I'm starting to wonder if all is worth it

L

LondonGuy

New member
I love the feeling of falling in love. I've always considered myself situationally polyamorous - that is to say I'm neither 100% poly, nor 100% mono but capable of living either lifestyle if the situation seems appropriate. However this last week or so I've been feeling confused about a few things and I don't even know where to begin discussing it with my girlfriend.

I used to live in London, dates were relatively easy to come by, the poly community is thriving and there's a general open minded progressiveness about the city. While living there I was dating a girl in Boston, MA; it's not as crazy as it seems - when we started dating my company was sending me out there every 6 months and she was due to be doing an 8 week placement in London. Essentially Polyamory was definitely right for me at the time.

She was also poly and shortly after we got together started dating another woman. We've all stayed friends and that other woman is due to shortly become her wife, something I'm delighted for them about. My first experience of the scene really was this massive flood of compersion and I loved it. I thought compersion was something I feel really strongly.

Now however, I'm living much further north in the middle of a rural area where nothing happens and there's nobody around. There are 3 poly meetups/communities within 100 miles but none within 75. So I'd be looking at a minimum 2 hour drive to any potential dates.

Over the last 15 months I have had 3 dates. 1 was awful, 1 was ok and 1 was pretty good. But none of them left me thinking this is worth the massive amount of time required to invest into it. Relationships are time consuming and I had to block out a full day really just for each date.

The combined experiences have left me questioning pretty heavily whether I would be better off just taking a step back. My relationship with my primary partner is the best relationship I've ever had. I feel complete with her.

Meanwhile my primary partner works in a very demanding job. It sucks up 60 hrs approx of her week. We see each other twice a week and I really value that time. But she revealed to me at the weekend that she has a really big crush on one of her colleagues and I got a big rush of jealousy.

I can't work out what it is that's causing it though;

1) It's possible that it's just because my dates aren't going successfully

2) It's possibly just that her time is already at a premium and I worry about her available time for me reducing

3) It's possible that my brain is scared by the potential changes on the horizon. I was only the second partner she's ever had. The idea of her dating generally is a bit of a shift for me

4) It's possible that maybe over the last 2 years or so my brains consciously or sub consciously shifting me back towards a more mono life

5) It's possible that maybe I'm scared by the idea of an established partner dating someone new - that's never happened before. The only time a partner has ever dated someone else was while we were still in NRE

6) It's possibly to do with this being a guy? I hope this isn't playing on my mind, I don't ever want to be that guy that tries to demand a OPP. I've had male metamours before and never had a problem with it then. But somehow this all feels scarier than 3 years ago when my then girlfriend started dating another woman in MA

7) It's possibly something to do with the fact that they work together. I can't think how or why this would really upset me though

8) It's possibly something to do with her being the first partner I've ever felt like I *could* happily be mono with for the rest of my life. She is my perfect match in terms of what my needs are within a relationship and what I'm able to bring in return

9) I don't have it confirmed yet but I'm guessing this new guy is mono? It's possible that my worries are centred on what it is he's looking for

I want to rationalise my thoughts out so that I can decide either I'm being stupid or maybe there's some sort of route forward for her and her crush. Or maybe I have that hard conversation with her about whether she would be happy being mono - either way it would be a dick move to do so just after she's told me about this new crush. It wouldn't be fair to say now.

I wish my brain would just stop being so confused, stop worrying and enjoy life. If this new person brings her happiness then that's a good thing, right?
 
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Why does it have to be just one thing that you are worried about? It could be some or all of these things, which may be why you sounds like you are feeling a bit confused. What a tangle of emotions to dig through!

However... it looks to me like most of these have to do with a lack of information, and many of your possible concerns seem to fall into a single category:

Will your relationship with your partner change because of this new metamour?

This is a reasonable concern, in my view, when you don't have any information. Have you asked her any questions about how she sees this possible new relationship working? Often I find that jealousy is fed by fear, but knowledge is the death of both.
 
