Online dating blows

B

Belladonna

Active member
I haven't posted in a very very long time. I was in a pretty good relashionship and it ended suddenly and no so great I might add so I just stopped looking for a few years.

Anyway back to the future. Rejoined okcupid. Why is it you say you are poly online and guys assume you are a swinger and ready to go. Umm no. I like relationships. Maybe more so than I like sex with other people. I like the Intamacy. The getting to know someone. The courting. Am I that old??

I guess I need to be more direct online and trust me I try but I swear I don't think that stops guy from going straight to the "send me pics of your tits"

Please tell me I am not the only one that has this problem.
 
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If it's any consolation, it seems to be a widespread problem for women on dating sites, poly or not. I don't usually get those messages myself, and when I do it's from the guys who are obviously spamming every female they can find. I think my profile is blunt enough that anyone who actually reads it doesn't even bother trying with that sort of crap.

It's easy to accidentally say the wrong thing with a bad word choice, and hard to spot it yourself because you know what you were trying to say and you re-read it through that filter when you're editing. Perhaps you could ask a few people you trust to take a look at your profile and give you their opinions.
 
Emm said:
If it's any consolation, it seems to be a widespread problem for women on dating sites, poly or not. I don't usually get those messages myself, and when I do it's from the guys who are obviously spamming every female they can find. I think my profile is blunt enough that anyone who actually reads it doesn't even bother trying with that sort of crap.

It's easy to accidentally say the wrong thing with a bad word choice, and hard to spot it yourself because you know what you were trying to say and you re-read it through that filter when you're editing. Perhaps you could ask a few people you trust to take a look at your profile and give you their opinions.
Click to expand...

Thank you!! That is a really good idea.
 
Online dating is tough. Especially if you are a woman who really enjoys sex, and you're honest about it, and admit it on your profile and in the Q&As.

I also have very good pix of myself on OKC, not that I am model gorgeous, but I am an artist, and I have taken flattering selfies and added a few other nicely composed pix taken by others.

I'd say a good 80% of men that contact me have obviously done nothing but look at my pix, so their messages all consist of variations of, "You're hot, let's chat." Only not spelled properly. There are a lot of stupid people in the world. To me OKC is a *dating* site. To them, it's just for a cheap hookup, or worse, they just want a sexy chat so they can masturbate.

I've taken to actually blocking everyone who talks to me like that. I reckon I don't even want them to be able to *see* my pix anymore, much less talk to them. So, block, delete, block, delete.

There are some men out there who do offer what I am looking for however, enough to engage in a conversation to see how they measure up. I wade through the scum to get to the clear waters of an actual respectful, interesting, smart, kind man who understands the premise of what polyamory really is, and also is gainfully employed, and with interesting hobbies, etc. He must have a well written profile, have a good high match (over 80%) and some pictures that make me think I'd enjoy looking at him over the first date table. Or see naked in bed. heh ;)
 
Your experience is definitely NOT just because you're poly, first of all, because dudes on dating sites are like that.

But it's kind of like life right, there are X% of men who just hope to get some easy sex with no feelings, entanglements, or relationship...with as many women as possible...

And there is Y% of men who are looking for THE ONE.

Less who are looking for poly-ish relationships...we ARE a minority. I found it hard to navigate because I was not looking for NSA sex, yet I was not looking for a relationship leading to marriage and such either. I wanted something in between. And even if you are doing mono, finding a man who wants something in between can be hard.

This was illustrated by an in-person interaction with a man who comes to the BDSM parties at the club... He is HAPPILY married (as he frequently points out) but his wife is in another state, he's here a while for work, and her sex drive isn't lined up well with his. So he is just looking for more sex partners. (He's one who says he's doing DADT, but I think he's just cheating.) He came to a poly discussion group, hoping he'd have opportunities to find more partners. He quickly realized that everyone else there was doing multiple relationships, and that his swinger mojo wasn't really flowin' in that crowd. I engaged him in a conversation about the legislation of emotions, because he was really insistent that feelings were NOT ALLOWED because he is HAPPILY MARRIED, do I not understand that!?!? I was like dude, who says you can't do both? I just wanted him to be a little more openminded. But my point is that most men I know seem to think that there are only two kinds of women in the world. Sluts you have meaningless sex with and feel nothing for, and respectable ladies you marry and bring home to mama and love. That's it.

