Feeling insecure

anamikanon

New member
Been in a relationship with a guy for a couple of years. We'd left it open as long as we are committed to making us work. We live in separate cities. He mostly visits me and we are quite happy with the relationship. Recently he has met someone and entered into a relationship with her. I sort of guessed spontaneously almost immediately and he reacted very badly, intending to break our relationship. I took it hard.

Turns out he was new to the relationship and had not figured out how to speak about it and reacted badly and apologized. It went on for a few days till it has settled somewhat though he doesn't want us to stop anymore.

I am an older woman who already has a child and had him at a somewhat older age as well. I was his first lover. Due to circumstances I cannot disclose here, I very rarely go out of my home. The new woman and he share many interests, live in the same city. Not having had children, her body likely feels way different from mine. And I am going crazy here. This man is family. I love him. My son loves him. He has been there with us through some rough times. It has been a pretty intense relationship. Even now, we love each other - though we haven't met since he started with the new woman.

All was going well, out of the blue we were over. Because I realized he was involved with someone (I did not react badly at all. I still don't have a problem with the relationship, per se.). He later regretted it deeply, then was insensitive again, then regretted again and it went on for a while. He didn't want to talk about her and I couldn't leave it alone - not in the sense of having a problem with it, but I needed to know what we were getting into. It was my life with being decided too between them!

He assures me he loves me and that he handled it very badly but has no intention of leaving us. But somehow, perhaps I'm not over the trauma of how the new relationship entered our life together - I am just insecure that she is way more perfect for him than we are, and eventually I am just going to end up forgotten.

We hadn't explicitly got into a polyamorous relationship as such, though it was explicitly within the scope of what we agreed - that our relationship was between us and not between either of us and anyone else. As long as we were committed to each other, all was well.

I just need someone to talk to.
 
I'm glad you're here. Though you hadn't sought to be in a polyamorous relationship... well, it's in pretty rough shape, & far from "ideal poly," but this place is certainly populated with people of wide experience.

By all means, talk. Ask questions -- doesn't have to be about nonmonogamy. If you wish, sort out your feelings, & get feedback if that's what you want.
 
Have any of you been in something similar?

I guess I'm looking for ideas how to cope with this. He loves me. At least so far. I don't doubt that. At all. But I am very badly rattled.
 
Hi anamikanon,

It seems to me that the guy you've been in a relationship with has been rather abrupt in switching to another relationship with another woman. He is not saying, "That's it, we're done," but he was acting like that for awhile.

I think that one can be in love with more than one person, but, one can be responsible with both of the people one is in love with. I am troubled about your guy being so quick about the idea of breaking up, I know he is not doing that right now but I am still troubled.

Hopefully Polyamory.com can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Yes Kevin.

Also I know him very very deeply in many ways. It is my genuine opinion that he was not ready for polyamory. He is way more conservative than I am about many things, lives with his parents (who already know me as the woman he plans to marry) in a society with no acceptance for polyamory. He is very non-confrontational till he explodes in dysfunctional ways. I don't see how he could have made this work beyond initiating in any case.

Regardless, we had very many long talks, I shared my reservations and also reservations with how he has been acting in ways completely alien to his normal self when talking about this relationship and has often been aghast on thinking things through. For example wanting to end us, then spending the last five days as traumatized as I am that he did something like this to me.

We had many talks. Many. It seems to be like we are talking all day. The more the thing dragged, the more uneasy about his other relationship I got. Yesterday, he says he called it off. Apparently the other woman had realized that this was coming too from how he had been with her.

So it seems right now we are back to what we were. A deeply in love, committed couple with a possibility for open relationships explicitly stated, but none at the moment. I did make sure that he knows I'm not against him having a relationship, but I insist that while we are together, and so entwined, it impacts my future too, and must be discussed. He agrees.

Too early to know right now if this is over or what. I'll be going to his city and home for the first time in our relationship at the end of this month. Living with his family and leaving my son with them while I go for some work. Hopefully that will help ground us better.
 
