The story of Spork.
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Spork
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Yeah I don't know, I don't think it's going quite that far...I mean, the elements of stuff, I'm completely comfortable with us as dear friends, and chosen family. They will continue to have my sexual consent, and I am not breaking off or closing off that part of it, or any part of it, at all. I'll want to spend time with them still, on the elevated priority level that "relationship people" have in my life. I am understanding of the fact that Fire and Analyst both have things in the works that might limit the time we will have together somewhat for a while.
The things that I'm feeling a desire to lay to rest:
- The stress I've felt over whether I am giving any of them enough of my time and attention, love and sex, whether I should be doing things differently and whether they are unhappy with me as a result of me not doing enough.
- The needy and insecure feeling about whether they still really want me that way, whether I'm just boring and not as fun or exciting as they had hoped or expected me to be, needing validation through sexual activity. Worrying that our bonds of affection are fraying because we aren't having sex enough.
^ Those are gremlin-talk, by the way. Those are "me things."
There might be a little more to it. I'm not sure. This feels like an incomplete thought. hm hm hm...
I feel like I got sexually needy and then Zen and I took our play in a few different and new directions about 2 weeks ago, and something there connected on a deep level with my emotional needs. And I have not felt as needy for sex or intimacy since then, it went from "my needs are not quite being met" to a couple weeks ago shifting to "OK, well I've given myself permission for my needs to be met with Zen. Why do I feel guilty, like I have given him more power or more of my vulnerability? Why do I feel that I have slighted my quad in some way here? I certainly did not mean to, or want to."
Some of this might be mono-normative programming that I have not quite swept out of the dark and dusty corners. It feels as though the flaws in my thinking are just beyond my perception... Maybe it is simply that I need to have more trust in them, the kind of trust that can relax and say "this is ok, we are ok."
EDIT: It hadn't been months since I had sex with one of the quad. But it's been averaging like Analyst and Hefe are getting/giving me the sex like once or twice a month. And out of those times, less than half of them are intense or kinky...the other night with Hefe was one of those, and late April with Analyst was, too. In between it was the kind of waking up and doing a quickie or something once in a while.
The question I followed with in a previous post a while back though, I think was a valid one. The flare up of big feels I've got going for Zen, would it actually be a good thing if I were being "fair" with that and felt the same way for the ones in my quad? I am not sure. Do our circumstances make it ok for me to be clingy or needy to any of them? Probably not. It's likely for the best that I do not. That my love is more relaxed and safe, than intense and wild. I don't know if they have time for me, or energy for me, in intense mode.
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Spork
Active member
You make me almost wish I lived in the States
Just realized where you're from! You're the second New Zealander I know. The other one was the singer for a band called Legacy of Disorder. He is kind of a ridiculous person, but I am fond of him anyways.
The US is a huge place. There are areas where it's completely boring and nothing ever happens, there are areas that are very challenging to live in. Attitudes vary, and culture, from one area to another. I have to say, of all the areas in my country where I've lived, Colorado is so far my favorite. Although I do miss the ocean, and some aspects of the east coast where I grew up will always feel a bit more like "home" to me. The people here are much friendlier though, and the culture more to my liking.
And we certainly do have a LOT of fun activities to do, most of the time here.
Spork
Active member
Weekend recap, and today's news
So I did do Comic Con, but Pride was beyond me. Mostly as I had a lot of walking and it was VERY hot (temps in the 90's) and by the time it got to be Sunday morning, I was just not feeling like walking the 8 blocks to the Pride parade. I got up early hoping I could muster the energy, but ended up letting Zen distract me for a couple of hours instead. Then we showered, got breakfast, and went back to Comic Con for Day 3.
That place was CROWDED. It was a slow shuffle to get anywhere. Lots of cool cosplayers. I wasn't really dressed up, I wore some of my somewhat gothy clothes, but nothing too over the top. More or less what I wear anyways.
The big highlight of the weekend, was John Barrowman. His panel was FANTASTIC. He came out in a dress and heels. He was hilarious and fun and over the top. I think I annoyed him at the signing by mentioning how I preferred earlier Torchwood before it got very dark and disturbing in the final seasons, he kind of snapped at me that it had to change because it wasn't Doctor Who. It's one of those sentiments I'm sure has been repeated many times to him.
Got to meet some of Zen's friends, too. That was pretty cool.
All in all, it was a fun, but very tiring weekend.
Old Wolf had been messaging me wanting to demand my attention on Sunday and I ignored him. It was Father's Day, and I put no energy into it...which was largely because he'd given me a face full of bad attitude at one point about it, and I am just done playing games with the guy. I didn't originally plan to be up in Denver all three days (Friday through Sunday) but decided to last week, because with Zen injured, he couldn't work anyways on Sunday, and I'd already decided to not be present for anything to do with Old Wolf's Father's Day. If he wanted to spend the day with the kids, he could sure drive on up and do that himself. I did transfer him $40, and told him to please use it to have whatever kind of day he wanted to have, even just hanging out with his buddies drinking beer. Whatever.
It's not that I don't CARE...it's that I just don't want to be sucked into weird manipulative games with him. I have no stomach for the drama.
I did find out something today that is a bit of a game changer. I've been worried because there were hints that once we got legally divorced, he was planning to change things in the life insurance he carries through the VA so it would all go into a trust, and he has muttered about how much insurance he had on me, and on him... I was actually concerned that he'd get it all set up, and then kill me, and then himself, and the money would go into his plans for his "legacy." I thought though, if he thinks he's got to get divorced to set up this trust business, and it's this whole thing to him right now, wouldn't the insurance company drop me from the policy as the spouse, if I'm no longer the spouse? I mean you might be able to get a policy on any person, but the rates wouldn't be the same as for a spouse, right?
Well I looked into this, and discovered that the Soldier's Group Life Insurance coverage that covered ME, does NOT translate over to Veterans' Group Life Ins. There IS no spouse coverage under the plan he's on right now basically, long story short.
I informed him of this, and let him know that the moment he changed it so that I am no longer beneficiary on his policy on himself, I'm doing the same on my policy through my employer, so he won't have anything to gain for ending my life.
When I talked to him on the phone, and I asked, "Did you get my text about the life insurance" and he said, "Yes. I did. That makes things a lot simpler."
So...whatever THAT means...
I'm exhausted today. Honestly I feel slightly unwell, but I'm having a hard time figuring out if I'm getting sick or just so tired I FEEL a bit sick. I need rest, bottom line. I'm looking forward to going to bed early tonight.
So I did do Comic Con, but Pride was beyond me. Mostly as I had a lot of walking and it was VERY hot (temps in the 90's) and by the time it got to be Sunday morning, I was just not feeling like walking the 8 blocks to the Pride parade. I got up early hoping I could muster the energy, but ended up letting Zen distract me for a couple of hours instead. Then we showered, got breakfast, and went back to Comic Con for Day 3.
That place was CROWDED. It was a slow shuffle to get anywhere. Lots of cool cosplayers. I wasn't really dressed up, I wore some of my somewhat gothy clothes, but nothing too over the top. More or less what I wear anyways.