Hi LondonGuy,

I don't suppose there's any chance you could move back to London? It seems like you were happier when you lived there.

What's your work environment like? Any chance of getting your own work crush?

I think FeatherFool is right about the need for more information. You don't know if your primary's new crush is mono, for crying out loud. Ask her and get confirmation. Ask her how that's going to work.

Keep us updated on your situation, and we'll try to think of more feedback.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I don't suppose there's any chance you could move back to London? It seems like you were happier when you lived there.
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I wasn't happier when I was in London. Sure getting a date there was easier and polyamory suited my situation at the time... but I was a long way from family. Then there's the fact that London pays 15% more than the rest of the country but costs you 30% more so I wasn't any better off. Finally because of the size of the kink/poly scenes there any drama is amplified. There are things I miss, but ultimately I've never been as happy as I have been over the last 15 months or so.

What's your work environment like? Any chance of getting your own work crush?
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I don't want to go there. Gossip spreads around my office VERY quickly and it's not nice. I have sort of been propositioned by someone at my office, but a) she didn't know I was poly at the time and therefore seemingly condones cheating b) she does have a partner and c) she has a track record of using flirtation and sex to get what she wants (including 3 promotions in just 18 months of working there). Not a good partner for something that intends to be ETHICALLY non monogamous.

There is one very close friend of mine at work who knows about the poly situation but nobody else does. It also doesn't help that the team I sit with contains 2 very conservative and quite traditional Christians; I've heard them speaking about monogamy/marriage/sexuality before and they're so backward I want to slap them!! Unfortunately they're work colleagues and I would rather have a peaceful life there and keep my support of such things private.

Part of me is thinking that maybe I've been happiest over this last 15 months in part because my girlfriend and I have been living effectively a mono life? This genuinely is the most fulfilling relationship I've ever had and I feel very complete within that. But maybe that's just a snap reaction to my current jealousy?

Other that what have I had? Very few dates, one brief relationship that lasted 5 weeks and I ended because it wasn't right.
 
Just wanted to say that I live in your area and I know how 'isolated' it feels - progressive isn't the word for round here. Because I'm not 'out' as poly to my partner I feel it'd be wrong for us to meet and chat polystuff, but, you're not alone! Maybe it just needs someone to put the feelers out and drag people together for a more local scene?
 
I just really want to applaud your approach to these issues. You are not, near as I can tell, just acting out badly like a lot of people do who get overwhelmed by troubling emotional turmoil. You're trying to work through it.

I'd suggest you use this list as a starting point, and add anything to it that you feel the need to. And then think about each item and ask, "Is this the kind of issue I want to ask my partner for help in addressing and/or resolving, or is this just my stuff, my baggage to stow." Consider which items would be most helped by talking it through with your partner. Bring your notes to that talk. I think that most of what I saw in your list, were valid items of uncertainty. The ones more centered around your difficulties in dating aren't so much her problem, though they do help to explain why, with that frustration on top of everything else, you feel a bit uncomfortable in her having and pursuing another opportunity. At the very least, in changing the existing dynamic, you need to renegotiate the terms you currently live with, if it is to remain functional and fulfilling.

The most concrete problem is time. Time is a tough one for me too, and you've got my sympathy in that. I hope it all works out ok for you.
 
LondonGuy said:
Over the last 15 months I have had 3 dates. 1 was awful, 1 was ok and 1 was pretty good. But none of them left me thinking this is worth the massive amount of time required to invest into it. Relationships are time consuming and I had to block out a full day really just for each date.

The combined experiences have left me questioning pretty heavily whether I would be better off just taking a step back. My relationship with my primary partner is the best relationship I've ever had. I feel complete with her.
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I've always thought there was something about the language of polyamory that makes poly folk feel somehow compelled to date multiple people, even when it's not what they want. Defining "polyamorous" as "having multiple loving relationships" almost implies that you're not really poly if you currently have only one love in your life. I don't like that.