Of course there are the rebels among us who are breaking out of that container and exploring alternatives. But that appears to be how the majority does it.
 
Hi Belladonna,

Sorry to you're getting the lust-happy treatment on OKCupid. I gave up on OKC many years ago personally and while I know it works for some, I think that there is some work involved (many frogs to kiss before you can find a prince).

I hope your luck will improve.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Spork said:
But my point is that most men I know seem to think that there are only two kinds of women in the world. Sluts you have meaningless sex with and feel nothing for, and respectable ladies you marry and bring home to mama and love. That's it.

Of course there are the rebels among us who are breaking out of that container and exploring alternatives. But that appears to be how the majority does it.
Click to expand...

And then there are, fortunately, the men who think there are sluts you fall in love with and respect and cherish... and fuck the hell out of on a regular basis. There needs to be more men like that.

Sorry. Derail.

The vast majority of men who message me on dating sites never get a reply. The ones who get a reply almost always *stop* getting replies from me the second they turn the conversation to anything sexual. I'm a prude, apparently, because I won't talk about sex (where talking about sex means explicitly sexual conversation) with people I'm not having it with or making plans to have it with. (Often not even with them...) As others said, some men are on those sites solely to find wank fodder; some of them, I think, are actually afraid to meet women in person, they'd rather just cyber-sex or cam.
 
And then there are, fortunately, the men who think there are sluts you fall in love with and respect and cherish... and fuck the hell out of on a regular basis. There needs to be more men like that.
Click to expand...

Fuck yes.
 
Not meant personally about you, Belladonna, because I haven't seen your profile or messages, so this is advice in general:



I've been on and off OKC for a few years and have learned that it's really important to advertise what you mean to advertise. Sometimes it's very helpful to show your profile to someone who isn't afraid to hurt your feelings, who won't just say that it's great and who will offer educated feedback about what you're putting out there. Yes, just about every women gets slobbery messages to a greater or lesser degree, but a well presented, clear and thorough profile can go a long way toward heading off misunderstandings. My experience is that OKC has great potential for bringing people together. I personally know and have experienced wonderful match ups, so a lot of one's experience on that site is going to be what you make it. Yes, a lot of men are looking for "just sex" and probably poly women get more messages steered that way, but keep in mind that we have every influence on how the discussions go down. We don't just sit back and absorb whatever "attitude" random people care to dish out, we are an active part of the world around us. It's this way in life and it's this way online. So really take an honest, fresh look at what you're presenting in your profile and pictures, then approach your correspondence with the same confidence and knowing presence that you have in life in general. You're much more apt to connect on OKC with great people when you have a confident, self possessed and friendly approach instead of a guarded, skeptical and exasperated one.

Also, it doesn't necessarily take forever to find a good match or two. You're just as likely to meet up with a great person (or two) on day one as you are on day 645.
 
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Spork said:
Your experience is definitely NOT just because you're poly, first of all, because dudes on dating sites are like that.

But it's kind of like life right, there are X% of men who just hope to get some easy sex with no feelings, entanglements, or relationship...with as many women as possible...

And there is Y% of men who are looking for THE ONE.

Less who are looking for poly-ish relationships...we ARE a minority. I found it hard to navigate because I was not looking for NSA sex, yet I was not looking for a relationship leading to marriage and such either. I wanted something in between. And even if you are doing mono, finding a man who wants something in between can be hard.
Click to expand...

Yes! exactly. I don't care for NSA sex but no interest in marriage. I guess I would say i am pretty complex. that must be very confusing for people that are not poly.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Belladonna,

Sorry to you're getting the lust-happy treatment on OKCupid. I gave up on OKC many years ago personally and while I know it works for some, I think that there is some work involved (many frogs to kiss before you can find a prince).

I hope your luck will improve.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

Thank you for the reply.
I am starting to think it might really not be the place for me but for now i am going to keep it up just to see what is out there.