The big highlight of the weekend, was John Barrowman. His panel was FANTASTIC. He came out in a dress and heels. He was hilarious and fun and over the top. I think I annoyed him at the signing by mentioning how I preferred earlier Torchwood before it got very dark and disturbing in the final seasons, he kind of snapped at me that it had to change because it wasn't Doctor Who. It's one of those sentiments I'm sure has been repeated many times to him.
Got to meet some of Zen's friends, too. That was pretty cool.
All in all, it was a fun, but very tiring weekend.
Old Wolf had been messaging me wanting to demand my attention on Sunday and I ignored him. It was Father's Day, and I put no energy into it...which was largely because he'd given me a face full of bad attitude at one point about it, and I am just done playing games with the guy. I didn't originally plan to be up in Denver all three days (Friday through Sunday) but decided to last week, because with Zen injured, he couldn't work anyways on Sunday, and I'd already decided to not be present for anything to do with Old Wolf's Father's Day. If he wanted to spend the day with the kids, he could sure drive on up and do that himself. I did transfer him $40, and told him to please use it to have whatever kind of day he wanted to have, even just hanging out with his buddies drinking beer. Whatever.
It's not that I don't CARE...it's that I just don't want to be sucked into weird manipulative games with him. I have no stomach for the drama.
I did find out something today that is a bit of a game changer. I've been worried because there were hints that once we got legally divorced, he was planning to change things in the life insurance he carries through the VA so it would all go into a trust, and he has muttered about how much insurance he had on me, and on him... I was actually concerned that he'd get it all set up, and then kill me, and then himself, and the money would go into his plans for his "legacy." I thought though, if he thinks he's got to get divorced to set up this trust business, and it's this whole thing to him right now, wouldn't the insurance company drop me from the policy as the spouse, if I'm no longer the spouse? I mean you might be able to get a policy on any person, but the rates wouldn't be the same as for a spouse, right?
Well I looked into this, and discovered that the Soldier's Group Life Insurance coverage that covered ME, does NOT translate over to Veterans' Group Life Ins. There IS no spouse coverage under the plan he's on right now basically, long story short.
I informed him of this, and let him know that the moment he changed it so that I am no longer beneficiary on his policy on himself, I'm doing the same on my policy through my employer, so he won't have anything to gain for ending my life.
When I talked to him on the phone, and I asked, "Did you get my text about the life insurance" and he said, "Yes. I did. That makes things a lot simpler."
So...whatever THAT means...
I'm exhausted today. Honestly I feel slightly unwell, but I'm having a hard time figuring out if I'm getting sick or just so tired I FEEL a bit sick. I need rest, bottom line. I'm looking forward to going to bed early tonight.
Spork
Active member
So I did go to bed early, and while I'm having some cold symptoms today, I am feeling like I can cope with life. I'm sort of trying to quit smoking, so I'm a bit twitchy, but I feel like there's no better time than when you feel sick anyways.
I had some cigarettes yesterday, swear I wasn't out, but I can't find them. I am determined not to buy more. Odds are, if they turn up, I'll smoke them but I'm trying not to feel panicky about looking for them. Being a nicotine addict SUCKS. I'm feeling kind of twitchy this morning. And I forgot my vape at home.
Oh well, I don't know, I'll cope.
I actually seem to have a lot of free time on my calendar this week, which is pretty unusual. I imagine I'll get together with people here and there. But I think I need to make sure I rest, too, because I want this cold thing to go away instead of getting worse. Otherwise, no big news in my world. Which is kind of nice, really.
Oh, there WAS a small influx of weird random approaches on fetlife. Guys with selfies of their ripped abs in bathroom mirrors trying to get together for "FWB or NSA"...gross. Just so gross. There was one who saw I'd RSVP'ed that I was going to Comic Con and he figured maybe we should hook up, and there was another guy I actually know from the scene down here...this annoys me actually...I'm willing to play with partners I don't know well at parties because there is safety there. But this man has never approached me for that, even though he attends the parties. Then Comic Con rolls around and he wants to know if I'll come to his hotel room with him.
Thing is, I don't mind the idea of doing some play with a new person, and then hey maybe things warm up, we hang out, talk a bit, get to know each other, and eventually stuff winds up being sexual. That's how it went with Zen. But the first time we play, when you have no references and don't do public play, so no way I can know if you're safe, is NOT going to be in a hotel room alone with ya, or in your basement, especially if we've never even had any in-depth conversations.
Anyhow, it's been multiple instances of "annoying strangers who think I might give them easy sex" cropping up in my world, which doesn't happen constantly for me...just occasionally...lately...
For some reason I am craving Virginia lately, too. Which is annoying, as I cannot afford travel right now. I am craving the Outer Banks (which is actually NC, not VA, but whatever)...and I am craving at least as much, autumn in my home region where the leaves are amazing and there's the crispness and you can go to apple orchards and pumpkin patches. I want to take a walk with my loves...one or more of them, any or all of them...down a path littered with fall leaves, I want to go camping, I want to drink hot cider.
"Why can't I do that here?" Yeah, not the same. I could, but it smells different, the trees are different, the colors aren't as rich and varied.
I miss and want the heady, intoxicating sense where lazy humid air, autumn breezes, dappled sunlight, and sweet old American history all mix and mingle, I want the brick streets, and the little shops. It's all just home and once in a while I feel like I need to go soak it up.
I had some cigarettes yesterday, swear I wasn't out, but I can't find them. I am determined not to buy more. Odds are, if they turn up, I'll smoke them but I'm trying not to feel panicky about looking for them. Being a nicotine addict SUCKS. I'm feeling kind of twitchy this morning. And I forgot my vape at home.
Oh well, I don't know, I'll cope.
I actually seem to have a lot of free time on my calendar this week, which is pretty unusual. I imagine I'll get together with people here and there. But I think I need to make sure I rest, too, because I want this cold thing to go away instead of getting worse. Otherwise, no big news in my world. Which is kind of nice, really.
Oh, there WAS a small influx of weird random approaches on fetlife. Guys with selfies of their ripped abs in bathroom mirrors trying to get together for "FWB or NSA"...gross. Just so gross. There was one who saw I'd RSVP'ed that I was going to Comic Con and he figured maybe we should hook up, and there was another guy I actually know from the scene down here...this annoys me actually...I'm willing to play with partners I don't know well at parties because there is safety there. But this man has never approached me for that, even though he attends the parties. Then Comic Con rolls around and he wants to know if I'll come to his hotel room with him.
Thing is, I don't mind the idea of doing some play with a new person, and then hey maybe things warm up, we hang out, talk a bit, get to know each other, and eventually stuff winds up being sexual. That's how it went with Zen. But the first time we play, when you have no references and don't do public play, so no way I can know if you're safe, is NOT going to be in a hotel room alone with ya, or in your basement, especially if we've never even had any in-depth conversations.
Anyhow, it's been multiple instances of "annoying strangers who think I might give them easy sex" cropping up in my world, which doesn't happen constantly for me...just occasionally...lately...
For some reason I am craving Virginia lately, too. Which is annoying, as I cannot afford travel right now. I am craving the Outer Banks (which is actually NC, not VA, but whatever)...and I am craving at least as much, autumn in my home region where the leaves are amazing and there's the crispness and you can go to apple orchards and pumpkin patches. I want to take a walk with my loves...one or more of them, any or all of them...down a path littered with fall leaves, I want to go camping, I want to drink hot cider.
