Poly exploration and advice

T

Twomaybetoofew

New member
Hey all,

I'm new to the whole poly thing but have been reading some material online for a little. I am currenly in a long lasting marriage, 8 years, and have noticed a aspect of my sexuality assert itself more and more since the honeymoon of the first few years departed. I find I desire other relationships outside of my wife. It started sexual but since then expanded but more on that in a little. I am committed to my wife and I have noticed these desires are not about the amount of sex I receive or the quality. I started erotic roleplay online as a vent for these feelings as porn was unsatisfactory since it lacks connection and so was unfulfilling.

Now the complexities: Initially my wife did not know about my online activity but we have since sat down and I have talked to her about what I feel. She is largely accepting but doesn't know how to process the feelings she has about it. Sometimes she is ok with it and then other times feels insecure, I have shaken a core part of her view of the world and relationship by revealing that I have these feelings.

An additional complexity I had never intended is I have fallen for and have had these feelings reciprocated by one of my online partners. This partner knows now about my wife and has mixed feelings about that. My wife however does not know I have romantic attachment to this partner even though she knows I am doing roleplay.

While I would ideally love to just tell my wife about this and see about going fully poly I don't think this is tennable at this point. My wife struggles right now as it is to deal with her feelings about my sexual desires and engaging in roleplay, something she did not ask me to stop doing and often seems ok with if it helps me deal with these desires. It would be a bridge too far to tell her right now about my romantic feelings for this woman. She already has doubts and insecurities about my commitment and fidelity and her insufficiency which she acknowledges arent fully rational. To tell her this would legitimise her fears, especially the insufficiency fear.

So... with this in mind. Any advice for me?
 
Hi Twomaybetoofew,

Perhaps you could introduce your wife to Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ page, it is a good starter and addresses many concerns people have.

I suggest you don't pursue things any further right now with the online partner you've fallen for. Eventually I hope you can tell your wife about it, after she has warmed up a bit to the idea of poly in general. Then you could resume things with the online partner.

It's possible your wife just won't ever accept polyamory. In which case, you'll have to make some difficult choices.

In any case, I recommend that you keep us updated here on your situation. Your future posts may help us to give you some more advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for the reply. I read both your comments. Other than the emotional bond which has formed between me and my online partner we have done nothing that my wife doesn't know I am doing. I certainly don't feel she is ready to deal with that. As of right now she has a very varied response to the situation. From talking to her the biggest problem is that she had a very firm idea of what our relationship and by confessing to these feelings and inclinations I have broken that.

She grew up pretty traditionally Catholic and definitely had a one and only view of love and marriage. While she has somewhat accepted my online activities she isn't sure entirely how she feels about it. Often times she resorts to a quietly ignore it mode but I try to get her to not bottle her feelings. She accepted it because she didn't wish me to be unhappy. My problem now is I am not quite sure how to talk to her about some of these issues. Its challenging and far too easy to allow them to go quietly ignored which is not a good way to handle our relationship. She feels as if I've shaken the foundations of the relationship but she also knows I love her and do not intend to leave her at least intellectually. I am not sure I have the language or tools to effectively explain how I feel and reassure her and would definitely appreciate help from people who have gone through this before. I am certain she is a definite mono and would like to, if possible, work towards a poly-mono relationship.

Any advice on how to talk to her about these issues would be greatly appreciated. How do I talk to her without accidentally hurting her more?
 
Hi toofew,

I don't know of any guaranteed way to talk to your wife without hurting her. The best I can tell you is to engage her in conversation about poly briefly but often. Once a week or once a month, depending on how she seems to be handling it.

Have a look at the Poly FAQ page as it suggests some good ways to put things, good ways to put things to beginners.

And perhaps gain an understanding of what your wife is going through by reading The Struggling Mono Thread.

Hope that helps,
Kevin T.
 
Just an update on my "case". Its going slowly. My wife and I have been very busy in our lives and haven't had a real chance to sit down and have long talks on it. It tends to be more like fire management when she gets a flare up of emotion about the issue and I reassure her without managing to really move the situation forward.