I think you are right that he is not really ready for poly. It sounds like he reacted badly because he is not used to a woman being okay with him seeing someone else (from the background you gave).

I don't think being insecure is a character flaw in your case. It is hard to feel secure when someone acts like that.

Who's idea was it to have an open relationship? Are you planning on having other partners?
 
It was my idea, I guess. But it wasn't so much about polyamory or open relationship as the idea that our relationship would be between us and I wasn't offering control over my life beyond it or wanting it over another. Including relationships with others. I'd been off sex for a while. Bad marriage, separation, child at home, etc. He had never had sex.

In the beginning I was resistant to the idea of a relationship at all. I'd mostly given up on men after a couple of heartbreaks with jerks (and wasn't interested in women) and was happy to be the sole provider of my orgasms, so to say. He got interested in me, came over to visit and we hit it off. He never pushed me, never asked for more than I wanted to give but was there with us so beautifully, it just happened.

Then he wanted a marriage, I explained that I was done belonging to anyone. We could walk along for life, but I wanted to be self-owned (in the sense of not catering to expectations as someone's wife). He kept trying to persuade me, eventually got comfortable as we are, though the subject still comes up. Then he came up with a reason that made marriage actually sound like a good idea - him being able to care for my son in the event something happened to me + his work insurance covered family health - my son has medical issues. Marrying me, and adopting him legally would secure his interests very well. We'd been considering that when this happened.

Not that marriage would still be a deal breaker for having other relationships, but that it wasn't at all sounding like either of us were looking anywhere.

I don't know if this answers it. In the sense that our deal was more about a larger picture than an agreement specifically about sex or implying that seeking other relationships was in any way a "to do" item. Just that it wouldn't be a problem if it happened as long as we were good with each other.

I am not planning other partners as of now. Too much maintenance. I am asocial by nature, like my space a lot and am very committed to a relationship, which takes mental bandwidth. Adding a partner would offer me nothing in particular that I foresee at this point and take up a lot of my resources. This is not to close off the possibility that I may come across someone truly amazing that would render these considerations irrelevant, but it isn't very likely. I am very picky, prickly and highly independent. Self owned. Very few men in my circles are actually the type who would be able to love me without getting tangled in all the traditional/social expectations from a woman's role in a couple. I am done with all that. No interest at all.
 
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Just a clarification

The more the thing dragged, the more uneasy about his other relationship I got.

Just want to clarify here, my issue was not with the relationship, but about his behavior around it. Reserve to the point of me not knowing anything that could help me assess the impact to our lives. No introduction even after repeated requests and him agreeing, etc. And this is after he has spent days convincing me he loves me till even the most skeptical would be convinced. He basically is himself not comfortable with both of us in same space or me knowing about her. More like classic cheating in a monogamy than a polyamorous relationship. My unease was that if he wants monogamy, then I want that woman out of the picture. If he can handle both, I don't mind.
 
He basically is himself not comfortable with both of us in same space or me knowing about her. More like classic cheating in a monogamy than a polyamorous relationship. My unease was that if he wants monogamy, then I want that woman out of the picture. If he can handle both, I don't mind.
Call it a first try. As "getting comfortable" is a process, I think there is a good chance he can do better next times.
 
Call it a first try. As "getting comfortable" is a process, I think there is a good chance he can do better next times.

That's the sense I got. His excitement before everything went south was very real. And I said as much to him, but I guess this isn't the time to talk about it for a while. I do think he wants it but is far from ready to even try due to other social factors in his life. Or for that matter, mine. But I am a bit better at dismissing opinions about my personal matters than he is. He dismisses them but is sensitive to them and ends up self destructive because of them anyway.

I guess in a few years, if/when he isn't living with his parents, it may get easier. Also it will take him learning to speak about emotions, relationships, etc which he finds very difficult.