"Why can't I do that here?" Yeah, not the same. I could, but it smells different, the trees are different, the colors aren't as rich and varied.
I miss and want the heady, intoxicating sense where lazy humid air, autumn breezes, dappled sunlight, and sweet old American history all mix and mingle, I want the brick streets, and the little shops. It's all just home and once in a while I feel like I need to go soak it up.
Spork
Active member
Forgot to mention, part of recent talks with Old Wolf, he said that his mother is angry with me because he did stuff for me for Mother's Day and I didn't do anything for him for Father's Day.
Well la, dee, dah.
I loved his Mom. But yanno. The first time he was a total ass to me and I nearly left, she talked me out of it. And we struggled on, and I put up and put up, and he worked and worked, and I hoped and he dreamed, and we tried. For a goddamn long time. I cared a great deal about his Mom. Impressing her used to matter to me. She used to tell me how wonderful I was, and that I was the perfect woman for him, and how much better I was than his previous two wives, and so on.
And I have not spoken to her in a long time, not since well before the breakup last year. Because I can't be the one to tell this sweet woman who loves her son, how he treated me and how he treated his children.
She's going to love him no matter what. As she should. She is his Mom.
I hate that she is going to think unfair things of me, and have a bad opinion of me, but he needs her an awful lot more than I do. So it doesn't really matter if she ever really knows the truth, as sad as I feel about it sometimes. Telling her my side is just selfish, and it feels...not right to do.
The unfortunate side effect of this is that it's not very likely that she will have much contact with my younger son, until he is grown and can manage his own familial relationships. And then he can decide what to tell her or not tell her. I really doubt if he will allow her or anyone to say anything negative about me. It's one of the reasons he wants nothing to do with his Dad. But he loves his Grandmother.
She lives out of state and doesn't get a chance to visit very often anyways.
The whole thing just feels so childish. "I told my Mommy and now she's mad at you."
When this whole thing happened because...
Mother's Day planning weeks/days leading up to...
I'm thinking, "I want to spend the day with my kids."
I'm saying, "I want to spend the day with my kids."
He chose to involve himself in an effort to try and make it special. Good job! I thanked him, and gave him some of my time that night listening to his problems in the garage.
Father's Day planning weeks/days leading up to...
He's thinking, "This is a test to see if anyone cares about me. I bet nobody does nothin'! She'll be out doing stuff with her new friends and the boys don't love me anymore. They all walked away and left me alone."
He's saying, "I don't want anything for Father's Day!! I don't want to celebrate any more family holidays together at all!! We aren't friends anymore, and we aren't family anymore, you broke that, you all walked away and left me all alone!"
He's like a toddler screaming his head off in a corner, being as unpleasant as possible but at the same time demanding that people come and tend to him to prove that he is loved. It's insufferable.
So...to send a message in energy over the cosmic radio waves,
"Former Mother in Law, I love you. Sorry, not sorry, that I couldn't keep putting up with your boy. He's a pain in the butt. None of us deserved him, and I hope he doesn't wind up being your problem again. It was nice knowing you, you're a sweet lady. Best wishes."
................
On a MUCH better, brighter note...
Zen is coming over tonight, and I'm gonna cook for him! I make this orange chicken stuff, with rice and cream cheese wontons. It's the closest to actual Asian cuisine I can really get, since I hate veggies, but it's really yummy.
I dropped him off at his place just Sunday night after 3 solid days in each other's company and I'm excited to have him over for dinner. lol!! Silly.
Well la, dee, dah.
I loved his Mom. But yanno. The first time he was a total ass to me and I nearly left, she talked me out of it. And we struggled on, and I put up and put up, and he worked and worked, and I hoped and he dreamed, and we tried. For a goddamn long time. I cared a great deal about his Mom. Impressing her used to matter to me. She used to tell me how wonderful I was, and that I was the perfect woman for him, and how much better I was than his previous two wives, and so on.
And I have not spoken to her in a long time, not since well before the breakup last year. Because I can't be the one to tell this sweet woman who loves her son, how he treated me and how he treated his children.
She's going to love him no matter what. As she should. She is his Mom.
I hate that she is going to think unfair things of me, and have a bad opinion of me, but he needs her an awful lot more than I do. So it doesn't really matter if she ever really knows the truth, as sad as I feel about it sometimes. Telling her my side is just selfish, and it feels...not right to do.
The unfortunate side effect of this is that it's not very likely that she will have much contact with my younger son, until he is grown and can manage his own familial relationships. And then he can decide what to tell her or not tell her. I really doubt if he will allow her or anyone to say anything negative about me. It's one of the reasons he wants nothing to do with his Dad. But he loves his Grandmother.
She lives out of state and doesn't get a chance to visit very often anyways.
The whole thing just feels so childish. "I told my Mommy and now she's mad at you."
When this whole thing happened because...
Mother's Day planning weeks/days leading up to...
I'm thinking, "I want to spend the day with my kids."
I'm saying, "I want to spend the day with my kids."
He chose to involve himself in an effort to try and make it special. Good job! I thanked him, and gave him some of my time that night listening to his problems in the garage.
Father's Day planning weeks/days leading up to...
He's thinking, "This is a test to see if anyone cares about me. I bet nobody does nothin'! She'll be out doing stuff with her new friends and the boys don't love me anymore. They all walked away and left me alone."
He's saying, "I don't want anything for Father's Day!! I don't want to celebrate any more family holidays together at all!! We aren't friends anymore, and we aren't family anymore, you broke that, you all walked away and left me all alone!"
He's like a toddler screaming his head off in a corner, being as unpleasant as possible but at the same time demanding that people come and tend to him to prove that he is loved. It's insufferable.
So...to send a message in energy over the cosmic radio waves,
"Former Mother in Law, I love you. Sorry, not sorry, that I couldn't keep putting up with your boy. He's a pain in the butt. None of us deserved him, and I hope he doesn't wind up being your problem again. It was nice knowing you, you're a sweet lady. Best wishes."
................
On a MUCH better, brighter note...
Zen is coming over tonight, and I'm gonna cook for him! I make this orange chicken stuff, with rice and cream cheese wontons. It's the closest to actual Asian cuisine I can really get, since I hate veggies, but it's really yummy.
I dropped him off at his place just Sunday night after 3 solid days in each other's company and I'm excited to have him over for dinner. lol!! Silly.
Spork
Active member
So the food was very good and Zen brought over a DVD of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" for us to watch. I'd never seen it. What a weird movie! Zen likes weird movies though. I normally dislike Jim Carrey, but he was good in this one. He wasn't just running around making dumb faces and over the top gestures.
Tonight I am meeting with Old Wolf at a paralegal's office, a decent balance on cheap/easy for getting the divorce done, I guess. Less costly than lawyers, less effort and confusion than doing it all by ourselves. I checked Google maps and street view images to make sure I could find the place. It's a gross little hole in the wall in a rundown strip mall...I wouldn't say it's "in the ghetto" since Colorado Springs doesn't REALLY have one, but it's not in a very nice part of town.