She worries that we won't get through this and many other things. She worries that our relationship is missing something. She worries that this is wrong. Its brought up a lot of insecurities that she's not felt in years of our marriage. She also does not seem to be managing her feelings very well, often sweeping them aside for as long as she can rather than trying to work through them. She feels pain and anger sometimes at my having changing something she took for granted about our relationship and the way we see relationships and worries that we can't see them the same now. She feels hurt about her 'insufficiency'. She feels that many of the foundations of our relationship have been questioned beyond the idea of monogamy and that lots more is in doubt now. Its a very difficult time.

I am still not entirely sure what to tell her when we talk other than reassurances of my commitment and love. I'm not sure how to help her move beyond that. Right now we aren't even talking about full outside sexual and romantic relationships, just sexual roleplay online with people. I know much of this has come as a shock to her that she doesn't know how to process and the issue has lingered unresolved for a long time now, I think it was two months ago I first talked to her about this. Its extremely difficult for me to see her in such pain but I am hoping we can work through this to a good place.

I would particularly love additional advice from any mono here, especially mono females whose partner went poly, or people who went successfully from mono to poly-mono. What worked for you? What made the difference? Any advice on how to talk about this is appreciated. I've read a few guides but I would really appreciate some advice from those who have been through this.
 
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Hi Twomaybetoofew,

Have a look at some of these links ...

... especially the last two links (above), as they are from a monogamous person who is in a polyamorous situation.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
... especially the last two links (above), as they are from a monogamous person who is in a polyamorous situation.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

Thanks, Kevin. :)
A caveat, though, from the mono person behind the above two links: my relationship didn't evolve from a previously closed relationship. When Chops and I started our relationship, he was adamant about his never being monogamous again (although when we first got close, he hadn't really discovered/embraced polyamory yet). It may not fit the situation, but hopefully you can find something useful there.

A caveat about the mono/poly Yahoo Group, too (while I'm thinking about it): most of the folks there are dealing with long term relationships that have opened up - much like you're doing. However, there's a LOT of pain and broken trust there. If you go there to gain an understanding, be aware of this (and please try to be respectful).
 
Sympathetic ):

I'm a woman who used to ERP frequently despite being in a long term relationship, it was something my husband was accepting of since our sex life wasn't very healthy/frequent for a while. Sometimes I developed an unhealthy attachment for others which I would disclose to him with mixed results. Usually he was okay with it, but sometimes it really bothered him.

We went through marriage counselling and found that it helped tremendously in identifying why he wasn't providing what I needed and why I was making it hard for him to feel fulfilled too.

I have to ask; have you considered whether it isn't that you are poly, but that your current relationship is actually lacking something that you could potentially receive from a single partner? You don't clarify in your post.

GOOD LUCK.
 
I posted in your other thread, not having read this one. You talked of a long distance gf, who has another long distance bf, and how you are jealous. I didn't know you had a wife too and were just in the very beginning stages of opening up.

Right now, you and your wife are both hiding things. You are hiding that you've fallen for your role play partner. Your wife is so terrified of losing you, she is bottling up feelings too.

It is imperative you both put all your cards on the table. Or you will both continue to wallow in misery for years, if not forever.

Many many people outgrow their spouses. We have a 50% divorce rate which reflects this. Some people have multiple marriages. Some people have decided marriage is such a shaky prospect, they'd rather never marry.

I was just saying to my partner this morning, we all seem to accept when platonic friends come and then go in our lives. How many of us are still extremely close with everyone we have ever befriended? No one. People come and go in our lives. They serve a purpose and then one of us, or both, moves on. Either emotions change, our tastes change, or we move away and it's hard to keep in touch.

Hormones of lust, when we "fall in love," delude us. They make us feel we want to be with this person all the time, and forever. We are wearing the rose colored glasses of new relationship energy.

Religion reinforces this. Fall in love, GET MARRIED, get entangled legally and culturally, have kids, never divorce. But it is really biology driving us to pair bond and reproduce. And even if we are child free by choice, we are still driven to pair bond by our hormones.