I personally would like to just meet someone outside of the online world but i guess i would have to leave the house to do that ;)
(I do leave the house i am just more of an introvert)
 
KC43 said:
And then there are, fortunately, the men who think there are sluts you fall in love with and respect and cherish... and fuck the hell out of on a regular basis. There needs to be more men like that.

Sorry. Derail.

The vast majority of men who message me on dating sites never get a reply. The ones who get a reply almost always *stop* getting replies from me the second they turn the conversation to anything sexual. I'm a prude, apparently, because I won't talk about sex (where talking about sex means explicitly sexual conversation) with people I'm not having it with or making plans to have it with. (Often not even with them...) As others said, some men are on those sites solely to find wank fodder; some of them, I think, are actually afraid to meet women in person, they'd rather just cyber-sex or cam.
Click to expand...

I am a prude too!! A prude that loves sex... ha is that even a thing. I just am not into the whole sending of naked pictures. I don't even send them to my "husband" and we have been together for 15 years. I will talk sexy with someone i am serious with but someone that sends me a message online, I just cannot.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Not meant personally about you, Belladonna, because I haven't seen your profile or messages, so this is advice in general:



I've been on and off OKC for a few years and have learned that it's really important to advertise what you mean to advertise. Sometimes it's very helpful to show your profile to someone who isn't afraid to hurt your feelings, who won't just say that it's great and who will offer educated feedback about what you're putting out there. Yes, just about every women gets slobbery messages to a greater or lesser degree, but a well presented, clear and thorough profile can go a long way toward heading off misunderstandings. My experience is that OKC has great potential for bringing people together. I personally know and have experienced wonderful match ups, so a lot of one's experience on that site is going to be what you make it. Yes, a lot of men are looking for "just sex" and probably poly women get more messages steered that way, but keep in mind that we have every influence on how the discussions go down. We don't just sit back and absorb whatever "attitude" random people care to dish out, we are an active part of the world around us. It's this way in life and it's this way online. So really take an honest, fresh look at what you're presenting in your profile and pictures, then approach your correspondence with the same confidence and knowing presence that you have in life in general. You're much more apt to connect on OKC with great people when you have a confident, self possessed and friendly approach instead of a guarded, skeptical and exasperated one.

Also, it doesn't necessarily take forever to find a good match or two. You're just as likely to meet up with a great person (or two) on day one as you are on day 645.
Click to expand...

Thank you! you are very correct! I also need to make sure that i am direct and not lead anyone into thinking something other than what i am looking for. I have gotten a few guys interested in why i am poly and even though it has not lead to anything i am glad its been a change of pace.
 
Magdlyn said:
Online dating is tough. Especially if you are a woman who really enjoys sex, and you're honest about it, and admit it on your profile and in the Q&As.

I also have very good pix of myself on OKC, not that I am model gorgeous, but I am an artist, and I have taken flattering selfies and added a few other nicely composed pix taken by others.

I'd say a good 80% of men that contact me have obviously done nothing but look at my pix, so their messages all consist of variations of, "You're hot, let's chat." Only not spelled properly. There are a lot of stupid people in the world. To me OKC is a *dating* site. To them, it's just for a cheap hookup, or worse, they just want a sexy chat so they can masturbate.

I've taken to actually blocking everyone who talks to me like that. I reckon I don't even want them to be able to *see* my pix anymore, much less talk to them. So, block, delete, block, delete.

There are some men out there who do offer what I am looking for however, enough to engage in a conversation to see how they measure up. I wade through the scum to get to the clear waters of an actual respectful, interesting, smart, kind man who understands the premise of what polyamory really is, and also is gainfully employed, and with interesting hobbies, etc. He must have a well written profile, have a good high match (over 80%) and some pictures that make me think I'd enjoy looking at him over the first date table. Or see naked in bed. heh ;)
Click to expand...

I do not have a pic of myself on OK Cupid so i am pretty surprised that i still get these types of messages. If i was a guy i would so not message me because of that reason alone.
 
Belladonna said:
I do not have a pic of myself on OK Cupid so i am pretty surprised that i still get these types of messages. If i was a guy i would so not message me because of that reason alone.
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Some women have no pic and still get told how pretty they are. Goes to show that so many men are just spamming you by name only.