Most of the non-monogamous people I know in real life just say they have an open relationship. I like the way that phrase works even if you're not out there dating others - your relationship is still open, the option is still there. (Open relationship comes with a bunch of couple privilege and such, obviously I'm not advocating we all drop the term poly ;), just noting the linguistic nuances here.)

I don't see that you have to choose to be forever monogamous just because dating isn't fun right now. You can still be poly and just not actively seek new partners, if that's what feels comfortable. Maybe you'll meet someone who blows your mind, and that will change. Maybe in a year or two you'll want to devote the time and energy to dating. Or maybe you'll stick with the one partner for decades, but know the possibility of other relationships exists.

Meanwhile my primary partner works in a very demanding job. It sucks up 60 hrs approx of her week. We see each other twice a week and I really value that time. But she revealed to me at the weekend that she has a really big crush on one of her colleagues and I got a big rush of jealousy.

I can't work out what it is that's causing it though;
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This part is harder for me, because I'd go INSANE only seeing a primary partner twice a week :eek:.

I will say that, when I can't find the root of my uncomfortable feelings, I try to play out different scenarios in my mind. Usually I'll find I have a positive or neutral reaction to most possibilities, and then I'll hit one (or more) what-if scenarios that make me go "oh hell no!"

In your case... Maybe you imagine your primary kissing a guy, and that seems fine. You imagine only getting one night a week with her, and that's not great, but it doesn't trigger any strong feelings. Then you imagine them at work together all day, and your heart races and you feel like you're losing your mind... Ok, you found (one of) the things that's bugging you. And then, as Spork said, figure out if it's something you need to talk over with your partner.
 
feeling the same here

To OP: this is very, very similar to the situation I'm in, or at least all the questions you're asking feel similar. I'm getting married in a little over a month, we've been open for something like 4 out of 6 years or so. She has had multiple partners, local and long distance, and some more casual encounters to go along with that. Now, I hadn't tried to date anyone truly until this year; I just wasn't emotionally ready for it. I started looking for people to meet at the end of last year, and have had a few dates, out of which I made one friend and had no sex. I feel completely alone sometimes; it helps to hear someone else is trying to solve the same emotionally confusing and complex problems I am.
 
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Meanwhile my primary partner works in a very demanding job. It sucks up 60 hrs approx of her week. We see each other twice a week and I really value that time. But she revealed to me at the weekend that she has a really big crush on one of her colleagues and I got a big rush of jealousy.

I can't work out what it is that's causing it though;
This part is harder for me, because I'd go INSANE only seeing a primary partner twice a week .
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I've gotten used to it :) I see her at least one work night a week and usually once on a weekend. Plus I help out however I can; doing cooking, laundry, housework, grocery shopping etc...

Her work is usually in the day, but one week in every 4 or so she'll be doing nights so then I tend to make us a nice cooked breakfast/dinner and we eat together before I drop her off. It's all very workable. She's reassured me since I last posted that no new partner would ever cut down on her seeing me at least twice a week, so that little worry is easing.

It's still going to take some processing but I honestly think I could be ok with it. I want her to have that freedom.

Either way, due to recent feelings of not being sure what I want from poly anymore and with recent big ugly drama in the local kink scene I've decided to just take a step back. I'm not insisting that my partner do the same, but for me I need this right now. I've temporarily deactivated my OKCupid account, handed over the reigns to the local munch and removed Fetlife and OKC from my favourites meaning it won't be the go to place every time I load up the internet.

Focusing on me, rather than dating, is feeling really good right now.
 
Sounds like you're making the right decisions for you.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
Most of the non-monogamous people I know in real life just say they have an open relationship. I like the way that phrase works even if you're not out there dating others - your relationship is still open, the option is still there. (Open relationship comes with a bunch of couple privilege and such, obviously I'm not advocating we all drop the term poly ;), just noting the linguistic nuances here.)
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This.

