Thoughts on recent events...

P

Perrey

New member
I am writing as I need to vent and maybe glean new insights into a situation I found myself and subsequently left.

I met a man online. He was nice, we had a high percentage match. We had a lot in common. At first it was going very well. We mainly communicated via email. Then as we were moving toward more frequent contact his partner began experiencing problems.

Initially I was supportive but soon, all we discussed was the situation with the partner. The partner soon added me to social media and the posts the partner was making was overwhelming and frankly began to terrify me.

I tried discussing this with him but all his answers just overwhelmed me more. He asked I message on a consistent basis with the partner and to be supportive. He asked if we should just go back to emailing as by that time we were texting. I felt like an observer to this strange situation with him and his partner.

I tried to communicate my discomfort but I wasn't successful and it became apparent that the partner was seen as the primary, and I was secondary with the assumption that this was seen as the norm. None of this was discussed. I didn't see any future within the situation. I saw nothing for me. I began to see how I could be of use to them but I had no place.

I ended it.

Since then I've had this feeling of dread and frankly, disgust. I am glad I ended it. I don't want that in my life. I don't want that within my relationship and I am shocked that this would be seen as normal.

Right now I feel used. I dislike this place where I am currently. I've spoken with my husband and he told he, its about my happiness. I appreciate that.

I guess I am rethinking if I want to try again for a poly relationship. I don't like people right now. It's been two years since our last ended. Maybe I am just not ready. Maybe I can't. Maybe I am rushing things. Maybe it was just the wrong person. Maybe I am overthinking things. I don't know. I just feel overwhelmed and I am working my way back to calm.

I just had to put it out there to see, have others gone through this? What did you do? I am looking and wanting feedback.
 
A couple years ago, I had a short relationship with a man I thought was pretty damn wonderful. A few months into the relationship, I received an email from his fiance who had snooped on his Facebook and found out we were seeing each other. The email was quite...er, terrifying, actually. She was obviously extremely upset. I had zero idea that he was seeing someone else, fiance or otherwise. He'd told me he was single with no attachments. I was entirely horrified. I felt disgusting and like somehow I should have known.

I ended up emailing her back, letting her know I had no idea that she existed, and that I was disgusted and upset too. I immediately ended it with Liar Liar Pants on Fire, because for me honesty is critical and lying- to me- is an unforgivable breach of trust. If I can't trust you to be truthful, then I can't trust you at all.

It felt awful, like I'd been used just as you describe. I had this sick twisting sensation on and off for weeks. I felt like I had hurt this stranger, whom I'd never met and certainly didn't bear any ill will towards. That made me feel guilty and ashamed. Underneath that, I was angry and resentful. I'd had this wonderful thing, only to get it ruined. I had quite a few rounds of "unfair, unfair!" going about my head for a while. Even still, I can't look back on our good times with any sense of peace or grace. I am still angry, and it flavors the memories of him that could have been sweet.

I have come to the conclusion that sometimes life is just shit, and sometimes people are just shitty. Their choices and dramas are theirs to own. I no longer feel guilty or sick, but if I ever came across him again I wouldn't guarantee I'd be able to be anything more than carefully polite.
 
Thank you Feather Fool.

What you wrote is exactly what I feel. I keep thinking I should feel relieved that I left. I think yeah, I got out. The only thought I have is, I don't want that. That's where the disgust is coming from. I made it clear what I could and couldn't do. Yet, my boundaries were violated and that's the disgust. I wasn't listened too.

I was telling my husband, well. I was railing against the world to my husband about how people are inherently selfish and how I want to move to a mountain and become a hermit. Which is exactly how I feel.

I am disappointed and it hurts. I am angry too.

I just need to know that I am not alone in having this happen. That other's know this space I am occupying. Maybe it will get better?
 
I, too, felt like my boundaries had been crossed and, almost worse, that I had been an accomplice (albeit unknowing) to someone else's boundaries being violated.

I think it does get better. The initial shock and hurt gets better with time and perspective... at least, it did in my case. I had support in a few good friends which also helped, though I was initially too ashamed to tell them what had happened. Eventually I realized I had nothing to be ashamed about: I had acted with integrity as much as I was able. And I wasn't going to let Liar Liar Pants on Fire change me from who I wanted to be. I want to be able to trust people, and so I choose to continue trusting people. Though... maybe with a bit more pragmatism now.
 