None of this should matter. A friend of mine, whom I trust, recommended these people.
But all I can think of, looking at the place is, "Our 18 year marriage, where we worked so hard and accomplished so much...this is where it ends."
It upsets me. I feel like every single person and the family unit in general deserved a lot better than this. I deserved better than how he treated me. He deserved better than to end up all alone, unloved and unlovable, wallowing in misery. Our kids deserved so much better from both of us. It just sucks. The whole thing sucks.
Oh, well.
And I have to stop being in denial, I am not merely tired or maybe having allergy issues...I am sick. Ugh. It comes and goes, sometimes it's not that bad, but I sure hated getting out of bed this morning. Stupid cold.
*sigh*
Tonight I am meeting with Old Wolf at a paralegal's office, a decent balance on cheap/easy for getting the divorce done, I guess. Less costly than lawyers, less effort and confusion than doing it all by ourselves. I checked Google maps and street view images to make sure I could find the place. It's a gross little hole in the wall in a rundown strip mall...I wouldn't say it's "in the ghetto" since Colorado Springs doesn't REALLY have one, but it's not in a very nice part of town.
None of this should matter. A friend of mine, whom I trust, recommended these people.
But all I can think of, looking at the place is, "Our 18 year marriage, where we worked so hard and accomplished so much...this is where it ends."
It upsets me. I feel like every single person and the family unit in general deserved a lot better than this. I deserved better than how he treated me. He deserved better than to end up all alone, unloved and unlovable, wallowing in misery. Our kids deserved so much better from both of us. It just sucks. The whole thing sucks.
Oh, well.
And I have to stop being in denial, I am not merely tired or maybe having allergy issues...I am sick. Ugh. It comes and goes, sometimes it's not that bad, but I sure hated getting out of bed this morning. Stupid cold.
*sigh*
Spork
Active member
I feel icky today. I want to go home. But I can't.
I think the worst part is just how tired I am. I'm having trouble staying awake at my desk. It feels like physical torture just to even try. I can't keep my eyeballs focused. I wish I could fall into bed for like 12 hours or so.
But alas, no. I have to stick out my work day. In an hour, I'm going to lunch with Zen and dropping him off at his doctor's office. Then after work, I'm picking him up and running him home from there.
...hm.
Nah.
I'm sticking it out. *sigh*
I went out last night, and I shouldn't have. But it was one of the BDSM community's "munch" events, and Zen wanted to go, and I felt like being social. So I went. And I was up until midnight, and I smoked cigarettes. All bad ideas because here I am sick. At least I don't drink, so I wasn't compounding the situation with alcohol.
Anyhow I'm not thrilled with life today but I will cope.
I think the worst part is just how tired I am. I'm having trouble staying awake at my desk. It feels like physical torture just to even try. I can't keep my eyeballs focused. I wish I could fall into bed for like 12 hours or so.
But alas, no. I have to stick out my work day. In an hour, I'm going to lunch with Zen and dropping him off at his doctor's office. Then after work, I'm picking him up and running him home from there.
...hm.
Nah.
I'm sticking it out. *sigh*
I went out last night, and I shouldn't have. But it was one of the BDSM community's "munch" events, and Zen wanted to go, and I felt like being social. So I went. And I was up until midnight, and I smoked cigarettes. All bad ideas because here I am sick. At least I don't drink, so I wasn't compounding the situation with alcohol.
Anyhow I'm not thrilled with life today but I will cope.
Spork
Active member
Friday I called in sick, I woke up having difficulty breathing, chest just heavy and full of ickyness. Steam was my friend. Cold meds, and rest.
I spent about half the day just taking it easy and resting and stuff. Half cleaning and errands and whatnot. Had a battle with what the Internet calls (technical term here) "Little Black Ants." Yeah. They were getting in under the carpet and marching around the baseboard into the kitchen and disappearing under the dishwasher. The Internet says I should use bay leaves, cayenne pepper, black pepper, chalk, cinnamon, cloves, borax, diatomacious earth, maybe Windex... I'm imagining a little ant saying to me in its little ant voice, with of course a British ant accent because why not..."We took the bay leaves to the Queen. She said they were lovely, and thank you so much for the light dusting of cinnamon and pepper, m'lady loves a bit of spice on her bay leaves..."
I bought ant baits and put them in places the cat can't get to, and I've been relentless about my housekeeping (more, even, than usual.) Seems to have worked, at least for now. No more ants wandering or marching through the kitchen.
I am still not feeling tippy tops, but I'm better. It's like this cold is trying to decide if it might want to set up an infection in my sinuses or my lungs. Last week my lungs were bad, today I'm having tightness and discomfort in my sinuses. *sigh* So I'm back at work.
Oddly, none of my lovers seem to care one whit if they are exposed to my germs. They all want to see me, especially Zen. I've seen Zen nearly every day this month, particularly since he fell and was injured and his work schedule has not been a factor. It's like given the ability to, he will happily spend as much time with me as possible. And me...well...I crave him. All of my senses crave him. I am only afraid because every time I have felt big feelings for someone, they wound up pushing me away, so I don't want to be too...I don't know. Clingy. I guess.
He took some lovely photos of me in the hotel we were in for Comic Con. So artistic and sexy. He made me look so beautiful. And he is growing a bit of beard and mustache, a goatee thing, for the first time ever, because I said I was curious what that would look like on him. We both agree that it is a good look for him. He put a bit of product in his hair one night not long ago, gave it a little spike and attitude on top...it was VERY sexy. My dashing and diabolical older gentleman with his dark hair with the silver at the temples and in the beard...fucking YUM. So he is sexy to me and I feel sexy with him and it's awesome.
I'm getting more comfortable, too, with the notion that what I'm doing...I'm not necessarily choosing Zen over the quad here, I'm not going mono with him. It's more that I'm embracing some relationship anarchy. I'm going to enjoy the ride with Zen, and let my other relationships ebb, flow, evolve and simmer away as they do, without trying to FORCE THINGS TO BE FAIR. Because frankly, I can't. It's becoming more and more clear to me that it's a silly and futile thing to try to do. I shall appreciate each connection, and be joyful and thankful in them, and quit worrying and overthinking so darn much.
I went to spend the night with Analyst way out in the boonies on Saturday night. He is very busy and very stressed about getting work done to sell the place, and he has told us all he must devote his time and energy to that and stop doing so many social things. Well, I brought pizza to him and I kind of expected to just hang around, maybe provide some help to him in packing or even just company and conversation. I didn't want him to stop what he was doing on account of me. But he did, he spent the evening watching a movie with me. I told him I wasn't pressuring him for sex, since it was shark week, and he told me he probably wouldn't want to anyways because he's so stressed out. It was great to see him. He is still the most difficult of all my connections. I have a hard time communicating with him. I want to be honest and express my thoughts and feelings, but he gets so prickly and seems upset, and I'm such an avoider of even the feeling of conflict or hostility, that I can't proceed if it looks like I might be making him mad. So I'll try to open up a topic and he'll get snappy in his responses and I'll just let it go. Things are going unsaid. All I can do is love him and just...be. I'll be his girlfriend for as long as he wants me, but I'm not sure anymore how long that will be. I don't really know what he wants.
