal communication, & best left for poetry & Top 40 songs.

Communicating in print leaves out a LOT of nuance (e.g. facial expression, vocal tone, body language), so is much less abstract than IRL communication. A person's initial online presentation often says volumes about their actual motivations & goals, before they are fully aware of how to shape their personal presentation to maximal self-serving effect upon this particular audience.

I don't LIKE to see people in pain. I don't LIKE to see people cause other people pain, especially those they claim to love. And, yes, I can get a bit terse when I see good-hearted, wrong-headed people supporting continuation of the pain.

 

[pandoradawn]

So... that's meant to be you demonstrating how to be a troll...? Anyway, mere ad hominem,
This site sees plenty of people who show up, & all but demand sympathy merely because the term "polyamory" shows up at some point. Goffman covered that: At its simplest, we might present ourselves as more saintly in order to rally support against an adversary, or make ourselves look weaker & gain more uncritical support -- not unlike a con game,
Please don't misinterpret me -- to some degree, we all do this, me included. House's Credo: "Everybody lies. The only variable is about what." I differ with House in that it's not the WHAT that's interesting, but the WHY.

Last I checked, polyamory isn't particularly easy. In fact, it seems to require skills that are left atrophied or entirely nonexistent from being force-fed the catechism of Monogamy since birth.

Most human beings (me included), faced with yet another demand to Learn A New Skill, roll our eyes & try to sneak away. Even if it turns out to be simple AND useful, that "oh, god..." reaction remains.

And some of the skills that make polyamory a lot easier (if not actually easy) are scary, depressing, emotionally painful because they force us to confront experiences we'd really rather leave buried... even if they've turned into the very landmines that are causing problems right now.

FWIW, I deal better with "nebulous or abstract" than most people. However, experience has often taught me that such vagueness is NOT a positive in interpersonal communication, & best left for poetry & Top 40 songs.

Communicating in print leaves out a LOT of nuance (e.g. facial expression, vocal tone, body language), so is much less abstract than IRL communication. A person's initial online presentation often says volumes about their actual motivations & goals, before they are fully aware of how to shape their personal presentation to maximal self-serving effect upon this particular audience.

I don't LIKE to see people in pain. I don't LIKE to see people cause other people pain, especially those they claim to love. And, yes, I can get a bit terse when I see good-hearted, wrong-headed people supporting continuation of the pain.

Please just stop. My girlfriend and I already resolved our issues and the advice other people gave really helped. She too was worried that she may have been being too clingy and acknowledged that I have a right to space when necessary and I assured her that me dating someone new wouldn't mean she sees me less.

Why are you accusing people you don't even know of being cons on an advice forum (among all the other accusations you've hurled at me)? That's really mean and judgemental and you've made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable here. All I wanted was some advice and you started accusing me of being all these things I'm not and even put words into my mouth. The bulk of your logic doesn't make any sense, you're ignoring my clarifications, you seem to be quoting really outdated and problematic information on mental health and your approach is hardly constructive.

 

[KC43]

Although defending Ravenscroft isn't my usual thing, I don't think he was calling *you* a con, pandoradawn. At least not in the post you quoted. I read it as him saying we often have people coming here trying to con us, and that's accurate. We sometimes have people post what essentially amounts to an attempt at erotic fiction (actually fiction; nothing they say is real), or people who are lying or misrepresenting their situation, such as saying their partner is abusive when there's not even any questionable behavior on their partner's part.

Of course, it is difficult to prove whether those things are cons or not, since we all post anonymously, but I've seen times when someone's been called out for posting stories, or for lying, and they've become defensive and argumentative enough that there appears to be some truth to the accusation.

In your case, I wouldn't think there is any deception going on from you to us. I think you may have perceived some aspects of your situation differently from what is actually going on, but perception is highly subjective, and as Hubby often says, perception is reality. That is, if you perceive something a certain way, that becomes *your* reality, even if it isn't the reality everyone else perceives.

The best advice I'll give you, though, is that there's a handy little feature on this forum that allows you to put posters on "ignore." If someone here is making you feel unsafe, or makes you want to leave, just use that feature; then you won't see any of their posts, but you'll still be able to get advice and information from everyone else. (If someone posts something outright threatening, also report it to a moderator, but the mods here do an excellent job of monitoring things to keep it from getting to that point.)

 

[IndieSolo]

Pandoradawn, I think what I'm seeing is a huge difference in communication styles between you and Ravenscroft. It looks like you have misunderstood or misconstrued his intent. I know he meant to be helpful, but perhaps his language made that hard to see. I am certain he wasn't accusing you of anything, and he did include himself in his description of how people operate (from his perspective).

You don't have to feel uncomfortable or unsafe here - we are all just anonymous people tapping away on our keyboards and touch-screens. I was thinking about this today (because of something that happened in my daily life, unrelated to this forum): everybody is a little fucked-up or weird in their own way, and it's just a matter of finding people whose weirdness connects well with our own. Sometimes we connect really well, and sometimes we can only look at the other person and say "WTF???" Then we just have to move on.

Anyway, yes, we try to make this forum as safe a place as possible for people to express themselves and ask for advice. If we see name-calling and personal attacks, the posters receive infractions or are banned. BUT this is the internet and anyone can post their opinions, and it's possible you will not like reading much or any of that. So, when you get advice on an internet forum, you just gotta roll with what makes sense to you, and discard the rest.

My request is that this thread doesn't devolve into an argument. If it does, I'll have to close it. Pandoradawn, you can put any member on your Ignore List and you won't see their posts - that can be done in the "User Control Panel" (click the User CP link at top). And you don't need to respond at all to posts that irritate you. I hope you stay and continue to participate. Ravenscroft, I think you've said what you wanted to say, and it hasn't landed well, so in this case adding more would be like rubbing salt in a wound.

Thanks, folks.