Actually, this is why I would label my relationship as "poly" (in that I have two relationships) and "open" (in that we are not averse to pursuing new relationships should the opportunity arise) but "not looking"(i.e. not seeking new partners)

GirlFromTexlahoma said:
I don't see that you have to choose to be forever monogamous just because dating isn't fun right now. You can still be poly and just not actively seek new partners, if that's what feels comfortable. Maybe you'll meet someone who blows your mind, and that will change. Maybe in a year or two you'll want to devote the time and energy to dating. Or maybe you'll stick with the one partner for decades, but know the possibility of other relationships exists.
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And this.

If you view poly as an orientation, then your current relationships don't need to change that. (i.e. one can be celibate and gay)

If you view poly as a relationship status - then poly/mono status is relationship dependent. You can by poly/mono-"flexible" but "open" to possibilities.

Make your own rules. Define your own labels. You don't "have to" do anything other than be true to yourself.
 
JaneQSmythe said:
Make your own rules. Define your own labels. You don't "have to" do anything other than be true to yourself.
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Well, not so much. Plenty of people claim a label, define it however they please, then denounce others as not doing it right. This confuses new arrivals, who are often needing assistance in figuring out their own needs, & terminology is important in this.

If any given word can mean whatever the hell I want it to mean at that particular moment, then there's no basis for communication. For instance, I've seen people baldly state that since polyfidelity is a form of polyamory, therefore they're "mostly the same thing," & thus the only "real polyamory" must have closed relationships -- polyfidelity, that is.

Example. I was at a party. There was a married couple there, who'd been making a big thing about their "open marriage" & polyamory. Call 'em Ralph & Pam. I wasn't particularly interested, but she turned out to be an interesting person, & we had a pleasant conversation as the night went on.

I didn't think much of it. Days later, the party's host calls me up & says Pam is upset because I was hitting on her all night. Knowing how poorly most people communicate, ( asked him to back up & tell me what REALLY happened. He said that Ralph had called him, demanding I be excluded from future events or they wouldn't attend, because I'd spent all night trying to corner Pam (which I knew would be ludicrous to the people I actually spent most of the evening hanging out with).

"Okay, so what did Pam say to you?" "Well, I didn't talk to her." "And maybe you should."

And Ralph & Pam are still "poly" & "open". :rolleyes:
 
It does help to explain what one's choice in personal labels means to them.

However, I think that people who are involved with polyamory a while should probably know that if a couple just says that they're poly and have an open relationship, that isn't a full stop and end of story thing, you don't know all the information you need to know.

Not only is it possible that they're only seeking the HBB unicorn, it's also possible that maybe there is a power dynamic, or maybe they are looking for a bi guy, or maybe...anything. There are certainly more questions to be asked.

Funny how in a culture where we are trying to reduce the amount of assumptions we make, still so many do get made. I know a guy who threw an absolute hissy fit because he met a woman that he found attractive, and he WAS interested in her, and she said she was poly, and later (after he faced the horrors of wasting his time having a conversation with her, like she were actual PEOPLE) found out that she and her primary man were only seeking another woman, and she wasn't allowed to mess with another guy.

He wrote this whole spiel on fetlife about how pissed he was, and how if you're poly, it should be "fair." What?? OK, first of all, poly doesn't even mean AVAILABLE. Nor does someone being friendly and having a chat with a guy. (EDIT: No more than you (Ravenscroft) having a chat with a woman means that you're pursuing her!) So... Yeah. And while I do question the viability of the ubiquitous hunt for the perfect unicorn, fact is...if that's what that couple negotiated between themselves and that's what they're going to try and do...more power to 'em. And one step further, in this particular community where this man was casting his nets, there are apt to be power dynamics in play, and the woman might have been a sub with such decisions being made by her Dom. Who knows?

Anyhow Ravenscroft I'm sorry you had that experience, sounds to me like Ralph is just insecure. *shrug*
 
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