My feelings towards Fire are doing an awful lot to illustrate to me the concept people talk about romantic versus sexual. Like people attach the prefixes to those words, like "bisexual" and "aromantic." Well, Fire and I maybe have not been super sexual with each other, but I feel very romantic towards her. She has been dealing with some family stuff out of state lately, and I wish I could help...seems to be working out, sort of...I miss her. I want to spoon her up and feel her skin and smell her hair. (Although...I might wait until I do not have a cold.)
And Hefe has been so sweet, he came and brought me a whole bunch of delicious chicken noodle soup on Friday when I was sick. I find it hard to talk about my feelings for Hefe. I really dig him, I like how sexually adventurous he can be but how he can do the simple, earthy basic stuff really well, too. I love his no-nonsense thinking and I'm impressed with his many talents. But...there are times I sense a fear and an insecurity in him, I wish he would value himself more. He has made a tremendous investment of self in Fire. And while she's definitely worth it...I think he's got to be careful not to diminish himself. This is so nebulous...ok, an example. He wanted to go to this festival on the east coast. Plans were in place for him and Fire to do a road trip there together. Then Fire had the family stuff come up and had to go tend to that. Well, we talked about this one night that Hefe was drinking and being a little more uninhibited with his thoughts, and he expressed a fear to go on a trip like that alone, without Fire. Granted as a road trip, it would have been a beast to do alone, and would have taken a lot of time and maybe not been worth it. But this was not a conversation about logistics. This was a conversation about FEAR. He said he was afraid to do something so big, by himself. Well, I think he's got a great big spirit, that would maybe be well served by telling the fear to get lost. I kind of wish he'd booked a flight and just gone out there, it probably wouldn't have been more costly than driving! He's the youngest of a bunch of kids, though, and I think sometimes the man takes a back seat to the boy, and it feels like the boy is holding the man back. I don't even know if that makes any sense. I'm just spit-balling ideas here this morning.
But back to me and them and the stuff...I'm letting my...limerance? whatever....blaze away with Zen and I'm enjoying it. I'm taking a relationship anarchy approach to the big picture. I'm just leaving all the doors open. Whatever everybody has time for and can do, I am going with it, easy like Sunday morning, and I'm not gonna worry about where it all ends up.
I spent about half the day just taking it easy and resting and stuff. Half cleaning and errands and whatnot. Had a battle with what the Internet calls (technical term here) "Little Black Ants." Yeah. They were getting in under the carpet and marching around the baseboard into the kitchen and disappearing under the dishwasher. The Internet says I should use bay leaves, cayenne pepper, black pepper, chalk, cinnamon, cloves, borax, diatomacious earth, maybe Windex... I'm imagining a little ant saying to me in its little ant voice, with of course a British ant accent because why not..."We took the bay leaves to the Queen. She said they were lovely, and thank you so much for the light dusting of cinnamon and pepper, m'lady loves a bit of spice on her bay leaves..."
I bought ant baits and put them in places the cat can't get to, and I've been relentless about my housekeeping (more, even, than usual.) Seems to have worked, at least for now. No more ants wandering or marching through the kitchen.
I am still not feeling tippy tops, but I'm better. It's like this cold is trying to decide if it might want to set up an infection in my sinuses or my lungs. Last week my lungs were bad, today I'm having tightness and discomfort in my sinuses. *sigh* So I'm back at work.
Oddly, none of my lovers seem to care one whit if they are exposed to my germs. They all want to see me, especially Zen. I've seen Zen nearly every day this month, particularly since he fell and was injured and his work schedule has not been a factor. It's like given the ability to, he will happily spend as much time with me as possible. And me...well...I crave him. All of my senses crave him. I am only afraid because every time I have felt big feelings for someone, they wound up pushing me away, so I don't want to be too...I don't know. Clingy. I guess.
He took some lovely photos of me in the hotel we were in for Comic Con. So artistic and sexy. He made me look so beautiful. And he is growing a bit of beard and mustache, a goatee thing, for the first time ever, because I said I was curious what that would look like on him. We both agree that it is a good look for him. He put a bit of product in his hair one night not long ago, gave it a little spike and attitude on top...it was VERY sexy. My dashing and diabolical older gentleman with his dark hair with the silver at the temples and in the beard...fucking YUM. So he is sexy to me and I feel sexy with him and it's awesome.
I'm getting more comfortable, too, with the notion that what I'm doing...I'm not necessarily choosing Zen over the quad here, I'm not going mono with him. It's more that I'm embracing some relationship anarchy. I'm going to enjoy the ride with Zen, and let my other relationships ebb, flow, evolve and simmer away as they do, without trying to FORCE THINGS TO BE FAIR. Because frankly, I can't. It's becoming more and more clear to me that it's a silly and futile thing to try to do. I shall appreciate each connection, and be joyful and thankful in them, and quit worrying and overthinking so darn much.
I went to spend the night with Analyst way out in the boonies on Saturday night. He is very busy and very stressed about getting work done to sell the place, and he has told us all he must devote his time and energy to that and stop doing so many social things. Well, I brought pizza to him and I kind of expected to just hang around, maybe provide some help to him in packing or even just company and conversation. I didn't want him to stop what he was doing on account of me. But he did, he spent the evening watching a movie with me. I told him I wasn't pressuring him for sex, since it was shark week, and he told me he probably wouldn't want to anyways because he's so stressed out. It was great to see him. He is still the most difficult of all my connections. I have a hard time communicating with him. I want to be honest and express my thoughts and feelings, but he gets so prickly and seems upset, and I'm such an avoider of even the feeling of conflict or hostility, that I can't proceed if it looks like I might be making him mad. So I'll try to open up a topic and he'll get snappy in his responses and I'll just let it go. Things are going unsaid. All I can do is love him and just...be. I'll be his girlfriend for as long as he wants me, but I'm not sure anymore how long that will be. I don't really know what he wants.
My feelings towards Fire are doing an awful lot to illustrate to me the concept people talk about romantic versus sexual. Like people attach the prefixes to those words, like "bisexual" and "aromantic." Well, Fire and I maybe have not been super sexual with each other, but I feel very romantic towards her. She has been dealing with some family stuff out of state lately, and I wish I could help...seems to be working out, sort of...I miss her. I want to spoon her up and feel her skin and smell her hair. (Although...I might wait until I do not have a cold.)
And Hefe has been so sweet, he came and brought me a whole bunch of delicious chicken noodle soup on Friday when I was sick. I find it hard to talk about my feelings for Hefe. I really dig him, I like how sexually adventurous he can be but how he can do the simple, earthy basic stuff really well, too. I love his no-nonsense thinking and I'm impressed with his many talents. But...there are times I sense a fear and an insecurity in him, I wish he would value himself more. He has made a tremendous investment of self in Fire. And while she's definitely worth it...I think he's got to be careful not to diminish himself. This is so nebulous...ok, an example. He wanted to go to this festival on the east coast. Plans were in place for him and Fire to do a road trip there together. Then Fire had the family stuff come up and had to go tend to that. Well, we talked about this one night that Hefe was drinking and being a little more uninhibited with his thoughts, and he expressed a fear to go on a trip like that alone, without Fire. Granted as a road trip, it would have been a beast to do alone, and would have taken a lot of time and maybe not been worth it. But this was not a conversation about logistics. This was a conversation about FEAR. He said he was afraid to do something so big, by himself. Well, I think he's got a great big spirit, that would maybe be well served by telling the fear to get lost. I kind of wish he'd booked a flight and just gone out there, it probably wouldn't have been more costly than driving! He's the youngest of a bunch of kids, though, and I think sometimes the man takes a back seat to the boy, and it feels like the boy is holding the man back. I don't even know if that makes any sense. I'm just spit-balling ideas here this morning.