Let us see. I do hope I don't find someone before him, because if he isn't ready, then I probably wouldn't go into it and would be a pity all around, because given as picky and disinterested as I am, would take someone phenomenal. Chances are low. Not just am I not looking, I'm not even inclined if something falls into my lap. Don't have an issue with polyamory at all, but am asocial and happy like that for the most part. This one infiltrated in somehow.
 
Hmmm - from what you've posted, it sounds like maybe the other woman didn't know he was in another serious relationship.
 
Hmmm - from what you've posted, it sounds like maybe the other woman didn't know he was in another serious relationship.

Oh she most certainly did. It is not possible to know him to any extent without hearing about me and my son. He tells everyone about us. And he also said that he told her.

I have no idea what they were imagining they were up to knowing that I knew about the relationship but not engaging with me. How she imagined it could last. Particularly given that he himself is very much into me. Not like he is comfortable cheating or would like the idea of cheating me in any manner. And I don't think he sends any mixed signals about this. I've seen him talk, heard him be ribbed over being so besotted. Just uneasy speaking about the whole thing with me and hoping my being okay with polyamory covers it.
 
I have no idea what they were imagining they were up to knowing that I knew about the relationship but not engaging with me. ...
Just uneasy speaking about the whole thing with me and hoping my being okay with polyamory covers it.
There are some people who don't want to engage in any way with a metamour, and even some hinges who prefere separating relationships. There are people who can do the "don't ask don't tell" approach. Perhaps she is one of them. There is nothing wrong with it, though I can see how this wouldn't work for you very well.
OR just someone who was not really comfortable with being poly, not getting the concept, perhaps partly hoping that he will break up.
 
OR just someone who was not really comfortable with being poly, not getting the concept, perhaps partly hoping that he will break up.

My gut says it is this. All three. He's shown distinct discomfort talking about that relationship. The only time he's been able to say anything real about it is in explosions after endless stonewalling. He also seemed to think that either of us could get into serious relationships without any warning to the other without realizing that our relationship would get impacted by it. And he did say a few times stuff like "if we have sex, it will be over in a week" - immediately after I guessed he was attracted to him and he reacted in that awful way. Mentioned several times he'd break up with her, and so on. And then actually did it. Though I confess I had a big hand in it when it finally happened. I just didn't see it enriching anyone - the woman included and it was doing harm all around.

I also think me being asocial is a factor in this. I don't let people in easily. I accepted him way after he was already devoted to us (me and son) in whatever capacity I would accept. Those who are in my circle of love are precious and I am devoted to them, which now includes him. But I don't like people in general. I can get along socially very well, if I need to, but I don't like it. I find it stressful. The idea of a complete stranger (and one who seemed to be being kept a stranger despite all efforts to know and accept) having an in on my life through such an important part of it will not work for me. It didn't work now, it won't work ever. I am not saying any prospective partner of his will have to woo me over too. But I am saying that I must have a sense of them being trustworthy and some at the very least. Nor will I be able to handle casual sex on a routine basis for that reason. An occasional thing is irrelevant.. I don't want the relationship to turn into a drive-by sex thing unless at some point it turns out to be a real need for someone, then I guess we'd have to figure out. I'd probably go platonic and distance son at that point. I don't know. Just guessing.

This isn't about fears and insecurities or anything. in my experience, we are all influenced by our lovers. I don't want someone tracking in new influences into my bed all the time and a perpetual state of adapting to the changed him. Of course relationships keep reconfiguring and I'm not saying it shouldn't happen at all, but not trivially. It takes mental bandwidth. I don't want a state of perpetually being in flux with new people. We are a family. We have a child to nurture, a home to create. Not to mention fairly conservative in-laws to juggle. I'm not going to be the one left making explanations for routine vanishing acts or refusing to answer questions - and he is uncommunicative when he feels awkward about something. It is worse than a sullen teenager. At least right now, I don't imagine him explaining his new relationship well enough to anyone that it wouldn't be my headache. Less about jealousy and more about "too much maintenance" on an emotional level. It never seemed like we needed to talk about this, but after this, I guess we should anyway.