Perrey, I have a few questions. Were all of your interactions with this man online? You never met in person, correct? How long of a time period were you communicating and building towards having a relationship? Where in that timeline did things start to go haywire with his partner?
 
nycindie said:
Perrey, I have a few questions. Were all of your interactions with this man online? You never met in person, correct? How long of a time period were you communicating and building towards having a relationship? Where in that timeline did things start to go haywire with his partner?
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All interactions were online via email then over to texting. No face to face meeting or telephone conversations. Telephone was identified as uncomfortable on his part. Face to face meeting wasnt easy as there was distance.

Time period was 7 weeks. Everything went haywire in the last two weeks.
 
Hi Perrey,

I am thinking it is not time for you to try poly right this minute; however, later on it might be good for you.

However, the man you were in contact with apparently had a partner you didn't know about at first? If so, that was a huge omission on his part.

My suggestion is that you don't rush back into poly. Give yourself some time to recover from the situation you were in. In the future you will know to be extra careful. Love is still out there, but unfortunately we have to take precautions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Definitely do not overspray your feelings about THIS person, onto lots of people or all people.

Some people are wonderful and amazing.

Some are total rubbish.

And almost all...or maybe all...are some mix, somewhere on the scale. No one is perfect. Some behave in more considerate and decent ways than others.

What you experienced sounds really weird to me. I have certainly experienced people not being good to me or treating me with consideration. While I definitely don't think that poly is for everyone, I also would advise you against being too hasty in your judgments because of a bad experience. Just as anyone, like a mono person in the dating scene, might have bad experiences and be tempted to give up...yet the next experience could be a wonderful one.

If I'd given up last year in oh...July or so...I'd have missed out on four fantastic partners I presently have, as well as the best sex, greatest friendships, and some of the most amazing sensual experiences, love, support, and companionship I have ever experienced. If I'd given up, I'd have nothing. Instead, I've got that.

Keep your chin up. This, too, shall pass.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Perrey,

I am thinking it is not time for you to try poly right this minute; however, later on it might be good for you.

However, the man you were in contact with apparently had a partner you didn't know about at first? If so, that was a huge omission on his part.

My suggestion is that you don't rush back into poly. Give yourself some time to recover from the situation you were in. In the future you will know to be extra careful. Love is still out there, but unfortunately we have to take precautions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

KDT

I knew he had a partner. Later it came out that the partner had issues. Then it came out that the issues were serious. I didn't know how serious until I saw the posting on social media. That's when I left.

I am taking time. I am re-evaluating. I am worried and scared. I don't want this as part of my life. I am afraid that is all that there is. Yet, I see happy poly people so that can't be true. Its still a fear.

I am in the feeling uncertain phase. My trust was violated as were my boundaries. I feel foolish as I think through it and come to a place where I can be comfortable in my own world again.

That will take time. I have no want to rush into anything. Thank you for your response.
 
Spork said:
Definitely do not overspray your feelings about THIS person, onto lots of people or all people.

Some people are wonderful and amazing.

Some are total rubbish.

And almost all...or maybe all...are some mix, somewhere on the scale. No one is perfect. Some behave in more considerate and decent ways than others.

What you experienced sounds really weird to me. I have certainly experienced people not being good to me or treating me with consideration. While I definitely don't think that poly is for everyone, I also would advise you against being too hasty in your judgments because of a bad experience. Just as anyone, like a mono person in the dating scene, might have bad experiences and be tempted to give up...yet the next experience could be a wonderful one.

If I'd given up last year in oh...July or so...I'd have missed out on four fantastic partners I presently have, as well as the best sex, greatest friendships, and some of the most amazing sensual experiences, love, support, and companionship I have ever experienced. If I'd given up, I'd have nothing. Instead, I've got that.

Keep your chin up. This, too, shall pass.
Click to expand...

I hope so. I hope this will pass and I am wrong about my fears. Thank you.
 
I think you are taking this all a bit too much to heart. It wasn't even two months that you were communicating, his dramas escalated quickly, he and his gf tried to involve you in some big, strange issue they were creating, and you very smartly extricated yourself from a very weird situation. Thankfully, you hadn't met yet and gotten more involved. Seven weeks is no time at all; be grateful you saw their true colors so early on, but don't attach too much meaning to this nor allow yourself to give in to fatalistic "woe is me's."