But back to me and them and the stuff...I'm letting my...limerance? whatever....blaze away with Zen and I'm enjoying it. I'm taking a relationship anarchy approach to the big picture. I'm just leaving all the doors open. Whatever everybody has time for and can do, I am going with it, easy like Sunday morning, and I'm not gonna worry about where it all ends up.
Spork
Active member
I tried that. It killed the ones I sprayed it on, and I left the residue, and an hour later, new ants were cruising right over on top of it like they didn't even care.
Cinnamon also did not work. Ants walked through it, paused when they encountered oncoming ant traffic, had a momentary conversation like, "Dude, Bob, what is that shit all over you?" "I'm not sure, Frank, but it sure smells nice. Think it will impress Her Highness?" "I dunno Bob, it's kinda weird but whatever." And on they went about their ant business. Or maybe the pause was them just waving antennae in a secret handshake signal kind of deal to affirm that indeed they are from the same colony, since Bob now smells like a spice cabinet. It didn't deter them though.
I used way more baits than I really needed. Looks like all that I needed was one placed strategically behind a piece of furniture near where they were entering, they went right to it and carried the stuff back to the colony (presumably)...the ants have vanished.
It was a Terro bait containing a liquid solution involving boric acid suspended in (I assume) some kind of tasty corn syrup or something.
I also sprinkled food grade diatomacious earth (no idea if I'm spelling that right and don't care right now)...behind my son's computer desk, because despite a thorough cleaning, we still had strays wandering up onto the desk and scouting around. They have also disappeared.
I'm calling this mission a success... But I suspect I might have to just proactively put out a few strategic baits during the warm months in this place. I was spoiled in my ex's house...it was built so tight, we never had pests in the house beyond the occasional spider. Oh, well. I love my apartment anyways.
Spork
Active member
I occasionally feel anxious and insecure and there aren't always good reasons for it. Sometimes...I'm just having a day.
I know that a little bit of verbal validation would go a long way, especially from one of just a very few particular special people, but I'm scared that asking for it makes me seem "needy."
Seeming needy has pushed away people I cared about, and I'm scared.
I usually just wait and it passes. Time goes on. I get my reconnections naturally with my loved ones, since there was no real reason for the anxiety in the first place, and everything is fine again.
But I'm often told that I should ask for what I need, or be honest and communicative, or make my needs known to my partners. Seems to be part of the culture. But it's one I have trouble embracing.
I feel like I'm only appealing when I've got it all together and I'm playin' it cool. Neediness isn't endearing. I get it, too, because I've been the one to have a needy partner and have that be off-putting before.
But I also know subs and even littles in the BDSM community who seem to be able/allowed to reach out and be needy...and their Doms seem to want to care for them. I can't imagine feeling ok...feeling...entitled...to reassurance when nameless shadows are making me afraid. It's one reason I talk about not being a sub...I don't feel like I merit that kind of treatment and I can't imagine being able to ask for it and get it.
Being this unentangled, independent, solo-poly person...bottom and masochist but not submissive...that's safe. Being able to say, "Yeah, you know...nothing lasts, and this won't either, but I'll enjoy it for a while." That feels safe. Fun loving, happy-go-lucky, cool and collected, sane and stable...that feels safe. Being really vulnerable though...nooo....not safe.
Analyst posted on a Facebook thread about polyamory and expressed that people who are inherently insecure, cause problems in poly groups, and if there is too much focus on the needs of one person, then things become unbalanced and stuff falls apart. He has mentioned too that he finds shaky self esteem to be off-putting in partners. I don't know if any of that was directed at me...I actually don't think so...but I don't know... But it sure reinforces the way I feel about not making myself vulnerable.
If you do Google searches and try to read about managing insecurity and even the more common threads here about it, it's usually about jealousy. Mine still has nothing to do with other partners. I'm not afraid my love(s) will choose another person over me. I'm afraid that they will simply push me away, especially if I feel strongly, and even more especially if I express it. And definitely if I have a day where I'm afraid and unsure, and I reach out for validation or reassurance. That is terrifying. It is more than fear of abandonment. It's the gremlin, that says that me in an emotional state, is simply repugnant. I'm only likeable, lovable, wantable, if my walls are up and I'm playing it cool.
I don't know if anyone else feels this way. I don't know if anyone has ever overcome it, or found a way to manage it. Is the answer to simply hide my feelings? How and why are some people allowed to be vulnerable and it seems to be a death knell for my relationships?
A big part of my concern here is the management of "drop." It's something I've experienced a little bit recently and everyone says to reach out to your top or Dom to help...but I'm scared to do that...and I'll probably let the gremlins nibble for a couple of days and then I'll be ok.
I'm probably also having some issues because I dealt with my ex a bit this weekend and have another appointment at the paralegal's tomorrow afternoon, and I still don't feel entirely well. I have been struggling with wanting to quit smoking...I wrestle it down to almost nothing and then have a weak day where I break down and just smoke or buy a pack or whatever, and feeling like I'm losing that battle is exhausting. It's just...stuff. I'll own it and deal with it. I will just try and look forward to First Fridays and the party at Voodoo this weekend, which are big highlights of every month.
But today I shall go home and go to bed, I think. I didn't sleep well last night anyhow. I was restless in my dreaming and my stupid cat woke me up at like 3am. It's a convergence of crap today. Become the kind of day, especially this afternoon, that is better off just slept through if possible.
I'll be off work in less than an hour. In about an hour, I'll be getting home and becoming a nice lump under a light blanket for a while...
EDIT: OHMYGOSH... Just worked out the calendarized pattern here, seeing some commonalities in this drop and my last...which was 3 weeks ago, similar point in lady-cycle and also sleep deprived. I CAN SCIENCE THIS. I actually feel much better now in this moment, knowing I might be able to predict, control, avoid, logic my way through this business in the future. Sitting at work with tears standing in your eyes all afternoon for no good reason is just...ugh...I feel like such a Marvin. "Don't tell me about life..."
I know that a little bit of verbal validation would go a long way, especially from one of just a very few particular special people, but I'm scared that asking for it makes me seem "needy."
Seeming needy has pushed away people I cared about, and I'm scared.
I usually just wait and it passes. Time goes on. I get my reconnections naturally with my loved ones, since there was no real reason for the anxiety in the first place, and everything is fine again.
But I'm often told that I should ask for what I need, or be honest and communicative, or make my needs known to my partners. Seems to be part of the culture. But it's one I have trouble embracing.
I feel like I'm only appealing when I've got it all together and I'm playin' it cool. Neediness isn't endearing. I get it, too, because I've been the one to have a needy partner and have that be off-putting before.