I don't want to prevent relationships for him, but I would need him to handle them with far more sophistication than he seems capable at the moment. Most importantly, I'm not footing the emotional bill for his taking easy ways out.
 
I don't blame you ...
 
I am a little confused, but perhaps it will become clearer as you continue to share. I will write down what I hear you saying, I could be off base, feel free to correct my understanding.

I am not sure how old you are: an older woman (older than your bf) (and maybe you could choose a nickname for him). Your bf is young enough that he was a virgin when you met. I am going to guess he is early 20s and you are mid to late 30s?

You had a child, but weren't in a relationship with his father? Have you had much sexual/relationship experience yourself? Being as you don't leave the house much, seem to be an extreme introvert, I wonder.

Do you find the age gap between you and Bf difficult? You have what? a decade more of experiences than him? How will this play out?

Bf isn't good at talking about his emotions, but that is necessary for a healthy relationship. However, in conservative circles, men are discouraged from identifying their emotions, much less sharing them, and working out how to act upon them. This seems to be to be top priority as you proceed here. In poly, excellent self awareness and communication are required. Of course, 20somethings are not highly self aware, usually. That takes time, experience, etc.

If he has only ever had one sex partner/gf (you) and is still so young, perhaps he needs to experience more women before settling down (with you, or with someone else, or both). Most people do. Dating several people works as practice, helps us learn our preferences, boundaries, goals for life, etc., etc. But it sounds like it will be very difficult for him to date when you struggle with feeling jealous/competitive at the first stages of him meeting someone else (comparing bodies, for example, assuming she will be "better" all around, and he will leave you for her ).

It is made more difficult by the fact that he lives somewhat distant to you. And yet, he seeks marriage with you, having come from a conservative family where that is "what you do" when you love someone. Make it official, legal, godly.

You haven't met his family yet. But you're going to go stay with them while you are on a work related visit, leave your son with them. Certainly if you plan to marry this young man it's nice to meet his parents.

However, you don't *need* to meet every gf he plans to date... That can be nice, but metamours (2 people dating the same person) do not have to meet. If they meet, they don't need to be friends. She might be very different from you, yet please him in other ways. That doesn't make her better, just different. I can like 2 platonic friends, or 2 lovers, a lot, but one may be very sporty, one may be musical; one into comics, the other into foreign films, etc. One may be thin, one may be full figured. One may be an athlete, the other have physical handicaps. One may be 28, one may be 70. One may be an omnivore gourmand, one may not like to eat much at all. It doesn't mean one is better than the other. It just means I get to enjoy different things. I like variety, so I like that.

You are willing to marry for the social benefits, despite your opposing desire to be independent and solo. You'd like medical benefits for your (special needs?) son. That is certainly a consideration. You have a conflict for yourself right there you need to resolve somehow.

You asked to meet this woman he had just taken up with, to determine for yourself if she is worthy of him, or trustworthy in general. But who knows? He'd only just met her. He didn't want to subject her to an interview by you to see if she qualifies for the job, so to speak. You could decide to trust Bf to choose his other lovers, and find out for himself if another woman is a healthy person for him to relationship with long term. You could trust he cares enough about you (and your son he seems to co-parent with) to choose an OSO who would be able to fit well into this V he is proposing. Of course, not every relationship a poly person gets into will have long term potential, but one doesn't know about the fit until one gives it a shot!

You came here, to a poly board, to vent about what kind of open relationship you'd like to have with this young man. Polyamory means many loves. It also means everything is discussed and consented to by all parties. If you want to be poly (or mono/poly, where he dates others but you don't) you need to become comfortable with your Bf falling in love with another person. He needs to become comfortable with it too!

