CutiePie444
New member
I'm in a relationship with a man and a woman. They were boyfriend and girlfriend first, then I got invited a couple months ago. The man was my high school crush and then I lost contact with him for 20 years. The woman I met upon reconnecting with the man and we immediately hit it off as best friends- she is literally the best friend I ever had.
I've been half in love with the man for over half my life and since we all started dating, I am hopelessly head over heels.
The woman, my best friend-turned girlfriend, I understand that this is hard for her. She says she's okay with me falling in love with him, that me and him were supposed to fall in love, etc, but I don't think she's totally okay with it. I think it hurts her that I love him differently than I love her- I honestly don't know how to describe how I love her. I consider myself a straight woman... but I'm attracted to her in every way. I love her differently than I love our boyfriend, but I do not love her less or in any inferior way than I love him, just different because I love different people differently because they are different people. Likewise, all my ex-boyfriends, I loved differently than I love our boyfriend, because they were different people than our boyfriend, different ways of connecting with them. I've tried explaining this to my girlfriend, but she does not get it- she only hears that I love our boyfriend.
I've explained it to our boyfriend today and he got it, however he made it clear that there will be no lovey-dovey between he and I until she feels I love her just as much, if not more, and in the exact same way. I can't- they are different people. I would die without her, I would want to grow old with her regardless of whether or not he was around, because I do love her. Very much.
I can't love her exactly the way I love him, because they are two different people, so it's not good enough for her and I don't know how to make it good enough for her.
I can't openly love him because neither of us want to hurt her, and that hurts me, that I always have to come second- they were a couple first, I have to step back, if it doesn't work out, I'm the one who's opted out. (I suspect he also loves me, but that doesn't change the fact that we made a deal, I didn't realize how much I'd grow to love them, but technically, I could lose them at any time.) I step back on so many things because I understand it's hard for her (anyone) to adjust to sharing the love of their life- they go places together, they sleep together while I sleep elsewhere, they will be the ones getting married, celebrating their anniversary together, they hold hands when we all go on a date together and they have long arguements in front of me on who loves the other more, etc. I've told her I love her and she's said she loves me as well. Am I wrong to feel sad that me loving her is not enough, or not the "right" kind of love she thinks I should be giving her? Am I wrong to want to tell my (our) boyfriend I love him and hope to someday be able to hear it back?
What can I do to help her understand this? We've already talked- it turns into a fight where she feels I'm trying to take him from her. A part of me tells me that I should just walk away, but I'm not strong enough- losing either one of them would emotionally kill me. I've been in love with him for over 20 years and I've never loved anyone like her before, and very few people as deeply, as well.
I've been half in love with the man for over half my life and since we all started dating, I am hopelessly head over heels.
The woman, my best friend-turned girlfriend, I understand that this is hard for her. She says she's okay with me falling in love with him, that me and him were supposed to fall in love, etc, but I don't think she's totally okay with it. I think it hurts her that I love him differently than I love her- I honestly don't know how to describe how I love her. I consider myself a straight woman... but I'm attracted to her in every way. I love her differently than I love our boyfriend, but I do not love her less or in any inferior way than I love him, just different because I love different people differently because they are different people. Likewise, all my ex-boyfriends, I loved differently than I love our boyfriend, because they were different people than our boyfriend, different ways of connecting with them. I've tried explaining this to my girlfriend, but she does not get it- she only hears that I love our boyfriend.
I've explained it to our boyfriend today and he got it, however he made it clear that there will be no lovey-dovey between he and I until she feels I love her just as much, if not more, and in the exact same way. I can't- they are different people. I would die without her, I would want to grow old with her regardless of whether or not he was around, because I do love her. Very much.
I can't love her exactly the way I love him, because they are two different people, so it's not good enough for her and I don't know how to make it good enough for her.
I can't openly love him because neither of us want to hurt her, and that hurts me, that I always have to come second- they were a couple first, I have to step back, if it doesn't work out, I'm the one who's opted out. (I suspect he also loves me, but that doesn't change the fact that we made a deal, I didn't realize how much I'd grow to love them, but technically, I could lose them at any time.) I step back on so many things because I understand it's hard for her (anyone) to adjust to sharing the love of their life- they go places together, they sleep together while I sleep elsewhere, they will be the ones getting married, celebrating their anniversary together, they hold hands when we all go on a date together and they have long arguements in front of me on who loves the other more, etc. I've told her I love her and she's said she loves me as well. Am I wrong to feel sad that me loving her is not enough, or not the "right" kind of love she thinks I should be giving her? Am I wrong to want to tell my (our) boyfriend I love him and hope to someday be able to hear it back?
What can I do to help her understand this? We've already talked- it turns into a fight where she feels I'm trying to take him from her. A part of me tells me that I should just walk away, but I'm not strong enough- losing either one of them would emotionally kill me. I've been in love with him for over 20 years and I've never loved anyone like her before, and very few people as deeply, as well.