But I also know subs and even littles in the BDSM community who seem to be able/allowed to reach out and be needy...and their Doms seem to want to care for them. I can't imagine feeling ok...feeling...entitled...to reassurance when nameless shadows are making me afraid. It's one reason I talk about not being a sub...I don't feel like I merit that kind of treatment and I can't imagine being able to ask for it and get it.
Being this unentangled, independent, solo-poly person...bottom and masochist but not submissive...that's safe. Being able to say, "Yeah, you know...nothing lasts, and this won't either, but I'll enjoy it for a while." That feels safe. Fun loving, happy-go-lucky, cool and collected, sane and stable...that feels safe. Being really vulnerable though...nooo....not safe.
Analyst posted on a Facebook thread about polyamory and expressed that people who are inherently insecure, cause problems in poly groups, and if there is too much focus on the needs of one person, then things become unbalanced and stuff falls apart. He has mentioned too that he finds shaky self esteem to be off-putting in partners. I don't know if any of that was directed at me...I actually don't think so...but I don't know... But it sure reinforces the way I feel about not making myself vulnerable.
If you do Google searches and try to read about managing insecurity and even the more common threads here about it, it's usually about jealousy. Mine still has nothing to do with other partners. I'm not afraid my love(s) will choose another person over me. I'm afraid that they will simply push me away, especially if I feel strongly, and even more especially if I express it. And definitely if I have a day where I'm afraid and unsure, and I reach out for validation or reassurance. That is terrifying. It is more than fear of abandonment. It's the gremlin, that says that me in an emotional state, is simply repugnant. I'm only likeable, lovable, wantable, if my walls are up and I'm playing it cool.
I don't know if anyone else feels this way. I don't know if anyone has ever overcome it, or found a way to manage it. Is the answer to simply hide my feelings? How and why are some people allowed to be vulnerable and it seems to be a death knell for my relationships?
A big part of my concern here is the management of "drop." It's something I've experienced a little bit recently and everyone says to reach out to your top or Dom to help...but I'm scared to do that...and I'll probably let the gremlins nibble for a couple of days and then I'll be ok.
I'm probably also having some issues because I dealt with my ex a bit this weekend and have another appointment at the paralegal's tomorrow afternoon, and I still don't feel entirely well. I have been struggling with wanting to quit smoking...I wrestle it down to almost nothing and then have a weak day where I break down and just smoke or buy a pack or whatever, and feeling like I'm losing that battle is exhausting. It's just...stuff. I'll own it and deal with it. I will just try and look forward to First Fridays and the party at Voodoo this weekend, which are big highlights of every month.
But today I shall go home and go to bed, I think. I didn't sleep well last night anyhow. I was restless in my dreaming and my stupid cat woke me up at like 3am. It's a convergence of crap today. Become the kind of day, especially this afternoon, that is better off just slept through if possible.
I'll be off work in less than an hour. In about an hour, I'll be getting home and becoming a nice lump under a light blanket for a while...
EDIT: OHMYGOSH... Just worked out the calendarized pattern here, seeing some commonalities in this drop and my last...which was 3 weeks ago, similar point in lady-cycle and also sleep deprived. I CAN SCIENCE THIS. I actually feel much better now in this moment, knowing I might be able to predict, control, avoid, logic my way through this business in the future. Sitting at work with tears standing in your eyes all afternoon for no good reason is just...ugh...I feel like such a Marvin. "Don't tell me about life..."
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Well, it's partly hormones, sure. But where did this come from, the scenario where you have an off day, and tell your partner about it, and then they dump you? You were mono with Old Wolf for like 20 years. You haven't been dating others all that long. So maybe you dated a few jerks who only wanted a good time girl? Old Wolf didn't dump you because he wanted to keep you around for a punching bag.
Your main partner seems to be nuts about you. Couldn't you cry in his arms, and receive comfort, not rejection, when you're having a bad day, whether it's "just" PMS or something else?
Your main partner seems to be nuts about you. Couldn't you cry in his arms, and receive comfort, not rejection, when you're having a bad day, whether it's "just" PMS or something else?
As Magdlyn says, Zen will probably manage very well...
Anyway, you're not being a needy woman, so I think with small steps this should be manageable.
I am not surprised that there is a complementary issue - you don't feel ok being vulnerable so you play upbeat ... and then a partner chooses you who is not really comfortable with expressions of vulnerability in others. Is that possible?
Anyway, you're not being a needy woman, so I think with small steps this should be manageable.
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
I totally get those feelings of "can't be needy, can't be demanding" What's odd is that I get them in some relationships but not others. I don't have any worries about being overly clingy or needy with my husband or my closest friends, but with FWBs or boyfriends? I'm terrified to show any vulnerability.
For me, it has a lot to do with the voluntary / only-so-long-as-it-makes-us-happy nature of those relationships. There's this idea in my head that if someone is participating in the relationship solely because it brings them happiness, well, the minute I bring unhappiness, it's over. Without the (explicit or implied) promise of forever, are these people just perpetually counting the good and bad of the relationship, ready to bail when the scales tip to the negative side?
I'm not advocating anyone stay in a shitty, misery-inducing relationship, obviously. But with Andy, with D, with K... All of them have had stretches lasting months and months where they were exhausting black holes of need. And I've had my periods like that, too. During those times, if the stable partners had taken the cliched advice to weigh the positives and negatives of the relationship, they would have been running for their lives But no one did. Because we are each other's for-the-rest-of-our-lives people.
With Dag, with boyfriends in general ... There isn't that security, for me. That sense that we are committed, permanent, no matter what. So I'm always worried that if I become more work than pleasure, they'll leave.
I know it isn't as black and white as I'm making it out to be - there are infinite shades of commitment between "til death do us part" and "one foot out the door". But there is something about impermanence in relationships that makes me afraid of being too much work.
What's odd is that I get them in some relationships but not others. I don't have any worries about being overly clingy or needy with my husband or my closest friends, but with FWBs or boyfriends? I'm terrified to show any vulnerability. For me, it has a lot to do with the voluntary / only-so-long-as-it-makes-us-happy nature of those relationships. There's this idea in my head that if someone is participating in the relationship solely because it brings them happiness, well, the minute I bring unhappiness, it's over. Without the (explicit or implied) promise of forever, are these people just perpetually counting the good and bad of the relationship, ready to bail when the scales tip to the negative side?
I'm not advocating anyone stay in a shitty, misery-inducing relationship, obviously. But with Andy, with D, with K... All of them have had stretches lasting months and months where they were exhausting black holes of need. And I've had my periods like that, too. During those times, if the stable partners had taken the cliched advice to weigh the positives and negatives of the relationship, they would have been running for their lives
But no one did. Because we are each other's for-the-rest-of-our-lives people. With Dag, with boyfriends in general ... There isn't that security, for me. That sense that we are committed, permanent, no matter what. So I'm always worried that if I become more work than pleasure, they'll leave.
I know it isn't as black and white as I'm making it out to be - there are infinite shades of commitment between "til death do us part" and "one foot out the door". But there is something about impermanence in relationships that makes me afraid of being too much work.