Also if he does want to gain more relationship experience with others, as I alluded to earlier, not every woman he meets will be his 2nd Ms Right. Some might seem very cool at first, during infatuation (new relationship energy) but turn out to be only so-so, and it ends after a few weeks or months. It can seem like a revolving door. You need to find confidence and trust that even if he does date, you are loved by him, and he isn't actually mono, wherein he falls out of love with you when he falls for someone else. But you won't know until he tries... There are no guarantees. Especially since he so young and had no sexual experience before you.
 
If he has only ever had one sex partner/gf (you) and is still so young, perhaps he needs to experience more women before settling down (with you, or with someone else, or both). Most people do. Dating several people works as practice, helps us learn our preferences, boundaries, goals for life, etc., etc. But it sounds like it will be very difficult for him to date when you struggle with feeling jealous/competitive at the first stages of him meeting someone else (comparing bodies, for example, assuming she will be "better" all around, and he will leave you for her ).
You asked to meet this woman he had just taken up with, to determine for yourself if she is worthy of him, or trustworthy in general. But who knows? He'd only just met her. He didn't want to subject her to an interview by you to see if she qualifies for the job, so to speak. You could decide to trust Bf to choose his other lovers, and find out for himself if another woman is a healthy person for him to relationship with long term. You could trust he cares enough about you (and your son he seems to co-parent with) to choose an OSO who would be able to fit well into this V he is proposing. Of course, not every relationship a poly person gets into will have long term potential, but one doesn't know about the fit until one gives it a shot!
Magdlyn said it instead of me. He needs his own room for trial and error, in dating and life. Finding out if he even wants to date a particular person, and if she wants to date him, is somewhat shaky and scary and delicate, and it needs to develop with it's own speed.
Anamikanon, I get that you are frustrated about the lack of communication - anyone would - but at the same time it seems like you are seeking control over the situation by telling him what to do and trying to fit the new partner into your idea of a happy family.
I very much dislike the idea that you will assess the trustworthiness of his partners. It's like the old-fashioned parent who wants to approve of his daughters lover. Actually, you are taking his power away from him - he can assess himself who is good for him and who isn't, and his criteria may be different then yours!

I've had recently a similar situation, where I was considering dating someone, and Idealist became convinced that I 'don't know what I'm doing' because he freaked out over the first date. He also had an expectation that the new person should approach him first. I didn't feel like I should ask this from a prospective partner at all. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to experiment with the intimacy first, and I felt like only if a more stable relationship develops, then it is worth to put in the effort to bring the two men closer together. Idealist was very much opposed to the idea that I would be intimate with someone without letting them talk first.
So there I was, trying to be a hinge for the first time, and my (supposedly experienced) poly partner was telling me that I was doing it wrong and that he'll tell me how to do it. It was really hard on my confidence. I had to stand up and insist on navigating my relationships myself. I had to ask him for more trust that I can do it. I also had to give up the new person for awhile because of the conflict with Idealist.
Two months later I arranged for the intimate meeting I initially wanted. I just told Idealist I would, and he swollowed his objections. After the meeting I found out quickly that I don't want to continue the new relationship.

I call it a first try. The continuation was better.
I am sure your next time will be better too.
 
I am a little confused, but perhaps it will become clearer as you continue to share. I will write down what I hear you saying, I could be off base, feel free to correct my understanding.

You are off base in many places, but I really really appreciate it that you are standing up for him and giving me food for thought.

I am not sure how old you are: an older woman (older than your bf) (and maybe you could choose a nickname for him). Your bf is young enough that he was a virgin when you met. I am going to guess he is early 20s and you are mid to late 30s?

He is 33. I am 39. Yes, he did not have sex for a long time and chose to have it for the first time with me.

You had a child, but weren't in a relationship with his father?

Separated.

Have you had much sexual/relationship experience yourself? Being as you don't leave the house much, seem to be an extreme introvert, I wonder.

I've been sexually active for over two decades. Several long relationships , some short. I am not so much unable to interact as unwilling. I have a high IQ, am skilled (by training as well as passion) in behavioral processes, which leads me to see nuances of behavior and relationship dynamics all the time in interactions and it is beyond me to not call out social bullshit. I enjoy those who don't trivial chatter too much.