However, a romantic partnership, just like any friendship, may not last forever in the same shape as when we first bonded. We might change in our desires, in our tastes. Our partner might as well. We might get married in haste, repent at leisure. Our partner might seem different after 2 years together than they were in the first flush of love and lust.

We are allowed to change. We are allowed to renegotiate terms with friends. For example:We may have lived on the same block as our friend, and gone to the same school, worked at the same local job, but then we graduate school, change jobs, moves, or is dealing with illness, or whatever, and so we renegotiate to see each other less often. And sometimes we fall out of touch completely. We all accept this, with more or less difficulty, as part of life!

But our culture still leads us to think 2 members of a romantic pair will remain the same people, and remain in the same shape of relationship, FOREVER until death do us part.

The fact remains, there is no way you will be the same person at 45 that you were at 22. So you can't expect the relationship to remain the same either.
 
Thank you for your replies. I'll be checking those links and seeing what is useful to my life circumstances.

Hope, it may come to counselling but I am hoping not. I still feel we can work through this ourselves but if it does drag out forever then it will be an option I consider.

Magdlyn, while being perfectly honest with her would be ideal I don't think it is yet possible. I know telling her that I fell for this girl would cause her immense hurt. As of now she struggles to even accept the deviation from mono that is erp. Having talked to her I feel that telling her I had fallen for this girl and would be so outside everything she could accept or understand that it might break everything. I am not willing to lose her or set her aside. I do not feel I have outgrown her, I still very much love her. My current intention was to wait and see if she could be brought to understand and accept my desires and then see about advancing that to her being accepting of another romantic partner. As of right now she feels even erp renders her insufficient and not enough for me. If I told her I was also in love with another girl... I just cannot see that leading somewhere good as things stand.
 
Twomaybetoofew said:
My current intention was to wait and see if she could be brought to understand and accept my desires and then see about advancing that to her being accepting of another romantic partner. As of right now she feels even erp renders her insufficient and not enough for me. If I told her I was also in love with another girl... I just cannot see that leading somewhere good as things stand.
Click to expand...

Do not underestimate the hurt and betrayal she may well feel when, eventually, you come clean and decide to tell her that not only did you hide your romantic and loving feelings for this person from her, but that you did it because you didn't think she could handle it. If your relationship is not strong enough to handle that revelation now, what on earth makes you think it can handle it in a few weeks/months/years after you have actively been withholding information and lying to her, not to mention making unilateral decisions about what she can and cannot take? In her shoes, I would be horrified at the lack of trust you had in me and in us, and at the lack of respect you have towards me as an individual. It's not okay to take someone's ability to consent in a relationship away. Right now she is choosing to remain with you while you are exploring a no-emotions sex-only long distance online role-playing flirtation. Meanwhile, you are on here clearly asking for advice on how to deal with your own jealousy issues relating to your long distance partner. See the mismatch in what she *thinks* she is consenting to, and what she actually is? In my experience, if there's something you are afraid to tell your partner for any reason, then it's a clear sign that this is EXACTLY the thing you should be talking about with them. If she decides that the bus stops here for her, and she's willing to go no further in this journey with you, then THAT'S HER RIGHT. Stop micromanaging and manipulating the situation, and let her work through her feelings or not.
 
What is ERP? New acronym for me.

I also suggest telling your wife now the extent of your emotional connection to the person online. She may indeed not handle it well. That's not the point. The point is to be truthful about your reality so the both of you can start figuring what is possible. Yes it will hurt her, immensely so. But hiding your truth will hurt her worse in the long run and prevent any possibility of creating a relationship that works for both of you. Yes you risk your marriage telling her the full truth. However your marriage is already at risk. Honesty is the only pathway to a solution that is good for both of you. She needs all the information to process, to think through what she wants. And that may not be you or any non-monogamy. That is her right, as it is yours, to decide what relationships suit her best. If you do not tell her she lacks the information to make a real, considered decision. It takes away her full choice and is basically ethically wrong. Yes it's terribly hard to think about telling her and the possible outcomes of that. Sometimes this stuff is freaking hard. You have my full sympathy and I believe you want to do the best you can.