Spork
Active member
It's really so rare that I feel really big, strong, attachy feelings for a partner. It's only happened a handful of times in my life, and Old Wolf was not one of them. I never felt in love with him, not even in the beginning. I really thought he was just another guy, here today and gone tomorrow and it was no big deal. But I was so young, and I didn't know how to manage my own life...it was not until (believe it or not) the last few months that I learned that all the entanglement didn't just sort of ~happen~. He wanted it. He took for granted that I'd be his One and have his babies and all that, even though I explicitly TOLD him many times that I was not interested in being a wife or a mother. He sort of nodded, smiled, and assumed I'd change my mind when it happened. And then made it happen.
I find this very unfair. And I feel that I was almost violated. I was not given a chance to give informed consent to circumstances that would mold the rest of my life. It was just assumed I'd get with the program as the program unfolded in front of me. This is evidently what happens when a controlling man gets with an 18 year old girl, whose brain isn't even done cooking yet.
But it's in the past, and I can't say that I didn't benefit from it. I don't hate my life or where it wound up, if anything I just wish I'd given those years to someone more deserving of them...but then I tell myself, I gave them to my sons. And that redeems it.
So anyhow, I did not feel like that for him. But I had a few boyfriends prior to him, during my teenage years, where I did. And then of course there was the Worm King and he...well, he's whatever. I felt very strongly for him, even though it was a short lived thing.
I seem drawn to men who generate questions and don't always give answers. I wish I knew the particulars of Zen's sexual and relationship history. All I've been able to get out of him is, "I'm not a virgin" and "there's not much to tell." I don't know if he had a woman, or women in his life when he was younger, or more recently. I don't know how he behaves in his relations with women. I say gushy, lovey things to him, and he does sometimes say, "I feel the same." He thanks me for being in his life. He seems to want to spend time with me and we've had a lot of time together in recent weeks. I want so badly to trust this, but yet I'm afraid of being a fool.
I also feel like people are attracted initially to a cool and quirky fun gal who is all smiles and snark, new stories and adventure, new and novel sexual activities. If I change...if I become this "in love" person, feeling like a puppy all eyes for its master, craving the assurance of belonging-to, and wanting to give...once all of my stories are told, and we have explored enough intimacy to know what we like and fall into patterns... I feel that I give all of my power to my partner, and once they have it, once they don't have to chase me, then what is left to want? I'm only human, and I only have so much big exciting new stuff to give...underneath it all, I'm as boring as anyone. I am scared to become tiresome.
I've been trying, since my emotional mess over the Worm King taught me some stuff, to be more careful with my emotions. I hate that, I want to just let em fly wherever they want, but it seems to get me hurt. So I've been taking it really slowly, and trying to stay a bit more in-step with my partners...I've been even slower with the people in my quad, because I'm not always sure how they feel about me, especially Analyst. He validates me with words just enough to keep me feeling reassured and not drifting away entirely...but his actions and moods often give me doubts.
This thing with Zen, this is the first time literally EVER where I've gotten this far down the rabbit hole emotionally without it blowing up on me. I have taken more time. I guarded my heart for months. I cannot know for sure what he actually feels...but I have a sense that there is a balance with him, and I don't want to tip it by being too intense. It's not even just what I say, it's how much I let myself feel and how I let my eyes speak when we're together, because he is quite empathic. He picks up on a lot. He doesn't always interpret the signals right, but he reads them loud and clear.
In other news, I went to Voodoo last night, after a nap, for a class on wax play. I felt that I needed people, and this activity is free. I talked to my friends and felt some good support there, Svetlana, the owner of the place, in particular had some good words and energy for me. She was, when I met her, a Domme. Larger than life (her energy and personality just ARE larger than life, she is a radiant spirit.) But in recent months she has jumped to the other side of the power dynamic and is a collared sub to a man in the community. She certainly had a lot of shared feeling on vulnerability and insecurity, and it felt good to talk to her.
Then went to see Fire and Hefe. Fire has been dating another man in the community, and is now getting pretty tight with his sub. So our polycule is growing. I am very fond of these people, and hope to see more of them. I don't know that I'd become intimate with them myself, I get the sense that I am...not their type, somehow, in that way. But I want to be better friends with them. Fire says that she finds me at my most endearing and attractive when I am vulnerable. It was reassuring to hear. My tanks are feeling a bit more full today.
Spork
Active member
I totally get those feelings of "can't be needy, can't be demanding"
For me, it has a lot to do with the voluntary / only-so-long-as-it-makes-us-happy nature of those relationships. There's this idea in my head that if someone is participating in the relationship solely because it brings them happiness, well, the minute I bring unhappiness, it's over. Without the (explicit or implied) promise of forever, are these people just perpetually counting the good and bad of the relationship, ready to bail when the scales tip to the negative side?
I'm not advocating anyone stay in a shitty, misery-inducing relationship, obviously. But with Andy, with D, with K... All of them have had stretches lasting months and months where they were exhausting black holes of need. And I've had my periods like that, too. During those times, if the stable partners had taken the cliched advice to weigh the positives and negatives of the relationship, they would have been running for their lives
With Dag, with boyfriends in general ... There isn't that security, for me. That sense that we are committed, permanent, no matter what. So I'm always worried that if I become more work than pleasure, they'll leave.
I know it isn't as black and white as I'm making it out to be - there are infinite shades of commitment between "til death do us part" and "one foot out the door". But there is something about impermanence in relationships that makes me afraid of being too much work.
Regarding this, I also feel like I'm messing with the terms of an understood agreement. Whatever level of casual-ness and not-commitment that I proclaim myself on board for in the beginning...I feel like when I get super feelsy and vulnerable, let alone start making any demands, I am asking for more than I signed on to receive in the first place.
Maybe.
??
PinkPig
Well-known member
My gut reaction to this is: if someone is perpetually counting good/bad and is ready to bail as soon as the scales tip, then do I really want to be with that person? Wouldn't I much prefer a person who may do that initially but not once the relationship is established and the connection secure? (because, hey, don't we all kind of do that in the early stages when we're trying to determine whether to stick around and build something or leave and find someone more compatible?)
I think all of this goes back to what FallenAngelina says about if we find security within ourselves, our relationships will reflect that. If I'm confident that I'm lovable exactly as I am, then I will attract people who will love me for exactly who I am. On the other hand, if I'm afraid to show new people the real me and I only show them the best me...clean house, perfectly coiffed, my anxiety in check...then they'll fall for the facade I've created and it will feel like a shock if they suddenly see me at my worst. For me, that starts by changing my perspective and self-talk, and allowing myself to be vulnerable, even if that means that some people don't choose to be with me. I'd rather people dislike the real me than love the facade me!
Spork, I agree with Tinwen, It seems Zen cares deeply for the real you. As for Analyst, if you haven't been showing him the 'needy' you, then why would he make that comment about you? Seems more likely he's making a general statement. There's a huge difference between being inherently needy and having moments of need. Everyone has needs and everyone has moments where they feel needy, even if they refuse to admit it or aren't self-aware enough to identify it. Just a matter of life.
As for the feelings of insecurity being rooted in jealousy, that's not usually the case for me. Occasionally, it's jealousy, more frequently envy. And, most often, it's fear of abandonment for me. Goes back to my childhood.