Do you find the age gap between you and Bf difficult? You have what? a decade more of experiences than him? How will this play out?

I am not just older, but I'd been sexually active for two decades when we met. He wanted me, regardless of age. He has never wavered from that. There comes a point when you decide whether you want to adopt him and decide who he should not love or you acknowledge what is growing between the two of you. As far as I know, the gap hasn't been an issue since.

Bf isn't good at talking about his emotions, but that is necessary for a healthy relationship. However, in conservative circles, men are discouraged from identifying their emotions, much less sharing them, and working out how to act upon them.

This is the crux of the issue.

If he has only ever had one sex partner/gf (you) and is still so young, perhaps he needs to experience more women before settling down (with you, or with someone else, or both).

He has never shown an interest till now and even now it feels distinctly like cheating rather than poly and stopped soon. I was troubled that I was his first and only. To commit to an older woman with a child for life without having much experience of sex other than with her, seemed to me a bit hasty. I understand he sees sex as an extension of love and could have done it many times in his life and preferred not to (conservative). Now he wanted to. He's lived on his own for education considerably before returning to India as well as dated and is again living with his parents.

But it sounds like it will be very difficult for him to date when you struggle with feeling jealous/competitive at the first stages of him meeting someone else (comparing bodies, for example, assuming she will be "better" all around, and he will leave you for her ).

I am not jealous and was never jealous. I was insecure because he was uncommunicative and had shut me out about the relationship after deciding to end our relationship unilaterally after I found out about his new one. If *he* can't handle poly, then my fear was that he'd found a monogamous replacement.

It is made more difficult by the fact that he lives somewhat distant to you. And yet, he seeks marriage with you, having come from a conservative family where that is "what you do" when you love someone. Make it official, legal, godly.

Yes. Though it is no longer such a big deal.

However, you don't *need* to meet every gf he plans to date...

I don't expect to meet every relationship of his. We aren't even in the same city! But if he is uncommunicative or is acting in ways that threaten our relationship, I will not consent. Introductions can happen on chat or they won't be needed at all, if he can tell me where he stands. If he seems sorted, that is the end of the matter. But even at the risk of sounding controlling, I'm not going to let him destroy us all, him included, over a hard on and orthodox guilt.

You are willing to marry for the social benefits, despite your opposing desire to be independent and solo. You'd like medical benefits for your (special needs?) son. That is certainly a consideration. You have a conflict for yourself right there you need to resolve somehow.

I have been so loved unconditionally by him, it reassures me this won't be a cage. It would tear him apart to lose my son as well if something happened to me. I want him secure enough to exert his right on my son if the need arises. Right now the right is only one of love and responsibility with no legally recognized form. We still discuss this a lot. There is no decision, but marriage is looking likely, though not in any hurry.

You asked to meet this woman he had just taken up with, to determine for yourself if she is worthy of him, or trustworthy in general. But who knows?

I was happy when he found her. I was happy to try and adapt to their relationship. He didn't want it. He deliberately kept me in the dark and then it started getting full of lies and deceptions. If it comes down to taking this, I'd rather return to prim and proper monogamy. Deception does not work with me, and hoping I won't notice doesn't work either. I'm really sharp about people, and I know him in and out. I will see whether I want to or not. Why would I even be looking for something like that in what has so far been devotedly monogamous? I simply guessed from the way he said a few sentences on chat, not even on the phone. No stalking no going through pockets, smelling new perfume on him, nothing. Just a few sentences about someone, making him all happy and bubbly. I saw it, said it, was genuinely happy for him and it blew up, because he hadn't intended to tell me and I found out. I can't unsee. I don't see how it could functionally work.

Also if he does want to gain more relationship experience with others...

He has never sounded like he wants anything like that. I think he is uneasy with it, not me. I have a problem with deceptions, lies and evasions. I do much better with blunt refusals to share - they are honest and their own kind of communicative. Particularly because we are in separate cities. if we can't trust our words with each other while apart, then we have a problem.
 