Hopefully she will take the time to really sort out what she wants instead of a knee jerk reaction. (You will likely see both at one point or another.) Her fears and concerns mirror just about every monogamous person's fears when being faced with poly or open relationships. If she is willing, ask her to read the threads tagged 'mono' or 'mono/poly'. She will soon realize she is not alone.

Finally, the other reason you need to tell her is that she likely already knows. She knows something has happened to upset her apple cart. Another person entering the scene is the obvious answer. So tell her what had happened so she doesn't imagine something much worse.
 
I believe that in this case ERP = Erotic RolePlay.
 
It's very condescending and disrespectful indeed to make decisions for your wife about what *you think or believe* she is ready to hear and whether or not she can handle the truth. That isn't honest and it isn't up to you. You are being cowardly and deceitful. As long as you hide and hold back, there is no hope for your marriage.

Trust that your wife is an adult who can handle tough stuff, even if she handles it differently from how you wish she would. Grow a spine and come clean. Sheesh. The selfishness and audacity you are exhibiting boggles my mind.
 
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Of course your other option, if you really want to keep your loving marriage intact and place great value in not emotionally harming your wife, is to break up with this new person.

You seem to be finding that it is not the right time nor circumstances for you to be in both these relationships at once. Your romantic feelings for your online partner are very real and understandable (believe me, I know!). You seem to me to be to be saying, though, that you cannot maintain both relationships honestly and ethically. That is not loving to either of your partners and could degrade you in your own eyes.

My thought is that you need to rein in, do a lot of thinking and some self examination, if possible get a therapist to help, THEN move forward honestly, being worthy of the trust of the people you love.

Leetah
 
Thank you for the replies and advice (and criticism). I am trying to do what is best in a very new and foreign situation for me. None of this is something regular life and relationships prepare you for. Before this happened to me I had never considered the possibility that I might genuinely love two people at the same time. I can compartmentalise sex easily enough and have a just sexual relationship but with this girl I just clicked and had an instant connection with that for a long time I resisted and denied as much as I could.

I have struggled a lot with this relationship and figuring out what it meant not only for my life but my conception of sexuality. I have gone through periods of guilt over just the idea of multiple romantic attachments as well as at what I am doing. The whole experience has been like finding myself lost and trying to make the best of it in a foreign country which I do not speak the language in. I've spent much of the time since this first happened just trying to keep everything on balance.

I care about both these women very much and the last thing I want to do is hurt either of them any more than is necessary. Seeing my wife struggle and be in pain over her feelings about what she already knows is painful. There are times at which I feel that I am the one directly hurting her by wanting more than monogamy. It is very hard to want to heap additional, and very significantly acute, pain on her like that even if I see it might be necessary which means I've wanted to put it off until later when she might be a bit more accepting of the potential of a poly relationship with me and then maybe it will not be as shocking or as hurtful.

I do know that I need to think about all this very careful and that honesty is the ideal I need to be aiming for. I do not like maintaining the dishonesty in the relationship, I am normally a rather honest person, but I've written it off so far as a necessary evil to be cashed out eventually. The whole thing has seemed messy and hard to wrap my head around and I have ended up in a difficult situation I never intended to.

How does one go about finding a poly-friendly counsellor anyway?
 
In my case we had a very good counselor we had been to before who was willing to keep an open mind and help us sort things out. In my experience most counselors talk to you beforehand so you can see if their style fits with your needs. That would be the time to see what their attitude is.

Leetah
 
Resources for finding poly-friendly counselors:

If none of the above help, but you do find a counselor with an open mind, ask them to read, "What Psychology Professionals Should Know about Polyamory," a book by Geri Weitzman, Ph.D., Joy Davidson, Ph.D., and Robert A. Phillips, Jr., Ph.D.
 
Thank you for the links and advice. Unfortunately I am in Kansas and well... seems none of those directories have anyone in Kansas (or at least close to me). Any additional advice on seeking out counsellors in case I go that route?
 
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