I think that your introversion and your character is such that you have very low patience with other people's human processes. You come across as impatient with others. Unforgiving. You are like a small step somewhere on the scale that leads to "I am superior to you and have contempt for you" in your tone.
This is true and deliberate and something I'm not likely to fix. It works very well as a barrier to unnecessary chatter and clutter.
Not to other posters or bf specifically, to other humans in general. But if you let this bleed into your view of your bf when you feel frustration with him, it can lead to a bad road...it doesn't make you better than everyone, or better than him.
Nah. I like him. And I'm not all that good.
Like my interpretation of the feeling behind your message is you want him to cut the crap and deal with you straight, and you don't have patience for the fact that he was confused. It's ok for him to be confused. Maybe he's got a process. He doesn't have the life experience to be where you're at and you know that. Try to be patient.
It is very very rare for me to overreact to anything. This may appear snobbish or superior, but it is simply statement of fact. I am usually thoroughly grounded in any situation - a side effect of a life of many challenges, wide experiences (sex and beyond). I don't rattle easy. Me freaking out this bad hasn't happened in over a decade. But when a confusion is causing him+her+me distress, and the issue is clearly visible to me, even if not to him, I think it is okay to make an exception and say I need this now, whether it is elegant process or not. I was a basket case. I didn't know where I stood, where he stood, what was going on with us, whether he even loved me anymore or was simply insisting out of commitment... Both our work was suffering, my son wasn't getting the attention he deserves. The woman had issues of her own, and being someone's second choice would and did cause her great insecurity. He himself was overstretched and way out of his depth.
I think he likely acted that way because he's been indoctrinated into such strong social norms that he's got a hard time thinking outside of that box, despite your assurances that it's perfectly ok to do so. Polyamory scares him. He's super mono-normative in his thinking. So he freaked a bit because he didn't comprehend (probably still does not) how to take his interest in this other woman as anything but a threat to the love he's got for you.
I think so too.
You understood that more clearly than him, and instead of letting him process through to his own conclusion, you jumped to "I totally understand this problem, here is how you solve it." Unfortunately...emotional confusion doesn't always respond to that particular logic-antibiotic.
I am in another city. If he didn't agree with me, there was no way I could make him do anything. Also, even though I stated my stand strongly, I didn't actually MAKE him do it. But when a lot of immature choices keep escalating, sometimes it is useful to simply say "Halt now. Grow up. These are real people you are playing with." I am not being superior, he describes what he did in far less polite terms. He could see the harm he was doing, but attempts to fix anything were making it worse.
He was scared because even though you gave him permission to be poly, and it might even be a good idea for him to have a bit more sexual experience in his life...he only REALLY, on deep and genuine levels, understands how to process things as monogamy, or a transition from one relationship to the next. He doesn't truly get how you can give your love to more than one. And maybe he just isn't wired for it. Some people just ARE monogamous. So he's all confused, because he likes that gal but doesn't want to give you up, and you're like "If you're gonna poly, then poly right and if you're gonna mono, then stop trying to poly!" It was too much to try and process and he shut down, which then upset you because there was radio silence and no way to know if he'd followed your orders or went off the reservation...until he broke it off with her and now all is well.
We're still working our way through this. Just breaking off with her doesn't flip a switch. In fact, given that my issue wasn't her, all that breaking off did was stopped the distress everyone was going through and gave him some space to orient himself so that we could work through the hurt between us. It is improving. The my visit there will do us a world of good.
Oh, and interestingly, are you familiar with the concept of "solo poly" and the "relationship escalator?" I think that poly or mono, you've kind of embraced the solo part (I am solo poly myself) and rejected for the most part, the "relationship escalator" (as have I, though for different reasons than you)...these are some convenient labels that might help you define your position. After I got out of my marriage and started dating, I had a difficult time because I wanted real relationships, with meaning and emotional bonds, if I was going to have anything at all...not casual flings. But I did NOT want to get in one where my partner thought that "serious" means moving in, getting married, picking out china and having babies. I'm over it, done that, no more thankyouverymuch. Well it turns out...solo poly works perfectly for me.
I found this forum distressed and needing a place to talk and discovered that what we'd agreed to could count as polyamory that night. Still new to terms. Now finding out.
I think that it might be helpful to you and your boyfriend to discuss, outside of the confusing context of him being emotionally interested in another woman, whether he is even capable of being ethically polyamorous or whether he is at heart simply a monogamous dude who developed an interest in another woman. If he isn't able to process loving more than one woman at a time, no amount of you saying "it's fine, really, do whatever you want" is going to make it healthy or ok for him. Maybe getting a solid handle on his nature and how he needs to operate in relationships will be good for both of you before you commit any further.
Probably some time in the future. My sensing of his excitement then was that he wanted it. Since then he seems completely disinterested. On initiating a dialogue, he says he is not interested anymore. I think once we are on a more solid footing, and if there seems to be a suitable moment, we could perhaps discuss this. Right now, i seem to be it for him.
Congrats on finding such a good match though, when you had pretty much given up on it, and I send my sincerest best wishes for a bright future in your general direction!
This is one thing I got really lucky on. Left to me, we'd never even have met, let alone got to this point. I simply was not interested. And yet he was exactly what I needed. Even now, some days I am astonished. We are also quite different in personalities. He is outgoing, very social. I am prickly and remote. In intimate relationship, I am more engaging, he can be remote. Yet we somehow are what the other needs best.