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Magdlyn said it instead of me. He needs his own room for trial and error, in dating and life. Finding out if he even wants to date a particular person, and if she wants to date him, is somewhat shaky and scary and delicate, and it needs to develop with it's own speed.
Anamikanon, I get that you are frustrated about the lack of communication - anyone would - but at the same time it seems like you are seeking control over the situation by telling him what to do and trying to fit the new partner into your idea of a happy family.

That is the thing. I don't know that he believes in poly at all. Every attempt at conversation has led to disinterest on his part, though he has never objected to the premise of our relationship (but then I haven't acted very poly either - it is a more holistic thing for me than about sex specifically, and a single home bound mom doesn't get much sex life for multiple partners). Even after this fiasco. If he doesn't want poly, I can't push him into it. Thing is, if he wants mono, I don't want to encourage other relationships! I'm not sure he knows what he wants at this point. I guess we will find out as time passes.

I very much dislike the idea that you will assess the trustworthiness of his partners. It's like the old-fashioned parent who wants to approve of his daughters lover. Actually, you are taking his power away from him - he can assess himself who is good for him and who isn't, and his criteria may be different then yours!

This troubles me too. I don't want to control him. I am having difficulty seeing where the line is. Right now, I don't think I could have done things differently and remained sane. This was screwing with my head very badly. One day we are fine, the next I am a stranger, one day he loves me, the next he is unintentionally, but soul cuttingly cruel. He'd tell me one thing, do another - when there was no need to tell to begin with.... Not a price I am willing to pay. I was an emotional wreck. It was harming my health, my sanity, my ability to care for my son. It had to end, one way or the other. I don't think I'd be like this normally though. It is simply not me. If he seems sorted and we are good, I can't think of why I'd have a problem.

I've had recently a similar situation, where I was considering dating someone, and Idealist became convinced that I 'don't know what I'm doing' because he freaked out over the first date. He also had an expectation that the new person should approach him first. I didn't feel like I should ask this from a prospective partner at all. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to experiment with the intimacy first, and I felt like only if a more stable relationship develops, then it is worth to put in the effort to bring the two men closer together. Idealist was very much opposed to the idea that I would be intimate with someone without letting them talk first.
So there I was, trying to be a hinge for the first time, and my (supposedly experienced) poly partner was telling me that I was doing it wrong and that he'll tell me how to do it. It was really hard on my confidence. I had to stand up and insist on navigating my relationships myself. I had to ask him for more trust that I can do it. I also had to give up the new person for awhile because of the conflict with Idealist.
Two months later I arranged for the intimate meeting I initially wanted. I just told Idealist I would, and he swollowed his objections. After the meeting I found out quickly that I don't want to continue the new relationship.

I call it a first try. The continuation was better.
I am sure your next time will be better too.

Thank you for sharing this.
 
But it sounds like it will be very difficult for him to date when you struggle with feeling jealous/competitive at the first stages of him meeting someone else (comparing bodies, for example, assuming she will be "better" all around, and he will leave you for her ).

This you got totally wrong. I was happy for him. Wasn't even thinking of myself, let alone comparing. I didn't assume that he would leave me. He actually did break off when I found out. Till then there was no insecurity at all. The next day he admitted he had acted stupidly and wanted to be back. And he was sincere. How he acted had been completely at odds with how he it. But he wouldn't talk about her. He said it was nothing and he wasn't planning to act on it. Shaken, but taking it at face value, I left it at that. Then he suddenly ignored all contact from me at a time I was expecting it. On being asked point blank, he said he spent the night with her.

Still no info on where he stood with regard to anything. Then again repeat. Just left me to find out from silences.

This is not at all me assuming a problem. What is the point of leading me to expect we'd chatting at a time he was in bed with her? If I don't merit straight talk from a partner, I be insecure.
 
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