You simply interacted with a guy online who is in a flaky high-drama situation, recognized it wasn't for you and got the hell out. Shit like this happens in online dating - it doesn't matter if it's polyamory or monogamy. I suggest you find ways to grow a thicker skin if you're going to do online dating again! Most importantly, don't turn one weird and crappy experience into some pronouncement about polyamory, men in general, your worth, or anything like that. You can't give up and become a hermit.
 
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nycindie said:
I think you are taking this all a bit too much to heart. It wasn't even two months that you were communicating, his dramas escalated quickly, he and his gf tried to involve you in some big, strange issue they were creating, and you very smartly extricated yourself from a very weird situation. Thankfully, you hadn't met yet and gotten more involved. Seven weeks is no time at all; be grateful you saw their true colors so early on, but don't attach too much meaning to this nor allow yourself to give in to fatalistic "woe is me's."

You simply interacted with a guy online who is in a flaky high-drama situation, recognized it wasn't for you and got the hell out. Shit like this happens in online dating - it doesn't matter if it's polyamory or monogamy. I suggest you find ways to grow a thicker skin if you're going to do online dating again! Most importantly, don't turn one weird and crappy experience into some pronouncement about polyamory, men in general, your worth, or anything like that. You can't give up and become a hermit.
Click to expand...
Yes, this. The situation really seemed very weird to me, too. I mean - you had not even met in person yet, and still this partner wants to add you on her social media - wtf? And, start writing some bs about you... That is weird. Like really weird. You were wise to get out of that situation soon enough.

Take your time to recover from this experience and get on dating again!
 
I've been living poly for over 7 years, and tried it back in 1999-2000 as well.

If you knew all the weirdos and jerks I have been approached by, or gone on first dates with, it would curl your hair! And I try really hard to screen guys first, when I talk to them on okc. In 7 years I have been on about 30 first dates, but out of that, only about 5 men, and 1 woman, have had long term relationships bloom. I've talked online to literally hundreds, probably over a thousand. I try to not have long term online things going, or to do long distance relationships. I want someone who I can see often. I live with my gf and have learned to date men who live in a 10-20 mile radius.

I see in your OP you mention it's been 2 years since you had a polyamorous relationship? Can you clarify? Has it been 2 years since you had this little online kerfuffle? And you're still freaked out?
 
nycindie said:
I think you are taking this all a bit too much to heart. It wasn't even two months that you were communicating, his dramas escalated quickly, he and his gf tried to involve you in some big, strange issue they were creating, and you very smartly extricated yourself from a very weird situation. Thankfully, you hadn't met yet and gotten more involved. Seven weeks is no time at all; be grateful you saw their true colors so early on, but don't attach too much meaning to this nor allow yourself to give in to fatalistic "woe is me's."

You simply interacted with a guy online who is in a flaky high-drama situation, recognized it wasn't for you and got the hell out. Shit like this happens in online dating - it doesn't matter if it's polyamory or monogamy. I suggest you find ways to grow a thicker skin if you're going to do online dating again! Most importantly, don't turn one weird and crappy experience into some pronouncement about polyamory, men in general, your worth, or anything like that. You can't give up and become a hermit.
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To this advice I will say thank you for your response but no thank you in the content.

Seven weeks to you in your life is nothing. Seven weeks of my life, is seven weeks of my life. I take exception to anyone wasting seven weeks of my life with their drama and issues.

As to growing thicker skin, again no thank you. I believe society already has a major issue with seeing emotions as healthy. To be told to grow thicker skin is in reality to being told get over it.

This is my issue. I am processing it and I am working to learn from it. This takes time and willingness to be vulnerable to be express emotion. Something I am willing to do in order to see what lessons can be gleaned.

At this point, again. Thank you for your response but I do not agree.
 
Nadya said:
Yes, this. The situation really seemed very weird to me, too. I mean - you had not even met in person yet, and still this partner wants to add you on her social media - wtf? And, start writing some bs about you... That is weird. Like really weird. You were wise to get out of that situation soon enough.

Take your time to recover from this experience and get on dating again!
Click to expand...

As to the part of "Yes, this." I do not agree with the grow a thicker skin. I think that is inappropriate and dismissive.

The situation was weird and that's why I left.

What I did write was, that I am disgusted. I am disappointed and that hurts. I am angry too.