I get told I am pretty and gorgeous and sexy on OKC every day. And it means nothing to me at this point.

Hehe I had a guy just the other day tell me my profile was "simple," could he get to know me better. My profile is very long and detailed. Probably too long and wordy for most of those asshats to even comprehend.
 
Magdlyn said:
Some women have no pic and still get told how pretty they are. Goes to show that so many men are just spamming you by name only.

I get told I am pretty and gorgeous and sexy on OKC every day. And it means nothing to me at this point.

Hehe I had a guy just the other day tell me my profile was "simple," could he get to know me better. My profile is very long and detailed. Probably too long and wordy for most of those asshats to even comprehend.
Click to expand...

People are very bizarre creatures. I don't think I could put a picture on OKC of myself for the exact reason you stated but then again I would also have more real people contact me if they could see I was a real person. I have my pic on kik if it does get past the point of just spamming.
 
Online dating sites can be a serious downer. My wife, and many women friends have run into all manner of...shall we say, less than savory types.

One thing we've done that helps a bit is to add a request near the bottom of the profile, but not in the last paragraph. Something like, "Let me know you read this by telling me your favorite color". If the person responding to the profile doesn't say what their favorite color is, we know they are just spamming.

I don't know why guys spam like that. Personally, I would never do that; I'm not looking for ANY random person who responds. I read profiles and base my decision to contact them or not based on the profile. But, there must be enough responses to such spam attempts for guys to keep doing it. Oh well.
 
.

My very limited experience of dating websites makes me want to shudder. NZ sites are pretty much full of people posing with dead animals, rebounding divorcees and drunken shots in Rarotonga with five mates (I may be overly cynical). The thing I hate the most is someone who initiates communication, then suddenly drops out, to the point to deleting their account. I assume in these cases that they are in a relationship but still looking, but get guilted out.
 
Hi Belladonna
First of all as a member of the male species that has been on numerous dating sites let me apologize for all the males out there with no tact. I get angered at them myself because they have made it tough for poly males like me. My wife and I joined a half dozen dating sites a few years ago because we felt we wanted to try the swingers lifestyle. Little did we know at the time that we are not swingers but actually poly friendly people. The male entorouge was rude and pitiful. Many offered sex and dick pics to my wife. They refuse to include me as the husband because it will just be their little secret. My wife and I have no secrets between us.
We soon learned after a period of experimentation random NSA sex was not for us as a couple. We discovered the word poly and embraced that as our adventure to further enhance our marriage of over 30 years. She has been in love and dating a younger man for nearly 2 years now and he is a wonderful addition for us. Probably my best and most understanding friend right now. We are a V and not a triad which is okay but I am open to most anything. I have tried to find that special woman in my life but the women on OKcupid and all the other sites are so jaded by the bad experiences with these ball bearing males who all have 10 inches and would love to send pics instead of getting to know the ladies first. I did date one lady for a couple of months until she fell deeply in love with me. The problems started after that when she decided she didn't want my wife being part of the relationship and wanted me to herself. That couldn't work because we may be poly but we are "till death do us part".
I have had a number of replies back from females who are overly rude when I approach them about getting to know me. I understand they are gunshy from being hit on day after day by these other males. I even had one that chastised me for being in a non-monogamous relationship. She explained she was christian and christians don't act that way.
To conclude my thoughts I wish you ladies out there all the best. Online dating just doesn't seem to be the answer but yet society frowns on us just bringing that subject up to friends and neighbors and people we meet. I am not giving up because who knows if the Big Deal of the Day is behind the box or curtain number 2. I would sure like to be able to meet some of you to prove there are still gentleman out there and some of us desire open relationships.
 
RUourcouple said:
First of all as a member of the male species that has been on numerous dating sites let me apologize for all the males out there with no tact.
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Please don't apologise for other people's bad behaviour- anyway, it sounds like there can be bad behaviour from all sides.

Set myself up on OkCupid last night and have had a couple of nice conversations with like minds, all in other countries though :)
New Zealand is a small country, so it tends to be a small pool with quite a few frogs, not so many shining salmon...
 
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