I am more angry than anything else. I am angry that someone would dare violate boundaries that I set down. That any person would be so manipulative and sneaky. I felt foolish. I was embarrassed.

I am learning a lot. I am also learning that my emotional processing and me railing against society is part of it.

Will I run off and be a hermit. Unlikely. Will I take time. Yes, that would be normal in the course of the processing and finding insight.

Maybe I'll get into it again. Maybe not. Who knows. At this point, I am okay with letting it just be.
 
Magdlyn said:
I've been living poly for over 7 years, and tried it back in 1999-2000 as well.

If you knew all the weirdos and jerks I have been approached by, or gone on first dates with, it would curl your hair! And I try really hard to screen guys first, when I talk to them on okc. In 7 years I have been on about 30 first dates, but out of that, only about 5 men, and 1 woman, have had long term relationships bloom. I've talked online to literally hundreds, probably over a thousand. I try to not have long term online things going, or to do long distance relationships. I want someone who I can see often. I live with my gf and have learned to date men who live in a 10-20 mile radius.

I see in your OP you mention it's been 2 years since you had a polyamorous relationship? Can you clarify? Has it been 2 years since you had this little online kerfuffle? And you're still freaked out?
Click to expand...

I was in a poly relationship for 5 years that ended 2 years ago. It was the first and only. The online situation happened within the last few days.

I too have been approached and propositioned a few times. Not hundreds or more. I am reserved and I take time in my life seriously. I don't waste my time. My area has a nice poly community but a lot of excuses I've heard center around time. "I'd call you but I'll be in.... next week." People are busy. If they are too busy to call, then they can move on. I don't go out on casual dating. I like getting to know men before I do any activity.

This was the first time I was willing to take time to invest. The investment didn't turn out and that angers me. I am angry. I am also disgusted at this person and was to a smaller extent in society.

Since then, I've spoke with my husband and friend and have received very good empathetic responses. Everything from it get's better to, it'll be okay, not today but it will be. The slow simmer of anger that I was feeling has lessened a lot.

I don't know what I will do. I still believe in poly. I see myself as open to it.
 
I don't blame you for feeling angry. I'm sure it will get better after awhile.
 
kdt26417 said:
I don't blame you for feeling angry. I'm sure it will get better after awhile.
Click to expand...

In time. One day. The point is, there is hope again and not so much the wanting to wash my hands with society and say heck with it, then go live out in the middle of no where.

Disgust is a powerful feeling and sensation. Makes you want to just leave and close the door. Ick.
 
Do you feel like that man was just using you?
 
OK so I had a bad dating experience (I guess) last year.

Unlike you, I hopped in bed with the fellow quite quickly, and fell for him pretty quickly too.

Part of it was me moving too fast on a man who was part of the "muggle" crowd (not involved in a kink or poly community, not one to read books about alt stuff, and therefore operating under muggle assumption culture norms and not self aware or willing to explore thoughts/feelings much) so when I got attached, he freaked out, and yeah...it was too soon for him. That part was me. He did lots of weird behaviors, too, though.

Now unlike you, OP, I do not tend to project outwards as much as inwards. I felt that I was doomed to have relationship after relationship where either I cared and he did not, or he cared and I did not, one person clinging and one running, one pushing and the other pulling. I thought there wasn't a lot of hope for my future in the world of love. I did get a bit huffy and upset about men being players and whatever...but that wasn't the bigger part of my aggravation.

But...I wasn't gonna give up, because frankly I love people and I love sex. I crave companionship. But the whole thing did fill me with despair for a short time. I don't have the best track record. My marriage was toxic. My relationships before, and flings after, short-lived. So when I gave a man I had back-burnered a second chance in July of last year, I wasn't hoping for much. But he was poly, and he brought in a couple...and then I found my Zen Sadist, too. I have managed to end up with not one but FOUR people who are loving, supportive, and generally healthy relationships. Holy smokes!

And yet I'm also scared of being vulnerable sometimes. Maybe most of us can be that way sometimes.

Point here: Not only are there great people out there to be found, but having past difficulties doesn't indicate that you'll never be able to find the good ones and have good relationships, where you're safe and happy.

Although I do agree with posters who said what they did about a thicker skin, but not with regard to THIS situation (7 weeks...I get you about that) only because the world of online dating is, in general, a very silly place.

Good luck to you!
 
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